Pearls Before Swine | Search

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY SHARED ITEMS ON THE INTERNET ARE LISTS? TOP FIVE THIS. TOP TEN THAT. IT'S SUCH A CHEAP WAY OF GETTING ATTENTION.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH. AND DID YOU KNOW THAT THE THREE GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME ARE THE ROLLING STONES' "STICKY FINGERS," U2'S "JOSHUA TREE" AND DYLAN'S "BLOOD ON THE TRACKS"?
YOU CHEAP LITTLE HUCKSTER.
LET THE DEBATING BEGIN!

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE A POLL-TAKER, RAT. I THINK YOU ASK QUESTIONS IN A BIASED WAY.
FINE. I'LL ASK MY QUESTION IN A TOTALLY NEUTRAL WAY.
DO YOU THREE APPROVE OF THE DIRECTION OF THE ECONOMY?
THEY DO NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB AS A POLL-TAKER.
DO YOU DO IT FAIRLY?
SURE. I JUST ASK THE QUESTION AND WRITE DOWN THE ANSWER. WATCH.
SIR, ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF THE CURRENT MAYOR OR DO YOU AGREE WITH ALL THE SMART PEOPLE WHO SAY HE'S A BIGTIME POOPHEAD?
THIS MAYOR'S IN TROUBLE.

HI, LIFEGUARD SUPERVISOR JEREMY. HOW GOES YOUR JOB MANAGING LIFEGUARDS?
NOT GOOD. I HAVE JUST UNDER 100 PROBLEMATIC SWIMMING SITES TO MONITOR AND NOT ENOUGH LIFEGUARDS. I HAVE RIVERS, LAKES, POOLS, YOU NAME IT.
BEACHES ?
NO. I GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A BEACH AIN'T ONE.
I'M WATCHING YOU, PASTIS.
I KNOW.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
DRIVING MY CHEVROLET TRUCK ALL OVER TOWN.
HOW COME?
THESE HEAVY RAINS ARE CAUSING FLOODING EVERYWHERE, SO I'M CHECKING ON THE HOMES OF PALS WHO ARE OUT OF TOWN.
WHICH PALS?
GOAT, NEIGHBOR BOB, STEVE LEVY AND HIS FAMILY.
WHO'S STEVE LEVY'S FAMILY?
MY FAVORITE ANCHOR ON 'SPORTSCENTER'. WE'RE FRIENDS.
HOW WERE THE HOUSES?
GOAT HAD SOME FLOODING, AND NEIGHBOR BOB'S LIVING ROOM CARPET WAS WET.
HOW 'BOUT THE LEVY'S HOUSE?
I DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVYS, BUT THE LEVYS WAS DRY.
BYE BYE MR. CARTOONING GUY.

OKAY, PEOPLE. I HAVE TAKEN OVER THE PLANNING MEETING FOR GOATS UPCOMING WORLD PEACE RALLY.
YOU'RE STAGING A COUP AT A WORLD PEACE RALLY?
YES.
BUT WE WON'T FIGHT BACK. WE'LL JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR AND SING PEACE SONGS.
CANCEL THOSE TANKS.

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE PLANNING MEETING FOR MY UPCOMING WORLD PEACE RALLY... THE FIRST QUESTION IS WHETHER TO HAVE BALLOONS... I SAY WE SHOULD.
I SAY WE SHOULDN'T
CRACK
THIS IS STARTING OUT POORLY.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, RAT?
GOT THE iPHONE 6 PLUS.
OH, GOOD. HOW'S IT WORKING OUT?
HANG ON. I GOT A CALL.
HELLO?
I THINK I NEED BIGGER POCKETS.

HEY, PIG... I'M TAKING A POLL. DO YOU BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM OR EVOLUTION?
NEITHER.
NEITHER?
WHY NEITHER?
BECAUSE IN THE TIME I'VE BEEN ALIVE, I'VE BECOME CERTAIN OF ONLY ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT I LIKE DONUTS.
ONE VOTE FOR DONUTS.
WHO DOESN'T VOTE FOR DONUTS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Me hunting prey.
YOU'RE SITTING IN A LAWN CHAIR DRINKING BEER.
Me in planning phase.
No one respekk planning phase.

THESE TWO RICH DOCTORS BUILT A COUPLE OF PIERS TO BRING MORE TOURISTS TO THE BEACH, BUT FOR REASONS THEY CAN'T EXPLAIN, IT'S ACTUALLY DRIVING TOURISTS AWAY.
HEY, GUYS, WHATCHA TALKING ABOUT?
A PAIR OF DOCS' PAIR OF DOCKS PARADOX.
MY MONDAY IS RUINED.

CONFERENCE OF THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS
OKAY, EVERYONE, TIME FOR NEW BUSINESS... A CHANCE FOR EACH OF YOU TO SAY WHATEVER YOU'D LIKE.
YES, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
YES, I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BRIEF TALK TITLED ‘WHY I'M BETTER THAN YOU’.
WHAT THE-? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH.
YOUR SPEECH? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH, YOU GLAARGHAGRARGH WHEAT KILLER.
DID EVEN ONE OF YOU DRIVE HERE IN AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE??
NEVER GIVE A FORUM TO THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
HAVE A CARBON FOOTPRINT IN THE FACE, @#$%*.

I'M STARTING TO THINK I DON'T EVER WANT TO DIE.
WHY IS THAT?
IT'S OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE.
NEVER LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW PEOPLE HAVE A LIMIT-LESS CAPACITY TO LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND HOW OTHERS SEE THEM?
I THINK EVERY-ONE REALIZES THAT.
I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE ARE THAT SELF-AWARE.
HANG ON. I'LL POLL MY SUBJECTS.
SILENCE, COMMONERS!
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WILLY... WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE PARK?
MY DAD TOOK ME. WE'VE BEEN HERE A FEW HOURS.
WELL, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM. WHAT HAVE YOU TWO BEEN PLAYING?
WATCH DAD STARE AT HIS iPHONE.
BE DONE IN TWO MINUTES, SON.
HOPE IT VISITS HIM WHEN HE'S OLDER.

I'VE STARTED A BEER DELIVERY SERVICE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO USE THE ROADS.
HOW DO YOU DELIVER IT?
I USE BIRDS. BUT PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO LIKE IT.
WHY NOT?
VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY, BOB.
OH, GOD.

WELL, GUYS, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT... IT'S 'NON-CYNICAL DAY' IN 'PEARLS'.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
EAT! PRAY! LOVE!
MAYBE WE SHOULD TONE IT DOWN.
NOT BEFORE I POST THAT ON FACEBOOK.
I LOVE YOU, KINDER, GENTLER RAT!

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, THOMAS.
WOW, YOU'RE TALL. HOW--
-- TALL AM I? SIX FOOT SIX.
AND NO, I DID NOT PLAY
BASKETBALL. SO IF YOU'RE DONE
ASKING ME THE TWO QUESTIONS
I GET TO HEAR TWENTY TIMES
A DAY, I'M NOW GONNA KNEE
YOU IN THE HEAD.
TALL PEOPLE HAVE SHORT
TEMPERS.

PIG!... HEY, MAN... GOOD TO SEE YOU... YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND... AND I GLOVE YOU, MAAAANN...
HUG ME, BRO... SERIOUSLY.
WE ARE BROTHERS, MAAAN... AND DON'T YOU EVER EVER FORGET THAT... I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, because...
I love youuuuuu...
ZZZZZZZZ
RAT IS THE ONLY GUY I KNOW WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SOBER.

RAT, THIS IS OLD MAN JOHNSON.
HE GREW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
YEP. HAD NO CROPS.
NO FOOD. NO JOB.
NO MONEY.
THEN GOT SHIPPED OFF TO THE BIGGEST WAR OF THE CENTURY.
SOMETIMES I’M INCONVENIENCED WHEN MY iPHONE’S OPERATING SYSTEM GETS UPDATED.
I GUESS WE ALL SUFFER.

CAREFUL, PIG, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE.
IT'S OKAY. EVEN IF I STEP INTO THE THIN AIR, I WON'T FALL UNLESS I LOOK DOWN AT MY FEET AND SEE I'M NOT STANDING ON ANYTHING... HERE, WATCH.
WHILE E. COYOTE CARTOONS ARE NOT SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE.

LOOK AT THAT CUTE WOMAN LISTENING TO MUSIC. YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT MUSIC. BUT SHE IS CUTE.
PARDON THE INTERRUPTION, BUT WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
'SORRY' SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD.
'SORRY', HUH? I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS 'OTOLARYNGOLOGY'.
THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

AND THEN THE
GUY GOES, HEY,
BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH -
HEY, RAT... MIND
KEEPING IT DOWN?
I CAN'T HEAR
MYSELF THINK.
THINK LOUDER.
HE CAN SOLVE ANYTHING.

HEY NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. HAD MOOSE FOR DINNER AGAIN LAST NIGHT. I SHOT IT MYSELF AND LIKE TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THE ANIMAL BY NOT WASTING ANY OF IT.
ANOTHER WAY TO SHOW RESPECT IS BY NOT KILLING US.
MOOSE CAN BE SO JUDGMENTAL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GREAT. MY WIFE'S OFF DOING A TRAVELING SHOW WITH A MAGICIAN. THEY ENTERTAIN KIDS WITH MAGIC AND SONGS.
WHAT KIND OF SONGS?
OH, YOU KNOW, "YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN. YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT." BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. I THINK HER AND THE MAGICIAN ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
SOUNDS LIKE HOCUS POCUS HOKEY POKEY HANKY PANKY.
YOU'RE WHY I STOPPED READING THE PAPER.