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HEY, CLOWN, DO SOMETHING.
YEAH. YOU'RE BORING.
YEAH, CLOWN, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
You is all unlovable turds.
COULD I HAVE A MINUTE WITH YOU, MR. CLOWN?
Hang on. Me gonna punch little turd.

TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN LIFE?
I GUESS THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY HARD WORK, DRIVE AND INITIATIVE.
AND TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR FAILURES?
MY GENES.
DON'T YOU SEE A BIT OF A DISCONNECT THERE?
KARACCKKK
I COME FROM VIOLENT STOCK.

YOU EVER WONDER WHAT CHARACTER TRAIT YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT AT YOUR FUNERAL SOMETHING YOU'RE REALLY PROUD OF SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO BE KNOWN FOR
PARALLEL PARKING.
SOME WOULD CHOOSE KINDNESS.
GUESS THEY CAN'T PARALLEL PARK.

RAT STARTED A PODCAST IN OUR GARAGE. HE WANTS TO BE LIKE MARC MARON AND DO INTERVIEWS.
WHO'S HE GONNA INTERVIEW?
WELL, SINCE EVERYONE ALWAYS INTERVIEWS FAMOUS PEOPLE, HE THOUGHT HE'D BE DIFFERENT AND INTERVIEW NOBODIES.
LIKE WHO?
SO TELL US YOUR NAME.
YOU KNOW MY NAME.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S SITTING IN HIS ROOM CRYING.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT COVER BROKE OFF THE T.V. REMOTE AND NOW WHEN HE PICKS UP THE REMOTE, THE BATTERIES FALL OUT.
HIS DAY IS EASILY DERAILED.

HEY, BUDDY, DO YOU HAVE A CHARGER I COULD USE? MY E-BOOK BATTERY IS DEAD AND I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO READ.
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T READ BOOKS THAT NEED BATTERIES.
TECHNOPHOBE!
BOOKSTORE KILLER!
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A BOOK LOVER SCORNED.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BURGER PLACE WITH ME?
I CAN’T. THEY GIVE OUT TOO MANY FRENCH FRIES WITH THEIR BURGERS AND I’LL GET FAT.
JUST DON’T EAT THEM ALL.
WHEN ONE HAS FRENCH FRIES PUT IN FRONT OF HIM, ONE CANNOT STOP EATING UNTIL EVERY SINGLE FRENCH FRY HAS BEEN CONSUMED.
NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.
NOT A NEWTONIAN LAW.
A MOUTH IN MOTION TENDS TO STAY IN MOTION.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN PEOPLE SAY SOMETHING IS 'META'?
IT'S WHEN A CREATIVE WORK REFERS TO ITSELF.
WHAT FOR?
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT WITH A METAPHOR. DO YOU KNOW HOW A METAPHOR WORKS?
NO. WHAT'S A META METAPHOR FOR?
WELL, SAY YOU MET A FOUR—
STOP!

JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER FINALLY LISTENED TO ME AND GOT A JOB. WHEN HE GOES TO WORK TODAY, I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM RESPECT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
SURE. MOM. WHAT KIND OF JOB DID HE GET?
YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE A CLOWN AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES. AND HE'S VERY EXCITED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, DAD. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
CUTE LITTLE ANIMAL BALLOONS. SHOW HIM ONE, LARRY.
PHOOO PHOOO
FAT LADY'S REAR END.
ATTITUDE, LARRY!
NO REAR ENDS, DAD.
Okay...Eyes up mudder's beeg mouf.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE OTHERS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES?
THAT THEY SHOULD JUST BE THEMSELVES.
SO IF SOME GUY IS A NARCISSISTIC, SOCIOPATHIC, RUDE PSYCHO, HE SHOULD JUST STAY THAT WAY?
LET'S START OVER.
WATCH ME BE MYSELF.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
ONE FRIDAY A MONTH, WE CYCLISTS GET TOGETHER FOR A MASSIVE RIDE WHERE WE TAKE OVER THE STREETS AND STOP TRAFFIC. IT PROMOTES CYCLING, THE ENVIRONMENT, PEACE AND LOVE.
SO THAT'S WHY I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC FOR THREE HOURS?
YEAH. SO?
SO I BLOW-TORCHED YOUR BIKE FRAME INTO THE SHAPE OF A HEART.
I'LL BREAK YOUR GRASPING FACE.
BUT JEFF, IT'S A HEART!

I GOT A NEW JOB.
DOING WHAT?
WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' WITH THE BRIGHT SUN AND LISTEN, GIRL. I AIN'T MISSED YOU NONE.
"AIN'T" IS NOT CORRECT ENGLISH, AND YOU'VE USED A DOUBLE NEGATIVE, SO LET'S TRY, "I HAVEN'T MISSED YOU AN INORDINATE AMOUNT."
YOU CORRECT THE BLUES?
YES.
WHAT RHYMES WITH "INORDINATE?"

WHERE WERE YOU?
FIRST DATE. I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION, SO I GOT ALL DRESSED UP AND TOOK HER TO A NICE BREAKFAST PLACE.
WHAT'D YOU ORDER?
SHE HAD COFFEE, AND I HAD A POPPY SEED BAGEL.
SMILE.
WHY DO I SENSE DOOM?
POPPY SEED BAGELS: THE DEATH KNELL OF GOOD FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT A GENEROUS GESTURE. WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO IT?
BECAUSE MY GIGANTIC BRAIN SHOULD LIVE FOREVER.
THEY DON'T TAKE THE BRAIN.
WHOA. SO MUCH FOR HELPING STUPID PEOPLE.

NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE HAVE GOTTEN A GOOSE. THEY SAY ITS HELPED WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
HOW SO?
WHEN BOB IS NICE TO THE GOOSE, HIS WIFE FEELS CLOSER TO HIM. AND AS A RESULT, SHE'S MORE OPEN AND FRANK WITH HIM.
SO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE CANDOR.
YOU'RE DESTROYING OUR MORALE.

WHERE'S YOUR PHONE TODAY GOAT?
I LEFT IT AT HOME. I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SO GLUED TO IT ANYMORE.
HOW COME?
I REALIZED THAT WHEN I HAVE IT ON ME, I'M NOT FULLY PRESENT FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
I DON'T HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION. I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR CONCERNS.
SO I ACT LIKE I'M ENGAGED, BUT I'M NOT. I'M TOO FOCUSED ON ME.
MY APPS. MY PHOTOS. MY MUSIC. MY CONCERNS. EVERYTHING IS ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HEAVEN.
I'M TELLING THIS TO THE WRONG GUY.
I WILL ENTOMB MYSELF BEHIND A WALL OF SMARTPHONES!

HEY, TIM. WHAT'S NEW?
FRED'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JESSICA. STELLA IS USING DRUGS AGAIN. BILL'S KID GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL. ED STOLE MONEY FROM THE SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. GEORGE CAUGHT A DISEASE IN THAILAND.
TOWN BARBER.

HAVE YOU EVER READ ANY BOOKS BY THIS TRAVEL WRITER, BILL BRYSON? HIS HUMOR IS AMAZING. HOW DOES SOMEONE WRITE HUMOR THAT WELL..
WELL, YOU...
HUSH, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.
THE NERVE.

I'M FIGHTING WITH MY NEIGHBOR BOB.
YOU SEEM TO HAVE FEUDS WITH EVERYONE... WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH EVERYONE.
NO.
I'M PERFECT, BUT NOBODY ELSE IS.

THIS MAN'S LEAVING HIS WIFE FOR ACTING TOO MUCH LIKE AN ADULT.
THAT'S NOT THE MEANING OF ADULTERY.

HI, GOAT. IT'S ME, PIG. I'M AT YOUR HOUSE. SOME GUY NAMED YVES IS HERE TO DESTROY YOUR GARAGE.
OH, YEAH. HE'S FROM DESTRUCTION INC. THEY'RE GONNA DEMOLISH MY GARAGE SO I CAN BUILD A NEW ONE.
GEE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DOING SOMETHING BAD, SO RAT AND I HAVE BEEN STANDING ON TOP OF HIM TO PREVENT IT.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. YOU AND RAT AREN'T REALLY STANDING ON AN EMPLOYEE OF DESTRUCTION INC., ARE YOU?
YOU DON'T BELIEVE WE'RE ON THE YVES OF DESTRUCTION?
I'D PREFER DESTRUCTION.

HEY, DAD, MOM WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA HUNT ZEBRAS TODAY.
No. Nature say timing not right.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Me so drunk me can't walk.
I'LL TELL HER THAT NATURE THING.
Hey, who move chair?

HEY, PIG. DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO GET TO THAT BAR
PUB IN PETALUMA?
I COULD USE A BEER.
OF COURSE I
KNOW HOW. I
GO THERE
EVERY DAY.
SO HOW DO
I GET
THERE?
JUST GO DOWN
THAT HIGHWAY.
THE BIG
TWO-LANE ONE.
WHICH
TWO-
LANE
ONE?
THE ONE WITH
THE CURVE THAT
GOES AROUND
THOSE THINGS.
WHAT
THINGS?
THE BIG,
TALL, BROWN
POST THINGS.
WHERE
IS
THAT?!
NEAR THE END IF
YOU GO REALLY FAR
AROUND THE BLUE
PLACE AND SEE THOSE
BIG LIGHTS.
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
AAAAAAUGH
YOU COULD USE A BEER.

HEY, PIG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HAVING A PARTY FOR ALL MY SHEEP FRIENDS, BUT I'M NOT SURE I HAVE ENOUGH PLACE SETTINGS.
JUST COUNT THE NUMBER OF SHEEP.
I KNOW. I KEEP TRYING, BUT...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZ


WE'RE CENSUS-PROOF, TOO.

WELL, GOAT, JUST LIKE "TIME" MAGAZINE, WE HERE AT "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" ARE GOING TO START GIVING OUT A "PERSON OF THE YEAR" AWARD.
TERRIFIC. THERE'VE BEEN A NUMBER OF PROMINENT PEOPLE THIS YEAR. PHYSICISTS, NEUROSURGEONS, PHILANTHROPISTS... WHO'S THE RECIPIENT OF THE FIRST AWARD?
CARTOONIST STEPHAN PASTIS!
PEOPLE MAY QUESTION THIS.
IN YOUR FACE, PHILANTHROPISTS!