Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI MOM. HI DAD. WHERE ARE MY KIDS?
THEY WENT FOR A BIKE RIDE.
WHOS WATCHING THEM?
WATCHING THEM? WELL, NOT US. WE'RE READING THE PAPER.
AAHHHHHHH
PARENTING IS DIFFERENT NOW.

HEY, NEIGHBOR PHIL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. BEEN EATING NOTHING BUT HEALTHY GRAINS AND NUTS. PLUS, I'VE BEEN GOING FOR LONG HIKES AND TEN-MILE RUNS. IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE LIFESTYLE, I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE.
I HAVE A QUESTION.
YES, RAT?
WHY DO HEALTH-CONSCIOUS PEOPLE LOOK THE LEAST HEALTHY?
HE TOOK HIS GRANOLA AND WENT HOME.
AT LEAST BEER GIVES ME A ROSY GLOW!!

LOOK, GOAT, I GOT NEW LOWER LOUVER SHUTTERS.
WHAT'S THAT FUNNY THING STICKING OUT OF THEM?
THAT'S THE LIVER-SHAPED CRANK THAT OPENS THEM. MAKES FOR AN EASY GRIP. DO YOU LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT.
SO YOU'RE A LIVER LOUVER LOVER?
NOBODY LOVES YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GUARD DUCK?
I VOLUNTEERED TO BE A SCOUTMASTER FOR A TROOP OF GIRL SCOUTS.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU. LITTLE GIRLS NEED POSITIVE ROLE MODELS. AND YOU'RE SELLING COOKIES?
YESSIR. BUT IF YOU CAN EXCUSE ME, WE HAVE A CUSTOMER.
CARE FOR SOME COOKIES, MA'AM?
YOU BET. I'LL TAKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATE CHIP AND A BOX OF PEANUT BUTTER.
WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM. THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.
OH, IT'S MY PLEASURE. I LOVE TO SUPPORT YOUNG GIRLS IN THEIR SCOUTING ENDEAVORS. AND WHAT ARE YOU RAISING MONEY FOR?
A FLAMETHROWER AND A BOX OF GRENADES.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD BE LESS FORTHCOMING, SALLY.
NO ONE WILL MESS WITH THIS TROOP, MA'AM!

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, YOU ONCE SAID THE KEY TO LOVING YOUR FELLOW MAN IS TO LIVE HIGH UP ON A HILL WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE ANY OF THEM.
YES, MY SON.
IS THAT STILL TRUE?
YES, MY SON.
YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING.

OH, WISE ASS ON THE HILL, WHAT IS THE KEY TO LIFE?
LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN.
HOW DOES ONE ACHIEVE THAT?
LIVE HIGH ON A HILL WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE ANY OF THEM.
THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.

HEY, DAD. CALLED TO SEE IF YOU AND MOM COULD WATCH MY KIDS TODAY. OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY WITH YOUR AGE-INAPPROPRIATE SHENANIGANS?
SORRY. CAN'T DO IT. WE'RE HAVING A PRETTY HOT FOURSOME.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
GUESS SHE DOESN'T LIKE BRIDGE.

NEIGHBOR NANCY CONFRONTS HER
KIDS' GRANDPARENTS.
YOU TWO ARE GRANDPARENTS NOW.
THAT MEANS THAT IF I WANT TO DROP
OFF MY KIDS WITH YOU FOR THE DAY,
YOU SHOULD LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
I MEAN, WHAT'S BETTER THAN THAT?
EVERYTHING.
PLEASE
TAKE OFF
THE
HEADPHONES.
YO.
WE'RE
TUNING
YOU OUT.
WORD.

REMEMBER THAT POSTER
OF OBAMA THAT JUST
SAID "HOPE?"
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE I'VE
CREATED A
SIMILAR ONE
FOR MY 2016
PRESIDENTIAL
CAMPAIGN.
AT
LEAST
IT'S
HONEST.
AND I
KNOW
I CAN DELIVER.

WHAT'S WITH THE HELMET, PIG?
IT'S FOR TIME TRAVEL. THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH YEAR SO FAR. SO I'M SKIPPING IT AND GOING STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT ONE.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT WHAT "LEAP YEAR" MEANS.
TOO LATE.
SO LONG, STUPID YEAR!!

I'VE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
THAT TAKES BILLIONS OF DOLLARS NOW.
I KNOW. SO I'VE FORMED A SUPER PAC RUN BY DANNY DONKEY AND SNUFFLES THE CAT. IT CAN RAISE UNLIMITED FUNDS FOR ME.
WELL, NOW WAIT A MINUTE. THE SUPREME COURT SAYS THAT YOU AND THE SUPER PAC CAN'T COORDINATE. IT HAS TO BE TOTALLY INDEPENDENT OF YOU.
OH, I KNOW. SO TO ENSURE THAT, I'VE CONSTRUCTED THIS WALL OF STURDY BEER CANS TO SEPARATE US.
IT'S NOT FOOLPROOF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
ELECTRICAL WORK. I'VE TAKEN YOU OFF THE POWER GRID AND PUT YOU ON AN ALTERNATIVE SOURCE OF ENERGY.
YOU MEAN LIKE SOLAR?
NO. I'VE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO TURN LAUGHTER INTO ENERGY, SO FROM NOW ON, YOUR HOUSE HERE WILL BE POWERED BY ALL THE LAUGHS YOU CREATE WITH YOUR COMIC STRIP.
I'LL PUT YOU BACK ON THE POWER GRID.

OUT OF MY WAY, GUYS. I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM.
THIS ISN'T A BATHROOM. IT'S JUST A ROOM FILLED WITH MEN.
SOME SIGNS ARE SURPRISINGLY LITERAL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HOW GOES IT?
NOT WELL. I CAN'T GET MY FOLKS TO EVER TAKE MY KIDS FOR THE DAY.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T KNOW. BUT IT'S RIDIC-
JUOUS. I MEAN, WHAT ELSE DO OLD PEOPLE HAVE TO DO ALL DAY? KNIT? SIT IN RECLINERS?
WATCH "JEOPARDY"?
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I STARTED A WEBSITE TO SELL GOODS TO OLDER PEOPLE. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE CLAPPER, LIFE ALERT, CANES, WALKERS.
THAT'S A LOT OF ITEMS CRAMMED ONTO ONE WEB PAGE.
YEAH, I KNOW. SO I HAD TO SHORTEN SOME OF THE PRODUCT DESCRIPTIONS.
I DON'T THINK I'D SAY, "GET THE CLAP."
YEAH, IT HASN'T SOLD WELL.

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
I WANT TO DROP MY KIDS OFF AT MY FOLKS'. I RANG THE DOORBELL, BUT MAYBE THEY CAN'T HEAR IT.
DID YOU TRY LOOKING IN THE WINDOW?
WE'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THIS.
BETTER THAN BEING WITH THOSE KIDS.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED IN TOWN, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
TWO YEARS. WE MOVED HERE SO MY KIDS COULD BE CLOSER TO THEIR GRANDPARENTS. THEY JUST LOVE HAVING MY KIDS OVER.
NO, WE DON’T.
PARDON US FOR A MOMENT.
WE DREAD IT, REALLY.
LET US LIVE OUR GOSH DANG LIVES!

TECH SUPPORT. HOW CAN I HELP YOU. AGAIN.
YEAH. I'VE LOADED YOUR SOFTWARE ONTO MY COMPUTER AND NOW THE COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING AT ALL.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. LET'S SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
FINE.
OKAY, TO BEGIN, DID YOU PLUG IT IN.
PLUGGED IN? IS IT PLUGGED IN?
YES. SIR.
I'VE WAITED FORTY MINUTES ON HOLD SO THAT SOME TECH GUY COULD ASK ME THAT.
YES. SIR. IT'S A CHECK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
YEAH, WELL HERE'S MY CHECKLIST...
ITEM 1: STOP BUYING SOFTWARE FROM COMPANIES THAT TREAT ME LIKE A GOSH-DARN MORON!
ITEM 2: STOP WASTING FORTY MINUTES ON HOLD TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AS USELESS AS YOU!
SORRY, SIR, IT'S JUST OUR PROCEDURE THAT I

WHAT'S THAT?
NEW WATCH. I JUST BOUGHT IT.
YOU JUST GOT A FANCY WATCH TO SHOW OFF.
NO, I DIDN'T. I GOT IT BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD WATCH AND IT TELLS TIME WELL..
WANT TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

HOW COME YOU NEVER PLANT ANY COLORFUL FLOWERS IN YOUR BACKYARD, PIG?
BECAUSE THE DEER EAT THEM.
THE DEER EAT EVERYTHING?
IS THIS ALL YOU HAVE IN THE FRIDGE?
EVERYTHING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR. HAVE YOU MET MY LI'L SCOUTS TROOP?
I SURE HAVEN'T. WHAT'S THAT LITTLE MERIT BADGE ON THEIR VEST FOR?
FIGHTING WITH CHAINS.
MAYBE THEY SHOULD WORK ON BUILDING CAMPFIRES INSTEAD.
OH, WE CAN BUILD FIRES.

HELLO?

HEY, GOAT... IT'S ME RAT... I'M JUST CALLING TO WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY'S NOT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO ME, SO THE ODDS ARE I'LL FORGET ON THE ACTUAL DAY.

THAT WAS ALMOST CONSIDERATE.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED HERE?

I THOUGHT IT'D BE FUN TO BUILD A DAM ACROSS THE CREEK IN OUR BACKYARD, BUT NOW I'VE FLOODED EVERYTHING
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BUILDING DAMS?
NOTHING.
YOU DAM FOOL!
YOU ANGER ME TO NO END.
THIS STUPID DAM THING.

I DON'T MIND AMERICANS NOT BEING INFORMED.
BUT IS IT SO HARD TO REMEMBER THAT IF YOU LIKE TO DRIVE AT A RESPONSIBLE SPEED...
STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

Please note, fellow swine:
Residents of Florida shouldn’t try to bribe any politicians.
Hello, Senator. Here's a million dollars for your vote. I'd like to kill that banking bill that's hurting my business.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You have stated a quid pro quo. And that makes this ILLEGAL.
A quid pro what?
Quid pro quo. An explicit exchange of money for a favor. And that is illegal, immoral, and repulsive.
So now what?
So now, just like back in the old days, I'm supposed to donate a million dollars to my Super Pac.
Hello. I'd like to donate a million dollars to your Super Pac.
Hello, Mr. Swine. How is business?
Not good. There's a banking bill I don't like.
I don't like that bill either. I think I'll kill it.
And that was legal!
I THINK OUR SYSTEM NEEDS FIXING.
HOW MUCH MORE FIXED CAN IT GET?
YAY! THE SYSTEM IS FIXED! THE SYSTEM IS FIXED!!