Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK DO PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL HUMP DAY?
ANSWER THAT QUESTION WISELY OR I'LL BAN THIS STRIP IN UTAH, THE DEEP SOUTH, THE BIBLE BELT, AND ALL OF AMISH COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T SAY "WEDNESDAY" IN AMISH COUNTRY?
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
FIRST THEY GROW THE FUNNY BEARDS, THEN THEY BAN "WEDNESDAY"

I'M TIRED OF FAILING AT EVERYTHING I TRY.
WELL, CHANGE THAT.
HOW?
STOP TRYING.
YOU SHOULD REALLY BE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
I KNOW.
TRYING IS FOR LOSERS!

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO HAVING A SUCCESSFUL CAREER?
TO FIND WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO, AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I LOVE GETTING DRUNK. TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, I OPEN MY MOUTH.
LET ME RE-WORD THAT.
I'M A HUGE Success!!

WELL, YOU SURE LOOK DEPRESSED
SORRY. IT'S JUST MY JOB
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT
OH, THE USUAL. PETTY BOSS. REPETITIVE WORK. LOW PAY
BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO PUT UP WITH A JOB LIKE THAT. YOU NEED MORE OUT OF LIFE
I KNOW
YOU NEED TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF. REACH FOR SOMETHING MORE. REACH FOR THE STARS
REACH FOR THE SKY
OH GOD
NEVER TRY TO INSPIRE A BANKER

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TONIGHT?
I'M GONNA GET INTO MY WARM BED AND READ THIS NEW BOOK I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
OR INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, I MIGHT GO OUT IN THE COLD AND STAY UP LATE WITH STRANGERS WHO ARE FIGHTING AND THROWING UP SO I CAN STARE AT THE CLOCK AT 11:59 P.M. AND PRETEND THAT MIDNIGHT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
YOU LEFT OUT THE FUNNY GLASSES.
OH, LOOK, IT'S BEDTIME.

HEY, RAT. I'M HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU?
BIG SALE. THE COUNTY WAS SELLING ALL THEIR SURPLUS CLOTHING.
OH, YEAH? WHICH COUNTY DEPARTMENT?
I'M NOT SURE.

GOALS FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR:
Sleep in more.
Remain fat.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO SET REALISTIC GOALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Comparing da Google to God.
Dis wutuh me have so far.
Look Down on yoo from above
Geey yoo direkshun
See all dirty tings yoo search for
SO IT'S A TIE?
No
Can make driverless cars programted keel Larry
NO.
GOD IS NOT ALL-POWERFUL, LARRY.
No blasfeem da Google, woomun!

Whuh you doing, Larry?
Da Google making driverless cars programed keel Larry. So Larry secretly build wall protect self.
How you keep it secret?
Me not know, Bob. Mebbe me should Google dat and--
You juss blow cover, Larry.
You no can hide nutting from da Google, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me building wall protect myself against da Google.
GOOGLE?
Yeah. Dey making driverless cars. Me pretty sure dey gonna program dem to run over Larry.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
Becuss me never pay attenshun to dere leetle ads.
THEY PROBABLY WON'T KILL YOU FOR THAT.
Never trust da Google, son.

HELLO, LITTLE BOY... AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
A TRUCK? A GAME?
I WAS THINKING, SANTA... COULD YOU MAKE PEOPLE A LITTLE LESS GREEDY AND MAYBE LESS MEAN?
AND COULD YOU MAKE SOME OF THEM A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING?
AND HAVE THEM BE KIND TO ANIMALS AND NOT DESTROY THE PLANET...
AND YEAH, NO MORE SHOOTINGS.
WELL, I...
I KNOW, YOU CAN'T. SO HOW ABOUT A BIG "WE'LL JUST HOPE FOR THE BEST" HUG?
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I WANT THAT KID FOR CHRISTMAS.
GIMME AN X-BOX

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TEXTING FACEBOOK MESSENGER THAT I DON'T WANT NOTIFICATIONS TURNED ON.
AND TELLING THEM AGAIN. AND TELLING THEM AGAIN.
AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN...
YOU OKAY?
OHHHHHH, FACEBOOK, WHY DO YOU IGNORE MY NEEDS?

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY AIRLINES LET YOU RECLINE YOUR SEAT.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY INCREASE YOUR COMFORT BY TAKING IT AWAY FROM SOMEONE ELSE. SO IT'S A TEST TO SEE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SCREW OVER YOUR FELLOW MAN.
AND I AM!
AH, GOOD.
IT'S OKAY IF THEY'RE STRANGERS.

WE GOT A NEW NEIGHBOR.
WHO?
RUDY THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER.
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
AND YOUR PUNS ARE SOOO FUNNY.
I HEAR THAT A LOT.
NO YOU DON'T.

JEF THE CYCLIST WENT FOR A BIKE RIDE BEFORE DAWN THIS MORNING, SO HE WORE NEON.
A NEON HELMET?
HEY #%@&* FACE, CYCLIST HERE
SORT OF.
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF DURING BREAKFAST, JEF?
NO.

I THINK THAT INSTEAD OF EXCHANGING GIFTS THIS YEAR, WE SHOULD EACH MAKE A DONATION TO A CHARITY OF THE OTHER GUY'S CHOOSING.
GREAT. I'LL PICK THE RED CROSS.
AND I'LL PICK THE 'HELP RAT RAISE $35,000 TO BUY A LUXURY SEDAN.'
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T DO THIS.
100 PERCENT OF THE PROCEEDS GO TO MAKING THE RAT MORE COMFORTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Crocs decide to get political.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BIT PREJUDICED TO BAN EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BORN HERE?
Me no want that.
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
To keep out the rock band Foreigner.
I SEE.
"I Want To Know What Love Is" drive me nuts.

LIFE IS TERRIBLE. I'M GONNA JUMP AND END IT ALL.
WAIT... WHO SAID THAT?
CLARENCE, YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, HERE TO SHOW YOU WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD YOU NEVER LIVED.
LIKE HERE, LOOK AT YOUR GOOD PAL, PIG... HE DOESN'T HAVE YOU AROUND IN HIS LIFE.
SO HE HAS TO MAKE OTHER FRIENDS. BUT THEY'RE LIKE YOU. AND SUDDENLY, HE'S SELF-CONFIDENT AND HAPPY, AND HIS LIFE HAPPINESS SOARS.
AND THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AT PEACE AND THE MIDDLE EAST IS CALM AND ALL RACES AND CREEDS LIVE TOGETHER IN BROTHERHOOD.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUMP.
NO WAY. I HAVE A SICKENINGLY SWEET WORLD TO DISRUPT.

PIG, WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS ORANGE?
FROM EATING CHEESE PUFFS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WASH YOUR HANDS?
IT'S PERMANENT.
GET HELP.
THERE ARE NO REHAB CLINICS FOR PUFFAHOLICS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGIVING SINS FOR CASH.
THAT'S NOT ETHICAL.
I'M FORGIVEN.

THIS CHURCH IS MAKING IT REALLY EASY TO GET ORDAINED AS A PRIEST. THEY LET YOU DO IT ONLINE.
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE APPLY.
BLESS YOU, MY SON.
IT'S A BAD THING.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF TODAY. MY LACK OF DRIVE... MY LACK OF SELF- DISCIPLINE... MY LACK OF SUCCESS.
WELL, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD.
I'LL GO ON THE INTERNET AND HEAP SCORN ON COMPLETE STRANGERS.
NO.
AHHH... THE JOYS OF ANONYMITY.

I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH PIGITA TONIGHT. I THINK THINGS MIGHT GET PRETTY ROMANTIC.
WELL, MAKE SURE YOU BRING PROTECTION.
YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT?
OF COURSE.
FRIENDS OF YOURS?
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.

EVERY HEADSTONE, EVERY BOOK, EVERY SCULPTURE, EVERY SONG, EVERY BUILDING, EVERY AWARD, ARE ALL JUST THE SAME THING ... THE INDIVIDUAL CRYING, 'I WAS HERE.'
AND YET EVERY ONE OF US, GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF ENOUGH TIME, IS FORGOTTEN.
SO DRINK BEER, 'CAUSE SOON YOU'LL BE DEAD.
NOT QUITE WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
EMBRACE THE VOID.

Today's Lesson:
The Life of a 17-Year Cicada
Year 1: Stuck in dirt
Year 2: Stuck in dirt
Year 3: Stuck in dirt
Year 4: Stuck in dirt
Year 5: Stuck in dirt
Year 6: Stuck in dirt
Year 7: Stuck in dirt
Year 8: Stuck in dirt
Year 9: Stuck in dirt
Year 10: Stuck in dirt
Year 11: Stuck in dirt
Year 12: Stuck in dirt
Year 13: Stuck in dirt
Year 14: Stuck in dirt
Year 15: Stuck in dirt
Year 16: Stuck in dirt
Year 17:
Emergence
Next four weeks:
Try to find mate
No mate
No mate
No mate
Death
AND I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS BAD.
THEN A BIRD EATS HIM.
FINALLY! SOMEONE MORE ROMANTICALLY DESPERATE THAN ME!!