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RAT THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE:
THE OTHER CANDIDATES PROPOSE BUILDING WALLS TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. THAT IS STUPID, COSTLY, AND IMPRACTICAL.
SO INSTEAD, I PROPOSE THAT EVERY NON-AMERICAN IN THE WORLD BE FORCED TO WEAR A SHOCK COLLAR THAT WILL GO OFF IF THEY TRY TO ENTER OUR COUNTRY.
MOST DEPRESSING ELECTION EVER.
AND FOR THE FASHION-CONSCIOUS, THEY COME IN SIX ATTRACTIVE COLORS.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
'Cross start Releejun O' Love.'
THAT SOUNDS NICE. WHAT DO YOU GUYS BELIEVE?
Lemme ask God. He talk to me
ees special headphones.
God say,
'Keel evree one who no believee.'
THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR 'RELEEJUN O' LOVE' IS TO KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE?
HAHA. Yeah. God likee. My son idea.
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK GOD REALLY TALKS TO YOU THROUGH THOSE HEADPHONES. I THINK YOU JUST USE GOD TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
Hang on.
God say 'Shut your fat face.'
THIS IS WHY I'M AN ATHEIST.
Okay, God add, 'Me gonna kee you een @#&*.'

PIG, THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR ED. HE'S MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS INVESTING IN HEDGE FUNDS.
IF I'D HAVE KNOWN THEY WERE WORTH THAT MUCH, I WOULD HAVE SPENT A LOT MORE TIME TRIMMING OURS.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START OVER.
I WILL CARVE THEM INTO LITTLE ANIMALS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
GOAT MADE THIS BIG DIAGRAM OF HIS BRAIN, SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY TO DO ONE OF MY OWN BRAIN.
LEMME SEE YOURS.
SURE.
NOW I'M HUNGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT OVERPOPULATION IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. AND IF PEOPLE WON'T SLOW DOWN THE BIRTH RATE, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO DO OTHER THINGS TO CONTROL THE POPULATION.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE HAND OUT FRIED FOOD AND CIGARETTES.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
OOH... A COUPON FOR A MOTORCYCLE.

I'M TIRED OF EVERY DAY BEING A COMMEMORATION OF SOMETHING. SO I DECLARE TODAY, AUGUST 24, INTERNATIONAL DAY THAT CELEBRATES NOTHING DAY.
CAN'T. IT'S 'WAFFLE DAY.'
WAFFLES HAVE THEIR OWN DAY?
TWO, ACTUALLY.
IT'S OUT OF CONTROL!

WHAT’S THAT, RAT
IT’S THE ALL-KNOWING EYE.
IT WATCHES EVERYTHING YOU DO. I SELL IT TO GOVERNMENTS AND EMPLOYERS AND RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS.
GEE, I DON’T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT.
IT’S OKAY, HONEY, IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
I SOLD ONE TO YOUR MOTHER.

I'M BRILLIANT.
BUT MY MOM'S NOT THAT SMART. AND MY DAD'S NOT THAT SMART.
DO YOU THINK ALIENS LEFT ME HERE AS A GIFT?
WHAT AN ENJOYABLE CONVERSATION.
I SHALL START WEARING A BOW.

RAT'S SOCIAL CUES FOR THE SOCIALLY INEPT
You may talk too much.
Shirts cannot be worn six days in a row.
Hey. It's me.
Met u at bar.
Hey. It's me again.
Hey. Wassup?
Hey...
She doesn't want to talk to you.
You do not bring added joy to the holidays.
That pick-up line was not effective.
My son did not fulfill expectations.
PRETTY BRILLIANT, HUH?

GOAT, THIS IS MY ARTIST FRIEND, LEON. HIS WORK HANGS IN ALL THE BIG MUSEUMS.
WOW. WHICH ONES?
BOBS ART GALLERY. FRED'S MUSEUM. ANNAS ART HOUSE.
GEE. I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THOSE. I THOUGH HE SAID YOUR WORK HANGS IN ALL THE BIG MUSEUMS.
THEY HAVE A TON OF SQUARE FOOTAGE.
AND HIS WORK IS HUGE OVERSEAS.
TALL AND WIDE?
VERY.

HEY, L'IL SCOUT...I SEE YOU GOT A NEW MERIT BADGE WITH A LITTLE FLAME ON IT. DID YOU GET THAT FOR LEARNING TO START A CAMPFIRE?
YES, SIR.
IN A FAILING BUSINESS WITH A LOT OF INSURANCE.
SHOULD ARSON BE A MERIT BADGE?
IT'S A REAL GRAY AREA.
WE STILL SING SONGS AND ROAST MARSHMALLOWS.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
WE'RE HOMES. AND THIS IS A HOME INVASION.
ARRRRRGH
SURELY, YOU COULD GET ANOTHER JOB.
NOPE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK. I HEARD YOU WERE IN A COMA. WHAT WAS IT LIKE?
WEIRD, 'CAUSE I COULD STILL HEAR PEOPLE AROUND ME... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE AND NOT BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM?
SORT OF.

AND SO, NEIGHBOR BOB, A BILLION YEARS FROM NOW, OUR SUN WILL GROW BIGGER AND HOTTER AND OUR POLAR CAPS WILL MELT AND THE OCEANS WILL BOIL UNTIL ALL THE WATER IS GONE AND ALL LIFE ON EARTH WILL DIE.
AND TWO BILLION YEARS LATER, THE SUN WILL GROW EVEN LARGER, ENGULFING OUR ORBIT AND OBLITERATING THE ENTIRE EARTH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT LIFELESS ASHES TO BE SCATTERED THROUGHOUT SPACE.
AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT MOWING YOUR LAWN?
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER, BOB

GOAT, THIS IS MY PAL CHEWIE. SHE WORKS FOR BASEBALL MANAGER MIKE SCIOSCIA.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
I DO ALL HIS POSTINGS ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER. BUT I GET TIRED OF BEING A PAID SHILL, AND SO...
SO WHAT?
SO SHOULD CHEWIE SO SHILL SCIOSCIA SOCIAL MEDIA?
SAY IT THREE TIMES FAST.
CAN'T BE DONE.

PARDON ME, BUT I'M TRYING TO-
GET A CUP OF COFFEE. BECAUSE AMERICANS HAVE TO GO GO GO. WORK WORK WORK.
WELL, NOT ME... NOT ANYMORE. BECAUSE I'M BORROWING THE CUSTOM OF THE SIESTA FROM SPAIN.
THEY TAKE A TWO-HOUR BREAK FROM 2:00 P.M. TO 4:00 P.M. AND THEY NAP... AND AS A RESULT, THEY HAVE BALANCED LIVES. AND THEY'RE HAPPY. NOT INSANE, OVER-CAFFEINATED LOONS LIKE YOU.
IT'S 9:30 A.M.
I'VE EXPANDED THE CUSTOM TO TEN HOURS.
I'LL GO GO GO ELSEWHERE.
PERHAPS I'LL GO GO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.
HE DOES GET UP, BUT BRIEFLY TO GUZZLE WINE.

DEAR CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE
BAD NEWS:
THINGS HERE ARE MESSED UP.
GOOD NEWS:
WE WILL GIVE YOU A MULLIGAN.
THAT OUGHT TO FIX EVERYTHING.

Whuh for deener, woomun?
CHICKEN AND POTATOES.
No can eat cheeken. We go jail.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LARRY?
Zeeba gave me endan-gered species list. Cheeken on it.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU FELL FOR THIS.
FLY AWAY, leetle friend. BE FREE!

HEY, RAT, WANT TO LAY OUT IN THE SUN WITH ME?
NAH. I DON'T LIKE THE SUN HERE IN OUR VALLEY. IT ALWAYS GETS COVERED BY CLOUDS. I MUCH PREFER IT AT THE BEACH.
WELL, THE BEACH SUN MIGHT BE BETTER THAN THE SUN OF OUR VALLEY, BUT THAT MEAN LIFEGUARD IS THERE AND I DON'T LIKE HIM, SO I'LL JUST TAKE THE SUN HERE.
BUT I LIKE THE SUN OF A BEACH.
STOP!
WHAT NOW?
HE PROBABLY HATES THE SUN OF A BEACH.

THE CROCS ARE AFRAID TO EAT ANYTHING ON THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST, SO I PUT A BIG LIST OF THOSE ANIMALS IN THEIR MAILBOX.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH ANIMALS ARE ENDANGERED?
I DON'T, REALLY. SO I THREW IN EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. AND THEN SOME.
TOFU ENDANGERED?
HOW MANY LEGS A TOFU GOT?

PARDON ME, GENTLEMEN, BUT I'M A LAWYER FOR THE GOVERNMENT AND THIS HERE'S A LIST OF ALL THE ENDANGERED SPECIES IN THIS AREA. YOU ARE NOT TO HUNT, HARM, OR HARASS THEM IN ANY WAY.
Can me see list?
OF COURSE.
His name no was on list.

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU SO EXCITED?
I GOT A ROLE IN A FILM. I PLAY WILLEM DAFOE'S ENEMY. BUT I'M NOT REALLY HIS ENEMY.
SO YOU'RE A WILLEM DAFOE FAUX FOE.
Fee Fi FO Fum, YOUR WHOLE STRIP IS REALLY DUMB.

I am stressed out by financial troubles, thought Bob to himself. And I must do something to relax.
So Bob took a class on transcendental meditation.
Sit in a calm, quiet space for twenty minutes a day and just repeat a brief mantra to yourself.

So Bob went home. And for twenty minutes a day, he sat in a calm, quiet place and repeated his mantra.
I do not understand, said his spiritual guru. At this point, your spiritual energy should be in harmony with the universe. What, if I may ask, is your mantra??
Financially broke failure, said Bob.
Bob was kicked out of meditation class.
MEDITATION'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.

I'M THINKING ABOUT OPENING A 10,000 SEAT OUTDOOR CONCERT VENUE ON OUR BLOCK.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THIS IS A RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD. AT A MINIMUM, YOU'D HAVE TO FILE AN ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT REPORT.
I DID.
HAVE A LOOK.
THERE WILL BE NOISE.
COULD YOU ADD A LITTLE MORE DETAIL?
LOTS OF NOISE.

WHO'S THE LITTLE GUY?
MY DOG 'LIBIDO.' HE WANTS TO RUN AROUND FREE IN THE YARD.
RINNGG
HI, PIG... IT'S ME, PIGITA. DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR A WHILE?
SURE. BUT MY LIBIDO REALLY NEEDS TO BE UNLEASHED.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAY HOME.
YOU'RE VERY FICKLE.