Pearls Before Swine | Search

SOMETIMES I HOPE THAT SOME ALIEN PLANET ATTACKS US SO THAT EVERYONE ON EARTH HAS TO WORK TOGETHER AND PUT ASIDE ALL THE SILLY BELIEFS THAT DIVIDE US.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT, PIG.
SORT OF LIKE HOW THE FONZ AND MR. KOTTER AND CHARLIE'S ANGELS ALL PLAYED FOR THE SAME TEAM ON "BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS!"
BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT RUINED.
WEREN'T C.B.S. AND N.B.C. BATTLING AGAINST THEM?
OH, I HATED C.B.S.!

WHAT'S WITH THE RING?
IT'S FROM COLLEGE. I WEAR IT SO THAT WHEREVER I GO, I CARRY A MEMENTO OF WHERE I SPENT THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
YEAH. WHAT WOULD IT BE FOR YOU?
YOUR BARSTOOL DOESN'T COUNT.
IT IS A LITTLE HEAVY.

HEY, BENNY THE BEACH BUM, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. JUST SITTING HERE ON THE BEACH.
DON'T YOU EVER HAVE ANY AMBITION TO DO ANYTHING?
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE GETTING A JOB.
WHY?
TO MAKE MONEY.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN BUILD UP YOUR SAVINGS AND ONE DAY RETIRE.
WHY?
SO YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT... YOU KNOW, RELAX, HANG OUT... SIT ON THE BEACH.
YOU'RE THE MOST BRILLIANT HUMAN ALIVE.

LOOKS LIKE THE WORLD'S BEES ARE DYING OFF. THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE IT MEANS NO MORE BEE STINGS.
NO BEES -- NO POLLINATION. NO POLLINATION -- NO FOOD SUPPLY. NO FOOD SUPPLY -- WE ALL DIE.
YOU ALWAYS FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PIG?
THIS BASEBALL CARD DEALER HAS GIVEN ME THE BURDEN OF TAKING CARE OF HIS 1909 HONUS WAGNER CARD. IT'S A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.
SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?
BECAUSE HE PAYS ME. AND IF I DO A GOOD JOB, I'LL GET AN EXTRA CHECK AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
SO IT'S A HONUS ONUS BONUS?
A NEW LOWNESS.

YOUR PARTY LAST NIGHT WAS A BIT LOUD, NEIGHBOR BOB.
I HAD FRIENDS OVER. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DIE BOB.
DIE RAT.
THIS IS A NO-FLY ZONE, BOB.
TELL IT TO THE DRONE, RAT.

RAT HAS BEGUN SELLING THE PENTAGON'S SURPLUS DRONES TO REGULAR FOLK TO THREATEN THEIR UNFRIENDLY NEIGHBORS.
PASS THE KETCHUP OR ELSE, BOB.
STAY OUT OF MY AIRSPACE, @%#*!$#.
BUSINESS IS GOING WELL.
OMELETTE WAS COLD, FRED. I'M BOMBING TABLE FOUR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SELLING SURPLUS DRONES I BOUGHT FROM THE PENTAGON. THEY'RE FOR REGULAR FOLK.
TO DO WHAT?
SPY ON BAD NEIGHBORS. INTIMIDATE THEM. OR IF YOU JUST CAN'T SEE EYE-TO-EYE, LEVEL THEIR HOUSE.
YOU'RE INSANE! WHO WANTS TO USE A DRONE TO LEVEL THEIR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE?!
YOU REALLY UNDERESTIMATE PEOPLE.
I HAVE A COUPON FOR THE HELLFIRE MISSILES.

RINNING
RINNING
AREN'T YOU
GONNA GET
THAT?
NO. IT'S
JUST THE
HOUSE
PHONE.
SO?
SO THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO STILL CALL ON THE
HOUSE PHONE ARE TELE-
MARKETERS AND PEOPLE
WITH THE WRONG
NUMBER.
WHEN DID OUR
HOME PHONE
BECOME THE
LEAST EFFECT-
IVE MEANS OF
REACHING US?
I JUST
KEEP IT IN
CASE I EVER
NEED TO
STRANGLE
SOMEONE.

A Syndicated Cartoonist's Top Ten List of Topics That Generate the Most Complaints
No. 10
SEX
No. 9
Drugs
No. 8
Ethnicity
No. 7
PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDERS
No. 6
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES
No. 5
Praise for Obama
No. 4
Criticism of Obama
No. 3
Any mention of FOX news
No. 2
Religion
No. 1
Race
I SAW THAT BLACK MUSLIM OBAMA ON FOX NEWS.
THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION!
DO YOU THINK HE HAS SEX WHILE ON DRUGS?

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO GO TO THE FARMERS MARKET WITH US?
YEAH, I LOVE FARMERS MARKETS. WHAT ARE THEY SELLING?
FARMERS.
WHAT ELSE WOULD THEY SELL AT A FARMERS MARKET?
I HATE THIS COMIC STRIP.
GIMME THE FAT ONE WITH THE PITCHFORK.

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
DOLLY GRIP.
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
WOW, YOU SEEM YOUNG, BUT YOU HAVE A VERY FIRM HANDSHAKE. WHAT DO YOU DO IN FILMS?
BEST BOY GRIP.
I SEE.
SO MOSTLY I JUST GO AROUND SHAKING HANDS.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVE THE WORD "LOVE" PRINTED ACROSS THE BUTT OF YOUR SWEATPANTS.
SO?
SO DO YOU LOVE YOUR BUTT? OR DOES YOUR BUTT LOVE YOU? OR DOES YOUR BUTT JUST WANT US TO LOVE OTHERS?
THEY WERE MY ONLY CLEAN SWEATPANTS.
AND WHY IS YOUR BUTT SO OPINIONATED?

HEY, GOAT, IT'S ME, RAT. IF YOU'RE STILL GOING TO DINNER AND THE BARS WITH ME TONIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:02.
7:02? WHY NOT JUST 7:00?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH SETTING TIMES THAT END IN -00, -15 OR -30, WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE 7:02 IS AS VALID AS THOSE OTHER NUMBERS. SO END THE MINDLESS CONFORMITY AND JOIN ME IN THE REVOLUTION.
UH. I CAN DRINK TIL 11:00.
TOO BAD. I'LL BE OUT 'TIL 1:16.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HIGHEST PAID STATE EMPLOYEE IN 39 STATES IS EITHER A FOOTBALL OR A BASKETBALL COACH?
AND WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THAT SEND?
THAT BASEBALL COACHES ARE GETTING SCREWED.
I MEANT, AS IN WHAT WE'RE TEACHING OUR KIDS.
NOT TO BE A BASEBALL COACH?

I HEAR YOU WENT TO THE DODGERS-GIANTS GAME. WHAT WAS THE SCORE?
GIANTS WON 4-2.
HOW CAN THEY WIN?
I SAID THE GIANTS HAD ONE MORE RUN THAN THE DODGERS, SO-
AND RIGHT, THE DODGERS, TOO?
THAT MAKES NO SENSE! DID YOU AT LEAST HAPPEN TO SEE HOW MANY RUNS THE GIANTS SCORED IN THEIR FOUR?
FOR MY BET, I HAVE BIG MONEY ON THIS.
THEN I HOPE THAT'S THE NUMBER I NEEDED. BE RIGHT BACK.
I JUST TOLD YOU. I WILL BE FINED. ASK MY GERMAN FRIEND, HANS.
FINE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY RUNS THE DODGERS SCORED?
NEIN!
YOU JUST SCORED ME $100.
I SAID IT'S FOUR-SOMETHING.
DUDE, JUST GIMME THE RIGHT DODGERS GIANTS SCORE AND - UNLESS YOU ALREADY HAD FOOD AT THE GAME.
ATE NOTHING.
WHY DID HE GIVE ME NOTHING?
MEEEE.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!
I WAS TOO UPSET THE DODGERS HAD WON.

LOOK AT THAT BIRD SITTING ON THE AUTOMATIC SPRINKLER.
YEAH, THAT'S BENNY THE FLIGHTLESS ROBIN.
WHY'S HE JUST SITTING THERE?
HE'S HOPING THAT ONE DAY THE SPRINKLER WILL TURN ON AND POP HIM UP INTO THE AIR, GIVING HIM THE ILLUSION OF FLIGHT.
THAT. AND IT'S CHEAPER THAN A BIDET.
THAT'S BOTH SAD AND REVOLTING.
A LITTLE PRIVACY, PLEASE.

YOUR FURNITURE DOESN'T COME WITH A LIST OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON PUTTING IT TOGETHER. NOR DO YOUR SHOES. OR YOUR SHIRT. OR YOUR CAR. OR YOUR CARPET.
SO?
SO WHY DO MOVIES?
SOMETIMES YOU STUMP EVEN ME.
ATTENTION: GAFFERS... I DO NOT NEED YOUR NAME!

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW SOME
ARCHAEOLOGISTS GET ALL THEIR
KNOWLEDGE ABOUT CERTAIN
CIVILIZATIONS FROM
GRAVESITES?
YEAH, SO?
SO I'M GONNA BE BURIED WITH
A CHICKEN AND A TOASTER OVEN.
GOOD FOR
YOU.
DID THIS CIVILIZATION
LOVE TOAST-- OR
CHICKENS? OR DID
THE CHICKENS LOVE
TOAST?

NOAH! NOAH! SAVE US FROM THESE RISING WATERS!
NO CAN DO. ALREADY FILLED THE ARK WITH EVERYONE WHOSE SOUL WAS WORTHY OF SALVATION.
WHO WAS WORTH SAVING?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
Helllooo.
THAT SEEMS BIASED.
PARTY ON THE POOP DECK!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WATER?
THE OCEANS ARE RISING AND OUR ONLY HOPE IS FOR NOAH TO DEEM US WORTHY OF REDEMPTION AND SAVE US WITH HIS ARK.
SEE YA. WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA.
THAT'S DISCOURAGING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M NOAH. I'VE RETURNED TO GATHER EVERYONE WORTHY OF REDEMPTION ONTO MY ARK AND SAVE THEM FROM THE RISING SEAS.
WHO DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
MY DOG SKIPPY.
HARD TIMES AHEAD.

HEY, BUNNY. HOW GOES THE BOOK?
GOOD. I'M LEARNING HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN.
WITH THIS BOOK, THE "NOSE-RING DARE BOOK." YOU CAN DO ALL THESE CRAZY TRICKS YOU CAN DO WITH NOSE RINGS. AND WOMEN LOVE IT.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE LIGHTED UP A LOT OF WOMEN.
OH, YEAH. ALL THE IMPORTANT PARTS. BUT THIS IS JUST THE ONE I’VE READ.
YOU HAVE OTHERS?
YEP. I HAVE THIS UNREAD VERSION AS WELL. KEPT IT AS A COLLECTOR’S ITEM IN CASE ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO THE READ ONE. GOD FORBID.
HEY, DUDE, DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING A LITTLE OVERBOARD? IT'S A STUPID BOOK.
THAT’S RUDE. BE POLITE.
YOU'D BE POLITE OR RUDE IF I TOOK ONE OF THEM AND PUT IT TO THE TOP OF THE READ VERSION?
RUDE! OFF THE READ ‘NOSE RING DARE’!
IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS.
MY PUNS ARE TIMELESS.

I WANT MORE OF EVERYTHING. AND I WANT IT BIGGER AND FASTER.
BUT WHERE DOES THAT ALL END?
WHEN I'VE GOT THE MOSTEST OF THE BIGGEST AND THE FASTEST.
SO GRAMMAR'S A HIGH PRIORITY?
I WANT THE BESTEST.