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THIS IDIOT CARTOONIST NAMED MATT WUERKER DID A CARTOON MAKING FUN OF ME. IS HE ALLOWED TO DO THAT?
YES, SIR. THAT'S HIS FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT.
OH.
WHY?
Hey, @wuerker, @CIA coming over to punch U in face
NOT AN OPTION, SIR.
OH... WELL, CAN THE F.B.I. KICK HIM IN THE HOO-HA'S?

'LOVE IS LIKE MAYONNAISE'
'AT FIRST IT'S GOOD. THEN IT GOES BAD. MAKES YOU SICK.'
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE YOUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS.
It thought dat count.

HEY, RAT. IT’S ME, GOAT. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I’M IN ATLANTA. I’M TRYING TO FIND THAT BAR YOU TOLD ME ABOUT.
YOU JUST TAKE PEACHTREE STREET TO PEACHTREE AVENUE, THEN MAKE A LEFT ON PEACHTREE DRIVE AND CROSS PEACHTREE WAY TIL YOU GET TO PEACHTREE CIRCLE AND IT’S RIGHT THERE ON PEACHTREE PLAZA.
SURELY THIS IS A CRUEL JOKE.
THEY LIKE THEIR PEACHES.

WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT OUR REAL GOVERNMENT?! WHAT IF THE MILITARY AND THE DEFENSE ESTABLISHMENT IS IN CHARGE?
AND WHAT IF THEIR GOAL IS TO KEEP US IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF FEAR SO THAT WE NEVER QUESTION THINGS AND WHAT IF A COMIC STRIP POINTED ALL THIS OUT?!
WOULD THEY LET THAT HAPPEN? OR WOULD WE BE REPLACED BY SOME HARMLESS AND SAPPI...
FASTER... FASTER...
I FEEL ALL WARM AND HAPPY WHEN I SEE MOMMY AND DADDY KISSING!

Did you hear about this politician? He died by his own hand.
Did it attack him in his sleep?
Let's start over.
Poor politicians. Even their own hands hate them.

THIS MAY BE THE GREATEST FIRST DATE EVER.
WE HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS, HOPES, GOALS, FEARS, DESIRES, HOBBIES.
WE COULDN'T BE MORE COMPATIBLE.
YEP. AND IT SOUNDS LIKE WE BOTH VOTED FOR THIS PERSON FOR PRESIDENT.
AND WE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN.

IF YOU CUT OUT FATTY FOODS AND ALCOHOL AND SMOKING AND PARTYING AND ALL RISKY BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND, YOU LIVE FOR LONGER, RIGHT.
RIGHT.
BUT THEN WHAT ARE YOU LIVING FOR
NEVER BE SURGEON GENERAL.
LONGER'S NOT ALWAYS BETTER, BABY!

CAN PEOPLE GET THEIR MONEY BACK IF THEY DON'T LIKE TODAY'S STRIP?
WELL, NO. THEY'RE NOT REALLY SPENDING ANY MONEY ON IT.
THEY ARE IF THEY BUY A NEWSPAPER.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU COULD ASK THEM WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THEIR NEWSPAPER ENJOYMENT COMES FROM "PEARLS" AND GIVE THEM THAT PERCENTAGE BACK.
0.000%.
WELL, THAT MAKES THE MATH EASY.
PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY HOUSE, RANDOM NEWSPAPER READERS.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
I GUESS SOME OF RAT'S ADVISORS HAVE WARNED HIM ABOUT ALL OF HIS TWEETING
WHY IS THAT?
THEY JUST WANT HIS TWEETS TO BE A BIT MORE PRESIDENTIAL
WHAT'S NOT PRESIDENTIAL ABOUT THEM?
President Rat
NUCLEAR WAR!!!!!!!!
JK. Party on.

GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT... WHAT'S ON OUR AGENDA FOR TODAY?
ATTACKING FRANCE. BY LAND, BY SEA, AND BY AIR.
MY GOD, THEY'VE BEEN ONE OF OUR ALLIES FOR ALMOST 250 YEARS. WHAT HAPPENED?
SOME KID THERE TWEETED THAT I HAD A BIG NOSE.
COULD WE MAYBE JUST IGNORE HIM?
CAN'T. HE HAS 400 FOLLOWERS.

RAT DOESN'T LIKE THE GUY BEHIND US. HE HATES HIM.
SO HE'S BUILDING A WALL THERE TOO?
YEP. AND SAME WITH THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOU.
RAT DOESN'T LIKE HIM?
NOPE... AND HE DOESN'T LIKE DON, THE NEIGHBOR ON THE OTHER SIDE.
TELLING NEIGHBOR BOB THAT WE'RE BUILDING A WALL BETWEEN OUR HOUSES.
RAT TODAY?
THAT JUST LEAVES THE NEIGHBOR IN FRONT OF YOU.
WHO RAT DOESN'T LIKE EITHER.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT I THINK I JUST BUILT A PRISON.
OUR DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.
BAKE ME A CAKE WITH A SAW IN IT!

HOW FAR IN ADVANCE DO YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR COMIC STRIP?
FOUR WEEKS. BUT I WORK REALLY DILIGENTLY ON STAYING OVER SIX MONTHS AHEAD.
LIFE MUST BE EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
HUGE TIME-SAVER.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO CHECK ON MY STORAGE UNIT.
WHY'D YOU NEED A STORAGE UNIT?
TO HAVE A PLACE WHERE I COULD STORE ALL THE HAPPY MEMORIES FROM MY LIFE.
MELANCHOLY LIVES SAVE A FORTUNE ON STORAGE FEES.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR
RANDY.
HOW GOES
IT?
TERRIFIC! I FEEL LIKE
I CAN DO ANYTHING
TODAY. LIKE I'M A
SUPERHERO!
HEY...HOW
ARE YOU TWO
DOING?
GREAT!
HE'S SUPER RANDY
TODAY!
PLEASE
FEEL FREE
TO SHARE
LESS
INFORMATION.
ARE YOU
FASTER
THAN A
SPEEDY
BULLET?

HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET?
MAYBE A MEAT LOAF, A LITTLE BREAD, A FEW BLACK EYED PEAS, SOME CRANBERRIES, RASPBERRIES, A LITTLE CREAM, SOME OF THE JAM... OH. AND SOME BOB DYLAN.
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER.
IS BOB DYLAN A FOOD?

WHAT'S WITH THE PUPPET?
IT'S HAPPY HENRY, HARBINGER OF HOPE.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
HE'S POORLY NAMED.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I WENT TO THE FOUR T-P-D
THIS STRIP HAS GONE 0 DAYS WITHOUT AN ACCIDENT.

Once upon a time in the utensil drawer.
Honey... I think I'm having contractions.
Okay... Just breathe, baby... I'll get the car.
So the forks went to the hospital.
I'll get the door for you, sweetie.
Goodbye, dear. Good luck!
And after ten hours of labor...
Here comes the baby, honey!
Congratulations! It's a fork, Mr. & Mrs. Fork.
Spork.
Mr. Spoon fled the utensil drawer as fast as he could.
That's not how sporks are made.
YES IT IS.
THAT'S IT.
I'M PUTTING MY SPOONS IN A SEPARATE DRAWER.

HOW COME EVERY TIME I FALL ASLEEP WHILE SITTING IN A CHAIR, MY HEAD FALLS FORWARD AND WAKES ME UP?
SLEEP GNOMES. THEY PUSH IT FORWARD JUST FOR THE JOY OF WATCHING IT SNAP BACK.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT GRAVITY.
AND RUIN THE FUN?
THIS WILL BE MY GNOME-DOME. IT WLL KEEP OUT THE GNOMES.

WHAT'S THE IDITAROD?
IT'S THIS EVENT WHERE THEY RACE TEAMS OF SLED DOGS.
SO COULD I RACE TEAMS OF DUMB PEOPLE AND CALL IT THE IDIOTAROD?
NO.
OH. WELL, DON'T TELL THEM THAT.

I JUST HELPED A GUY MOVE HIS T.V.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. TO WHERE?
MY HOUSE. I STOLE IT.
WHY IS THAT WONDERFUL?

Whew, am I tired... Been training for a triathlon. It's my sixth triathlon. I really enjoy triathlons.
Listen, Tommy the Triathlete... No one cares about your triathlons. Because we all recognize that what you're really saying is that you're better than us. So just say it.
I'M BETTER THAN YOU.
Feel better?
YOUR WHOLE, UNDISCIPLINED EXISTENCE IS WITHOUT VALUE!

PRESIDENT RAT IS ON T.V. LAYING OUT HIS PLAN FOR MASS DEPORTATION.
SO HE'S REALLY GONNA DEPORT ALL THE UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHO HE'S GOING AFTER.
MEN WITH MAN BUNS, OUT!

MR. PRESIDENT, NOW THAT YOU'RE IN OFFICE, THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO SET FORTH YOUR POLICY PRIORITIES.
RIGHT. I'VE PUT THEM ALL IN HERE.
BUT THIS IS JUST FILLED WITH PEOPLE'S NAMES.
RIGHT. THEY'RE MY ENEMIES. CRUSHING THEM WILL BE MY PRIORITY.
I HOPED FOR SO MUCH MORE.
OH, WE CAN ADD TO IT AS WE GO.

WHAT'S WITH THE VARIOUS PARTS OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?
IT'S GOATS. HE'S MOVING, SO HE ASKED ME TO DISASSEMBLE IT AND HELP HIM MOVE BOTH THIS AND HIS PET FISH, OLIVER.
HI, PIG...THANKS A TON FOR HELPING...DID YOU GET OLIVER?
SURE DID.
WHERE IS IT?
RIGHT HERE IN THIS BOX.
YOU PUT OLIVER IN THIS BOX?
WHERE ELSE WOULD I PUT IT?
NO WATER?
IT NEEDS WATER!
OF COURSE IT NEEDS WATER!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! I JUST SEPARATED IT INTO LITTLE PIECES AND THREW THEM IN THERE.
OLIVER'S IN PIECES?!
NEVER HELP A FRIEND MOVE.
NOOOOO