Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M THINKING ABOUT OPENING A 10,000 SEAT OUTDOOR CONCERT VENUE ON OUR BLOCK.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THIS IS A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD. AT A MINIMUM, YOU'D HAVE TO FILE AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.
I DID.
HAVE A LOOK.
THERE WILL BE NOISE.
COULD YOU ADD A LITTLE MORE DETAIL?
LOTS OF NOISE.

WHO'S THE LITTLE GUY?
MY DOG 'LIBIDO.' HE WANTS TO RUN AROUND FREE IN THE YARD.
RINNGG
HI, PIG... IT'S ME, PIGITA. DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR A WHILE?
SURE. BUT MY LIBIDO REALLY NEEDS TO BE UNLEASHED.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE.

HEY NEIGHBOR NANCY. HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. I HAD TO END AN AFFAIR I WAS HAVING WITH A GUY.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE HE WAS SO PARANOID ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT. HE THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR HIM.
WHY DID HE FEEL THAT WAY?
I HAVE MY REASONS.

PIG GOT A NEW PUPPY AND NAMED HIM 'LIBIDO.'
THAT'S AN ODD NAME.
HE THOUGHT IT SOUNDED ITALIAN. BUT IT CREATED PROBLEMS WHEN HE GOT BACK FROM THE VET.
WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS?
MY LIBIDO IS VERY HEALTHY.
GOOD FOR YOU.

HEY, PIG. I'M LOOKING FOR SOME METALS, AND I KNOW THAT JUNK DEALER GIVES YOU SOME FOR FREE.
OH, YEAH. HE COMPS ME STAINLESS STEEL, COPPER, ALUMINUM.
DID HE COMP YOU ANY TIN?
SORRY. I'M STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPED TIN.
I'M AN ORIGINAL G.
GEEK?

YOU KNOW HOW PHYSICIANS HAVE THAT GUIDING PRINCIPLE OF "FIRST, DO NO HARM"?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT NEEDS TO BE ADHERED TO BY THE PEOPLE WHO UPDATE MY PHONE!!
BAD UPDATE?
STOP MESSING WITH MY &$#@%*&%@ PHONE!!

HELLO. I'M RAT AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
FACE IT... YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF GOOD CHOICES IN THIS ELECTION. SO VOTE FOR ME. BECAUSE IF ELECTED, I PROMISE TO DO ONE THING.
FREE BEER FOR EVERYONE.
I WILL HAND OUT FREE BEER HELMETS TO EVERYONE.
THIS WILL LOOK GENEROUS. BUT IS A RUSE.
BECAUSE THE HELMETS OF STUPID PEOPLE WILL BE MAGNETIZED.
WHILE THEY ARE OUT ENJOYING THEIR BEER HELMET, A GIANT MAGNETIC CRANE WILL LIFT THEM OFF THE STREET.
AND DROP THEM SAFELY ON THE GIANT TRASH HEAP THAT FLOATS IN THE PACIFIC.
WE'LL BE RID OF STUPID PEOPLE.
AND STUPID PEOPLE WILL THINK THEY'VE WON A HAWAIIAN VACATION.
WOULDN'T STUPID PEOPLE READ THIS AND BE ALERTED?
GOOD NEWS. THEY DON'T READ.
I'M VOTING FOR HIM.

HELLO, GOAT. I'VE FINALLY BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.
GOOD FOR YOU! THAT SAVES TONS OF LIVES.
HOW DOES THIS SAVE LIVES?

I WANT ENOUGH MONEY TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS.
TRUE.
BUT IT CAN SURE RENT THRILLS.
THRILLED YET?
FOR FIFTY BUCKS, THIS CAN ALL BE YOURS.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY PAL, LINDA. SHE'S NEVER BEEN PROMOTED AND HER EMPLOYER DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER ATTEMPTS TO BREAK THE GLASS CEILING.
THEY'RE SEXIST?
I WORK IN A GREENHOUSE.
SHE JUST CAN'T STOP THROWING ROCKS.
IT'S FUN TO BREAK THOSE LITTLE PANES.
I GET IT. STOP.

IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
YOU MUST THINK I'M REALLY STUPID.

GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET EDDIE. HE'S A WRITER, BUT NOBODY EVER READS WHAT HE WRITES.
WELL, THAT'S A PESSIMISTIC ASSESSMENT. I'M SURE YOU HAVE AT LEAST A FEW READERS. WHAT DO YOU WRITE?
THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS IN YOUR APPLE SOFTWARE AGREEMENT.
OH.
PLEASE STOP JUST CLICKING 'AGREE'.

WE, THE JURY, FIND THE DEFENDANT INNOCENT.
JURY OF MY PEARS.
KEEP TRYING.
WHY? HE'S BETTER THAN YOU ALREADY.

CAN WE HELP YOU?
YES, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
WHY SHOULD WE VOTE FOR YOU?
WELL, I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU NEED SOMEONE FIGHTING FOR YOU BUT WE BOTH KNOW I'M BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY MY BIGGEST DONORS.
AND I'D SAY TO PASS LAWS, BUT I NEED CONGRESS FOR THAT, AND THOSE SAME DONORS CONTROL THEM.
AND I'D SAY BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT, BUT FRANKLY, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO OKAYED THIS WHOLE MONEY THING IN THE FIRST PLACE.
HERE'S A PITCHFORK AND TORCH. DO WHAT YOU CAN.
AT LEAST WE HAVE OPTIONS.

WHAT'S PIG DOING?
HE GOT A JOB AS A QUEENS GUARD. HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE A MUSCLE.
click click click
THERE GOES THAT JOB.
MIND HOLDING MY GUN WHILE I GO POTTY?

WHO'S YOUR SUPERHERO FRIEND?
'HOLD.'
HE'S GOT A SUPER GRIP?
HE CAN WAIT ON HOLD 'TIL HIS HEALTH INSURER ANSWERS.
THAT IS A SUPERPOWER.
I'LL OUTWAIT THEE, EVIL FOE!
CALL MINE NEXT.

STEPHAN DOES A BOOK SIGNING
THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TO THE BOOK SIGNING TONIGHT. MY EX-WIFE STACI IS ACTUALLY HERE IN THE FIRST ROW AND I’M THINKING MAYBE SHE’D LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED.
I’M THINKING NOT.
LOOK… SHE’S TELLING YOU YOU’RE NUMBER ONE.

I'M GONNA SEE A THERAPIST TODAY. I THINK I MAY HAVE ADHD, ADD, OR OCD.
OH, YEAH. I HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
WHICH ONE ?
ACDC. I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO 'BACK IN BLACK'.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S A RECOGNIZED CONDITION.
OH, GREAT. NOW I FEEL LIKE WORSHIPING SATAN.

WANT TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH ME?
WHAT IS IT?
YOU DRINK A BEER EVERY TIME A CNN POLITICAL ANALYST BEGINS THEIR ANSWER WITH THE WORD ‘LOOK’
OKAY. I’LL PLAY FOR A FEW MINUTES.
CURSE YOO, DAVID GERGEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO CHECK MY STOOL.
GET HELP.

AFTER A LOT OF THOUGHT, I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT SOMETHING.
THAT THE POINT OF LIFE IS LEARNING THAT THERE IS NO “I”.
THAT WE ARE ALL PART OF ONE WHOLE.
THUS, THE GOLDEN RULE – ‘DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU’. BECAUSE TO HARM OTHERS IS TO HARM YOURSELF.
AND THAT’S THE GOAL. TO HAVE THAT UNDERSTANDING. THAT THERE IS NO “I”. THAT WE, ALL OF US, ARE ONE.
YOU ATE TWO OF MY PEANUTS.
I THINK YOU’RE MISSING MY POINT.
I’M MISSING YOUR @#%*%#@ PEANUTS.

HEY, PIG... I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, BUT PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WITHOUT ASKING.
ASKING WHAT?
IF I COULD TAKE YOUR FENCE OR ANYONE ELSE'S.
LET'S START OVER.
LET'S. BECAUSE SO FAR, IT'S BEEN VERY OFFENSIVE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M ON HOLD WITH AN AIRLINE AND A RECORDED VOICE IS APOLOGIZING FOR THE INCONVENIENCE AND TELLING ME THEY APPRECIATE MY BUSINESS.
WHICH IS NICE TO HEAR BUT BECOMES... SHEER MOCKERY WHEN YOU'VE HEARD IT THIRTY-ONE TIMES IN A ROW!!!
MAYBE THEY REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.
THEY SHOULD JUST SAY: YOU'RE SCREWED AND IT AMUSES US.

NONE OF MY TWEETS ARE GOING OUT TODAY.
YEAH. RAT WENT HUNTING.
SO?
HE SHOT THE TWITTER BIRD.
HE WAS MUCH TOO CHATTY.

HEY, RAT, THERE'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE AT OUR DOOR WHO'D LIKE TO RENT OUR SPARE BEDROOM.
WHAT ARE THEY LIKE?
EAGER. PLUS, THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME TASTE IN CLOTHES AND SEEM LIKE A CLOSE-KNIT GROUP.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
GREAT. GOT ANY SPARE GUNS?