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WHAT ARE YOU SELLING, PIG?
TURTLES WITH BROKEN LEGS. I'M HOPING THEY CAN FIND A CARING HOME WHERE THEY CAN REGAIN THEIR HEALTH.
HOW MUCH DO THEY RUN?
THEY DON'T. THEY'RE TURTLES WITH BROKEN LEGS.
I HATE STUPID QUESTIONS.

HEY THERE, GOAT. DID THE POWER OUTAGE AFFECT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD YESTERDAY?
YEAH. NO WAY TO CHARGE MY MOBILE DEVICES OR ANYTHING.
OH MY. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT OUTSIDE WITH SOME COFFEE AND JUST READ A NEWSPAPER.
THEN WHAT?
I THEN WENT TO MY LIBRARY AND GRABBED AN OLD BOOK, THE KIND WHERE THE PAGES HAVE THAT OLD MUSTY SMELL.
AND THEN WHAT?
THEN I WENT FOR A LONG WALK OUTSIDE WITHOUT ANY EMAIL TO CHECK OR G.P.S. TO GUIDE ME.
AND DID YOU GET LOST?
I DID. AND I HOPE TO DO IT AGAIN TOMORROW.
HE NEEDS HELP.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE A HARD WORKER?
EVER HEARD OF THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE?
YEAH.
THAT PATH'S TOO MUCH EFFORT FOR ME.
I SEE.
I PREFER THE PATH OF BEER AND SLEEP.

IT SURE IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY... THE BIRDS, THE SUN... DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE VIEW FROM THIS CLIFF, PIG?
CLIFFS CAN KILL YOU. SUNLIGHT CAN KILL YOU. BIRDS CAN KILL YOU.
NEXT TIME WE LEAVE THE WORRYWARTHOG AT HOME.
HOME? WHERE 77% OF ALL ACCIDENT-RELATED INJURIES OCCUR?

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO OUR NEWEST CHARACTER... A WARTHOG...
HE'S JUST A PLAIN OLD WARTHOG?
I KNEW I WOULDN'T BE ACCEPTED. I'LL PROBABLY FAIL AND EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG AND I'LL GET FIRED AND GET SICK AND DIE.
A WORRYWART-HOG?
OH, GREAT... YOU'RE WHISPERING ABOUT ME... I'LL JUST FIRE MYSELF NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WE HAVE ANTS, SO I'M GONNA SPRAY
THEM WITH THIS ANT SPRAY.
DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD?
NO. BECAUSE ANTS DON'T SCREAM OR CRY FOR HELP, WHICH WE TAKE TO MEAN THEY DON'T SUFFER, WHICH ALLOWS US TO KILL THEM WITH IMPUNITY.
AHHHHHHHHHH!
LORDY! LORDY!
A DINGO TOOK MY BABY!
WELL, THAT WAS CREATIVE.
THOSE DARN DINGOS.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO MAKE THIS PUZZLE OF A KITTY KAT WITH US?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT WHEN YOU'RE DONE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE'LL JUST BREAK IT ALL UP AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX.
I SEE. SO IT'S AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT OUR ROLE HERE ON EARTH IS SIMPLY TO PASS THE TIME UNTIL ONE DAY WE DIE.
WELL, I, FOR ONE, DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASY.
I JUST LIKE LOOKING AT KITTIES.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A KIDS BOOK. IT'S A LOT LIKE "CURIOUS GEORGE", BUT I TAKE IT A STEP FURTHER.
HOW DO YOU TAKE "CURIOUS GEORGE" A STEP FURTHER?
BY MAKING HIM THIS...
Stalker George
KIDS BOOKS SHOULDN'T BE CREEPY.
I'M CHANGING THAT.

HEY, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY BRITISH PAL, MR. DOWNS.
HI. HOW YOU DOING?
NOT WELL, LADYS.
WHAT'S WRONG, DOWNS?
I'VE BEEN COOKING THIS ROAST IN A WOK, BUT MY WIFE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
WHY ARE YOU USING A WOK?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MY WIFE'S NAN USED TO DO IT.
WHAT'S A NAN?
THAT'S WHAT WE BRITS CALL OUR GRANDMA. AND EVER SINCE MY WIFE'S NAN DIED YEARS AGO, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE USED TO DO FOR MY WIFE.
SO MANY ROASTS TO COOK AND DOUBT I'LL EVER REPLACE HER NAN.
TRY AS I MIGHT TO COOK IN THIS WOK, I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T DO THE TRICK.
HOW MANY ROASTS MUST A MAN COOK, DOWNS, BEFORE THEY CALL HIM A NAN?
THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWING UP THE CARTOONIST.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING A BABY.
WHY?
OHHH...WHAT A CUTE BABY...YOU MUST BE A CARING, SENSITIVE MAN...HERE'S MY NUMBER...LET'S GET A DRINK SOME TIME.
A NEW LOW.
YOU CAN RENT THEM BY THE HOUR.
I WILL RENT A DOZEN!

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SMACK
SELFIE STICKS HAVE MANY USES.

DO YOU THINK A GIRL WOULD BREAK UP WITH ME JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT A GREAT KISSER?
OF COURSE NOT, PIG. BUT WHY? HOW DO YOU KISS?
PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
NUTS. I DROOLED ON YOUR PANCAKE.

I'M HAVING DINNER WITH A PROFESSOR FRIEND OF MINE TONIGHT. WANT TO COME ALONG?
WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND LIKE?
HE'S SORT OF THE ACADEMIC TYPE.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS HE BORES THE S#&$ OUT OF PEOPLE.
MAYBE I'LL EAT ALONE.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR.
OH, GREAT... I LOVE HISTORY...
IS YOUR QUESTION ABOUT GETTYSBURG? ROBERT E. LEE? APPOMATTOX?
WAS IT A WAR BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH DAKOTA?
LET'S START OVER.
BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH JERSEY?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE TRY TO GET SOMEONE ELSE DECLARED 'INCOMPETENT'?
WELL, SOMETIMES IT'S TO GET THAT PERSON'S MONEY AND GET THEM PUT INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTION.
OH.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
AND NOTE THE DUMB WAY HE WEARS HIS HAT.
LEMME GUESS... TWO AUTOGRAPH SEEKERS?

HELLO?
HEY, PIG... IT'S ME, GOAT... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AWHILE.
OH, GOAT... I'M SORRY. I THINK I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND MYSELF.
THAT'S NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR, PIG. THAT SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE.
IT IS?
SURE. SOME PEOPLE FIND IT THROUGH TRAVEL. SOME THROUGH READING. OR SPIRITUALITY. OR CRAFT.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET DISCOURAGED... SOMETIMES THAT SEARCH CAN TAKE YEARS.
THEN I'LL BE AT THE MALL A VERY LONG TIME.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD MORE FRIENDS?
WHAT FOR?
FRIENDS BROADEN YOUR KNOWLEDGE, TEACH YOU NEW STUFF, SHOW YOU AROUND NEW PLACES.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED GOOGLE.
SEARCH ENGINES AREN'T FRIENDS.
I'D SAY WE'RE BESTIES.

WHY DOES JEF THE CYCLIST ALWAYS HAVE TO WEAR SPANDEX?
I GUESS HE THINKS SPANDEX IS FLATTERING TO THE HUMAN BODY.
WELL, GUESS WHO TOOK UP CYCLING.
MY EYES CAN'T UN-SEE THAT.
IF ONLY STACI COULD SEE ME NOW.
ARE YOU CYCLING WITH CHILD?

RAT, THE SPORTS REPORTER
I'M HERE WITH OUR FOOTBALL ANALYST, TRENT. TRENT, WHAT'S THE KEY TO TODAY'S GAME?
RAT, THE KEY TODAY WILL BE SCORING POINTS.
GOOD, TRENT. SCORING POINTS SEEMS TO BE AN INTEGRAL PART OF WINNING A FOOTBALL GAME. WHICH RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION... DOES SOMEONE ACTUALLY PAY YOU FOR THIS?
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.
SO, TRENT, WILL SHOWING UP FOR THE GAME BE ANOTHER KEY?

RAT, THE SPORTS REPORTER
YOU HAD A GREAT GAME OUT THERE TODAY... TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE THE VICTORY?
FIRST AND FOREMOST, TO GOD.
SO GOD WAS UP THERE ACTIVELY ROOTING AGAINST THE OTHER TEAM AND SLAMMING THE COFFEE TABLE WHEN THEY GOT A FIRST DOWN?
I SEE I'VE CONFUSED YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?

WRITING A NOVEL. BUT IT'S TOO HARD TO THINK OF IDEAS. TOO TAXING TO BE ORIGINAL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
FIND A JOB WHERE SOMEONE WILL PAY ME TO UTTER NOTHING BUT TRITE APHORISMS AND GLIB CLICHES.
AND WHO'S GONNA PAY YOU TO DO THAT?
GREAT GAME. DID YOU GIVE 110% OR WAS IT A TOTAL TEAM EFFORT?

WE'RE GETTING CITED BY THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION FOR AN UNSIGHTLY FRONT YARD.
WHAT? I'VE BEEN MOWING THE LAWN WEEKLY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S THE LAWN.
WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?
AHOY, MATEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT? IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.
I KNOW. THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS ASLEEP.
SO?
SO I'M GONNA CALL BOMBAST CABLE.
WHY?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I NORMALLY CALL, A RECORDING TELLS ME THEY ARE EXPERIENCING AN UNUSUALLY HIGH CALL VOLUME. BUT NOT NOW! NOT NOW, BABY. NOT AT TWO O'CLOCK IN THE FREAKING MORNING!
Hello. We apologize for placing you on hold, due to an unusually high call volume...
AAAAAUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO BED.
WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, BOMBAST? WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS, PLEASE?

HEY, PIG. WHY DIDN'T YOU MEET ME AT THE CAFE'S?
CAN'T TALK, GOAT. WE HAVE A SWAT TEAM CRAWLING ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
OH MY GOD, PIG... IS IT A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN ASK.
ARE YOU TAKING THE FLY HOSTAGE?
NO.

PIG, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO BOB. HE WORKS FOR THE D.O.D.
WHAT'S THE D.O.D.?
DEPART- MENT OF DEFENSE.
I'M A CATE. I WORK WITH THE CAF AND THE CF ON THE DPI AND THE DCP FOR THE DOD IN ACCORD WITH IDS, NMCS, NIMS AND NDMS.
DOES HE SPEAK ENGLISH?
OMG. ROTFL.