Pearls Before Swine | Search

SIR.. WE APPRECIATE THAT YOU ENJOY OUR CAFE AND THAT YOU LIKE TO BUY OUR COFFEE.
BUT BUYING A SINGLE CUP OF COFFEE DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO CAMP YOURSELF HERE FOREVER.
THAT'S QUITE AN ACCUSATION.
PLEASE GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
OUR LANDLORD IS COMING OVER, SO I'M COVERING UP A HUGE RAT HOLE IN THE WALL WITH THIS VALANCE.
AND WHY ALL THE CHEX CEREAL ON THE GROUND?
I THREW THEM THERE. I'M HOPING HE'LL STEP ON THEM AND THAT WILL DISTRACT HIM FROM LOOKING UP AND SEEING THE HOLE.
PRETTY SMART SYSTEM.
YEAH... WE'RE PROUD OF OUR SYSTEM OF CHEX AND VALANCES.
YOU RUIN THE ENTIRE COMICS PAGE.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, RAUL... HE JUST MOVED HERE FROM HIS COUNTRY... HE'S MEXICAN.
HISPANIC.
MEXICAN-AMERICAN.
LATIN.
LATINA? LATINO?
HISPANIC-AMERICAN LATINO?
OH, GOD, HELP ME, I'M NOT A RACIST!
HELP ME!
IS HE ALWAYS THIS TIGHTLY WOUND?
ALWAYS.
HE'S FROM HERE.

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
TO PROTEST THE AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE IN MOVIES.
GOOD FOR YOU. THERE'S FAR TOO MUCH.
TOO LITTLE.
IF THEY DISAGREE, I'LL HIT THEM WITH THE SIGN.
ENOUGH

WHO’S YOUR FAVORITE ACTRESS?
ELLEN BURSTYN. AND I HEARD SHE LIKED CHESTNUTS, SO I SENT HER 2,000 POUNDS OF THEM THAT I PICKED OFF TREES.
NOW, AREN’T THOSE COVERED IN TINY BURRS?
YEAH, BUT SHE REMOVED THE BURRS AND BLEW THEM ALL UP TO GET RID OF THEM.
BURSTYN BURST ONE BURRS TON?
YOU ARE A BURR IN THE SADDLE OF LIFE.

WHO ARE YOU?
HUMOR POLICE. FROM NOW ON, I'LL BE DECIDING WHAT'S FUNNY AND WHAT'S NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS FUNNY?
EVERYTHING. AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T INVOLVE RACE, ETHNICITY, RELIGION, POLITICS, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, GENDER, TRANSGENDER, OBSCENITY, BODY-SHAMING, AGE-ISM, THE DISABLED, LITTLE PEOPLE, VEGETARIANS, THE GLUTEN-INTOLERANT, OPINIONS, TRUTH, OR CRUELTY TO DOLPHINS.
WOULDN'T IT BE QUICKER TO LIST THE JOKES WE CAN MAKE?
THE CHICKEN CROSSING THE ROAD ONE.
HAHAHA HAHAHA
I LOVE THAT ONE

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO PIGS WHEN THEY DIE?
THEY GO TO HEAVEN.
BECAUSE PIGS ARE GOOD AND DESERVE ETERNAL HAPPINESS?
BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE HEAVEN WITHOUT BACON.
SO MUCH FOR THEIR HAPPINESS.
WE TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

I HEAR YOU'VE TAKEN UP COOKING
YEAH. HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO FOLLOW A RECIPE? THEY GIVE SOME PRECISE MEASUREMENT. YOU FOLLOW IT EXACTLY. AND BOOM, YOU HAVE A DISH.
Add a pinch of salt
A dash of oregano
A tad of pepper
A hint of garlic
A smidgen of ginger
And a dollop of cream
SOMEONE'S MESSING WITH ME.

THANKS FOR CHECKING MY GRAMMAR FOR ME, RAT. DID I MAKE ANY MISTAKES?
YEAH, THIS SENTENCE NEEDS A COLON.
WHAT'S A COLON?
GOOGLE IMAGE IT.
LEAVE IT AS IS.

I HAVE TO FLY FROM DALLAS TO PHOENIX TODAY, AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO SET MY WATCH.
WELL, DALLAS IS ON CENTRAL TIME, SO IT'S ONE HOUR AHEAD OF PHOENIX.
BUT KEEP IN MIND - TODAY WE SET OUR CLOCKS BACK AN HOUR BECAUSE IT'S THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
EXCEPT IN ARIZONA, WHICH DOESN'T OBSERVE IT. SO WHEN YOU GET TO PHOENIX, THE HOUR YOU JUST WENT BACK IN TEXAS GETS UNDONE. PLUS YOU HAVE THE HOUR BEHIND FOR THE TIME ZONE, WHICH--
SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH
WHO NEEDS WATCHES?

WHATS THIS STAIN ON MY CARPET?
RAT TOLD ME NOT TO SAY ANYTHING, BUT HE DROPPED A POT OF BEANS ON IT.
OH. RAT'S PROBABLY NOT GONNA BE HAPPY YOU TOLD ME.
TOLD YOU WHAT?
I SPILLED THE BEANS ABOUT SPILLING THE BEANS.
DOES YOUR FAMILY WEAR PAPER BAGS OVER THEIR HEADS?

THERE'S NOWHERE TO SIT IN THIS RESTAURANT.
WELL, THERE ARE NO INDIVIDUAL TABLES, BUT THERE ARE A COUPLE OF SEATS FREE AT THAT BIG COMMUNAL TABLE.
OH, GOOD. THEN AFTER WE'RE DONE, MAYBE WE CAN ALL HOLD HANDS WHILE WE GO TO THE URINAL TOGETHER.
NOT A FAN OF COMMUNAL TABLES?
IT'S LIKE HELL WITHOUT THE PITCHFORKS.

HI, PIG. I'VE BEEN WALKING THE STREETS ALL NIGHT AND HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE. CAN I BORROW SOME POSTAGE?
SURE. HERE YOU GO.
WHAT'D SHE NEED?
TRAMP STAMP.

WHAT'S IT WITH GUYS WEARING SUPER TIGHT JEANS NOW
IT'S JUST A TREND. SOME GUYS THINK IT MAKES THEM LOOK ATTRACTIVE.
HEY, GUYS... HOW GOES IT?
THE TREND NEEDS TO END NOW.
PLEASE CHANGE.
GOT A CROWBAR AND GREASE?

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE $5
I'LL TAKE SOME HOPE.
SORRY. ALL OUT. CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME DREAD?
TIMES ARE TOUGH.

HEY, RAT. I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, CLOWNO
THE CONGRESSMAN.
THAT'S
HIS REAL
HEAD?
NO. IT'S A MASK. HE'S A REAL
CONGRESSMAN, BUT HE'S SO ASHAMED
OF NEVER GETTING ANYTHING DONE
THAT HE WEARS THE MASK TO HIDE
HIS IDENTITY.
CONVENIENT
WAY TO HIDE
THAT YOU
CAN'T DRAW
CARICATURES.
I HAVE
LIMITED
SKILLS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
IT'S MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A GIANT PUPPY EYE. IT'S FROM THAT STATE OF A PUPPY ON TOP OF BON WON BURGERS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THE COSTUME DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE?
AND IT POPPED OFF?
YEAH, SO I THOUGHT I'D USE IT FOR A COSTUME.
YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO JUST TAKE IT?
IT DREW ME IN. LIKE A GIANT 'LURE.'
LURE?
LURE. LURE. LURE. LURE. LURE. LURE.
I'M PUP EYE THE SAY 'LURE' MAN.
YOU'VE RUINED HALLOWEEN.

DID YOU HEAR THE EARTH'S ROTATION IS SLOWING DOWN?
THAT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIBLE.
WHY?
I'M TOO FAT.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST STAY OFF THE GROUND.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, NEIGHBOR BOB?
IN CHURCH. I GO EVERY FRIDAY.
YOU'RE SO INTO YOUR RELIGION. WHY IS THAT?
I JUST IDENTIFY SO CLOSELY WITH IT. IT GIVES ME COMFORT. IT BRINGS ME JOY. AND WHEN I'M DOWN, IT PICKS ME UP.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HOW I FEEL WHEN I WATCH "THE BREAKFAST CLUB".
WHY ARE YOU STANDING?
DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT STEPHAN!

BIG NEWS. LIKE THE GREAT LEBRON JAMES AND KEVIN DURANT, I, RAT, HAVE RECEIVED A LUCRATIVE SHOE DEAL FROM NIKE.
YOU'RE KIDDING. NIKE'S GONNA PAY YOU TO WEAR THEIR SHOES?
TO NOT WEAR THEM. AND TO STAY FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM ANY PAIR.
I'M GONNA START WEARING NIKE.
IT'S MORE LIKE A RESTRAINING ORDER.

IT LOOKS LIKE SOME STATES ARE MAKING IT WAY TOO EASY TO GET A MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD.
HOW SO?
BY BROADENING THE LIST OF MEDICAL CONDITIONS THAT QUALIFY.
WHAT KIND OF MEDICAL CONDITION DO YOU NEED?
I STUBBED MY TOE ON A PIZZA BOX.

I THINK A PERSON'S POLITICAL AFFILIATION IS BASED ON WHAT THEY FEAR. REPUBLICANS FEAR CHAOS. DEMOCRATS FEAR ORDER.
I FEAR STUPIDITY, SO I STAY HOME AND CRY.
THERE SHOULD BE A PARTY FOR THAT.
SAD PEOPLE DON'T HAVE PARTIES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, NEIGHBOR BOB?
MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO ADOPT. WHAT A PAIN. BACKGROUND CHECKS, LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATION, BLOOD TESTS, INTERVIEWS, HOME VISITS, HUGE FEES.
YOU HAVE KIDS. WHAT'D YOU DO?
GOT DRUNK AND HAD SEX.
I GIVE UP.
AND THEY SEEM LIKE GOOD KIDS... AT LEAST THE FEW TIMES I TALK TO THEM.

SIR, YOU SAY YOU WANT TO BUILD A GIANT WALL BETWEEN THE U.S. AND MEXICO?
YES, A BIG, PRETTY WALL.
BUT DON'T A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS COME BY AIR?
YES. SO I WILL BUILD A FLOATING WALL IN THE AIR TO BLOCK THEIR IMMIGRANT PLANES.
BUT DON'T SOME COME BY SEA?
YES. I WILL BUILD WALLS ALONG ALL OUR BEACHES.
BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE CLIMB OVER THE WALLS?
I WILL BUILD WALLS WITH WALLS ABOVE THE WALLS.
BUT WHAT IF THEY DIG UNDER?
I WILL BUILD WALLS UNDER THE WALLS!
BUT WHAT IF THEY...?
I WILL GO INTO MEXICO AND BUILD FOUR WALLS SO CLOSELY AROUND EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD THAT THEY CAN'T EVEN BEND OVER TO SNEEZE!!!
WHAT IF HE JUST BUILT A WALL AROUND HIM?
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
AND DON'T CALL ME RACIST. I EAT AT TACO BELL TWICE A WEEK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
ONE DAY I JUST DIE
POOF - AND AM
GONE FOREVER.
WHY IS
THAT HARD
TO BELIEVE?
BECAUSE GREATNESS
LIKE THIS
SHOULD BE HARDER
TO ELIMINATE.
AND YOUR
HUMILITY
WILL BE
MISSED.
MY DEATH
SHOULD BE MORE
LIKE KILLING
THE TERMINATOR.