Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU INSTALLING, RAT?
THIS NEW, ADVANCED SOFTWARE. IT ALLOWS ME TO GO ONLINE AND BUY BEER.
WHAT'S ADVANCED ABOUT THAT? YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND BUY ANYTHING.
I'M HOPING FOR A FREE NACHOS UPGRADE.

HI, PIG. THIS IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA'S MOTHER. I HEAR SHE'S WEARING NEW CLOTHES AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
WELL, I'M NOT INTO THE HATS SHE'S WEARING, AND I'M NOT INTO THE SHOES.
DO YOU LIKE ANY OF IT?
WELL, I'M STARTING TO GET INTO HER PANTS.
MY GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER CAN BE TEMPERAMENTAL.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION CLASS. HE WANTS TO LEARN HOW THE POLICE DO IT.
WHAT DO THEY TEACH THEM?
WELL, I THINK THE FIRST CLASS IS JUST FINDING OUT HOW YOU'D NATURALLY REACT TO A FRIEND OF YOURS BEING TAKEN HOSTAGE.
WE NEVER LIKED HIM MUCH ANYWAYS!!
OKAY... UH... NOT IDEAL.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA DOING TODAY?
HE'S TAKING A BATH WITH HUNDREDS OF MARGINALLY CLEAN STRANGERS.
I'M GOING SWIMMING AT THE PUBLIC POOL.
I THINK I SAID THAT.

I'M LEARNING HOW TO TURN WOOD INTO PAPER.
WHO'S TEACHING YOU?
A PRIEST. HE TEACHES ME RIGHT FROM THE PULPIT.
AND HE USES VISUAL AIDS LIKE PUPPETS TO MAKE IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
PIG'S A PULPIT PUPPET PULPING PUPIL.
I SHALL BEAT YOU TO A PULP.

Bob was angry.
I will fly to Las Vegas and that will make me happy.
Near the end of the flight, the flight attendant made an announcement.
We've begun our descent. But to have some fun with a game I call, "Get to Know Your Fellow Passengers."
"Here’s how it works: One person will speak and say their favorite thing about this trip to Vegas. Then the next person will say it to the previous person and then say their favorite thing about this trip.”
"I’ll go first," said the flight attendant. "My name is Katy. I like the Vegas hotels."
The angriest man named Jack stood up. "Hey, I am Jack. The casinos.”
Angry Bob, excited by how much fun he was having on the flight, stood up next.
"Hi, Jack! This airplane!"
T.S.A. officials arrested Bob upon arrival.
FUN IS OVERRATED.

I THINK I HAVE TO GIVE MY HAMSTER AWAY. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO CARE FOR IT ANYMORE.
SEND HIM TO THAT CITY IN EUROPE THAT THEY CONTROL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HAMSTERDAM.
AMSTERDAM. AND IT'S NOT FOR HAMSTERS.
THEN WHAT HOLDS BACK THE HAMSTER RIVER?

HEY, GOAT... WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR A BOOK TO BECOME KNOWN AS GREAT LITERATURE?
IT HAS TO BOTH BORE AND CONFUSE EVERYONE.
NO.
EXCEPT FOR HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHERS. THEY HAVE TO LIKE IT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE?

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
'KILLING PATTON' BY BILL O’REILLY.
INTERESTING. WHAT ARE SOME OF HIS OTHER WORKS?
'KILLING KENNEDY.' 'KILLING JESUS.' 'KILLING LINCOLN.'
I SENSE A THEME.
THE MAN HAS A GIFT!!

HEY, PIG, THIS IS HAROLD. HE TEACHES A NUMBER OF LANGUAGES AT THE UNIVERSITY.
I SEE. WHAT LANGUAGES DO YOU ENJOY THE MOST?
WELL, AT SCHOOL, IT'S AXIOMATIC THAT MY TASTES CAN BE A BIT MERCURIAL AND ANTEDILUVIAN.
POMPOUSSE.

I GOT A RECALL NOTICE.
WHAT ARE THEY RECALLING? YOUR CAR?
ME.
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT YOUR YEAR.

BOOOOO
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
BOOING THIS PLAY. THE ACTING IS AMATEURISH. THE SINGING IS POOR. AND THE PRODUCTION VALUE IS NOT UP TO PAR.
IT'S A FIFTH GRADE SCHOOL PLAY.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE RATHER SHORT
BOOOOOOO SHORT PEOPLE!

WHY DO WE HAVE TO PASS A TEST TO DRIVE?
BECAUSE THERE ARE MANY LIVES INVOLVED IN DRIVING.
AND DRIVERS HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE TO DO THAT?
OF COURSE.
AND WHO MAKES THE RULES OF THE ROAD?
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.
AND GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE TO DO THAT?
OF COURSE.
AND WHO ELECTS THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS?
WE DO WHEN WE VOTE.
AND WE HAVE TO BE KNOWLEDGEABLE TO DO THAT?
WE DON'T HAVE TO KNOW SQUAT!!
I LIKE TO FIND FLAWS IN THE SYSTEM.

AT WHAT POINT DOES A HOME REPAIR
PROJECT BECOME TOO BIG AND TOO
COMPLEX FOR YOU, SUCH THAT YOU
FEEL THE NEED TO CALL IN A REPAIR
PROFESSIONAL ?
IF IT INVOLVES A HAMMER.
NOT THE
HANDY
TYPE ?
OR IF THE
BATTERY COVER
FALLS OFF THE
REMOTE.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT...I'M MAKING BABY DOLLS FOR KIDS. IN FACT, I'M SEWING SO MANY I CAN'T KEEP UP AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
ASK AROUND HERE AT THE CAFE. I'M SURE THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE WHO NEED WORK.
PARDON ME, MA'AM, BUT WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE BABIES WITH ME?
NO ONE NEEDS WORK.

RAT AND PIG HAVE FOUND A MONEY TREE
OKAY, PIG. NOW THAT WE'VE FOUND THE MONEY TREE, WE HAVE TO GUARD AGAINST ANYONE ELSE FINDING IT, BUT IN A SMART, SUBTLE WAY THAT DOESN'T AROUSE SUSPICION.
HEY GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU -- WHOA, IS THAT MONEY UP ---
REMEMBER -- HE GOT HIT BY A VERY LARGE COCONUT.

HEY, STEPH,
WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU DRAW
ME WITHOUT
HORNS?
LIKE
THIS?
YEAH, AND THEN
MAYBE SHORTEN MY
SNOUT AND MAYBE
MAKE IT A LITTLE
SMALLER.
YOU KNOW,
SOME CAR-
TOONISTS
HAVE MORE
THAN ONE
CHARACTER
DESIGN.
I KNOW!
HEY, STEPH,
WHAT HAPPENS
IF YOU ERASE
MY STRIPES
AND GIVE ME A
MOHAWK?

RAT AND PIG HAVE FOUND A MONEY TREE. RAT HAS SPENT 24 HOURS SHAKING IT.
YOU SHOULD COME IN NOW, RAT. YOU'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOREVER.
I WILL SHAKE THIS TREE TILL THE END OF GORFHING TIME!
WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU SPENDING SO MUCH TIME IN NATURE. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE AN ENVIRONMENTALIST NOW. AND LOOK, THE TREE HAS A CUTE LIL' SQUIRREL!
TOUCH MY MONEY AND I'LL RIP YOUR LITTLE SQUIRREL ARMS OFF!!!
I DON'T THINK THE SIERRA CLUB WOULD APPROVE OF THAT.
HE'S STUFFING MONEY IN HIS CHEEKS! HE'S STUFFING MONEY IN HIS CHEEKS!

THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION WANTS TO CUT DOWN THIS TREE.
SO WHAT? IT'S A STUPID TREE.
I THINK IT'S A SPECIAL TREE.
OH, PLEASE. WHY IS IT ANY MORE SPECIAL THAN ANY OTHER TREE?
BECAUSE WHEN I SHAKE IT, MONEY FALLS OUT.
I'M A TREE-HUGGING HIPPIE.

CAN I PLEASE TALK TO PIG : )
HI, PIG... I HAVE YOUR TEST RESULTS.
OH MY GOODNESS, THEY'RE NEGATIVE?
THEY'RE NEGATIVE.
OH, GAH... NOOOooo... HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT : (
RELAX, PIG. IT'S A POSITIVE THING.
NEGATIVE IS POSITIVE?
THEN WHAT'S A POSITIVE RESULT?
A NEGATIVE THING.
POSITIVE IS NEGATIVE?
YES.
ARE YOU SURE?
OH, GAHDD.... NOOOOO... HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
NEXT TIME, YOU CALL HIM.
YOU LIVED A GOOD LIFE, DOC.

HEY THERE, PIG. DID YOU HEAR I’M GONNA HAVE A SHOW OF MY WORK AT A CARTOON ART MUSEUM? NOW I JUST HAVE TO WRITE A BRIEF ARTIST’S STATEMENT EXPLAINING MY WORK AND OUTLINING MY ARTISTIC VISION.
HERE. TRY THIS.
I suck.
PERHAPS I’LL WRITE MY OWN.
IT IS BRIEF.
HANG ON... I WANT TO ADD SOME EXCLAMATION POINTS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S TRUE THAT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER?
NO.
TOGETHERNESS MAKES THE HEART MORE ANNOYED.
NEVER WRITE GREETING CARDS.
THE KEY TO TOGETHERNESS IS NOT BEING TOGETHER.

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF THE NINE JUSTICES ON THE SUPREME COURT?
ONE.
WHO?
DIANA ROSS.
SHE'S A SUPREME.
I KNOW... BUT I CAN'T NAME THE OTHER EIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
A DOCUMENTARY TITLED "WORLD'S GREATEST MYSTERIES."
DO THEY EXPLAIN WHY MY HONDA ACCORD'S SPEEDOMETER GOES UP TO 160 MILES PER HOUR?
NO.
PERHAPS I'M DRIVING TOO SLOW TO THE GROCERY STORE.

Life Goals Questionnaire
On a scale of zero to 100, how important is money to you?
100
On a scale of zero to 100, how hard are you willing to work for that goal?
Zero
I THINK I'VE FOUND THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEMS.