Pearls Before Swine | Search

Whuh for dinner,
wottom?
Well, Larry, since
you're unable to
catch a zebra,
we're having tofu.
TOFU?
Dat huge
insult to Larry
manhood.
EAT YOUR TOFU,
LARRY. IT'S NOT
LIKE ANYONE IS
GONNA SEE YOU.
Me turn
in man card
right now.
Hang on.
Me take photo for
Eenstagram.

HEY, STEPHAN, WHEN YOU LIVED IN THE
DORMS IN COLLEGE, DID IT BUG YOU
WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE TALKED ALL
THE TIME ON HIS CELL PHONE?
HE DIDN'T
HAVE ONE.
HE DIDN'T HAVE
ONE?
WHY NOT?
THEY DIDN'T
EXIST.
DIDN'T
EXIST?!
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
WHEN HE SKYPE'D
SOMEONE ON HIS
LAPTOP?
NO
LAPTOPS.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN NO
LAPTOPS? THEN
HOW DID YOU
SKYPE PEOPLE?
NO
SKYPE.
HOW COULD
YOU HAVE
NO SKYPE?
NO INTERNET FOR IT
TO RUN ON.
DUDE,
HOW OLD
ARE YOU?
TECHNOLOGY
MOVED
FAST!
NEED SOME
MAPLE SYRUP
FOR YOUR
LAPPS,
STEPH?

HEY, RAT. WELCOME TO MY COCKTAIL PARTY. CAN I GET YOU A BEVERAGE?
DUDE... TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'BEVERAGE.' JUST SAY 'DRINK' AND STOP BEING A HOITY TOITY FATFACE.
CAN I GET YOU A LIBATION?
CURSE YOUR SNOOTY FATFACE!

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, RAT?
SHOPPING. I GOT A LAZY SUSAN TO PUT ON OUR KITCHEN TABLE.
I'M NOT DOING A GOSH-DARN THING.
SUSAN HAS A VERY BAD ATTITUDE.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
JIM, "THE GUY WHO MAKES BAD
LIFE CHOICES!"
I'D TALK MORE, BUT I HAVE TO
CHEAT ON MY WIFE WITH HER
SISTER AND RIP OFF A BIKER GANG
IN A METHAMPHETAMINE DEAL.
HE'LL BE A SHORT TERM
CHARACTER.

HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK?
NOT GOOD. YOU'RE NOT BRUSHING ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT FLOSSING ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT COMING INTO THIS OFFICE ENOUGH.
YOU'RE A SAD DISAPPOINTMENT. A REAL PIECE OF G#%#. AND WHY YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS ME CONFOUNDS MY LARGE EGO AND HAIRY FOREARMS.
MUCH BETTER THAN MY LAST APPOINTMENT.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME TO MY DENTIST OFFICE, RAT?
YES.
THEN LET ME TELL YOU HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK.
OKAY.
MY HYGIENIST WILL CLEAN YOUR TEETH. AFTER THAT, I'LL SWOOP IN AND MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE, LAZY, AND DOOMED.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS HONESTY.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO COMMITTED MATRICIDE. SORRY...DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
NO.

Danny Donkey's girlfriend was angry.
ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON THE COUCH AND DRINK BEER.
So she gave him an ultimatum.
YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE AND PURSUE IT OR I'M LEAVING YOU.
"Here," she said, handing him an envelope. "Write down your passion and slip it in here, and in six weeks, we'll open the envelope and see if you've taken any concrete steps towards achieving your passion."
So Danny Donkey thought and thought.
But then nothing.
When the six weeks were up, OH, DANNY, YOU DID NOTHING TO PURSUE YOUR PASSION...THAT'S SO AWFUL...WHAT WAS IT, ANYWAYS?
Danny's girlfriend opened the envelope.
Sit on the couch and drink beer.
Danny's girlfriend left him anyways.
BUT HE PURSUED HIS PASSION!
LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR.
But then again.
BEING LAZY IS NOT A PASSION!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
LYING ON MY BACK WITH A BEER.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE IN THOUSANDS OF YEARS NOTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED WILL BE REMEMBERED, SO YOU CAN KILL YOURSELF TRYING TO ACHIEVE THINGS, OR YOU CAN DO THIS.
THOSE POOR ACHIEVERS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
IT'S THE NEW SMARTPHONE 6. IT JUST CAME OUT TODAY AND IT'S LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF THE 5.
SALE ON SMARTPHONES
SMARTPHONE 7 OUT TOMORRO
ALL NEW FEATURES!
FASTER!
TECH COMPANIES ARE EVIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THROWING AWAY OUR WATERMELONS. THEY WEIGH TOO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE REASON I WEIGH SO MUCH IS THAT I EAT FOOD THAT WEIGHS A LOT. SO FROM NOW ON, I'M ONLY GONNA EAT FOOD THAT IS LIGHT.
CHIPS, DONUTS, AND COTTON CANDY.
I'LL BE RAIL THIN IN NO TIME.

STEPHAN, YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWAL FORM CAME IN THE MAIL. I FILLED IT OUT AND MADE YOU AN ORGAN DONOR.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE I'M GIVING YOU AWAY, PIECE BY PIECE.
OUR MARRIAGE COULD BE HEALTHIER.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, I'LL WAIT 'TIL YOU DIE.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO MAKE YOUR FLIGHT MORE COMFORTABLE, PLEASE JUST LET US KNOW.
PLEASE PUT ALL THE BABIES IN A SOUNDPROOF BOX.
THEY NEVER MEAN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, RAT?
THIS STORY ON A LAW THAT THE STATE OF MISSOURI MAY OR MAY NOT PASS.
WHAT'S HOLDING THEM UP?
THEY ONLY WANT TO PASS IT IF OTHER STATES JOIN THEM IN PASSING SIMILAR LAWS AT THE SAME TIME.
MISSOURI LOVES COMPANY.
NO ONE WANTS YOUR COMPANY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
A LITTLE THOUGHT EXERCISE.
YOU WRITE DOWN EACH OF THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE ON THESE LITTLE CARDS. THEN YOU ELIMINATE ONE CARD AT A TIME UNTIL YOU GET TO THE ONE THING THAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU.
WHAT'S YOURS?
WOW. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH. HERE. TAKE SOME CARDS AND TRY IT YOURSELF.
CHEESE
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVE THESE DISCUSSIONS.
CHEESE CONQUERS ALL.

IF YOU COULD ELIMINATE ONE MALADY FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH, WHAT WOULD IT BE? :)
UNDERWEAR LABELS. THEY ANNOY THE @#$% OUT OF ME.
PERHAPS THINK MORE BROADLY.
FINE. SHIRT LABELS TOO.

LET’S CHANGE THE CHANNEL. I DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW.
I CAN’T FIND THE REMOTE.
OH, GOD. WHAT DO WE DO?
I KNOW.
THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.

HEY, CRASH TEST GUY. HOW'S WORK?
GOOD. BEEN MAKING A LOT OF PROGRESS LATELY. REALLY LEARNING THE JOB.
TERRIFIC. DO YOU THINK YOUR PROGRESS WILL CONTINUE?
NO. AT SOME POINT I'LL HIT A WALL.
THEY SHOULD USE YOU INSTEAD.

I SAT IN TRAFFIC FOR TWO HOURS THIS AFTERNOON. AS I DO EVERY DAY.
SO?
SO I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.
WHAT'S THAT?
COOL IT WITH THE BABIES!!!
FEEL BETTER?
SCREAMING IS THE NEXT BEST THING TO SOLVING PROBLEMS.

PIG REALLY HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER.
WHAT KIND OF CHIP?
COW CHIP. I FELL ASLEEP IN THE PASTURE.
YOU JUST KEEP GETTING CLASSIER.

COME TO OUR DEALERSHIP AND
CHECK OUT OUR TERRIFIC SELECTION
OF PRE-OWNED VEHICLES.
IT'S CALLED A USED CAR!!
I CAN'T TAKE
IT ANYMORE.
THE SANITATION ENGINEER IS AT THE DOOR. HE SAYS YOU CALLED HIM A GARBAGEMAN.

SO WHAT’D SHE SAY?
AND WHAT’D HE SAY?
I’M IN CONTINENT!!
HA HA HA HA HA
HEEEEEEEE! HEE HEE
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN SO IMPRESSED…
SHE DID BUY HIM DIAPERS.

I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE INTERNET IS BESIEGED BY PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO VENT ANONYMOUSLY.
SO?
SO TO MAKE THE INTERNET A KINDER PLACE, I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE THOSE PEOPLE AN ALTERNATIVE VENUE.
'MAD MEN' SUCKS AFTER SEASON FIVE.!!
NOT AS SATISFYING.
SHOUT LOUDER.

I THINK I JUST DID THE BEST WRITING OF MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, GOAT. POST IT ON THE INTERNET FOR ALL THE NICE PEOPLE TO SEE.
GOOD IDEA.
MEH
Embarrassing
TRY MUCH??
#%&!$ you, poser.
YOU SUCK, BRO
DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!!!!!!
Crap
WHAT THE
I’VE MET NICER PEOPLE IN A PRISON RIOT.
OH, YEAH. PRISONS MUCH FRIENDLIER.