Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WEARING MY ANTI-GOVERNMENT
TIN FOIL HELMET. IT'S MEANT TO
DISRUPT ALL SURVEILLANCE
BY THE F.B.I., C.I.A., AND N.S.A.
DON'T YOU
THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE
PARANOID?
NO. GOVERNMENT IS BAD.
THEY SPY ON ALL OF US.
I SEE. AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY'D HAVE
TO PLANT A MICROPHONE ON EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF US, AND A CAMERA THAT CAN FOLLOW
US TO ANY LOCATION, AND A TRACKING DE-
VICE THAT KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THAT IS?
AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY ALREADY
HAVE ?
HOPE IT'S COMFORTABLE TO SLEEP IN.

THIS BOOK ON
OLYMPIC
MEDAL WINNERS
IS TERRIFIC.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S IN
THAT CHAPTER
THERE?
MARK
SPITZ.
ON
WHAT?
NOTHING.
DOES THAT
REALLY
DESERVE A
MEDAL?

THE PAPER SAYS THERE ARE
A LOT OF RELIGIOUS SECTS
IN OUR CITY WHO SHOULD
REALLY HAVE ROUND-THE-
CLOCK SECURITY PROTECTION.
DO THEY?
NO. VERY FEW
OF THEM CAN
AFFORD IT.
WOW. WE HAVE
A LOT OF
UNPROTECTED
SECTS.
STOP!
IT'S
A
HUGE
RISK.
WOULD IT
BE BETTER
TO HAVE
NO SECTS
AT ALL?

I GOT A JOB AT A 'NOT FOR PROFIT' CAFE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT CHARITY DO THEY DONATE THEIR REVENUES TO?
NONE. THEY JUST DON'T MAKE A PROFIT.
RIGHT.
AND IF THEY DID, THEY SURE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO A DUMB CHARITY.

PIG. IF WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE.
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW.
FINE. WE'RE BREAKING UP.
JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE LAST STRAW IN THE DISPENSER?
NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE. NOW I WANT TO BREAK UP.

IN AN EFFORT TO MINIMIZE THE IMPACT OF ALL THE IDIOTS IN THE WORLD, I DECLARE TODAY, MAY 16, 'TRY NOT TO BE AS STUPID AS YOU NORMALLY ARE' DAY.
I DON'T LIKE TO THINK OF ANYONE AS IDIOTS, BECAUSE I THINK EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH HAS VALUE AND SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE.
I SEE YOU'RE NOT OBSERVING THE HOLIDAY.

WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR MOM FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
NOTHING. I DON'T CELEBRATE CONVENTIONAL "HALLMARK" HOLIDAYS. INSTEAD, I MARK MY OWN MEANINGFUL DAYS ON THE CALENDAR.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE TODAY -- MAY 15. "GET AS DRUNK AS YOU CAN" DAY.
I'LL STICK TO TEA.
PLEASE. RESPECT MY CULTURAL TRADITIONS.

WHAT GROUP ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
GUESS WHO.
I DON’T KNOW.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SAID GUESS WHO.
RIGHT.
SO WHO?
NO.
WHO?
NOT WHO.
WHO?
THE BAND?
NOT THE BAND!
WHO IS NOT THE BAND?
RIGHT. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THEM!
THEN LISTEN TO MORE OF THEM.
AAAAUGGGG GGGGGGG GGGGGHHHH!!
DO YOU GIVE UP?
YES!
NO.
GUESS WHO.

Dear Pig,
Hope you have a wonderful day!
You're handsome!
You're smart!
And all the women love you!
WELL, THAT SURE IS A NICE LETTER TO GET. WHO SENT IT?
ME.
I FIGURE IT STILL COUNTS.

WHY DO CREATIVE PEOPLE CREATE?
I THINK THEY NEED THE ATTENTION THAT COMES FROM AN AUDIENCE TO FILL A LONG-STANDING NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE AND ADMIRATION.
HOLD ME.
SO THEY'RE LIKE STRIPPERS, BUT MORE PATHETIC.
FINE, I'LL TAKE MY TOP OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO RECORD SOMETHING ON THIS MICROPHONE,
BUT I HAVE TO AVOID ALL WORDS THAT START WITH 'P'
BECAUSE THEY CAUSE A POPPING SOUND.
THAT'S WHY YOU PUT ON THIS LITTLE POP FILTER.
IT PREVENTS THAT.
SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT NOW I CAN TRY SAYING 'P'?
ALL I AM SAYING IS GIVE 'P's A CHANCE.
EVEN I HATE YOU NOW.

EVERY TIME I MEET SOMEONE NEW, I FORGET THEIR NAME WITHIN TEN SECONDS... IT JUST DISAPPEARS.
IT'S LIKE SNAPCHAT. ONLY LESS FUN.
I HAVE SNAPCHAT OF THE BRAIN.
IT MUST BE NICE TO NOT NEED ALL THOSE APPS.

THESE MEN ARE LOOKING FOR THE SPOT WHERE SOME CRIMINALS ENTERED A BANK.
THOSE ARE F.B.I. AGENTS SO PEOPLE CALL THEM G-MEN.
YOU JUST PUT A 'G' IN FRONT OF THE WORD WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THESE KIND OF MEN?
YEP.
OKAY. THESE G-MEN ARE SEARCHING FOR THE G-SPOT.
NOPE BY COMIC STRIP CENSOR
THEY'RE NOT SEARCHING?
STOP TALKING.

WHAT KIND OF JEANS ARE YOU WEARING?
GUESS.
LEVIS.
NO. I JUST TOLD YOU.
FINE. THEN JUST TELL ME WHAT BRAND THEY'RE NOT. I WANT TO KNOW BAD.
LEE.
I WANT TO KNOW BADLY.
END. THIS. NOW.
FINE. GUESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M HEALING AMERICA BY PUTTING THESE TWO PEOPLE IN A BOX TOGETHER.
JOE IS A FOX-NEWS-WATCHING, CRACKER-BARREL-EATING CONSERVATIVE.
DAVID IS A NEW-YORK-TIMES-READING, WHOLE-FOODS-SHOPPING LIBERAL.
BY PUTTING THEM TOGETHER, I'M FORCING THEM TO SEE THAT THE OTHER IS A HUMAN BEING AND NOT SOME MONSTER.
DO YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?
I DO. BECAUSE BEING TOGETHER WILL FORCE THEM TO HAVE A FRANK EXCHANGE OF--
HAND GRENADES.
COMMIE!
FASCIST.
HEY! NO KILLING IN THE BOX O' RECONCILIATION

WHO'S THAT WOMAN, GOAT?
SHE'S THE SUPER OF MY BUILDING. SHE'S POSING FOR A PHOTO SHOOT TO BE USED IN OUR BUILDING BROCHURE.
SO SHE'S A MODEL?
YEAH. AND I'M ACTUALLY DATING HER.
WHO'S GOAT DATING?
A SUPER MODEL.
STUPID STEPHAN PUN.
HOW ELSE COULD GOAT DATE A SUPER-MODEL?
I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU PAY AT A GROCERY STORE, IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PUT THE DIVIDER IN FRONT OF YOUR FOOD OR BEHIND IT?
BEHIND.
IN FRONT.
CRACK
I LIKE TO THINK I'M CREATING A BETTER WORLD.

HEY, RAT, HOW COME
YOU'RE NOT HERE?
STUCK IN TRAFFIC… EITHER
THERE'S A WRECK JUST AHEAD,
OR THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY
PEOPLE DRIVING RIGHT NOW,
IN WHICH CASE IT COULD BE
LIKE THIS THE WHOLE WAY.
WAIT… WAIT… IT'S A
BIG WRECK!! YESSS!!
SOMEWHERE WE LOST
OUR HUMANITY.

HI, RAT. I'M FATHER GEORGE FROM THE CORNER CHURCH. I NOTICE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU THERE LATELY.
I'VE BEEN BUSY.
WELL, YOU NEED TO START GOING REGULARLY. AND YOU NEED TO STOP ALL YOUR DRINKING AND SWEARING AND CAROUSING. THAT IS, IF YOU WANT TO GET INTO HEAVEN.
ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE YOU THERE?
OF COURSE.
AND THAT'S WHEN I CHOSE A LIFE OF SIN.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, GOAT? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AND RON.
I WENT TO SEE THE AKIRA KUROSAWA FILM, RAN. THEY WERE SHOWING IT AGAIN AT THE THEATER, SO I RUSHED OVER THERE.
YOU DID WHAT?
I RAN TO THE RE-RUN OF RAN, RON.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, BUT I HATE YOU.

I think I talk too much.
WELL, GOD GAVE US TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH SO WE COULD LISTEN TWICE AS MUCH AS WE SPEAK.
AND HE GAVE ME TEN KNUCKLES SO I COULD PUNCH FIVE TIMES AS MUCH AS I LISTEN.
SO VIOLENCE IS THE ANSWER.
NO.
YES. IT'S HOW WE STOP STUPID EXPRESSIONS.

HEY, LITTLE BO PEEP.
HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M TIRED OF LOSING MY @#$% SHEEP.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M WRITING DOWN ALL OF THEIR NAMES ON A SHEET OF PAPER.
DOES THAT HELP?
YEAH. BECAUSE NOW I JUST DO A ROLL CALL AND IMMEDIATELY FIND OUT WHO'S MISSING.
WOW. CAN I SEE YOU DO IT?
SURE…I…WHAT THE… I CAN'T FIND THE @#$% THING. OH @#$%^*@#$@#%@#$@#$
LITTLE BO PEEP HAS LOST HER SHEET.
EWE OFFENDED US.

PIG, ARE YOU STILL LISTENING TO THE BEATLES? YOU HAVEN'T MOVED FOR THREE DAYS.
I CAN'T HELP IT. THEY'RE SO GOOD.
I DON'T CARE. GET UP AND TAKE A BREAK. GO FOR A WALK. WRITE A LETTER TO SOMEONE. DO ANYTHING.
Dear Prudence,
Won't you come out to play?
IT'S NOT HELPING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE HERE TO WALK AROUND YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND GIVE YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
DID MY ANNOYING NEIGHBOR BOB FINALLY KICK THE BUCKET?
GOOD NEWS MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY HAMSTER DIED. SO I'M BURYING HIM IN A SHOEBOX.
WHAT A SAD LIFE. HE LIVED. HE DIED. HE GETS BURIED IN A BOX.
PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME THAT I'M JUST LIKE A HAMSTER.
FINE. YOU WEAR A HAT.
AND YOU'RE FATTER.