Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M GOING TO THE OPERA TONIGHT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OPERA AND A MUSICAL?
AN OPERA IS MORE POMPOUS AND BORING.
NO.
OH, AND THE PERFORMERS MUST BE OBESE.

COUNSELOR, I OBJECT TO YOUR CHARACTERIZATION OF THE EVIDENCE.
OUTRAGEOUS. THIS ENTIRE LINE OF QUESTIONING IS OFFENSIVE.
OFFENSIVE? MR. COURT REPORTER, PLEASE READ THE LAST FEW MINUTES BACK TO ME.
"THE TWO @$$#%*!S ARE ARGUING!"
... AND THEN THEY FIRED ME.

I hear you got a new job.
Yeah. As a court reporter.
Why’d you want to do that?
Because my goal in life is to spend as much time around lawyers as possible.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
But seriously, I’m desperate.

WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK DO PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL HUMP DAY?
ANSWER THAT QUESTION WISELY OR I'LL BAN THIS STRIP IN UTAH, THE DEEP SOUTH, THE BIBLE BELT, AND ALL OF AMISH COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T SAY "WEDNESDAY" IN AMISH COUNTRY?
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
FIRST THEY GROW THE FUNNY BEARDS, THEN THEY BAN "WEDNESDAY"

I'M TIRED OF FAILING AT EVERYTHING I TRY.
WELL, CHANGE THAT.
HOW?
STOP TRYING.
YOU SHOULD REALLY BE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
I KNOW.
TRYING IS FOR LOSERS!

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO HAVING A SUCCESSFUL CAREER?
TO FIND WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO, AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
I LOVE GETTING DRUNK. TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, I OPEN MY MOUTH.
LET ME RE-WORD THAT.
I'M A HUGE Success!!

WELL, YOU SURE LOOK DEPRESSED
SORRY. IT'S JUST MY JOB
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT
OH, THE USUAL. PETTY BOSS. REPETITIVE WORK. LOW PAY
BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO PUT UP WITH A JOB LIKE THAT. YOU NEED MORE OUT OF LIFE
I KNOW
YOU NEED TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF. REACH FOR SOMETHING MORE. REACH FOR THE STARS
REACH FOR THE SKY
OH GOD
NEVER TRY TO INSPIRE A BANKER

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TONIGHT?
I'M GONNA GET INTO MY WARM BED AND READ THIS NEW BOOK I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS.
OR INSTEAD OF DOING THAT, I MIGHT GO OUT IN THE COLD AND STAY UP LATE WITH STRANGERS WHO ARE FIGHTING AND THROWING UP SO I CAN STARE AT THE CLOCK AT 11:59 P.M. AND PRETEND THAT MIDNIGHT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
YOU LEFT OUT THE FUNNY GLASSES.
OH, LOOK, IT'S BEDTIME.

HEY, RAT. I'M HOME.
WHERE WERE YOU?
BIG SALE. THE COUNTY WAS SELLING ALL THEIR SURPLUS CLOTHING.
OH, YEAH? WHICH COUNTY DEPARTMENT?
I'M NOT SURE.

GOALS FOR THE UPCOMING YEAR:
Sleep in more.
Remain fat.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO SET REALISTIC GOALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Comparing da Google to God.
Dis wutuh me have so far.
Look Down on yoo from above
Geey yoo direkshun
See all dirty tings yoo search for
SO IT'S A TIE?
No
Can make driverless cars programted keel Larry
NO.
GOD IS NOT ALL-POWERFUL, LARRY.
No blasfeem da Google, woomun!

Whuh you doing, Larry?
Da Google making driverless cars programed keel Larry. So Larry secretly build wall protect self.
How you keep it secret?
Me not know, Bob. Mebbe me should Google dat and--
You juss blow cover, Larry.
You no can hide nutting from da Google, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Me building wall protect myself against da Google.
GOOGLE?
Yeah. Dey making driverless cars. Me pretty sure dey gonna program dem to run over Larry.
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
Becuss me never pay attenshun to dere leetle ads.
THEY PROBABLY WON'T KILL YOU FOR THAT.
Never trust da Google, son.

HELLO, LITTLE BOY... AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
A TRUCK? A GAME?
I WAS THINKING, SANTA... COULD YOU MAKE PEOPLE A LITTLE LESS GREEDY AND MAYBE LESS MEAN?
AND COULD YOU MAKE SOME OF THEM A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING?
AND HAVE THEM BE KIND TO ANIMALS AND NOT DESTROY THE PLANET...
AND YEAH, NO MORE SHOOTINGS.
WELL, I...
I KNOW, YOU CAN'T. SO HOW ABOUT A BIG "WE'LL JUST HOPE FOR THE BEST" HUG?
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I WANT THAT KID FOR CHRISTMAS.
GIMME AN X-BOX

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TEXTING FACEBOOK MESSENGER THAT I DON'T WANT NOTIFICATIONS TURNED ON.
AND TELLING THEM AGAIN. AND TELLING THEM AGAIN.
AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN...
YOU OKAY?
OHHHHHH, FACEBOOK, WHY DO YOU IGNORE MY NEEDS?

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY AIRLINES LET YOU RECLINE YOUR SEAT.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU CAN ONLY INCREASE YOUR COMFORT BY TAKING IT AWAY FROM SOMEONE ELSE. SO IT'S A TEST TO SEE IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SCREW OVER YOUR FELLOW MAN.
AND I AM!
AH, GOOD.
IT'S OKAY IF THEY'RE STRANGERS.

WE GOT A NEW NEIGHBOR.
WHO?
RUDY THE BROWN-NOSE REINDEER.
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
AND YOUR PUNS ARE SOOO FUNNY.
I HEAR THAT A LOT.
NO YOU DON'T.

JEF THE CYCLIST WENT FOR A BIKE RIDE BEFORE DAWN THIS MORNING, SO HE WORE NEON.
A NEON HELMET?
HEY #%@&* FACE, CYCLIST HERE
SORT OF.
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF DURING BREAKFAST, JEF?
NO.

I THINK THAT INSTEAD OF EXCHANGING GIFTS THIS YEAR, WE SHOULD EACH MAKE A DONATION TO A CHARITY OF THE OTHER GUY'S CHOOSING.
GREAT. I'LL PICK THE RED CROSS.
AND I'LL PICK THE 'HELP RAT RAISE $35,000 TO BUY A LUXURY SEDAN.'
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T DO THIS.
100 PERCENT OF THE PROCEEDS GO TO MAKING THE RAT MORE COMFORTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Crocs decide to get political.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BIT PREJUDICED TO BAN EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BORN HERE?
Me no want that.
THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
To keep out the rock band Foreigner.
I SEE.
"I Want To Know What Love Is" drive me nuts.

LIFE IS TERRIBLE. I'M GONNA JUMP AND END IT ALL.
WAIT... WHO SAID THAT?
CLARENCE, YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, HERE TO SHOW YOU WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD YOU NEVER LIVED.
LIKE HERE, LOOK AT YOUR GOOD PAL, PIG... HE DOESN'T HAVE YOU AROUND IN HIS LIFE.
SO HE HAS TO MAKE OTHER FRIENDS. BUT THEY'RE LIKE YOU. AND SUDDENLY, HE'S SELF-CONFIDENT AND HAPPY, AND HIS LIFE HAPPINESS SOARS.
AND THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AT PEACE AND THE MIDDLE EAST IS CALM AND ALL RACES AND CREEDS LIVE TOGETHER IN BROTHERHOOD.
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUMP.
NO WAY. I HAVE A SICKENINGLY SWEET WORLD TO DISRUPT.

PIG, WHY ARE YOUR FINGERS ORANGE?
FROM EATING CHEESE PUFFS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST WASH YOUR HANDS?
IT'S PERMANENT.
GET HELP.
THERE ARE NO REHAB CLINICS FOR PUFFAHOLICS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FORGIVING SINS FOR CASH.
THAT'S NOT ETHICAL.
I'M FORGIVEN.

THIS CHURCH IS MAKING IT REALLY EASY TO GET ORDAINED AS A PRIEST. THEY LET YOU DO IT ONLINE.
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE APPLY.
BLESS YOU, MY SON.
IT'S A BAD THING.

I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT MYSELF TODAY. MY LACK OF DRIVE... MY LACK OF SELF- DISCIPLINE... MY LACK OF SUCCESS.
WELL, GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD.
I'LL GO ON THE INTERNET AND HEAP SCORN ON COMPLETE STRANGERS.
NO.
AHHH... THE JOYS OF ANONYMITY.