Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW COME EVERY TIME I FALL ASLEEP WHILE SITTING IN A CHAIR, MY HEAD FALLS FORWARD AND WAKES ME UP?
SLEEP GNOMES. THEY PUSH IT FORWARD JUST FOR THE JOY OF WATCHING IT SNAP BACK.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT GRAVITY.
AND RUIN THE FUN?
THIS WILL BE MY GNOME-DOME. IT WLL KEEP OUT THE GNOMES.

WHAT'S THE IDITAROD?
IT'S THIS EVENT WHERE THEY RACE TEAMS OF SLED DOGS.
SO COULD I RACE TEAMS OF DUMB PEOPLE AND CALL IT THE IDIOTAROD?
NO.
OH. WELL, DON'T TELL THEM THAT.

I JUST HELPED A GUY MOVE HIS T.V.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. TO WHERE?
MY HOUSE. I STOLE IT.
WHY IS THAT WONDERFUL?

Whew, am I tired... Been training for a triathlon. It's my sixth triathlon. I really enjoy triathlons.
Listen, Tommy the Triathlete... No one cares about your triathlons. Because we all recognize that what you're really saying is that you're better than us. So just say it.
I'M BETTER THAN YOU.
Feel better?
YOUR WHOLE, UNDISCIPLINED EXISTENCE IS WITHOUT VALUE!

PRESIDENT RAT IS ON T.V. LAYING OUT HIS PLAN FOR MASS DEPORTATION.
SO HE'S REALLY GONNA DEPORT ALL THE UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHO HE'S GOING AFTER.
MEN WITH MAN BUNS, OUT!

MR. PRESIDENT, NOW THAT YOU'RE IN OFFICE, THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO SET FORTH YOUR POLICY PRIORITIES.
RIGHT. I'VE PUT THEM ALL IN HERE.
BUT THIS IS JUST FILLED WITH PEOPLE'S NAMES.
RIGHT. THEY'RE MY ENEMIES. CRUSHING THEM WILL BE MY PRIORITY.
I HOPED FOR SO MUCH MORE.
OH, WE CAN ADD TO IT AS WE GO.

WHAT'S WITH THE VARIOUS PARTS OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?
IT'S GOATS. HE'S MOVING, SO HE ASKED ME TO DISASSEMBLE IT AND HELP HIM MOVE BOTH THIS AND HIS PET FISH, OLIVER.
HI, PIG...THANKS A TON FOR HELPING...DID YOU GET OLIVER?
SURE DID.
WHERE IS IT?
RIGHT HERE IN THIS BOX.
YOU PUT OLIVER IN THIS BOX?
WHERE ELSE WOULD I PUT IT?
NO WATER?
IT NEEDS WATER!
OF COURSE IT NEEDS WATER!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! I JUST SEPARATED IT INTO LITTLE PIECES AND THREW THEM IN THERE.
OLIVER'S IN PIECES?!
NEVER HELP A FRIEND MOVE.
NOOOOO

CAN YOU BELIEVE RAT IS OUR PRESIDENT?
NO. AND I'M SCARED TO DEATH.
ALL I CAN HOPE IS THAT IN HIS INAUGURATION SPEECH, HE TRIES TO REASSURE THOSE OF US WHO FEAR FOR THE FATE OF OUR DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTIONS.
DO WE REALLY WANT TO GO FOR THE JULIUS CAESAR LOOK?
WOULD A SPEAR BE OVERKILL?

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT AND THAT TODAY HE GETS SWORN IN.
I KNOW. I'M SO WORRIED.
YOU SHOULD BE. HE'S JUST NOT FIT TO HOLD SUCH A HALLOWED OFFICE.
YOU REALLY THINK IT'S THAT BAD?
PLEASE RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
WHEN I'M DONE WITH THIS BREWSKI.

I'M STARTING TO REALIZE THAT IN
LIFE, IT'S NOT ABOUT MAKING YOUR-
SELF HAPPY... IT'S ABOUT MAKING
OTHERS HAPPY. THAT IS THE TRUE
ROAD TO JOY AND CONTENTMENT.
HEY! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAD HIM COMMITTED.

PSST
PSST
PSST
WHO IS THAT?
JUST A GUY HIDING IN THE SEWER... HEY, LISTEN. DO YOU KNOW WHO WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
YEAH, IT WAS—
OH GOD, DON'T TELL ME. I'LL JUST STAY DOWN HERE WHERE I FEEL SAFE.
THIS IS A VERY DIVIDED COUNTRY.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
BUILDING MY "HOPE FOR THE FUTURE" BOOTH, A WELCOMING SPACE FOR PEOPLE TO GATHER AND HAVE HOPE FOR WHAT THE FUTURE BRINGS.
GREAT. WHY AREN'T YOU THERE NOW?
IT BURNED DOWN.
I'M TRYING NOT TO READ TOO MUCH INTO IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPINESS IS?
HAPPINESS IS THAT SHORT LITTLE MOMENT OF JOY RIGHT BEFORE YOU THINK DISASTER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
THAT'S VERY FLEETING.
IT'S REALLY JUST A PLOT TO GET YOUR GUARD DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TAKING A STAND. I JUST CAN'T LET THE WHOLE WORLD BE RUINED ANYMORE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WE ALL NEED TO START GETTING INVOLVED.
IN FACT, I THINK THE REASON WE HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS TODAY IS THAT PEOPLE JUST DON'T PARTICIPATE IN THE SYSTEM ANYMORE. THEY LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE THE SIGNS AND GO TO THE RALLIES AND NEVER MAKE THEIR OWN VOICES HEARD.
AND WHAT BETTER ISSUE TO TAKE A STAND ON THAN THE ENVIRONMENT?
THE ENVIRONMENT?
SAVE OUR PLANET STOP GLOBAL WHINING
I TAKE IT BACK.
I'M SAVING OUR WORLD!
GOATS A GLOBAL WHINING DENIER.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A USED CLOCK I JUST BOUGHT.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
THE MAN'S HEAD INDICATES THE HOUR. HIS RIGHT HAND INDICATES THE MINUTE. AND HIS OTHER HAND INDICATES THE SECONDS, BUT IT BROKE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A SECONDHAND SECOND HAND SECOND HAND?
SURELY YOU CAN RETURN TO YOUR LAW CAREER.

I HEARD YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM YOUR TRIP OVERSEAS. HOW ARE THINGS?
TERRIBLE. I GOT REALLY SICK AND HAD TO GO TO A HOSPITAL WHERE THEY MADE ME WAIT EIGHT HOURS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
THAT'S ONE OF THE RISKS OF TRAVELING IN POOR OVERSEAS COUNTRIES. YOU NEVER KNOW THE STATE OF THEIR EMERGENCY FACILITIES.
THAT HAPPENED HERE.
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO GET SICK HERE.
I'M AVOIDING IT FROM NOW ON.

Dear Beloved Friend,
I know this message will come to you as surprised. I am prince in Nigeria. There are great sums in U.S. America bank. I am here seeking avenue transfer funds to you.
WHY DO SCAMMERS STILL BOTHER TO SEND THESE POORLY WORDED, OBVIOUSLY FRAUDULENT EMAILS?
MUST BE GUYS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW STUPID THEY SOUND.
Why no one answer?

Bummer, bro!
Yo. $#&% happens.
Better luck next time!
IT'S HARD TO WRITE A GOOD SYMPATHY CARD.

HI, PIG. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO AN EXCITING NEW TAPAS BAR WITH ME.?
YOU LITTLE TRAMP. WE SHALL NEVER DATE AGAIN.
I THOUGHT SHE SAID 'TOPLESS.'

I ALMOST GOT BACK MY OLD JOB AT THE CAFE, BUT MY BOSS WANTED ME AT WORK BY 5:30 A.M.
SO?
SO GETTING UP BEFORE 6:00 A.M. IS A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY.
SOME PEOPLE JUST CALL THAT BEING DILIGENT.
I'M THINKING OF REPORTING HIM TO THE HAGUE.

I AM GOING TO BE FOCUSED THIS MORNING. I AM GOING TO GET MY WORK DONE.
I WILL JUST QUICKLY CHECK MY FACEBOOK NEWS FEED.
HAHA... LOOK AT THAT LIL' BABY SINGING... IS THAT REAL?
HAHA... A MONKEY PLAYING WITH A KITTEN... NOW THAT'S FUNNY.
IS THAT KID REALLY GONNA JUMP OFF HIS ROOF? WHOA.
AWW... A RETURNING SOLDIER SURPRISING HIS DAUGHTER... I LOVE THESE.
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO INCREASE MY PRODUCTIVITY.

I'M GOING TO THE OPERA TONIGHT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OPERA AND A MUSICAL?
AN OPERA IS MORE POMPOUS AND BORING.
NO.
OH, AND THE PERFORMERS MUST BE OBESE.

COUNSELOR, I OBJECT TO YOUR CHARACTERIZATION OF THE EVIDENCE.
OUTRAGEOUS. THIS ENTIRE LINE OF QUESTIONING IS OFFENSIVE.
OFFENSIVE? MR. COURT REPORTER, PLEASE READ THE LAST FEW MINUTES BACK TO ME.
"THE TWO @$$#%*!S ARE ARGUING!"
... AND THEN THEY FIRED ME.

I hear you got a new job.
Yeah. As a court reporter.
Why’d you want to do that?
Because my goal in life is to spend as much time around lawyers as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
But seriously, I’m desperate.

WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK DO PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL HUMP DAY?
ANSWER THAT QUESTION WISELY OR I'LL BAN THIS STRIP IN UTAH, THE DEEP SOUTH, THE BIBLE BELT, AND ALL OF AMISH COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T SAY "WEDNESDAY" IN AMISH COUNTRY?
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
FIRST THEY GROW THE FUNNY BEARDS, THEN THEY BAN "WEDNESDAY"