Pearls Before Swine | Search

So neighbor Bob, what’s new?
I’m training for a triathlon.
I think you told us that five minutes ago. So how’s your family?
Good, but not as good as me. I’m training for a triathlon.
Right. I know. So do you want a beer?
Can’t. I’m training for a triathlon.
All triathletes should be punched in the head.
Gotta go. I’m training for a triathlon.

HEY, NEIGH-BOR BOB, WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO?
I'M THE PRESIDENT OF A NEW COMPANY I JUST FORMED TO FIX DENTED CARS.
HOW IS IT GOING?
GOOD. WE INVENTED THIS NEW TECHNOLOGY WHERE WE SIMPLY PRESS THE DENT BACK OUT FROM THE INSIDE OF THE CAR.
HEY, SINCE I KNOW YOU, COULD I GET A BIT OF A PRESIDENT'S DISCOUNT?
I DON'T KNOW. THAT COULD SET A BAD PRESIDENT PRESS-A-DENT
PRECEDENT.
THIS STRIP NEEDS REPAIRS.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN
COME OVER AND HELP ME
ASSEMBLE A PIECE OF
FURNITURE?
LOVE TO.
BUT I KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT
ASSEMBLING
FURNITURE.
DO YOU FEIGN IGNORANCE FOR
EVERY SINGLE TASK YOU DON'T
WANT TO DO?
THE WORLD IS ON TO ME.

Okay, zeeba... Croc master helium balloon. Bob gonna float to top of you house. Go down chimney.
HOW WILL YOU MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T JUST FLOAT AWAY?
You jinx Bob.

I CAN NEVER REMEMBER TO TURN OFF THE HEATER WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE, SO I STARTED TO REMIND MYSELF WITH STICKY NOTES.
DID THAT WORK?
NO, SO I STARTED PUTTING THE STICKY NOTE ON THE FRONT DOOR SO I'D SEE IT WHEN I WAS LEAVING THE HOUSE.
AND DID THAT WORK?
NO, SO NOW I'VE DESIGNED THIS HEADBAND THAT HOLDS THE STICKY NOTE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.
AND NOW YOU CAN REMEMBER?
REMEMBER WHAT?
GET HELP.

SMITH
1902-1982
Established first state orphanage
WILLIAMS
1910-1974
Philanthropist and inventor of 12 life-saving vaccines
COOPER
1922-1971
Founder of Metropolitan Art Museum
JONES
1905-1982
Builder of world's largest suspension bridge
JOHNSON
1946-2016
Had 58 Twitter followers
The recent ones depress me.
WHOA. LOOK AT ALL THIS GUY'S FACEBOOK LIKES.

THE GOOGLE STREET-VIEW TRUCK CAME DOWN OUR STREET TODAY.
OH, THAT'S THE ONE THAT TAKES PHOTOS SO YOU CAN SEE JUST ABOUT ANY HOUSE IN AMERICA. ISN'T THAT GREAT?
I WAS SUNBATHING IN THE NUDE.
MAY NO ONE EVER LOOK UP OUR STREET AGAIN.
HEY... SHRINKAGE HAPPENS.

WE'VE BEEN DATING A LONG TIME, PIGITA. I THINK YOU ARE GREAT. AND I'D LIKE TO MARRY YOU.
OH MY GOD, PIG. REALLY?
APRIL FOOLS!
SOME APRIL FOOLS JOKES WORK BETTER THAN OTHERS.

BOOO
BOOO
BOOO
BOOOO
"nature abhors a vacuum."
BOOOOO

HOW GOES YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT?
GOOD. I HAVE A NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "GET UP AND GO."
AS IN, IF YOU WIN, WE SHOULD ALL WORK TOGETHER ENERGETICALLY TO GET STUFF DONE?
AS IN, IF I LOSE, WE SHOULD ALL GET UP AND GO TO CANADA.
IF YOU WIN, I WILL GO TO CANADA.
MY DRONES WILL TRACK YOU DOWN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. THOUGHT I’D STOP BY AND SEE HOW YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE DOING.
THE ANGELS TOOK HER.
OH, MY GOD. SHE DIED?
NO, NO. THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS GAVE HER A STADIUM JOB.
I NEED TO FIND A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT.

THIS UNIVERSITY DIDN'T LIKE THIS COMEDIAN'S VIEWS ON RELIGION, SO THEY CIRCULATED A PETITION TO STOP HIM FROM SPEAKING.
I THOUGHT THE ANSWER TO SPEECH WE DIDN'T LIKE WAS MORE SPEECH. NOT BANNING THE SPEAKER.
STOP BEING INTOLERANT.

Henry
Hippo
checked his
texts.
There
were
none.
So he
checked
Facebook.
And his
fantasy
league.
And
Snapchat.
And Twitter.
And checked
his texts
again.
And there
was
one.
From
Elly
Elephant.
Are we still on a date?
Elly Elephant
vowed to never
again date in the
smartphone era.

WELL, WELL, WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE MY RUDE, INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOR IS ACTUALLY IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY. MAYBE I'LL ACTUALLY SIT NEXT TO YOU.
THWACK
ALWAYS MASK YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS.

AND SO I WANT TO BUILD A VERY,
VERY BIG WALL ON OUR BORDER TO
KEEP OUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T
REPRESENT OUR VALUES AND MAY DO
HARM TO OUR COUNTRY.
SO WHICH SIDE OF THE WALL
WILL YOU BE ON? :)
AND SMART-@## REPORTERS
WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

I WANT TO START A BASEBALL LEAGUE FOR AT-RISK YOUTH BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT REQUIRES.
THAT TAKES HELMETS. BATS. GLOVES.
I DON'T HAVE ALL THAT. WHAT IF I JUST START A DODGEBALL LEAGUE SO THEY CAN TAKE OUT THEIR ANGER IN A SAFE, CONSTRUCTIVE WAY THAT HOPEFULLY DOESN'T LEAD TO MORE VIOLENCE?
THAT JUST TAKES BALLS.
OH, AREN'T YOU CUTE.
WHAT? DODGEBALL REQUIRES BALLS.
BIG ONES, IN FACT.

I LIKE IT WHEN HOLLYWOOD MAKES FILMS FOCUSING ON EQUALITY AND THE BROTHERHOOD OF ALL HUMANITY.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY GROUP THAT DIVIDES ITS OWN PEOPLE INTO A-LISTERS AND EVERYONE ELSE.
I ADMIRE THEIR CHUTZPAH.
BOOOOOOO.
B-LISTERS.
BOOOOOO.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, GOAT?
NEW DELHI!
DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH MR. SCHWARTZ?
WHO'S MR. SCHWARTZ?
THE BUTCHER AT OUR OLD DELI.
LET'S START OVER.

YOU KNOW, PIG, I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT THE AFTERLIFE LATELY... WHAT DO PIGS THINK HAPPENS TO THEM AFTER THEY DIE?
THEY GET SQUISHED BETWEEN LETTUCE AND TOMATO AND CALLED A B.L.T.
I MEANT MORE IN THE HEAVENLY SENSE.
A B.L.T. CAN BE PRETTY HEAVENLY.

DIS SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE, BOB.
ME SADDEST TOO.
AND ME DO NUTHIN WRONG.
ME DO NUTHIN WRONG NEITHER.
AND NOW WE EES LOSE FREEDOM!
WE EES GOT NO FREEDOM!
I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN BARS ON MY WINDOWS YEARS AGO.
ME WANT LAWYER! ME WANT LAWYER!

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
'GENERAL AUTO PARTS.'
DO YOU LIKE IT THERE?
PRETTY MUCH.
YOU'RE NOT SURE?
I GUESS I LIKE IT IN GENERAL IN GENERAL.
WHAT'D YOU SAY, PRIVATES?
THAT I LIKE IT IN GENERAL IN GENERAL, GENERAL.
STOP

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
FILM SCRIPT. I GOT THREE DIFFERENT PARTS IN THE SAME FILM.
WHAT DO YOU PLAY?
THREE PRIVATES IN THE ARMY.
GEE, THE DIALOGUE'S PRETTY TRITE. WHAT IF I JUST CHANGE A FEW LINES AND—
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY PRIVATE PARTS!
I'LL COME BACK LATER.

HEY, PIG. THIS IS MY FRIEND, SAL. HE WAS IN PRISON FOR KNIFING SOME GUYS, BUT NOW HE'S IN A REHABILITATION PROGRAM WHERE HE TRIES TO LEARN A NEW SKILL.
DOING WHAT?
I'M SUPPOSED TO RAISE CHICKENS, BUT I HEAR THE STUPID THINGS NEVER LISTEN, SO I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TRY.
OH, C'MON. TAKE A STAB AT IT.
THAT DIDN'T END WELL.

HI MOM. HI DAD. I JUST CAME BY TO SAY I WON'T BE BRINGING JIMMY OVER TODAY. I HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO HIS SOCCER GAME.
DIDN'T YOU GO TO HIS LAST SOCCER GAME?
YEAH. I GO TO ALL OF HIS GAMES. I HAVEN'T MISSED ONE IN FOUR YEARS.
HAHAHAHAH
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU MIGHT BE OBSESSIVE.
GET A HOBBY, SHELIE.

WANT TO BUY SOME COOKIES, SIR?
SURE, LIL' SCOUTS. WHAT ARE YOU RAISING MONEY FOR?
TO FIGHT THE DRUG WAR.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
BY PROTECTING OUR TURF AGAINST THE OTHER CARTELS.
I LIKE TO REWARD AMBITION.