Pearls Before Swine | Search

EVERY TIME I GET DEPRESSED ABOUT PEOPLE'S INTELLIGENCE,
I SEE A STORY THAT GIVES ME REAL HOPE.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THIS STORY.
IT SAYS BOOK SALES ARE UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NINE YEARS.
WHAT'S DRIVING THE SALES?
HISTORY BOOKS?
SCIENCE BOOKS?
ADULT COLORING BOOKS.
WE'RE DOOMED.
LOOK.
READING LEARNS ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HANG ON, DUDE. THERE'S A POKÉMON ON YOUR HEAD.
DIE, POKÉMON, DIE!!
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW POKÉMON WORKS.
OH. TELL ME THE RULES AGAIN.

HONEY... WHO THE HECK IS THAT?
NO IDEA.
SIR... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM?
SORRY. THE MAP SHOWS THERE'S A POKEMON IN HERE.
THIS MIGHT BE THE WORST TREND EVER.
DON'T MOVE. HE'S ON YOUR WIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me reel estate guy. Sell homes. Okay, shut mouf now. Me work.
HI. MY PRIDE OF LIONS WANTS TO MOVE INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
Me sorry. House no good for you.
HI. MY CHEETAH FAMILY-
Too bad. You no qualify for loan.
HI. WE BENGAL TIGERS-
Sorry. House no longer on market.
DAD, YOU'RE BLATANTLY DISCRIMINATING AGAINST OTHER SPECIES WHO WOULD COMPETE WITH YOU FOR PREY.
Whuh? Me no dis-criminate.
HI. MY FAT. MERRY FAMILY OF LIMPING IMPALAS ARE LOOKING FOR A HOME.
House free. Here keys.
I'M REPORTING YOU.
You want me coat you een butter for housewarming gift?

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, ROBERT. HE'S A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR WHO WRITES BOOKS.
MY CURRENT WORKS ON THE TREND TOWARD REDUCTION-ISM IN THE INSTITUTIONAL TRANSFORMATION OF THE EDUCATIONAL RESEARCH PARADIGM.

DO YOU KNOW YOU BORE OTHERS, OR IS YOUR HEAD SO FAR UP YOUR REAR THAT IT COMES AS A REVELATION?
LET'S MEET SOME DIFFERENT FRIENDS.
LOOK, THE SHEER WEIGHT OF YOUR BOREDOM HAS PINNED ME TO THE GROUND.

PIG AND I INSTALLED A PANIC ROOM IN OUR HOME.
ONE OF THOSE SAFE ROOMS YOU RETREAT TO IN CASE OF A HOME INVASION?
NO. JUST A PLACE TO PANIC.
OH MY GOD! MY LIFE IS FALLING APART!!
WE SHOULD SOUNDPROOF IT.

I'M STARTING A PAGEANT FOR WOMEN THIS YEAR. BUT IT'S NOT BASED ON THEIR LOOKS. IT'S BASED ON THEIR DEMEANOR.
GREAT, PIG.
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
MISS DEMEANOR 2016.
LET'S RE-THINK THIS.
DO FELONS QUALIFY?

Dear President Obama,
This country needs reform.
A whole lot of reform.
So I propose we start with the following new law:
The next hipster to make the peace sign in a photo gets both of those fingers fed to a wolverine.
IT'S NICE TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION.

HEY
NEIGHBOR NANCY,
HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. MY UNCLE
JUST WROTE HIS LAST
WILL AND TESTAMENT
AND BEFORE I'M
ALLOWED TO INHERIT ANY
MONEY, I HAVE TO BE
WEIGHED TO MAKE SURE
I'M NOT FAT.
SOMEONE'S
GONNA
WEIGH
YOU?
YEP. JUST LIKE IN
HIS PRIOR WILL.
AND THE ONE
BEFORE THAT.
SO WHERE THERE'S A WILL,
THERE'S A WEIGH?
YOU'RE WEIGH OUT OF
CONTROL.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
SOME MOVIE ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE 1970s. BUT THEIR PLANE IS ON FIRE AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
THEIR PLANES NOT ON FIRE, PIG. THEY'RE ALL JUST SMOKING CIGARETTES.
HAAHAA... YOU'RE DUMBER THAN ME !! PEOPLE WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO SMOKE ON PLANES!!
LET ME EXPLAIN THE 70s.
AND HOW COME PEOPLE HAVE LEGROOM?

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.
JUST BREATHE.
DEEP, SLOW BREATHS.
JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.
VISUALIZE YOUR CERVIX OPENING.
DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN LABOR DAY TO HIM OR SHOULD I?
AND RUIN ALL THIS FUN? NO CHANCE.

YOU KNOW, RAT, YOU'RE A LITTLE OBNOXIOUS TO BE AROUND SOMETIMES.
IF YOU THINK IT'S HARD FOR YOU, IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME. I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM ME.
I'M NOT SURE WHETHER TO CONSOLE YOU OR FLEE.
FLEE. WITH MY KIND, ALWAYS FLEE.

HELLO, SIR... ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT MAKING A PURCHASE?
YEAH. BUT IT'S A BIG DECISION, SO I NEED SOME TIME TO SLEEP ON IT.
WE GET VERY TIRED OF THAT JOKE, SIR.
I WAS PRETTY PROUD OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
MY 3D TRIBUTE SCULPTURE TO THE LATE ACTRESS ANNIE MEARA. ALL OF THESE OBJECTS EMANATING FROM HER GIFTS TO THE WORLD, LIKE HUMOR, LAUGHTER, JOY.
HERE, TRY ON THESE 3D GLASSES. IT’LL LOOK LIKE THE OBJECTS ARE FLYING RIGHT AT YOU.
OUCH
BE CAREFUL. OBJECTS IN MEARA ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
THERE WILL BE NO TRIBUTE SCULPTURES TO YOU.

GOAT THINKS THAT IF COWS COULD WRITE POETRY, WE WOULDN’T KILL THEM AND EAT THEM.
 
I SUPPOSE THAT’S TRUE. HOW COULD WE DESTROY SUCH LITERARY TALENTS?
 
Roses is red, Violets is blue, Plees don't shoot, Moo moo moo mooooo.

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHY WE CHOOSE TO KILL CERTAIN ANIMALS AND LET OTHERS LIVE
HOW DO YOU MEAN
WELL IF COWS COULD WRITE POETRY WOULD WE STILL KILL THEM
I'D KILL THEM FASTER
SNOOTY COWS

RAT THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE:
THE OTHER CANDIDATES PROPOSE BUILDING WALLS TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. THAT IS STUPID, COSTLY, AND IMPRACTICAL.
SO INSTEAD, I PROPOSE THAT EVERY NON-AMERICAN IN THE WORLD BE FORCED TO WEAR A SHOCK COLLAR THAT WILL GO OFF IF THEY TRY TO ENTER OUR COUNTRY.
MOST DEPRESSING ELECTION EVER.
AND FOR THE FASHION-CONSCIOUS, THEY COME IN SIX ATTRACTIVE COLORS.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
'Cross start Releejun O' Love.'
THAT SOUNDS NICE. WHAT DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE?
Lemme ask God. He talk to me
ees special headphones.
God say,
'Keel evree one who no believee.'
THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR 'RELEEJUN O' LOVE' IS TO KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE?
HAHA. Yeah. God likee. My son idea.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK GOD REALLY TALKS TO YOU THROUGH THOSE HEADPHONES. I THINK YOU JUST USE GOD TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
Hang on.
God say 'Shut your fat face.'
THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST.
Okay, God add, 'Me gonna kee you een @#&*.'

PIG, THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR ED. HE'S MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS INVESTING IN HEDGE FUNDS.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THEY WERE WORTH THAT MUCH, I WOULD HAVE SPENT A LOT MORE TIME TRIMMING OURS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OVER.
I WILL CARVE THEM INTO LITTLE ANIMALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
GOAT MADE THIS BIG DIAGRAM OF HIS BRAIN, SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO DO ONE OF MY OWN BRAIN.
LEMME SEE YOURS.
SURE.
NOW I'M HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT OVERPOPULATION IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. AND IF PEOPLE WON'T SLOW DOWN THE BIRTH RATE, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO DO OTHER THINGS TO CONTROL THE POPULATION.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE HAND OUT FRIED FOOD AND CIGARETTES.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
OOH... A COUPON FOR A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M TIRED OF EVERY DAY BEING A COMMEMORATION OF SOMETHING. SO I DECLARE TODAY, AUGUST 24, INTERNATIONAL DAY THAT CELEBRATES NOTHING DAY.
CAN'T. IT'S 'WAFFLE DAY.'
WAFFLES HAVE THEIR OWN DAY?
TWO, ACTUALLY.
IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!

WHAT’S THAT, RAT
IT’S THE ALL-KNOWING EYE.
IT WATCHES EVERYTHING YOU DO. I SELL IT TO GOVERNMENTS AND EMPLOYERS AND RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS.
GEE, I DON’T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT.
IT’S OKAY, HONEY, IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
I SOLD ONE TO YOUR MOTHER.

I'M BRILLIANT.
BUT MY MOM'S NOT THAT SMART. AND MY DAD'S NOT THAT SMART.
DO YOU THINK ALIENS LEFT ME HERE AS A GIFT?
WHAT AN ENJOYABLE CONVERSATION.
I SHALL START WEARING A BOW.

RAT'S SOCIAL CUES FOR THE SOCIALLY INEPT
You may talk too much.
Shirts cannot be worn six days in a row.
Hey. It's me.
Met u at bar.
Hey. It's me again.
Hey. Wassup?
Hey...
She doesn't want to talk to you.
You do not bring added joy to the holidays.
That pick-up line was not effective.
My son did not fulfill expectations.
PRETTY BRILLIANT, HUH?