Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BILL... HE
MAY HAVE KILLED A MAN, BUT IT'S
OKAY BECAUSE THE COPS SAY HE'S
A REALLY INTERESTING PERSON.
PERSON-OF-INTEREST.
I WAS CLOSE.

I KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. WHERE I TRAVEL. WHAT I SEE. WHERE I LIVE. BUT NONE OF IT MAKES ME ANY HAPPIER.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHEREVER I GO, THERE I STILL AM.
I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING SANTA'S REINDEER. THEY'RE DOING THEIR BUSINESS ALL OVER OUR FRONT LAWN.
AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA USE THE POOPER SCOOPER...
SANTA CAN BE SO VINDICTIVE.

GREETINGS! WE’RE SANTA’S LITTLE ELVES! CAN WE COME INSIDE AND GIVE YOU THIS YEAR’S GIFTS?
SANTA’S ELVES? OF COURSE!
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I GUESS SOMEONE HASN’T VERY GOOD THIS YEAR.

WELL, HELLO LITTLE FELLO. AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS YEAR?
YOU SHORTED ME ON GIFTS LAST YEAR, SANTA. SO I'M GONNA TOVAH HARDING YOUR NANCY KERRIGAN LITTLE @#%*.
YOU'RE GONNA WHAT N OWWW
AND THEY WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CANDY CANE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE MALL TO SEE SANTA.
WELL, THAT'S SWEET. TO ASK HIM FOR SOMETHING NICE?
TO BEAT HIM FOR LAST YEAR'S SNUB.
NEVER WRITE A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

BOMBAST CABLE, CAN I HELP YOU.
I'D LIKE TO CANCEL CABLE.
WHAT? WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.
I'M JUST HERE TO CANCEL.
ARE YOU UNSATISFIED WITH YOUR SERVICE?
YES.
WHY ARE YOU UNSATISFIED?
BECAUSE YOU WON'T CANCEL ME.
MAYBE I CAN HELP.
YOU CAN HELP BY CANCELING ME.
BUT THEN YOU DIDN'T ASK.
CANCEL ME.
I DON'T HAVE TO.
I'LL HAVE TO SEE IF I CAN FIX YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM. CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE IF I CAN ME YOU.
NO! CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
I SAID CANCEL ME.
BEFORE YOU DO THAT, THERE IS A TRAINED NINJA ASSASSIN JUST OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A USE FOR YOUR CUSTOM RETENTION PROGRAM.
CABLES CANCELED.

I WANT TO QUIT THIS NEW JOB I JUST TOOK AND TELL EVERYONE TO SHOVE IT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CAREER, YOU SHOULD NEVER BURN YOUR BRIDGES.
I BLEW UP MINE LIKE IT'S THE END OF 'BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI'.
NO ONE WILL GET THAT REFERENCE.
GOOGLE IT, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
I'VE BEEN WRITING DOWN ALL MY LIFE'S GOALS. IT HAS REALLY HELPED ME TO ACHIEVE THEM.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR?
Write list titled 'Goals'.
GOALS
IT'S BEEN SLOW PROGRESS SINCE.

LOOK, STEPH, I FOUND A COPY OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK. SAYS YOU WERE ON THE SPEECH TEAM, THE DEBATE TEAM, AND THE CROSS COUNTRY TEAM, WHICH RAISES AN IMPORTANT QUESTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
HOW DID YOU FIGHT ALL THE GIRLS OFF?
I MADE CROSS COUNTRY COOL, DARN IT!
YOU LOOKED LIKE A BROOMSTICK WITH GLASSES.

I HAVE A LARGE BRAIN, AND IT'S BEEN CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN THAT THOSE WITH LARGER BRAINS ARE SMARTER THAN THOSE WITH SMALLER BRAINS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YES, IT IS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE SOMETHING IS TRUE WHENEVER YOU SAY, "IT'S BEEN CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN."
THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
HEY, IN AN AGE WHERE NO ONE READS, IT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

HEY, VICTOR THE VEGAN.
HOW GOES IT?
I CONDEMN THEE FOR PUTTING HONEY ON YOUR TOAST.
HONEY IS AN ANIMAL PRODUCT AND YOU ARE SCUM.
SAID VICTOR WHILE SITTING ON A LEATHER DINER STOOL.
FORGIVE ME, GREAT COW IN THE SKY!
CAN HE SQUIRT SOME MILK IN MY COFFEE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
READING ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHY. I DO IT WHEN LIFE GETS A BIT OVERWHELMING AND I NEED ANSWERS.
I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY I TURN TO IN TIMES LIKE THAT, TOO.
OH, YEAH? WHICH ONE?
EAT GALLON OF ICE CREAM.
IT'S INTELLECTUALLY SOUND.

RAT'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM
If elected President of the United States,
I, Rat, will buy 7,000,000,000 drones.
That is the number of people on earth.
Each drone will keep an eye on one person.
Monitoring everything that person does.
And listening in on every phone call.
And if that person does something displeasing, the drone will address the situation.
P.S. I will control all the drones.
I DON'T THINK I'LL VOTE FOR YOU.
YOUR DRONE WILL BE VERY AGGRESSIVE.
I'M EATING BREAKFAST, DRONE!

BOMBFAST CABLE
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I TRIED CALLING YOU MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY AND YOU WERE CLOSED EACH TIME. I THOUGHT YOUR TECH SUPPORT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.
IT IS. AND THAT DAY IS THURSDAY. BWAAHAHAHAHAA
IS IT ME, OR IS THE CABLE COMPANY GETTING MORE EVIL?

OH NO. THE LITTLE KNOB ON MY WATCH BROKE.
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I MOVED IT TWO HOURS AHEAD WHEN I WENT TO TEXAS. NOW I'M BACK IN CALIFORNIA AND I NEED TO CHANGE THE TIME BACK.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? YOU DON'T WANT THE TIME ON YOUR WATCH TO BE WRONG.
GUESS I HAVE TO MOVE TO TEXAS.
THERE'S NO PROBLEM HE CAN'T SOLVE.

WHY DOES STEPHAN LIE IN THE SUN SO MUCH
BECAUSE HE USED TO BE A REPTILE.
I WAS A LAWYER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE AGAIN?
REPTILES DON'T BILL HOURLY.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS HORSEMAN FROM SOUTHERN RUSSIA? I GUESS HE'S GOING AROUND RAMMING PEOPLE WITH HIS TAILBONE. HE'S KNOCKED OUT SIX PEOPLE.
WAIT... WHAT HAPPENED?
THIS COSSACK'S COCCYX CLOCKED SIX.
GET HIM.

BEHOLD! I AM VICTOR THE VEGAN, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO DARE TO USE ANIMAL PRODUCTS!
BEHOLD! I AM JEF THE CYCLIST, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO ARE LAZY AND WEAK!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR HAVING A LEATHER SEAT ON THY BIKE!!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR BEING A SKINNY RUNT OF A MAN!!
IT'S NOT PRETTY WHEN TWO SUPERIOR RACES MEET.
I PUNCH THEE FOR WEARING SPANDEX!

WHY IS JEF THE CYCLIST SO ARROGANT?
BECAUSE CYCLISTS FEEL SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE. THERE'S NO OTHER GROUP LIKE THEM.
BEHOLD, YOU MEAT-EATING SCUM! I AM VICTOR THE VEGAN!
I TAKE THAT BACK.

HELLO, MR. RAT.. I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR AN OFFICE POSITION.
YES SIR.
HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE DO YOU HAVE ?
NOT VERY MUCH.
THEN HOW CAN I HELP YOU ?
WELL, I WAS HOPING TO GAIN THAT HERE IN THIS JOB.
WELL, I CAN'T GIVE YOU A JOB WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.
BUT I CAN'T GET EXPERIENCE WITHOUT A JOB.
THEN YOU CAN'T GET A JOB.
THEN I CAN'T GET EXPERIENCE!
OKAY OKAY... CALM DOWN.. I MAY HAVE AN OPENING IN THE MAILROOM.. WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED?
HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE DO YOU HAVE ?
SO I STRANGLED HIM WITH HIS TIE.

DOES YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER FORWARD YOU A LOT OF CHAIN E-MAIL?
ALL WARNING YOU OF VARIOUS DANGERS IN THE WORLD, EACH MORE LUDICROUS THAN THE LAST?
OH, LOOK, TOASTER ELECTROCUTIONS ARE ON THE RISE.
"TOP SIX WAYS YOUR PANTS CAN KILL YOU."

MY COUSINS GETTING MARRIED IN HAWAII. SO IN ADDITION TO BUYING HER AN EXPENSIVE WEDDING GIFT, I NOW HAVE TO PAY FOR AN EXPENSIVE FLIGHT AND HOTEL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M SENDING MY INVITATION BACK TO HER WITH "DECEASED" WRITTEN ON THE ENVELOPE.
IT'S A BIG MONEY-SAVER.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE SECOND TOE IS LONGER THAN YOUR BIG TOE?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOOMED TO A LIFE OF LONELINESS.
HE'S WRONG, ISN'T HE, SATIC?
YES, YOU'RE DOOMED TO BE LONELY BECAUSE OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

YOU HAVE AN HONEST FACE, PIG.
DON'T ALL ANIMALS HAVE HONEST FACES? IT'S NOT LIKE WE LOOK LIKE CRIMINALS OR BURGLARS OR SOMETHING.
POOR RACCOONS.