Pearls Before Swine | Search

And dat when mom ees grow tiny leetle paws, like hamster paws.
REALLY?
Reely. So small dey call dem "mini" paws. And dat how it get its name.
THAT IS
NOT WHAT
MENOPAUSE IS.
HELP.
Tomorrow me teach you 'bout hot flushes.

REMEMBER THE STORY ABOUT THAT RIP VAN WINKLE GUY WHO FALLS ASLEEP AND WAKES UP IN THE FUTURE?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE IT JUST HAPPENED TO ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WENT TO SLEEP AND WHEN I WOKE UP, IT WAS TWENTY MINUTES LATER!
HIS BRAIN SHOULD BE STUDIED.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HELICOPTER PARENTS"?
NO. WHAT ARE THEY?
THEY'RE THESE PARENTS NOWADAYS WHO HOVER CONSTANTLY OVER THEIR CHILDREN AND SWOOP IN QUICKLY WHENEVER THERE'S A PROBLEM.
MY PARENTS WERE MORE LIKE A DERAILED TRAIN.
I SEE.
BUT THE CRASHES WERE SPECTACULAR.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON THE ASSASSINATION OF GARFIELD.
ALL THE LASAGNA HE'LL NEVER EAT!!!
JAMES GARFIELD. PRESIDENT.
OH, WHO CARES ABOUT HIM?

HALL OF STATE MOTTOS
WYOMING
Equal rights.
OHIO
With God, all things are possible!
TEXAS
*Friendship*
RHODE ISLAND
HOPE!
NEW HAMPSHIRE
LIVE FREE OR DIE!!!
NEVER END YOUR STATE MOTTO TOUR WITH NEW HAMPSHIRE.
THEY'RE A SCARY PEOPLE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?
DO YOU HAVE WARM BEAVERS GETTING OLDER?
WHAT’S THAT?
I DUNNO, BUT RIGHT HERE YOU OFFER A WARM BEAVER THAT AGES.
'WARM BEVERAGES.'
THAT DOESN'T SOUND NEARLY AS INTERESTING.

HEY, PIG… ANY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR?
JUST THIS NEW ‘EAT WHAT YOU WANT’ DIET.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
YOU GET FAT.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW A LOT ABOUT NUTRITION.

YOU KNOW THAT CUTE FAMILY PORTRAIT SOME PEOPLE TAKE NOWADAYS WHERE EACH OF THEM DRESSES UP IN MATCHING CLOTHES?
YEAH. WHY?
IT MAKES ME SICK.
I HATE WHEN I AGREE WITH YOU.
CONGRESS, DO SOMETHING!

HEY, WAS THAT YOU WHO JUST DROVE BY ME
IN A GRAY HONDA ACCORD?
YEAH. BUT I SLOWED DOWN
AND GAVE YOU THE RIGHT OF WAY.
YOU DIDN'T BOW.
CYCLISTS ARE FASCISTS IN TIGHT PANTS.

DUDE... WHATS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?
IT'S CALLED A TOP KNOT, YOU MORON. AND IT'S VERY HIP.
SNIP
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAVE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES.

I'M TRAINING FOR A MARATHON, PIG, AND I NEED YOU TO KEEP TRACK OF MY TIMES ON THIS SHEET, BUT THERE'S NOT MUCH SPACE, SO ABBREVIATE.
SURE. DO YOU WANT 'HRS' FOR HOURS?
YES, AND DO AN ABBREVIATION FOR SECONDS ALSO.
OKAY. DO YOU WANT 'SECS'?
RUNNERS HAVE VERY SHORT TEMPERS.

Meh.
The composition is jejune at best.
And is it neo-Marxist or a self-conscious parody of neo-Marxism?
I'd say it fails on both counts.
At best, I'd say we're looking at postmodern blather.
Neither avant-garde nor revelatory in its scope.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE WRITING A GUIDE TO PARENTING.
BUT LITTLE KIDS NEED GUIDANCE.
HEY, KID, DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY HAMSTER LATELY. ALL HE DOES IS SPEND HIS ENTIRE DAY ENGAGED IN HIS HAMSTER BALL.
ISN'T THAT JUST HOW THEY HAVE FUN?
I'M AVOIDING EBOLA.
THESE ARE DARK TIMES.
NOBODY SNEEZE.

THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND NOT ENOUGH SPACE FOR US ALL, SO WE FIGURED OUT A SOLUTION---GOING UP.
BUILDING MORE MULTI-STORY HOUSING?
PUTTING SMALL PEOPLE ON THE BACKS OF BIG PEOPLE.
HONEY, I'LL BE LATE FOR DINNER TONIGHT, FRED'S WALKING SLOW.
I SEE ISSUES WITH THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA EAT WITH US. I LIVE ON HIM NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RAT! HERE'S YOUR GIFT.
THANKS.
GEE, NOT TO MAKE THIS AWKWARD, BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A GIFT EXCHANGE.
IT IS.
I GO TO THE STORE AND EXCHANGE YOUR GIFT FOR SOMETHING BETTER.
YOU WOULDN'T.
WELL, NOT IF YOU BOUGHT BETTER GIFTS.

HEY GOAT...I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO NEGATIVE NICK. HE'S RATHER NEGATIVE.
HOW NEGATIVE?
DID HE JUST SUCK ALL THE LIGHT OUT OF THE ROOM?
IT HAPPENS.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS CARD IS NOW A PHOTO OF THEIR FAMILY ON SOME EXOTIC VACATION, AS IF TO SAY, MY FAMILY DID THIS THIS YEAR AND YOURS DID NOT?
SO?
SO I DID ONE OF THOSE CARDS MYSELF THIS YEAR. HERE. HAVE A LOOK.
Merry Christmas from my #$%&*@+# backyard
COMPETE WITH THAT, SAFARI-TAKING YUPPIES!
MOW YOUR LAWN.

ARE YOU GONNA SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES?
LOVED ONES?
RELATIVES.
YOU SAID 'LOVED ONES.'
'LOVED ONES' MEANS RELATIVES.
WHAT?
SOME PEOPLE LOVE THEIR RELATIVES.
WOULD THEY LIKE TO TRADE RELATIVES?

Thank you for downloading our new smartphone app.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
Click to READ
Click to ACCEPT
Wow, okay. You're the first guy who didn't just click ACCEPT. But okay, here goes.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
Click to READ
You have no rights.
We will violate your privacy.
We will track your every movement.
We will sell all of this information to anyone who wants it.
If we find anything really embarrassing, we will pass it around the office and laugh.
All of the above may accidentally be exposed to the entire world.
If so, oopsy-doopsies.
P.S. You are hosed.
NEVER READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

YO, ZEBRA... HOW YOU DOING?
I'M FINE, BUT MY COUSIN'S NOT VERY HAPPY AT ALL.
WHAT'S EATING HIM?
A LION.
USUALLY, THAT'S NOT SO LITERAL.

WHAT ARE ALL YOU GUYS DOING?
WE'VE BEEN CAMPING OUT FOR TODAY'S OPENING OF STAR WARS. EPISODE SEVEN.
THE MOVIE WILL STILL BE HERE TOMORROW.
NERDS WITH LIGHTSABERS ARE A DANGEROUS BUNCH.

HEY, HOWDY. I NEVER HEARD FROM YOU AFTER OUR DATE LAST WEEK.
YEAH... I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I JUST FELT LIKE YOU WERE A LITTLE TOO CLINGY.
CLINGY? ME?
WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR CHEST?
A TATTOO OF YOUR FACE.
WOMEN ARE SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
I'M MEETING A GUY I MET ONLINE, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED HE WON'T LIKE ME IN PERSON. I HAVE SUCH A SQUEAKY VOICE.
FSSHHHH
WD-40 DOESN'T WORK FOR THAT.

HEY, RAT. HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
GREAT. NO PROBLEMS AT ALL.
OHHH? WHO THE @#$% ARE YOU?
THE JINXIES. YOU BRAGGED ABOUT HAVING NO PROBLEMS, SO WE'RE HERE TO @#$% UP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD!
TOO LATE.
SPEAKING OF WOOD, YOUR HOUSE BURNS DOWN THIS WEEK.

YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
GEEZ, SON, YOU NEVER STOP TALKING AND ASKING QUESTIONS. HOW 'BOUT BEING QUIET NOW AND THEN?!
One day, he go away to school and he never answer any of you texts and all you dreams come true.
YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP