Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, DAD?
Mom want ree-new
wedding vows.
So me writing
what me gonna
say.
THAT'S
WONDERFUL,
DAD.
LET'S HEAR
IT.
"Me, Larry,
ees take wife
to have and
to hold..."
"For better or worse,
or much worse,
which ees how
it usually ees."
UH...
DAD.
"But being
meserable
ees okay,
because one
day me die."

DID YOU LOCK YOUR CAR?
YEAH... SEE, IF I PRESS THE LOCK BUTTON A SECOND TIME, IT HONKS TO TELL ME IT'S LOCKED.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU PRESS IT A THIRD TIME?
CHILL, YOU ANAL-RETENTIVE WEIRDO
A FOURTH TIME COULD BE INTERESTING.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOAT?
A TARDIGRADE. THEY'RE MICRO-ANIMALS THAT CAN SURVIVE AND ADAPT TO ANYTHING-- ABSOLUTE ZERO TEMPERATURES, BOILING TEMPERATURES, EXTREMELY HIGH PRESSURE, MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF RADIATION.
SMOOSH
AND YET HE STRUGGLES TO FIGURE OUT THE SHOE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. YOU’RE MISTER BROWN. YOU TAUGHT ME ALGEBRA IN HIGH SCHOOL.
SO?
SO? I HAVE SOME ALGEBRA FOR YOU.
IN THE 7,649 DAYS THAT HAVE PASSED SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, I HAVE NOT USED ALGEBRA ONE @#$%^& TIME.
THAT WASN’T REALLY ALGEBRA.
IT WAS STILL CATHARTIC.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WHY IS WENDY'S CLOSED?
I NEED MY FISSION BURGER.
WE LOST OUR BEST SECURITY GUARD, FRED.
SO UNTIL WE FIND ANOTHER GUY AS GOOD AS FRED,
WE CAN'T RE-OPEN.
BUT WHAT'S SO VALUABLE THAT YOU NEED A SECURITY GUARD?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, WE HAVE SOME VERY
VALUABLE REAMS OF PAPER.
TO KEEP TRACK OF OUR
NUCLEAR FISSION EXPERIMENTS.
WE DO THAT HERE, TOO.
SO WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS NO BURGERS FOR YOU UNTIL YOU DOLTS WANT TO
BE A SECURITY GUARD.
WENDY'S, LET ME IN.
I WAHT TO BE YOUR FRED.
I WANT TO GUARD YOUR REAMS AND FISSIONS.
BABY, I WAS BORN TO PUN.

ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
WHEN IT'S CONVENIENT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHEN I WANT TO JUDGE OTHERS OR FEAR IMPENDING DEATH.
I THINK THAT'S CALLED OPPORTUNISM.
THEN IT'S PATRON SAINT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA?
I'M DESIGNING A LONG BOW WITH A UNIQUE SHAPE. I'M EVEN GETTING CELEBRITY ATHLETES TO PUT THEIR NAME ON IT.
LIKE WHO?
FORMER N.F.L. STARS BO JACKSON AND HOWIE LONG. THEY ALL LIKE ITS UNIQUE OBOING SHAPE. NOW I JUST NEED A NAME FOR IT.
THE BO LONG OBOING LONG BOW?
KEEP ME OUT OF THESE.

OKAY, soumon... First you serve Larry TOFU. Den VEGGIE BURGER. Ees you TRING lose Larry man card forever?
Fine. So tell me, LARRY, what exactly is an acceptable meal for your stupid man card?
Well, you know how at end of movies, it say, No aeenmals was harmed in making of dis film?
YEAH.
HARM SOME AEENMALS!
Here..Do animal crackers count?

Hey, larry, word ees you get caught eating tofu.
Yeah. Dey ees call you TOFU larry.
Stoopid wife serve. But me no eat. Look, she put note in larry lunch to apoleegize.
DEAR LARRY,
ENJOY YOUR VEGGIE BURGER!
Dis look bad, Larry.
Hey, look. Bag fit on head.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WAITING FOR PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL...
IF HE COMES OUT OF HIS HOLE AND SEES HIS SHADOW, THERE ARE SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER. BUT IF HE COMES OUT AND SEES NO SHADOW, IT WILL BE AN EARLY SPRING...
AAAAHHHH!
PHIL!
THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL.

Whuh for dinner,
wottom?
Well, Larry, since
you're unable to
catch a zebra,
we're having tofu.
TOFU?
Dat huge
insult to Larry
manhood.
EAT YOUR TOFU,
LARRY. IT'S NOT
LIKE ANYONE IS
GONNA SEE YOU.
Me turn
in man card
right now.
Hang on.
Me take photo for
Eenstagram.

HEY, STEPHAN, WHEN YOU LIVED IN THE
DORMS IN COLLEGE, DID IT BUG YOU
WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE TALKED ALL
THE TIME ON HIS CELL PHONE?
HE DIDN'T
HAVE ONE.
HE DIDN'T HAVE
ONE?
WHY NOT?
THEY DIDN'T
EXIST.
DIDN'T
EXIST?!
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
WHEN HE SKYPE'D
SOMEONE ON HIS
LAPTOP?
NO
LAPTOPS.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN NO
LAPTOPS? THEN
HOW DID YOU
SKYPE PEOPLE?
NO
SKYPE.
HOW COULD
YOU HAVE
NO SKYPE?
NO INTERNET FOR IT
TO RUN ON.
DUDE,
HOW OLD
ARE YOU?
TECHNOLOGY
MOVED
FAST!
NEED SOME
MAPLE SYRUP
FOR YOUR
LAPPS,
STEPH?

HEY, RAT. WELCOME TO MY COCKTAIL PARTY. CAN I GET YOU A BEVERAGE?
DUDE... TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'BEVERAGE.' JUST SAY 'DRINK' AND STOP BEING A HOITY TOITY FATFACE.
CAN I GET YOU A LIBATION?
CURSE YOUR SNOOTY FATFACE!

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, RAT?
SHOPPING. I GOT A LAZY SUSAN TO PUT ON OUR KITCHEN TABLE.
I'M NOT DOING A GOSH-DARN THING.
SUSAN HAS A VERY BAD ATTITUDE.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
JIM, "THE GUY WHO MAKES BAD
LIFE CHOICES!"
I'D TALK MORE, BUT I HAVE TO
CHEAT ON MY WIFE WITH HER
SISTER AND RIP OFF A BIKER GANG
IN A METHAMPHETAMINE DEAL.
HE'LL BE A SHORT TERM
CHARACTER.

HOW DO MY TEETH LOOK?
NOT GOOD. YOU'RE NOT BRUSHING ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT FLOSSING ENOUGH. YOU'RE NOT COMING INTO THIS OFFICE ENOUGH.
YOU'RE A SAD DISAPPOINTMENT. A REAL PIECE OF G#%#. AND WHY YOU'RE ALLOWED TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS ME CONFOUNDS MY LARGE EGO AND HAIRY FOREARMS.
MUCH BETTER THAN MY LAST APPOINTMENT.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME TO MY DENTIST OFFICE, RAT?
YES.
THEN LET ME TELL YOU HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK.
OKAY.
MY HYGIENIST WILL CLEAN YOUR TEETH. AFTER THAT, I'LL SWOOP IN AND MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE, LAZY, AND DOOMED.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS HONESTY.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO COMMITTED MATRICIDE. SORRY...DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
NO.

Danny Donkey's girlfriend was angry.
ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON THE COUCH AND DRINK BEER.
So she gave him an ultimatum.
YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE AND PURSUE IT OR I'M LEAVING YOU.
"Here," she said, handing him an envelope. "Write down your passion and slip it in here, and in six weeks, we'll open the envelope and see if you've taken any concrete steps towards achieving your passion."
So Danny Donkey thought and thought.
But then nothing.
When the six weeks were up, OH, DANNY, YOU DID NOTHING TO PURSUE YOUR PASSION...THAT'S SO AWFUL...WHAT WAS IT, ANYWAYS?
Danny's girlfriend opened the envelope.
Sit on the couch and drink beer.
Danny's girlfriend left him anyways.
BUT HE PURSUED HIS PASSION!
LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR.
But then again.
BEING LAZY IS NOT A PASSION!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
LYING ON MY BACK WITH A BEER.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE IN THOUSANDS OF YEARS NOTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED WILL BE REMEMBERED, SO YOU CAN KILL YOURSELF TRYING TO ACHIEVE THINGS, OR YOU CAN DO THIS.
THOSE POOR ACHIEVERS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
IT'S THE NEW SMARTPHONE 6. IT JUST CAME OUT TODAY AND IT'S LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF THE 5.
SALE ON SMARTPHONES
SMARTPHONE 7 OUT TOMORRO
ALL NEW FEATURES!
FASTER!
TECH COMPANIES ARE EVIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
THROWING AWAY OUR WATERMELONS. THEY WEIGH TOO MUCH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE REASON I WEIGH SO MUCH IS THAT I EAT FOOD THAT WEIGHS A LOT. SO FROM NOW ON, I'M ONLY GONNA EAT FOOD THAT IS LIGHT.
CHIPS, DONUTS, AND COTTON CANDY.
I'LL BE RAIL THIN IN NO TIME.

STEPHAN, YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE RENEWAL FORM CAME IN THE MAIL. I FILLED IT OUT AND MADE YOU AN ORGAN DONOR.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE I'M GIVING YOU AWAY, PIECE BY PIECE.
OUR MARRIAGE COULD BE HEALTHIER.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, I'LL WAIT 'TIL YOU DIE.

IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO MAKE YOUR FLIGHT MORE COMFORTABLE, PLEASE JUST LET US KNOW.
PLEASE PUT ALL THE BABIES IN A SOUNDPROOF BOX.
THEY NEVER MEAN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, RAT?
THIS STORY ON A LAW THAT THE STATE OF MISSOURI MAY OR MAY NOT PASS.
WHAT'S HOLDING THEM UP?
THEY ONLY WANT TO PASS IT IF OTHER STATES JOIN THEM IN PASSING SIMILAR LAWS AT THE SAME TIME.
MISSOURI LOVES COMPANY.
NO ONE WANTS YOUR COMPANY.