Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG. MY FRIEND ARTIE IS COMING TO JOIN US. BUT HE'S A LITTLE SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE JUST BLEW THE LAST SHOT OF HIS BASKETBALL GAME.
OKAY. I WON'T BRING IT UP.
HI, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
ARTICHOKES.
ARRR RRRRGGGH!!!
SOME GUYS JUST DON'T LIKE VEGETABLES.

HEY, PAIGE. WHY IS OUR ART IN THE PAGE BEFORE SWINE TODAY?
IT'S THE REVENGE OF STEPHAN PASTIS.
WHAT?
LAST YEAR HE MADE FUN OF "PEARLS" IN THIS VERY STRIP.
YEP. AND NOW HE'S CHANGING ALL THE DIALOGUE.
HOLY @#$%! I FEAR HE'LL MOCK OUR CREATOR, BILL AMEND, FOR BEING A LAZY, LITTLE WEASEL.
JUST BECAUSE BILL DECIDED TO ONLY DRAW SUNDAY STRIPS SO HE CAN SPEND 18 HOURS A DAY PLAYING "WORLD OF WARCRAFT"?
I'M GONNA RUN BEFORE THIS GEG GETS UGLY.
AT LEAST WE DIDN'T END WITH A STUPID PUN.
AMEND TO THAT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I'M JUST ENJOYING THE MOMENT.
I'M NOT TWEETING ABOUT IT, OR POSTING IT ON INSTAGRAM, OR SHARING IT ON FACEBOOK.
GOAT'S LOST HIS %&@* MIND.

THIS COMPANY WANTS TO PUT A SERVER FARM IN OUR TOWN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
A PLACE WHERE THEY RAISE LITTLE WAITERS AND WAITRESSES.
NO.
HERE AN ENTREE THERE AN ENTREE EVERYWHERE AN ENTREE ENTREE

HEY, STEPHAN... I'M HAVING A PARTY TONIGHT... WANT TO COME?
SURE.
I'M GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999!!
WHEN THE FUTURISTIC REFERENCES IN YOUR FAVORITE SONGS ARE 17 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE OLD.
THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE... WHEN CARTOONISTS CRY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
FIELD DRESSING A DEER.
WHOA... I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A HUNTER.
I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS EITHER.
YOU LOOK JUST GREAT, BOB.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
SIR, WE HAVE SOME NEW COFFEE HERE IN THE WHITE HOUSE. IT'S YUBAN.
WHY YUBAN?
BECAUSE YUBAN EVERYONE YOU DON'T LIKE.
I DEPORTED HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WRITING A BOOK ON JUST OVER FOUR DOZEN WAYS YOU CAN SET UP YOUR WINDOW LOUVERS TO HELP REGULATE THE TEMPERATURE IN YOUR HOUSE..
LIKE HOW?
LIKE LEAVING THEM UP TO CATCH THE SUN'S HEAT WHEN IT'S COLD, OR LEAVING THEM DOWN WHEN IT'S HOT. THAT SORT OF THING.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
'FIFTY WAYS TO LOUVER YOUR LOUVERS.'
MAKE A NEW PLAN, STEPH.

LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM.
LOVE ME FOR WHO I COULD BE.
LIKE ME AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
LIKE ME ALOT.
JUST LIKE ME.
TOLERATE ME.
I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.
LIFE IS A SERIES OF COMPROMISES.
HOW LOW CAN HE GO?

DO BRITISH PEOPLE HAVE MORE CAR CRASHES THAN OTHER PEOPLE?
WHY WOULD THEY HAVE MORE CAR CRASHES??
THEY DRIVE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD.
WHERE DO I START?
DON'T TRY?
NO WONDER THEY NEED FREE HEALTH CARE.

PIG, THIS IS MY BRITISH MATE, PAUL. HE'S A WRITER.
YES, BUT I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE AND COULD REALLY USE A RUBBER.
SLAP
FAMILY NEWSPAPER!
PLEASE TELL HIM IT MEANS ERASER.
AND THEY DO NO GOOD AFTER!

I'VE DECIDED TO EXPAND MY VOCABULARY BY LEARNING ONE NEW WORD A WEEK AND WORKING IT INTO MY EVERYDAY SPEECH IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T SEEM FORCED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
I'VE JUST MET A PLETHORA OF PEOPLE WHO KNOW A PLETHORA OF WORDS AND ARE ALL SO PLETHORA PLETHORA.
I THINK I MIGHT KNOW THE NEW WORD.
OH, REALLY? I'LL GIVE YOU A PLETHORA OF GUESSES.

WHAT'S THIS ON
THE THIRD
HOLE, RAT?
IT'S A STATUE OF HEDGE FUND MANAGER JOE. JOE'S A GUY WITH THREE HOUSES AND SIX CARS WHO HELPED CAUSE THE BANK CRISIS IN 2008.
BUT WHERE'S THE GOLF
HOLE?
THERE ISN'T ONE. YOU JUST TAKE YOUR CLUB AND NAIL JOE IN THE HOO HAHS.
SUDDENLY, I LOVE MINI - GOLF.
NO! NOT THE HOO - HAWS!
HURRY. THERE'S A HUGE LINE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE HERE, RAT?
MY NEW MINI-GOLF COURSE. THE FIRST HOLE IS CALLED "GRAVE ERROR".
BUT THERE’S NOTHING SPECIAL. IT’S JUST A TWO-FOOT SHOT STRAIGHT INTO THE HOLE.
OH, GAAHAAND!! I'VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE!!
THAT WON'T TERRIFY KIDS.
CAREFUL. HE CAN PULL YOU DOWN INTO THE GRAVE.

Me home, WOOOM.
DID YOU GET ME MY COFFEE??
I HAVEN’T HAD MY CAFFEINE THIS MORNING.
Of course me did. Me drove to cafe. Got it just like you like--lowfat cream, no sugar. Walked back to car. Unlocked car door.
SO WHERE IS IT?
Me left it on top of car and drove off.
GET ME ANOTHER COFFEE NOW.
You can problee still lick it off street.

WELCOME TO HEAVEN, RAT.
THIS IS HEAVEN? AND I MADE IT IN?
YEP. YOU DIED SUDDENLY. BUT YOU DID JUST ENOUGH GOOD THINGS TO GET IN.
GREAT…SO WHOA WHOA WHOA…WHAT IS MURRAY DOING HERE?!
HE MADE IT INTO HEAVEN ALSO.
BUT HE WAS A CO-WORKER OF MINE. AND HE WAS A JERK. I THOUGHT FOR SURE HE’D BE IN HELL.
WHOA WHOA WHOA…WE DON’T USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT HERE.
YEAH. SO STOP BEING SUCH AN
DID YOU JUST CALL ME AN
YEAH. I CALLED YOU AN —
CRACK
HAPPY?
NOT YOU AGAIN.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
HORSEBACK RIDING. ALL DAY.
WOW. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW HOW TO RIDE A HORSE. WHERE'D YOU GO?
MOSTLY IN BIG CIRCLES.
HE RODE A CAROUSEL.
I SEE.
BARKEEP!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!

WHATCHA WRITING, GOAT?
TEXT TO A BUDDY TELLING HIM HOW MUCH I LIKED THIS HISTORY BOOK ON GENERAL GEORGE McCLELLAN.
THAT'S GREAT... AND DO YOU KNOW WHY WE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT McCLELLAN?
WHY?
BECAUSE HE SENT LETTERS!
THAT'S ONE BITTER MAILBOX.
McCLELLAN DID NOT SEND EMOTIS!!

HELLO, PIG. GOT ANY LETTERS TO SEND?
NO, MR. MAILBOX. NOBODY SENDS LETTERS ANYMORE. IT'S ALL JUST EMAILS AND TEXT MESSAGING.
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD...
SHE'S THE GUILT-GIVING MOTHER OF MAILBOXES.
NO, IT'S OKAY. JUST LET ME LIE HERE AND DIE.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE LETS YOU DOWN? DO YOU TRY TO TALK TO THEM? TAKE THEM FOR A LONG WALK WHERE YOU LET THEM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL?

YEAH. LONG WALK. TO A LAKE.

WHY A LAKE?

FREDO. GODFATHER TWO.

OKAY. CONVERSATION OVER.

I KNOW IT WAS YOU, FREDO! YOU BROKE MY HEART!

HI, GUYS, CARE TO DONATE SOME CASH TO MY CONSERVATION EFFORTS? I'M ON THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST.
WHY IS THAT?
HEY, DUDE, THANKS FOR PASSING THE KETCHUP.
NO WORRIES.
YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME.
I WAS A PERFECTLY GOOD EXPRESSION!
CAN I BORROW SOME CASH FOR HIM?
NO WORRIES.

MY BUDDY EMANUEL IS MEETING US HERE TODAY. HE'S A HYGIENIST, BUT HE'S A BIT SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE JUST GOT FIRED FOR NOT CLEANING TEETH VERY WELL.
I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A DENTIST SINCE I GOT A GREAT NEW ELECTRIC TOOTH-BRUSH.
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY NEW.-?
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY BETTER THAN A MANUAL.
NOOOOO
HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
DIDN'T MEAN WHAT?

WHHAAAAHH!
IF ALL OF LIFE WAS LIKE FLYING COACH!
I BASED IT ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
HAVE SIX PEANUTS!

I'M STARTING TO THINK I MAY BE A PROPHET.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I PREDICT THINGS AND THEN THEY HAPPEN. LIKE RIGHT NOW, I CAN SEE THAT SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO PIG.
THAT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A PROPHET.
UH-OH... SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

HEY, GOAT.
I'M HERE.
YOU'RE LATE.
I SAID I'D BE HERE AT TWO-ISH.
IT'S SIX O'CLOCK.
'ISH' BUYS YOU A LOT OF TIME.
NOT FOUR HOURS!
AN 'ISH' IS VERY FLEXIBLE.