Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, I HEARD YOU'RE
TAKING TIME OFF THIS
WEEK. IF SO, YOU NEED
TO SET YOUR 'OUT-OF-
OFFICE' REPLY.
ALREADY
TOOK
CARE
OF IT,
SIR.
Hello. I am on vacation this week. If this is urgent, that is funny because I’m drunk on a beach and don’t care.
I'M THINKING
A TAD
MORE
PROFESSIONAL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL CHANGE
'DRUNK' TO
'TIPSY.'

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING ALL MY MONEY. WITH ALL THE BANKS BEING HACKED THESE DAYS, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO HOLD TIGHTLY TO ANYTHING WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE.
I JUST MEANT MONEY.
I'M NOT LETTING GO OF YOU EVER.

Lessons in Morality
STARRING the Insacurasaurs
(Me!)
The Insecurasuarus wanted to impress his friends.
So he used big words.
ABERRATION
ABHOR
ALACRITY
But they were not impressed.
So he made lots of money.
But they were not impressed.
So he dressed in the finest suits.
But they were not impressed.
So he found shallower friends.
AND WHAT EXACTLY IS THE MORALITY LESSON?
THAT DEEP FRIENDSHIPS HOLD US BACK.
OOH AHH NICE
ADORE ME, NEW SHALLOW FRIENDS!

I STARTED DATING THIS WOMAN WHO'S A MEDICAL DOCTOR. BUT SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME AND WANTED TO BREAK UP.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I ASKED FOR A SECOND OPINION.
DOCTORS ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

I JUST GOT A CONDESCEND- ING EMAIL FROM MY BOSS AT THE CAFE. BUT I LEARNED FROM THE LAST TIME THAT IT'S BEST TO LET SOME TIME PASS BEFORE RESPONDING.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?
Dear Boss,
#@!%#@ you, you fat, #%$@#% tub o' #%#.
Rat
IT AFFECTED MY RAISE.

HEY, PIG. WHY THE FARMER CLOTHES?
FARMER BOB HIRED ME TO HERD HIS FLOCK OF SHEEP, BUT IT'S HARD.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE I NEED TO MOVE THE FLOCK, BUT THERE'S A BARBED WIRE FENCE BLOCKING ONE DIRECTION AND NOW THERE'S A WINERY'S GRAPES BLOCKING THE OTHER DIRECTION.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
I HERD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.
EWE MAKE ME SICK.

DID YOU HEAR JEF THE CYCLIST IS TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?
YEAH. EVERY EXTRA POUND HE WEIGHS MAKES HIM TWENTY SECONDS SLOWER ON EVERY MILE HE CLIMBS.
WEIGHT MAKES THAT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE?
YEAH, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK CYCLISTS LIKE HIM TAKE IT TOO FAR.
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.

HEY, LENNY THE LEMMING... I NOTICE YOU HAVE OVER 3,000 PROFILE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF ON FACEBOOK. DO YOU REALLY NEED THAT MANY?
CLICK
PEOPLE WILL LOVE MY REACTION TO THAT.

I VISITED MONTREAL LAST WEEK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. EXPLORING NEW CULTURES CAN REALLY BROADEN THE MIND. WHAT DID YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THE EXPERIENCE?
THEY'RE BETTER THAN BASEBALL BATS.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
AT THAT NEW JAMES BOND-THEMED RESTAURANT. THE SERVERS ARE ALL BOND VILLAINS AND EACH BOND CONTROLS A DIFFERENT FACTION OF THE RESTAURANT.
SOUNDS FUN.
YEAH. AND EACH SERVER WILL ONLY SIT YOU IN THEIR AREA IF YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE MOVIE THEY WERE IN.
REALLY?
I SEE.
LIKE I CAN GET INTO GOLDFINGER SAT'S FACTION BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT ABOUT "GOLDFINGER."
THAT'S GREAT. IS DR. NO THERE?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE DR. NO FILM.
SO
SO I CAN'T GET 'NO SAT US' FACTION.
WOULD YOU RATHER BE SHAKEN OR STIRRED?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. GOT A NEW TATTOO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GIVEN THAT IT'S NOW A PERMANENT PART OF YOUR BODY, I CAN'T EXACTLY CRITICIZE IT LIKE I WOULD A NEW SHIRT. BUT IF I COULD, I'D SAY IT'S A NOTCH BELOW THE KIND OF ART YOU FIND FOR SALE IN A GAS STATION PARKING LOT.
FEEL FREE TO BE LESS HONEST.
OOOOH, DOLPHINS. NEATO!

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, POND GUY?
WHY DOES HE LIVE IN A POND?
MY MORTGAGE IS UNDERWATER.
TRY HARDER.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
LOOKING AT LAND TO BUY. I FOUND TWO BIG LOTS THAT, OH, I DON'T KNOW THE WORD FOR IT... YOU KNOW, TOUCH ALONG A BORDER.
ABUT.
POTTY MOUTH.

WE SHOULD INTRODUCE A DOG CHARACTER INTO THE STRIP.
THAT WAY, WHEN "PEARLS" IS TRANSLATED INTO OTHER LANGUAGES, HE CAN JUST GO "ARF ARF" EVERYWHERE.
DOGS DON'T GO "ARF ARF" IN OTHER LANGUAGES.
WHAT SOUND DO THEY MAKE?
MUNG-MUNG
KOREAN
WAN-WAN
JAPANESE
HAM-HAM
ROMANIAN
BOFF-BOFF
NORWEGIAN
GONG-GONG
MALAY
HAW-HAY
LEBANESE
WANG-WANG
MANDARIN
BUB-BUB
CATALAN
HAFT-HAFF
CZECH
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
BAD-BAD.
PERSIAN.

HEY, LENNY THE LEMMING. I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO ATTENTION-SEEKING.
REALLY? WELL, THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW.
PERHAPS YOU MISSED THE APPLAUSE SIGN.

LENNY THE LEMMING IS MEETING ME HERE AT THE CAFE.
IS HE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
I AM HERE.
JUST A FEELING.
CAN YOU TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON, LENNY?

HEY, WILLY... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MEMORIZING HISTORY. IT TAKES FOREVER, BUT I HAVE TO DO IT. WE HAVE A TEST.
HOW COME YOU HAVE TO KNOW HISTORY?
I GUESS SO THAT WHEN WE'RE OLDER, WE'LL KNOW THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHO WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND WHERE APOLLO 11 LANDED WHEN MEN FIRST WALKED ON THE MOON.
JEFFERSON. ST. HELENA. 1969.
IT'S CALLED 'GOOGLE.'
IS SCHOOL JUST TORTURE?
YES. BUT TORTURE BUILDS CHARACTER.
I GUESS TECHNICALLY, I KNOW EVERYTHING.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS LAB AT UC BERKELEY THAT'S PIONEERING A FUEL MADE FROM FERMENTED PLANTS?
BLAH BLAH BLAH... WHO CARES? SCIENCE SPENDS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY YEAR AND FAILS TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE THAT CONCERNS ALL OF US.
WHICH IS WHAT?
WHY ARE YAINS SO @#%*@ CONTAGIOUS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS THAT PRESSING.
ALSO, WHY DO I YAWN WHENEVER YOU TALK?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING RAT?
I HEARD A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER EXPLAIN THAT THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS TO SET REALISTIC LIFE GOALS AND THEN STICK TO THEM, SO I'M WRITING SOME DOWN
TERRIFIC. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
SURE.
Get drunk and watch 'Trailer Park Boys'!
HOW AMBITIOUS
CAN'T TALK. I'M OFF TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS.

HEY WILLY, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I FELL OVER ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL AND WAS OUT THERE ALL NIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET UP?
Help.
YOU'RE A TURTLE NOW.
I FEAR BIRDS OF PREY.

I HAD A DREAM THAT A MONKEY WAS TRYING TO MARKET HIS OWN BRAND OF CINNAMON, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO USE THE WORD CINNAMON.
WHAT DID HE WANT TO USE?
A WORD THAT MEANT THE SAME THING, BUT HE COULDN'T THINK OF ANY, SO HE SAID THAT MEANT I WAS A SINNER WHO WOULD ONE DAY GO TO HELL.
WHOA. THAT DREAM SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF OMEN.
WHAT KIND OF OMEN?
A SIMIAN CINNAMON SYNONYM SIN OMEN.
YOU'RE THE ONE GOING TO HELL.

MASTER GURU PIG?... I HAVE A QUESTION...MY LIFE FEELS SO DIRECTIONLESS...SO LOST...WHAT SHOULD I DO?
GRAB A GALLON OF ICE CREAM AND LIE ON YOUR COUCH FOR DAYS!!
HALLELUJAH, BROTHER PIG!!
BLESS YOU, BROTHER!

WHERES PIG TODAY?
HES WORKING. HE GOT A JOB AS AN UNMOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
YOU MEAN 'MOTIVATIONAL' SPEAKER.
NO. I DON'T.
SO GO OUT AND NAP, NAP NAP!

HEY, RAT, TAKE A PICTURE OF ME IN FRONT OF THIS TREE WITH MY SMARTPHONE.
LET'S GET ONE OF THE TWO OF US TOGETHER!
HERE, GET SOME WITH MINE ALSO!
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT GUY SELLING?
I DUNNO. LET'S TAKE HIS PICTURE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
THESE INSECURE PEOPLE WITH VARIOUS ADDICTIONS BEING REASSURED THAT THEY’RE OKAY AND THAT THEIR LIVES HAVE VALUE.
WHAT’S IT CALLED?
THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
AT LEAST THEY’RE PRETTY.
THEY CLEAN UP NICELY.