Pearls Before Swine | Search

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
IF YOU CAN TELL THE FUTURE, INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS IN ALL THE STOCKS THAT WILL GO UP TOMORROW AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO NOT RETURN.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WE'VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF OUR PRIVACY? THAT EVERYONE CAN NOW SEE EVERYTHING WE DO?
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE PARANOID TO ME.
REALLY?
YEAH. SOMETIMES I SIT IN A JAPANESE GARDEN I BUILT IN MY BACKYARD AND NOBODY SEES ME THERE.
IS IT THIS ONE HERE WITH THE KOI POND?
CURSE YOU, GOOGLE EARTH!
IS THAT YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE?

I'VE DETERMINED THAT EVERYONE IS MUCH TOO SENSITIVE THESE DAYS. NO ONE CAN TAKE A JOKE.
SO?
SO, I'VE DEVELOPED 'RHINOMATIC.' A THICK SKIN MADE FROM RHINO HIDE, COMPLETE WITH HORN.
MAKES ME FEEL INV...
WHOA WHOA WHOA. ONLY YOUR SKIN IS THICK.

IS THAT YOUR PAL THE RAPPER THERE? IF SO, I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM DO HIS THING.
YEAH, THIS IS HIM. MIND SHOWING HIM SOME STUFF, FLOYD?
SURE. GIMME A MINUTE.
WRAPPER.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YO. DO YOU NOT LIKE THE PRETTY BOW?

HI, NEIGHBOR BILL... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. BEEN RUNNING LIKE CRAZY. ALL PART OF MY PLAN TO KILL THE RISK FACTORS FOR HEART DISEASE.
I DON'T DRINK. I DON'T SMOKE. I'M NOT OVERWEIGHT. I EAT A DIET LOW IN CHOLESTEROL.
PLUS, I DO STRETCH TO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE LOW. AND OF COURSE I EXERCISE RELIGIOUSLY.
ABOUT THE ONLY FACTOR I CAN'T CONTROL IS GENETICS, WHICH HOPEFULLY WON'T BE MUCH OF A FACTOR, GIVEN HOW HARD I WORK ON THESE OTHER THINGS
ACKK
LIFE IS TRICKY THAT WAY.

WANT TO GO TO THE GAME WITH ME? IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC!
HOW MUCH ARE THE TICKETS?
NINETY BUCKS PLUS TWENTY FOR PARKING.
SO I CAN PAY $110 PLUS ANOTHER $50 FOR FOOD TO SIT AMONGST STRANGERS AND HAVE A DISTANT VIEW, OR SIT RIGHT HERE FOR FREE AND HAVE HIGH DEF AND CHEAP TASTY FOOD IN MY LIVING ROOM.
YOU MAY BE A TRUE GENIUS.

OKAY, SIR, WE'LL NEED TO TAKE YOUR PHOTO. SO JUST STAND OVER THERE AND LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AND —
IT HELPS IF WE CAN SEE YOUR FACE.
OH, PLEASE. YOU'LL MAKE DRUG SMUGGLING IMPOSSIBLE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
APPLYING FOR A PASSPORT. I HEAR THEY'RE EASY TO GET.
NOT ALWAYS.
WHY NOT?
AND HOW MANY FELONIES DO YOU HAVE?
IS 'OODLES' AN ANSWER?

DAD, YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE DORMS WITH ME. YOU HAVE TO GO HOME AND LET ME LIVE AT THIS BOARDING SCHOOL ALONE.
Me can't. Me afraid me gonna lose tings.
LOSE WHAT? YOUR KEYS? YOUR PHONE? YOUR WALLET?
Larrys best frend.
I LOVE YOU, POPS.
Peese no leeve me alone wid mom.

WELL, I HAD AN AUNT NAMED TODDY, WHO HAD A COUSIN NAMED VICKY, WHOSE SISTER WAS KATY, WHO HAD AN UNCLE NAMED PAUL, WHOSE BROTHER WAS AL, AND AL IS THE BACON I'M EATING RIGHT NOW.
WOW.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
PLAYING "SIX DEGREES OF PIGS BACON."
WHY DO I ASK?
I'M WITHIN SIX DEGREES OF ALL THE WORLD'S BACON!
OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS SAUSAGE.

HEY, GUYS. I GOT INVITED TO SPEAK AS AN AUTHOR AT THE NATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
GREAT!
SUPER!
TERRIFIC!
DID THEIR FIRST FIFTY CHOICES FOR SPEAKER DIE?
MAYBE THEY DID DIE.
IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE ONLY AUTHORS.
I BET THEY'RE STILL MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE AT BOARDING SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS AND STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM MY PARENTS.
I HEAR YOU ERIC. MINE CALLED ONCE. BUT IT WAS A WEEK AGO.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE HAPPY TO HAVE US OUT OF THEIR HAIR.
EXCEPT JUNIOR'S DAD LARRY. HE'S BEEN IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH JUNIOR.
REALLY? HOW CLOSE?
Preety close.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME SEPARATION ISSUES.
Where me put Larry mattress?

HOW COME WHEN ANYBODY DOES ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY COMPETENT, EVERYONE CALLS IT "GENIUS"?
THAT'S A PRETTY SMART OBSERVATION.
IT'S MORE THAN SMART. IT'S GENIUS.
WITH ME, IT'S PROPERLY USED.

I HAVE A NEW MOTTO DESIGNED TO ELIMINATE NINETY PERCENT OF THE PROBLEMS IN PEOPLES LIVES.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T CLICK 'SEND'
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
FOR EXTRA PROTECTION, DEMOLISH YOUR KEYBOARD.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED? NOTHING TO ENSURE YOUR NAME WILL ENDURE FOR THE AGES?
SOMETIMES. WHY?
BECAUSE I DO. SO YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE NAMELESS DOOHICKEY ON YOUR NAIL CLIPPERS THAT YOU USE TO CLEAN UNDER YOUR NAILS--THE SHARP LITTLE POINTY THING?
YEAH.
LET'S CALL THAT A 'STEPHAN PASTIS.'
HOW BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S MY LEGACY TO MY KIDS.
HEY, LOOK, I GOT SOME TOE JAM ON MY STEPHAN PASTIS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S ROBBY, THE ROBOT FROM THE 1950s. IT CAN DO MATH COMPUTATIONS, RESEARCH ANYTHING, AND EVEN TALK.
SO IT DOES LESS THAN MY PHONE.
ROBBY HATES THIS ERA.

DING
Miss u, Junior.
DING
Still miss u.
DING
Miss you again.
DING
DING
DING
DING DING DING
HOW IS JUNIOR GONNA STUDY AT BOARDING SCHOOL WITH YOU TEXTING HIM?
ME NOT TEXXING NO ONE!!

MY SON JUNIOR WENT OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL TODAY. HE'S VERY SMART AND IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL.
WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND LARRY THINK ABOUT THAT?
WELL, HE'S ALWAYS SAID HE LOOKED FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN WE'D HAVE THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES AGAIN.
SO WHAT'S LARRY DOING? IS HE CELEBRATING?

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND LINDSEY. I THINK YOU'VE MET HER BEFORE.
YEAH, BUT I THINK YOUR HAIR WAS DIFFERENT.
YEAH. I DYE IT. LIKE, EVERY FEW MONTHS.
WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO CHANGE MY PHONE COVER TO MATCH.
PLUS, I'M ALWAYS CHANGING MY SCREEN SAVER. I GET TIRED OF THE SAME IMAGE AFTER, LIKE, TWO DAYS.
WHICH REMINDS ME, IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR ME TO GET MY HAIR DYED AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
AND HOW LONG DO THOSE TATTOOS LAST?
MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN SHE CALLED YOU A SAD OLD MAN WHO'S GONNA DIE SOON.
IT WAS A FAIR QUESTION.

DID YOU HEAR STEPHAN HAS BEGUN PAINTING?
HE'S STARTING OUT BY PAINTING NUDES.
THAT'S TERRIFIC. A LOT OF GREAT ARTISTS HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START BY PAINTING NUDES.
PAINTING NUDE.
SOMETIMES THAT EXTRA 'S' MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

WANNA SEE THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD WITH ME?
SURE. WHICH ONE SHOULD WE SEE FIRST?
JIM, THE CYCLIST WHO DOESN'T FEEL SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE.
I SEE.
WELL, I FEEL IT. I JUST DON'T SHOW IT.
GOOD ENOUGH, JIMBO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BURYING A TIME CAPSULE SO THAT IN A THOUSAND YEARS, PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT WE WERE LIKE.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA. WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN THERE?
HI, GOAT.
YOU CAN'T BURY PIG.
FUNNY. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
CAN I BREATHE THROUGH THIS SWIRLY STRAW?

Dear My Girlfriend Pigita,
I recently realized that everyone changes.
But I don't want things to change.
I want something good to always be good.
And I want the things I count on to always be there to count on.
So I'm now dating a pizza.
WE'LL SEE HOW SHE RESPONDS.

GIMME.
NO.
HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, DO YOU MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE THEIR WATER BOTTLES?
NOT IF IT'S AN OVERCAST DAY LIKE TODAY.
SO IF IT'S OVERCAST, NO SHARING. BUT IF IT'S SUNNY?
SUNNY AND SHARE.
I GOT YOU, BABE.

THIS POLITICIAN ONLY HAS A YEAR LEFT IN OFFICE AND HE CAN'T GET A SINGLE THING DONE. HE'S A REAL LAME DUCK.
THAT WAS CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE.