Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW ARE WE TODAY, SIR?
SAD. THE PRESS IS STILL SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME.
WELL, THAT'S THEIR FIRST AMENDMENT PRIVILEGE. IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I HAD THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BRING ME THE ACTUAL DOCUMENT.
AND I CROSSED THAT PART OUT.
OH, LORD.
NOW IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A BIG FOUNDING FATHER BOO-BOO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RAT?
I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S WITH THE PASTA?
PENNE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.
YOU DID NOT IMPROVE HIS MOOD.

RAT SENT US A POSTCARD FROM HIS HAWAIIAN VACATION.
OH, MAN...I WISH I COULD HAVE GONE THERE...
WHAT'S IT SAY?
ME
YOU
VACATIONING FRIENDS ARE THE WORST.

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE TOLD A JOKE AND I'M JUST SAYING 'HA.'
'HA' ISN'T A LAUGH. IT'S A RETORT.
WHAT ABOUT 'HAHA'?
SARCASTIC LAUGH.
'HAHAHA!'
MILDY AMUSED.
'HAHAHAHA!'
ACTUAL LAUGH.
HAHAHAHA
YOU JUST SENT A TEXT WITH FIVE OR MORE HA'S.
SO?
SO NOW YOU LOOK DRUNK.
MAYBE I'LL JUST THROW MY PHONE IN A RIVER.
Excuse me. But are you drunk?

HEY, GOAT, YOU DATING ANYONE?
YEAH. THIS GIRL I MET. PARALEGAL.
HE'S DATING SOMEONE WHO'S BARELY LEGAL.
PARALEGAL!

ONCE WHEN I WAS A KID, MY DAD MADE ME GET HIM ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE OF "HAPPY DAYS" AND I MISSED FONZIE SAVING PINKY TUSCADARO IN THE DEMOLITION DERBY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST BACK UP THE D.V.R.?
DIDN'T EXIST.
D.V.D.? NOPE. IPHONE?...NOPE. NETFLIX?...NOPE. INTERNET?,,..NOPE. V.C.R.?...NOPE.
GOOD GOD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
I'M NOT THAT OLD!
ARE YOU ONE OF THE LAST SURVIVORS FROM THAT ERA?

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS, I'M AFRAID TODAYS FLIGHT IS OVERSOLD.
THE GOOD NEWS, THOUGH, IS THAT WE'RE FLYING TO TOKYO, WHERE THEY SOMETIMES USE LONG STICKS TO CRAM HUMANS INTO SUBWAY CARS.
AND, WELL, I'M SURE YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
LET'S NOT TELL THE FAA ABOUT THIS.
OOF
OH, GOD.
SEE, YOU ALL FIT NOW.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I WAS TRYING TO REACH YOU ALL DAY.
SORRY. MY PHONE DIED.
BOOHOOHOO
HIS POOR FAMILY.

RAT THE AIRLINE GATE AGENT
FOLKS. I'M GETTING A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BAGGAGE POLICY, IN-FLIGHT MEALS, AND WIFI. SO I'M GONNA TRY TO ANSWER EVERYBODY'S QUESTIONS AT ONCE.
IN EACH OF THESE SITUATIONS, THERE IS ONE OPTION THAT MAKES YOUR FLIGHT MORE PLEASANT.
WE WILL NEVER CHOOSE THAT OPTION.
IT'S NICE TO GIVE THE CATTLE SOME CLARITY.

WHAT ARE YOU MAKING, PIG?
I'M DESIGNING MY OWN LABELS FOR THIS SODA POP. THIS ONE'S CALLED 'ASTRO POP' BECAUSE IT HAS THE MOON AND THE STARS AND THE PLANETS.
IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A LITTLE MORE EYE-CATCHING IF ALL THE OBJECTS WERE A BIT MORE SHINY.
OH. OKAY.
AND WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M JUST MAKING THE MOON SHINE.
HE MUST REALLY HATE SODA POP.

HEY, CIVIL GUARD DUCK. SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT A MILITARY BASE?
I GOT BORED SO I FLED. NOW I'M ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.
YOU'RE AWOL?
YEP. BUT I'M HANDY, SO I THOUGHT I'D BUILD A NICE BUNKER THAT THE ARMY CAN LATER USE. THAT WAY, IF THEY CATCH ME, THEY MIGHT GO EASY ON ME.
BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY FOR THAT?
MY FRIEND MACK HERE IS GONNA HELP.
WELL NOT ME, EXACTLY. BUT MY SICKO FRIEND. HE'S GOT A LOT OF CASH.
I GUESS AWOL AND MACK'S SICKO IS GONNA PAY FOR IT.
WHAT'S GUARD DUCK DOING?
I CAN'T GET OUT.
I KNOW.

AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY CAT. AND HERE'S ANOTHER. AND LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS IN THIS ONE. DO YOU HAVE ANY ANIMALS?
YEAH. JUST A PEEVE.
A PEEVE?
A PET PEEVE. ABOUT PEOPLE SHOWING ME ALL THEIR CAT PHOTOS.
CAT LOVERS CAN BE VERY SENSITIVE.

ELFIE SHELFIE SELFIE.
PLEASE FIND OTHER EMPLOYMENT.

FOLKS, WE HAVE AN OVERSOLD FLIGHT TODAY, SO WE'RE GONNA START ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR SEATS.
AS WE HAVE NO VOLUNTEERS, I WILL NOW RESORT TO A TECHNIQUE I CALL THE 'UNFRIENDLY SKIES.'
HE ENJOYS THIS JOB TOO MUCH.
FEEL LIKE VOLUNTEERING NOW?

LOOK HOW MUCH THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER. IT’S UNCANNY.
I’M SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
HA HA. OF COURSE.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
I PREFER BEER IN BOTTLES BECAUSE IT TASTES UNCANNY.
UH. NO.
YOU PREFER BEER IN CANS?

HI, FOLKS, WE'RE GONNA START THE BOARDING PROCESS WITH FIRST CLASS. WELCOME ABOARD!
NEXT WILL BE OUR GOLD PREMIERE MEMBERS AND BUSINESS PLATINUM SELECT. WELCOME ABOARD!
OKAY, NOW THE REST OF YOU SCUM.
TECHNICALLY, THEY'RE STILL PEOPLE.
MOOOOO, CATTLE, MOOOOOO.

RATS AT A JOB PLACEMENT AGENCY TODAY... THEY’RE TRYING TO PLACE HIM SOMEWHERE THAT’S SUITED TO HIS SKILL SET.
WHAT DID HE TELL THEM HIS WAS?
BEING HOSTILE AND RUDE AND TREATING PEOPLE HOWEVER HE WANTS. PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY’RE HELPLESS AND TRAPPED.
BUT WHAT INDUSTRY WOULD WANT THAT?
WELCOME TO OUR AIRLINE.
SO IF WE’RE OVERSOLD, CAN I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE?

HAMMY HAMSTER SAVED UP ALL HER MONEY TO TAKE HER KIDS TO EUROPE.
YAY!
WE'LL SEE ALL THE GREAT CITIES.
YAY!
WE'LL VISIT ALL THE MUSEUMS.
YAY!
WE'LL SAMPLE ALL THE CUISINE.
YAY!
BECAUSE THIS WILL BE AN ADVENTURE!
YAY!!!
I'M BORED!
DOES THIS PLACE HAVE WIFI?
CAN WE EAT AT MCDONALD'S?
AND THAT'S WHY HAMSTERS EAT THEIR YOUNG.
THAT SEEMS FAIR.
BUT DID THEY HAVE WIFI?

Woomun, me tink me want renew wedding vows.
Really, Larry? That's so romantic. Why?
Becuss me tink me got bad deal da first time.
Woomun tuff negoshiator.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND... HE'S AN EMBEDDED REPORTER.
OH, WOW. THOSE GUYS GO TO IRAQ AND SYRIA. HARD TO FIND A PERSON WITH MORE GUTS THAN SOMEONE WHO'S EMBEDDED.
HEY. WANT TO BE INTERVIEWED?
NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.
WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME MORE CHEESE PUFFS?

RAT THE PRESIDENT
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT I FIRED MY LAST ADVISOR BECAUSE HE MADE A DUMB "FAKE NOOSE" PUN.
YESSIR. I WON'T MAKE A JOKE ABOUT A NOOSE OR ANYTHING ELSE.
THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK.
SO NO NOOSE IS GOOD NOOSE?
I RAN HIM OVER WITH AIR FORCE ONE.

THE PRESS IS ANNOYING ME. LET'S TAR AND FEATHER THEM.
CAN'T DO THAT, SIR.
WHY NOT?
IT WOULD SET A BAD PRESIDENT.
LET THAT BE A LESSON.

LOOK AT THAT PERFECT SLICE OF PIZZA. I'M GONNA GET MY PHONE AND TAKE A PHOTO OF IT TO SHARE ON INSTAGRAM.
SPLOINK
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
WE OLD SCHOOLERS JUST EAT THE FOOD.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
I DON'T LIKE THIS DON LEMON FELLOW ON CNN. I THINK WE NEED TO BAN HIM.
SIR, WE CAN'T BAN JOURNALISTS.
FINE. LET'S DEPORT HIM.
WE CAN'T, SIR. HE'S A CITIZEN.
THEN LET'S ALL LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND LEAVE HIM HERE BY HIMSELF.
OH, LORD.
EXECUTIVE ORDER! EVERYONE OUT!

SON...HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
GOOD MA...I'M SO EXCITED. I'M THINKING OF TRAVELING TO TURKEY.
OH, NO...THAT SCARES ME.
WELL, I MAY JUST GO TO EUROPE INSTEAD.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
WELL, I MAY STAY CLOSER TO HOME AND SEE MEXICO.
OH, GOODNESS. THEY'RE GOING NUTS DOWN THERE.
WELL, I MAY JUST DRIVE AROUND THE U.S.
WITH ALL THE CRAZIES ON THE ROAD?
WELL, I MAY JUST SIT IN MY LOCKED HOUSE WEARING A HELMET AND ELBOW PADS.
AND LEAVE YOUR KNEES UNPROTECTED?
MOMS SHOULD BE ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS.
I VOTE WE HURT HIM INTO PASTIS, MS. PASTIS.