Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE
KEY TO
SUCCEEDING
IN LIFE?
HARD WORK. IT'S JUST
A MATTER OF PUTTING
IN THE HOURS TO GET
WHAT YOU WANT.
IT'S NOT JUST
RANDOM
LUCK?
NOPE.
YOU'VE KILLED A DREAM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A MESSAGE FOR THE PONY EXPRESS TO GIVE TO GUARD DUCK. NOW THAT HE'S LIVING OFF THE GRID, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO REACH HIM.
PONY EXPRESS? THOSE POOR GUYS HAVE TO RIDE HUNDREDS OF MILES THROUGH REMOTE LANDS. I HOPE YOUR MESSAGE IS IMPORTANT.
Yo.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
PLAYING WITH TOY CARS. RIGHT NOW, THIS SPORTS CAR WITH THE GOLF CLUBS IN THE BACK IS CONTEMPLATING CRASHING INTO THIS GASOLINE TRUCK, THEREBY TRIGGERING A MAMMOTH EXPLOSION.
WHY WOULD THE GUY IN THE SPORTS CAR DO THAT?
HE'S FRUSTRATED BY HIS PUTTING GAME.
GOLFERS ARE A TIGHTLY WOUND BUNCH.

SO WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN THE WOODS, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE WE TWEET OUR EVERY THOUGHT. SO I'M GOING OFF THE GRID. NO MORE FACEBOOK, TEXTING, E-MAIL, SMARTPHONES.
BUT WHAT IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY AND I REALLY NEED TO REACH YOU?
THAT'S WHERE THE PONY EXPRESS COMES IN.
AND I DON'T DO SMILEY-FACE EMOTICONS.

GUARD DUCK! YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOREVER! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE RETIRED FROM THE MILITARY AND MOVED TO THE WOODS. NOW I'M WRITING A SCHOLARLY TREATISE ON MY TIME IN THE SERVICE.
SOUNDS IMPORTANT. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
OF COURSE.
I blew $##@ up.
THE REST WILL BE FILLER.

HI, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL FROM ENGLAND.
HOW DO YOU KNOW GOAT?
HE'S BEEN ME MATE SINCE WE WERE YOUNG LADS.
AND HE LOVES THE FOOD HERE AT OUR DINER, SO HE ASKED ME TO TAKE HIM HERE.
WHAT'D YOU ORDER?
MOUNTAIN DEW AND A PLATE OF MUTTON. BUT IT HAS TO BE FROM A FEMALE SHEEP. IT TASTES BETTER.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED TO ME THAT YOU LIKE THE FEMALE MUTTON. BUT YOU REALLY LIKE THAT SOFT DRINK, TOO?
LOVE, LOVE ME DEW. YOU KNOW I LOVE EWE.
GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.

I SAW THAT RUDE GUY CUT YOU OFF IN THE PARKING LOT. YOU REMAINED SO PEACEFUL.
YES, IT'S MY NEW APPROACH TO OTHER DRIVERS. I CALM MYSELF THROUGH CONCENTRATION.
CONCENTRATION ON WHAT?
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ONE DAY THE RUDE MAN WILL DIE.
THAT'S NOT THAT PEACEFUL.
IT WILL BE WHEN HE'S GONE!

In deference to those who say cartoonists should refrain from depicting anything that could cause offense to others, today we delete all of the Pearls characters who have ever caused offense to others.
THIS COULD GET BORING.
YES, BUT IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE.
OH, WHAT A BETTER WORLD!

RAT'S WORLD OF AMAZING THINGS
THE CULVINIAN DIAMOND
THE MADAGASCAR POCHARD
THE WORLD'S LARGEST DIAMOND
THE WORLD'S RAREST BIRD
BOB SCHLABONSKI
A CONTRACTOR WHO SHOWS UP WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL
IT'S THE MOST POPULAR EXHIBIT.
GIVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER!

HEY, BARTENDER. IS THIS PLACE NEW
YES. IT’S A HIGH-END WHISKEY BAR. I RECOMMEND A SCOTCH BLEND DISTILLED AT LEAST THRICE AND AGED SIX YEARS IN OAK BARRELS... SERVED NEAT, OF COURSE, IN A TULIP-SHAPED GLASS TO PRESERVE THE AROMA.
ME WANT BEER.
I LIKE TO KEEP THE SNOBS IN THEIR PLACE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I TURNED THIS FIGURE POT INTO A SEAT. IT'S PRETTY COMFORTABLE.
LOOK, YOU CAN STAND ON IT, TOO.
NO YOU CAN'T ... IT'LL BREAK. IT'S FOR SITTING ONLY.
REALLY?
YES! SIT OR GET OFF THE POT!
AREN'T YOU TWO CLEVER?
STAY OFF THE POT, CENSOR.

THE BIGGEST CITY IN NIGERIA IS TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR ECONOMY BY PRODUCING FROZEN WAFFLES. THEIR LOGO IS JUST THE CITY'S NAME. AND TO PROMOTE THEM, THEY'RE PUTTING CHILDREN'S BUILDING BLOCKS IN EACH ONE.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO WHAT?
LET'S GO GET LAGOS LOGO EGGO LEGOS.
LET'S NOT.

WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD U2'S "JOSHUA TREE ALBUM"?
AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE. IN THE LIVING ROOM. SUMMER OF '87.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD NIRVANA'S "NEVERMIND"?
HIGH SCHOOL. PARKING LOT. RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. WINDY. FALL DAY.
GUNS N' ROSES' "APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION"?
AT A MOTEL IN KENOSHA, WISCONSIN. THE MANAGER'S ROOM SMELLED LIKE CIGARS.
WRRINGGG
HANG ON...I GOTTA TAKE THIS CALL.
BLAH BLAH BLAH OKAY. BYE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT...OKAY, WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT?
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
I CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER AND PLAYING POKER, MR. DEATH.
SURE. BUT I NOTICE YOU HAVE FIVE ACES. HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?
GEE. I DON'T KNOW. BUT I GUESS I WIN.
I LOVE CHEATING DEATH.

OKAY, STAC, LISTEN. AS FLAWED A HUSBAND AS I MAY BE, I WANT TO SAY THAT BEING MARRIED TO YOU HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON. AND EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER.
OH, STEPHAN, THAT'S SO SWEET. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OR HOW TO ---
Dis you kid?
DON'T LET THIS RUIN THE MOMENT, STAC!
HIYA, POPS.

Hey, Doc, Wife plop out kid yet?
YES, LARRY. YOUR WIFE GAVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY SON.
Son? HAHA. Look like Dad?
YES. WELL, WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THAT BECAUSE...
Me should problee have talk wid wife.
Hiya, Pops.

SO LARRY, YOU'LL BE IN HERE FOR THE DELIVERY TO ASSIST YOUR WIFE?
NO. ME BE IN HALL PLAYING 'FRUIT NINJA.'
BUT, SIR, THIS IS YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILD HERE. SURELY YOU WANT TO SEE THAT.
HEY...ME MIGHT LIKE HOT DOGS, BUT DAT DO MEAN ME WANT SEE HOW DEY MADE.
YOU MARRIED THIS MAN?
HAHA...YEAH. NOONUM MAKE POOR CHOICES.

FIRST KID?
NO. IS SECOND.
WELL, IT'S MY FIRST. FOR ME, ITS AS EXCITING AS FLYING TO THE MOON OR SOMETHING.
FOR ME, EES AS EXCITING AS CLEANING ROOF GUTTERS.
I HEARD THAT, LARRY!
DA THRILL IS GONE, NOOMUN! DA THRILL IS GONE!

LARRY, I HAVE SOME BIG NEWS FOR YOU.
Wuh?
You eet too much meatloaf.?
IT'S A CHILD, YOU IDIOT.
You eet child ?

To all banks, insurance companies, computer makers, cable providers, and other big giganto corporations.
Thank you for your beautiful commercials filled with beautiful people telling me beautiful things about your beautiful company.
I can see from all these ads that you really want me to like you… And I WANT to like you.
So here's a suggestion.
Sometimes I have to call you. And when I do, instead of spending all those billions on ads…
HAVE A LIVE, NON-ROBOTIC HUMAN IN THIS COUNTRY PROMPTLY PICK UP THE %&*@^ PHONE!!!!!
I THINK I BLEW OUT MY NERVOUS SYSTEM.
TOO BAD… THE TIME FOR OUR HEALTH INSURER IS TWELVE HOURS.

WHERE WAS PIG TODAY? I DIDN'T SEE HIM AT THE DINER.
I GAVE HIM ONE OF THOSE CHINESE FINGER TRAPS.
ONE OF THOSE SMALL WOVEN CYLINDERS THAT FREE YOU EASILY IF YOU JUST RELAX YOUR FINGERS AND DON'T PANIC?
I CHOSE PANIC.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE SAID HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND PIGITA HAD GOTTEN BORING, SO I TOLD HIM TO SPICE IT UP WITH SOME ROLE PLAYING.
ROLE PLAYING? DOES HE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU?
NO.

OH, KEN, WHAT A GREAT FIRST DATE.
I AGREE, STACI... IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE HOW THE NIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER.
YOU'RE CRUSHING THE BASKET, KEN.
I CAN THINK OF A WAY.
HE'S BITING MY LEG.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG.
I INVENTED A TIME MACHINE.
BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT TRYING IT.
WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IT TRAVELS BACK.
IT COULD TRAVEL FORWARD.
SO? LET'S TRY IT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN IF WE MOVE OUR LIVES FORWARD A BUNCH OF YEARS?

HI, STACI...IT SURE IS NICE TO MEET YOU IN PERSON AFTER SEEING YOUR PROFILE ON THAT DATING SITE...HEY, BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW THERE’S A MAN ON YOUR PORCH?:)
THATS MY EX. HE LIVES THERE.
I DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.