Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M WRITING A MOVIE ABOUT BOISE, IDAHO. THE TOWN HAS BARRICADED ITSELF OFF FROM THE WORLD AND THEY'RE KILLING OFF EVERYONE WHO'S NOT FROM BOISE.
BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW IF YOU'RE FROM THERE OR NOT.?
THEY ASK, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
BUT PEOPLE WILL JUST LIE AND SAY BOISE.
HA! YOU FOOL! YOU PRONOUNCED IT "BOY-ZEE." NATIVES SAY "BOY-SEE." BOY-ZEE! BOY-SEE! SO BAM BAM! YOU'RE DEAD!
I'M BORED ALREADY.
WAIT... NOW I'VE GIVEN AWAY THEIR SECRET.

DATE ME! I'M LONELY!
DATE ME! I'M NEEDY!
THAT IS NOT WHAT MY TINDER PROFILE SCREAMS.
YES, IT IS.
WHOA, YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SWIPE-LEFTER.

HOW TO APPRECIATE ALL THAT IS AROUND YOU
by Rat
Lower your standards immensely.
I JUST SOLVED LIFE.

BANKING EXPLAINED
WE CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP
WELL, SIR, NO LOAN FOR YOU. WE HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL UNDER ALL THESE NEW BANKING REGULATIONS.
BUT AREN'T YOU THE SAME BANK WHOSE EMPLOYEES OPENED TWO MILLION FAKE ACCOUNTS TO CHARGE CUSTOMERS FAKE FEES?
YES.
BUT WE FIRED THOSE BAD APPLES!
BUT WAS SOMEONE HELD RESPONSIBLE?
YES, SIR! SHE'S RETIRING
RETIRING?
WITH A $124,000,000 PAYOUT.
SO YOU COLLECT FAKE FEES FROM CUSTOMERS. FIRE THE EMPLOYEES YOU PRESSURED. AND NO ONE AT THE TOP TAKES THE BLAME?
YES. BUT IF YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT, YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN.
I HANG WITH THE BANKS' C.E.O.
I LOVE YOU BEST BUDDY!
I LOVE YOU TOO, BEST BUDDY!
MORE, MORE, BEST BUDDY!
WHERE DOES IT ALL END?
I'M HOPING FOR PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES.
JUST TELL ME WHO TO POKE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. YOU OKAY?
NOT REALLY. I'M GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS AND MY ARMS ARE SHAKING A LITTLE BIT.
OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW. IS IT ALCOHOL? DRUGS?
I LEFT MY SMARTPHONE AT HOME.
WE'RE A SAD GENERATION.

THIS FORM IS ASKING ME WHAT KIND OF BLOOD I HAVE.
DO YOU KNOW?
BAD BLOOD. BETWEEN ME AND ALL MY RELATIVES.
NOT AN ACTUAL BLOOD TYPE.
IS BOILING A BLOOD TYPE?

YOU KNOW HOW MAIDS ARE NOW HOUSEKEEPERS AND STEWARDESSES ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS AND GARBAGE-MEN ARE SANITATION ENGINEERS?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A DOMESTICATED UNGULATE.
MOOOOOO.
IT'S CALLED A COW.
NOT ANYMORE.
HOW NOW, BROWN DOMESTICATED UNGULATE?

I JUST GAVE MONEY TO A CHURCH.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
SO THAT ONE DAY, I AUTOMATICALLY GET INTO HEAVEN AND AVOID THE FIERY FURNACE OF HELL.
A DONATION TO A CHURCH DOESN’T GUARANTEE THAT.
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO STEAL IT BACK FROM THE COLLECTION PLATE?
YES. ROBBING GOD’S HOUSE IS FROWNED UPON.

DID YOU
GO TO
COLLEGE?
Yeah. Me graduate
Stanford Uneversity
wild degree een
math.
I FIND
THAT
HARD TO
BELIEVE.
Is true. Me an
alumnium.
IT WOULD BE A LOT
MORE CONVINCING
IF YOU KNEW THE
WORD ALUMNI.
Hey... Me
math major,
not English
major.

HEY, GOAT, WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS AND HIS HOUSE AND WE NEED SOME DUCK TAPE TO FIX IT. DO YOU HAVE ANY?
WHY ARE YOU CALLING IT 'DUCK TAPE'? IT'S DUCT TAPE.
NEVER MIND.
YOU GONNA STOP WITH THE LOUD PARTIES OR NOT, BOB?

TODAY I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT MATTHEW 16:26. "FOR WHAT WILL IT PROFIT A MAN IF HE GAINS THE WHOLE WORLD BUT FORFEITS HIS SOUL?"
INDEED.
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO AMASS AS MUCH MONEY AS ONE POSSIBLY CAN?
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO OWN THE BIGGEST HOUSE?
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO IMPRESS YOUR NEIGHBOR WITH THE NICEST CAR, THE BEST CLOTHES, THE FANCIEST WATCH...
YES! YES! YES!
GUESS HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT AN ANSWER.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHURCH EJECTION BEFORE.

IF YOU COULD LIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, WOULD YOU?
DO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY GET TO LIVE THE THOUSAND YEARS WITH ME?
IT'S TOUCHING THAT YOU CARE.
OF COURSE I CARE. I'M NOT LIVING A THOUSAND YEARS WITH MY FAMILY.
THAT'S LESS TOUCHING.
I CAN'T TAKE A THOUSAND MORE CHRISTMAS DINNERS.

OKAY, WELL, IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY. GOODBYE.
*CLICK*
MOBILE PHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY DISNEY FIGURINES. I ALWAYS USE MY RIGHT HAND TO PLAY WITH DUMBO, AND MY LEFT HAND TO PLAY WITH SNOW WHITE.
WHAT ABOUT BAMBI OVER THERE?
I CAN PLAY WITH BAMBI WITH EITHER MY LEFT HAND OR MY RIGHT.
WHY'S THAT?
I'M BAMBIDEXTROUS.
MAKE IT STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me gonna crush you head wid lamp.
BUT WHY? ISN'T THERE ENOUGH DISCORD IN THE WORLD ALREADY?
Discord?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DISCORD MEANS?
Dis cord is attached to dis lamp?
NO.
Dis cord should be wrapped around you neck.

SIR.. WE APPRECIATE THAT YOU ENJOY OUR CAFE AND THAT YOU LIKE TO BUY OUR COFFEE.
BUT BUYING A SINGLE CUP OF COFFEE DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO CAMP YOURSELF HERE FOREVER.
THAT'S QUITE AN ACCUSATION.
PLEASE GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
OUR LANDLORD IS COMING OVER, SO I'M COVERING UP A HUGE RAT HOLE IN THE WALL WITH THIS VALANCE.
AND WHY ALL THE CHEX CEREAL ON THE GROUND?
I THREW THEM THERE. I'M HOPING HE'LL STEP ON THEM AND THAT WILL DISTRACT HIM FROM LOOKING UP AND SEEING THE HOLE.
PRETTY SMART SYSTEM.
YEAH... WE'RE PROUD OF OUR SYSTEM OF CHEX AND VALANCES.
YOU RUIN THE ENTIRE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, RAUL... HE JUST MOVED HERE FROM HIS COUNTRY... HE'S MEXICAN.
HISPANIC.
MEXICAN-AMERICAN.
LATIN.
LATINA? LATINO?
HISPANIC-AMERICAN LATINO?
OH, GOD, HELP ME, I'M NOT A RACIST!
HELP ME!
IS HE ALWAYS THIS TIGHTLY WOUND?
ALWAYS.
HE'S FROM HERE.

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
TO PROTEST THE AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE IN MOVIES.
GOOD FOR YOU. THERE'S FAR TOO MUCH.
TOO LITTLE.
IF THEY DISAGREE, I'LL HIT THEM WITH THE SIGN.
ENOUGH

WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE ACTRESS?
ELLEN BURSTYN. AND I HEARD SHE LIKED CHESTNUTS, SO I SENT HER 2,000 POUNDS OF THEM THAT I PICKED OFF TREES.
NOW, AREN’T THOSE COVERED IN TINY BURRS?
YEAH, BUT SHE REMOVED THE BURRS AND BLEW THEM ALL UP TO GET RID OF THEM.
BURSTYN BURST ONE BURRS TON?
YOU ARE A BURR IN THE SADDLE OF LIFE.

WHO ARE YOU?
HUMOR POLICE. FROM NOW ON, I'LL BE DECIDING WHAT'S FUNNY AND WHAT'S NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS FUNNY?
EVERYTHING. AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T INVOLVE RACE, ETHNICITY, RELIGION, POLITICS, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, GENDER, TRANSGENDER, OBSCENITY, BODY-SHAMING, AGE-ISM, THE DISABLED, LITTLE PEOPLE, VEGETARIANS, THE GLUTEN-INTOLERANT, OPINIONS, TRUTH, OR CRUELTY TO DOLPHINS.
WOULDN'T IT BE QUICKER TO LIST THE JOKES WE CAN MAKE?
THE CHICKEN CROSSING THE ROAD ONE.
HAHAHA HAHAHA
I LOVE THAT ONE

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO PIGS WHEN THEY DIE?
THEY GO TO HEAVEN.
BECAUSE PIGS ARE GOOD AND DESERVE ETERNAL HAPPINESS?
BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE HEAVEN WITHOUT BACON.
SO MUCH FOR THEIR HAPPINESS.
WE TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

I HEAR YOU'VE TAKEN UP COOKING
YEAH. HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FOLLOW A RECIPE? THEY GIVE SOME PRECISE MEASUREMENT. YOU FOLLOW IT EXACTLY. AND BOOM, YOU HAVE A DISH.
Add a pinch of salt
A dash of oregano
A tad of pepper
A hint of garlic
A smidgen of ginger
And a dollop of cream
SOMEONE'S MESSING WITH ME.

THANKS FOR CHECKING MY GRAMMAR FOR ME, RAT. DID I MAKE ANY MISTAKES?
YEAH, THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A COLON.
WHAT'S A COLON?
GOOGLE IMAGE IT.
LEAVE IT AS IS.

I HAVE TO FLY FROM DALLAS TO PHOENIX TODAY, AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO SET MY WATCH.
WELL, DALLAS IS ON CENTRAL TIME, SO IT'S ONE HOUR AHEAD OF PHOENIX.
BUT KEEP IN MIND - TODAY WE SET OUR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR BECAUSE IT'S THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
EXCEPT IN ARIZONA, WHICH DOESN'T OBSERVE IT. SO WHEN YOU GET TO PHOENIX, THE HOUR YOU JUST WENT BACK IN TEXAS GETS UNDONE. PLUS YOU HAVE THE HOUR BEHIND FOR THE TIME ZONE, WHICH--
SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH
WHO NEEDS WATCHES?