Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M HAVING DINNER WITH A PROFESSOR FRIEND OF MINE TONIGHT. WANT TO COME ALONG?
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND LIKE?
HE'S SORT OF THE ACADEMIC TYPE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS HE BORES THE S#&$ OUT OF PEOPLE.
MAYBE I'LL EAT ALONE.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR.
OH, GREAT... I LOVE HISTORY...
IS YOUR QUESTION ABOUT GETTYSBURG? ROBERT E. LEE? APPOMATTOX?
WAS IT A WAR BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH DAKOTA?
LET'S START OVER.
BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH JERSEY?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE TRY TO GET SOMEONE ELSE DECLARED 'INCOMPETENT'?
WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S TO GET THAT PERSON'S MONEY AND GET THEM PUT INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION.
OH.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
AND NOTE THE DUMB WAY HE WEARS HIS HAT.
LEMME GUESS... TWO AUTOGRAPH SEEKERS?

HELLO?
HEY, PIG... IT'S ME, GOAT... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AWHILE.
OH, GOAT... I'M SORRY. I THINK I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND MYSELF.
THAT'S NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR, PIG. THAT SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.
IT IS?
SURE. SOME PEOPLE FIND IT THROUGH TRAVEL. SOME THROUGH READING. OR SPIRITUALITY. OR CRAFT.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET DISCOURAGED... SOMETIMES THAT SEARCH CAN TAKE YEARS.
THEN I'LL BE AT THE MALL A VERY LONG TIME.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD MORE FRIENDS?
WHAT FOR?
FRIENDS BROADEN YOUR KNOWLEDGE, TEACH YOU NEW STUFF, SHOW YOU AROUND NEW PLACES.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED GOOGLE.
SEARCH ENGINES AREN'T FRIENDS.
I'D SAY WE'RE BESTIES.

WHY DOES JEF THE CYCLIST ALWAYS HAVE TO WEAR SPANDEX?
I GUESS HE THINKS SPANDEX IS FLATTERING TO THE HUMAN BODY.
WELL, GUESS WHO TOOK UP CYCLING.
MY EYES CAN'T UN-SEE THAT.
IF ONLY STACI COULD SEE ME NOW.
ARE YOU CYCLING WITH CHILD?

RAT, THE SPORTS REPORTER
I'M HERE WITH OUR FOOTBALL ANALYST, TRENT. TRENT, WHAT'S THE KEY TO TODAY'S GAME?
RAT, THE KEY TODAY WILL BE SCORING POINTS.
GOOD, TRENT. SCORING POINTS SEEMS TO BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF WINNING A FOOTBALL GAME. WHICH RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION... DOES SOMEONE ACTUALLY PAY YOU FOR THIS?
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.
SO, TRENT, WILL SHOWING UP FOR THE GAME BE ANOTHER KEY?

RAT, THE SPORTS REPORTER
YOU HAD A GREAT GAME OUT THERE TODAY... TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THE VICTORY?
FIRST AND FOREMOST, TO GOD.
SO GOD WAS UP THERE ACTIVELY ROOTING AGAINST THE OTHER TEAM AND SLAMMING THE COFFEE TABLE WHEN THEY GOT A FIRST DOWN?
I SEE I'VE CONFUSED YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?

WRITING A NOVEL. BUT IT'S TOO HARD TO THINK OF IDEAS. TOO TAXING TO BE ORIGINAL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
FIND A JOB WHERE SOMEONE WILL PAY ME TO UTTER NOTHING BUT TRITE APHORISMS AND GLIB CLICHES.
AND WHO'S GONNA PAY YOU TO DO THAT?
GREAT GAME. DID YOU GIVE 110% OR WAS IT A TOTAL TEAM EFFORT?

WE'RE GETTING CITED BY THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION FOR AN UNSIGHTLY FRONT YARD.
WHAT? I'VE BEEN MOWING THE LAWN WEEKLY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THE LAWN.
WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?
AHOY, MATEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT? IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.
I KNOW. THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS ASLEEP.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA CALL BOMBAST CABLE.
WHY?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I NORMALLY CALL, A RECORDING TELLS ME THEY ARE EXPERIENCING AN UNUSUALLY HIGH CALL VOLUME. BUT NOT NOW! NOT NOW, BABY. NOT AT TWO O'CLOCK IN THE FREAKING MORNING!
Hello. We apologize for placing you on hold, due to an unusually high call volume...
AAAAAUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO BED.
WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, BOMBAST? WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS, PLEASE?

HEY, PIG. WHY DIDN'T YOU MEET ME AT THE CAFE'S?
CAN'T TALK, GOAT. WE HAVE A SWAT TEAM CRAWLING ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
OH MY GOD, PIG... IS IT A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN ASK.
ARE YOU TAKING THE FLY HOSTAGE?
NO.

PIG, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO BOB. HE WORKS FOR THE D.O.D.
WHAT'S THE D.O.D.?
DEPART- MENT OF DEFENSE.
I'M A CATE. I WORK WITH THE CAF AND THE CF ON THE DPI AND THE DCP FOR THE DOD IN ACCORD WITH IDS, NMCS, NIMS AND NDMS.
DOES HE SPEAK ENGLISH?
OMG. ROTFL.

HEY, EDDIE THE EAGLE. I HEARD YOU'RE THINKING OF MOVING TO EITHER CLEVELAND OR MIAMI. HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION YET?
I HAVE.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M GONNA TAKE MY TALONS TO SOUTH BEACH.
WE'RE EJECTING YOU FROM THE COMIC STRIP.

SIR, THE MIDDLE EAST IS IN TURMOIL ONCE AGAIN. PERMISSION TO MOVE MY NAVAL FLEET TO THAT PART OF THE GLOBE?
WHATEVER YOU NEED, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
GOING TO THE BATHROOM JUST GOT A LOT LESS CONVENIENT.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT BEFORE VOTING, YOU NEED TO ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR GOVERNMENT.
NO PROBLEM.
NAME JUST ONE JUSTICE OF THE U.S. SUPREME COURT.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
THAT'S AMERICAN IDOL.
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
PLEASE, SIR. STEP AWAY FROM THE VOTING BOOTH.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE TO KNOW BASIC INFORMATION ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT BEFORE BEING ABLE TO VOTE?
OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S VERY ELITIST.
THIRTY-FIVE PERCENT OF AMERICANS CANNOT NAME A SINGLE BRANCH OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
OKAY,
MAYBE A SMALL TEST.
OH, AND EIGHT PERCENT BELIEVE ELVIS IS ALIVE.

RAT CHANNELS THE SPIRIT OF RUBE GOLDBERG
Stephan (A) tells a bad pun that nobody likes.
Causing reader (B) to throw newspaper in disgust.
Hitting a random dog (C).
Who gets angry and bites the leg of a random flute player (D).
Causing the flute to hit a very high note (E).
That distracts two drivers (F), both named Burt, who crash into each other and die.
Which Stephan reads about in a newspaper, giving him an idea (G).
About killing two Burts with one stone. (H)
NOTE:
YOU ARE NO RUBE.
YOU ARE A RUBE.
OW.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
A WAR HISTORY. THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT ALL THE CARPET BOMBING THAT OCCURRED.
SOMEONE MUST REALLY HATE CARPETS.
I'M GOING TO READ SILENTLY NOW.
WHO WAS FIGHTING-- TWO INTERIOR DECORATORS?

HEARD YOU'RE SICK, STEPH. JUST REMEMBER--FEED A FEVER, STARVE A COLD.
I THOUGHT IT WAS "FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER."
I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S 'FEED A FEVER, STARVE A COLD.'
I HEARD IT'S 'FEED A BEAVER, STARVE A COLD.'
I HEARD IT'S "FEED TOM SEAVER, STARVE A-ROD."
ENOUGH!
LET'S JUST STARVE STEPH ON PRINCIPLE.

I HEARD YOUR EVIL GUARD DUCK JOINED THE NAVY.
YEAH. AND HE’S ALREADY INVOLVED IN HIS FIRST NAVAL ENGAGEMENT.
OH, NO. AGAINST WHOM?
SNUFFLES THE CAT. THE TWO OF THEM HAD A FALLING OUT.
IT'S NOT QUITE THE MONITOR AND THE MERRIMAC, IS IT?

IN THE PAST, IF YOU HAD AN IMPORTANT IDEA YOU WANTED TO EXPRESS TO THE WORLD, YOU NEEDED A TYPEWRITER AND THE POST OFFICE AND AN AGENT AND A YEAR OF WAITING AND A PUBLISHER AND A CHAIN OF BOOKSTORES AND THEN MAYBE YOU GOT A REACTION.
AND NOW?
I'm eating sausage links.
44 COMMENTS:
Honey248:
Sausage suxxx
I8Everyone:
Sausage ROCKS!!!
DerekTCI161:
STOP KILLIN ANIMALS
LET'S GO BACK TO THE OLD WAY.

HEY, PIG, CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM? I GOTTA GO BAD.
SURE, STEPH. RIGHT IN THERE.
I THINK I'LL HOLD IT.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I'VE DECIDED TO SHIFT MY FOCUS TO AMPHIBIOUS OPERATIONS.
SO I'LL NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN PROCURING A SHELTERED WATERWAY, ONE THAT I CAN USE AS AN OPERATIONAL BASE.
I EXPECTED MORE.

DING DONG DING DONG
HEY. NICE COSTUMES, RAT AND PIG.
PLEASE GIVE US CANDY, NEIGHBOR BOB.
OR WE'LL WRITE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU ON TWITTER.
WRITE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ON TWITTER? WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN GREETING IS THAT?
TRICK OR TWEET.
WE GOT MORE CANDY THAN EVER.
SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE KEY TO EXTORTION.