Pearls Before Swine | Search

I STARTED A NEW BUSINESS.

DOING WHAT?
I SELL PEOPLE THEIR OWN CANNING MACHINE AND A SUPPLY OF FRUIT PICKED IN THE AFRICAN SAVANNA.
WHAT KIND OF FRUIT?
MOSTLY BANANAS, WHICH THEY CAN THEMSELVES.
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEM?
SELL THEM IN COVERED LITTLE PRODUCE HUTS BUT SOME CITIES WANT TO BAN THE STRUCTURE.
WHY?
I DUNNO. BUT TO HELP MY CHANCES, I GOT A CELEBRITY PARTNER TO PUT HER NAME ON THE BUSINESS. IT'S THAT WOMAN WHO TURNS THE LETTERS ON 'WHEEL OF FORTUNE' NOW THE CITIES WON'T DO WHAT THEY'RE THREATENING TO DO.
WHAT ARE CITIES THREATENING TO DO?
BAN A 'VANNA CAN A SAVANNA BANANA' CABANA.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, ANOTHER SUNDAY IS RUINED.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
LAST NIGHT MY WIFE TOLD ME SHE HAD A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. THEN SHE SAID OUR FAMILY WAS ABOUT TO GROW A LITTLE BIT LARGER.
WOW... AND WHAT'D YOU SAY?
THAT I THOUGHT WE WERE FAT ENOUGH ALREADY.
I THINK I RUINED A MOMENT.

HEY, 'PEARLS' IS GONNA BE PUBLISHED IN A BUNCH OF UNIVERSITY NEWSPAPERS THIS WEEK.
THAT'S TERRIFIC. UNIVERSITIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BASTION OF FREE SPEECH WHERE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT REMOVED AND REMOVED EVEN IF YOU'RE A REMOVED WHO LIKES REMOVED OR DOESN'T LIKE REMOVED.
UH... WHAT HAPPENED TO UNIVERSITIES?
WE RAISED A FEW OVER- SENSITIVE NINNIES?
BAN THAT!

I HEARD YOU INVITED SOME WOMEN OVER FOR A BIG DANCE PARTY LAST WEEKEND. HOW’D IT GO?
NOT WELL. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. MAYBE THE MUSIC.
WHAT’D YOU PLAY?
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S “NEBRASKA.”
IS CRYING COMMON AT DANCE PARTIES?

WHAT'S ALL THIS, RAT?
IT'S A VOTING BOOTH THAT I SET UP FOR THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
BUT IT'S JUST A BRICK WALL.
YEAH. YOU BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST IT UNTIL YOU FALL UNCONSCIOUS AND MISS THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
WAH-WAH-WAH-WHAM!
LOOK. OUR FIRST SATISFIED CUSTOMER.
CAN I BE NEXT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOAT'S LAUNDRY. HIS WASHING MACHINE BROKE. HE ASKED ME TO SEPARATE OUT THE WHITES, BUT I DIDN'T.
WHY NOT?
I WON'T TOLERATE RACISM.
YOU'VE RUINED HIS CLOTHES.
GOOD. RACIST LITTLE UNDERWEAR.

IT'S BEEN A GREAT TELECONFERENCE, LOU. NOW AS TO THE LAST ITEM ON YOUR AGENDA. HOW 'BOUT WE PUT A PIN IN IT FOR NOW.?
HOW 'BOUT I JAM THIS PIN IN YOUR G#%@ FOR USING THAT STUPID EXPRESSION.?
YOWWWWWWWWW
IT'S A POWERFUL DISINCENTIVE.

THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO DIE IN THIS WORLD, THOUGHT ANGRY BOB.
AND I DO NOT WANT TO DIE.
SO ANGRY BOB ATTENDED A SAFETY SEMINAR AT HIS LOCAL FIRE DEPARTMENT AND LEARNED ABOUT VARIOUS FIRE DANGERS. LIKE NOT CLEANING YOUR DRYER'S LINT SCREEN.
AND SO BOB WENT HOME AND DILIGENTLY CLEANED HIS LINT SCREEN.
AND WENT TO SLEEP HAPPY.
AND THAT NIGHT, THE DISCARDED LINT RE-FORMED ITSELF INTO LINTZILLA.
AND SUFFOCATED BOB IN HIS SLEEP.
SO NEVER CLEAN YOUR LINT SCREEN.
DO NOT TELL PEOPLE THAT.
THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO DIE!

RAT AT THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
CANDIDATE RAT, IF YOU COULD PLEASE SUM UP WHY YOU ARE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN UNDER FIFTY WORDS.
SURE.
THIS CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
YOU CAN STOP NOW.
AND GOD BLESS ME.

So neighbor Bob, what’s new?
I’m training for a triathlon.
I think you told us that five minutes ago. So how’s your family?
Good, but not as good as me. I’m training for a triathlon.
Right. I know. So do you want a beer?
Can’t. I’m training for a triathlon.
All triathletes should be punched in the head.
Gotta go. I’m training for a triathlon.

HEY, NEIGH-BOR BOB, WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO?
I'M THE PRESIDENT OF A NEW COMPANY I JUST FORMED TO FIX DENTED CARS.
HOW IS IT GOING?
GOOD. WE INVENTED THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY WHERE WE SIMPLY PRESS THE DENT BACK OUT FROM THE INSIDE OF THE CAR.
HEY, SINCE I KNOW YOU, COULD I GET A BIT OF A PRESIDENT'S DISCOUNT?
I DON'T KNOW. THAT COULD SET A BAD PRESIDENT PRESS-A-DENT
PRECEDENT.
THIS STRIP NEEDS REPAIRS.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN
COME OVER AND HELP ME
ASSEMBLE A PIECE OF
FURNITURE?
LOVE TO.
BUT I KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT
ASSEMBLING
FURNITURE.
DO YOU FEIGN IGNORANCE FOR
EVERY SINGLE TASK YOU DON'T
WANT TO DO?
THE WORLD IS ON TO ME.

Okay, zeeba... Croc master helium balloon. Bob gonna float to top of you house. Go down chimney.
HOW WILL YOU MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T JUST FLOAT AWAY?
You jinx Bob.

I CAN NEVER REMEMBER TO TURN OFF THE HEATER WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE, SO I STARTED TO REMIND MYSELF WITH STICKY NOTES.
DID THAT WORK?
NO, SO I STARTED PUTTING THE STICKY NOTE ON THE FRONT DOOR SO I'D SEE IT WHEN I WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE.
AND DID THAT WORK?
NO, SO NOW I'VE DESIGNED THIS HEADBAND THAT HOLDS THE STICKY NOTE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
AND NOW YOU CAN REMEMBER?
REMEMBER WHAT?
GET HELP.

SMITH
1902-1982
Established first state orphanage
WILLIAMS
1910-1974
Philanthropist and inventor of 12 life-saving vaccines
COOPER
1922-1971
Founder of Metropolitan Art Museum
JONES
1905-1982
Builder of world's largest suspension bridge
JOHNSON
1946-2016
Had 58 Twitter followers
The recent ones depress me.
WHOA. LOOK AT ALL THIS GUY'S FACEBOOK LIKES.

THE GOOGLE STREET-VIEW TRUCK CAME DOWN OUR STREET TODAY.
OH, THAT'S THE ONE THAT TAKES PHOTOS SO YOU CAN SEE JUST ABOUT ANY HOUSE IN AMERICA. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
I WAS SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE.
MAY NO ONE EVER LOOK UP OUR STREET AGAIN.
HEY... SHRINKAGE HAPPENS.

WE'VE BEEN DATING A LONG TIME, PIGITA. I THINK YOU ARE GREAT. AND I'D LIKE TO MARRY YOU.
OH MY GOD, PIG. REALLY?
APRIL FOOLS!
SOME APRIL FOOLS JOKES WORK BETTER THAN OTHERS.

BOOO
BOOO
BOOO
BOOOO
"nature abhors a vacuum."
BOOOOO

HOW GOES YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT?
GOOD. I HAVE A NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "GET UP AND GO."
AS IN, IF YOU WIN, WE SHOULD ALL WORK TOGETHER ENERGETICALLY TO GET STUFF DONE?
AS IN, IF I LOSE, WE SHOULD ALL GET UP AND GO TO CANADA.
IF YOU WIN, I WILL GO TO CANADA.
MY DRONES WILL TRACK YOU DOWN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. THOUGHT I’D STOP BY AND SEE HOW YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE DOING.
THE ANGELS TOOK HER.
OH, MY GOD. SHE DIED?
NO, NO. THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS GAVE HER A STADIUM JOB.
I NEED TO FIND A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT.

THIS UNIVERSITY DIDN'T LIKE THIS COMEDIAN'S VIEWS ON RELIGION, SO THEY CIRCULATED A PETITION TO STOP HIM FROM SPEAKING.
I THOUGHT THE ANSWER TO SPEECH WE DIDN'T LIKE WAS MORE SPEECH. NOT BANNING THE SPEAKER.
STOP BEING INTOLERANT.

Henry
Hippo
checked his
texts.
There
were
none.
So he
checked
Facebook.
And his
fantasy
league.
And
Snapchat.
And Twitter.
And checked
his texts
again.
And there
was
one.
From
Elly
Elephant.
Are we still on a date?
Elly Elephant
vowed to never
again date in the
smartphone era.

WELL, WELL, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE MY RUDE, INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOR IS ACTUALLY IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY. MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY SIT NEXT TO YOU.
THWACK
ALWAYS MASK YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS.

AND SO I WANT TO BUILD A VERY,
VERY BIG WALL ON OUR BORDER TO
KEEP OUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
REPRESENT OUR VALUES AND MAY DO
HARM TO OUR COUNTRY.
SO WHICH SIDE OF THE WALL
WILL YOU BE ON? :)
AND SMART-@## REPORTERS
WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

I WANT TO START A BASEBALL LEAGUE FOR AT-RISK YOUTH BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT REQUIRES.
THAT TAKES HELMETS. BATS. GLOVES.
I DON'T HAVE ALL THAT. WHAT IF I JUST START A DODGEBALL LEAGUE SO THEY CAN TAKE OUT THEIR ANGER IN A SAFE, CONSTRUCTIVE WAY THAT HOPEFULLY DOESN'T LEAD TO MORE VIOLENCE?
THAT JUST TAKES BALLS.
OH, AREN'T YOU CUTE.
WHAT? DODGEBALL REQUIRES BALLS.
BIG ONES, IN FACT.