Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON DRUG ADDICTION IN THE 1970S. IT WAS SO WIDESPREAD.
WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY ADDICTION?
WELL, THE DRUG BECOMES THE FOCUS OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN'T STOP. AND YOU SLOWLY WITHDRAW FROM THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO YOU.
WHOA. THAT'S NUTS. I CAN'T SEE THAT HAPPENING TO OUR GENERATION.
YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENING?
NOTHING.
UH HUH. RIGHT.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT'S THAT STREET THAT THE RUSSIAN RIVER BREWERY IS ON?
OH, YEAH. I GO THERE EVERY DAY. IT'S ON...
GOSH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I CAN'T THINK OF IT. GUESS I'M HAVING A BIT OF A MENTAL BLOCK.
YOURS ARE MORE LIKE MENTAL BLOCKADES, WITH GIANT BATTLESHIPS FIRING THEIR GUNS AND PREVENTING ANY WORDS FROM ENTERING YOUR TINY BRAIN HARBOR.
I DON'T NEED YOUR METAPHORS.
OH, NO. YOUR WORD BOAT IS SINKING. MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS ON TIME FOR EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE WHENEVER I AGREE TO MEET SOMEONE, I ALWAYS SHOW UP 15 MINUTES EARLY.
HOW MANY TIMES A DAY WOULD YOU SAY YOU MEET SOMEONE?
MAYBE THREE TIMES.
OVER A LIFETIME, THAT'S 20805 HOURS YOU COULD HAVE SPENT DRINKING BEER.
I DON'T DRINK BEER.
YOU SHOULD REALLY START.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE FAT ON MY BELLY IS A LOT LIKE THE MOB.
HOW SO?
I CAN TRY TO LOSE IT, BUT IT ALWAYS FINDS ME AGAIN.
FAT IS RUTHLESS THAT WAY.
MAYBE I'LL TRICK IT BY JOINING A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

I WAS WATCHING T.V. AND SOME TELEVANGELIST SAID 'GIVE NOT THAT WHICH IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS, NEITHER CAST YE YOUR PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.'
YEAH, IT'S FROM THE BIBLE.
SO SOMEONE INFRINGED OUR COPYRIGHT?
I'M PRETTY SURE THE BIBLE CAME FIRST.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE MY LAWYER WASN'T SURE WHO TO SUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING DOWN MY HOPES AND DREAMS. MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT IF I WRITE THEM DOWN, THEY'RE MORE LIKELY TO HAPPEN.
LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Eat more cheese.
I'M NOT AS AMBITIOUS AS I COULD BE.

DUDE, WHAT'S THAT
THING?
IT'S A BASKETBALL. WANT
TO PLAY?
THAT THING'S LIKE TEN
TIMES AS LARGE AS A
BASKETBALL.
YEAH, BUT I HAD TO DRAW
THIS STRIP ON THE ROAD IN
A HOTEL ROOM AND I DIDN'T
HAVE MY STENCIL, SO THE
BEST I COULD DO WAS DRAW
A CIRCLE AROUND A COFFEE
CUP.
THIS STRIP IS
A SHAMEFUL
DISASTER.
OH, LOOK, THE SUN IS
BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

HEY, GOAT, I HEAR YOU'RE GOING TO NICE, FRANCE TO SEE YOUR SISTER'S DAUGH-TER. I HEAR IT'S NECEE.
IT'S PRO-NOUNCED 'NEECE.'
OH, SORRY. I HEAR IT'S NEECE.
YOU MEAN NICE.
YES. NICE IS NEECE.
'NEECE' IS NICE.
OHHHH, I GET IT.
YOU DO?
YES, YOUR NIECE IN NICE IS NEECE.
ARGGGHHH YOU STUPID @*&%!!!
THAT WASN'T NEECE.

I'M BORED. I NEED TO START USING ALL THIS POWER.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND, SIR? JOBS? CLIMATE CHANGE?
RUNNING AROUND HITTING PEOPLE WITH A STICK.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S WISE, SIR.
DON'T TELL ME I BECAME PRESIDENT FOR NOTHING.

I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN PEOPLES LIVES.
THAT'S GREAT. I THINK THE MEASURE OF ONE'S LIFE IS THE POSITIVE DIFFERENCE ONE MAKES.
WHO SAID IT'D BE POSITIVE?
NEVER MIND.
A DIFFERENCE IS A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, PIG... RAT SAYS YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR THREE DAYS TO AVOID EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. THAT'S NOT RIGHT... WHAT DO YOU THINK A BED IS FOR?
B.E.D.
Because Everything's Dreadful
HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS.

AH, WHAT A GLORIOUS MORNING... I'LL JUST CHECK MY TWITTER FEED AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
THE WORLD IS A TERRIBLE PLACE TO START YOUR DAY.

HEY, RAT, SAY SOME- THING RUDE TO MY ARAB PAL HERE AND SEE HOW I REACT.
HE'S FAT AND STUPID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TURNING THE OTHER SHEIKH.
MAY A CAMEL STOMP ON YOUR FAMILY JEWELS.

DUDE, IT'S NOON... WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED?
BECAUSE NOTHING THAT WILL HAPPEN TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN THE WARMTH AND COMFORT THAT I HAVE HERE.
YOU MAY HAVE SOLVED LIFE.

OH GOD...HEEEELP!!
I'LL SAVE YOU!
OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
OK... NOW GRAB MY ARM!
OK...BUT DON'T LET GO!
I PROMISE. I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO. JUST TRUST ME.
PARDON ME, BUT I HAVE A BRIEFCASE OF MONEY TO GIVE YOU. BUT TO GET IT, YOU'LL NEED TO COME OVER HERE.
AAAHHH!!
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF CONGRESSMAN SEARCH & RESCUE
I'LL SAVE YOU! (IF IT SUITS MY INTEREST.)
WORST COMIC BOOK EVER.
HEY... HE CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE.
HE RESCUED THAT POOR MONEY!

HOW TO NOT BE AFFECTED BY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU


LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!

MOST SELF-HELP BOOKS ARE A LITTLE MORE MATURE.

LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I SAW THE MOST INSPIRING iPHONE VIDEO OF SOMEBODY SAVING A GUY FROM A BURNING CAR.
I SAW THAT TOO. THERE WERE LIKE SIX DIFFERENT ANGLES OF IT.
YEAH, BECAUSE SIX DIFFERENT PEOPLE STOOD THERE FILMING INSTEAD OF HELPING.
SO THAT'S HOW THAT HAPPENS.
GETTING 'LIKES' IS VERY IMPORTANT.

PARDON ME, JEF THE CYCLIST, BUT I'M TRYING TO DRIVE MY CAR AND YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.
TOUGH TURDS, PIG. THIS IS A CITY-DESIGNATED BIKE BOULEVARD NOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S A STREET WHERE CYCLISTS ARE GIVEN PRIORITY OVER CARS.
BUT YOU'RE HAVING A PICNIC.
AND THEN THEY MADE ME CUT UP THEIR APPLES.

DID YOU HEAR RAT IS NOW "EASILY OFFENDED GUY"?
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE, PIG. DO YOU WANT IT BLACK?
NO.
THINLY VEILED RACISM.
NOW YOU KNOW.
YOU WILL NOW BE UNEMPLOYABLE FOR LIFE!
WAIT. I ALREADY AM.

WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP?
I AM NOW 'EASILY OFFENDED GUY.'
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
SAY SOMETHING.
AN APPLE IS RED.
RACIST CODE FOR NATIVE AMERICANS!
OH, THIS WILL BE FUN.
UN-OFFEND ME OR BE CONDEMNED.

HEY, GOAT, DOES THAT HANDY FRIEND OF YOURS KNOW HOW TO BUILD WINDOW SHUTTERS? PEOPLE CAN SEE RIGHT INTO MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA'S SHOWER.
YEP. THAT'S RIGHT WITHIN HIS PURVIEW.
CRACK
I DIDN'T SAY 'PERV VIEW.'
OH, YES YOU DID.

Hi. Me looking for small
aneemal. You look gud.
Jump een mout.
OH. GEE NO,
THANKS... I
DON'T WANT
TO DIE.
DANG!
DANG!
DANG!
DON'T BE FRUSTRATED.
I'M SURE YOU CAN
HUNT SOMETHING.
No.
Me got
book.
WELL. MAYBE YOU CAN
JUST GO BUY A BURGER.
THAT'S A DEAD ANIMAL.
Oh. Gud
idea. But
me got no
monies.
HERE YOU GO... DON'T
BE DOWN. I'M SURE
YOU'RE QUITE FIERCE.
Yeah.
GRRRR
WORST NATURE
DOCUMENTARY
EVER.
I TOLD HIM TO
AVOID THAT
CAMERA CREW.

IF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE WERE WRITTEN TODAY.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.
Just sayin'.
IT REALLY IS A STUPID EXPRESSION.
LIKE YOUR PUNS.
JUST SAYIN'.

WELL, I'M OFF TO TAKE A COUPLE TESTS FOR A JOB I WANT TO GET.
HANG ON PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET ED. WE'RE BESTIES.
BESTIES?
YEAH. I'M HIS BEST FRIEND, AND HE'S MINE. AND TOGETHER, TWO BESTS MAKE BESTIES. SO WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO?
TAKE A COUPLE OF... TESTIES.
OKAY, WHO STARTED THIS?
NOT ME.
I CAN'T MENTION MY TWO TESTIES?

WELL, RAT, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS. I'VE LOOKED AT YOUR ULTRASOUND AND YOUR CT SCAN AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE KIDNEY STONES.
WRONG. FAKE NEWS. YOU FAIL. SAD!
HAS THE WORLD CHANGED OR IS IT ME?