Pearls Before Swine | Search

OKAY, MY NEW SEEING EYE DOG, TIME FOR YOU TO GUIDE ME DOWNTOWN.
RIGHT ON COLLEGE. LEFT ON MENDOCINO. RIGHT ON FOURTH.
SOME GUIDE DOGS ACTUALLY GUIDE.
THOSE WERE GOOD DIRECTIONS, SIR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK... IS THAT YOUR NEW GUIDE DOG?
YEP. TOOK ME HERE TO THE LIBRARY, NO PROBLEM.
SHHH
THAT SEEMS WRONG.

HI, PIG. I'D LIKE CASH TO GO TO VEGAS.
SORRY, FREE-RANGE CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.
THEN SELL SOME POSSESSIONS OR SOMETHING.
WHO ARE YOU?
FRED, FROM THE U.S.D.A. HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IF A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN WANTS TO GO TO VEGAS, HE GETS TO GO TO VEGAS.
WHERE'S THE T.V.?
LONG STORY.

HEY, MAN... NEED TO CRASH YOUR PAD. MET A BABE, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T. THIS IS MY HOUSE.
AND I'M A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.
YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.

HEY, MOBSTER MARTY... HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GOOD. ROBBED A TRUCK. THREATENED A PIZZA SHOP OWNER. BEAT UP A PUNK.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, MARTY. THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL BEHIND YOU.
YEAH. THAT'S MY KID.
IT'S TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.
NEVER MIND.
WHACK HIM, DAD.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A DOCTOR'S BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO A ACCOUNT SUPERVISOR.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO BILLING.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE.
I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
THIS ISN'T BILLING??
NO. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
I NEED BILLING.
I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. IS THIS BILLING?
NO. THIS IS THE MAIN SWITCH-BOARD AGAIN.
I NEED BILLING.
PLEASE HOLD, SIR. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. BILLING?
YES! I NEED BILLING.
Due to heavy call volume, the wait time is approximately...
9 hours.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
HAVING HEALTH CARE IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

IF I WAS EVER DOWN AND OUT AND NEEDED CASH, WOULD YOU BE THERE FOR ME?
IS THERE A FARAWAY PLACE WHERE I CAN DODGE YOUR CALLS?
NEVER MIND.
IF SO, I'D BE WAY, WAY THERE.

STEPHAN'S GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HIS WIFE'S HOUSE TONIGHT.
BUT THEY'RE SEPARATED. SHE WON'T LET HIM IN.
HE'S HOPING SHE WON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
GO AWAY, STEPHAN.

EXCUSE ME, NEIGHBOR BOB, BUT ARE THOSE YOUR FREE RANGE CHICKENS THAT WANDERED INTO OUR GARAGE?
YEAH… WHY?
BECAUSE THEY’RE IN THERE SMOKING SOMETHING I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ON THE COMICS PAGE.
SORRY, MAN. NOTHING I CAN DO. THEY’RE FREE RANGE.
THEY’RE TAKING MY CAR, BOB.
THEY DO ENJOY A GOOD JOYRIDE.

HEY, BOBBY BULL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. GOT A JOB AS A BUILDING CUSTODIAN. I'M PRETTY SUITED FOR IT.
SUITED HOW?

HEY, MAN. PEACE. LOVE. BROTHERHOOD.
YEAH, MAN. GROOVE OUT. DO YOUR THING.
RIGHT ON, BROTHER. BE FREE. FREE LOVE.
FREE YOUR MIND. ROAM. EXPLORE.
FREE RANGE CHICKENS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HEARD YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN SINCE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.
YEAH. I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY ABOUT MYSELF. MAYBE THE FACT THAT I RAISE CHICKENS?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT.
WELL, I WON AN ACADEMY AWARD.
HOLY COWS! YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD TYPE? WOMEN LOVE ALL THAT MOVIE STAR STUFF! WHAT DID YOU WIN IT FOR?
BEST SOUND EDITING.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR CHICKENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M SITTING IN THE 'BOX OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.'
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE? IT'S A BOX FOR PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.
GEE, I'D LIKE TO GET IN, BUT IT LOOKS PRETTY PACKED.
OF COURSE IT'S PACKED. EVERYONE LOVES SUCCESS.
SO WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET INTO THE EMPTY BOX NEXT TO IT?
BECAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT
YAAAY FOR YOU GUYS.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
COLLECTING POSTCARDS OF FAMOUS ART. I KEEP THEM ON MY FRIDGE. I'VE GOT A COUPLE PICASSOS, SOME VAN GOGHS, SOME MANETS.
I LOVE MAYONNAISE.
LET'S START OVER.
BUT I KEEP MINE IN THE FRIDGE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?
I’LL HAVE A BURGER, AND MY FRIEND WILL HAVE SOMETHING SLIMY AND FLAVORLESS THAT COMES IN VERY SMALL PORTIONS AND YET IS SOMEHOW VERY EXPENSIVE.
I’M SORRY?
I’LL HAVE THE OYSTERS.
MUST WE DO THIS EVERY TIME I ORDER OYSTERS?
IT’S THE MOST OVERRATED FOOD IN THE WORLD!!!

WENT TO AN AIR SHOW TODAY AND THEY LET US SEE FIGHTER JETS UP CLOSE. GAVE ME A LOT OF IDEAS.
LET ME GUESS. BUY ONE AND ATTACK YOUR NEIGHBORS.
EJECTOR SEATS FOR ANNOYING GUYS.

HONEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS JUNK OUT HERE?
IT'S FOR THE SALVATION ARMY. I'M HOPING THEY'LL TAKE IT ALL.
WELL, I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING SURROUNDED BY JUNK YOU'RE GIVING AWAY. WHAT IF THEY ACCIDENTALLY TAKE ME?
YOU WOULDN'T.
STOP POUTING. IT LOWERS YOUR VALUE.

SORRY I HAD TO MESS UP YOUR CLEAN DESK YESTERDAY. I JUST THINK AN OVERLY ORGANIZED DESK IS A SIGN OF AN UNBALANCED INDIVIDUAL.
SO WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
CLEAN YOUR DESK.
CAN'T. I'M AFRAID I'LL FIND BODIES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
JUST FINISHED STRAIGHTENING UP THE STUFF ON MY DESK. I LIKE TO HAVE MY WORKSPACE CLEAN AND NEAT.
WE MESSY DESK FOLK RESENT YOU.

WHOSE DRUMMER WAS KEITH MOON?
RIGHT.
WHOSE.
YES.
WHAT'S THE NAME?
WATT IS THE DRUMMER FOR THE ROLLING STONES.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ROLLING STONES. WHOSE DRUMMER IS KEITH MOON?
YOU ARE CORRECT THERE.
WHERE?
WEIR WAS THE GUITARIST FOR THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
WHOA! WHO IS HE RELEVANT?!
HOUSE IS THE GUITARIST FOR A DIFFERENT BAND.
WHO-O?
YES.
NO. YES. WHO'S GUITARIST IS PETE TOWNSHEND.
I KNOW!
THIRD BASE!!
WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE THIS HAT?
WINWOOD'S THE GUITARIST FOR TRAFFIC.

WHAT ARE YOU READING GOAT?
THIS GREAT BIOGRAPHY OF VAN GOGH. IT EXPLAINS ALL ABOUT HIS DEPENDENCE ON HIS BROTHER THEO, HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH GAUGUIN, AND THE FACT THAT HE MIGHT NOT HAVE KILLED HIMSELF. STOP ME IF I'M BORING YOU.
YOU'RE BORING ME.
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RHETORICAL.
MY BOREDOM HAS VERY REAL.

STEPHAN'S WIFE HAS KICKED HIM OUT. HE NOW LIVES ON THE PORCH.
HONEY, IT'S COLD AND DAMP OUTSIDE. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME OUT HERE IN THIS BASKET FOREVER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK I PHRASED THAT WRONG.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO STEPHAN SINCE WE DROPPED HIM OFF IN A BASKET ON HIS WIFE'S PORCH?
HE STILL SLEEPS OUT THERE.
HE SLEEPS OUTSIDE? DOES SHE AT LEAST FEED HIM?
OH, I'M SURE.

REPO MAN HERE.
REPO MAN? I'M NOT BEHIND ON MY CAR PAYMENTS.
NOT HERE FOR YOUR CAR. I'M TAKING BACK YOUR DEMOCRACY. TOO FEW PEOPLE BOTHER TO READ OR STAY INFORMED OR EVEN VOTE. SO OFF IT GOES.
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

I'VE FINALLY STARTED CARPOOLING TO WORK.
I'M AFRAID TO CARPOOL.
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?
I'M AFRAID THE CAR WILL GET TRAPPED IN A TUNNEL, AND WITH ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET OUT.
THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC FEAR. IS THERE A NAME FOR IT?
CARPOOL TUNNEL SYNDROME.
THIS HAS TO STOP.