Pearls Before Swine | Search

The council of aliens met at alien headquarters.
We are an advanced race but that poor race of humans is not. They are sad, silly, and stupid.
So the council of aliens passed a resolution.
We will save the human race from itself.
And so, using all of their advanced technology, the aliens constructed their gift to humanity.
And fired it in a rocket to earth.
And thus, I was born.
AND THAT'S CHAPTER ONE OF MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
BURN CHAPTER TWO.
DON'T MOCK OUR GIFT!!

I'M LOVING THIS BOOK ON THE BRITISH MONARCHY. THIS CHAPTER'S ON THE KINGS AND QUEENS THAT WERE TUDORS.
THEY SOUND NICE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
THEY HELP YOU WITH ALGEBRA.
TUDORS, NOT TUTORS.
STOP. BEFORE HIS BRAIN EXPLODES.
OHHH, TOOTERS. LIKE HORN BLOWERS.
TOOOT!!

HEY, STACI. I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR TOUGH TIMES, BUT WHEN YOU FIRST MET ME, DID YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'D WON THE LOTTERY?
I FELT LIKE I WAS ON "LET'S MAKE A DEAL" AND WHEN THEY OPENED THE CURTAIN, I GOT A COW.
NO ONE WILL GET THAT REFERENCE!
Moooooooo...

I THINK I WANT TO BE LIKE YOU. I'LL GUARD DUCK AND PROTECT US AGAINST THE BAD GUYS.
WELL, YOU'D HAVE TO TAKE AN OATH THAT'S A LOT LIKE THE DOCTOR'S OATH.
OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?
'FIRST, DO HARM.'
MAYBE I'LL JUST BE A DOCTOR.
THIS HAS MORE INSTANT GRATIFICATION

YOU LEARNED
HOW TO SCAN
PHOTOS INTO
THE STRIP.
AND
THEY'RE
ALL
OF MY
FACE!
IF WE
HAD
WALLPAPER,
IT WOULD
LOOK LIKE
PANEL TWO.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORAL CODE THAT YOU USE TO GUIDE YOUR LIFE?
JUST THE GOLDEN RULE.
I'M SURPRISED YOU KNOW IT.
OF COURSE I KNOW IT.
'DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY GET WIND OF IT AND DO IT UNTO YOU.'
THAT WASN'T QUITE IT.
I HAD TO BE CLOSE.

GUYS, MY HEART'S IN THE GAME, BUT MY KNEES, MY ANKLES, THEY JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SO I'M RETIRING FROM CARTOONING.
MAMBA OUT.
YOU'RE NOT KOBE BRYANT.
I'M NOT EVEN RETIRING.
MAMBA BREAK MICROPHONE.

HI, GOAT. THIS IS CHARLES. HE JUST MOVED INTO OUR NEIGHBORHOOD
NICE TO MEET YOU. WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO MOVE HERE?
JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE WHERE I LIVED. THEY WEREN'T NICE TO ME.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY SAD. BUT NOW I'M ON SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, SO I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.
ARE YOU MARRIED?
OH NO, NO, NO... I FEEL VERY SAD FOR A GIRL YEARS AGO BUT SHE DIDN'T CARE FOR ME.
SHE DIDN'T BY CHANCE HAVE RED HAIR DID SHE?
YEAH, WHY?
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
GOOD GRIEF, CHARLIE BROWN.
MIDDLE AGE HAS NOT BEEN KIND.
WANNA WATCH SOME FOOTBALL?

WHAT’S YOUR MOTHER DO FOR A LIVING, PIG?
SHE’S A HOMEMAKER.
THAT’S NICE. SO SHE COOKS, CLEANS, DOES THE LAUNDRY?
I MAKE @#$%&* HOMES.
YOU’RE VERY SEXIST.
LET’S START OVER
I GOT YOUR LAUNDRY RIGHT HERE, PAL.

Thinking of you ...
... Making me a sandwich.
YOUR HOMEMADE CARDS ARE COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE.
Where Larry sandwich?

GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND ED. HE'S AN AIRLINE PILOT.
WOW. I CAN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE ALL THE COMPLICATED THINGS THAT GO INTO FLYING A COMMERCIAL JET.
I JUST PUSH A BIG BUTTON THAT SAYS "ZOOMIE ZOOM!"
I EXPECTED MORE.
WELL, I DO PLAY 'CANDY CRUSH' FOR THE REST OF THE FLIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE TO
WORK AT
THE CAFE
TOMORROW?
NO. I'M TAKING
IT OFF IN
HONOR OF THE
NATIONAL
HOLIDAY.
WHAT
NATIONAL
HOLIDAY?
GEORGE
CARLIN'S
BIRTHDAY.
NOT
YET A
HOLIDAY.
THEN IT
STARTS
TOMORROW.
AND TO
CELEBRATE,
HERE ARE THE
SEVEN WORDS
YOU CAN'T SAY
ON--

I THINK THAT THE CAUSE OF MY DEATH WILL BE A PIANO FALLING ON MY HEAD.
THAT'S INTERESTING. DID YOU KNOW THAT 157,000 PEOPLE FROM AROUND THE WORLD WILL DIE ON THE SAME DAY AS YOU?
WOW.
WOW. THAT'S A BIG NUMBER.
WOW, THAT'S A BIG PIANO.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
HE'S AN ANGRY BIRD ON DRUGS. HE'S ANGRY 'CAUSE SOME BIGGER BIRDS ATE HIS FRIENDS.
WHY IS HE ON DRUGS?
TO GET THE COURAGE TO COUNTERATTACK. HE WANTS MY HELP IN KNOCKING OFF A COUPLE OF 'EM.
SO YOU'RE GONNA KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONED?
THIS IS A PUN INTERVENTION.

POTATO CHIP PARTY
HEY, SOUR CREAM AND ONION! WELCOME!
THANKS, CHEDDAR. WHERE'S BARBECUE?
RIGHT OVER HERE.
SOUR CREAM AND ONION!
BARBECUE!
COME OVER HERE AND PARTY WITH ME AND COOL RANCH!
SOUR CREAM AND ONION!
COOL RANCH!
PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!
DING DONG DING DONG
WELL, THIS IS A DISORGANIZED MESS.
LET'S LET'S LET'S LET'S LET'S LET'S LET'S
LET'S DEPART.
STUPID ANAL RETENTIVE PRINGLES.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'S?
I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE CRITI-CIZING ME FOR BEING
DEPRESSED, SO I FORMED THIS GROUP. I'M NOW A
'DARN OKAY PERSON THAT
IS DEPRESSED.'
DOES IT RUN
IN THE FAMILY?
YEP. MY
DAUGHTER
HAS IT ALSO.
SHE' S ONE
TOO.
I'M
WHAT,
DAD?
YOU'RE
A 'DOPTID.'
SHE TOOK IT WORSE
THAN I THOUGHT.

Dear Mr Congressman,
I know that now you only represent rich people who give you lots of money.
But I don't have any money.
So here's a crushed donut.
WE'LL SEE HOW MUCH PULL THAT GIVES ME.

HEY, LIQUOR STORE LARRY. HOW'S BUSINESS ?
GOOD. MY STORE'S NOW BIG ENOUGH THAT THE DISTRIBUTOR GIVES ME MORE LIQUOR THAN I ORDER AND THE OVERAGE IS FREE.
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE BUSINESS?
YEP. HE DOES IT FOR THE BIG STORES.
THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
NOT REALLY. I HAVE AVERAGE OVERAGE BEVERAGE LEVERAGE.
ARE YOU DRINKING AS YOU WRITE THESE?

LAST YEAR WAS THE 100TH ANNIVERSARY OF EINSTEIN'S GENERAL THEORY OF RELATIVITY.
OH, YEAH. RAT EXPLAINED THAT THEORY TO ME.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
THAT THEY'RE ANNOYING AND JUDGMENTAL AND RUIN THE HOLIDAYS.
THAT'S MY THEORY OF RELATIVES.
SAME THING?
NO.

HI, GUARD DUCK... WHERE YOU OFF TO SO LATE WITH YOUR 'LIL SCOUT TROOP?
THE FOREST.
OHH... ARE YOU GONNA DO A LITTLE CAMPING? MAYBE HAVE A CAMPFIRE?
BURY A BODY.
HOPE THEY DON'T GET A MERIT BADGE FOR THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
CRUSHING THIS MAN BETWEEN TWO AIRLINE SEATS AS A MEANS OF PROTESTING THE CRAMPED SEATING ON AMERIDICTIAN AIRLINES.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTACT THE C.E.O?
THIS /IS/ THE C.E.O.
I'M MORE DELIGHTED THAN I SHOULD BE.
IF HE WANTS OUT, CHARGE HIM A $50 COMFORT FEE.

CONGRESS FOR DUMMIES
Congressman parties with big donors.
CRISIS
CONGRESSMAN GOES ON T.V.
OUTRAGE! YOU KNOW HE CARES BECAUSE HE JUST SHOUTED!
Congressman holds town hall meetings.
OUTRAGE!
Congressman attends hearings.
OUTRAGE!!!
Congressman waits until nobody gives a CRAP...
Congressman parties with big donors.
AND WE RE-ELECT THEM 90% OF THE TIME.
HEY, IF I DIDN'T, HE'D JUST HAVE TO EMPLOY THESE CHUMPS.
WAIT! I THINK I WOULD RE-ELECT THAT CARING CHUMP!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'M ON THE PHONE WITH THE JOHNSONS. THEY WANT TO KNOW WHY WE'RE NOT GOING TO THEIR DINNER PARTY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL THEM.
WE DON'T LIKE YOU.
THAT WORKED.

HEY, PIG. WE'RE GOING TO A ROOFTOP BAR. WANNA COME?
HOLD ON, MOM. GOAT'S ASKING ME SOMETHING.
WHAT'S A ROOFTOP BAR?
IT'S A BAR ON A ROOF, YOU KNOW, NOTHING OVER THE TOP OF YOU. AND THEY SERVE THE BEER OUT OF THESE HUGE CANS. YOU'VE GOT TO SEE IT.
WHERE ARE YOU TWO OFF TO, SON?
A TOPLESS BAR TO SEE SOME HUGE CANS.
SHE SEEMED LESS THAN EXCITED.

WHERE'S PIG?

I HIRED HIM AS AN ASSISTANT, SO TODAY HE'S WRITING "STP" ON ALL MY SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR.

WHAT'S "STP"?

MY INITIALS. STEPHAN THOMAS PASTIS.

OKAY, STEPH, ALL DONE!

I SAID "STP", NOT "STD".

I DON'T HEAR THAT WELL.

OH, YOU WILL SO CHARM THE LADIES.