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I'M GONNA SEE A THERAPIST TODAY. I THINK I MAY HAVE ADHD, ADD, OR OCD.
OH, YEAH. I HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
WHICH ONE ?
ACDC. I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO 'BACK IN BLACK'.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A RECOGNIZED CONDITION.
OH, GREAT. NOW I FEEL LIKE WORSHIPING SATAN.

WANT TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH ME?
WHAT IS IT?
YOU DRINK A BEER EVERY TIME A CNN POLITICAL ANALYST BEGINS THEIR ANSWER WITH THE WORD ‘LOOK’
OKAY. I’LL PLAY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
CURSE YOO, DAVID GERGEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CHECK MY STOOL.
GET HELP.

AFTER A LOT OF THOUGHT, I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT SOMETHING.
THAT THE POINT OF LIFE IS LEARNING THAT THERE IS NO “I”.
THAT WE ARE ALL PART OF ONE WHOLE.
THUS, THE GOLDEN RULE – ‘DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU’. BECAUSE TO HARM OTHERS IS TO HARM YOURSELF.
AND THAT’S THE GOAL. TO HAVE THAT UNDERSTANDING. THAT THERE IS NO “I”. THAT WE, ALL OF US, ARE ONE.
YOU ATE TWO OF MY PEANUTS.
I THINK YOU’RE MISSING MY POINT.
I’M MISSING YOUR @#%*%#@ PEANUTS.

HEY, PIG... I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, BUT PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING.
ASKING WHAT?
IF I COULD TAKE YOUR FENCE OR ANYONE ELSE'S.
LET'S START OVER.
LET'S. BECAUSE SO FAR, IT'S BEEN VERY OFFENSIVE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M ON HOLD WITH AN AIRLINE AND A RECORDED VOICE IS APOLOGIZING FOR THE INCONVENIENCE AND TELLING ME THEY APPRECIATE MY BUSINESS.
WHICH IS NICE TO HEAR BUT BECOMES... SHEER MOCKERY WHEN YOU'VE HEARD IT THIRTY-ONE TIMES IN A ROW!!!
MAYBE THEY REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.
THEY SHOULD JUST SAY: YOU'RE SCREWED AND IT AMUSES US.

NONE OF MY TWEETS ARE GOING OUT TODAY.
YEAH. RAT WENT HUNTING.
SO?
HE SHOT THE TWITTER BIRD.
HE WAS MUCH TOO CHATTY.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE AT OUR DOOR WHO'D LIKE TO RENT OUR SPARE BEDROOM.
WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?
EAGER. PLUS, THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME TASTE IN CLOTHES AND SEEM LIKE A CLOSE-KNIT GROUP.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
GREAT. GOT ANY SPARE GUNS?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE GUN FROM A TANK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH IT?
I'M INSTALLING IT ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR.
SLOW DRIVERS BOTHER ME.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
SAY GOODBYE TO THE PRIUS.

HOW YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR NANCY?

JUST GOT BACK FROM A LONG TRIP. NOW I'M CARRYING A FEW EXTRA POUNDS.

YOU DON'T LOOK VERY FAT.

BRITISH POUNDS. I FORGOT TO EXCHANGE THEM.

THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

LISTEN, KIM, IT HAS BEEN NICE MEETING YOU ON TINDER, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DATE YOU. FOR ONE THING, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY LOVERS YOU HAD BEFORE ME.
FIFTEEN!
SERIOUSLY? IS THAT THE REAL NUMBER?
THIRTY!
THIRTY? THAT'S RIDICULOUS! WERE THEY JUST ONE-NIGHT FLINGS OR DID YOU ACTUALLY LOVE ANY OF THEM?
LOVE!
YEAH, RIGHT... YOU MUST THINK I'M SOME KIND OF IDIOT. SOME RUBE YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF.
ADVANTAGE!
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, STOP SHOUTING. YOU JUST SHOOK THE WHOLE COUNTER... UNLESS THAT WAS AN EARTHQUAKE... WE DO LIVE ON A --
FAULT!
YOU'RE A --
TENNIS UMPIRE.
HEY, CAN I BORROW A --
MATCH!

PIG, THIS IS SENATOR BON WOW.
HE REPRESENTS US IN CONGRESS AND HE'S AGREED TO VOTE YES ON AN ENVIRONMENTAL BILL THAT WILL CLEAN UP OUR CITY.
YES
DOGGIE TREATS FOR A 'NO'.
NO
HIS ETHICS ARE QUESTIONABLE.

WHAT'S THAT RECORD YOU HAVE THERE?
OH, THAT OLD '70s SONG "FEELINGS." I'M TAKING IT TO THIS GIRL I'M FRIENDS WITH.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
TO MEET THIS GIRL. I HAVE "FEELINGS" FOR HER.
SHE MUST NOT LIKE '70s MUSIC.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, DAD?
Is special helmet designed to bash down zeeba door. He gonna be so interemidated, he problee juss open door.
SUPPUS HAIR DRYER FROM THE BEAUTY SHOP?
AT LEAST HE'LL LOOK PRETTY.

IT'S SO DEPRESSING TO LOOK AROUND AND SEE HOW DUMB MOST PEOPLE ARE.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT IF YOU'RE EVER ACCUSED OF A CRIME, IT WILL BE TWELVE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IN PRISON.
READ BOOKS.

CHECK OUT MY EAR GAUGES. I GRADUALLY STRETCHED OUT MY EAR LOBES UNTIL THEY COULD FIT THESE HUGE HOOPS THAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN INDIVIDUALISTIC REBEL.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO THAT.
MINE COME WITH DOLPHINS.

CAN I GET A LARGE COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM FOR CREAM?
I HARDLY THINK THAT CUP COULD HOLD ERIC CLAPTON, JACK BRUCE AND GINGER BAKER.
DOES IT HURT YOU WHEN THEY CRINGE AND WALK AWAY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY TRAIN SET.
I THINK THE GUY ON THE TRAIN PLATFORM FELL OVER.
YEAH. HE TRIPPED ON A SMALL CRACK.
UH-OH... HERE COMES LARRY LAWYER. HE'S GONNA SUE THE TRAIN COMPANY, THE STATION OWNER, AND THE CITY.
LARRY WINS!! THE TRAIN COMPANY GOES OUT OF BUSINESS! THE STATION SHUTS DOWN!
THE CITY GOES BANKRUPT! ALL THE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS!
LARRY WENT TO LAW SCHOOL TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT?
GREAT. HE GOT ALL THE MONEY.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SATURDAY GOING?
GREAT. WE HAVE A HUGE LEAK IN OUR ROOF AND THE WATER IS JUST POURING IN.
WHY IS THAT GREAT?
I NO LONGER HAVE TO WATER OUR INDOOR PLANTS!
NOW THAT'S AN OPTIMIST.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
WIMBLEDON.
WHAT’S WIMBLEDON?
THIS TENNIS MATCH WHERE THE PLAYERS PLAY ON GRASS.
DRUG LEGALIZATION IS OUT OF CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
ANALYZING ALL OF MY FAILED ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS TO DETERMINE IF THERE WERE ANY FACTORS COMMON TO EACH OF THEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING?
ME
HOW DO I BREAK UP WITH ME?

GOAT SAYS YOU HAD SURGERY TO REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
YES. A FILTERECTOMY.
HAS ANYONE ELSE EVER HAD THE SURGERY?
JUST ONE GUY. BUT HE ASKED ME NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
THERE WAS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER EYES... BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER... WHEREVER.
EWWW.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY, RAT?
JUST ONCE. I HAD A FILTERECTOMY.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE THEY REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.
IF IT POPS IN HERE, IT POPS OUT OF HERE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
I'M NOT BIG ON VOTING.
DO YOU LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE VOTING IS LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES. YOU SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF AND HOPE WHAT COMES NEXT DOESN'T SUCK.
YOU'RE REALLY NOT HELPING.
OH, AND THEY'RE BOTH FILLED WITH RIDICULOUS FANTASY.

THE SUNDAY PAPER IS TRADITIONALLY KNOWN FOR ITS MANY COUPONS. BUT DO YOU REALLY NEED ANOTHER CHEAP HAM? SO TODAY WE OFFER YOU COUPONS YOU CAN REALLY USE.
ONE FREE PUNCH TO THE HEAD
to anyone non-blind person who wears their sunglasses indoors.
NO ONE CARES
ONE FREE POP IN THE NOSE
to anyone who thinks I care about what kind of luxury sedan they bought.
ONE FREE KICK TO THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS
who asks my poor city to pay for his new stadium
ONE FREE WAKE-UP CALL
to the Facebook friend who posts endless photos of themselves and their boyfriend or girlfriend on Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, or any other annoying event that I did not attend.
AN EVEN BIGGER WAKE-UP CALL
to the Twitter friend who keeps posting their political opinion.
I muted you a long time ago.
ONE FREE BAT TO THE HEAD
to any cartoonist who thinks it's clever or original to make himself a character in his own comic strip
WAS THAT LAST ONE REALLY NECESSARY?
HOLD OUT YOUR ARM.
HE HAS A COUPON.