Pearls Before Swine | Search

To all banks, insurance companies, computer makers, cable providers, and other big giganto corporations.
Thank you for your beautiful commercials filled with beautiful people telling me beautiful things about your beautiful company.
I can see from all these ads that you really want me to like you… And I WANT to like you.
So here's a suggestion.
Sometimes I have to call you. And when I do, instead of spending all those billions on ads…
HAVE A LIVE, NON-ROBOTIC HUMAN IN THIS COUNTRY PROMPTLY PICK UP THE %&*@^ PHONE!!!!!
I THINK I BLEW OUT MY NERVOUS SYSTEM.
TOO BAD… THE TIME FOR OUR HEALTH INSURER IS TWELVE HOURS.

WHERE WAS PIG TODAY? I DIDN'T SEE HIM AT THE DINER.
I GAVE HIM ONE OF THOSE CHINESE FINGER TRAPS.
ONE OF THOSE SMALL WOVEN CYLINDERS THAT FREE YOU EASILY IF YOU JUST RELAX YOUR FINGERS AND DON'T PANIC?
I CHOSE PANIC.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE SAID HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND PIGITA HAD GOTTEN BORING, SO I TOLD HIM TO SPICE IT UP WITH SOME ROLE PLAYING.
ROLE PLAYING? DOES HE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU?
NO.

OH, KEN, WHAT A GREAT FIRST DATE.
I AGREE, STACI... IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE HOW THE NIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER.
YOU'RE CRUSHING THE BASKET, KEN.
I CAN THINK OF A WAY.
HE'S BITING MY LEG.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG.
I INVENTED A TIME MACHINE.
BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT TRYING IT.
WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IT TRAVELS BACK.
IT COULD TRAVEL FORWARD.
SO? LET'S TRY IT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN IF WE MOVE OUR LIVES FORWARD A BUNCH OF YEARS?

HI, STACI...IT SURE IS NICE TO MEET YOU IN PERSON AFTER SEEING YOUR PROFILE ON THAT DATING SITE...HEY, BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW THERE’S A MAN ON YOUR PORCH?:)
THATS MY EX. HE LIVES THERE.
I DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.

HEY SAM! HEY ELLA! HOW'S YOUR AUTO PARTS BUSINESS DOING?
NOT GOOD. WE DEVELOPED A BRAKE CALLED THE OUT-BRAKE 'CAUSE IT CAN OUT-BRAKE ANY OTHER ON THE MARKET. BUT NO ONE COMES INTO OUR STORE TO BUY IT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE STORE WHERE YOU TWO SELL I T?
THE SAM AND ELLA OUT-BRAKE STORE.
OUR CAFÉ'S DOING PARTICULARLY BAD.

LOOK, PIG. IT'S A MESSAGE
IN A BOTTLE.
Trapped on
island. Situation
dire. HELP.

That was from my husband.
He is on vacation with me and
my parents. I hardly think
that qualifies as dire.

YOU'VE NEVER MET
HER PARENTS.
THIS IS
GETTING
UGLY.
LOOK, SHE
HAS A
RETORT.

I'M THINKING OF STARTING A BUSINESS.
OH, GOOD. WELL, ONE OF YOUR FIRST STEPS SHOULD BE DRAFTING A MISSION STATEMENT YOU KNOW, OUTLINING YOUR VISION AND YOUR IDEAS..
WRITE WRITE WRITE
Make ** loads of money.
NOT REALLY A MISSION STATEMENT.
OH. THEN HOW 'BOUT, "I IMPOSE MY WILL." ?

UH-OH. WE HAVE A BIG FLY IN HERE. I DON'T WANT IT LANDING ON THE DINNER I'M SERVING.

JUST SWAT IT.

OH, GOSH, NO. I CAN'T KILL A LIVING THING. IT HAS AS MUCH OF A RIGHT TO BE HERE AS WE DO.

FINE. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

LAMB.

I'M HOPING IT DIED OF OLD AGE.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT DOING A COMIC STRIP?
LACK OF SPACE. ESPECIALLY FOR DIALOGUE.
HEY, GUYS, DID YOU HEAR ZEBRA INHALED SOME VERY FINE PARTICLES FROM A VOLCANO? HE NOW HAS PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.
MUST YOU USE THE LONGEST WORD IN THE DICTIONARY?
OA. NO. NOT PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS!
YEAH... PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICONOODINOSIS!

THIS ARTICLE IS SO DEPRESSING. IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW BIG OF A PROBLEM TIGER POACHING HAS BECOME.
I'M SORRY, PIG, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIGER POACHING IS?
WHEN TIGERS TAKE THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO THEM.
NO.
WHEN TIGERS COOK EGGS?

DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNMENT WASTES MONEY?
I THINK THE GOVERNMENT DOES MANY GOOD THINGS.
GUYS! GUYS! I JUST GOT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT'S 2014 GUIDE TO ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS!
LIKE SAVING US FROM MARSHMALLOWS?
HEY, DID YOU KNOW FIRE CAN HURT YOU?

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR PILLOW?
I'M TAKING CARE OF HIM. HE'S NOT HAPPY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I'M DOWN.
FIND MORE PRODUCTIVE WORK.

HEY, SAMMY THE SHOP OWNER. WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I’M MAD AT OUR GOVERNMENT, SO I’M GONNA GO OUT AND PROTEST.
I’LL JOIN YOU. HOW ARE WE GONNA PROTEST?
WE’RE GONNA HOLD SIGNS AND MARCH.
GOOD! THEN WHAT?
THEN WE’RE GONNA BLOCK THE STREETS AND LET THE GOVERNMENT KNOW IT’S NO LONGER BUSINESS AS USUAL!
YES! THEN WHAT?
THEN TO REALLY GET OUR POINT ACROSS WE’RE GONNA BREAK WINDOWS! LOTS OF WINDOWS!
GRRRRR KSSH TOSS
THAT’LL SHOW THE GOVERNMENT.

I READ YOUR HUMOROUS BLOG ENTRY YESTERDAY. IT REALLY HAD ME R.O.T.F.
ROLLING ON THE FLOOR?
RUNNING OUTSIDE TO FLEE.
MY, IT GOT DARK.

CAN I HELP YOU, MR. DEATH?
YEAH, PIG. YOUR KUMQUAT TREE IS DROPPING KUMQUATS ON MY LAWN. YOU NEED TO GO OVER THERE AND PICK THEM UP.
I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
I LOVE DEFYING DEATH.

babababaldgharaghtakammin-
arronkonnbronntonne-
ronntuonnthunntrovarr
hounawnskawntoohoordo-
nethurnuk!
WHOA, WHAT IS ALL THAT?
IS YOUR KEYBOARD
BROKEN?
THAT'S A QUOTE FROM
THE JAMES JOYCE
CLASSIC, "FINNEGAN'S
WAKE."
OH. IT'S A FINE LINE
BETWEEN CLASSIC
LITERATURE AND
A BROKEN
KEYBOARD.

I HAVE A BUSINESS IDEA AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SQUELCH IT WITH ALL YOUR MORALIZING SNOOTINESS.
WHAT IS IT?
I'D LIKE TO BUILD TEMPORARY BARS IN PARKING LOTS AND USE THEM TO SELL CHEAP BOOZE.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD. BUT WHERE ARE YOU GONNA FIND THE FREE SPACE?
DISABLED PARKING SPOTS.
WHY DO WE GET SO MANY LETTERS, STEPH?
ASK HIM!!
OH, SURE, BLAME THE ENTREPRENEUR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
MY NEW DOG.
WHY'D YOU GET A DOG?
BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PLUSES TO A DOG. THEY'RE LOYAL, TRUST- WORTHY, AND WILL STICK WITH YOU TO THE VERY END.
I'D SELL YOUR SOUL FOR A STRIP OF BACON.
THAT'S ONE OF THE MINUSES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?...I'M TRYING TO TALK ON THE PHONE.
I AM JERK CZAR, THE SELF-APPOINTED ANOINTER OF JERKS.
SO WHY ARE YOU BOTHERIN' ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE USING YOUR CELL PHONE IN A RESTAURANT AND NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR PHONE CALLS.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT, SO--
I ANOINT RATHER HARD.

THINGS ARE GOING PRETTY WELL FOR YOU THESE DAYS, STEPH.
QUICK... KNOCK THREE TIMES ON WOOD.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF YOU SAY HOW WELL THINGS ARE GOING AND YOU DON'T KNOCK ON WOOD, YOU'RE INVITING BAD LUCK!
YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU, STEPH?
YOU BET YOUR @#% I DO! NOW HURRY UP AND FIND WOOD TO KNOCK ON BEFORE--
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
GOING TO MAKE MY FIRST HORROR FILM.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A GUY WHO TRIES TO RELAX AT HOME, BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE THIS OTHER GUY COMES OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND WON'T LEAVE.
I THINK THIS IS WHY I DON'T VISIT MORE OFTEN.
NO, STAY... YOU'VE INSPIRED ART.

WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE ANYTHING? THE OUTCOME OF A WAR? THE EXISTENCE OF AN EMPIRE? THE DEMISE OF A CIVILIZATION?
I GUESS I'D ALWAYS GO BACK FIVE MINUTES.
WHY FIVE MINUTES?
SO I COULD EAT THE SAME NACHOS FOREVER.
MAYBE YOU COULD THINK BIGGER.
OH, I'LL GET BIGGER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST THING YOU GAIN AS YOU GET OLDER?
IS IT PATIENCE? PERSPECTIVE? WISDOM?
NEW LITTLE HAIRS THAT GROW OUT OF MY EAR.
I WAS HOPING FOR MORE.