Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE GUN FROM A TANK.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH IT?
I'M INSTALLING IT ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR.
SLOW DRIVERS BOTHER ME.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
SAY GOODBYE TO THE PRIUS.

HOW YOU DOING, NEIGHBOR NANCY?

JUST GOT BACK FROM A LONG TRIP. NOW I'M CARRYING A FEW EXTRA POUNDS.

YOU DON'T LOOK VERY FAT.

BRITISH POUNDS. I FORGOT TO EXCHANGE THEM.

THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

LISTEN, KIM, IT HAS BEEN NICE MEETING YOU ON TINDER, BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DATE YOU. FOR ONE THING, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY LOVERS YOU HAD BEFORE ME.
FIFTEEN!
SERIOUSLY? IS THAT THE REAL NUMBER?
THIRTY!
THIRTY? THAT'S RIDICULOUS! WERE THEY JUST ONE-NIGHT FLINGS OR DID YOU ACTUALLY LOVE ANY OF THEM?
LOVE!
YEAH, RIGHT... YOU MUST THINK I'M SOME KIND OF IDIOT. SOME RUBE YOU CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE OF.
ADVANTAGE!
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, STOP SHOUTING. YOU JUST SHOOK THE WHOLE COUNTER... UNLESS THAT WAS AN EARTHQUAKE... WE DO LIVE ON A --
FAULT!
YOU'RE A --
TENNIS UMPIRE.
HEY, CAN I BORROW A --
MATCH!

PIG, THIS IS SENATOR BON WOW.
HE REPRESENTS US IN CONGRESS AND HE'S AGREED TO VOTE YES ON AN ENVIRONMENTAL BILL THAT WILL CLEAN UP OUR CITY.
YES
DOGGIE TREATS FOR A 'NO'.
NO
HIS ETHICS ARE QUESTIONABLE.

WHAT'S THAT RECORD YOU HAVE THERE?
OH, THAT OLD '70s SONG "FEELINGS." I'M TAKING IT TO THIS GIRL I'M FRIENDS WITH.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
TO MEET THIS GIRL. I HAVE "FEELINGS" FOR HER.
SHE MUST NOT LIKE '70s MUSIC.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, DAD?
Is special helmet designed to bash down zeeba door. He gonna be so interemidated, he problee juss open door.
SUPPUS HAIR DRYER FROM THE BEAUTY SHOP?
AT LEAST HE'LL LOOK PRETTY.

IT'S SO DEPRESSING TO LOOK AROUND AND SEE HOW DUMB MOST PEOPLE ARE.
YOU DO REALIZE THAT IF YOU'RE EVER ACCUSED OF A CRIME, IT WILL BE TWELVE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IN PRISON.
READ BOOKS.

CHECK OUT MY EAR GAUGES. I GRADUALLY STRETCHED OUT MY EAR LOBES UNTIL THEY COULD FIT THESE HUGE HOOPS THAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN INDIVIDUALISTIC REBEL.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO THAT.
MINE COME WITH DOLPHINS.

CAN I GET A LARGE COFFEE?
YOU WANT ROOM FOR CREAM?
I HARDLY THINK THAT CUP COULD HOLD ERIC CLAPTON, JACK BRUCE AND GINGER BAKER.
DOES IT HURT YOU WHEN THEY CRINGE AND WALK AWAY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY TRAIN SET.
I THINK THE GUY ON THE TRAIN PLATFORM FELL OVER.
YEAH. HE TRIPPED ON A SMALL CRACK.
UH-OH... HERE COMES LARRY LAWYER. HE'S GONNA SUE THE TRAIN COMPANY, THE STATION OWNER, AND THE CITY.
LARRY WINS!! THE TRAIN COMPANY GOES OUT OF BUSINESS! THE STATION SHUTS DOWN!
THE CITY GOES BANKRUPT! ALL THE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS!
LARRY WENT TO LAW SCHOOL TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT?
GREAT. HE GOT ALL THE MONEY.

HEY, PIG, HOW'S YOUR SATURDAY GOING?
GREAT. WE HAVE A HUGE LEAK IN OUR ROOF AND THE WATER IS JUST POURING IN.
WHY IS THAT GREAT?
I NO LONGER HAVE TO WATER OUR INDOOR PLANTS!
NOW THAT'S AN OPTIMIST.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
WIMBLEDON.
WHAT’S WIMBLEDON?
THIS TENNIS MATCH WHERE THE PLAYERS PLAY ON GRASS.
DRUG LEGALIZATION IS OUT OF CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
ANALYZING ALL OF MY FAILED ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS TO DETERMINE IF THERE WERE ANY FACTORS COMMON TO EACH OF THEM.
HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING?
ME
HOW DO I BREAK UP WITH ME?

GOAT SAYS YOU HAD SURGERY TO REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
YES. A FILTERECTOMY.
HAS ANYONE ELSE EVER HAD THE SURGERY?
JUST ONE GUY. BUT HE ASKED ME NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
THERE WAS BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER EYES... BLOOD COMING OUT OF HER... WHEREVER.
EWWW.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY, RAT?
JUST ONCE. I HAD A FILTERECTOMY.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHERE THEY REMOVE THE FILTER BETWEEN YOUR BRAIN AND YOUR MOUTH.
AND NOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.
IF IT POPS IN HERE, IT POPS OUT OF HERE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO, MA'AM. I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AND I'D LIKE YOUR VOTE.
I'M NOT BIG ON VOTING.
DO YOU LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE VOTING IS LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES. YOU SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF AND HOPE WHAT COMES NEXT DOESN'T SUCK.
YOU'RE REALLY NOT HELPING.
OH, AND THEY'RE BOTH FILLED WITH RIDICULOUS FANTASY.

THE SUNDAY PAPER IS TRADITIONALLY KNOWN FOR ITS MANY COUPONS. BUT DO YOU REALLY NEED ANOTHER CHEAP HAM? SO TODAY WE OFFER YOU COUPONS YOU CAN REALLY USE.
ONE FREE PUNCH TO THE HEAD
to anyone non-blind person who wears their sunglasses indoors.
NO ONE CARES
ONE FREE POP IN THE NOSE
to anyone who thinks I care about what kind of luxury sedan they bought.
ONE FREE KICK TO THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS
who asks my poor city to pay for his new stadium
ONE FREE WAKE-UP CALL
to the Facebook friend who posts endless photos of themselves and their boyfriend or girlfriend on Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, or any other annoying event that I did not attend.
AN EVEN BIGGER WAKE-UP CALL
to the Twitter friend who keeps posting their political opinion.
I muted you a long time ago.
ONE FREE BAT TO THE HEAD
to any cartoonist who thinks it's clever or original to make himself a character in his own comic strip
WAS THAT LAST ONE REALLY NECESSARY?
HOLD OUT YOUR ARM.
HE HAS A COUPON.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, ROB. HE JUST TOOK HIS MOM TO SEE SOME OF THE WORK HE HAS HANGING IN THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART.
WOW, A FAMOUS ARTIST! WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU DO?
PICTURE FRAMES.
OH.
IT'S STILL A SKILL!
I'M STILL PROUD!

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU TWO
HOW 'BOUT A COUPLE OF WHITE RUSSIANS?
NO RUSSIAN LOOKS LIKE THAT.
BEST I COULD DO.

SO THEN YOU JUST TAKE THE TWO, ADD IT TO THE FIVE, AND TA-DAAAA… YOU GET SEVEN.
WOW!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
EXPLAINING EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF RELATIVITY TO PIG.
THAT'S BASIC MATH.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN THE MYSTIQUE I HAVE AMONG MY DUMBER FRIENDS.
SO HAVE YOU WON A NOBEL PRIZE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING A FUNERAL FOR THE WORD 'SAID'.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORD 'SAID'?
SO THE RAT GOES, 'COME TO THE FUNERAL.' AND I'M LIKE 'WHY?' AND HE'S ALL, 'YOU'LL SEE.'
NEVER MIND.

SOMETIMES I HOPE THAT SOME ALIEN PLANET ATTACKS US SO THAT EVERYONE ON EARTH HAS TO WORK TOGETHER AND PUT ASIDE ALL THE SILLY BELIEFS THAT DIVIDE US.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT, PIG.
SORT OF LIKE HOW THE FONZ AND MR. KOTTER AND CHARLIE'S ANGELS ALL PLAYED FOR THE SAME TEAM ON "BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS!"
BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT RUINED.
WEREN'T C.B.S. AND N.B.C. BATTLING AGAINST THEM?
OH, I HATED C.B.S.!

WHAT'S WITH THE RING?
IT'S FROM COLLEGE. I WEAR IT SO THAT WHEREVER I GO, I CARRY A MEMENTO OF WHERE I SPENT THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
YEAH. WHAT WOULD IT BE FOR YOU?
YOUR BARSTOOL DOESN'T COUNT.
IT IS A LITTLE HEAVY.

HEY, BENNY THE BEACH BUM, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. JUST SITTING HERE ON THE BEACH.
DON'T YOU EVER HAVE ANY AMBITION TO DO ANYTHING?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE GETTING A JOB.
WHY?
TO MAKE MONEY.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN BUILD UP YOUR SAVINGS AND ONE DAY RETIRE.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT... YOU KNOW, RELAX, HANG OUT... SIT ON THE BEACH.
YOU'RE THE MOST BRILLIANT HUMAN ALIVE.

LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD'S BEES ARE DYING OFF. THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT MEANS NO MORE BEE STINGS.
NO BEES -- NO POLLINATION. NO POLLINATION -- NO FOOD SUPPLY. NO FOOD SUPPLY -- WE ALL DIE.
YOU ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.