Pearls Before Swine | Search

I went to a buffet and everyone got mad at me for sneezing.
Well, that's not fair. Sneezing can't be helped. Did you at least cover your mouth?
No.
No? Why not?
I thought that's what the sneeze guard was for.
Oh, god.
What's a sneeze guard for if you can't use it?

AND NOW FOR A COMFORTING ADDRESS FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
OKAY. THINGS ARE BAD.
BUT I AM YOUR PRESIDENT AND I AM HERE TO IMPROVE YOUR LIVES.
SO HERE IS WHAT I PROPOSE.
I WANT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU TO GO OUT AND BUY A DOG, A GUN AND A LARGE SUPPLY OF SPAM.
AND THESE THINGS SHOULD CARRY YOU THROUGH THE COMING APOCALYPSE.
BECAUSE IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
NOT THAT COMFORTING.
FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!!
SPAM!

I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE AMOUNT OF DEPRESSION IN MY LIFE IS ALWAYS CONSTANT.
HOW SO?
WELL, IF SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS, I'M HAPPY FOR JUST A BRIEF MOMENT. BUT THEN MY BRAIN QUICKLY FILLS ITSELF WITH SOMETHING ELSE TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT.
WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
IT'S LIKE THE AUTOMATIC ICE MAKER IN MY REFRIGERATOR. THE TRAYS NEVER EMPTY FOR LONG.
YOU SOMEHOW MADE ICE DEPRESSING.
I WANT MY COKE WARM!

ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK HOME AND SEEING YOUR RELATIVES FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
NO. I ALWAYS FEAR HOME.
WHY IS THAT?
I'M A HOMOPHOBE.
NOT THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
PLEASE DON'T INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S STOCKHOLM SYNDROME? BECAUSE I THINK I HAVE IT.
IT'S WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE AND DEVELOP A FEELING OF AFFECTION FOR YOUR CAPTOR.
I SEE. THANKS.
IT'S NOT WHEN YOU SHOP TOO MUCH AT IKEA.

STRANGE BUT TRUE CONFESSION TIME:
I ONCE WENT TO A FURRIES CONVENTION DRESSED AS A PANDA.
I'M TURNED ON BY WOMEN WHO CUSS AT ME.
I LIKE STICKING MY FINGER IN MY EAR AND SMELLING IT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF "GAME OF THRONES."
OH, YOU FREAK.
WEIRDO.
HEY! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SAFE SPACE!
DUDE. YOU'RE SICK.
SICK.

HEY, GOAT,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'VE BEEN REALLY SOCIAL TODAY. CHATTED WITH SOMEONE ON FACEBOOK, COMMENTED ON SOME TWEETS, AND POSTED SOME PHOTOS ON INSTAGRAM.
SO YOU SAT ALONE.
PLEASE LET ME PHRASE THINGS MY WAY.
YOU HAD THE SAME NUMBER OF HUMAN INTERACTIONS AS SOMEONE IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

WHY ARE YOU SITTING IN THE TOILET, PIG?
IT'S SYMBOLIC OF HOW MY LIFE IS CURRENTLY GOING.
FLUSH
SHOULD WE CALL A PLUMBER OR A THERAPIST?

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU READING MALCOLM GLADWELL? I LOVE HIM.
YEAH. ISN'T HE GREAT?
I FIRST HEARD ABOUT HIM ON THAT BILL SIMMONS PODCAST.
I LOVE HIS PODCAST.
HE'S A BIG CELTICS FAN.
I REALLY ENJOY THE N.B.A.
WE SHOULD GO TO A GAME SOME TIME.
SURE. I'LL PUT YOUR NUMBER IN MY PHONE.
OKAY...HERE...PUT YOURS IN MINE.
DING
DING
YOU JUST GOT A NEWS ALERT FROM...
THESE HACKS?
THIS RAG?
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR CHOICE OF NEWS DIDN'T DETERMINE YOUR LOVE LIFE?
SIT FURTHER AWAY.
EWW. DON'T TALK.

THIS GUY IS GIVING SUCCOR TO THE ENEMY.
WHAT'S THAT?
SUPPORT IN TIMES OF HARDSHIP.
INTERESTING, BECAUSE TODAY I SAW KIDS PLAYING THE GAME THE BRITISH CALL FOOTBALL, AND WHEN THEY LOST, THE COACH GAVE THEM LOLLIPOPS, WHICH WOULD BE --
NO.
A SOCCER SUCCOR SUCKER.
IT'S A CRIME YOU GET PAID FOR THIS.

THIS GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE SHE FELT I DIDN'T WASH MY SHEETS ENOUGH.
THAT'S RATHER SHOCKING.
THAT SHE'D BREAK UP WITH ME FOR SUCH A DUMB REASON?
THAT SHEETS NEED TO BE WASHED.
MAYBE I'M TELLING THE WRONG GUYS.
HAHAHA... BET SHE WASHES HER PILLOW CASES TOO!

WHAT'S THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE?
STAYING POSITIVE.
STAYING POSITIVE?
POSITIVE THAT SOMEONE WILL SCREW YOU OUT OF WHAT IS YOURS.
I'M VERY POSITIVE!
NO.
ALWAYS BE POSITIVE.

JOB APPLICATION
What do you think is the best way to respond to professional adversity?
A) Relax and think logically;
B) Seek the advice of others; or
C) Work harder to overcome obstacles.
D) Cry and eat ice cream.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.

THIS YEAR I DID NOT RECEIVE AN ACADEMY AWARD, PULITZER PRIZE, PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM, MACARTHUR GENIUS GRANT, OR SAINTHOOD.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT THE WORLD IS RACIST AGAINST CARTOON CHARACTERS.
TRY AGAIN.
THAT I NEED TO START BOYCOTTING THE POPE?

I’VE NOW STUDIED ALL THE ANCIENT TEXTS, RELIGIONS, AND PHILOSOPHIES TO DETERMINE THE KEY TO HAPPINESS.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
GET OFF THE INTERNET.
IRONICALLY, I USED IT FOR ALL MY RESEARCH.

I tell you, Myrtle. I've had it.
What now, George?
You. Always giving me projects to do.
So?
So I want to be free, Myrtle. Free to do what I want. Free to lay around. Free to do nothing!
I want to say to the whole world, "George Couch is a free man!"
Good for you, George. Go out into the street and tell the whole world. I'll move on.
Dude. Free couch.
Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing?
WOOHOOO!
AND MRS. COUCH LOCKED THE DOORS AND NEVER LET HIM BACK IN.
IT IS A CAUTIONARY TALE.
COUCHES NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

I'VE DEVELOPED AN I.Q. TEST. HERE'S THE FIRST QUESTION… TRUE OR FALSE: SOME PEOPLE LIKE ART MUSEUMS.
TRUE.
WRONG!
NOBODY LIKES ART MUSEUMS. THEY JUST PRETEND THEY DO TO MAKE THEMSELVES LOOK SMART.
MAYBE THE TEST GIVER'S I.Q. IS LOW.
WRONG AGAIN. YOU'RE DOING VERY POORLY.

WELL, NO MORE FINANCIAL WOES FOR ME! I'M NOW GONNA BE DRIVING PEOPLE AROUND FOR ONE OF THOSE RIDESHARING APPS!
DON'T YOU NEED A CAR FOR THAT?
MAYBE THE DRUNK ONES WON'T NOTICE.

GUARD DUCK
PUNS
RAT
IDIO TS
CROCS
DANNY DONKEY
PRESIDENT RAT
WORDPLAY
NEIGHBOR BOB
PIG
PURITY
LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW
FAMILY CIRCUS
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
SUTHERLAND SPRINGS
FIFTY DEAD
SHOOTING
SHOOTING
MASS SHOOTING
VEGAS
MASS SHOOTING
TWENTY DEAD
ORLANDO
HARD TO WRITE?
SOME DAYS MORE THAN OTHERS.

PIG SAYS YOU RAN FOR PRESIDENT OF YOUR HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION.
YEAH. BUT I LOST.
WHAT HAPPENED?
RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE.
I SEE.
STUPID PUTIN.

GLOBAL TRAVEL AND YOU:
A Helpful Age-Based Guide by Rat
YOUTH
Have time! But no money.
NUTS
ADULTHOOD
Have money! But no time.
NUTS
OLD AGE
Have time! Have money! Have two bad knees.
NUTS
HOW IS THIS HELPFUL?
TO EXPLAIN HOW LIFE...
HAS YOU BY THE OOMPA LOOMPAS!

HEY, FATHER GUS. WHAT'S THE MOST IN-TENSE PART OF BEING A PRIEST?
WELL, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN, BUT IT WOULD HAVE TO BE EXORCISING DEMONS.
WORK THOSE BUNS!! WORK THOSE BUNS!!
HUFF
HUFF
HUFF
HUFF
I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST YOU.
WHAT A HELLISH WORKOUT.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
MY COUSIN, CORY. CORY, THIS IS THE GANG.
HI.
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND DOING TO PIG?
I'M TEACHING HIM ALL ABOUT OUR FAMILY'S NATIVE AMERICAN ANCESTORS.
YEAH. YOU MEAN YEARS AGO.
NO. OUR TRIBE REPORTED TO EACH GENERATION AS A SET OF EARS. SO TWO GENERATIONS IS TWO EARS.
AND TELL HIM WHAT THEY ONCE DID.
WELL, OUR ANCIENT FATHERS BOUGHT A TRACT OF LAND FOR THE PROTECTION OF GNUS.
IT WAS LIKE THE GNUS WERE ALL JUST FOR GNUS. AND THEY WERE THE FIRST TO DO IT.
NO. THEY WERE ACTUALLY THE FOURTH TRIBE ON THIS CONTINENT TO DO THAT. THEN A BIG BAD MAN CAME AND THE GNUS LOST ALL THEIR LAND.
FORTUNATELY OUR FOUR GREAT-GRANDPAWS AND SEVEN EARS AGO. OUR FATHERS BOUGHT FORTH ON THIS CONTINENT A GNU NATION.
YOU HAVE LOOSED THE FATEFUL LIGHTNING OF HIS TERRIBLE SWIFT SWORD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
NO MATTER HOW I PUT AWAY MY IPHONE HEADPHONES, THEY ALWAYS GET TANGLED. SO I'M LAYING THEM DOWN VERY NEAT AND COILED SO THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN ANYMORE.
IT'S @#$*!@# SUPERNATURAL!!
NOTHING THAT A FEW HOURS CAN'T UNDO.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
WHAT'S ON YOUR AGENDA TODAY, SIR ?
ELIMINATING THE NATIONAL DEBT. HOW MUCH IS IT ?
$20000000000000.
I'M PERSONALLY IN CHARGE OF A COUNTRY THAT IS $20000000000000 IN DEBT :)
YES, SIR.
HOW BAD WOULD IT LOOK IF I RAN AWAY FROM HOME ?
BAD, SIR.