Pearls Before Swine | Search

PARDON ME, BUT I'M TRYING TO-
GET A CUP OF COFFEE. BECAUSE AMERICANS HAVE TO GO GO GO. WORK WORK WORK.
WELL, NOT ME... NOT ANYMORE. BECAUSE I'M BORROWING THE CUSTOM OF THE SIESTA FROM SPAIN.
THEY TAKE A TWO-HOUR BREAK FROM 2:00 P.M. TO 4:00 P.M. AND THEY NAP... AND AS A RESULT, THEY HAVE BALANCED LIVES. AND THEY'RE HAPPY. NOT INSANE, OVER-CAFFEINATED LOONS LIKE YOU.
IT'S 9:30 A.M.
I'VE EXPANDED THE CUSTOM TO TEN HOURS.
I'LL GO GO GO ELSEWHERE.
PERHAPS I'LL GO GO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
HE DOES GET UP, BUT BRIEFLY TO GUZZLE WINE.

DEAR CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE
BAD NEWS:
THINGS HERE ARE MESSED UP.
GOOD NEWS:
WE WILL GIVE YOU A MULLIGAN.
THAT OUGHT TO FIX EVERYTHING.

Whuh for deener, woomun?
CHICKEN AND POTATOES.
No can eat cheeken. We go jail.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LARRY?
Zeeba gave me endan-gered species list. Cheeken on it.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU FELL FOR THIS.
FLY AWAY, leetle friend. BE FREE!

HEY, RAT, WANT TO LAY OUT IN THE SUN WITH ME?
NAH. I DON'T LIKE THE SUN HERE IN OUR VALLEY. IT ALWAYS GETS COVERED BY CLOUDS. I MUCH PREFER IT AT THE BEACH.
WELL, THE BEACH SUN MIGHT BE BETTER THAN THE SUN OF OUR VALLEY, BUT THAT MEAN LIFEGUARD IS THERE AND I DON'T LIKE HIM, SO I'LL JUST TAKE THE SUN HERE.
BUT I LIKE THE SUN OF A BEACH.
STOP!
WHAT NOW?
HE PROBABLY HATES THE SUN OF A BEACH.

THE CROCS ARE AFRAID TO EAT ANYTHING ON THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST, SO I PUT A BIG LIST OF THOSE ANIMALS IN THEIR MAILBOX.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH ANIMALS ARE ENDANGERED?
I DON'T, REALLY. SO I THREW IN EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. AND THEN SOME.
TOFU ENDANGERED?
HOW MANY LEGS A TOFU GOT?

PARDON ME, GENTLEMEN, BUT I'M A LAWYER FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND THIS HERE'S A LIST OF ALL THE ENDANGERED SPECIES IN THIS AREA. YOU ARE NOT TO HUNT, HARM, OR HARASS THEM IN ANY WAY.
Can me see list?
OF COURSE.
His name no was on list.

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED?
I GOT A ROLE IN A FILM. I PLAY WILLEM DAFOE'S ENEMY. BUT I'M NOT REALLY HIS ENEMY.
SO YOU'RE A WILLEM DAFOE FAUX FOE.
Fee Fi FO Fum, YOUR WHOLE STRIP IS REALLY DUMB.

I am stressed out by financial troubles, thought Bob to himself. And I must do something to relax.
So Bob took a class on transcendental meditation.
Sit in a calm, quiet space for twenty minutes a day and just repeat a brief mantra to yourself.

So Bob went home. And for twenty minutes a day, he sat in a calm, quiet place and repeated his mantra.
I do not understand, said his spiritual guru. At this point, your spiritual energy should be in harmony with the universe. What, if I may ask, is your mantra??
Financially broke failure, said Bob.
Bob was kicked out of meditation class.
MEDITATION'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.

I'M THINKING ABOUT OPENING A 10,000 SEAT OUTDOOR CONCERT VENUE ON OUR BLOCK.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THIS IS A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD. AT A MINIMUM, YOU'D HAVE TO FILE AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.
I DID.
HAVE A LOOK.
THERE WILL BE NOISE.
COULD YOU ADD A LITTLE MORE DETAIL?
LOTS OF NOISE.

WHO'S THE LITTLE GUY?
MY DOG 'LIBIDO.' HE WANTS TO RUN AROUND FREE IN THE YARD.
RINNGG
HI, PIG... IT'S ME, PIGITA. DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR A WHILE?
SURE. BUT MY LIBIDO REALLY NEEDS TO BE UNLEASHED.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE.

HEY NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. I HAD TO END AN AFFAIR I WAS HAVING WITH A GUY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE HE WAS SO PARANOID ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT. HE THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR HIM.
WHY DID HE FEEL THAT WAY?
I HAVE MY REASONS.

PIG GOT A NEW PUPPY AND NAMED HIM 'LIBIDO.'
THAT'S AN ODD NAME.
HE THOUGHT IT SOUNDED ITALIAN. BUT IT CREATED PROBLEMS WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM THE VET.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS?
MY LIBIDO IS VERY HEALTHY.
GOOD FOR YOU.

HEY, PIG. I'M LOOKING FOR SOME METALS, AND I KNOW THAT JUNK DEALER GIVES YOU SOME FOR FREE.
OH, YEAH. HE COMPS ME STAINLESS STEEL, COPPER, ALUMINUM.
DID HE COMP YOU ANY TIN?
SORRY. I'M STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPED TIN.
I'M AN ORIGINAL G.
GEEK?

YOU KNOW HOW PHYSICIANS HAVE THAT GUIDING PRINCIPLE OF "FIRST, DO NO HARM"?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT NEEDS TO BE ADHERED TO BY THE PEOPLE WHO UPDATE MY PHONE!!
BAD UPDATE?
STOP MESSING WITH MY &$#@%*&%@ PHONE!!

HELLO. I'M RAT AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
FACE IT... YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF GOOD CHOICES IN THIS ELECTION. SO VOTE FOR ME. BECAUSE IF ELECTED, I PROMISE TO DO ONE THING.
FREE BEER FOR EVERYONE.
I WILL HAND OUT FREE BEER HELMETS TO EVERYONE.
THIS WILL LOOK GENEROUS. BUT IS A RUSE.
BECAUSE THE HELMETS OF STUPID PEOPLE WILL BE MAGNETIZED.
WHILE THEY ARE OUT ENJOYING THEIR BEER HELMET, A GIANT MAGNETIC CRANE WILL LIFT THEM OFF THE STREET.
AND DROP THEM SAFELY ON THE GIANT TRASH HEAP THAT FLOATS IN THE PACIFIC.
WE'LL BE RID OF STUPID PEOPLE.
AND STUPID PEOPLE WILL THINK THEY'VE WON A HAWAIIAN VACATION.
WOULDN'T STUPID PEOPLE READ THIS AND BE ALERTED?
GOOD NEWS. THEY DON'T READ.
I'M VOTING FOR HIM.

HELLO, GOAT. I'VE FINALLY BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.
GOOD FOR YOU! THAT SAVES TONS OF LIVES.
HOW DOES THIS SAVE LIVES?

I WANT ENOUGH MONEY TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS.
TRUE.
BUT IT CAN SURE RENT THRILLS.
THRILLED YET?
FOR FIFTY BUCKS, THIS CAN ALL BE YOURS.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY PAL, LINDA. SHE'S NEVER BEEN PROMOTED AND HER EMPLOYER DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER ATTEMPTS TO BREAK THE GLASS CEILING.
THEY'RE SEXIST?
I WORK IN A GREENHOUSE.
SHE JUST CAN'T STOP THROWING ROCKS.
IT'S FUN TO BREAK THOSE LITTLE PANES.
I GET IT. STOP.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.

GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET EDDIE. HE'S A WRITER, BUT NOBODY EVER READS WHAT HE WRITES.
WELL, THAT'S A PESSIMISTIC ASSESSMENT. I'M SURE YOU HAVE AT LEAST A FEW READERS. WHAT DO YOU WRITE?
THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS IN YOUR APPLE SOFTWARE AGREEMENT.
OH.
PLEASE STOP JUST CLICKING 'AGREE'.

WE, THE JURY, FIND THE DEFENDANT INNOCENT.
JURY OF MY PEARS.
KEEP TRYING.
WHY? HE'S BETTER THAN YOU ALREADY.

CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHY SHOULD WE VOTE FOR YOU?
WELL, I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU NEED SOMEONE FIGHTING FOR YOU BUT WE BOTH KNOW I'M BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY MY BIGGEST DONORS.
AND I'D SAY TO PASS LAWS, BUT I NEED CONGRESS FOR THAT, AND THOSE SAME DONORS CONTROL THEM.
AND I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT, BUT FRANKLY, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO OKAYED THIS WHOLE MONEY THING IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HERE'S A PITCHFORK AND TORCH. DO WHAT YOU CAN.
AT LEAST WE HAVE OPTIONS.

WHAT'S PIG DOING?
HE GOT A JOB AS A QUEENS GUARD. HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE A MUSCLE.
click click click
THERE GOES THAT JOB.
MIND HOLDING MY GUN WHILE I GO POTTY?

WHO'S YOUR SUPERHERO FRIEND?
'HOLD.'
HE'S GOT A SUPER GRIP?
HE CAN WAIT ON HOLD 'TIL HIS HEALTH INSURER ANSWERS.
THAT IS A SUPERPOWER.
I'LL OUTWAIT THEE, EVIL FOE!
CALL MINE NEXT.

STEPHAN DOES A BOOK SIGNING
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THE BOOK SIGNING TONIGHT. MY EX-WIFE STACI IS ACTUALLY HERE IN THE FIRST ROW AND I’M THINKING MAYBE SHE’D LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED.
I’M THINKING NOT.
LOOK… SHE’S TELLING YOU YOU’RE NUMBER ONE.