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GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BOB. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?
DOLLY GRIP.
THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

THIS IS MY FRIEND, TOM. HE WORKS IN THE FILM INDUSTRY.
WOW, YOU SEEM YOUNG, BUT YOU HAVE A VERY FIRM HANDSHAKE. WHAT DO YOU DO IN FILMS?
BEST BOY GRIP.
I SEE.
SO MOSTLY I JUST GO AROUND SHAKING HANDS.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVE THE WORD "LOVE" PRINTED ACROSS THE BUTT OF YOUR SWEATPANTS.
SO?
SO DO YOU LOVE YOUR BUTT? OR DOES YOUR BUTT LOVE YOU? OR DOES YOUR BUTT JUST WANT US TO LOVE OTHERS?
THEY WERE MY ONLY CLEAN SWEATPANTS.
AND WHY IS YOUR BUTT SO OPINIONATED?

HEY, GOAT, IT'S ME, RAT. IF YOU'RE STILL GOING TO DINNER AND THE BARS WITH ME TONIGHT, I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:02.
7:02? WHY NOT JUST 7:00?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH SETTING TIMES THAT END IN -00, -15 OR -30, WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE 7:02 IS AS VALID AS THOSE OTHER NUMBERS. SO END THE MINDLESS CONFORMITY AND JOIN ME IN THE REVOLUTION.
UH. I CAN DRINK TIL 11:00.
TOO BAD. I'LL BE OUT 'TIL 1:16.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HIGHEST PAID STATE EMPLOYEE IN 39 STATES IS EITHER A FOOTBALL OR A BASKETBALL COACH?
AND WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THAT SEND?
THAT BASEBALL COACHES ARE GETTING SCREWED.
I MEANT, AS IN WHAT WE'RE TEACHING OUR KIDS.
NOT TO BE A BASEBALL COACH?

I HEAR YOU WENT TO THE DODGERS-GIANTS GAME. WHAT WAS THE SCORE?
GIANTS WON 4-2.
HOW CAN THEY WIN?
I SAID THE GIANTS HAD ONE MORE RUN THAN THE DODGERS, SO-
AND RIGHT, THE DODGERS, TOO?
THAT MAKES NO SENSE! DID YOU AT LEAST HAPPEN TO SEE HOW MANY RUNS THE GIANTS SCORED IN THEIR FOUR?
FOR MY BET, I HAVE BIG MONEY ON THIS.
THEN I HOPE THAT'S THE NUMBER I NEEDED. BE RIGHT BACK.
I JUST TOLD YOU. I WILL BE FINED. ASK MY GERMAN FRIEND, HANS.
FINE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY RUNS THE DODGERS SCORED?
NEIN!
YOU JUST SCORED ME $100.
I SAID IT'S FOUR-SOMETHING.
DUDE, JUST GIMME THE RIGHT DODGERS GIANTS SCORE AND - UNLESS YOU ALREADY HAD FOOD AT THE GAME.
ATE NOTHING.
WHY DID HE GIVE ME NOTHING?
MEEEE.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!
I WAS TOO UPSET THE DODGERS HAD WON.

LOOK AT THAT BIRD SITTING ON THE AUTOMATIC SPRINKLER.
YEAH, THAT'S BENNY THE FLIGHTLESS ROBIN.
WHY'S HE JUST SITTING THERE?
HE'S HOPING THAT ONE DAY THE SPRINKLER WILL TURN ON AND POP HIM UP INTO THE AIR, GIVING HIM THE ILLUSION OF FLIGHT.
THAT. AND IT'S CHEAPER THAN A BIDET.
THAT'S BOTH SAD AND REVOLTING.
A LITTLE PRIVACY, PLEASE.

YOUR FURNITURE DOESN'T COME WITH A LIST OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON PUTTING IT TOGETHER. NOR DO YOUR SHOES. OR YOUR SHIRT. OR YOUR CAR. OR YOUR CARPET.
SO?
SO WHY DO MOVIES?
SOMETIMES YOU STUMP EVEN ME.
ATTENTION: GAFFERS... I DO NOT NEED YOUR NAME!

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW SOME
ARCHAEOLOGISTS GET ALL THEIR
KNOWLEDGE ABOUT CERTAIN
CIVILIZATIONS FROM
GRAVESITES?
YEAH, SO?
SO I'M GONNA BE BURIED WITH
A CHICKEN AND A TOASTER OVEN.
GOOD FOR
YOU.
DID THIS CIVILIZATION
LOVE TOAST-- OR
CHICKENS? OR DID
THE CHICKENS LOVE
TOAST?

NOAH! NOAH! SAVE US FROM THESE RISING WATERS!
NO CAN DO. ALREADY FILLED THE ARK WITH EVERYONE WHOSE SOUL WAS WORTHY OF SALVATION.
WHO WAS WORTH SAVING?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON.
Helllooo.
THAT SEEMS BIASED.
PARTY ON THE POOP DECK!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WATER?
THE OCEANS ARE RISING AND OUR ONLY HOPE IS FOR NOAH TO DEEM US WORTHY OF REDEMPTION AND SAVE US WITH HIS ARK.
SEE YA. WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA.
THAT'S DISCOURAGING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. I'M NOAH. I'VE RETURNED TO GATHER EVERYONE WORTHY OF REDEMPTION ONTO MY ARK AND SAVE THEM FROM THE RISING SEAS.
WHO DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
MY DOG SKIPPY.
HARD TIMES AHEAD.

HEY, BUNNY. HOW GOES THE BOOK?
GOOD. I'M LEARNING HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN.
WITH THIS BOOK, THE "NOSE-RING DARE BOOK." YOU CAN DO ALL THESE CRAZY TRICKS YOU CAN DO WITH NOSE RINGS. AND WOMEN LOVE IT.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE LIGHTED UP A LOT OF WOMEN.
OH, YEAH. ALL THE IMPORTANT PARTS. BUT THIS IS JUST THE ONE I’VE READ.
YOU HAVE OTHERS?
YEP. I HAVE THIS UNREAD VERSION AS WELL. KEPT IT AS A COLLECTOR’S ITEM IN CASE ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO THE READ ONE. GOD FORBID.
HEY, DUDE, DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING A LITTLE OVERBOARD? IT'S A STUPID BOOK.
THAT’S RUDE. BE POLITE.
YOU'D BE POLITE OR RUDE IF I TOOK ONE OF THEM AND PUT IT TO THE TOP OF THE READ VERSION?
RUDE! OFF THE READ ‘NOSE RING DARE’!
IT'S NOT EVEN CHRISTMAS.
MY PUNS ARE TIMELESS.

I WANT MORE OF EVERYTHING. AND I WANT IT BIGGER AND FASTER.
BUT WHERE DOES THAT ALL END?
WHEN I'VE GOT THE MOSTEST OF THE BIGGEST AND THE FASTEST.
SO GRAMMAR'S A HIGH PRIORITY?
I WANT THE BESTEST.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST. I HEAR THE CITY IS PUTTING BIKE LANES ON EVERY STREET. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
NOT GREAT ENOUGH.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?
FOR PEOPLE TO CLEAR A SIX-FOOT-WIDE PATH WHEN ANY OF US CYCLISTS IS WALKING AROUND, SO THAT WE DON'T GET YOUR ORDINARYNESS ON US.
I FEEL LIKE I'M SITTING TOO CLOSE.
YOU ARE. CLEAR THE JEF PATH.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ABOUT THE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BRAIN. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE CEREBRAL CORTEX, THE FRONTAL LOBE, THE HIPPOCAMPUS.
SORRY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THAT IS?
THE HIPPOCAMPUS IS WHERE THE HIPPOS GO TO COLLEGE.
NO.
THEY MUST HAVE VERY LARGE CHAIRS.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS CINNAMON ROLL?
OH. I USED TO EAT TWO OF THOSE A DAY WHEN I WAS A KID AND NOT GAIN A POUND. BUT NOW, NOT SO MUCH.
WELL, HERE. JUST
HAVE ONE
BITE THEN.
OKAY.
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
SPLORT
I NO LONGER FIT IN THE PANEL.
YOU OWE ME A LIFETIME OF SPIN CLASSES.

DID YOU KNOW THAT NEWSPAPERS CHARGE PEOPLE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS TO PRINT THE OBITUARIES OF THEIR LOVED ONES?
SO?
SO WE HAVE SPACE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
YES. SPACE THAT I USE TO BE FUNNY AND ENTERTAINING AND--
GET RID OF IT.
THIS IS MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD?
Mom want re-new wedding vows.
So me writing what me gonna say.
THAT'S WONDERFUL, DAD. LET'S HEAR IT.
"Me, Larry, ees take wife to have and to hold..."
"For better or worse, or much worse, which ees how it usually ees."
UH ... DAD.
"But being meesereable ees okay, because one day me die."

The council of aliens met at alien headquarters.
We are an advanced race but that poor race of humans is not. They are sad, silly, and stupid.
So the council of aliens passed a resolution.
We will save the human race from itself.
And so, using all of their advanced technology, the aliens constructed their gift to humanity.
And fired it in a rocket to earth.
And thus, I was born.
AND THAT'S CHAPTER ONE OF MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
BURN CHAPTER TWO.
DON'T MOCK OUR GIFT!!

I'M LOVING THIS BOOK ON THE BRITISH MONARCHY. THIS CHAPTER'S ON THE KINGS AND QUEENS THAT WERE TUDORS.
THEY SOUND NICE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
THEY HELP YOU WITH ALGEBRA.
TUDORS, NOT TUTORS.
STOP. BEFORE HIS BRAIN EXPLODES.
OHHH, TOOTERS. LIKE HORN BLOWERS.
TOOOT!!

HEY, STACI. I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR TOUGH TIMES, BUT WHEN YOU FIRST MET ME, DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'D WON THE LOTTERY?
I FELT LIKE I WAS ON "LET'S MAKE A DEAL" AND WHEN THEY OPENED THE CURTAIN, I GOT A COW.
NO ONE WILL GET THAT REFERENCE!
Moooooooo...

I THINK I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU. I'LL GUARD DUCK AND PROTECT US AGAINST THE BAD GUYS.
WELL, YOU'D HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH THAT'S A LOT LIKE THE DOCTOR'S OATH.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?
'FIRST, DO HARM.'
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE A DOCTOR.
THIS HAS MORE INSTANT GRATIFICATION

YOU LEARNED
HOW TO SCAN
PHOTOS INTO
THE STRIP.
AND
THEY'RE
ALL
OF MY
FACE!
IF WE
HAD
WALLPAPER,
IT WOULD
LOOK LIKE
PANEL TWO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORAL CODE THAT YOU USE TO GUIDE YOUR LIFE?
JUST THE GOLDEN RULE.
I'M SURPRISED YOU KNOW IT.
OF COURSE I KNOW IT.
'DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY GET WIND OF IT AND DO IT UNTO YOU.'
THAT WASN'T QUITE IT.
I HAD TO BE CLOSE.