Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU EVER GET DEPRESSED WHEN YOU HAVE A BIRTHDAY
NO. I'M ALWAYS UPBEAT ABOUT TURNING A YEAR OLDER.
WHY IS THAT
BECAUSE IF I'M EVER SENTENCED TO LIFE FOR MURDER, IT'S ONE LESS YEAR I HAVE TO SPEND IN PRISON.
HOW UPLIFTING.
I SHOULD REALLY WRITE GREETING CARDS.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
Accomplish 3 times as much as last week.
Last week: Did nothing.
3 x nothing = nothing

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT WE'RE DOING HERE.
SOME HAVE FAITH THAT THEY DO…BUT NO ONE KNOWS.
SO WE ARE SCARED. WE ARE ALONE. AND WE DIE. AND WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE GO.
SO WE CLING TO MONEY FOR COMFORT. AND WE CHASE AWARDS FOR IMMORTALITY. AND WE HIDE IN THE ROUTINE OF OUR DAYS.
BUT THEY END. THE

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WON AN EMMY FOR A T.V. SHOW.
OH. WOW.
SO HE ENTERTAINED A TINY FRACTION OF THE POPULATION IN ONE COUNTRY ON A SMALL PLANET IN AN INSIGNIFICANT SOLAR SYSTEM ON A NON-DESCRIPT ARM OF AN UNREMARKABLE GALAXY IN A UNIVERSE OF OVER 100 BILLION GALAXIES.
HE'S CRYING IN THE BATHROOM.
PERSPECTIVE IS CRUEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
ORGANIZING GOAT'S BOOKS. HE WANTS HIS MEDICAL BOOKS FIRST, THEN HIS PHILOSOPHY BOOKS, LIKE HIS DESCARTES AND KANT.
WHAT ARE YOU CHEWING NOW, PIG?
IT'S CALLED THE HOARSE-CURING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE SCRATCHY THROATS.
BUT YOU'RE PUTTING DESCARTES BEFORE 'THE HOARSE.'
PLEASE STOP.
KANT.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.
WHAT WAS IT?
I DIDN'T FINISH THIS WEEK'S "NEW YORKER". THEN THE NEXT ISSUE CAME. AND THE NEXT ONE. AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS HOPELESSLY UNINFORMED.
LIBERAL ELITISTS HAVE STRANGE NIGHTMARES.

DID YOU KNOW TODAY IS 'EAT BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY'?
I DON'T LIKE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
MAYBE THEY'RE AN ACQUIRED TASTE.
AS IN, ONCE YOU ACQUIRE THEM, YOU REALIZE THEY TASTE BAD?
THIS IS NO WAY TO CELEBRATE BRUSSELS SPROUTS DAY.
BRUSSELS SPROUTS: THE ONLY FOOD THAT MAKES BROCCOLI SOUND DELICIOUS

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS NOW, RAT?
MY FACEBOOK FEED.
BUT THAT CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE.
SO YOU HAVE NO WAY TO KNOW IF THE STORIES YOU'RE RELYING ON ARE TRUE.
YOU WERE FORCED TO SAY THAT.
BY WHOM?
THE ARMY OF ALIENS THAT LANDED IN KANSAS.
NO.
I SEE YOU'RE UNINFORMED.

HEY, RAT! LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A PORPOISE CHAUFFEUR TO DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO. JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
I SAID I WANTED A PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE.
YOU NEED TO ENUNCIATE BETTER.

Wassup?
I'm bored.
I'm thinking about punching people.
Not once. But twice.
Biff! Bang!
Right in the bean.
Because I can.
Okay, little people, that's all I got.
SIR, I THINK PEOPLE EXPECT MORE FROM THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
FINE. YOU WRITE IT.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, I'M TIMMY TORTOISE. I JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND WANTED TO SAY HI.
OH, THANK GOD. AN HERBIVORE. I'M SO USED TO BEING SURROUNDED BY CARNIVORES, ALL OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO CAUSE ME HARM.
GIMME YOUR WALLET.
I'M GONNA STOP OPENING THE DOOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG? I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO WORK TODAY.
I AM. I'M WORKING FROM HOME.
YOU'RE EATING BONBONS IN BED.
IT'S A FINE LINE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
CROSSWORD PUZZLE. THE CLUE IS "ALL-KNOWING ALL-POWERFUL PRESENCE IN THE UNIVERSE." BEGINS WITH "G-O."
GOOGLE.
NUTS. ONLY HAS THREE LETTERS.
TRY ABBREVIATING GOOGLE.

WHATCHA READING, L'IL GUARD DUCK?
THIS POLITICAL BOOK ON THE DEEP STATE. IT'S ALL VERY SECRETIVE.
I KNOW ABOUT IT.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S ARIZONA. AND IT HAS THE GRAND CANYON.
NO.
YES. I'VE BEEN THERE.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
RAT AND I ARE TRYING TO REPLACE THIS ELECTRICAL OUTLET.
WHERE'S RAT?
I SENT HIM TO GET A SCREWDRIVER.
EASIEST. JOB. EVER.

HEY, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING THAT'S HUGE?
HUGE
NO WONDER I'M SO LONELY.

THE SIX STAGES OF MARRIAGE
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU'RE NOT AS GREAT AS I THOUGHT.
YOU NEED TO BE CHANGED.
YOU CAN'T BE CHANGED.
I ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU HAVE A SOFT SIDE.
DON'T TELL ANYONE.

WAITER!
HOW CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YES, WELL, I TOOK SOME PIANO LESSONS GROWING UP AND PLAYED A LITTLE GUITAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, BUT IF THIS PLACE IS GONNA BUST OUT IN AN INFORMAL JAM SESSION, I'M PROBABLY LEAST SKILLED AT THE DRUMS.
THOSE ARE CHOPSTICKS, SIR. NOT DRUMSTICKS.
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T GO OUT MORE.
NOW I KNOW WHY I COULDN'T FIND A SNARE DRUM.

SIR, YOUR LAST TWEET IS FACTUALLY INCORRECT AND WE PLAN ON REPORTING THAT.
I DON'T CARE.
WHY DON'T YOU CARE, SIR?
BECAUSE BY THE TIME YOU DO THAT, I WILL HAVE TWEETED TEN MORE TIMES.
SO YOU CAN OUTPACE US?
OUTPACE YOU?! I'M LIKE USAIN BOLT AND YOU'RE LIKE AN OLD LADY CHASING ME WITH AN UMBRELLA.
I'D ARGUE, BUT MY LOW MORALE PREVENTS ME.
DO YOU THINK STARBUCKS IS HIRING?

OKAY, I'LL TAKE ONE QUESTION FROM ALL OF YOU LOSERS.
YESSIR, ABOUT THE BUDGET--
FAKE TIE! CLIP-ON!
MY TIE IS REAL, SIR. IT'S--
FAKE HAIR! BALD!
SIR, THAT'S HIS REAL HAIR. HE--
FAKE TATAS! SAD!
OKAY, THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL.
THEY ARE LOOKING BIG, LINDA.

I'M THINKING ABOUT STARTING A CROWDFUNDING CAMPAIGN.
OH, TERRIFIC. TO RAISE MONEY FOR AN ART PROJECT? A CAUSE? A CHARITY?
BEER MONEY.
WONDERFUL.
BECAUSE NO MAN SHOULD HAVE TO WORK TO DRINK.
PLEASE. TAKE MY LIFE'S SAVINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
CABLE NEWS.
TONIGHT ON THE NEWS WE'LL DEMONIZE HALF OF YOUR FELLOW AMERICANS AND CONTINUE TO MAKE THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY DIFFICULT.
I LIKE WHEN THEY'RE UPFRONT ABOUT IT.

I THINK I JUST HEARD A KNOCK FROM THE INSIDE OF OUR CLOSET.
OPEN IT.
HI. WE'RE THE KARMA BROTHERS. WE'RE HERE TO PAY YOU BACK FOR THE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE YOU THOUGHT YOU GOT AWAY WITH.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD KEEP THIS CLOSED.

HOW'D YOUR SHOPPING GO OVER THE HOLIDAY?
GOOD. I SHOPPED FOR PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ONLINE.
I DID TOO... CLOTHES, TOYS, BOOKS.
YEAH. AND ALMOST ALL FROM THE SAME SITE.
WERE YOU ABLE TO GET EVERYTHING YOU WANTED?
YEAH EXCEPT FOR ONE BOOK FOR MY MOM. SHE WANTED A BOOK ON MEXICO CITY AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH ONE SHE'D WANT.
HEY, LET'S ASK FRED. THAT GUY ALWAYS KNOWS JUST THE RIGHT BOOK. AND YOU CAN GET IT FOR YOUR MOM'S BIRTHDAY.
YEAH, GOOD IDEA.
WELL, HE SURE LET US DOWN.
HOW DARE HE.

I HEAR YOU THINK THERE'S ABOUT TO BE A HUGE CATASTROPHE IN THE WORLD AND YOU HAVE A PLAN.
YES. I'M A PREPPER. WHEN IT ALL GOES DOWN, I HAVE A PILOT WHO WILL FLY ME TO A NEW ZEALAND SHELTER WHERE ONE PERSON CAN LIVE FOR TEN YEARS WITH ALL HE COULD EVER WANT TO EAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE PILOT?
I WON'T EAT THE PILOT.
OH GOOD. I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING INHUMANE.
HE'D BE FAR TOO SCRAWNY BY THEN ANYWAY.