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THE PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS."
AFTER THE NUCLEAR WAR, ALL WAS NOTHINGNESS.
BUT FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE, A STIRRING... A RAT.
WHO, SUDDENLY INFUSED WITH POWERFUL RADIATION, STOOD UPRIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND UTTERED THE FIRST WORDS EVER SAID BY A RODENT.
THIS SUCKS.
SO I WAS PROFOUND FROM THE START.
WHEN DO I GET TO BE PROFOUND?

I'M OFTEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN THE PRE-HISTORY OF "PEARLS" BEFORE SWINE. WELL, IT STARTS LIKE THIS...
ONCE UPON A TIME, THE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA HAD HIS PLANES BUZZ AN AMERICAN NAVAL SHIP.
THAT PLANE SURE IS CLOSE.
LET'S SHOOT IT DOWN.
THEY DID. AND AS A RESULT, NUCLEAR WAR ENDED THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE A DISNEY STORY, BUT NOT.
DOES BAMBI DIE?

RAT FOR PRESIDENT
RAT! RAT! RAT!
MR. RAT...WHAT ARE YOUR CAMPAIGN PROMISES?
I PROMISE THAT MOST ALL OF THE REAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE WILL NOT COME FROM ANY POLITICIAN, BUT ONLY FROM YOUR OWN DISCIPLINE, HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION.
RAT FOR PRESIDENT
AND I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF FREE STUFF.
YAAAAAAAY!!!
YOU'RE GETTING GOOD AT THIS.
DEBT SCHMET...HAVE SOME MONEY.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, GOAT?
FLOWER MARKET.
WHAT DO THEY SELL THERE?
PIG, JUST LISTEN TO THE WORDS... FLOWER ...MARKET... SO THE ANSWER IS FLOWERS. THEY SELL FLOWERS.
SO THE FLEA MARKET MUST BE AN AWFUL PLACE.

I THINK THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN LIFE IS TO TRUST YOUR GUT.
I DO THAT.
YOU DO?
YES. I TRUST THAT IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
I THINK THAT'S DIFFERENT.
IT'S THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY PART OF ME.

EXCUSE ME, MR. PHONE COMPANY GUY. YOU LEFT THIS PHONEBOOK ON MY PORCH, BUT NO ONE USES THEM ANYMORE.
NOT TRUE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IF COPS NEED TO BEAT SOMEONE THEY'RE INTERROGATING, THEY USE A PHONEBOOK BECAUSE IT DOESN'T LEAVE MARKS. SO IF YOU EVER BECOME A COP, THAT THING COULD BE PRETTY HELPFUL.
IT'S NICE TO SEE THE PHONE COMPANY ADAPTING.

I SAW A GIRL TODAY WEARING SWEATPANTS WITH THE WORD "PEACE" PRINTED ON THE BUTT.
SO?
SO IT GAVE ME AN IDEA.
MY BUTT PROPAGANDA TAKES A BACKSEAT TO NO ONE.

SIR IS IT TRUE THAT YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IS NOW BASED ON ONE ISSUE - THE INVASION OF GREENLAND?
YES. IT'S A TERRITORY OF THE DANES. AND THEY WON'T SEE IT COMING.
BUT WHY GREENLAND?
BECAUSE IT'S EIGHT TIMES THE SIZE OF GREAT BRITAIN, BUT ONLY HAS 57000 PEOPLE, WHICH IS NOT MUCH MORE THAN SARASOTA, FLORIDA.
I SEE. SO BY THAT LOGIC, WHY NOT JUST INVADE SARASOTA, FLORIDA?
WELL, NOW, THERE'S AN IDEA.
AND SADLY, HE'S STILL BETTER THAN THE OTHER TWO CANDIDATES.
SARASOTA, YOUR RETIREMENT COMMUNITIES ARE MINE!

DID YOU KNOW THAT BIG, GIANT GREENLAND IS A TERRITORY OF TINY, LITTLE DENMARK, AND THAT DENMARK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS DEFENSE?
SO?
SO LET'S INVADE GREENLAND!
IT'S HIS NEW CAMPAIGN ISSUE.
IT'S MOSTLY ICE.
GOOD NEWS. GLOBAL WARMING IS CHANGING THAT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
NOT GOOD, MARIE
THERE'S A GIANT SUMP PUMP THAT DRAINS THE WATER FOR OUR ENTIRE CITY, AND WHEN THE CITY INSPECTOR WENT DOWN TO LOOK AT IT, HE SAW THAT IT WAS ALL YELLOW WITH RUST AND HAD TO BE REPLACED.
HOW DOES THAT AFFECT YOU?
THE HOUSE RAT AND I LIVE IN IS RIGHT ON TOP OF IT, SO THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR DOWN OUR HOUSE.
OH NO. WHAT ABOUT GOAT'S HOUSE AND ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO TEAR THOSE DOWN TOO.
SO YOU ALL LIVE ON TOP OF THIS SUMP THING?
YEP
WE ALL LIVE ON A YELLOW SUMP, MARIE.
RINGO WANTED TO BEAT YOU PERSONALLY.

BUENAS TARDES, SEÑORES. WHAT WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO ORDER?
NOTHING.
YOU JUST ATE THREE BOWLS OF CHIPS.
SÍ.
THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
WE’RE EXPLOITING A LOOPHOLE IN THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT PARADIGM.
MORE CHIPS, POR FAVOR.

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?
PHONEBOOK. WE LEAVE THEM ON EVERYONE'S PORCH.
BUT NOT ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD USES THESE ANYMORE. THERE'S AN INTERNET NOW AND SMARTPHONES.
BIG NEWS.

WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, PIG?
I'M TAKING MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA TO GET PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES AND CHOCOLATE MILK AND SEE AN ANIMATED MOVIE.
PIG. YOU'RE AN ADULT. YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR DATE TO ADULT THINGS.
OH. OKAY. I'LL DO THAT.
DO WHAT?
TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND TO DRINK ADULT BEVERAGES AND SEE ADULT FILMS.
SOMEHOW I BLAME YOU.
HEY, PIGITA, INSTEAD OF THAT CARTOON, LET'S SEE AN ADULT FILM.

WHEN SOMEONE BECOMES PRESI-- DENT, DO THEY GET TO MAKE ANY LAW THEY WANT?
NO. CONGRESS MAKES THE LAWS. THE PRESIDENT CAN ONLY APPROVE OR REJECT THEM.
BUT CONGRESS DOESN'T PASS ANY LAWS ANYMORE.
RIGHT.
SO NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
RIGHT.
I'M CONFUSED.
WE ALL ARE.
THIS IS WHY I PROMISE TO BAN CONGRESS.

HELLO, MA'AM. I'M RAT AND I'D LIKE YOUR SUPPORT FOR PRESIDENT.
WHY SHOULD I SUPPORT A FILTHY, DISGUSTING, NO-GOOD THIEVING LITTLE RAT?
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE OTHER TWO CANDIDATES.
AND THEN SHE HUGGED ME AND DONATED A MILLION DOLLARS.

I JUST GAVE MONEY TO CHARITY.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. VIRTUE IS ITS OWN REWARD.
YOU MEAN DOWN THE ROAD. THERE'S NO CASH IN IT FOR ME?
NOPE. YOU DO IT JUST FOR THE JOY OF DOING IT.
SO IT'S LIKE I SET FIRE TO THE MONEY.
LET'S START OVER.

Fifty Shades of Green
"You is smell gud," say Larry.
"And you smoove curves. Me luv dem."
"You. Are. Mine," growl Larry.
"And me gonna run my mouf all over you body parts."
MUST YOU TALK SO MUCH EVERY TIME WE GET A BUCKET OF CHICKEN?
Wife no understand me.

I HATE THESE NEW MAGNET SCHOOLS.

THIS GUY LOOKS PRETTY IMPORTANT. THEY SAY HE'S A COLON SOMETHING.
A COLON SOMETHING?
HE'S A COLONEL.
WHOA. THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS TROUBLE SPELLING.

HEY, RAT... IT'S YOUR OL' NEIGHBOR BILL... HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE. IS THERE A REASON FOR THAT?
YOU'RE AN OLYMPIC NEIGHBOR.
WHAT'S THAT?
SOMEONE I ONLY NEED TO SEE ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
I LIKE OUR NEIGHBORS TO KNOW WHERE THEY STAND.

IT'S HUGE. WHAT IS IT?
I DON'T KNOW. SOMEONE JUST DROPPED IT ON OUR FRONT PORCH.
I OPENED IT... IT JUST HAS THOUSANDS OF NAMES.
IT'S CALLED A PHONEBOOK. AND THAT'S HOW WE USED TO FIND PEOPLE'S PHONE NUMBERS.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
WE'RE OLD NOW.

SIR, IF YOUR OPPONENTS SOLD USED CARS, WHICH ONE OF THEM WOULD YOU BE MOST LIKELY TO BUY A CAR FROM?
IS RIDING A BIKE AN OPTION?
NO.
MY CAR BUSINESS WOULD BE A YUGE SUCCESS. YUGE.
HEY, TINY HANDS, I'M TALKING HERE.

THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
MR. RAT, WHAT DO YOU HOPE THAT PEOPLE WILL LEARN ABOUT YOU IN THE COURSE OF TONIGHT'S DEBATE?
THAT I CAN LIE AS WELL AS THESE TWO.
SO LYING IS NOW A VIRTUE.
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LYING?

Rat's Guide to People you can Do without
The guy whose every Facebook post is Sadder than the last.
The fat guy in the Aisle seat who unapologetically takes both arm rests.
The friend who peppers his language with Words he barely knows.
The aunt who forwards every health-related email on the internet.
The cartoonist who appears in more of his characters and his strip because he's too lazy to draw new ones.

NEIGHBOR BOB CAME BY AND GAVE US A GIFT.
I DON'T TRUST THAT GUY. ARE THERE ANY STRINGS ATTACHED?
NO.
ALRIGHT, THEN. WHAT IS IT?
A GUITAR.
IT'S HARD TO PLAY.