Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HAVE A BUSINESS IDEA AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SQUELCH IT WITH ALL YOUR MORALIZING SNOOTINESS.
WHAT IS IT?
I'D LIKE TO BUILD TEMPORARY BARS IN PARKING LOTS AND USE THEM TO SELL CHEAP BOOZE.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD. BUT WHERE ARE YOU GONNA FIND THE FREE SPACE?
DISABLED PARKING SPOTS.
WHY DO WE GET SO MANY LETTERS, STEPH?
ASK HIM!!
OH, SURE, BLAME THE ENTREPRENEUR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... WHO'S YOUR FRIEND THERE?
MY NEW DOG.
WHY'D YOU GET A DOG?
BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PLUSES TO A DOG. THEY'RE LOYAL, TRUST- WORTHY, AND WILL STICK WITH YOU TO THE VERY END.
I'D SELL YOUR SOUL FOR A STRIP OF BACON.
THAT'S ONE OF THE MINUSES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?...I'M TRYING TO TALK ON THE PHONE.
I AM JERK CZAR, THE SELF-APPOINTED ANOINTER OF JERKS.
SO WHY ARE YOU BOTHERIN' ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE USING YOUR CELL PHONE IN A RESTAURANT AND NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR PHONE CALLS.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT, SO--
I ANOINT RATHER HARD.

THINGS ARE GOING PRETTY WELL FOR YOU THESE DAYS, STEPH.
QUICK... KNOCK THREE TIMES ON WOOD.
WHY?
BECAUSE IF YOU SAY HOW WELL THINGS ARE GOING AND YOU DON'T KNOCK ON WOOD, YOU'RE INVITING BAD LUCK!
YOU DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU, STEPH?
YOU BET YOUR @#% I DO! NOW HURRY UP AND FIND WOOD TO KNOCK ON BEFORE--
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
GOING TO MAKE MY FIRST HORROR FILM.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
A GUY WHO TRIES TO RELAX AT HOME, BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE THIS OTHER GUY COMES OVER TO HIS HOUSE AND WON'T LEAVE.
I THINK THIS IS WHY I DON'T VISIT MORE OFTEN.
NO, STAY... YOU'VE INSPIRED ART.

WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE ANYTHING? THE OUTCOME OF A WAR? THE EXISTENCE OF AN EMPIRE? THE DEMISE OF A CIVILIZATION?
I GUESS I'D ALWAYS GO BACK FIVE MINUTES.
WHY FIVE MINUTES?
SO I COULD EAT THE SAME NACHOS FOREVER.
MAYBE YOU COULD THINK BIGGER.
OH, I'LL GET BIGGER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST THING YOU GAIN AS YOU GET OLDER?
IS IT PATIENCE? PERSPECTIVE? WISDOM?
NEW LITTLE HAIRS THAT GROW OUT OF MY EAR.
I WAS HOPING FOR MORE.

BEFORE I TAKE YOUR ORDERS,
DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY
DIETARY RESTRICTIONS?
YEAH. I'M NOT GLUTEN-FREE
AND I'M NOT LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.
WELL, GET
A LOAD OF
THIS WEIRDO.
WE HAVE
NOTHING
TO OFFER
YOU, SIR.
NON-
RESTRICTED
EATERS
HAVE RIGHTS,
TOO!

LARRY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST FEW DAYS?
COLORADO! Me hear dey sell great croc pot.
YOU HEARD WHAT?
It cook chicken gud.
CLOSE CALL, LARRY THE CROCODILE.
IS IT SET ON HIGH?

RAT WENT ON THE PALEO DIET.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT THAT DIET...HOW DOES IT WORK?
THUNK
HE CLUBS OTHER PEOPLE AND STEALS THEIR FOOD.
Me like nachos.

Angry Bob was angry.

So he went to see a life coach.
"You worry too much," said the life coach, "And you lead a sedentary life. You need to travel, seek adventure, seize the day."
So Angry Bob booked a trip to New Zealand.

There he hiked volcanos, surfed waves, and decided to overcome his fear of bungee jumping.
"Fear is stupid," he shouted from atop a high bridge as the bungee instructor attached the bungee cord to his leg.
"From now on, I’m going to live a new life! One where I seize the day!!" Angry Bob shouted as he jumped from the bridge...
...before the startled instructor could finish securing Bob's cord.
Bob’s new life lasted four seconds.
NEVER SEIZE THE DAY.
I WILL SIT ON MY COUCH FOR LIFE!!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, GOAT?
I LIKE TO KEEP A JOURNAL OF QUOTES THAT INSPIRE ME. YOU KNOW, FROM PHILOSOPHERS, POETS, SPIRITUAL FIGURES.
DO YOU HAVE, ‘HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT’ :)
I THINK I’LL LEAVE THAT ONE OUT.
IT’S THE ONLY RULE I LIVE BY.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, HOW GOES IT?
I'M LONELY.
LONELY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MARRIED.
SOMETIMES THAT CAN BE THE WORST FORM OF LONELY.
IS THERE NO EASY PATH IN THIS WORLD?!
TELL ME IF YOU FIND ONE.
HAVE YOU TRIED A LIFE OF BEER AND TACOS?

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY SHARED ITEMS ON THE INTERNET ARE LISTS? TOP FIVE THIS. TOP TEN THAT. IT'S SUCH A CHEAP WAY OF GETTING ATTENTION.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH. AND DID YOU KNOW THAT THE THREE GREATEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME ARE THE ROLLING STONES' "STICKY FINGERS," U2'S "JOSHUA TREE" AND DYLAN'S "BLOOD ON THE TRACKS"?
YOU CHEAP LITTLE HUCKSTER.
LET THE DEBATING BEGIN!

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE A POLL-TAKER, RAT. I THINK YOU ASK QUESTIONS IN A BIASED WAY.
FINE. I'LL ASK MY QUESTION IN A TOTALLY NEUTRAL WAY.
DO YOU THREE APPROVE OF THE DIRECTION OF THE ECONOMY?
THEY DO NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB AS A POLL-TAKER.
DO YOU DO IT FAIRLY?
SURE. I JUST ASK THE QUESTION AND WRITE DOWN THE ANSWER. WATCH.
SIR, ARE YOU IN FAVOR OF THE CURRENT MAYOR OR DO YOU AGREE WITH ALL THE SMART PEOPLE WHO SAY HE'S A BIGTIME POOPHEAD?
THIS MAYOR'S IN TROUBLE.

HI, LIFEGUARD SUPERVISOR JEREMY. HOW GOES YOUR JOB MANAGING LIFEGUARDS?
NOT GOOD. I HAVE JUST UNDER 100 PROBLEMATIC SWIMMING SITES TO MONITOR AND NOT ENOUGH LIFEGUARDS. I HAVE RIVERS, LAKES, POOLS, YOU NAME IT.
BEACHES ?
NO. I GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT A BEACH AIN'T ONE.
I'M WATCHING YOU, PASTIS.
I KNOW.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
DRIVING MY CHEVROLET TRUCK ALL OVER TOWN.
HOW COME?
THESE HEAVY RAINS ARE CAUSING FLOODING EVERYWHERE, SO I'M CHECKING ON THE HOMES OF PALS WHO ARE OUT OF TOWN.
WHICH PALS?
GOAT, NEIGHBOR BOB, STEVE LEVY AND HIS FAMILY.
WHO'S STEVE LEVY'S FAMILY?
MY FAVORITE ANCHOR ON 'SPORTSCENTER'. WE'RE FRIENDS.
HOW WERE THE HOUSES?
GOAT HAD SOME FLOODING, AND NEIGHBOR BOB'S LIVING ROOM CARPET WAS WET.
HOW 'BOUT THE LEVY'S HOUSE?
I DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVYS, BUT THE LEVYS WAS DRY.
BYE BYE MR. CARTOONING GUY.

OKAY, PEOPLE. I HAVE TAKEN OVER THE PLANNING MEETING FOR GOATS UPCOMING WORLD PEACE RALLY.
YOU'RE STAGING A COUP AT A WORLD PEACE RALLY?
YES.
BUT WE WON'T FIGHT BACK. WE'LL JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR AND SING PEACE SONGS.
CANCEL THOSE TANKS.

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE PLANNING MEETING FOR MY UPCOMING WORLD PEACE RALLY... THE FIRST QUESTION IS WHETHER TO HAVE BALLOONS... I SAY WE SHOULD.
I SAY WE SHOULDN'T
CRACK
THIS IS STARTING OUT POORLY.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, RAT?
GOT THE iPHONE 6 PLUS.
OH, GOOD. HOW'S IT WORKING OUT?
HANG ON. I GOT A CALL.
HELLO?
I THINK I NEED BIGGER POCKETS.

HEY, PIG... I'M TAKING A POLL. DO YOU BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM OR EVOLUTION?
NEITHER.
NEITHER?
WHY NEITHER?
BECAUSE IN THE TIME I'VE BEEN ALIVE, I'VE BECOME CERTAIN OF ONLY ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT I LIKE DONUTS.
ONE VOTE FOR DONUTS.
WHO DOESN'T VOTE FOR DONUTS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Me hunting prey.
YOU'RE SITTING IN A LAWN CHAIR DRINKING BEER.
Me in planning phase.
No one respekk planning phase.

THESE TWO RICH DOCTORS BUILT A COUPLE OF PIERS TO BRING MORE TOURISTS TO THE BEACH, BUT FOR REASONS THEY CAN'T EXPLAIN, IT'S ACTUALLY DRIVING TOURISTS AWAY.
HEY, GUYS, WHATCHA TALKING ABOUT?
A PAIR OF DOCS' PAIR OF DOCKS PARADOX.
MY MONDAY IS RUINED.

CONFERENCE OF THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS
OKAY, EVERYONE, TIME FOR NEW BUSINESS... A CHANCE FOR EACH OF YOU TO SAY WHATEVER YOU'D LIKE.
YES, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
YES, I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BRIEF TALK TITLED ‘WHY I'M BETTER THAN YOU’.
WHAT THE-? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH.
YOUR SPEECH? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH, YOU GLAARGHAGRARGH WHEAT KILLER.
DID EVEN ONE OF YOU DRIVE HERE IN AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE??
NEVER GIVE A FORUM TO THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
HAVE A CARBON FOOTPRINT IN THE FACE, @#$%*.