Pearls Before Swine | Search

Whuh you doing, Larry?
Da Google making driverless cars programed keel Larry. So Larry secretly build wall protect self.
How you keep it secret?
Me not know, Bob. Mebbe me should Google dat and--
You juss blow cover, Larry.
You no can hide nutting from da Google, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me building wall protect myself against da Google.
GOOGLE?
Yeah. Dey making driverless cars. Me pretty sure dey gonna program dem to run over Larry.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
Becuss me never pay attenshun to dere leetle ads.
THEY PROBABLY WON'T KILL YOU FOR THAT.
Never trust da Google, son.

HELLO, LITTLE BOY... AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
A TRUCK? A GAME?
I WAS THINKING, SANTA... COULD YOU MAKE PEOPLE A LITTLE LESS GREEDY AND MAYBE LESS MEAN?
AND COULD YOU MAKE SOME OF THEM A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING?
AND HAVE THEM BE KIND TO ANIMALS AND NOT DESTROY THE PLANET...
AND YEAH, NO MORE SHOOTINGS.
WELL, I...
I KNOW, YOU CAN'T. SO HOW ABOUT A BIG "WE'LL JUST HOPE FOR THE BEST" HUG?
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I WANT THAT KID FOR CHRISTMAS.
GIMME AN X-BOX

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TEXTING FACEBOOK MESSENGER THAT I DON'T WANT NOTIFICATIONS TURNED ON.
AND TELLING THEM AGAIN. AND TELLING THEM AGAIN.
AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN...
YOU OKAY?
OHHHHHH, FACEBOOK, WHY DO YOU IGNORE MY NEEDS?

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY AIRLINES LET YOU RECLINE YOUR SEAT.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY INCREASE YOUR COMFORT BY TAKING IT AWAY FROM SOMEONE ELSE. SO IT'S A TEST TO SEE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SCREW OVER YOUR FELLOW MAN.
AND I AM!
AH, GOOD.
IT'S OKAY IF THEY'RE STRANGERS.

WE GOT A NEW NEIGHBOR.
WHO?
RUDY THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER.
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
AND YOUR PUNS ARE SOOO FUNNY.
I HEAR THAT A LOT.
NO YOU DON'T.

JEF THE CYCLIST WENT FOR A BIKE RIDE BEFORE DAWN THIS MORNING, SO HE WORE NEON.
A NEON HELMET?
HEY #%@&* FACE, CYCLIST HERE
SORT OF.
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF DURING BREAKFAST, JEF?
NO.

I THINK THAT INSTEAD OF EXCHANGING GIFTS THIS YEAR, WE SHOULD EACH MAKE A DONATION TO A CHARITY OF THE OTHER GUY'S CHOOSING.
GREAT. I'LL PICK THE RED CROSS.
AND I'LL PICK THE 'HELP RAT RAISE $35,000 TO BUY A LUXURY SEDAN.'
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T DO THIS.
100 PERCENT OF THE PROCEEDS GO TO MAKING THE RAT MORE COMFORTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Crocs decide to get political.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BIT PREJUDICED TO BAN EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BORN HERE?
Me no want that.
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
To keep out the rock band Foreigner.
I SEE.
"I Want To Know What Love Is" drive me nuts.

LIFE IS TERRIBLE. I'M GONNA JUMP AND END IT ALL.
WAIT... WHO SAID THAT?
CLARENCE, YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, HERE TO SHOW YOU WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD YOU NEVER LIVED.
LIKE HERE, LOOK AT YOUR GOOD PAL, PIG... HE DOESN'T HAVE YOU AROUND IN HIS LIFE.
SO HE HAS TO MAKE OTHER FRIENDS. BUT THEY'RE LIKE YOU. AND SUDDENLY, HE'S SELF-CONFIDENT AND HAPPY, AND HIS LIFE HAPPINESS SOARS.
AND THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AT PEACE AND THE MIDDLE EAST IS CALM AND ALL RACES AND CREEDS LIVE TOGETHER IN BROTHERHOOD.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUMP.
NO WAY. I HAVE A SICKENINGLY SWEET WORLD TO DISRUPT.

PIG, WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS ORANGE?
FROM EATING CHEESE PUFFS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WASH YOUR HANDS?
IT'S PERMANENT.
GET HELP.
THERE ARE NO REHAB CLINICS FOR PUFFAHOLICS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGIVING SINS FOR CASH.
THAT'S NOT ETHICAL.
I'M FORGIVEN.

THIS CHURCH IS MAKING IT REALLY EASY TO GET ORDAINED AS A PRIEST. THEY LET YOU DO IT ONLINE.
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE APPLY.
BLESS YOU, MY SON.
IT'S A BAD THING.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF TODAY. MY LACK OF DRIVE... MY LACK OF SELF- DISCIPLINE... MY LACK OF SUCCESS.
WELL, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD.
I'LL GO ON THE INTERNET AND HEAP SCORN ON COMPLETE STRANGERS.
NO.
AHHH... THE JOYS OF ANONYMITY.

I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH PIGITA TONIGHT. I THINK THINGS MIGHT GET PRETTY ROMANTIC.
WELL, MAKE SURE YOU BRING PROTECTION.
YOU THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT?
OF COURSE.
FRIENDS OF YOURS?
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE.

EVERY HEADSTONE, EVERY BOOK, EVERY SCULPTURE, EVERY SONG, EVERY BUILDING, EVERY AWARD, ARE ALL JUST THE SAME THING ... THE INDIVIDUAL CRYING, 'I WAS HERE.'
AND YET EVERY ONE OF US, GIVEN THE PASSAGE OF ENOUGH TIME, IS FORGOTTEN.
SO DRINK BEER, 'CAUSE SOON YOU'LL BE DEAD.
NOT QUITE WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
EMBRACE THE VOID.

Today's Lesson:
The Life of a 17-Year Cicada
Year 1: Stuck in dirt
Year 2: Stuck in dirt
Year 3: Stuck in dirt
Year 4: Stuck in dirt
Year 5: Stuck in dirt
Year 6: Stuck in dirt
Year 7: Stuck in dirt
Year 8: Stuck in dirt
Year 9: Stuck in dirt
Year 10: Stuck in dirt
Year 11: Stuck in dirt
Year 12: Stuck in dirt
Year 13: Stuck in dirt
Year 14: Stuck in dirt
Year 15: Stuck in dirt
Year 16: Stuck in dirt
Year 17:
Emergence
Next four weeks:
Try to find mate
No mate
No mate
No mate
Death
AND I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS BAD.
THEN A BIRD EATS HIM.
FINALLY! SOMEONE MORE ROMANTICALLY DESPERATE THAN ME!!

I HEARD YOU BROKE UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BECAUSE SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA. AND I DON'T BLAME YOU. WHEN IT COMES TO PIZZA TOPPINGS, IT'S ANCHOVIES OR NOTHING.
AND THAT WAS THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I BROKE UP WITH PIGITA. WE FINALLY HIT UPON AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT WE JUST COULDN'T GET PAST.
OH MY GOD. WHAT WAS IT?
SHE LIKES PINEAPPLE ON HER PIZZA.
HAWAIIAN STYLE. THE WORST.
WE'VE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT SPONGE?
I SPILLED CARBONARA SAUCE IN THE KITCHEN. THEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED THROUGH IT AND STEPPED ON THE RUG.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
TRY TO REDUCE MY CARBONARA FOOTPRINT.
YOU RUIN ALL OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS.

I hear you got a new car.
Yeah. Has lots of cool features. Like when you reach up to close the trunk, you just push a button. You don’t have to actually pull the trunk down.
How lazy have we become?
Pretty lazy.
My goal is no physical movement at all.
Hey, look. Obesity is up.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
YES! THE STEELERS COVERED THE SPREAD!
THEY WOULDN'T EVEN HIGH-FIVE ME.

PIG, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PETE. HE'S A PI! KAPPA GAMMA, JUST LIKE I WAS IN COLLEGE. WANT TO GO TO LUNCH WITH US?

OH, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT FOOD. IT'S TORTURE. I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER TALK ABOUT?

ANYTHING... YOUR FRIEND... WHAT FRATERNITY DID YOU SAY HE'S IN?
PETE'S A PI.

AHHHH!!
WITH PEPPERONI AND OLIVES!!!

WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

I NEVER KNOW.

HOW ARE YOUR EGGS, DAD?
RUNNY. BUT I GUESS THEY'RE FINE.
SORRY. THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE I COULD TAKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST THAT WAS NEAR YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH. WELL, WITH THE TRAFFIC NOW, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO GO ANYWHERE.
JUST YESTERDAY, I HAD TO GET TO MY DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. MADE ME TEN MINUTES LATE.
OF COURSE, THAT STUPID DOCTOR IS ALWAYS LATE, TOO. HE'S TERRIBLE.
THE IDIOT DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS PAIN IN MY LEG IS.
HURTS. ALL THE TIME. PAIN. PAIN, PAIN, PAIN. IT'S HORRIBLE.
NOW MY G*#% COFFEE'S COLD.
YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST MORE OFTEN?
'CAUSE LIFE'S JUST...NOT...WORTH...LIVING.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
AN INSPIRATIONAL ALARM CLOCK. I DESIGNED IT TO HELP FOLKS START THEIR DAY ON THE RIGHT NOTE.
*CLICK*
YOUR DAY WILL BE RUINED BY A @#$%*#@ IDIOT.
HOW DOES THAT INSPIRE ME?
YESTERDAY, IT WAS TWO IDIOTS.