Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SATURDAY GOING?
GREAT. WE HAVE A HUGE LEAK IN OUR ROOF AND THE WATER IS JUST POURING IN.
WHY IS THAT GREAT?
I NO LONGER HAVE TO WATER OUR INDOOR PLANTS!
NOW THAT'S AN OPTIMIST.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
WIMBLEDON.
WHAT’S WIMBLEDON?
THIS TENNIS MATCH WHERE THE PLAYERS PLAY ON GRASS.
DRUG LEGALIZATION IS OUT OF CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
ANALYZING ALL OF MY FAILED ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS TO DETERMINE IF THERE WERE ANY FACTORS COMMON TO EACH OF THEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING?
ME
HOW DO I BREAK UP WITH ME?

GOAT SAYS YOU HAD SURGERY TO REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
YES. A FILTERECTOMY.
HAS ANYONE ELSE EVER HAD THE SURGERY?
JUST ONE GUY. BUT HE ASKED ME NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
THERE WAS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER EYES... BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER... WHEREVER.
EWWW.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY, RAT?
JUST ONCE. I HAD A FILTERECTOMY.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE THEY REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.
IF IT POPS IN HERE, IT POPS OUT OF HERE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
I'M NOT BIG ON VOTING.
DO YOU LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE VOTING IS LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES. YOU SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF AND HOPE WHAT COMES NEXT DOESN'T SUCK.
YOU'RE REALLY NOT HELPING.
OH, AND THEY'RE BOTH FILLED WITH RIDICULOUS FANTASY.

THE SUNDAY PAPER IS TRADITIONALLY KNOWN FOR ITS MANY COUPONS. BUT DO YOU REALLY NEED ANOTHER CHEAP HAM? SO TODAY WE OFFER YOU COUPONS YOU CAN REALLY USE.
ONE FREE PUNCH TO THE HEAD
to anyone non-blind person who wears their sunglasses indoors.
NO ONE CARES
ONE FREE POP IN THE NOSE
to anyone who thinks I care about what kind of luxury sedan they bought.
ONE FREE KICK TO THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS
who asks my poor city to pay for his new stadium
ONE FREE WAKE-UP CALL
to the Facebook friend who posts endless photos of themselves and their boyfriend or girlfriend on Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, or any other annoying event that I did not attend.
AN EVEN BIGGER WAKE-UP CALL
to the Twitter friend who keeps posting their political opinion.
I muted you a long time ago.
ONE FREE BAT TO THE HEAD
to any cartoonist who thinks it's clever or original to make himself a character in his own comic strip
WAS THAT LAST ONE REALLY NECESSARY?
HOLD OUT YOUR ARM.
HE HAS A COUPON.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ROB. HE JUST TOOK HIS MOM TO SEE SOME OF THE WORK HE HAS HANGING IN THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART.
WOW, A FAMOUS ARTIST! WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO?
PICTURE FRAMES.
OH.
IT'S STILL A SKILL!
I'M STILL PROUD!

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TWO
HOW 'BOUT A COUPLE OF WHITE RUSSIANS?
NO RUSSIAN LOOKS LIKE THAT.
BEST I COULD DO.

SO THEN YOU JUST TAKE THE TWO, ADD IT TO THE FIVE, AND TA-DAAAA… YOU GET SEVEN.
WOW!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
EXPLAINING EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF RELATIVITY TO PIG.
THAT'S BASIC MATH.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN THE MYSTIQUE I HAVE AMONG MY DUMBER FRIENDS.
SO HAVE YOU WON A NOBEL PRIZE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING A FUNERAL FOR THE WORD 'SAID'.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORD 'SAID'?
SO THE RAT GOES, 'COME TO THE FUNERAL.' AND I'M LIKE 'WHY?' AND HE'S ALL, 'YOU'LL SEE.'
NEVER MIND.

SOMETIMES I HOPE THAT SOME ALIEN PLANET ATTACKS US SO THAT EVERYONE ON EARTH HAS TO WORK TOGETHER AND PUT ASIDE ALL THE SILLY BELIEFS THAT DIVIDE US.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT, PIG.
SORT OF LIKE HOW THE FONZ AND MR. KOTTER AND CHARLIE'S ANGELS ALL PLAYED FOR THE SAME TEAM ON "BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS!"
BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT RUINED.
WEREN'T C.B.S. AND N.B.C. BATTLING AGAINST THEM?
OH, I HATED C.B.S.!

WHAT'S WITH THE RING?
IT'S FROM COLLEGE. I WEAR IT SO THAT WHEREVER I GO, I CARRY A MEMENTO OF WHERE I SPENT THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
YEAH. WHAT WOULD IT BE FOR YOU?
YOUR BARSTOOL DOESN'T COUNT.
IT IS A LITTLE HEAVY.

HEY, BENNY THE BEACH BUM, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. JUST SITTING HERE ON THE BEACH.
DON'T YOU EVER HAVE ANY AMBITION TO DO ANYTHING?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE GETTING A JOB.
WHY?
TO MAKE MONEY.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN BUILD UP YOUR SAVINGS AND ONE DAY RETIRE.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT... YOU KNOW, RELAX, HANG OUT... SIT ON THE BEACH.
YOU'RE THE MOST BRILLIANT HUMAN ALIVE.

LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD'S BEES ARE DYING OFF. THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT MEANS NO MORE BEE STINGS.
NO BEES -- NO POLLINATION. NO POLLINATION -- NO FOOD SUPPLY. NO FOOD SUPPLY -- WE ALL DIE.
YOU ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PIG?
THIS BASEBALL CARD DEALER HAS GIVEN ME THE BURDEN OF TAKING CARE OF HIS 1909 HONUS WAGNER CARD. IT'S A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.
SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?
BECAUSE HE PAYS ME. AND IF I DO A GOOD JOB, I'LL GET AN EXTRA CHECK AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
SO IT'S A HONUS ONUS BONUS?
A NEW LOWNESS.

YOUR PARTY LAST NIGHT WAS A BIT LOUD, NEIGHBOR BOB.
I HAD FRIENDS OVER. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DIE BOB.
DIE RAT.
THIS IS A NO-FLY ZONE, BOB.
TELL IT TO THE DRONE, RAT.

RAT HAS BEGUN SELLING THE PENTAGON'S SURPLUS DRONES TO REGULAR FOLK TO THREATEN THEIR UNFRIENDLY NEIGHBORS.
PASS THE KETCHUP OR ELSE, BOB.
STAY OUT OF MY AIRSPACE, @%#*!$#.
BUSINESS IS GOING WELL.
OMELETTE WAS COLD, FRED. I'M BOMBING TABLE FOUR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING SURPLUS DRONES I BOUGHT FROM THE PENTAGON. THEY'RE FOR REGULAR FOLK.
TO DO WHAT?
SPY ON BAD NEIGHBORS. INTIMIDATE THEM. OR IF YOU JUST CAN'T SEE EYE-TO-EYE, LEVEL THEIR HOUSE.
YOU'RE INSANE! WHO WANTS TO USE A DRONE TO LEVEL THEIR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE?!
YOU REALLY UNDERESTIMATE PEOPLE.
I HAVE A COUPON FOR THE HELLFIRE MISSILES.

RINNING
RINNING
AREN'T YOU
GONNA GET
THAT?
NO. IT'S
JUST THE
HOUSE
PHONE.
SO?
SO THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO STILL CALL ON THE
HOUSE PHONE ARE TELE-
MARKETERS AND PEOPLE
WITH THE WRONG
NUMBER.
WHEN DID OUR
HOME PHONE
BECOME THE
LEAST EFFECT-
IVE MEANS OF
REACHING US?
I JUST
KEEP IT IN
CASE I EVER
NEED TO
STRANGLE
SOMEONE.

A Syndicated Cartoonist's Top Ten List of Topics That Generate the Most Complaints
No. 10
SEX
No. 9
Drugs
No. 8
Ethnicity
No. 7
PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS
No. 6
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES
No. 5
Praise for Obama
No. 4
Criticism of Obama
No. 3
Any mention of FOX news
No. 2
Religion
No. 1
Race
I SAW THAT BLACK MUSLIM OBAMA ON FOX NEWS.
THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION!
DO YOU THINK HE HAS SEX WHILE ON DRUGS?

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO GO TO THE FARMERS MARKET WITH US?
YEAH, I LOVE FARMERS MARKETS. WHAT ARE THEY SELLING?
FARMERS.
WHAT ELSE WOULD THEY SELL AT A FARMERS MARKET?
I HATE THIS COMIC STRIP.
GIMME THE FAT ONE WITH THE PITCHFORK.

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
DOLLY GRIP.
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
WOW, YOU SEEM YOUNG, BUT YOU HAVE A VERY FIRM HANDSHAKE. WHAT DO YOU DO IN FILMS?
BEST BOY GRIP.
I SEE.
SO MOSTLY I JUST GO AROUND SHAKING HANDS.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVE THE WORD "LOVE" PRINTED ACROSS THE BUTT OF YOUR SWEATPANTS.
SO?
SO DO YOU LOVE YOUR BUTT? OR DOES YOUR BUTT LOVE YOU? OR DOES YOUR BUTT JUST WANT US TO LOVE OTHERS?
THEY WERE MY ONLY CLEAN SWEATPANTS.
AND WHY IS YOUR BUTT SO OPINIONATED?