Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR THE EARTH'S ROTATION IS SLOWING DOWN?
THAT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE.
WHY?
I'M TOO FAT.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY OFF THE GROUND.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, NEIGHBOR BOB?
IN CHURCH. I GO EVERY FRIDAY.
YOU'RE SO INTO YOUR RELIGION. WHY IS THAT?
I JUST IDENTIFY SO CLOSELY WITH IT. IT GIVES ME COMFORT. IT BRINGS ME JOY. AND WHEN I'M DOWN, IT PICKS ME UP.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HOW I FEEL WHEN I WATCH "THE BREAKFAST CLUB".
WHY ARE YOU STANDING?
DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT STEPHAN!

BIG NEWS. LIKE THE GREAT LEBRON JAMES AND KEVIN DURANT, I, RAT, HAVE RECEIVED A LUCRATIVE SHOE DEAL FROM NIKE.
YOU'RE KIDDING. NIKE'S GONNA PAY YOU TO WEAR THEIR SHOES?
TO NOT WEAR THEM. AND TO STAY FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM ANY PAIR.
I'M GONNA START WEARING NIKE.
IT'S MORE LIKE A RESTRAINING ORDER.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOME STATES ARE MAKING IT WAY TOO EASY TO GET A MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD.
HOW SO?
BY BROADENING THE LIST OF MEDICAL CONDITIONS THAT QUALIFY.
WHAT KIND OF MEDICAL CONDITION DO YOU NEED?
I STUBBED MY TOE ON A PIZZA BOX.

I THINK A PERSON'S POLITICAL AFFILIATION IS BASED ON WHAT THEY FEAR. REPUBLICANS FEAR CHAOS. DEMOCRATS FEAR ORDER.
I FEAR STUPIDITY, SO I STAY HOME AND CRY.
THERE SHOULD BE A PARTY FOR THAT.
SAD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PARTIES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, NEIGHBOR BOB?
MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO ADOPT. WHAT A PAIN. BACKGROUND CHECKS, LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION, BLOOD TESTS, INTERVIEWS, HOME VISITS, HUGE FEES.
YOU HAVE KIDS. WHAT'D YOU DO?
GOT DRUNK AND HAD SEX.
I GIVE UP.
AND THEY SEEM LIKE GOOD KIDS... AT LEAST THE FEW TIMES I TALK TO THEM.

SIR, YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BUILD A GIANT WALL BETWEEN THE U.S. AND MEXICO?
YES, A BIG, PRETTY WALL.
BUT DON'T A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS COME BY AIR?
YES. SO I WILL BUILD A FLOATING WALL IN THE AIR TO BLOCK THEIR IMMIGRANT PLANES.
BUT DON'T SOME COME BY SEA?
YES. I WILL BUILD WALLS ALONG ALL OUR BEACHES.
BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE CLIMB OVER THE WALLS?
I WILL BUILD WALLS WITH WALLS ABOVE THE WALLS.
BUT WHAT IF THEY DIG UNDER?
I WILL BUILD WALLS UNDER THE WALLS!
BUT WHAT IF THEY...?
I WILL GO INTO MEXICO AND BUILD FOUR WALLS SO CLOSELY AROUND EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN BEND OVER TO SNEEZE!!!
WHAT IF HE JUST BUILT A WALL AROUND HIM?
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
AND DON'T CALL ME RACIST. I EAT AT TACO BELL TWICE A WEEK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
ONE DAY I JUST DIE
POOF - AND AM
GONE FOREVER.
WHY IS
THAT HARD
TO BELIEVE?
BECAUSE GREATNESS
LIKE THIS
SHOULD BE HARDER
TO ELIMINATE.
AND YOUR
HUMILITY
WILL BE
MISSED.
MY DEATH
SHOULD BE MORE
LIKE KILLING
THE TERMINATOR.

THE HUMANS THAT SURVIVED THE GREAT NUCLEAR BLAST WERE FOREVER CHANGED GENETICALLY.
THEY LOST THEIR MOUTHS.
AND ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MAN BECAME BALD.
AND THE WOMEN'S BODIES SUDDENLY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE DRAWN BY A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.
THAT HURTS.
SERIOUSLY, DID THE NUCLEAR WAR KILL ALL THE ART TEACHERS?

PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS"
THE RADIATION FROM THE NUCLEAR BLAST CAUSED GENETIC MUTATIONS, GIVING EACH ANIMAL ON EARTH INCREDIBLE SKILL, FAR BEYOND THEIR NORMAL CAPABILITIES.
I CAN TALK!
I CAN READ!
Me can step on ants!
WELL, NOT EVERY ANIMAL.
Dey bite my gnakes toes!
Dey bite my gnakes toes!

THE PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS," WHEREIN STEPHAN EXPLAINS HOW "PEARLS" BECAME "PEARLS."
AS A RESULT OF THE NUCLEAR WAR VERY FEW BUILDINGS REMAINED STANDING...
JUST ONE DINER.
A BRICK WALL.
AND A NONDESCRIPT ROOM WITH A FLOOR, A PILLOW, AND A TELEVISION.
WAY TO TRY AND EXPLAIN YOUR LIMITED ARTISTIC SKILLS.
SHHHH.
'LIMITED' YOU MEAN 'NONE'.

THE PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS."
AFTER THE NUCLEAR WAR, ALL WAS NOTHINGNESS.
BUT FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE, A STIRRING... A RAT.
WHO, SUDDENLY INFUSED WITH POWERFUL RADIATION, STOOD UPRIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND UTTERED THE FIRST WORDS EVER SAID BY A RODENT.
THIS SUCKS.
SO I WAS PROFOUND FROM THE START.
WHEN DO I GET TO BE PROFOUND?

I'M OFTEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN THE PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS" BEFORE SWINE. WELL, IT STARTS LIKE THIS...
ONCE UPON A TIME, THE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA HAD HIS PLANES BUZZ AN AMERICAN NAVAL SHIP.
THAT PLANE SURE IS CLOSE.
LET'S SHOOT IT DOWN.
THEY DID. AND AS A RESULT, NUCLEAR WAR ENDED THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE A DISNEY STORY, BUT NOT.
DOES BAMBI DIE?

RAT FOR PRESIDENT
RAT! RAT! RAT!
MR. RAT...WHAT ARE YOUR CAMPAIGN PROMISES?
I PROMISE THAT MOST ALL OF THE REAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE WILL NOT COME FROM ANY POLITICIAN, BUT ONLY FROM YOUR OWN DISCIPLINE, HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION.
RAT FOR PRESIDENT
AND I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF FREE STUFF.
YAAAAAAAY!!!
YOU'RE GETTING GOOD AT THIS.
DEBT SCHMET...HAVE SOME MONEY.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, GOAT?
FLOWER MARKET.
WHAT DO THEY SELL THERE?
PIG, JUST LISTEN TO THE WORDS... FLOWER ...MARKET... SO THE ANSWER IS FLOWERS. THEY SELL FLOWERS.
SO THE FLEA MARKET MUST BE AN AWFUL PLACE.

I THINK THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN LIFE IS TO TRUST YOUR GUT.
I DO THAT.
YOU DO?
YES. I TRUST THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
I THINK THAT'S DIFFERENT.
IT'S THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY PART OF ME.

EXCUSE ME, MR. PHONE COMPANY GUY. YOU LEFT THIS PHONEBOOK ON MY PORCH, BUT NO ONE USES THEM ANYMORE.
NOT TRUE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF COPS NEED TO BEAT SOMEONE THEY'RE INTERROGATING, THEY USE A PHONEBOOK BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LEAVE MARKS. SO IF YOU EVER BECOME A COP, THAT THING COULD BE PRETTY HELPFUL.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THE PHONE COMPANY ADAPTING.

I SAW A GIRL TODAY WEARING SWEATPANTS WITH THE WORD "PEACE" PRINTED ON THE BUTT.
SO?
SO IT GAVE ME AN IDEA.
MY BUTT PROPAGANDA TAKES A BACKSEAT TO NO ONE.

SIR IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS NOW BASED ON ONE ISSUE - THE INVASION OF GREENLAND?
YES. IT'S A TERRITORY OF THE DANES. AND THEY WON'T SEE IT COMING.
BUT WHY GREENLAND?
BECAUSE IT'S EIGHT TIMES THE SIZE OF GREAT BRITAIN, BUT ONLY HAS 57000 PEOPLE, WHICH IS NOT MUCH MORE THAN SARASOTA, FLORIDA.
I SEE. SO BY THAT LOGIC, WHY NOT JUST INVADE SARASOTA, FLORIDA?
WELL, NOW, THERE'S AN IDEA.
AND SADLY, HE'S STILL BETTER THAN THE OTHER TWO CANDIDATES.
SARASOTA, YOUR RETIREMENT COMMUNITIES ARE MINE!

DID YOU KNOW THAT BIG, GIANT GREENLAND IS A TERRITORY OF TINY, LITTLE DENMARK, AND THAT DENMARK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS DEFENSE?
SO?
SO LET'S INVADE GREENLAND!
IT'S HIS NEW CAMPAIGN ISSUE.
IT'S MOSTLY ICE.
GOOD NEWS. GLOBAL WARMING IS CHANGING THAT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
NOT GOOD, MARIE
THERE'S A GIANT SUMP PUMP THAT DRAINS THE WATER FOR OUR ENTIRE CITY, AND WHEN THE CITY INSPECTOR WENT DOWN TO LOOK AT IT, HE SAW THAT IT WAS ALL YELLOW WITH RUST AND HAD TO BE REPLACED.
HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOU?
THE HOUSE RAT AND I LIVE IN IS RIGHT ON TOP OF IT, SO THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR DOWN OUR HOUSE.
OH NO. WHAT ABOUT GOAT'S HOUSE AND ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR THOSE DOWN TOO.
SO YOU ALL LIVE ON TOP OF THIS SUMP THING?
YEP
WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUMP, MARIE.
RINGO WANTED TO BEAT YOU PERSONALLY.

BUENAS TARDES, SEÑORES. WHAT WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO ORDER?
NOTHING.
YOU JUST ATE THREE BOWLS OF CHIPS.
SÍ.
THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
WE’RE EXPLOITING A LOOPHOLE IN THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT PARADIGM.
MORE CHIPS, POR FAVOR.

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
PHONEBOOK. WE LEAVE THEM ON EVERYONE'S PORCH.
BUT NOT ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD USES THESE ANYMORE. THERE'S AN INTERNET NOW AND SMARTPHONES.
BIG NEWS.

WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, PIG?
I'M TAKING MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA TO GET PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES AND CHOCOLATE MILK AND SEE AN ANIMATED MOVIE.
PIG. YOU'RE AN ADULT. YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR DATE TO ADULT THINGS.
OH. OKAY. I'LL DO THAT.
DO WHAT?
TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND TO DRINK ADULT BEVERAGES AND SEE ADULT FILMS.
SOMEHOW I BLAME YOU.
HEY, PIGITA, INSTEAD OF THAT CARTOON, LET'S SEE AN ADULT FILM.

WHEN SOMEONE BECOMES PRESI-- DENT, DO THEY GET TO MAKE ANY LAW THEY WANT?
NO. CONGRESS MAKES THE LAWS. THE PRESIDENT CAN ONLY APPROVE OR REJECT THEM.
BUT CONGRESS DOESN'T PASS ANY LAWS ANYMORE.
RIGHT.
SO NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
RIGHT.
I'M CONFUSED.
WE ALL ARE.
THIS IS WHY I PROMISE TO BAN CONGRESS.