Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Playing lottery. Larry Teeter got all six numbers dis time.
Did the odds of you winning that are about one in fourteen million. That means you'd have to buy 1,000 tickets a day for the next 40 years to have an even chance. Do you understand what that means?
Yeah. It mean Larry stoopid.
Well, it doesn’t make you stupid. It just means...
Larry got go store. Buy 999 more teekets.
NO.
Hey, mommun, household budget gonna change.

YOU JUST REACHED FOR THOSE CHIPS WITH YOUR HAND WHEN YOU COULD HAVE VERY EASILY USED THOSE TONGS.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
SO?
SO LOOK AT THE DEFINITION OF TONGS...
tongs
noun
the things you use
only when others
are looking
HOW COMFORTING.
REMEMBER - IF NO ONE'S THERE, TOUCHING'S FAIR.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
READING THIS BOOK BY A DOCTOR WHO KEPT TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO EUTHANIZE A HORSE.
I COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.
THAT WAS THE BOOK TITLE, WASN'T IT?
YEAH. SOMEONE REIN ME IN.

HEY, SAMMY SHEEP... WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
BAAAHHH... JUST PUTTING ON MY ACT WITH THIS FLY.
WHAT KIND OF ACT?
BAAAHHH... WELL, I PLAY VARIOUS SONGS ON MY HARMONICA AND THE FLY HUMS ALONG.
IS IT FUN?
BAAAHHH... NOT REALLY... BUT WE MAKE GOOD CASH.
HE MAKES GOOD CASH... I GET NOTHING.
BAAAHHH... YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU.
SCROOGE.
BAAAHHH... HUM. BUG.
YOU ARE TO SUNDAY MORNINGS WHAT SCROOGE IS TO CHRISTMAS.
AWWW... YOU FLATTER ME.

A SIGN IN THE BATHROOM SAYS TO NOT THROW FEMININE PRODUCTS IN THE TOILET. WHAT ARE FEMININE PRODUCTS?
I THINK THEY MEAN BRAS AND HIGH HEELS.
NO WONDER THEY CLOG THE TOILETS.
IT'S WHY WE NEED OUR OWN BATHROOMS.

NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE AREN'T INTIMATE AS OFTEN AS THEY USED TO BE.
GEE, RAT, THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL. HOW WOULD YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?
KISS HER, BOB.
NOT WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH IS FOR, PIG.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING YOU.
WHY?
I GOT APPOINTED TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH COMMITTEE.
WAS PIG DROPPED ON HIS HEAD AS A PIGLET?

HEARD THAT.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
GUITAR STORE. THIS GIRL I MET BROKE THE THIRD STRING ON HER GUITAR AND SHE NEEDS A NEW ONE.
WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING?
TO GET THIS GIRL A G-STRING.
THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I LOST MY ONLY TWITTER FOLLOWER.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA FLY TO WHEREVER HE LIVES AND WOO HIM BACK WITH CASH AND PERSONAL ATTENTION.
THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE.
GOOD QUOTE. I'LL TWEET THAT.

HEY, BEFORE YOU GO TO THE CONVENIENCE STORE FOR ME, CALL 'EM FIRST AND MAKE SURE THEY HAVE EVERYTHING ON MY LIST.
YOU WANT A DURACELL BATTERY?
YEAH. AND A MORTON SALT.
OKAY.
HI. I'M COMING TO YOUR STORE FOR A SALT AND BATTERY.
Beep Boop Beep
THEY DIDN'T RESPOND WELL.

A DAY IN THE LIFE
(CIRCA 1979)
I HAVE A FEW FREE
HOURS.
I'LL READ A BOOK!
I'LL VISIT A FRIEND!
I'LL PAINT A PICTURE!
A DAY IN THE
LIFE (CIRCA 2017)
I HAVE A FEW
FREE HOURS
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
CAT VIDEOS!
I'M GETTING
SAD.
WATCH
A CAT VIDEO.
HAHAHA!
FLUFFY KEEPS
FALLING OFF
THE COUCH!

WHY DO WE ALL TAKE SO MANY SELFIES ON OUR PHONES?
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND TO TAKE THE PHOTOS.
WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY FRIENDS AROUND?
BECAUSE WE SPEND ALL OUR TIME ON OUR PHONES.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?

GOODBYE, DAD. I LOVE YOU.
IT'S GREAT THAT YOU TELL HIM THAT. I USED TO SAY IT TO MY DAD AND IT WAS THE LAST THING I EVER SAID TO HIM ON THE PHONE.
OH, MY GOD. HE DIED?
NO. DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE RIVER.
HE WAS TOO CHEAP TO GET A NEW ONE.

Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
Rat:
You're stupid.
Bob10113:
You're stupid.
INTERNET COMMENT BOARDS ARE NOT THE MOST PRODUCTIVE USE OF ONE’S DAY.

I'VE READ THE LAST PAGE OF THIS BOOK FOUR TIMES. IT'S LIKE MY EYES SEE IT, BUT MY BRAIN ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
YEAH. THERE'S A SCIENTIFIC REASON FOR THAT.
WHAT IS IT?
SOMETIMES THE BRAIN GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR A BEER.
NO WONDER I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT.
AND YOURS MIGHT BE SNEAKING FRITOS.

WILL CRAM INTO VOLKSWAGEN FOR FOOD.
CIRCUS CLOSURES ARE AN UGLY THING.

LOOKS LIKE
THE CIRCUS
IS CLOSING
DOWN.
GOOD. I THOUGHT
THEY WERE VERY
CRUEL TO ALL THOSE
NOBLE, LIVING
CREATURES.
YEAH. YOU
MEAN THE
ELEPHANTS?
THE CLOWNS.
HOW THEY SHOVED
THEM INTO
TINY CARS.
YOU'RE
A BIT
CONFUSED.
CLOWNS
ARE ALMOST
HUMAN,
YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WEARING MY ANTI-GOVERNMENT
TIN FOIL HELMET. IT'S MEANT TO
DISRUPT ALL SURVEILLANCE
BY THE F.B.I., C.I.A., AND N.S.A.
DON'T YOU
THINK THAT'S
A LITTLE
PARANOID?
NO. GOVERNMENT IS BAD.
THEY SPY ON ALL OF US.
I SEE. AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY'D HAVE
TO PLANT A MICROPHONE ON EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF US, AND A CAMERA THAT CAN FOLLOW
US TO ANY LOCATION, AND A TRACKING DE-
VICE THAT KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THAT IS?
AND DO YOU REALIZE THEY ALREADY
HAVE ?
HOPE IT'S COMFORTABLE TO SLEEP IN.

THIS BOOK ON
OLYMPIC
MEDAL WINNERS
IS TERRIFIC.
OH, YEAH?
WHAT'S IN
THAT CHAPTER
THERE?
MARK
SPITZ.
ON
WHAT?
NOTHING.
DOES THAT
REALLY
DESERVE A
MEDAL?

THE PAPER SAYS THERE ARE
A LOT OF RELIGIOUS SECTS
IN OUR CITY WHO SHOULD
REALLY HAVE ROUND-THE-
CLOCK SECURITY PROTECTION.
DO THEY?
NO. VERY FEW
OF THEM CAN
AFFORD IT.
WOW. WE HAVE
A LOT OF
UNPROTECTED
SECTS.
STOP!
IT'S
A
HUGE
RISK.
WOULD IT
BE BETTER
TO HAVE
NO SECTS
AT ALL?

I GOT A JOB AT A 'NOT FOR PROFIT' CAFE.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT CHARITY DO THEY DONATE THEIR REVENUES TO?
NONE. THEY JUST DON'T MAKE A PROFIT.
RIGHT.
AND IF THEY DID, THEY SURE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO A DUMB CHARITY.

PIG. IF WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE.
THAT'S THE LAST STRAW.
FINE. WE'RE BREAKING UP.
JUST BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE LAST STRAW IN THE DISPENSER?
NEVER MIND.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE. NOW I WANT TO BREAK UP.

IN AN EFFORT TO MINIMIZE THE IMPACT OF ALL THE IDIOTS IN THE WORLD, I DECLARE TODAY, MAY 16, 'TRY NOT TO BE AS STUPID AS YOU NORMALLY ARE' DAY.
I DON'T LIKE TO THINK OF ANYONE AS IDIOTS, BECAUSE I THINK EVERY SINGLE HUMAN ON EARTH HAS VALUE AND SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE.
I SEE YOU'RE NOT OBSERVING THE HOLIDAY.

WHAT DID YOU GET YOUR MOM FOR MOTHER'S DAY?
NOTHING. I DON'T CELEBRATE CONVENTIONAL "HALLMARK" HOLIDAYS. INSTEAD, I MARK MY OWN MEANINGFUL DAYS ON THE CALENDAR.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE TODAY -- MAY 15. "GET AS DRUNK AS YOU CAN" DAY.
I'LL STICK TO TEA.
PLEASE. RESPECT MY CULTURAL TRADITIONS.

WHAT GROUP ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
GUESS WHO.
I DON’T KNOW.
I JUST TOLD YOU.
YOU SAID GUESS WHO.
RIGHT.
SO WHO?
NO.
WHO?
NOT WHO.
WHO?
THE BAND?
NOT THE BAND!
WHO IS NOT THE BAND?
RIGHT. ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO KNOW?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW THEM!
THEN LISTEN TO MORE OF THEM.
AAAAUGGGG GGGGGGG GGGGGHHHH!!
DO YOU GIVE UP?
YES!
NO.
GUESS WHO.