Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
MY PERSONAL TRAINER, BENNIE. BENNIE'S DISCIPLINED APPROACH WILL HELP ME STICK TO A STRICT REGIMEN OF HEALTHY EATING AND STRENUOUS EXERCISE.
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW LET'S GET STARTED.
NAH. LET'S JUST SIT ON OUR @#*% AND DRINK BEER.
BENNIE MIGHT NOT BE MUCH HELP.

THE WOMAN WHO STARTED THE COMPANY I WORK AT CAME TO THE EMPLOYEE LUNCHROOM TODAY AND ORDERED FLOUNDER. BUT WHEN SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, HER MEAL WAS GONE.
DID SHE EVER FIND IT?
YEAH.
THE FOUNDER FOUND HER FLOUNDER.
FIND MEANINGFUL WORK.

DID YOU ORDER THE KABOOM HASH BROWNS?
NO. ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE BILL?
I'M LOOKING AT GILBERT'S BILL.
DID THEY OVER-CHARGE HER?
YES. IT'S THE CHIEF REASON I DON'T HEAR HER COME HERE ANYMORE.
WHY DO THEY TRY TO RAM THESE CHARGES DOWN YOUR THROAT?
IF YOU ARE AN EAGLE OR TITAN OF INDUSTRY...I THINK YOU'LL SURVIVE...THEY LIKELY RIPPED OFF HIS GIRLFRIEND.
HEY, I'M NO EAGLE...I'M A CARDINAL.
SURE. ITS PART OF BEING A CARDINAL...IT MAKES SENSE.
PLEASE. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO STEAL HER CASH AGAIN, PIG.
I CAN'T BEAR TO WATCH, STAP. HER REAR OPENING WAS COOKING MY BRAIN AND HEARD YELLING.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? YOU KNOW I GAVE HER STUFF, SHE HAD THAT LAPTOP.
HE'S VIN...JET BLACK HAIR AND MINI SHORTS AND RED SPOT ON JAGUAR OR FINANCIAL...OR WHATEVER YOU DRIVE AND GO.
TWENTY-SIX TO TWENTY-TWO...THREE N.F.L. TEAMS.
IS IT IN YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO OWN THIS?
IS IT YOUR TWENTY-

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
GODFATHER II. THIS IS THE PART WHERE MICHAEL IS ABOUT TO HAVE FREDO SHOT.
HE'S SHOOTING A HOBBIT?
HIS NAME'S FREDO, NOT FRODO.
HOBBITS AND ORGANIZED CRIME DO NOT MIX.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, PIG?
LOOKING FOR ALIENS. NEIGHBOR BOB HAD ONE ON HIS HOUSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S ALL IN THIS DOCUMENT HE SHOWED ME.
A LIEN. HE HAD A LIEN ON HIS HOUSE.
E.T., PHONE HOME!

When I die, give me a Viking funeral.
Lay your body on a burning boat and push it out to sea?
Yes, but I want all of you to join me on the boat.
But we don't want to die.
But I'd be gone.
Yes, and we'd still want to go on living.
That never once crossed my mind.

HEY, NEIGHBOR RON... HOW ARE YOU DOING?
GOOD. THIS IS MY DAD, RON SR. I HAVE TWO COUSINS NAMED RON ALSO.
POPULAR NAME?
IT RONS IN THE FAMILY.
WILL IT EVER END?
WHEN I RON OUT OF IDEAS.

SINCE THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE, MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I NEVER SEEM TO HAVE LONG RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I GET BORED WITH GUYS AND CHEAT ON THEM.
YOUR ANSWER RAISED A RED FLAG.

PARDON ME, EVERYONE, BUT SOMEONE IS HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. IS THERE A TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IN THE HOUSE?
YES.
WHAT’S YOUR TRAINING?
I CAN REMOVE THE WISH BONE WITHOUT HITTING THE SIDES AND MAKING THE GUYS NOSE LIGHT UP.
I DON’T THINK THE GAME “OPERATION” COUNTS.
DOES HE HAVE BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH?

I THINK IT'S
WRONG TO
HUNT ANIMALS
FOR SPORT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YOU EAT MEAT.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S
DIFFERENT.
HUNTING SEEMS
MORE CRUEL.
CRUEL? I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT'S CRUEL.
BULLFIGHTING.
WHAT'S
WRONG
WITH BULL-FIGHTING?
IT'S SLOW TORTURE
FOR THE SAKE OF
ENTERTAINMENT. HECK,
I'D RATHER BE SHOT.
WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS
DOING?
JUST
SHOOTING
THE BULL.
WELL, THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY.
THIS WHOLE
COMIC IS
BULL.
WOULD I
STEER YOU
WRONG?

THAT'LL BE $72.20. IS THIS GONNA BE CASH OR CREDIT CARD?
WOULD YOU TAKE A BIG, WARM, WONDERFUL HUG?
CAPITALISM IS BRUTAL.

HI, DAD. IT'S ME, ZEBRA. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
TRYING TO READ SOMETHING ON A TABLET.
OH, YEAH. IT CAN BE HARD TO READ A BOOK ON THOSE, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S SUNNY AND THE SCREEN HAS A LOT OF GLARE.
WHO READS A BOOK ON A TABLET? ASPIRIN?
I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ALMOST ALL THE BIG STORIES REVEALING GOVERNMENT CORRUPTION AT THE STATE AND LOCAL LEVEL ARE DONE BY NEWSPAPERS?
SO?
SO IF THERE WERE NO NEWSPAPERS LEFT TO SERVE AS WATCHDOGS, WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?
I'D RUN FOR MAYOR.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BAD.
SO FAR IT SOUNDS PRETTY GREAT.

HEY, RAT, HOW'D YOUR
TENNIS MATCH GO?
I LOST
WITH GRACE.
WELL,
THAT'S
GOOD.
NO, IT'S NOT.
I BLAME IT
ALL ON MY
STUPID
DOUBLES
PARTNER.
THAT
DOESN'T
SOUND
LIKE
GRACE.
IT'S EXACTLY
LIKE GRACE.
SHE'S
TERRIBLE.
I REALLY
AM.
NEVER
MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
I SAW A FINANCIAL PLANNER ON T.V. WHO SAID THAT IF YOU WANT TO RETIRE WEALTHY, YOU NEED TO MAKE A PLAN.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. CAN I SEE?
SURE.
1) WIN LOTTERY
2) KILL RICH UNCLE
DON'T TELL MY UNCLE.

I THINK I'M GONNA APPLY FOR A POSITION AT APPLE.
OH, DON'T BOTHER.
WHY NOT?
NO MORE JOBS.
MY COUSIN IN LOUIS TOLD ME THAT ONE.
OH, GREAT. IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE ENTERPRISES PRESENTS...
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??
FIND ALL TEN THINGS!
ANSWER: IT'S UPSIDE DOWN.

WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
TITANIC... THIS IS THE END WHERE THE BOAT SINKS.
SPOILER ALERT!
PIG... IT HIT AN ICEBERG 105 YEARS AGO.
ICEBERG? PLEASE STOP.

HEY, PIG, I HEARD YOU WENT TO VISIT YOUR MOM. HOW IS SHE?
HEALTHY AS A HORSE.
TERRIFIC.
TERRIFIC? I ONLY KNOW ONE HORSE.
SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.
LET'S START OVER.
YOU'RE SO CRUEL.

I MOPED EVERYWHERE
I MOPED EVERYWHERE
WELL, THAT'S SAD. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN MOPING ABOUT?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MOPING?
CLEVER.
ONLY PESSIMISTS READ IT THE SAD WAY.

WHERE'S DAD TODAY?

HE GOT A JOB DOING TECH SUPPORT.

DOES HE KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?

WHY ELSE WOULD THEY HIRE HIM?

YES. FOR THE SIXTH TIME, IT'S PLUGGED IN.

Oh. Den me out of solutions.

I SET THE DVR TO RECORD THE WARRIORS GAME THIS AFTERNOON. THAT WAY, I CAN WATCH IT LATER TONIGHT.
OH, GOOD.
YEAH, BUT IT'S BEEN TOUGH BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO SPEND ALL DAY BEING CAREFUL TO AVOID ALL TEXTS, INTERNET, RADIO, CABLE T.V.
NO CABLE T.V. ? SO YOU MISSED THE WARRIORS BEATING THE SPURS ?
THIS SEEMS HARSH.
JUSTICE OFTEN DOES.

I THINK THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR HOMEMADE 'GARAGE SALE' SIGN.
YEAH. THE 'A' AND THE 'E' KEEP BLOWING ACROSS THE YARD.
DOES IT HAPPEN A LOT?
YES. I HAVE FREQUENT VOWEL MOVEMENTS.
YOU'RE QUITE IRREGULAR.
THE HUMOR COMES AND GOES.

IT'S NOT FAIR THAT WE ALWAYS HAVE A RANDOM UNKOWN.
THIS IS GREAT RANDOM UNKNOWN, AND IT'S NOT RIGHT. I WANT TO KNOW HOW I DIE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING I'VE INVENTED THE BALLOONY METABOLOGRAM INDICATOR.
B.M.I.?
BALLOON METABOLOGRAM INDICATOR. YOU BLINDFOLD YOURSELF AND THROW A DART AGAINST THAT FENCE. THE BALLOON YOU HIT INDICATES YOUR FATE.
TRAMPLED BY BULLS 2023.
HEART ATTACK 2022.
FELL DOWNSTAIRS 2019.
DROWNED AT SEA 2045.
HIT BY TRAIN 2022.
CAN I TRY?
SURE.
WOOOSH
HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU
OH
GOD
WELL, WE KNOW HOW HER GONE.
YEAH, WE KNOW. HOW EERIE.

HEY, PIG. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!
PLAYING A GAME THAT SENIOR CITIZENS LOVE. I WAS THERE WITH AN AUSTRALIAN DOG AND A DRUMMER FROM LIVERPOOL. I'VE EVEN LEARNED THE TERMS THEY ALL USE.
BINGO DINGO RINGO LINGO-
DO YOU SUPPOSE "BEETLE BAILEY" IS HIRING?