Pearls Before Swine | Search

PIG AND I INSTALLED A PANIC ROOM IN OUR HOME.
ONE OF THOSE SAFE ROOMS YOU RETREAT TO IN CASE OF A HOME INVASION?
NO. JUST A PLACE TO PANIC.
OH MY GOD! MY LIFE IS FALLING APART!!
WE SHOULD SOUNDPROOF IT.

I'M STARTING A PAGEANT FOR WOMEN THIS YEAR. BUT IT'S NOT BASED ON THEIR LOOKS. IT'S BASED ON THEIR DEMEANOR.
GREAT, PIG.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
MISS DEMEANOR 2016.
LET'S RE-THINK THIS.
DO FELONS QUALIFY?

Dear President Obama,
This country needs reform.
A whole lot of reform.
So I propose we start with the following new law:
The next hipster to make the peace sign in a photo gets both of those fingers fed to a wolverine.
IT'S NICE TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.

HEY
NEIGHBOR NANCY,
HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. MY UNCLE
JUST WROTE HIS LAST
WILL AND TESTAMENT
AND BEFORE I'M
ALLOWED TO INHERIT ANY
MONEY, I HAVE TO BE
WEIGHED TO MAKE SURE
I'M NOT FAT.
SOMEONE'S
GONNA
WEIGH
YOU?
YEP. JUST LIKE IN
HIS PRIOR WILL.
AND THE ONE
BEFORE THAT.
SO WHERE THERE'S A WILL,
THERE'S A WEIGH?
YOU'RE WEIGH OUT OF
CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
SOME MOVIE ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE 1970s. BUT THEIR PLANE IS ON FIRE AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
THEIR PLANES NOT ON FIRE, PIG. THEY'RE ALL JUST SMOKING CIGARETTES.
HAAHAA... YOU'RE DUMBER THAN ME !! PEOPLE WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO SMOKE ON PLANES!!
LET ME EXPLAIN THE 70s.
AND HOW COME PEOPLE HAVE LEGROOM?

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.
JUST BREATHE.
DEEP, SLOW BREATHS.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
VISUALIZE YOUR CERVIX OPENING.
DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN LABOR DAY TO HIM OR SHOULD I?
AND RUIN ALL THIS FUN? NO CHANCE.

YOU KNOW, RAT, YOU'RE A LITTLE OBNOXIOUS TO BE AROUND SOMETIMES.
IF YOU THINK IT'S HARD FOR YOU, IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME. I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM ME.
I'M NOT SURE WHETHER TO CONSOLE YOU OR FLEE.
FLEE. WITH MY KIND, ALWAYS FLEE.

HELLO, SIR... ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT MAKING A PURCHASE?
YEAH. BUT IT'S A BIG DECISION, SO I NEED SOME TIME TO SLEEP ON IT.
WE GET VERY TIRED OF THAT JOKE, SIR.
I WAS PRETTY PROUD OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
MY 3D TRIBUTE SCULPTURE TO THE LATE ACTRESS ANNIE MEARA. ALL OF THESE OBJECTS EMANATING FROM HER GIFTS TO THE WORLD, LIKE HUMOR, LAUGHTER, JOY.
HERE, TRY ON THESE 3D GLASSES. IT’LL LOOK LIKE THE OBJECTS ARE FLYING RIGHT AT YOU.
OUCH
BE CAREFUL. OBJECTS IN MEARA ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
THERE WILL BE NO TRIBUTE SCULPTURES TO YOU.

GOAT THINKS THAT IF COWS COULD WRITE POETRY, WE WOULDN’T KILL THEM AND EAT THEM.
 
I SUPPOSE THAT’S TRUE. HOW COULD WE DESTROY SUCH LITERARY TALENTS?
 
Roses is red, Violets is blue, Plees don't shoot, Moo moo moo mooooo.

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHY WE CHOOSE TO KILL CERTAIN ANIMALS AND LET OTHERS LIVE
HOW DO YOU MEAN
WELL IF COWS COULD WRITE POETRY WOULD WE STILL KILL THEM
I'D KILL THEM FASTER
SNOOTY COWS

RAT THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE:
THE OTHER CANDIDATES PROPOSE BUILDING WALLS TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. THAT IS STUPID, COSTLY, AND IMPRACTICAL.
SO INSTEAD, I PROPOSE THAT EVERY NON-AMERICAN IN THE WORLD BE FORCED TO WEAR A SHOCK COLLAR THAT WILL GO OFF IF THEY TRY TO ENTER OUR COUNTRY.
MOST DEPRESSING ELECTION EVER.
AND FOR THE FASHION-CONSCIOUS, THEY COME IN SIX ATTRACTIVE COLORS.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
'Cross start Releejun O' Love.'
THAT SOUNDS NICE. WHAT DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE?
Lemme ask God. He talk to me
ees special headphones.
God say,
'Keel evree one who no believee.'
THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR 'RELEEJUN O' LOVE' IS TO KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE?
HAHA. Yeah. God likee. My son idea.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK GOD REALLY TALKS TO YOU THROUGH THOSE HEADPHONES. I THINK YOU JUST USE GOD TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
Hang on.
God say 'Shut your fat face.'
THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST.
Okay, God add, 'Me gonna kee you een @#&*.'

PIG, THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR ED. HE'S MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS INVESTING IN HEDGE FUNDS.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THEY WERE WORTH THAT MUCH, I WOULD HAVE SPENT A LOT MORE TIME TRIMMING OURS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OVER.
I WILL CARVE THEM INTO LITTLE ANIMALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
GOAT MADE THIS BIG DIAGRAM OF HIS BRAIN, SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO DO ONE OF MY OWN BRAIN.
LEMME SEE YOURS.
SURE.
NOW I'M HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT OVERPOPULATION IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. AND IF PEOPLE WON'T SLOW DOWN THE BIRTH RATE, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO DO OTHER THINGS TO CONTROL THE POPULATION.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE HAND OUT FRIED FOOD AND CIGARETTES.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
OOH... A COUPON FOR A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M TIRED OF EVERY DAY BEING A COMMEMORATION OF SOMETHING. SO I DECLARE TODAY, AUGUST 24, INTERNATIONAL DAY THAT CELEBRATES NOTHING DAY.
CAN'T. IT'S 'WAFFLE DAY.'
WAFFLES HAVE THEIR OWN DAY?
TWO, ACTUALLY.
IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!

WHAT’S THAT, RAT
IT’S THE ALL-KNOWING EYE.
IT WATCHES EVERYTHING YOU DO. I SELL IT TO GOVERNMENTS AND EMPLOYERS AND RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS.
GEE, I DON’T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT.
IT’S OKAY, HONEY, IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
I SOLD ONE TO YOUR MOTHER.

I'M BRILLIANT.
BUT MY MOM'S NOT THAT SMART. AND MY DAD'S NOT THAT SMART.
DO YOU THINK ALIENS LEFT ME HERE AS A GIFT?
WHAT AN ENJOYABLE CONVERSATION.
I SHALL START WEARING A BOW.

RAT'S SOCIAL CUES FOR THE SOCIALLY INEPT
You may talk too much.
Shirts cannot be worn six days in a row.
Hey. It's me.
Met u at bar.
Hey. It's me again.
Hey. Wassup?
Hey...
She doesn't want to talk to you.
You do not bring added joy to the holidays.
That pick-up line was not effective.
My son did not fulfill expectations.
PRETTY BRILLIANT, HUH?

GOAT, THIS IS MY ARTIST FRIEND, LEON. HIS WORK HANGS IN ALL THE BIG MUSEUMS.
WOW. WHICH ONES?
BOBS ART GALLERY. FRED'S MUSEUM. ANNAS ART HOUSE.
GEE. I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THOSE. I THOUGH HE SAID YOUR WORK HANGS IN ALL THE BIG MUSEUMS.
THEY HAVE A TON OF SQUARE FOOTAGE.
AND HIS WORK IS HUGE OVERSEAS.
TALL AND WIDE?
VERY.

HEY, L'IL SCOUT...I SEE YOU GOT A NEW MERIT BADGE WITH A LITTLE FLAME ON IT. DID YOU GET THAT FOR LEARNING TO START A CAMPFIRE?
YES, SIR.
IN A FAILING BUSINESS WITH A LOT OF INSURANCE.
SHOULD ARSON BE A MERIT BADGE?
IT'S A REAL GRAY AREA.
WE STILL SING SONGS AND ROAST MARSHMALLOWS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WE'RE HOMES. AND THIS IS A HOME INVASION.
ARRRRRGH
SURELY, YOU COULD GET ANOTHER JOB.
NOPE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK. I HEARD YOU WERE IN A COMA. WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
WEIRD, 'CAUSE I COULD STILL HEAR PEOPLE AROUND ME... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE AND NOT BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM?
SORT OF.

AND SO, NEIGHBOR BOB, A BILLION YEARS FROM NOW, OUR SUN WILL GROW BIGGER AND HOTTER AND OUR POLAR CAPS WILL MELT AND THE OCEANS WILL BOIL UNTIL ALL THE WATER IS GONE AND ALL LIFE ON EARTH WILL DIE.
AND TWO BILLION YEARS LATER, THE SUN WILL GROW EVEN LARGER, ENGULFING OUR ORBIT AND OBLITERATING THE ENTIRE EARTH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT LIFELESS ASHES TO BE SCATTERED THROUGHOUT SPACE.
AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT MOWING YOUR LAWN?
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER, BOB