Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
SHHH. IT'S MAGIC TIME WITH MAGICTOON.
FIRST THING I DO IS UNLIMITED CASH FOR ALL THE SUPER-PACS.
AND THEN I ADD A SUPREME COURT THAT SAYS IT'S ALL OKAY, AND SOME REDRAWN HOUSE DISTRICTS SO THAT ELECTED OFFICIALS RARELY LOSE ELECTIONS... AND POOF!
YOUR DEMOCRACY IS GONE!
YAAAY! YAAAY! DO IT AGAIN!!
UH.. CAN YOU MAKE IT REAPPEAR??
HEY LOOK, IT'S A LOBBYIST!

I'M TIRED OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

WHY DOES ANYONE GET TO TELL ME WHAT WORDS ARE ACCEPTABLE AND WHAT WORDS ARE OFF LIMITS?
I'M AN AMERICAN. I CAN SAY ANYTHING I WANT.
JUST A WORD OF WARNING HERE, RAT. PEOPLE WHO LOSE THEIR JOBS, THEIR SECURITY -- EVERYTHING -- FOR SAYING THE WRONG WORD.
I DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA DO IT.
RAT, PLEASE, WE'RE IN NEWSPAPERS. WE HAVE TO --
STEWARDESS!
STEWARDESS!
STEWARDESS!
HAPPY NOW?
THAT WAS LIBERATING.
THIS MAN'S AN AMERICAN HERO!
UH, WHY ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS E-MAILING ME?

EVERYONE STRIVES TO BE
THE GREATEST IN THE
WORLD AT SOMETHING.
THAT'S TOO HARD.
THE KEY IS TO
DEFINE YOUR
WORLD ON SMALLER
TERMS AND
BE THE GREATEST
THERE.
LIKE YOUR
CITY
OR
COUNTY?
LIKE RATOPIA, WHERE I
DOMINATE.
YOU SEEM LIKE A
REAL NOBODY.

MY DREAMS NEVER SEEM TO COME TRUE.
THAT'S GOOD.
WHY IS THAT GOOD?
BECAUSE IF THEY DO COME TRUE AND YOU'RE STILL NOT HAPPY, YOU'RE SCREWED.
SO MY MISERABLE LIFE IS A BLESSING.
YES. THIS WAY THERE'S STILL HOPE.

I'VE REALLY HAD A STRING OF BAD LUCK LATELY.
WELL, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
YES, AND THAT REASON IS THAT LIFE IS FICKLE AND CRUEL.
LET'S START OVER.
AND IT BETTER STOP PICKING ON ME!!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ?
A STRIP SO GOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL PUT IT ON THEIR FRIDGE. IT'S THE ULTIMATE HONOR FOR A COMIC STRIP.
CAN I TRY ?
SURE.
GROCERY LIST
IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE.
HEY! PLEASE DON'T WRITE "BAKED BEANS ON MY COMIC!

HAPPY ANNIV-ERSARY, PATTY! WHAT DID LARRY GET YOU?
I'M WAITING TO SEE.
YEAH... GIFTS CAN REALLY SHOW HOW MUCH A SPOUSE PAYS ATTENTION TO WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU NEED.
Here is basketball shoe. In case you play basketball.
BEING SINGLE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO SHOVE THIS SUCKER IN MY EYE.
WHY?
TO SEE WHAT THEY MEAN BY 'EYE CANDY'.
PIG...
DON'T STOP HIM.
OW! I CAN'T SEE.

JOJO JUNIOR PACKED FOR COLLEGE.
Well, goodbye, Mom.
Goodbye, Dad.
Oh, son, we'll miss you so much.
We love you, son.
Love you.
BYE, LOVE YOU.
Shoot. Left my favorite pillow in my bedroom.
Hi, I--
Home office now.
Sold your crap.
THIS IS YOUR "CONGRATS ON GRADUATING" CARD?
YOU GOTTA SEND THE KID A MESSAGE.
WHY HAVEN'T THEY CHANGED THE LOCKS YET?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A GRATITUDE LIST. YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE SOME SORT OF INNER PEACE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
"I'M GRATEFUL THAT I'M NOT GOAT."
NEVER MIND.
IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH PEACE IT'S GIVEN ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB MAKING WEDDING CAKES. THIS ONE'S FOR A YOUNG COUPLE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
THAT CAN'T BE A GOOD SIGN.

HI, RAT. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN CHURCH LATELY. I FEAR YOU'VE TURNED FROM THE MORAL TEACHINGS OF THE CHURCH TO THAT OF THE LIMBO DANCE.
THE LIMBO DANCE?
HOW LOW CAN YOU GO :)
WE HAVE A VERY SARCASTIC PRIEST.

YOU'RE HAVING FRIED CHICKEN AND ICE CREAM AND BEER. YOU'RE GONNA CUT TEN YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.
ARE THOSE THE TEN YEARS WHEN YOU'RE ALL BY YOURSELF AND EVERYTHING HURTS AND NOBODY VISITS YOU? :)
LONGEVITY IS FOR SUCKERS.

HEY, ROWLAND, THANKS FOR COMING OVER AND WATCHING BASEBALL WITH ME.
IS RALEIGH STILL BEHIND?
NOPE. THEY CAME BACK TO SCORE SEVEN AND TAKE THE LEAD IN THE NINTH.
REALLY?
REALLY, ROWLIE, A RALEIGH RALLY.
REALLY?

HEY, GOAT... RAT
WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU WANT TO
GO CLUBBING
WITH HIM.
I CAN'T SEE RAT
DANCING WITH ALL
THOSE TRENDSETTING,
FASHIONABLE
HIPSTERS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NEVER MIND.
NO, REALLY.
LEAD ME
TO THESE
HIPSTERS.

RAT. THIS IS MY AUNT. SHE HAS THIS GREAT STORY TO TELL.
I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
OKAY. DEAR. I MET THIS BRAVE WOMAN FROM BOULDER, COLORADO, WHO CONSTRUCTS HOUSES.
AND SHE WAS A GREAT, GREAT BOWLER.
HOW GREAT?
WELL, SHE USED TO WALK INTO BOWLING ALLEYS AND BOWL WITHOUT PAYING, WHICH SHE COULD DO BECAUSE HER BOWLING WAS SO IMPRESSIVE.
WOW.
YEP. AND WHEN SHE HAS DONE SHE TOLD THE BOWLING ALLEY TO BILL HER, HER FAVORITE BAR FOR THE COST OF THE BOWLING, SINCE THE BAR LOVED TO SPONSOR HER.
YOU MEAN --
A BOLDER, BOULDER BOWLER BOLDER HER BALL. DEAR. BILLED HER BAR, DEAR.
YOU'RE NOT RIGHT IN THE HEAD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. YOUR FACEBOOK MESSAGES TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND COULD BE A LOT MORE CONSIDERATE.
OH. ARE YOU A FRIEND OF HERS?
I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT. WE READ EVERYTHING NOW.
I MISS RIGHTS.
HEARD THAT.

SO, 1980S MAN, THIS IS CALLED TWITTER, AND IF YOU LOOK THERE, YOU'LL SEE I JUST GOT A FOLLOWER.
OH, GOD.
WHAT?
SO LIKE A CREEPY STALKER?
WE WANT FOLLOWERS NOW.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

PIG EXPLAINS SMARTPHONES TO 80'S MAN
SO YOU CAN TALK ON THOSE LITTLE THINGS ANYWHERE?
WELL, NOT ANYWHERE. DEPENDS WHERE YOU'RE STANDING AND HOW MANY BARS YOU HAVE.
MY TOWN HAS NINE.
HE DOESN'T MEAN THE ONES YOU DRINK IN.
I ONLY DRINK IN FOUR OF THEM.

I'VE DECIDED TO DONATE ALL MY ORGANS AFTER I DIE.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF I DO IT BEFORE I DIE, IT WILL KILL ME.
SOMETIMES YOU ASK STUPID QUESTIONS.

LOOKS LIKE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIALS ARE REFUSING TO TRAVEL TO THIS OTHER COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY FEEL IT’S JUST A PUPPET STATE.
WHY HASN’T AMERICA SHOWN UP?
I DON’T KNOW.
I DON’T KNOW.
I LOST YOU, DIDN’T I?
IT SEEMS RACIST.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE COULDN'T COME. HE SAID HIS GIRLFRIEND PIGITA WAS STARTING TO GET CONTRACTIONS.
CONTRACTIONS? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT.
DOES IT MAKE SENSE NOW ->
DO NOT = DON'T
HAS NOT = HASN'T
I THINK.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING
EXPLORING ALL THE THINGS OUR MOMS TOLD US THAT AREN'T TRUE.
LIKE SITTING TOO CLOSE TO THE TV RUINS YOUR EYESIGHT.
NOT TRUE!
AND THAT YOU HAVE TO WAIT A HALF HOUR AFTER YOU EAT TO SWIM.
NOT TRUE!
AND THAT IF YOU MAKE A FACE, IT CAN STAY THAT WAY.
NOT TRUE!
THAT IF YOU SWALLOW GUM, IT STAYS IN YOUR STOMACH FOR SEVEN YEARS.
NOT TRUE!
THAT RUNNING WITH SCISSORS IS DANGEROUS.
NOT TRUE!
MOM MIGHT BE RIGHT ON THAT ONE.

HEY, RAT, ARE YOU READING THAT BIG BOOK?
I WAS GOING TO. BUT THEN I NOTICED THAT THE FOREWORD HAD ROMAN NUMERAL PAGE NUMBERS.
SO?
SO THOSE PAGES ARE BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO PAGE ONE. AND THAT WAS PROFOUNDLY DEMORALIZING. SO NOW I'M GOING TO BURN IT.
SOME PEOPLE JUST SKIP THE FOREWORD.
BURNING FEELS MUCH BETTER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
80'S MAN. HE'S BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE 1987. SO WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE BY GOING FOR A DRIVE.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE DIRECTIONS. SO WE'RE BRINGING A TRUNK FULL OF MAPS. PLUS, I'VE GOT A BOOMBOX TO LISTEN TO AND A BUNCH OF DIMES TO CALL HOME.
NO TIME TO GET HIM UP TO SPEED?
NO.
GOT SPACE FOR MY VIDEO CAMERA?