Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
80'S MAN. HE'S BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE 1987. SO WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE BY GOING FOR A DRIVE.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE DIRECTIONS. SO WE'RE BRINGING A TRUNK FULL OF MAPS. PLUS, I'VE GOT A BOOMBOX TO LISTEN TO AND A BUNCH OF DIMES TO CALL HOME.
NO TIME TO GET HIM UP TO SPEED?
NO.
GOT SPACE FOR MY VIDEO CAMERA?

WHO'S YOUR
PAL, PIG?
80'S MAN. HE'S BEEN LIVING
UNDER A ROCK SINCE 1987
AND NOW I'M TRYING TO
EXPLAIN THE INTERNET TO
HIM. CAN YOU HELP?
EVERYTHING YOU DO IS NOW SEEN
BY EVERYBODY ALWAYS.
OH.
A WORLD
OF
PEEPING
TOMS.
BUT YOU
CAN'T
CLOSE
THE
DRAPES.
AND
THEY'RE
ALL
OPINIONATED.

ARE HEAVEN AND HELL THE ONLY TWO POSSIBILITIES FOR PEOPLE AFTER THEY DIE?
WELL, SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE IN AN INTERMEDIATE STATE CALLED LIMBO.
WHERE YOU TRY TO DANCE YOUR WAY UNDER A POLE FOR ALL ETERNITY?
NO.
SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST ETERNITY EVER.

HEY, LENNY THE LION, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LATELY?
PACKING. ALL OF US LIONS ONLY STAY HERE DURING THE WARM SUMMER MONTHS.
SO WHEN ARE ALL OF YOU GUYS GOING?
THE PRIDE GOES BEFORE THE FALL.
I'D BE LION IF I SAID THAT WAS FUNNY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
OLD RECORDS MADE BY DR. BONES MCCOY FROM "STAR TREK." RAT AND I ARE RE-ORGANIZING OUR RECORD COLLECTION.
HEY, PIG. GOT ALL MY OLD ROLLING STONES AND STYX RECORDS. CAN I PUT THEM DOWN ON YOURS?
WHY NOT?
STYX AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS HURT YOU.

DID YOU KNOW
THERE'S A
WHOLE WORLD
OUT THERE?
SAY
WHAT?
CAN'T
TALK.
POSTING
SOMETHING

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, PIG?
MY PANTS O' DESTINY. WHENEVER I WEAR THEM, I FEEL LIKE I'M ONE STEP CLOSER TO ACHIEVING MY TRUE DESTINY.
DESTINY IS SOMETHING THAT'S INEVITABLE. SOMETHING THAT'S BOUND TO HAPPEN.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THE PANTS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WANCY. HOW'S YOUR WORK GOING?
GOOD. I HELP SET UP YOUTH HOSTELS NOW, SO I RE-DID MY ENTIRE OFFICE SO AS TO FOCUS ONLY ON THAT.
SO YOU HAVE A HOSTEL WORK ENVIRONMENT?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOSTILE.

RAT THE FEATURES EDITOR DROPS THE BRIDGE COLUMN
HE ASKED YOU NICE FOLKS HERE BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO BE THE MOST REASONABLE MEMBERS OF THE BRIDGE-LOVING COMMUNITY AND WE'D LIKE TO START A DIALOGUE.
GIVE US BACK OUR BRIDGE COLUMN OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE KNEE.
BRIDGE-LOVERS CAN BE VERY UNPLEASANT.

I hear you got a job as features editor of our paper.
Yep. And the first thing I did was get rid of the bridge column.
Who in the world still reads a bridge column??
Old people are fire bombing our front porch.
Perhaps I miscalculated.
Cool it with the Molotov cocktails, Grandma!!

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN I HAVE AN ETHICAL DILEMMA.
AT TIMES LIKE THAT, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO JUST CONSULT THEIR OWN MORAL COMPASS.
MINE POINTS TO, 'DO IT IF IT FEELS GOOD.'
I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.
THANKS, LITTLE COMPASS.

HEY, RAT, I GOT YOU A WHITMAN'S SAMPLER FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
OH, DUDE, THAT'S LIKE THE BEST PRESENT EVER... I LOVE ALL THOSE DIFFERENT CHOCOLATES AND --
'I CELEBRATE MYSELF, AND SING MYSELF.'
IT'S A SAMPLER OF WALT WHITMAN POETRY.
AND THEN I BEAT HIM WITH MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

WELL, PIG. I OPENED MY OWN 'INN AND CAFE'. EVEN NAMED IT AFTER MYSELF. BUT MY BUSINESS IS A BIT UNUSUAL.
HOW SO, MR. SINGH?
WELL, I'M NORMALLY JUST A CAFE. BUT WHEN IT RAINS, THE BRIDGE JUST PAST US WASHES OUT AND PEOPLE GET STRANDED.
SO THEN WHAT?
SO THEN I DITCH THE CAFE AND CONVERT IT ALL TO JUST AN INN.
SO ALL THE STRANDED FOLKS HAVE SOMEWHERE TO STAY.
YEP.
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT TILL IT RAINS AND COME STAY AT THE 'SINGH INN AND CAFE'.
I'M 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN. JUST 'SINGH INN' IN THE RAIN.
IT'S NOT A GLORIOUS FEELING. AND I'M NOT HAPPY AGAIN.

MARY! I'M SO GLAD YOU AGREED TO HAVE COFFEE! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE WE DATED TEN YEARS AGO.
I KNOW. ISN'T IT GREAT?
WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON NOW, DO WE?
NOPE.
ALWAYS KEEP THE PAST IN THE PAST.

...that all men are created equal.
Four score and seven years ago...
...nothing to fear but fear itself.
Illegal to punch journalists in the head. Sad!

MY DREAMS NEVER SEEM TO COME TRUE.

MAYBE YOU HAVE UNREALISTIC DREAMS.

WHAT'S A MORE REALISTIC DREAM?

DREAM OF BUTTERING YOUR TOAST.

DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

WELL, PIG, I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE A FEW HEALTH PROBLEMS.
OH, NO. I DO?
YEAH. BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER? THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET AND WE'RE ALL QUITE SCREWED.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A PACK OF SMOKES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS. HERE. HAVE A LOOK.
In life, there are no limitations.
Except stupidity. If you're stupid, you're screwed.
I DON'T WANT TO GET PEOPLES' HOPES UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB WRITING INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS. HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
IN LIFE, DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.
AND IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF.
EXCEPT FOR THE BIG STUFF, LIKE DEATH AND DISEASE, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS ARE SERIOUS, AND YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM.
I TRY TO BE REALISTIC.

Hello?
No, no... Don't scrunch up your little face and cry.
You're gonna be oooookayyyy!
Look. I'll make funny faces.
There there. Turn that frown upside-down.
Heey... is that a smile I see?
It wasn't like a maternity ward.

HEY, PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM... HE'S THAT AUTHOR I LIKE TO READ.
OH, YEAH. I PICKED UP YOUR BOOK THE OTHER DAY.
YOU DID?
YEAH. THEN I PUT IT BACK DOWN 'CAUSE I WAS FINISHED DUSTING.
DO ALL AUTHORS CRY THAT EASILY?

I WANT TO GO TO SAVANNAH, GEORGIA. THEY HAVE AN OPEN CONTAINER LAW THERE.
WOW. REALLY?
YEAH. WHY?
SO IF I WANTED TO WALK AROUND WITH AN OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE, NOBODY COULD STOP ME?
NOT WHY MOST PEOPLE GO.
CAN'T TOUCH ME, COPPERS.

HEY, GOAT. PIGITA AND I WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD USE YOUR PLACE BY THE BEACH.
YEAH, BUT IF YOU GO TO SOME OF THE BEACHES, YOU NEED TO HOSE YOURSELF OFF BEFORE GOING BACK INSIDE.
I GUESS I CAN REMEMBER THAT IF I THINK REAL HARD.
IT'S EASY. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE. GO TO SOME BEACHES, USE THE HOSE.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
SOME BEACHES AND HOSE.
MUST YOUR PUNS HURT SO MUCH?
YES.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST. THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR BARBECUE...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT...RIBS? BURGERS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY LOW GLYCEMIC CARBS?
THIS IS WHY CYCLISTS HAVE NO FRIENDS, JEF.
FINE. GET ME TWELVE TO FOURTEEN ALMONDS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I'VE HAD GOOD CREDIT ALL MY LIFE. PAID MY CREDIT CARDS, MY MORTGAGE, BUT FOR SOME REASON, MY CREDIT SCORE IS LOW, SO MY FRIEND SAID I SHOULD COME AND ASK WHY.
EIGHTH GRADE. HUNTINGTON MIDDLE SCHOOL. YOU BORROWED SIXTY CENTS FROM ERIC VAN WAGENEN FOR TATER TOTS. NEVER PAID IT BACK.
THEY'RE RATHER THOROUGH.