Pearls Before Swine | Search

MY BUDDY EMANUEL IS MEETING US HERE TODAY. HE'S A HYGIENIST, BUT HE'S A BIT SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE JUST GOT FIRED FOR NOT CLEANING TEETH VERY WELL.
I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A DENTIST SINCE I GOT A GREAT NEW ELECTRIC TOOTH-BRUSH.
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY NEW.-?
IT CLEANS TEETH WAY BETTER THAN A MANUAL.
NOOOOO
HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
DIDN'T MEAN WHAT?

WHHAAAAHH!
IF ALL OF LIFE WAS LIKE FLYING COACH!
I BASED IT ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
HAVE SIX PEANUTS!

I'M STARTING TO THINK I MAY BE A PROPHET.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE I PREDICT THINGS AND THEN THEY HAPPEN. LIKE RIGHT NOW, I CAN SEE THAT SOMETHING BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO PIG.
THAT DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A PROPHET.
UH-OH... SOMETHING BAD'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

HEY, GOAT.
I'M HERE.
YOU'RE LATE.
I SAID I'D BE HERE AT TWO-ISH.
IT'S SIX O'CLOCK.
'ISH' BUYS YOU A LOT OF TIME.
NOT FOUR HOURS!
AN 'ISH' IS VERY FLEXIBLE.

DID YOU HEAR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS CHANGING THE LABELS ON FOOD TO MAKE CERTAIN DIETARY INFO CLEARER?
REALLY?
YEAH...CHECK THE LABEL ON YOUR CINNAMON BUN.
"YOUR ARTERIES ARE CLOGGING FASTER THAN THE LINE AT THE FRONT DOOR OF A FAT GUYS' CONVENTION."
WELL, NOW THAT'S AN INTERESTING VISUAL.
MY PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN CONVENTION.

HOW'S IT GOING,
BIOLOGIST
BOB?
GOOD. BEEN DOING
A LOT OF GENETIC
RESEARCH ON CHIMPS.
IT'S HELPFUL 'CAUSE
AS A HUMAN, I SHARE
99% OF THEIR GENES.
LIES.
WHY DO
YOU SAY
THAT?
BECAUSE YOU COULD
NEVER FIT INTO THEIR
LITTLE PANTS.
YOU'RE
WHY
SCIENTISTS
ARE ANTI-
SOCIAL.
AND WHAT
MONKEY EVEN
WANTS YOUR
FRUMPY OLD
DAD JEANS?

HEY, RAT, WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TODAY?
CAN'T. BUSY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FINDING EVERYONE WHO ENDS THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS WITH "JUST SAYIN'" AND BEATING THEM OVER THE HEAD.
THAT'S GONNA BE A BUSY DAY.
HAHA, YEAH... JUST SAY
CRACK

OKAY, GOAT, TODAY IS THE DAY I TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND WHY IS THAT?
PRECEDENCE DAY.
PRESIDENTS DAY.
OH, WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THEM?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I OPENED UP A SANDWICH SHOP. BUT THE NICE SIGN IS DEAD.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I HIRED AN ELECTRICIAN. HE’S A DING DONG.
THE LITTLE SNACK CAKES?
YEP. AND I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.
HEY, DING DONG, HOW GOES IT?
I THINK I FOUND THE PROBLEM, PIG. I’M GONNA TURN IT ON IF IT’S STILL DEAD.
WELL?
DING DONG, THE ‘WICH’ IS DEAD!
I DROPPED A HOUSE ON HIM.

PRESIDENT RAT
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D BE A SERIOUS PRESIDENT. THAT I'D BE TOO DISTRACTED BY PETTY CONCERNS.
WELL, I'M NOT. IN MY FIRST 100 DAYS, I WILL TAKE ON ALL THE BIG ISSUES FACING THIS COUNTRY.
WHAT FIRST, SIR?
NO MORE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA.
I SEE.
EATING IT WILL BE A FELONY.

HAVE YOU EVER READ "THE ROAD NOT TAKEN" BY ROBERT FROST? IT REALLY IS AN AMAZING POEM.
SURE. I KNOW THAT ONE.
TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD AND I - I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY. AND MY CAR HIT A BIG G@#$%#$@ ROCK, AND I WAS STRANDED FOR SIX HOURS.
THAT'S NOT HOW IT ENDS.
OH, YEAH. THEN THERE'S THE TOW TRUCK.

HEY, PIG, WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
THE MOVIES. WANT TO GO WITH ME?
WHO, ME? LIL’ OL’ ME? I MEAN, I’D LOVE TO, IF YOU REALLY WANTED ME TO. BUT I’M SURE YOU DON’T REALLY WANT THAT.
IT’S FINE. JUST STOP BEING COY.
HOW RACIST.

THIS IDIOT CARTOONIST NAMED MATT WUERKER DID A CARTOON MAKING FUN OF ME. IS HE ALLOWED TO DO THAT?
YES, SIR. THAT'S HIS FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT.
OH.
WHY?
Hey, @wuerker, @CIA coming over to punch U in face
NOT AN OPTION, SIR.
OH... WELL, CAN THE F.B.I. KICK HIM IN THE HOO-HA'S?

'LOVE IS LIKE MAYONNAISE'
'AT FIRST IT'S GOOD. THEN IT GOES BAD. MAKES YOU SICK.'
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE YOUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS.
It thought dat count.

HEY, RAT. IT’S ME, GOAT. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I’M IN ATLANTA. I’M TRYING TO FIND THAT BAR YOU TOLD ME ABOUT.
YOU JUST TAKE PEACHTREE STREET TO PEACHTREE AVENUE, THEN MAKE A LEFT ON PEACHTREE DRIVE AND CROSS PEACHTREE WAY TIL YOU GET TO PEACHTREE CIRCLE AND IT’S RIGHT THERE ON PEACHTREE PLAZA.
SURELY THIS IS A CRUEL JOKE.
THEY LIKE THEIR PEACHES.

WHAT IF THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT OUR REAL GOVERNMENT?! WHAT IF THE MILITARY AND THE DEFENSE ESTABLISHMENT IS IN CHARGE?
AND WHAT IF THEIR GOAL IS TO KEEP US IN A PERPETUAL STATE OF FEAR SO THAT WE NEVER QUESTION THINGS AND WHAT IF A COMIC STRIP POINTED ALL THIS OUT?!
WOULD THEY LET THAT HAPPEN? OR WOULD WE BE REPLACED BY SOME HARMLESS AND SAPPI...
FASTER... FASTER...
I FEEL ALL WARM AND HAPPY WHEN I SEE MOMMY AND DADDY KISSING!

Did you hear about this politician? He died by his own hand.
Did it attack him in his sleep?
Let's start over.
Poor politicians. Even their own hands hate them.

THIS MAY BE THE GREATEST FIRST DATE EVER.
WE HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS, HOPES, GOALS, FEARS, DESIRES, HOBBIES.
WE COULDN'T BE MORE COMPATIBLE.
YEP. AND IT SOUNDS LIKE WE BOTH VOTED FOR THIS PERSON FOR PRESIDENT.
AND WE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN.

IF YOU CUT OUT FATTY FOODS AND ALCOHOL AND SMOKING AND PARTYING AND ALL RISKY BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND, YOU LIVE FOR LONGER, RIGHT.
RIGHT.
BUT THEN WHAT ARE YOU LIVING FOR
NEVER BE SURGEON GENERAL.
LONGER'S NOT ALWAYS BETTER, BABY!

CAN PEOPLE GET THEIR MONEY BACK IF THEY DON'T LIKE TODAY'S STRIP?
WELL, NO. THEY'RE NOT REALLY SPENDING ANY MONEY ON IT.
THEY ARE IF THEY BUY A NEWSPAPER.
WELL, THEN, I GUESS YOU COULD ASK THEM WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THEIR NEWSPAPER ENJOYMENT COMES FROM "PEARLS" AND GIVE THEM THAT PERCENTAGE BACK.
0.000%.
WELL, THAT MAKES THE MATH EASY.
PLEASE STAY OUT OF MY HOUSE, RANDOM NEWSPAPER READERS.

RAT THE PRESIDENT
I GUESS SOME OF RAT'S ADVISORS HAVE WARNED HIM ABOUT ALL OF HIS TWEETING
WHY IS THAT?
THEY JUST WANT HIS TWEETS TO BE A BIT MORE PRESIDENTIAL
WHAT'S NOT PRESIDENTIAL ABOUT THEM?
President Rat
NUCLEAR WAR!!!!!!!!
JK. Party on.

GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT... WHAT'S ON OUR AGENDA FOR TODAY?
ATTACKING FRANCE. BY LAND, BY SEA, AND BY AIR.
MY GOD, THEY'VE BEEN ONE OF OUR ALLIES FOR ALMOST 250 YEARS. WHAT HAPPENED?
SOME KID THERE TWEETED THAT I HAD A BIG NOSE.
COULD WE MAYBE JUST IGNORE HIM?
CAN'T. HE HAS 400 FOLLOWERS.

RAT DOESN'T LIKE THE GUY BEHIND US. HE HATES HIM.
SO HE'S BUILDING A WALL THERE TOO?
YEP. AND SAME WITH THE GUY IN FRONT OF YOU.
RAT DOESN'T LIKE HIM?
NOPE... AND HE DOESN'T LIKE DON, THE NEIGHBOR ON THE OTHER SIDE.
TELLING NEIGHBOR BOB THAT WE'RE BUILDING A WALL BETWEEN OUR HOUSES.
RAT TODAY?
THAT JUST LEAVES THE NEIGHBOR IN FRONT OF YOU.
WHO RAT DOESN'T LIKE EITHER.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT I THINK I JUST BUILT A PRISON.
OUR DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.
BAKE ME A CAKE WITH A SAW IN IT!

HOW FAR IN ADVANCE DO YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR COMIC STRIP?
FOUR WEEKS. BUT I WORK REALLY DILIGENTLY ON STAYING OVER SIX MONTHS AHEAD.
LIFE MUST BE EASIER WHEN YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
HUGE TIME-SAVER.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
TO CHECK ON MY STORAGE UNIT.
WHY'D YOU NEED A STORAGE UNIT?
TO HAVE A PLACE WHERE I COULD STORE ALL THE HAPPY MEMORIES FROM MY LIFE.
MELANCHOLY LIVES SAVE A FORTUNE ON STORAGE FEES.