Pearls Before Swine | Search

OUT OF MY WAY, GUYS. I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM.
THIS ISN'T A BATHROOM. IT'S JUST A ROOM FILLED WITH MEN.
SOME SIGNS ARE SURPRISINGLY LITERAL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. I CAN'T GET MY FOLKS TO EVER TAKE MY KIDS FOR THE DAY.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T KNOW. BUT IT'S RIDIC-
JUOUS. I MEAN, WHAT ELSE DO OLD PEOPLE HAVE TO DO ALL DAY? KNIT? SIT IN RECLINERS?
WATCH "JEOPARDY"?
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I STARTED A WEBSITE TO SELL GOODS TO OLDER PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE CLAPPER, LIFE ALERT, CANES, WALKERS.
THAT'S A LOT OF ITEMS CRAMMED ONTO ONE WEB PAGE.
YEAH, I KNOW. SO I HAD TO SHORTEN SOME OF THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTIONS.
I DON'T THINK I'D SAY, "GET THE CLAP."
YEAH, IT HASN'T SOLD WELL.

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
I WANT TO DROP MY KIDS OFF AT MY FOLKS'. I RANG THE DOORBELL, BUT MAYBE THEY CAN'T HEAR IT.
DID YOU TRY LOOKING IN THE WINDOW?
WE'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THIS.
BETTER THAN BEING WITH THOSE KIDS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED IN TOWN, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
TWO YEARS. WE MOVED HERE SO MY KIDS COULD BE CLOSER TO THEIR GRANDPARENTS. THEY JUST LOVE HAVING MY KIDS OVER.
NO, WE DON’T.
PARDON US FOR A MOMENT.
WE DREAD IT, REALLY.
LET US LIVE OUR GOSH DANG LIVES!

TECH SUPPORT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU. AGAIN.
YEAH. I'VE LOADED YOUR SOFTWARE ONTO MY COMPUTER AND NOW THE COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING AT ALL.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. LET'S SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
FINE.
OKAY, TO BEGIN, DID YOU PLUG IT IN.
PLUGGED IN? IS IT PLUGGED IN?
YES. SIR.
I'VE WAITED FORTY MINUTES ON HOLD SO THAT SOME TECH GUY COULD ASK ME THAT.
YES. SIR. IT'S A CHECK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
YEAH, WELL HERE'S MY CHECKLIST...
ITEM 1: STOP BUYING SOFTWARE FROM COMPANIES THAT TREAT ME LIKE A GOSH-DARN MORON!
ITEM 2: STOP WASTING FORTY MINUTES ON HOLD TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AS USELESS AS YOU!
SORRY, SIR, IT'S JUST OUR PROCEDURE THAT I

WHAT'S THAT?
NEW WATCH. I JUST BOUGHT IT.
YOU JUST GOT A FANCY WATCH TO SHOW OFF.
NO, I DIDN'T. I GOT IT BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD WATCH AND IT TELLS TIME WELL..
WANT TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

HOW COME YOU NEVER PLANT ANY COLORFUL FLOWERS IN YOUR BACKYARD, PIG?
BECAUSE THE DEER EAT THEM.
THE DEER EAT EVERYTHING?
IS THIS ALL YOU HAVE IN THE FRIDGE?
EVERYTHING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. HAVE YOU MET MY LI'L SCOUTS TROOP?
I SURE HAVEN'T. WHAT'S THAT LITTLE MERIT BADGE ON THEIR VEST FOR?
FIGHTING WITH CHAINS.
MAYBE THEY SHOULD WORK ON BUILDING CAMPFIRES INSTEAD.
OH, WE CAN BUILD FIRES.

HELLO?

HEY, GOAT... IT'S ME RAT... I'M JUST CALLING TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY'S NOT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO ME, SO THE ODDS ARE I'LL FORGET ON THE ACTUAL DAY.

THAT WAS ALMOST CONSIDERATE.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?

I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO BUILD A DAM ACROSS THE CREEK IN OUR BACKYARD, BUT NOW I'VE FLOODED EVERYTHING
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BUILDING DAMS?
NOTHING.
YOU DAM FOOL!
YOU ANGER ME TO NO END.
THIS STUPID DAM THING.

I DON'T MIND AMERICANS NOT BEING INFORMED.
BUT IS IT SO HARD TO REMEMBER THAT IF YOU LIKE TO DRIVE AT A RESPONSIBLE SPEED...
STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

Please note, fellow swine:
Residents of Florida shouldn’t try to bribe any politicians.
Hello, Senator. Here's a million dollars for your vote. I'd like to kill that banking bill that's hurting my business.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You have stated a quid pro quo. And that makes this ILLEGAL.
A quid pro what?
Quid pro quo. An explicit exchange of money for a favor. And that is illegal, immoral, and repulsive.
So now what?
So now, just like back in the old days, I'm supposed to donate a million dollars to my Super Pac.
Hello. I'd like to donate a million dollars to your Super Pac.
Hello, Mr. Swine. How is business?
Not good. There's a banking bill I don't like.
I don't like that bill either. I think I'll kill it.
And that was legal!
I THINK OUR SYSTEM NEEDS FIXING.
HOW MUCH MORE FIXED CAN IT GET?
YAY! THE SYSTEM IS FIXED! THE SYSTEM IS FIXED!!

THIS STRIP GIVES US A PLATFORM TO ADVOCATE. SO I SAY WE ADVOCATE.
FOR WHAT?
ELIMINATING V.D.
V.D.?
VALENTINE'S DAY. IT'S A STUPID HOLIDAY AND NOBODY LIKES IT.
NEXT TIME JUST SAY "VALENTINE'S DAY."
TOO LATE. I'VE MADE SIGNS.

HOW DO
YOU KNOW IF
YOU'RE A
NARCISSIST?
IF AT LEAST
FIFTY PERCENT
OF YOUR PHOTOS
ON FACEBOOK
ARE OF YOUR
OWN FACE.
WHAT IF IT'S
A HUNDRED
PERCENT?
TELL
ME
YOU'RE
KIDDING.
OH, WAIT...
THERE'S SOME
LOSER IN
THE BACKGROUND
HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, DAD?
Mom want ree-new
wedding vows.
So me writing
what me gonna
say.
THAT'S
WONDERFUL,
DAD.
LET'S HEAR
IT.
"Me, Larry,
ees take wife
to have and
to hold..."
"For better or worse,
or much worse,
which ees how
it usually ees."
UH...
DAD.
"But being
meserable
ees okay,
because one
day me die."

DID YOU LOCK YOUR CAR?
YEAH... SEE, IF I PRESS THE LOCK BUTTON A SECOND TIME, IT HONKS TO TELL ME IT'S LOCKED.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU PRESS IT A THIRD TIME?
CHILL, YOU ANAL-RETENTIVE WEIRDO
A FOURTH TIME COULD BE INTERESTING.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOAT?
A TARDIGRADE. THEY'RE MICRO-ANIMALS THAT CAN SURVIVE AND ADAPT TO ANYTHING-- ABSOLUTE ZERO TEMPERATURES, BOILING TEMPERATURES, EXTREMELY HIGH PRESSURE, MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF RADIATION.
SMOOSH
AND YET HE STRUGGLES TO FIGURE OUT THE SHOE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. YOU’RE MISTER BROWN. YOU TAUGHT ME ALGEBRA IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SO?
SO? I HAVE SOME ALGEBRA FOR YOU.
IN THE 7,649 DAYS THAT HAVE PASSED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, I HAVE NOT USED ALGEBRA ONE @#$%^& TIME.
THAT WASN’T REALLY ALGEBRA.
IT WAS STILL CATHARTIC.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WHY IS WENDY'S CLOSED?
I NEED MY FISSION BURGER.
WE LOST OUR BEST SECURITY GUARD, FRED.
SO UNTIL WE FIND ANOTHER GUY AS GOOD AS FRED,
WE CAN'T RE-OPEN.
BUT WHAT'S SO VALUABLE THAT YOU NEED A SECURITY GUARD?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, WE HAVE SOME VERY
VALUABLE REAMS OF PAPER.
TO KEEP TRACK OF OUR
NUCLEAR FISSION EXPERIMENTS.
WE DO THAT HERE, TOO.
SO WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS NO BURGERS FOR YOU UNTIL YOU DOLTS WANT TO
BE A SECURITY GUARD.
WENDY'S, LET ME IN.
I WAHT TO BE YOUR FRED.
I WANT TO GUARD YOUR REAMS AND FISSIONS.
BABY, I WAS BORN TO PUN.

ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHEN I WANT TO JUDGE OTHERS OR FEAR IMPENDING DEATH.
I THINK THAT'S CALLED OPPORTUNISM.
THEN IT'S PATRON SAINT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
I'M DESIGNING A LONG BOW WITH A UNIQUE SHAPE. I'M EVEN GETTING CELEBRITY ATHLETES TO PUT THEIR NAME ON IT.
LIKE WHO?
FORMER N.F.L. STARS BO JACKSON AND HOWIE LONG. THEY ALL LIKE ITS UNIQUE OBOING SHAPE. NOW I JUST NEED A NAME FOR IT.
THE BO LONG OBOING LONG BOW?
KEEP ME OUT OF THESE.

OKAY, soumon... First you serve Larry TOFU. Den VEGGIE BURGER. Ees you TRING lose Larry man card forever?
Fine. So tell me, LARRY, what exactly is an acceptable meal for your stupid man card?
Well, you know how at end of movies, it say, No aeenmals was harmed in making of dis film?
YEAH.
HARM SOME AEENMALS!
Here..Do animal crackers count?

Hey, larry, word ees you get caught eating tofu.
Yeah. Dey ees call you TOFU larry.
Stoopid wife serve. But me no eat. Look, she put note in larry lunch to apoleegize.
DEAR LARRY,
ENJOY YOUR VEGGIE BURGER!
Dis look bad, Larry.
Hey, look. Bag fit on head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WAITING FOR PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL...
IF HE COMES OUT OF HIS HOLE AND SEES HIS SHADOW, THERE ARE SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER. BUT IF HE COMES OUT AND SEES NO SHADOW, IT WILL BE AN EARLY SPRING...
AAAAHHHH!
PHIL!
THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL.