Pearls Before Swine | Search

THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND NOT ENOUGH SPACE FOR US ALL, SO WE FIGURED OUT A SOLUTION---GOING UP.
BUILDING MORE MULTI-STORY HOUSING?
PUTTING SMALL PEOPLE ON THE BACKS OF BIG PEOPLE.
HONEY, I'LL BE LATE FOR DINNER TONIGHT, FRED'S WALKING SLOW.
I SEE ISSUES WITH THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA EAT WITH US. I LIVE ON HIM NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RAT! HERE'S YOUR GIFT.
THANKS.
GEE, NOT TO MAKE THIS AWKWARD, BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A GIFT EXCHANGE.
IT IS.
I GO TO THE STORE AND EXCHANGE YOUR GIFT FOR SOMETHING BETTER.
YOU WOULDN'T.
WELL, NOT IF YOU BOUGHT BETTER GIFTS.

HEY GOAT...I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO NEGATIVE NICK. HE'S RATHER NEGATIVE.
HOW NEGATIVE?
DID HE JUST SUCK ALL THE LIGHT OUT OF THE ROOM?
IT HAPPENS.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS CARD IS NOW A PHOTO OF THEIR FAMILY ON SOME EXOTIC VACATION, AS IF TO SAY, MY FAMILY DID THIS THIS YEAR AND YOURS DID NOT?
SO?
SO I DID ONE OF THOSE CARDS MYSELF THIS YEAR. HERE. HAVE A LOOK.
Merry Christmas from my #$%&*@+# backyard
COMPETE WITH THAT, SAFARI-TAKING YUPPIES!
MOW YOUR LAWN.

ARE YOU GONNA SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES?
LOVED ONES?
RELATIVES.
YOU SAID 'LOVED ONES.'
'LOVED ONES' MEANS RELATIVES.
WHAT?
SOME PEOPLE LOVE THEIR RELATIVES.
WOULD THEY LIKE TO TRADE RELATIVES?

Thank you for downloading our new smartphone app.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
Click to READ
Click to ACCEPT
Wow, okay. You're the first guy who didn't just click ACCEPT. But okay, here goes.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
Click to READ
You have no rights.
We will violate your privacy.
We will track your every movement.
We will sell all of this information to anyone who wants it.
If we find anything really embarrassing, we will pass it around the office and laugh.
All of the above may accidentally be exposed to the entire world.
If so, oopsy-doopsies.
P.S. You are hosed.
NEVER READ THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

YO, ZEBRA... HOW YOU DOING?
I'M FINE, BUT MY COUSIN'S NOT VERY HAPPY AT ALL.
WHAT'S EATING HIM?
A LION.
USUALLY, THAT'S NOT SO LITERAL.

WHAT ARE ALL YOU GUYS DOING?
WE'VE BEEN CAMPING OUT FOR TODAY'S OPENING OF STAR WARS. EPISODE SEVEN.
THE MOVIE WILL STILL BE HERE TOMORROW.
NERDS WITH LIGHTSABERS ARE A DANGEROUS BUNCH.

HEY, HOWDY. I NEVER HEARD FROM YOU AFTER OUR DATE LAST WEEK.
YEAH... I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I JUST FELT LIKE YOU WERE A LITTLE TOO CLINGY.
CLINGY? ME?
WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR CHEST?
A TATTOO OF YOUR FACE.
WOMEN ARE SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP, NEIGHBOR NANCY?
I'M MEETING A GUY I MET ONLINE, BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED HE WON'T LIKE ME IN PERSON. I HAVE SUCH A SQUEAKY VOICE.
FSSHHHH
WD-40 DOESN'T WORK FOR THAT.

HEY, RAT. HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
GREAT. NO PROBLEMS AT ALL.
OHHH? WHO THE @#$% ARE YOU?
THE JINXIES. YOU BRAGGED ABOUT HAVING NO PROBLEMS, SO WE'RE HERE TO @#$% UP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD!
TOO LATE.
SPEAKING OF WOOD, YOUR HOUSE BURNS DOWN THIS WEEK.

YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
GEEZ, SON, YOU NEVER STOP TALKING AND ASKING QUESTIONS. HOW 'BOUT BEING QUIET NOW AND THEN?!
One day, he go away to school and he never answer any of you texts and all you dreams come true.
YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP

RULES FOR THIS YEAR'S CHRISTMAS VISIT:
NO JUDGING ME. THAT INCLUDES MY CLOTHES, WEIGHT, CAR, AND WHO I'M DATING.
NO DISCUSSING POLITICS. YOU ARE ALL LOONS.
I DO NOT FIND YOUR BABY/SMALL CHILD AS ENDEARING AS YOU DO. PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING OR THROWING OBJECTS AT MY HEAD.
Please don't tell me how to live my life. Remember, I see you as loons.
And please do not brag about your own life. It makes me want to shove your head into the rear end of the turkey.
Lastly, none of these rules apply to me. I AM GREAT.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A HAPPY FAMILY.

WITH ALL THE OVERPOPULATION IN THE WORLD, WHAT IF WE MADE A RULE THAT COUPLES CAN HAVE NO MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN?
WHY TWO?
BECAUSE THAT ALLOWS THE COUPLE TO REPLICATE ONLY THEMSELVES. AND BESIDES, NO FAMILY'S THIRD CHILD HAS EVER CONTRIBUTED ANYTHING WORTHWHILE TO THIS WORLD.
I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M A THIRD CHILD.
I REITERATE MY POSITION.
GEE, MAYBE TWO SHOULD BE THE RULE.

DO YOU FORGIVE AND FORGET THE BAD THINGS PEOPLE DO TO YOU?
YES. I FORGIVE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.
BUT I NEVER FORGET DIDDLY!!
NEVER MIND.
REMEMBERING IS THE FIRST STEP TO EXACTING VENGEANCE.

HI, PIG... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BRIAN... HE DESIGNS THE AUTOCORRECT FEATURE FOR ALL THE TEXTS PEOPLE SEND.
THAT SEEMS SO COMPLEX. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT WORD TO CHANGE IT TO ?
I FIND THE MOST EMBARRASSING AND PICK THAT.
THAT SEEMS UNFAIR.
PROGRAMMERS NEED JOY IN THEIR LIVES, ALSO!

DID YOU KNOW THAT FOUR BABIES ARE BORN EVERY SECOND?
WHERE'D YOU READ THAT?
BOOM. OUT POP EIGHT BABIES.
WHAT?
BOOM. OUT POP FOUR MORE.
AH. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. SO I'M GONNA TAKE A COUPLE MINUTES TO USE THE RESTROOM AND WHEN I COME BACK, MAYBE YOU'LL BE DONE.
AND THERE'LL BE 480 NEW BABIES!!
WILL THEY BE COMMUTING ON MY FREEWAY?

MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, PIG. MY EX-WIFE IS DATING ONE CLOWN AFTER ANOTHER.
AW, STEPH. THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A NICE THING TO SAY.
THANK YOU, RONALD... I HAD A WONDERFUL NIGHT.
SHE'S A SUCKER FOR A HAPPY MEAL.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT YOUR NUMBER IS UP.
OHHH, GAWWWD!! I'M TOO YOUNG!! I HAVE A WIFE!! AND KIDS!! OHH GAWWWDD!!!
MAYBE NEXT TIME I'LL COME TO THE DELI ALONE.
YOU GONNA GET YOUR SANDWICH OR NOT, PAL?

HEY THERE. WELCOME TO MY NEW MUSEUM.
WHAT'S IN IT?
STEP AROUND THESE BOXES AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHAT IS IT?
A SCULPTURE OF A BIRD'S HEAD
AND THIS?
A TURTLE EATING LETTUCE
A WOLF HOWLING?
YUP.
WHAT'S THIS ONE?
A SQUARE-HEADED DOG BEGGING FOR FOOD.
AND THAT?
A MORAY EEL RISING OUT OF HIS CAVE TO EAT.
WELL, THANK YOU, PIG. IT WAS NICE SEEING --
MUSEUM OF U.S. STATES
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER
NINE STATES. NAME 'EM ALL.
I ONLY SEE A FRAMED BUS.

DID YOU SEE THAT GUY IN THE PAPER WHO WISHES ITALY COULD RETURN TO THE DAYS OF THE DICTATOR BENITO MUSSOLINI?
HE'S IN FAVOR OF THE MAN THEY CALLED 'IL DUCE'?
YEAH, AND TO RAISE MONEY, HE'S GROWING HIS OWN FRUITS AND VEGETABLES.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE BUSINESS?
'PRO-DUCE PRODUCED PRODUCE.'
I'M ANTI-YOU.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN DIAL 3-1-1 AND GET INFORMATION?
ABOUT WHAT?
ALL SORTS OF STUFF.
YOU CAN ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT CITY SERVICES, STRAY ANIMALS, BUILDING PERMITS, UTILITIES, PARKS, POTHOLES, YOU NAME IT.
BEEP BOOP BOOP
WHY DO I EXIST?
THEY WERE NO HELP.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
A GREAT TOY I INVENTED. IT'S A NEW TAKE ON THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX. CRANK THE HANDLE AND TRY IT.
DA DOO DA DOO DA DOODADAD DO DA DOO DA DOO DO
DUCK-IN-A-BOX IS NOT A GOOD TOY.
'TOYS R US', HERE I COME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M MAKING A STENCILED SIGN WELCOMING RAT HOME FROM HIS VACATION. BUT I DON'T HAVE AN 'R'.
DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
WELCOME HOME, F'IEND!
I GUESS NOT.

HEY, CONNIE COW, WANT TO GO WITH ME TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S WEDDING? I DON'T HAVE A GUEST.
SURE. BUT MY UDDER IS SIGNIFICANTLY LARGER THAN NORMAL, SO I MAY BE UNCOMFORTABLE.
HEY, PIG. ARE YOU GOING TO NEIGHBOR BOB'S WEDDING WITH ANYONE?
YEAH. JUST CONNIE AND HER SIGNIFICANT UDDER.
NO WONDER YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.