Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, EDDIE THE EAGLE. I HEARD YOU'RE THINKING OF MOVING TO EITHER CLEVELAND OR MIAMI. HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECISION YET?
I HAVE.
WHAT IS IT?
I'M GONNA TAKE MY TALONS TO SOUTH BEACH.
WE'RE EJECTING YOU FROM THE COMIC STRIP.

SIR, THE MIDDLE EAST IS IN TURMOIL ONCE AGAIN. PERMISSION TO MOVE MY NAVAL FLEET TO THAT PART OF THE GLOBE?
WHATEVER YOU NEED, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
GOING TO THE BATHROOM JUST GOT A LOT LESS CONVENIENT.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT BEFORE VOTING, YOU NEED TO ANSWER A SIMPLE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR GOVERNMENT.
NO PROBLEM.
NAME JUST ONE JUSTICE OF THE U.S. SUPREME COURT.
HARRY CONNICK JR.
THAT'S AMERICAN IDOL.
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
PLEASE, SIR. STEP AWAY FROM THE VOTING BOOTH.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE TO KNOW BASIC INFORMATION ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT BEFORE BEING ABLE TO VOTE?
OF COURSE NOT.
THAT'S VERY ELITIST.
THIRTY-FIVE PERCENT OF AMERICANS CANNOT NAME A SINGLE BRANCH OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.
OKAY,
MAYBE A SMALL TEST.
OH, AND EIGHT PERCENT BELIEVE ELVIS IS ALIVE.

RAT CHANNELS THE SPIRIT OF RUBE GOLDBERG
Stephan (A) tells a bad pun that nobody likes.
Causing reader (B) to throw newspaper in disgust.
Hitting a random dog (C).
Who gets angry and bites the leg of a random flute player (D).
Causing the flute to hit a very high note (E).
That distracts two drivers (F), both named Burt, who crash into each other and die.
Which Stephan reads about in a newspaper, giving him an idea (G).
About killing two Burts with one stone. (H)
NOTE:
YOU ARE NO RUBE.
YOU ARE A RUBE.
OW.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
A WAR HISTORY. THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT ALL THE CARPET BOMBING THAT OCCURRED.
SOMEONE MUST REALLY HATE CARPETS.
I'M GOING TO READ SILENTLY NOW.
WHO WAS FIGHTING-- TWO INTERIOR DECORATORS?

HEARD YOU'RE SICK, STEPH. JUST REMEMBER--FEED A FEVER, STARVE A COLD.
I THOUGHT IT WAS "FEED A COLD, STARVE A FEVER."
I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S 'FEED A FEVER, STARVE A COLD.'
I HEARD IT'S 'FEED A BEAVER, STARVE A COLD.'
I HEARD IT'S "FEED TOM SEAVER, STARVE A-ROD."
ENOUGH!
LET'S JUST STARVE STEPH ON PRINCIPLE.

I HEARD YOUR EVIL GUARD DUCK JOINED THE NAVY.
YEAH. AND HE’S ALREADY INVOLVED IN HIS FIRST NAVAL ENGAGEMENT.
OH, NO. AGAINST WHOM?
SNUFFLES THE CAT. THE TWO OF THEM HAD A FALLING OUT.
IT'S NOT QUITE THE MONITOR AND THE MERRIMAC, IS IT?

IN THE PAST, IF YOU HAD AN IMPORTANT IDEA YOU WANTED TO EXPRESS TO THE WORLD, YOU NEEDED A TYPEWRITER AND THE POST OFFICE AND AN AGENT AND A YEAR OF WAITING AND A PUBLISHER AND A CHAIN OF BOOKSTORES AND THEN MAYBE YOU GOT A REACTION.
AND NOW?
I'm eating sausage links.
44 COMMENTS:
Honey248:
Sausage suxxx
I8Everyone:
Sausage ROCKS!!!
DerekTCI161:
STOP KILLIN ANIMALS
LET'S GO BACK TO THE OLD WAY.

HEY, PIG, CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM? I GOTTA GO BAD.
SURE, STEPH. RIGHT IN THERE.
I THINK I'LL HOLD IT.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I'VE DECIDED TO SHIFT MY FOCUS TO AMPHIBIOUS OPERATIONS.
SO I'LL NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN PROCURING A SHELTERED WATERWAY, ONE THAT I CAN USE AS AN OPERATIONAL BASE.
I EXPECTED MORE.

DING DONG DING DONG
HEY. NICE COSTUMES, RAT AND PIG.
PLEASE GIVE US CANDY, NEIGHBOR BOB.
OR WE'LL WRITE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU ON TWITTER.
WRITE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT ME ON TWITTER? WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN GREETING IS THAT?
TRICK OR TWEET.
WE GOT MORE CANDY THAN EVER.
SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE KEY TO EXTORTION.

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT WHEN THEIR LOVED ONES DIE, THEIR SPIRITS INHABIT THE BODIES OF HOUSEHOLD PETS.
GET A JOB, YOU LAZY GREG.
GOOD OLD DAD.

WHAT ARE YOU INSTALLING, RAT?
THIS NEW, ADVANCED SOFTWARE. IT ALLOWS ME TO GO ONLINE AND BUY BEER.
WHAT'S ADVANCED ABOUT THAT? YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND BUY ANYTHING.
I'M HOPING FOR A FREE NACHOS UPGRADE.

HI, PIG. THIS IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND PIGITA'S MOTHER. I HEAR SHE'S WEARING NEW CLOTHES AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
WELL, I'M NOT INTO THE HATS SHE'S WEARING, AND I'M NOT INTO THE SHOES.
DO YOU LIKE ANY OF IT?
WELL, I'M STARTING TO GET INTO HER PANTS.
MY GIRLFRIEND'S MOTHER CAN BE TEMPERAMENTAL.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION CLASS. HE WANTS TO LEARN HOW THE POLICE DO IT.
WHAT DO THEY TEACH THEM?
WELL, I THINK THE FIRST CLASS IS JUST FINDING OUT HOW YOU'D NATURALLY REACT TO A FRIEND OF YOURS BEING TAKEN HOSTAGE.
WE NEVER LIKED HIM MUCH ANYWAYS!!
OKAY... UH... NOT IDEAL.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA DOING TODAY?
HE'S TAKING A BATH WITH HUNDREDS OF MARGINALLY CLEAN STRANGERS.
I'M GOING SWIMMING AT THE PUBLIC POOL.
I THINK I SAID THAT.

I'M LEARNING HOW TO TURN WOOD INTO PAPER.
WHO'S TEACHING YOU?
A PRIEST. HE TEACHES ME RIGHT FROM THE PULPIT.
AND HE USES VISUAL AIDS LIKE PUPPETS TO MAKE IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
PIG'S A PULPIT PUPPET PULPING PUPIL.
I SHALL BEAT YOU TO A PULP.

Bob was angry.
I will fly to Las Vegas and that will make me happy.
Near the end of the flight, the flight attendant made an announcement.
We've begun our descent. But to have some fun with a game I call, "Get to Know Your Fellow Passengers."
"Here’s how it works: One person will speak and say their favorite thing about this trip to Vegas. Then the next person will say it to the previous person and then say their favorite thing about this trip.”
"I’ll go first," said the flight attendant. "My name is Katy. I like the Vegas hotels."
The angriest man named Jack stood up. "Hey, I am Jack. The casinos.”
Angry Bob, excited by how much fun he was having on the flight, stood up next.
"Hi, Jack! This airplane!"
T.S.A. officials arrested Bob upon arrival.
FUN IS OVERRATED.

I THINK I HAVE TO GIVE MY HAMSTER AWAY. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO CARE FOR IT ANYMORE.
SEND HIM TO THAT CITY IN EUROPE THAT THEY CONTROL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HAMSTERDAM.
AMSTERDAM. AND IT'S NOT FOR HAMSTERS.
THEN WHAT HOLDS BACK THE HAMSTER RIVER?

HEY, GOAT... WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR A BOOK TO BECOME KNOWN AS GREAT LITERATURE?
IT HAS TO BOTH BORE AND CONFUSE EVERYONE.
NO.
EXCEPT FOR HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHERS. THEY HAVE TO LIKE IT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE?

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
'KILLING PATTON' BY BILL O’REILLY.
INTERESTING. WHAT ARE SOME OF HIS OTHER WORKS?
'KILLING KENNEDY.' 'KILLING JESUS.' 'KILLING LINCOLN.'
I SENSE A THEME.
THE MAN HAS A GIFT!!

HEY, PIG, THIS IS HAROLD. HE TEACHES A NUMBER OF LANGUAGES AT THE UNIVERSITY.
I SEE. WHAT LANGUAGES DO YOU ENJOY THE MOST?
WELL, AT SCHOOL, IT'S AXIOMATIC THAT MY TASTES CAN BE A BIT MERCURIAL AND ANTEDILUVIAN.
POMPOUSSE.

I GOT A RECALL NOTICE.
WHAT ARE THEY RECALLING? YOUR CAR?
ME.
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT YOUR YEAR.

BOOOOO
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
BOOING THIS PLAY. THE ACTING IS AMATEURISH. THE SINGING IS POOR. AND THE PRODUCTION VALUE IS NOT UP TO PAR.
IT'S A FIFTH GRADE SCHOOL PLAY.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE RATHER SHORT
BOOOOOOO SHORT PEOPLE!