Pearls Before Swine | Search

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.

GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET EDDIE. HE'S A WRITER, BUT NOBODY EVER READS WHAT HE WRITES.
WELL, THAT'S A PESSIMISTIC ASSESSMENT. I'M SURE YOU HAVE AT LEAST A FEW READERS. WHAT DO YOU WRITE?
THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS IN YOUR APPLE SOFTWARE AGREEMENT.
OH.
PLEASE STOP JUST CLICKING 'AGREE'.

WE, THE JURY, FIND THE DEFENDANT INNOCENT.
JURY OF MY PEARS.
KEEP TRYING.
WHY? HE'S BETTER THAN YOU ALREADY.

CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHY SHOULD WE VOTE FOR YOU?
WELL, I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU NEED SOMEONE FIGHTING FOR YOU BUT WE BOTH KNOW I'M BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY MY BIGGEST DONORS.
AND I'D SAY TO PASS LAWS, BUT I NEED CONGRESS FOR THAT, AND THOSE SAME DONORS CONTROL THEM.
AND I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT, BUT FRANKLY, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO OKAYED THIS WHOLE MONEY THING IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HERE'S A PITCHFORK AND TORCH. DO WHAT YOU CAN.
AT LEAST WE HAVE OPTIONS.

WHAT'S PIG DOING?
HE GOT A JOB AS A QUEENS GUARD. HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE A MUSCLE.
click click click
THERE GOES THAT JOB.
MIND HOLDING MY GUN WHILE I GO POTTY?

WHO'S YOUR SUPERHERO FRIEND?
'HOLD.'
HE'S GOT A SUPER GRIP?
HE CAN WAIT ON HOLD 'TIL HIS HEALTH INSURER ANSWERS.
THAT IS A SUPERPOWER.
I'LL OUTWAIT THEE, EVIL FOE!
CALL MINE NEXT.

STEPHAN DOES A BOOK SIGNING
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THE BOOK SIGNING TONIGHT. MY EX-WIFE STACI IS ACTUALLY HERE IN THE FIRST ROW AND I’M THINKING MAYBE SHE’D LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED.
I’M THINKING NOT.
LOOK… SHE’S TELLING YOU YOU’RE NUMBER ONE.

I'M GONNA SEE A THERAPIST TODAY. I THINK I MAY HAVE ADHD, ADD, OR OCD.
OH, YEAH. I HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
WHICH ONE ?
ACDC. I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO 'BACK IN BLACK'.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A RECOGNIZED CONDITION.
OH, GREAT. NOW I FEEL LIKE WORSHIPING SATAN.

WANT TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH ME?
WHAT IS IT?
YOU DRINK A BEER EVERY TIME A CNN POLITICAL ANALYST BEGINS THEIR ANSWER WITH THE WORD ‘LOOK’
OKAY. I’LL PLAY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
CURSE YOO, DAVID GERGEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CHECK MY STOOL.
GET HELP.

AFTER A LOT OF THOUGHT, I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT SOMETHING.
THAT THE POINT OF LIFE IS LEARNING THAT THERE IS NO “I”.
THAT WE ARE ALL PART OF ONE WHOLE.
THUS, THE GOLDEN RULE – ‘DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU’. BECAUSE TO HARM OTHERS IS TO HARM YOURSELF.
AND THAT’S THE GOAL. TO HAVE THAT UNDERSTANDING. THAT THERE IS NO “I”. THAT WE, ALL OF US, ARE ONE.
YOU ATE TWO OF MY PEANUTS.
I THINK YOU’RE MISSING MY POINT.
I’M MISSING YOUR @#%*%#@ PEANUTS.

HEY, PIG... I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, BUT PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING.
ASKING WHAT?
IF I COULD TAKE YOUR FENCE OR ANYONE ELSE'S.
LET'S START OVER.
LET'S. BECAUSE SO FAR, IT'S BEEN VERY OFFENSIVE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M ON HOLD WITH AN AIRLINE AND A RECORDED VOICE IS APOLOGIZING FOR THE INCONVENIENCE AND TELLING ME THEY APPRECIATE MY BUSINESS.
WHICH IS NICE TO HEAR BUT BECOMES... SHEER MOCKERY WHEN YOU'VE HEARD IT THIRTY-ONE TIMES IN A ROW!!!
MAYBE THEY REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.
THEY SHOULD JUST SAY: YOU'RE SCREWED AND IT AMUSES US.

NONE OF MY TWEETS ARE GOING OUT TODAY.
YEAH. RAT WENT HUNTING.
SO?
HE SHOT THE TWITTER BIRD.
HE WAS MUCH TOO CHATTY.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE AT OUR DOOR WHO'D LIKE TO RENT OUR SPARE BEDROOM.
WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?
EAGER. PLUS, THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME TASTE IN CLOTHES AND SEEM LIKE A CLOSE-KNIT GROUP.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
GREAT. GOT ANY SPARE GUNS?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE GUN FROM A TANK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH IT?
I'M INSTALLING IT ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR.
SLOW DRIVERS BOTHER ME.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
SAY GOODBYE TO THE PRIUS.

HOW YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR NANCY?

JUST GOT BACK FROM A LONG TRIP. NOW I'M CARRYING A FEW EXTRA POUNDS.

YOU DON'T LOOK VERY FAT.

BRITISH POUNDS. I FORGOT TO EXCHANGE THEM.

THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

LISTEN, KIM, IT HAS BEEN NICE MEETING YOU ON TINDER, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DATE YOU. FOR ONE THING, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY LOVERS YOU HAD BEFORE ME.
FIFTEEN!
SERIOUSLY? IS THAT THE REAL NUMBER?
THIRTY!
THIRTY? THAT'S RIDICULOUS! WERE THEY JUST ONE-NIGHT FLINGS OR DID YOU ACTUALLY LOVE ANY OF THEM?
LOVE!
YEAH, RIGHT... YOU MUST THINK I'M SOME KIND OF IDIOT. SOME RUBE YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF.
ADVANTAGE!
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, STOP SHOUTING. YOU JUST SHOOK THE WHOLE COUNTER... UNLESS THAT WAS AN EARTHQUAKE... WE DO LIVE ON A --
FAULT!
YOU'RE A --
TENNIS UMPIRE.
HEY, CAN I BORROW A --
MATCH!

PIG, THIS IS SENATOR BON WOW.
HE REPRESENTS US IN CONGRESS AND HE'S AGREED TO VOTE YES ON AN ENVIRONMENTAL BILL THAT WILL CLEAN UP OUR CITY.
YES
DOGGIE TREATS FOR A 'NO'.
NO
HIS ETHICS ARE QUESTIONABLE.

WHAT'S THAT RECORD YOU HAVE THERE?
OH, THAT OLD '70s SONG "FEELINGS." I'M TAKING IT TO THIS GIRL I'M FRIENDS WITH.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
TO MEET THIS GIRL. I HAVE "FEELINGS" FOR HER.
SHE MUST NOT LIKE '70s MUSIC.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, DAD?
Is special helmet designed to bash down zeeba door. He gonna be so interemidated, he problee juss open door.
SUPPUS HAIR DRYER FROM THE BEAUTY SHOP?
AT LEAST HE'LL LOOK PRETTY.

IT'S SO DEPRESSING TO LOOK AROUND AND SEE HOW DUMB MOST PEOPLE ARE.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT IF YOU'RE EVER ACCUSED OF A CRIME, IT WILL BE TWELVE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IN PRISON.
READ BOOKS.

CHECK OUT MY EAR GAUGES. I GRADUALLY STRETCHED OUT MY EAR LOBES UNTIL THEY COULD FIT THESE HUGE HOOPS THAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN INDIVIDUALISTIC REBEL.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO THAT.
MINE COME WITH DOLPHINS.

CAN I GET A LARGE COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM FOR CREAM?
I HARDLY THINK THAT CUP COULD HOLD ERIC CLAPTON, JACK BRUCE AND GINGER BAKER.
DOES IT HURT YOU WHEN THEY CRINGE AND WALK AWAY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY TRAIN SET.
I THINK THE GUY ON THE TRAIN PLATFORM FELL OVER.
YEAH. HE TRIPPED ON A SMALL CRACK.
UH-OH... HERE COMES LARRY LAWYER. HE'S GONNA SUE THE TRAIN COMPANY, THE STATION OWNER, AND THE CITY.
LARRY WINS!! THE TRAIN COMPANY GOES OUT OF BUSINESS! THE STATION SHUTS DOWN!
THE CITY GOES BANKRUPT! ALL THE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS!
LARRY WENT TO LAW SCHOOL TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT?
GREAT. HE GOT ALL THE MONEY.