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JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER FINALLY LISTENED TO ME AND GOT A JOB. WHEN HE GOES TO WORK TODAY, I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM RESPECT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
SURE. MOM. WHAT KIND OF JOB DID HE GET?
YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE A CLOWN AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES. AND HE'S VERY EXCITED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, DAD. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
CUTE LITTLE ANIMAL BALLOONS. SHOW HIM ONE, LARRY.
PHOOO PHOOO
FAT LADY'S REAR END.
ATTITUDE, LARRY!
NO REAR ENDS, DAD.
Okay...Eyes up mudder's beeg mouf.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE OTHERS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES?
THAT THEY SHOULD JUST BE THEMSELVES.
SO IF SOME GUY IS A NARCISSISTIC, SOCIOPATHIC, RUDE PSYCHO, HE SHOULD JUST STAY THAT WAY?
LET'S START OVER.
WATCH ME BE MYSELF.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
ONE FRIDAY A MONTH, WE CYCLISTS GET TOGETHER FOR A MASSIVE RIDE WHERE WE TAKE OVER THE STREETS AND STOP TRAFFIC. IT PROMOTES CYCLING, THE ENVIRONMENT, PEACE AND LOVE.
SO THAT'S WHY I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC FOR THREE HOURS?
YEAH. SO?
SO I BLOW-TORCHED YOUR BIKE FRAME INTO THE SHAPE OF A HEART.
I'LL BREAK YOUR GRASPING FACE.
BUT JEFF, IT'S A HEART!

I GOT A NEW JOB.
DOING WHAT?
WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' WITH THE BRIGHT SUN AND LISTEN, GIRL. I AIN'T MISSED YOU NONE.
"AIN'T" IS NOT CORRECT ENGLISH, AND YOU'VE USED A DOUBLE NEGATIVE, SO LET'S TRY, "I HAVEN'T MISSED YOU AN INORDINATE AMOUNT."
YOU CORRECT THE BLUES?
YES.
WHAT RHYMES WITH "INORDINATE?"

WHERE WERE YOU?
FIRST DATE. I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION, SO I GOT ALL DRESSED UP AND TOOK HER TO A NICE BREAKFAST PLACE.
WHAT'D YOU ORDER?
SHE HAD COFFEE, AND I HAD A POPPY SEED BAGEL.
SMILE.
WHY DO I SENSE DOOM?
POPPY SEED BAGELS: THE DEATH KNELL OF GOOD FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT A GENEROUS GESTURE. WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO IT?
BECAUSE MY GIGANTIC BRAIN SHOULD LIVE FOREVER.
THEY DON'T TAKE THE BRAIN.
WHOA. SO MUCH FOR HELPING STUPID PEOPLE.

NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE HAVE GOTTEN A GOOSE. THEY SAY ITS HELPED WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
HOW SO?
WHEN BOB IS NICE TO THE GOOSE, HIS WIFE FEELS CLOSER TO HIM. AND AS A RESULT, SHE'S MORE OPEN AND FRANK WITH HIM.
SO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE CANDOR.
YOU'RE DESTROYING OUR MORALE.

WHERE'S YOUR PHONE TODAY GOAT?
I LEFT IT AT HOME. I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SO GLUED TO IT ANYMORE.
HOW COME?
I REALIZED THAT WHEN I HAVE IT ON ME, I'M NOT FULLY PRESENT FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
I DON'T HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION. I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR CONCERNS.
SO I ACT LIKE I'M ENGAGED, BUT I'M NOT. I'M TOO FOCUSED ON ME.
MY APPS. MY PHOTOS. MY MUSIC. MY CONCERNS. EVERYTHING IS ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HEAVEN.
I'M TELLING THIS TO THE WRONG GUY.
I WILL ENTOMB MYSELF BEHIND A WALL OF SMARTPHONES!

HEY, TIM. WHAT'S NEW?
FRED'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JESSICA. STELLA IS USING DRUGS AGAIN. BILL'S KID GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL. ED STOLE MONEY FROM THE SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. GEORGE CAUGHT A DISEASE IN THAILAND.
TOWN BARBER.

HAVE YOU EVER READ ANY BOOKS BY THIS TRAVEL WRITER, BILL BRYSON? HIS HUMOR IS AMAZING. HOW DOES SOMEONE WRITE HUMOR THAT WELL..
WELL, YOU...
HUSH, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.
THE NERVE.

I'M FIGHTING WITH MY NEIGHBOR BOB.
YOU SEEM TO HAVE FEUDS WITH EVERYONE... WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH EVERYONE.
NO.
I'M PERFECT, BUT NOBODY ELSE IS.

THIS MAN'S LEAVING HIS WIFE FOR ACTING TOO MUCH LIKE AN ADULT.
THAT'S NOT THE MEANING OF ADULTERY.

HI, GOAT. IT'S ME, PIG. I'M AT YOUR HOUSE. SOME GUY NAMED YVES IS HERE TO DESTROY YOUR GARAGE.
OH, YEAH. HE'S FROM DESTRUCTION INC. THEY'RE GONNA DEMOLISH MY GARAGE SO I CAN BUILD A NEW ONE.
GEE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DOING SOMETHING BAD, SO RAT AND I HAVE BEEN STANDING ON TOP OF HIM TO PREVENT IT.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YOU AND RAT AREN'T REALLY STANDING ON AN EMPLOYEE OF DESTRUCTION INC., ARE YOU?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE WE'RE ON THE YVES OF DESTRUCTION?
I'D PREFER DESTRUCTION.

HEY, DAD, MOM WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA HUNT ZEBRAS TODAY.
No. Nature say timing not right.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Me so drunk me can't walk.
I'LL TELL HER THAT NATURE THING.
Hey, who move chair?

HEY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO GET TO THAT BAR
PUB IN PETALUMA?
I COULD USE A BEER.
OF COURSE I
KNOW HOW. I
GO THERE
EVERY DAY.
SO HOW DO
I GET
THERE?
JUST GO DOWN
THAT HIGHWAY.
THE BIG
TWO-LANE ONE.
WHICH
TWO-
LANE
ONE?
THE ONE WITH
THE CURVE THAT
GOES AROUND
THOSE THINGS.
WHAT
THINGS?
THE BIG,
TALL, BROWN
POST THINGS.
WHERE
IS
THAT?!
NEAR THE END IF
YOU GO REALLY FAR
AROUND THE BLUE
PLACE AND SEE THOSE
BIG LIGHTS.
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
AAAAAAUGH
YOU COULD USE A BEER.

HEY, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HAVING A PARTY FOR ALL MY SHEEP FRIENDS, BUT I'M NOT SURE I HAVE ENOUGH PLACE SETTINGS.
JUST COUNT THE NUMBER OF SHEEP.
I KNOW. I KEEP TRYING, BUT...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ


WE'RE CENSUS-PROOF, TOO.

WELL, GOAT, JUST LIKE "TIME" MAGAZINE, WE HERE AT "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" ARE GOING TO START GIVING OUT A "PERSON OF THE YEAR" AWARD.
TERRIFIC. THERE'VE BEEN A NUMBER OF PROMINENT PEOPLE THIS YEAR. PHYSICISTS, NEUROSURGEONS, PHILANTHROPISTS... WHO'S THE RECIPIENT OF THE FIRST AWARD?
CARTOONIST STEPHAN PASTIS!
PEOPLE MAY QUESTION THIS.
IN YOUR FACE, PHILANTHROPISTS!

DO YOU THINK THAT FOOD THAT CONTAINS GENETICALLY MODIFIED INGREDIENTS SHOULD BE LABELED AS SUCH?
YES.
SO HOW DID YOU VOTE ON THE BALLOT INITIATIVE REQUIRING IT?
I VOTED AGAINST IT.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M DUMB.
I'M FAR TOO STUPID FOR DEMOCRACY.

SAVE ME, PIG. I'M A CHICKEN BREAST, AND IF THE FAST FOOD CHAINS GET AHOLD OF ME, THEY'LL CHOP ME INTO LITTLE NUGGETS.
AND YOU DON'T LIKE THAT?
NO... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A NUGGET IS.
THEN I'LL TRY TO GET THE FAST FOOD CHAINS TO STOP. DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP YOU INFORMED OF MY EFFORTS?
YES, I'D APPRECIATE YOUR KEEPING ME ABREAST OF KEEPING ME A BREAST.
THIS STRIP SHOULD DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH.

HEY, RAT, I’D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS INVITATION TO MY WEDDING. IT’S GOING TO BE A VERY ROMANTIC, FORMAL AFFAIR.
THANKS, NEIGHBOR BOB.
SO AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THIS REQUIRES ME TO RENT A TUX AND SPEND AT LEAST $150 FOR A GIFT, ALL FOR A LUKEWARM PIECE OF CHICKEN AND A SATURDAY WITH YOUR RELATIVES.
SO LET’S PRETEND THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN.
HE’S NOT SUPER ROMANTIC.

PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, PROFESSOR BOB. HE HAS TENURE, SO HE HAS A LOT OF ACADEMIC FREEDOM.
WHICH MEANS WHAT.
THAT IT'S 'NO PANTS MONDAY'.
I FEAR TUESDAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, PAL?
GETTING IN LINE.
NOT IN FRONT OF ME, YOU'RE NOT.
NOT IN FRONT OF ME.
YOU'RE IN LINE FOR THAT CLERK. I'M IN LINE FOR THIS ONE.
WRONG. THERE'S ONE LINE FOR BOTH CLERKS.
YEAH, WELL, I MADE IT TWO LINES.
WE SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THE LINE SITUATION.
NAH... MORE FUN THIS WAY.

HEY, RAT, YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR SHOT OF TEQUILA?
YEAH. GIMME A CHASER.
OKAY, START RUNNING.
SLOW DAY IN THE HUMOR FACTORY?

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WE'VE ALL BECOME A BIT TOO SAFETY-CONSCIOUS, SUCH THAT THE SLIGHTEST RISK TAKEN NOW SEEMS LIKE A MAMMOTH EVENT?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
I JUST BACKED SLOWLY DOWN OUR DRIVEWAY WITHOUT MY MIRRORS PROPERLY ADJUSTED!!
NEED MORE PROOF?
OHH, WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?

OH, HOW INHUMANE. THOSE PEOPLE ARE LOCKING AWAY ELVES.
YOU DUMB PIG. IT'S A SELF-STORAGE PLACE. THE SIGN'S JUST MISSING AN "S."
OH. I'M SORRY.