Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear Mr Congressman,
I know that now you only represent rich people who give you lots of money.
But I don't have any money.
So here's a crushed donut.
WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH PULL THAT GIVES ME.

HEY, LIQUOR STORE LARRY. HOW'S BUSINESS ?
GOOD. MY STORE'S NOW BIG ENOUGH THAT THE DISTRIBUTOR GIVES ME MORE LIQUOR THAN I ORDER AND THE OVERAGE IS FREE.
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE BUSINESS?
YEP. HE DOES IT FOR THE BIG STORES.
THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
NOT REALLY. I HAVE AVERAGE OVERAGE BEVERAGE LEVERAGE.
ARE YOU DRINKING AS YOU WRITE THESE?

LAST YEAR WAS THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY OF EINSTEIN'S GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY.
OH, YEAH. RAT EXPLAINED THAT THEORY TO ME.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
THAT THEY'RE ANNOYING AND JUDGMENTAL AND RUIN THE HOLIDAYS.
THAT'S MY THEORY OF RELATIVES.
SAME THING?
NO.

HI, GUARD DUCK... WHERE YOU OFF TO SO LATE WITH YOUR 'LIL SCOUT TROOP?
THE FOREST.
OHH... ARE YOU GONNA DO A LITTLE CAMPING? MAYBE HAVE A CAMPFIRE?
BURY A BODY.
HOPE THEY DON'T GET A MERIT BADGE FOR THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
CRUSHING THIS MAN BETWEEN TWO AIRLINE SEATS AS A MEANS OF PROTESTING THE CRAMPED SEATING ON AMERIDICTIAN AIRLINES.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTACT THE C.E.O?
THIS /IS/ THE C.E.O.
I'M MORE DELIGHTED THAN I SHOULD BE.
IF HE WANTS OUT, CHARGE HIM A $50 COMFORT FEE.

CONGRESS FOR DUMMIES
Congressman parties with big donors.
CRISIS
CONGRESSMAN GOES ON T.V.
OUTRAGE! YOU KNOW HE CARES BECAUSE HE JUST SHOUTED!
Congressman holds town hall meetings.
OUTRAGE!
Congressman attends hearings.
OUTRAGE!!!
Congressman waits until nobody gives a CRAP...
Congressman parties with big donors.
AND WE RE-ELECT THEM 90% OF THE TIME.
HEY, IF I DIDN'T, HE'D JUST HAVE TO EMPLOY THESE CHUMPS.
WAIT! I THINK I WOULD RE-ELECT THAT CARING CHUMP!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE JOHNSONS. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY WE'RE NOT GOING TO THEIR DINNER PARTY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM.
WE DON'T LIKE YOU.
THAT WORKED.

HEY, PIG. WE'RE GOING TO A ROOFTOP BAR. WANNA COME?
HOLD ON, MOM. GOAT'S ASKING ME SOMETHING.
WHAT'S A ROOFTOP BAR?
IT'S A BAR ON A ROOF, YOU KNOW, NOTHING OVER THE TOP OF YOU. AND THEY SERVE THE BEER OUT OF THESE HUGE CANS. YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT.
WHERE ARE YOU TWO OFF TO, SON?
A TOPLESS BAR TO SEE SOME HUGE CANS.
SHE SEEMED LESS THAN EXCITED.

WHERE'S PIG?

I HIRED HIM AS AN ASSISTANT, SO TODAY HE'S WRITING "STP" ON ALL MY SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR.

WHAT'S "STP"?

MY INITIALS. STEPHAN THOMAS PASTIS.

OKAY, STEPH, ALL DONE!

I SAID "STP", NOT "STD".

I DON'T HEAR THAT WELL.

OH, YOU WILL SO CHARM THE LADIES.

HEY, PIG. THIS IS MY BRITISH FRIEND, ANDREW. HE'S HAPPY BECAUSE HE JUST GOT A FLAT.
WHY IS THAT SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT?
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE.
WELL, THEN I'LL JUST TAKE THIS STEAK KNIFE AND SLASH YOUR OTHER THREE TIRES.
PIG... HE GOT AN APARTMENT?
GOOD, 'CAUSE HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE FOR A WHILE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A BUNCH OF LUMBERJACKS WITH LONG SCRAGGLY BEARDS AND FILTHY HELMETS SWINGING AROUND BIG PIECES OF WOOD.
THAT'S A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GAME.
I THINK I MISSED A FASHION TREND.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHATCHA DOING?
TRYING TO READ THIS E-BOOK OUTSIDE, BUT THERE’S TOO MUCH GLARE ON THE SCREEN.
THAT’S FUNNY. MINE WORKS FINE.
OH, REALLY? WHAT MODEL DO YOU HAVE?
A 'BOOK' BOOK. THE KIND WITH GRASP-ABLE PAGES... THAT I BOUGHT AT A LOCAL BOOKSTORE... BECAUSE IT'D BE PRETTY GARSH-SH SAD IF OUR LAST REMAINING BOOKSTORE HAD TO SHUT ITS DOORS
SENSITIVE SUBJECT?
MAY YOUR DAYS BE GARVEY AND BRIGHT.

Cartoonist Stephan Pastis has been found dead. Which one of the characters is responsible for his death?
TIMMY FAILURE DIDN'T KILL PASTIS. I DID IT...FOR PASTIS! IT WAS HIS BELIEF THAT NO STRIP WITH A FACEBOOK PAGE FULL OF COMMENTERS SUGGESTING IT BE CANCELED WOULD BE A SUCCESS, SEWING DOUBT INTO THE MINDS OF MANAGEMENT!
So Pastis told me to kill him.
Stephan will receive how many complaints for using the phrase "SCREW IT" in the last panel?
SCREW IT. I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, STEPH, THIS IS JOHN GLYNN, THE HEAD OF YOUR SYNDICATE, AND I HAVE SOME REAL FAMILY-FRIENDLY, CHUCKLE-FILLED IDEAS FOR YOUR COMIC.
OH. OKAY. WHAT ARE THEY?
OKAY, WELL, IN THIS FIRST STRIP, THE -
SPLUSH
FLUSH
HAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHHHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHA!
IS IT RAINING THERE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE TO GO TO A DINNER PARTY WITH A BUNCH OF ACADEMIC TYPES, AND I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA LOOK STUPID.
JUST TALK LIKE THEY DO AND USE ALL THE BUZZWORDS. YOU KNOW, LIKE "EXISTENTIAL ANGST," AND "PARADIGM SHIFT."
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR BATHROOM, WHERE I RELIEVED MY EXISTENTIAL ANGST WITH A NICE PARADIGM SHIFT.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO, STEPH?
THIS GREAT STATION. PLAYS ALL THE MUSIC I ALWAYS LOVED IN COLLEGE AND STUFF, LIKE "GUNS N' ROSES" AND "NIRVANA".
OH, YEAH, THAT'S THE 'GOLDEN OLDIES' STATION.
AND THEN HE CRIED AND LEFT.

HULLOO, ZEEBA NEIGHA... EES TEEN... CROCS FIND GOD. WANT SHARE GUD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
DAT ONE DAY WHEN YOU EES DIE, YOU GO HEAVEN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
AND DAT DAY TODAY!
I NEED TO STOP ANSWERING THE DOOR.

HEY, RAT, I HEARD YOU'RE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. WHAT'S YOUR CAMPAIGN CENTERED AROUND?
SOCIAL ACTIVISM. JUST LIKE GANDHI AND M.L.K. I'M RISKING EVERYTHING TO CHANGE SOCIETY FROM THE GROUND UP.
THAT'S GREAT. SO WHAT DOES THAT INCLUDE? MARCHES? SIT-INS? CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE?
SOMETIMES I CLICK THE 'LIKE' BUTTON ON FACEBOOK.
NOW.
SOMETIMES I EVEN POST A SAD EMOJI.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ALL THESE WARS GOING ON IN THE MIDDLE EAST?
IT'S A COMPLEX SITUATION. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU INVOLVE RELIGION AND ALL THEIR SECTS.
THERE'S A LOT OF SEX?
TONS. AND IT'S HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF WHO'S WITH WHOM.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL LIKE VOLUNTEERING.
JUST LIKE THAT? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS CASUAL SECTS.

I STARTED A NEW BUSINESS.

DOING WHAT?
I SELL PEOPLE THEIR OWN CANNING MACHINE AND A SUPPLY OF FRUIT PICKED IN THE AFRICAN SAVANNA.
WHAT KIND OF FRUIT?
MOSTLY BANANAS, WHICH THEY CAN THEMSELVES.
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEM?
SELL THEM IN COVERED LITTLE PRODUCE HUTS BUT SOME CITIES WANT TO BAN THE STRUCTURE.
WHY?
I DUNNO. BUT TO HELP MY CHANCES, I GOT A CELEBRITY PARTNER TO PUT HER NAME ON THE BUSINESS. IT'S THAT WOMAN WHO TURNS THE LETTERS ON 'WHEEL OF FORTUNE' NOW THE CITIES WON'T DO WHAT THEY'RE THREATENING TO DO.
WHAT ARE CITIES THREATENING TO DO?
BAN A 'VANNA CAN A SAVANNA BANANA' CABANA.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, ANOTHER SUNDAY IS RUINED.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
LAST NIGHT MY WIFE TOLD ME SHE HAD A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. THEN SHE SAID OUR FAMILY WAS ABOUT TO GROW A LITTLE BIT LARGER.
WOW... AND WHAT'D YOU SAY?
THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE FAT ENOUGH ALREADY.
I THINK I RUINED A MOMENT.

HEY, 'PEARLS' IS GONNA BE PUBLISHED IN A BUNCH OF UNIVERSITY NEWSPAPERS THIS WEEK.
THAT'S TERRIFIC. UNIVERSITIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BASTION OF FREE SPEECH WHERE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT REMOVED AND REMOVED EVEN IF YOU'RE A REMOVED WHO LIKES REMOVED OR DOESN'T LIKE REMOVED.
UH... WHAT HAPPENED TO UNIVERSITIES?
WE RAISED A FEW OVER- SENSITIVE NINNIES?
BAN THAT!

I HEARD YOU INVITED SOME WOMEN OVER FOR A BIG DANCE PARTY LAST WEEKEND. HOW’D IT GO?
NOT WELL. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. MAYBE THE MUSIC.
WHAT’D YOU PLAY?
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S “NEBRASKA.”
IS CRYING COMMON AT DANCE PARTIES?

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
IT'S A VOTING BOOTH THAT I SET UP FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
BUT IT'S JUST A BRICK WALL.
YEAH. YOU BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST IT UNTIL YOU FALL UNCONSCIOUS AND MISS THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
WAH-WAH-WAH-WHAM!
LOOK. OUR FIRST SATISFIED CUSTOMER.
CAN I BE NEXT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOAT'S LAUNDRY. HIS WASHING MACHINE BROKE. HE ASKED ME TO SEPARATE OUT THE WHITES, BUT I DIDN'T.
WHY NOT?
I WON'T TOLERATE RACISM.
YOU'VE RUINED HIS CLOTHES.
GOOD. RACIST LITTLE UNDERWEAR.