Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, MR. PHONE COMPANY GUY. YOU LEFT THIS PHONEBOOK ON MY PORCH, BUT NO ONE USES THEM ANYMORE.
NOT TRUE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF COPS NEED TO BEAT SOMEONE THEY'RE INTERROGATING, THEY USE A PHONEBOOK BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LEAVE MARKS. SO IF YOU EVER BECOME A COP, THAT THING COULD BE PRETTY HELPFUL.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THE PHONE COMPANY ADAPTING.

I SAW A GIRL TODAY WEARING SWEATPANTS WITH THE WORD "PEACE" PRINTED ON THE BUTT.
SO?
SO IT GAVE ME AN IDEA.
MY BUTT PROPAGANDA TAKES A BACKSEAT TO NO ONE.

SIR IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS NOW BASED ON ONE ISSUE - THE INVASION OF GREENLAND?
YES. IT'S A TERRITORY OF THE DANES. AND THEY WON'T SEE IT COMING.
BUT WHY GREENLAND?
BECAUSE IT'S EIGHT TIMES THE SIZE OF GREAT BRITAIN, BUT ONLY HAS 57000 PEOPLE, WHICH IS NOT MUCH MORE THAN SARASOTA, FLORIDA.
I SEE. SO BY THAT LOGIC, WHY NOT JUST INVADE SARASOTA, FLORIDA?
WELL, NOW, THERE'S AN IDEA.
AND SADLY, HE'S STILL BETTER THAN THE OTHER TWO CANDIDATES.
SARASOTA, YOUR RETIREMENT COMMUNITIES ARE MINE!

DID YOU KNOW THAT BIG, GIANT GREENLAND IS A TERRITORY OF TINY, LITTLE DENMARK, AND THAT DENMARK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS DEFENSE?
SO?
SO LET'S INVADE GREENLAND!
IT'S HIS NEW CAMPAIGN ISSUE.
IT'S MOSTLY ICE.
GOOD NEWS. GLOBAL WARMING IS CHANGING THAT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
NOT GOOD, MARIE
THERE'S A GIANT SUMP PUMP THAT DRAINS THE WATER FOR OUR ENTIRE CITY, AND WHEN THE CITY INSPECTOR WENT DOWN TO LOOK AT IT, HE SAW THAT IT WAS ALL YELLOW WITH RUST AND HAD TO BE REPLACED.
HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOU?
THE HOUSE RAT AND I LIVE IN IS RIGHT ON TOP OF IT, SO THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR DOWN OUR HOUSE.
OH NO. WHAT ABOUT GOAT'S HOUSE AND ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR THOSE DOWN TOO.
SO YOU ALL LIVE ON TOP OF THIS SUMP THING?
YEP
WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUMP, MARIE.
RINGO WANTED TO BEAT YOU PERSONALLY.

BUENAS TARDES, SEÑORES. WHAT WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO ORDER?
NOTHING.
YOU JUST ATE THREE BOWLS OF CHIPS.
SÍ.
THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
WE’RE EXPLOITING A LOOPHOLE IN THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT PARADIGM.
MORE CHIPS, POR FAVOR.

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
PHONEBOOK. WE LEAVE THEM ON EVERYONE'S PORCH.
BUT NOT ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD USES THESE ANYMORE. THERE'S AN INTERNET NOW AND SMARTPHONES.
BIG NEWS.

WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, PIG?
I'M TAKING MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA TO GET PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES AND CHOCOLATE MILK AND SEE AN ANIMATED MOVIE.
PIG. YOU'RE AN ADULT. YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR DATE TO ADULT THINGS.
OH. OKAY. I'LL DO THAT.
DO WHAT?
TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND TO DRINK ADULT BEVERAGES AND SEE ADULT FILMS.
SOMEHOW I BLAME YOU.
HEY, PIGITA, INSTEAD OF THAT CARTOON, LET'S SEE AN ADULT FILM.

WHEN SOMEONE BECOMES PRESI-- DENT, DO THEY GET TO MAKE ANY LAW THEY WANT?
NO. CONGRESS MAKES THE LAWS. THE PRESIDENT CAN ONLY APPROVE OR REJECT THEM.
BUT CONGRESS DOESN'T PASS ANY LAWS ANYMORE.
RIGHT.
SO NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
RIGHT.
I'M CONFUSED.
WE ALL ARE.
THIS IS WHY I PROMISE TO BAN CONGRESS.

HELLO, MA'AM. I'M RAT AND I'D LIKE YOUR SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENT.
WHY SHOULD I SUPPORT A FILTHY, DISGUSTING, NO-GOOD THIEVING LITTLE RAT?
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE OTHER TWO CANDIDATES.
AND THEN SHE HUGGED ME AND DONATED A MILLION DOLLARS.

I JUST GAVE MONEY TO CHARITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD.
YOU MEAN DOWN THE ROAD. THERE'S NO CASH IN IT FOR ME?
NOPE. YOU DO IT JUST FOR THE JOY OF DOING IT.
SO IT'S LIKE I SET FIRE TO THE MONEY.
LET'S START OVER.

Fifty Shades of Green
"You is smell gud," say Larry.
"And you smoove curves. Me luv dem."
"You. Are. Mine," growl Larry.
"And me gonna run my mouf all over you body parts."
MUST YOU TALK SO MUCH EVERY TIME WE GET A BUCKET OF CHICKEN?
Wife no understand me.

I HATE THESE NEW MAGNET SCHOOLS.

THIS GUY LOOKS PRETTY IMPORTANT. THEY SAY HE'S A COLON SOMETHING.
A COLON SOMETHING?
HE'S A COLONEL.
WHOA. THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS TROUBLE SPELLING.

HEY, RAT... IT'S YOUR OL' NEIGHBOR BILL... HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE. IS THERE A REASON FOR THAT?
YOU'RE AN OLYMPIC NEIGHBOR.
WHAT'S THAT?
SOMEONE I ONLY NEED TO SEE ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
I LIKE OUR NEIGHBORS TO KNOW WHERE THEY STAND.

IT'S HUGE. WHAT IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW. SOMEONE JUST DROPPED IT ON OUR FRONT PORCH.
I OPENED IT... IT JUST HAS THOUSANDS OF NAMES.
IT'S CALLED A PHONEBOOK. AND THAT'S HOW WE USED TO FIND PEOPLE'S PHONE NUMBERS.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
WE'RE OLD NOW.

SIR, IF YOUR OPPONENTS SOLD USED CARS, WHICH ONE OF THEM WOULD YOU BE MOST LIKELY TO BUY A CAR FROM?
IS RIDING A BIKE AN OPTION?
NO.
MY CAR BUSINESS WOULD BE A YUGE SUCCESS. YUGE.
HEY, TINY HANDS, I'M TALKING HERE.

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
MR. RAT, WHAT DO YOU HOPE THAT PEOPLE WILL LEARN ABOUT YOU IN THE COURSE OF TONIGHT'S DEBATE?
THAT I CAN LIE AS WELL AS THESE TWO.
SO LYING IS NOW A VIRTUE.
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LYING?

Rat's Guide to People you can Do without
The guy whose every Facebook post is Sadder than the last.
The fat guy in the Aisle seat who unapologetically takes both arm rests.
The friend who peppers his language with Words he barely knows.
The aunt who forwards every health-related email on the internet.
The cartoonist who appears in more of his characters and his strip because he's too lazy to draw new ones.

NEIGHBOR BOB CAME BY AND GAVE US A GIFT.
I DON'T TRUST THAT GUY. ARE THERE ANY STRINGS ATTACHED?
NO.
ALRIGHT, THEN. WHAT IS IT?
A GUITAR.
IT'S HARD TO PLAY.

DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THE RETURN NETFLIX ENVELOPE IS ADDRESSED TO THE 'NEAREST NETFLIX SHIPPING FACILITY'?
YEAH. SO?
SO COULD I ADDRESS A LETTER TO THE 'NEAREST HOT WOMAN'?
NO.
'DEAR HOT WOMAN... YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW I FOUND YOU...'

CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP CHOMP
CHOMP
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, SYNCHRONIZED EATING WILL NEVER BE AN OLYMPIC EVENT.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
I LOVE THE PRACTICE.

HEY, PIGITA. I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD HAVE ONE OF OUR ROMANTIC NIGHTS.
WELL, PIG, I HAVE SOME LINGERI --
LINGERIE?
LINGERING DOUBTS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
LANGUAGE IS CRUEL.

WHAT'S ON YOUR SWEATER,PIG?
A MEANDERING BODY OF WATER. IT GOES RIGHT OVER THE SEAMS.
WHO MADE IT?
A SEAMSTRESS I KNOW. SHE USED A STEAM-POWERED SEWING MACHINE. BUT WHEN I PICKED IT UP, SHE LOOKED WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE STEAMED-SEAMED STREAM SEAMSTRESS SEEMED STRESSED.
HAVE YOU NOTHING BETTER TO DO?

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I RECORDED ALL OF THE OLYMPICS AND I'M GONNA WATCH THIS ONE EVENT BECAUSE IT LOOKS THE MOST INTERESTING.
WHICH ONE IS IT
THIS ONE WHERE THEY GIVE MEDALS FOR SHOWERING A LOT AND BEING RUDE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY MEAN BY "THE CLEAN AND JERK."
"THE BREAST STROKE"?? HAVE THEY LOST ALL SENSE OF DECENCY :)