Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HEARD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BECAUSE SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA. AND I DON'T BLAME YOU. WHEN IT COMES TO PIZZA TOPPINGS, IT'S ANCHOVIES OR NOTHING.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I BROKE UP WITH PIGITA. WE FINALLY HIT UPON AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT WE JUST COULDN'T GET PAST.
OH MY GOD. WHAT WAS IT?
SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
HAWAIIAN STYLE. THE WORST.
WE'VE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don’t have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look. Obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI! KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?

OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?

ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A PI.

AHHHH!!
WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

I NEVER KNOW.

HOW ARE YOUR EGGS, DAD?
RUNNY. BUT I GUESS THEY'RE FINE.
SORRY. THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE I COULD TAKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST THAT WAS NEAR YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH. WELL, WITH THE TRAFFIC NOW, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO ANYWHERE.
JUST YESTERDAY, I HAD TO GET TO MY DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. MADE ME TEN MINUTES LATE.
OF COURSE, THAT STUPID DOCTOR IS ALWAYS LATE, TOO. HE'S TERRIBLE.
THE IDIOT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS PAIN IN MY LEG IS.
HURTS. ALL THE TIME. PAIN. PAIN, PAIN, PAIN. IT'S HORRIBLE.
NOW MY G*#% COFFEE'S COLD.
YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST MORE OFTEN?
'CAUSE LIFE'S JUST...NOT...WORTH...LIVING.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN INSPIRATIONAL ALARM CLOCK. I DESIGNED IT TO HELP FOLKS START THEIR DAY ON THE RIGHT NOTE.
*CLICK*
YOUR DAY WILL BE RUINED BY A @#$%*#@ IDIOT.
HOW DOES THAT INSPIRE ME?
YESTERDAY, IT WAS TWO IDIOTS.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
PIG'S THROWING A BIG BLOCK PARTY. HE ASKED ME TO INVITE YOU.
WOW... THOSE THINGS ARE QUITE THE HIP EVENT THESE DAYS... SO TELL HIM SURE, I'LL GO.
WELCOME.
I'M GOING HOME.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU NEED TO STOP HAVING LOUD PARTIES IN YOUR BACKYARD THAT GO PAST MIDNIGHT.
IT'S MY BACKYARD AND I WILL GO OUT THERE AND DO WHATEVER I WANT, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
CHECK YOUR BACKDOOR, BOB.
REMOVE THE BRICKS, RAT.
I'M GIVING YOU A TIMEOUT, BOB.

I'M WRITING A MOVIE ABOUT BOISE, IDAHO. THE TOWN HAS BARRICADED ITSELF OFF FROM THE WORLD AND THEY'RE KILLING OFF EVERYONE WHO'S NOT FROM BOISE.
BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW IF YOU'RE FROM THERE OR NOT.?
THEY ASK, "WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
BUT PEOPLE WILL JUST LIE AND SAY BOISE.
HA! YOU FOOL! YOU PRONOUNCED IT "BOY-ZEE." NATIVES SAY "BOY-SEE." BOY-ZEE! BOY-SEE! SO BAM BAM! YOU'RE DEAD!
I'M BORED ALREADY.
WAIT... NOW I'VE GIVEN AWAY THEIR SECRET.

DATE ME! I'M LONELY!
DATE ME! I'M NEEDY!
THAT IS NOT WHAT MY TINDER PROFILE SCREAMS.
YES, IT IS.
WHOA, YOU ARE DEFINITELY A SWIPE-LEFTER.

HOW TO APPRECIATE ALL THAT IS AROUND YOU
by Rat
Lower your standards immensely.
I JUST SOLVED LIFE.

BANKING EXPLAINED
WE CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP
WELL, SIR, NO LOAN FOR YOU. WE HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL UNDER ALL THESE NEW BANKING REGULATIONS.
BUT AREN'T YOU THE SAME BANK WHOSE EMPLOYEES OPENED TWO MILLION FAKE ACCOUNTS TO CHARGE CUSTOMERS FAKE FEES?
YES.
BUT WE FIRED THOSE BAD APPLES!
BUT WAS SOMEONE HELD RESPONSIBLE?
YES, SIR! SHE'S RETIRING
RETIRING?
WITH A $124,000,000 PAYOUT.
SO YOU COLLECT FAKE FEES FROM CUSTOMERS. FIRE THE EMPLOYEES YOU PRESSURED. AND NO ONE AT THE TOP TAKES THE BLAME?
YES. BUT IF YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT IT, YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN.
I HANG WITH THE BANKS' C.E.O.
I LOVE YOU BEST BUDDY!
I LOVE YOU TOO, BEST BUDDY!
MORE, MORE, BEST BUDDY!
WHERE DOES IT ALL END?
I'M HOPING FOR PITCHFORKS AND TORCHES.
JUST TELL ME WHO TO POKE!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. YOU OKAY?
NOT REALLY. I'M GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS AND MY ARMS ARE SHAKING A LITTLE BIT.
OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW. IS IT ALCOHOL? DRUGS?
I LEFT MY SMARTPHONE AT HOME.
WE'RE A SAD GENERATION.

THIS FORM IS ASKING ME WHAT KIND OF BLOOD I HAVE.
DO YOU KNOW?
BAD BLOOD. BETWEEN ME AND ALL MY RELATIVES.
NOT AN ACTUAL BLOOD TYPE.
IS BOILING A BLOOD TYPE?

YOU KNOW HOW MAIDS ARE NOW HOUSEKEEPERS AND STEWARDESSES ARE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS AND GARBAGE-MEN ARE SANITATION ENGINEERS?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A DOMESTICATED UNGULATE.
MOOOOOO.
IT'S CALLED A COW.
NOT ANYMORE.
HOW NOW, BROWN DOMESTICATED UNGULATE?

I JUST GAVE MONEY TO A CHURCH.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
SO THAT ONE DAY, I AUTOMATICALLY GET INTO HEAVEN AND AVOID THE FIERY FURNACE OF HELL.
A DONATION TO A CHURCH DOESN’T GUARANTEE THAT.
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO STEAL IT BACK FROM THE COLLECTION PLATE?
YES. ROBBING GOD’S HOUSE IS FROWNED UPON.

DID YOU
GO TO
COLLEGE?
Yeah. Me graduate
Stanford Uneversity
wild degree een
math.
I FIND
THAT
HARD TO
BELIEVE.
Is true. Me an
alumnium.
IT WOULD BE A LOT
MORE CONVINCING
IF YOU KNEW THE
WORD ALUMNI.
Hey... Me
math major,
not English
major.

HEY, GOAT, WE'RE HAVING A PROBLEM WITH ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS AND HIS HOUSE AND WE NEED SOME DUCK TAPE TO FIX IT. DO YOU HAVE ANY?
WHY ARE YOU CALLING IT 'DUCK TAPE'? IT'S DUCT TAPE.
NEVER MIND.
YOU GONNA STOP WITH THE LOUD PARTIES OR NOT, BOB?

TODAY I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT MATTHEW 16:26. "FOR WHAT WILL IT PROFIT A MAN IF HE GAINS THE WHOLE WORLD BUT FORFEITS HIS SOUL?"
INDEED.
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO AMASS AS MUCH MONEY AS ONE POSSIBLY CAN?
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO OWN THE BIGGEST HOUSE?
IS IT THE GOAL OF LIFE TO IMPRESS YOUR NEIGHBOR WITH THE NICEST CAR, THE BEST CLOTHES, THE FANCIEST WATCH...
YES! YES! YES!
GUESS HE DIDN'T REALLY WANT AN ANSWER.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A CHURCH EJECTION BEFORE.

IF YOU COULD LIVE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, WOULD YOU?
DO MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY GET TO LIVE THE THOUSAND YEARS WITH ME?
IT'S TOUCHING THAT YOU CARE.
OF COURSE I CARE. I'M NOT LIVING A THOUSAND YEARS WITH MY FAMILY.
THAT'S LESS TOUCHING.
I CAN'T TAKE A THOUSAND MORE CHRISTMAS DINNERS.

OKAY, WELL, IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY. GOODBYE.
*CLICK*
MOBILE PHONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY DISNEY FIGURINES. I ALWAYS USE MY RIGHT HAND TO PLAY WITH DUMBO, AND MY LEFT HAND TO PLAY WITH SNOW WHITE.
WHAT ABOUT BAMBI OVER THERE?
I CAN PLAY WITH BAMBI WITH EITHER MY LEFT HAND OR MY RIGHT.
WHY'S THAT?
I'M BAMBIDEXTROUS.
MAKE IT STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me gonna crush you head wid lamp.
BUT WHY? ISN'T THERE ENOUGH DISCORD IN THE WORLD ALREADY?
Discord?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT DISCORD MEANS?
Dis cord is attached to dis lamp?
NO.
Dis cord should be wrapped around you neck.