Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO'S THAT WOMAN, GOAT?
SHE'S THE SUPER OF MY BUILDING. SHE'S POSING FOR A PHOTO SHOOT TO BE USED IN OUR BUILDING BROCHURE.
SO SHE'S A MODEL?
YEAH. AND I'M ACTUALLY DATING HER.
WHO'S GOAT DATING?
A SUPER MODEL.
STUPID STEPHAN PUN.
HOW ELSE COULD GOAT DATE A SUPER-MODEL?
I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU PAY AT A GROCERY STORE, IS IT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO PUT THE DIVIDER IN FRONT OF YOUR FOOD OR BEHIND IT?
BEHIND.
IN FRONT.
CRACK
I LIKE TO THINK I'M CREATING A BETTER WORLD.

HEY, RAT, HOW COME
YOU'RE NOT HERE?
STUCK IN TRAFFIC… EITHER
THERE'S A WRECK JUST AHEAD,
OR THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY
PEOPLE DRIVING RIGHT NOW,
IN WHICH CASE IT COULD BE
LIKE THIS THE WHOLE WAY.
WAIT… WAIT… IT'S A
BIG WRECK!! YESSS!!
SOMEWHERE WE LOST
OUR HUMANITY.

HI, RAT. I'M FATHER GEORGE FROM THE CORNER CHURCH. I NOTICE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU THERE LATELY.
I'VE BEEN BUSY.
WELL, YOU NEED TO START GOING REGULARLY. AND YOU NEED TO STOP ALL YOUR DRINKING AND SWEARING AND CAROUSING. THAT IS, IF YOU WANT TO GET INTO HEAVEN.
ARE THERE PEOPLE LIKE YOU THERE?
OF COURSE.
AND THAT'S WHEN I CHOSE A LIFE OF SIN.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, GOAT? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AND RON.
I WENT TO SEE THE AKIRA KUROSAWA FILM, RAN. THEY WERE SHOWING IT AGAIN AT THE THEATER, SO I RUSHED OVER THERE.
YOU DID WHAT?
I RAN TO THE RE-RUN OF RAN, RON.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, BUT I HATE YOU.

I think I talk too much.
WELL, GOD GAVE US TWO EARS AND ONE MOUTH SO WE COULD LISTEN TWICE AS MUCH AS WE SPEAK.
AND HE GAVE ME TEN KNUCKLES SO I COULD PUNCH FIVE TIMES AS MUCH AS I LISTEN.
SO VIOLENCE IS THE ANSWER.
NO.
YES. IT'S HOW WE STOP STUPID EXPRESSIONS.

HEY, LITTLE BO PEEP.
HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M TIRED OF LOSING MY @#$% SHEEP.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M WRITING DOWN ALL OF THEIR NAMES ON A SHEET OF PAPER.
DOES THAT HELP?
YEAH. BECAUSE NOW I JUST DO A ROLL CALL AND IMMEDIATELY FIND OUT WHO'S MISSING.
WOW. CAN I SEE YOU DO IT?
SURE…I…WHAT THE… I CAN'T FIND THE @#$% THING. OH @#$%^*@#$@#%@#$@#$
LITTLE BO PEEP HAS LOST HER SHEET.
EWE OFFENDED US.

PIG, ARE YOU STILL LISTENING TO THE BEATLES? YOU HAVEN'T MOVED FOR THREE DAYS.
I CAN'T HELP IT. THEY'RE SO GOOD.
I DON'T CARE. GET UP AND TAKE A BREAK. GO FOR A WALK. WRITE A LETTER TO SOMEONE. DO ANYTHING.
Dear Prudence,
Won't you come out to play?
IT'S NOT HELPING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE HERE TO WALK AROUND YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD AND GIVE YOU THE GOOD NEWS.
DID MY ANNOYING NEIGHBOR BOB FINALLY KICK THE BUCKET?
GOOD NEWS MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
MY HAMSTER DIED. SO I'M BURYING HIM IN A SHOEBOX.
WHAT A SAD LIFE. HE LIVED. HE DIED. HE GETS BURIED IN A BOX.
PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME THAT I'M JUST LIKE A HAMSTER.
FINE. YOU WEAR A HAT.
AND YOU'RE FATTER.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
AT A PORT IN ALABAMA.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
FILLING UP MY TANK AT THIS GAS STATION. THEY'RE GIVING OUT FREE PRIZES, LIKE CELL PHONES AND THIS BALANCING THINGIE.
HEY, PIG. WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
THE MOBILE MOBILE'S MOBILE AND MOBILE.
TIME TO CALL IT A CAREER.

THIS DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWAL FORM HAS A BOX ASKING ME IF I WANT TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.
OF COURSE YOU SHOULD BE.
OKAY.
SPLORT
GOSCH
SPLORT
I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO IMMEDIATE.

HEY, GOAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND.
AND THE O.C.D. THERE IS FOR OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER?
NO, BUT I MAKE SIX FIGURES. MY CAR ENGINE IS HUGE. AND MY BOAT IS ENORMOUS.
OVERCOMPENSATING DUDE.
DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I MAKE?
YES.

LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE. I THINK IT'S CALLED ZORBING. IT'S MADE UP OF THESE BIG ORBS AND ROLL DOWNHILL.
HOW FUN!
YEAH. HEP'S TAKE MY MIND OFF EVERYTHING.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
EVERYTHING. WE'RE ALL SO DIVIDED NOW AND THERE JUST SEEMS NO WAY OUT.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEM IS HOW WE GET ALL OUR NEWS. I USED TO READ THE NEWSPAPERS GIVE IT TO US- GOOD, BAD, WHATEVER.
BUT NOW MOST OF US GET OUR NEWS FROM OUR FACEBOOK AND TWITTER FEEDS IN HERE WE CAN TAILOR OUR NEWS TO REINFORCE WHAT WE BELIEVE AND KEEP OUT WHAT WE DON'T.
AND THE RESULT IS THAT EACH OF US IS JUST LIVING IN OUR OWN LITTLE BUBBLE.
OH GOD.
OBAMA'S A MUSLIM!
TRUMP'S A FASCIST!
THEY'RE NOT ZORBING, ARE THEY?
WAKE ME IN A DECADE.
GODFATHER III WAS A GREAT FILM.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, DOUG. HE WORKS FOR A THINK TANK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
I FEAR THOSE.
WHY IS THAT?
THEY'RE LIKE SMART CARS, ONLY DEADLIER.
I ...
DON'T BOTHER.
STUPID TECHNOLOGY.

NO MATTER WHAT I DO IN LIFE, THERE'S THIS HOLE INSIDE ME AND IT NEVER GETS FILLED. NOT BY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. NOT BY ACCLAIM. NOT BY RESPECT.
I FILL MINE WITH CHEESE PUFFS.
I DON'T THINK THAT WORKS.
I DUNNO. MINE IS PRETTY FULL.

I SEARCHED FOR "STEPHAN PASTIS" ON FACEBOOK AND I THINK I FOUND YOU.
YEAH... I JUST POSTED ABOUT MY NEW BOOK TOUR.
I SAW THAT... SO THAT'S LIKE WHERE YOU GO TO PLACES AND MEET FANS AND SIGN BOOKS?
SURE IS.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M SEEING A LARGE, EMPTY ROOM WITH JUST YOU AND YOUR MOTHER.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, SHE HAS TO WASH HER HAIR THAT DAY.
WE ALL DO.
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE HAIR!

HEY, RAT, I WENT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM TO WATCH T.V., BUT THERE'S SOMEBODY ON YOUR COUCH.
THAT'S MY PERSONAL TRAINER.
MY PERSONAL TRAINER NEEDS A PERSONAL TRAINER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
MY PERSONAL TRAINER, BENNIE. BENNIE'S DISCIPLINED APPROACH WILL HELP ME STICK TO A STRICT REGIMEN OF HEALTHY EATING AND STRENUOUS EXERCISE.
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW LET'S GET STARTED.
NAH. LET'S JUST SIT ON OUR @#*% AND DRINK BEER.
BENNIE MIGHT NOT BE MUCH HELP.

THE WOMAN WHO STARTED THE COMPANY I WORK AT CAME TO THE EMPLOYEE LUNCHROOM TODAY AND ORDERED FLOUNDER. BUT WHEN SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, HER MEAL WAS GONE.
DID SHE EVER FIND IT?
YEAH.
THE FOUNDER FOUND HER FLOUNDER.
FIND MEANINGFUL WORK.

DID YOU ORDER THE KABOOM HASH BROWNS?
NO. ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE BILL?
I'M LOOKING AT GILBERT'S BILL.
DID THEY OVER-CHARGE HER?
YES. IT'S THE CHIEF REASON I DON'T HEAR HER COME HERE ANYMORE.
WHY DO THEY TRY TO RAM THESE CHARGES DOWN YOUR THROAT?
IF YOU ARE AN EAGLE OR TITAN OF INDUSTRY...I THINK YOU'LL SURVIVE...THEY LIKELY RIPPED OFF HIS GIRLFRIEND.
HEY, I'M NO EAGLE...I'M A CARDINAL.
SURE. ITS PART OF BEING A CARDINAL...IT MAKES SENSE.
PLEASE. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO STEAL HER CASH AGAIN, PIG.
I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH, STAP. HER REAR OPENING WAS COOKING MY BRAIN AND HEARD YELLING.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU KNOW I GAVE HER STUFF, SHE HAD THAT LAPTOP.
HE'S VIN...JET BLACK HAIR AND MINI SHORTS AND RED SPOT ON JAGUAR OR FINANCIAL...OR WHATEVER YOU DRIVE AND GO.
TWENTY-SIX TO TWENTY-TWO...THREE N.F.L. TEAMS.
IS IT IN YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO OWN THIS?
IS IT YOUR TWENTY-

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
GODFATHER II. THIS IS THE PART WHERE MICHAEL IS ABOUT TO HAVE FREDO SHOT.
HE'S SHOOTING A HOBBIT?
HIS NAME'S FREDO, NOT FRODO.
HOBBITS AND ORGANIZED CRIME DO NOT MIX.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
LOOKING FOR ALIENS. NEIGHBOR BOB HAD ONE ON HIS HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S ALL IN THIS DOCUMENT HE SHOWED ME.
A LIEN. HE HAD A LIEN ON HIS HOUSE.
E.T., PHONE HOME!

When I die, give me a Viking funeral.
Lay your body on a burning boat and push it out to sea?
Yes, but I want all of you to join me on the boat.
But we don't want to die.
But I'd be gone.
Yes, and we'd still want to go on living.
That never once crossed my mind.

HEY, NEIGHBOR RON... HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. THIS IS MY DAD, RON SR. I HAVE TWO COUSINS NAMED RON ALSO.
POPULAR NAME?
IT RONS IN THE FAMILY.
WILL IT EVER END?
WHEN I RON OUT OF IDEAS.