Pearls Before Swine | Search

RULES FOR THIS YEAR'S CHRISTMAS VISIT:
NO JUDGING ME. THAT INCLUDES MY CLOTHES, WEIGHT, CAR, AND WHO I'M DATING.
NO DISCUSSING POLITICS. YOU ARE ALL LOONS.
I DO NOT FIND YOUR BABY/SMALL CHILD AS ENDEARING AS YOU DO. PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING OR THROWING OBJECTS AT MY HEAD.
Please don't tell me how to live my life. Remember, I see you as loons.
And please do not brag about your own life. It makes me want to shove your head into the rear end of the turkey.
Lastly, none of these rules apply to me. I AM GREAT.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A HAPPY FAMILY.

WITH ALL THE OVERPOPULATION IN THE WORLD, WHAT IF WE MADE A RULE THAT COUPLES CAN HAVE NO MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN?
WHY TWO?
BECAUSE THAT ALLOWS THE COUPLE TO REPLICATE ONLY THEMSELVES. AND BESIDES, NO FAMILY'S THIRD CHILD HAS EVER CONTRIBUTED ANYTHING WORTHWHILE TO THIS WORLD.
I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M A THIRD CHILD.
I REITERATE MY POSITION.
GEE, MAYBE TWO SHOULD BE THE RULE.

DO YOU FORGIVE AND FORGET THE BAD THINGS PEOPLE DO TO YOU?
YES. I FORGIVE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.
BUT I NEVER FORGET DIDDLY!!
NEVER MIND.
REMEMBERING IS THE FIRST STEP TO EXACTING VENGEANCE.

HI, PIG... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BRIAN... HE DESIGNS THE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE FOR ALL THE TEXTS PEOPLE SEND.
THAT SEEMS SO COMPLEX. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT WORD TO CHANGE IT TO ?
I FIND THE MOST EMBARRASSING AND PICK THAT.
THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.
PROGRAMMERS NEED JOY IN THEIR LIVES, ALSO!

DID YOU KNOW THAT FOUR BABIES ARE BORN EVERY SECOND?
WHERE'D YOU READ THAT?
BOOM. OUT POP EIGHT BABIES.
WHAT?
BOOM. OUT POP FOUR MORE.
AH. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. SO I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE MINUTES TO USE THE RESTROOM AND WHEN I COME BACK, MAYBE YOU'LL BE DONE.
AND THERE'LL BE 480 NEW BABIES!!
WILL THEY BE COMMUTING ON MY FREEWAY?

MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, PIG. MY EX-WIFE IS DATING ONE CLOWN AFTER ANOTHER.
AW, STEPH. THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A NICE THING TO SAY.
THANK YOU, RONALD... I HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT.
SHE'S A SUCKER FOR A HAPPY MEAL.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT YOUR NUMBER IS UP.
OHHH, GAWWWD!! I'M TOO YOUNG!! I HAVE A WIFE!! AND KIDS!! OHH GAWWWDD!!!
MAYBE NEXT TIME I'LL COME TO THE DELI ALONE.
YOU GONNA GET YOUR SANDWICH OR NOT, PAL?

HEY THERE. WELCOME TO MY NEW MUSEUM.
WHAT'S IN IT?
STEP AROUND THESE BOXES AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT IS IT?
A SCULPTURE OF A BIRD'S HEAD
AND THIS?
A TURTLE EATING LETTUCE
A WOLF HOWLING?
YUP.
WHAT'S THIS ONE?
A SQUARE-HEADED DOG BEGGING FOR FOOD.
AND THAT?
A MORAY EEL RISING OUT OF HIS CAVE TO EAT.
WELL, THANK YOU, PIG. IT WAS NICE SEEING --
MUSEUM OF U.S. STATES
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER
NINE STATES. NAME 'EM ALL.
I ONLY SEE A FRAMED BUS.

DID YOU SEE THAT GUY IN THE PAPER WHO WISHES ITALY COULD RETURN TO THE DAYS OF THE DICTATOR BENITO MUSSOLINI?
HE'S IN FAVOR OF THE MAN THEY CALLED 'IL DUCE'?
YEAH, AND TO RAISE MONEY, HE'S GROWING HIS OWN FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE BUSINESS?
'PRO-DUCE PRODUCED PRODUCE.'
I'M ANTI-YOU.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN DIAL 3-1-1 AND GET INFORMATION?
ABOUT WHAT?
ALL SORTS OF STUFF.
YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT CITY SERVICES, STRAY ANIMALS, BUILDING PERMITS, UTILITIES, PARKS, POTHOLES, YOU NAME IT.
BEEP BOOP BOOP
WHY DO I EXIST?
THEY WERE NO HELP.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
A GREAT TOY I INVENTED. IT'S A NEW TAKE ON THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX. CRANK THE HANDLE AND TRY IT.
DA DOO DA DOO DA DOODADAD DO DA DOO DA DOO DO
DUCK-IN-A-BOX IS NOT A GOOD TOY.
'TOYS R US', HERE I COME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M MAKING A STENCILED SIGN WELCOMING RAT HOME FROM HIS VACATION. BUT I DON'T HAVE AN 'R'.
DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
WELCOME HOME, F'IEND!
I GUESS NOT.

HEY, CONNIE COW, WANT TO GO WITH ME TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S WEDDING? I DON'T HAVE A GUEST.
SURE. BUT MY UDDER IS SIGNIFICANTLY LARGER THAN NORMAL, SO I MAY BE UNCOMFORTABLE.
HEY, PIG. ARE YOU GOING TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S WEDDING WITH ANYONE?
YEAH. JUST CONNIE AND HER SIGNIFICANT UDDER.
NO WONDER YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU SELLING, PIG?
TURTLES WITH BROKEN LEGS. I'M HOPING THEY CAN FIND A CARING HOME WHERE THEY CAN REGAIN THEIR HEALTH.
HOW MUCH DO THEY RUN?
THEY DON'T. THEY'RE TURTLES WITH BROKEN LEGS.
I HATE STUPID QUESTIONS.

HEY THERE, GOAT. DID THE POWER OUTAGE AFFECT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD YESTERDAY?
YEAH. NO WAY TO CHARGE MY MOBILE DEVICES OR ANYTHING.
OH MY. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT OUTSIDE WITH SOME COFFEE AND JUST READ A NEWSPAPER.
THEN WHAT?
I THEN WENT TO MY LIBRARY AND GRABBED AN OLD BOOK, THE KIND WHERE THE PAGES HAVE THAT OLD MUSTY SMELL.
AND THEN WHAT?
THEN I WENT FOR A LONG WALK OUTSIDE WITHOUT ANY EMAIL TO CHECK OR G.P.S. TO GUIDE ME.
AND DID YOU GET LOST?
I DID. AND I HOPE TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
HE NEEDS HELP.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE A HARD WORKER?
EVER HEARD OF THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE?
YEAH.
THAT PATH'S TOO MUCH EFFORT FOR ME.
I SEE.
I PREFER THE PATH OF BEER AND SLEEP.

IT SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY... THE BIRDS, THE SUN... DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE VIEW FROM THIS CLIFF, PIG?
CLIFFS CAN KILL YOU. SUNLIGHT CAN KILL YOU. BIRDS CAN KILL YOU.
NEXT TIME WE LEAVE THE WORRYWARTHOG AT HOME.
HOME? WHERE 77% OF ALL ACCIDENT-RELATED INJURIES OCCUR?

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEWEST CHARACTER... A WARTHOG...
HE'S JUST A PLAIN OLD WARTHOG?
I KNEW I WOULDN'T BE ACCEPTED. I'LL PROBABLY FAIL AND EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG AND I'LL GET FIRED AND GET SICK AND DIE.
A WORRYWART-HOG?
OH, GREAT... YOU'RE WHISPERING ABOUT ME... I'LL JUST FIRE MYSELF NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WE HAVE ANTS, SO I'M GONNA SPRAY
THEM WITH THIS ANT SPRAY.
DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD?
NO. BECAUSE ANTS DON'T SCREAM OR CRY FOR HELP, WHICH WE TAKE TO MEAN THEY DON'T SUFFER, WHICH ALLOWS US TO KILL THEM WITH IMPUNITY.
AHHHHHHHHHH!
LORDY! LORDY!
A DINGO TOOK MY BABY!
WELL, THAT WAS CREATIVE.
THOSE DARN DINGOS.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO MAKE THIS PUZZLE OF A KITTY KAT WITH US?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT WHEN YOU'RE DONE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE'LL JUST BREAK IT ALL UP AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX.
I SEE. SO IT'S AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT OUR ROLE HERE ON EARTH IS SIMPLY TO PASS THE TIME UNTIL ONE DAY WE DIE.
WELL, I, FOR ONE, DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASY.
I JUST LIKE LOOKING AT KITTIES.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A KIDS BOOK. IT'S A LOT LIKE "CURIOUS GEORGE", BUT I TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER.
HOW DO YOU TAKE "CURIOUS GEORGE" A STEP FURTHER?
BY MAKING HIM THIS...
Stalker George
KIDS BOOKS SHOULDN'T BE CREEPY.
I'M CHANGING THAT.

HEY, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY BRITISH PAL, MR. DOWNS.
HI. HOW YOU DOING?
NOT WELL, LADYS.
WHAT'S WRONG, DOWNS?
I'VE BEEN COOKING THIS ROAST IN A WOK, BUT MY WIFE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
WHY ARE YOU USING A WOK?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MY WIFE'S NAN USED TO DO IT.
WHAT'S A NAN?
THAT'S WHAT WE BRITS CALL OUR GRANDMA. AND EVER SINCE MY WIFE'S NAN DIED YEARS AGO, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE USED TO DO FOR MY WIFE.
SO MANY ROASTS TO COOK AND DOUBT I'LL EVER REPLACE HER NAN.
TRY AS I MIGHT TO COOK IN THIS WOK, I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T DO THE TRICK.
HOW MANY ROASTS MUST A MAN COOK, DOWNS, BEFORE THEY CALL HIM A NAN?
THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING UP THE CARTOONIST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING A BABY.
WHY?
OHHH...WHAT A CUTE BABY...YOU MUST BE A CARING, SENSITIVE MAN...HERE'S MY NUMBER...LET'S GET A DRINK SOME TIME.
A NEW LOW.
YOU CAN RENT THEM BY THE HOUR.
I WILL RENT A DOZEN!

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SMACK
SELFIE STICKS HAVE MANY USES.

DO YOU THINK A GIRL WOULD BREAK UP WITH ME JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT A GREAT KISSER?
OF COURSE NOT, PIG. BUT WHY? HOW DO YOU KISS?
PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
NUTS. I DROOLED ON YOUR PANCAKE.