Pearls Before Swine | Search

I HIRED A BEAR TO PROTECT MY PROPERTY FROM THE CROCS.
WOW. BEARS ARE SO INTIMIDATING. IS IT A GRIZZLY BEAR? BLACK BEAR? BROWN BEAR?
NONE OF THE ABOVE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS HUG HIM IF YOU'RE SCARED.

I'M GOING SKYDIVING WITH MY BOSS FROM THE CAFE NEXT WEEK.
I THOUGHT YOU HATED HIM.
WE DON'T ALL HAVE PARACHUTES.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
GOOD. BECAUSE THE POLICE WILL ASK.

GATHER ROUND KIDS...I HAVE A STORY TO TELL...THIS ONE'S ABOUT
CELL PHONES
OH NO...PHONES THAT LOOKED LIKE THIS.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A TELEPHONE. ONE THAT HAD TO WALLS...WITH CORDS!
CORDS?!? HOW DID YOU DRIVE AROUND WITH THEM?
IF YOU WERE DRIVING AROUND YOU COULDN'T TALK TO ANYONE.
HOW WOULD YOU CALL THEM BACK? HOW WOULD YOU GET BACK HOME?
YES, BUT IF YOU CALLED AND THEY WERE ABOUT TO DIE YOU GOT SOMETHING CALLED A 'BUSY SIGNAL'.
DIDN'T YOU JUST LEAVE A VOICEMAIL?
BECAUSE THERE WASN'T ANY. SOMEONE HAD TO WRITE DOWN YOUR MESSAGE WITH PEN AND PAPER.
PAPERS? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NEVER HAVE I EVER FELT SO OLD.
NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT...THE TIME YOU
THE WHO?!

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
SAN FRANCISCO, TO VISIT SOME FRIENDS WHO LIVE THERE. I GUESS THE WEATHER'S UNPREDICTABLE, SO THEY SAY TO DRESS IN LAYERS.
HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. GOT ANY TIPS?
I USE THE HELIUM DIET. IT'S EASY TO STICK TO AND IT'S EASY TO LEARN.
HOW'S IT WORK?
I DON'T THINK THAT COUNTS.
THE SCALE DOESN'T LIE.

DID YOU JUST BITE OFF THE END OF THAT STRING CHEESE INSTEAD OF PEELING OFF A STRING?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF STRING CHEESE.
IT'S JUST CHEESE.
CRACK
THAT WAS MORE THAN I COULD TAKE.

HEY, RAT. DID YOU CHANGE YOUR
OUT-OF-OFFICE REPLY LIKE I ASKED?
YES, SIR.
HAVE A LOOK.
HELLO. I WILL BE ON VACATION
AND UNAVAILABLE FOR THE NEXT
THREE DAYS. AFTER THAT, I'LL BE
AVAILABLE, BUT WILL STILL TRY
VERY HARD TO AVOID YOU.
I DON'T
THINK YOU'RE
GETTING
THIS.
YOU SHOULD HEAR
MY OUTGOING
PHONE MESSAGE.

HEY, RAT, I HEARD YOU'RE
TAKING TIME OFF THIS
WEEK. IF SO, YOU NEED
TO SET YOUR 'OUT-OF-
OFFICE' REPLY.
ALREADY
TOOK
CARE
OF IT,
SIR.
Hello. I am on vacation this week. If this is urgent, that is funny because I’m drunk on a beach and don’t care.
I'M THINKING
A TAD
MORE
PROFESSIONAL.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL CHANGE
'DRUNK' TO
'TIPSY.'

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
HOLDING ALL MY MONEY. WITH ALL THE BANKS BEING HACKED THESE DAYS, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO HOLD TIGHTLY TO ANYTHING WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE.
I JUST MEANT MONEY.
I'M NOT LETTING GO OF YOU EVER.

Lessons in Morality
STARRING the Insacurasaurs
(Me!)
The Insecurasuarus wanted to impress his friends.
So he used big words.
ABERRATION
ABHOR
ALACRITY
But they were not impressed.
So he made lots of money.
But they were not impressed.
So he dressed in the finest suits.
But they were not impressed.
So he found shallower friends.
AND WHAT EXACTLY IS THE MORALITY LESSON?
THAT DEEP FRIENDSHIPS HOLD US BACK.
OOH AHH NICE
ADORE ME, NEW SHALLOW FRIENDS!

I STARTED DATING THIS WOMAN WHO'S A MEDICAL DOCTOR. BUT SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME AND WANTED TO BREAK UP.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I ASKED FOR A SECOND OPINION.
DOCTORS ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

I JUST GOT A CONDESCEND- ING EMAIL FROM MY BOSS AT THE CAFE. BUT I LEARNED FROM THE LAST TIME THAT IT'S BEST TO LET SOME TIME PASS BEFORE RESPONDING.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME?
Dear Boss,
#@!%#@ you, you fat, #%$@#% tub o' #%#.
Rat
IT AFFECTED MY RAISE.

HEY, PIG. WHY THE FARMER CLOTHES?
FARMER BOB HIRED ME TO HERD HIS FLOCK OF SHEEP, BUT IT'S HARD.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE I NEED TO MOVE THE FLOCK, BUT THERE'S A BARBED WIRE FENCE BLOCKING ONE DIRECTION AND NOW THERE'S A WINERY'S GRAPES BLOCKING THE OTHER DIRECTION.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
I HERD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.
EWE MAKE ME SICK.

DID YOU HEAR JEF THE CYCLIST IS TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?
YEAH. EVERY EXTRA POUND HE WEIGHS MAKES HIM TWENTY SECONDS SLOWER ON EVERY MILE HE CLIMBS.
WEIGHT MAKES THAT MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE?
YEAH, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK CYCLISTS LIKE HIM TAKE IT TOO FAR.
SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.

HEY, LENNY THE LEMMING... I NOTICE YOU HAVE OVER 3,000 PROFILE PHOTOS OF YOURSELF ON FACEBOOK. DO YOU REALLY NEED THAT MANY?
CLICK
PEOPLE WILL LOVE MY REACTION TO THAT.

I VISITED MONTREAL LAST WEEK.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. EXPLORING NEW CULTURES CAN REALLY BROADEN THE MIND. WHAT DID YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THE EXPERIENCE?
THEY'RE BETTER THAN BASEBALL BATS.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
AT THAT NEW JAMES BOND-THEMED RESTAURANT. THE SERVERS ARE ALL BOND VILLAINS AND EACH BOND CONTROLS A DIFFERENT FACTION OF THE RESTAURANT.
SOUNDS FUN.
YEAH. AND EACH SERVER WILL ONLY SIT YOU IN THEIR AREA IF YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE MOVIE THEY WERE IN.
REALLY?
I SEE.
LIKE I CAN GET INTO GOLDFINGER SAT'S FACTION BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT ABOUT "GOLDFINGER."
THAT'S GREAT. IS DR. NO THERE?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT THE DR. NO FILM.
SO
SO I CAN'T GET 'NO SAT US' FACTION.
WOULD YOU RATHER BE SHAKEN OR STIRRED?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. GOT A NEW TATTOO. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GIVEN THAT IT'S NOW A PERMANENT PART OF YOUR BODY, I CAN'T EXACTLY CRITICIZE IT LIKE I WOULD A NEW SHIRT. BUT IF I COULD, I'D SAY IT'S A NOTCH BELOW THE KIND OF ART YOU FIND FOR SALE IN A GAS STATION PARKING LOT.
FEEL FREE TO BE LESS HONEST.
OOOOH, DOLPHINS. NEATO!

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, POND GUY?
WHY DOES HE LIVE IN A POND?
MY MORTGAGE IS UNDERWATER.
TRY HARDER.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, PIG?
LOOKING AT LAND TO BUY. I FOUND TWO BIG LOTS THAT, OH, I DON'T KNOW THE WORD FOR IT... YOU KNOW, TOUCH ALONG A BORDER.
ABUT.
POTTY MOUTH.

WE SHOULD INTRODUCE A DOG CHARACTER INTO THE STRIP.
THAT WAY, WHEN "PEARLS" IS TRANSLATED INTO OTHER LANGUAGES, HE CAN JUST GO "ARF ARF" EVERYWHERE.
DOGS DON'T GO "ARF ARF" IN OTHER LANGUAGES.
WHAT SOUND DO THEY MAKE?
MUNG-MUNG
KOREAN
WAN-WAN
JAPANESE
HAM-HAM
ROMANIAN
BOFF-BOFF
NORWEGIAN
GONG-GONG
MALAY
HAW-HAY
LEBANESE
WANG-WANG
MANDARIN
BUB-BUB
CATALAN
HAFT-HAFF
CZECH
THAT'S JUST WRONG.
BAD-BAD.
PERSIAN.

HEY, LENNY THE LEMMING. I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO ATTENTION-SEEKING.
REALLY? WELL, THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW.
PERHAPS YOU MISSED THE APPLAUSE SIGN.

LENNY THE LEMMING IS MEETING ME HERE AT THE CAFE.
IS HE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
I AM HERE.
JUST A FEELING.
CAN YOU TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON, LENNY?

HEY, WILLY... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MEMORIZING HISTORY. IT TAKES FOREVER, BUT I HAVE TO DO IT. WE HAVE A TEST.
HOW COME YOU HAVE TO KNOW HISTORY?
I GUESS SO THAT WHEN WE'RE OLDER, WE'LL KNOW THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHO WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND WHERE APOLLO 11 LANDED WHEN MEN FIRST WALKED ON THE MOON.
JEFFERSON. ST. HELENA. 1969.
IT'S CALLED 'GOOGLE.'
IS SCHOOL JUST TORTURE?
YES. BUT TORTURE BUILDS CHARACTER.
I GUESS TECHNICALLY, I KNOW EVERYTHING.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS LAB AT UC BERKELEY THAT'S PIONEERING A FUEL MADE FROM FERMENTED PLANTS?
BLAH BLAH BLAH... WHO CARES? SCIENCE SPENDS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY YEAR AND FAILS TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE THAT CONCERNS ALL OF US.
WHICH IS WHAT?
WHY ARE YAINS SO @#%*@ CONTAGIOUS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS THAT PRESSING.
ALSO, WHY DO I YAWN WHENEVER YOU TALK?