Pearls Before Swine | Search

Dear My Girlfriend Pigita,
I recently realized that everyone changes.
But I don't want things to change.
I want something good to always be good.
And I want the things I count on to always be there to count on.
So I'm now dating a pizza.
WE'LL SEE HOW SHE RESPONDS.

GIMME.
NO.
HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, DO YOU MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE THEIR WATER BOTTLES?
NOT IF IT'S AN OVERCAST DAY LIKE TODAY.
SO IF IT'S OVERCAST, NO SHARING. BUT IF IT'S SUNNY?
SUNNY AND SHARE.
I GOT YOU, BABE.

THIS POLITICIAN ONLY HAS A YEAR LEFT IN OFFICE AND HE CAN'T GET A SINGLE THING DONE. HE'S A REAL LAME DUCK.
THAT WAS CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I THINK I LEFT THE OVEN ON AT HOME. I GOTTA GO CHECK.
WELL?
NOPE. WASN'T ON. BUT NOW I'M THINKING I LEFT THE BARBEQUE ON. I GOTTA GO.
WELL?
NOT ON. BUT NOW I'M THINKING I LEFT THE IRON ON.
RAT, STOP. YOU'RE OBSESSING. YOU DON'T NEED TO CHECK EVERY LITTLE THING A MILLION TIMES.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL STOP.
OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN.
AHHHHHHHH
BETTER GO CHECK MY OVEN.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH THE SMITHS AND ME TONIGHT? THEY'RE THE ONES WHO JUST GOT MARRIED.
I CAN'T. I NEVER BOUGHT THEM A WEDDING GIFT.
THAT'S OKAY. TRADITION SAYS YOU HAVE A YEAR AFTER THE WEDDING TO GET THEM SOMETHING.
I KNOW, SO IF I WAIT A YEAR AND A DAY, I DON'T HAVE TO GET THEM SQUAT.
I'M BIG ON TRADITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
USING THIS DATING APP. YOU LOOK THROUGH PROFILES OF AVAILABLE WOMEN AND SWIPE RIGHT TO PICK WHICH OF THE ONES YOU'RE WILLING TO DATE.
YOU LIKED ALL 77,000 WOMEN.
THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES.
OH, LOOK. YOU'RE DATING A 90-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN A COMA.

THAT CLINIC DOWNTOWN THAT DID ENEMAS IS FINALLY CLOSING DOWN.
HOW COME?
I GUESS THEY FAILED TO MAKE SOME OF THEIR TAX PAYMENTS.
SO THEIR ENEMA BUSINESS IS IN ARREAR?
PLEASE STOP.
THEIR PAYMENTS WERE BEHIND.
DID THE LANDLORD SAY, NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTTS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M ABOUT TO OPEN A LETTER THAT I WROTE TO MY ADULT SELF YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
AWW... THERE'S SOMETHING SO APPEALING ABOUT THE OPTIMISTIC IDEALISM OF OUR YOUTH. READ IT AND SEE WHAT YOUNG YOU HAD TO SAY TO ADULT YOU.
HAVE YOU FAILED AT EVERYTHING YET?
I TRIED TO BE REALISTIC.

OKAY, RAT. WHY'D YOU INVITE ME TO THIS JAPANESE RESTAURANT?
TO BURY THE HATCHET. I THINK THE TWO OF US HAVE ANTAGONIZED EACH OTHER LONG ENOUGH.
WELL, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT. SO WHAT SHOULD I EAT?
EAT SHIITAKE.
ARRGH!!
NOT A FAN OF MUSHROOMS?

HEY, RAT. DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT CONGRESS?
I COULD CARE LESS.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MISUSE THAT EXPRESSION ALL THE TIME. IT'S ACTUALLY 'I COULDN'T CARE LESS,' BECAUSE IF YOU COULD CARE LESS, IT MEANS YOU ACTUALLY CARE.
I COULD CARE LESS.
THE POOR ENGLIGH LANGUAGE.
US DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE.

HONEY, IT'S A BOY.
ONE SEC.
HIS FIRST STEPS!
WHAT'S THAT NOW?
HE'S RIDING! HE'S RIDING!
TEXT... ALMOST... SENT...
I'M SO PROUD!
UH-HUH.
FRED! OUR SON GOT THE JOB!
SMASH
Fred was a good man. Fred was a--
WELL, THIS IS UPLIFTING.
TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP
I CALL IT 'NEVER LOOK UP... THE STORY OF OUR AGE.'
WHAT'S THAT NOW?

WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
TO DIE IN OBSCURITY, LIKE MY FATHER.
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO MY FATHER.
HE DIDN'T DIE IN OBSCURITY?
NO, HE DIED IN CLEVELAND.
I LOVE THESE DEEP CONVERSATIONS.

I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO THE BASEBALL GAME.
I DID, BUT I GOT KICKED OUT FOR BRINGING ONE OF THOSE BALLS FOR THE CROWD TO KNOCK AROUND.
YOU MEAN A BEACH BALL? PEOPLE LOVE BEACH BALLS.
SIX PEOPLE WERE HOSPITALIZED.

HEY, TENURED PROFESSOR BOB. IS THERE ANY WAY FOR YOUR UNIVERSITY TO FIRE YOU? LIKE WHAT IF YOU TOOK A BOW AND ARROW AND SHOT A COLLEAGUE IN THE BACK?
HOW MANY TIMES?
I SEE.
LESS THAN THREE IS A REAL GRAY AREA.

PARDON ME, CLOWN, BUT A COUPLE OF
THE KIDS WERE SPRAYING EACH OTHER
WITH YOUR SELTZER BOTTLE AND NOW
THEY SAY THEIR EYES BURN... IS IT
BECAUSE OF THE FORCE OF THE SPRAY?
MEBBE. OR MEBBE 'CAUSE DAT WHERE
BARRY KEEP HIS TEQUILA.
PERHAPS YOU
SHOULDN'T BE
AROUND
CHILDREN.
YEAH. DEY
WASTE
GUD
TEQUILA.

HEY, CLOWN, MAKE ME AN ANIMAL BALLOON... MY PARENTS DIDN'T HIRE YOU TO JUST STAND AROUND.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU FAT LITTLE HEAD.
OKAY, KIDS, TIME FOR CAKE.
I'LL KICK YOU IN THE GASPAH, CLOWN.

HEY, CLOWN, DO SOMETHING.
YEAH. YOU'RE BORING.
YEAH, CLOWN, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
You is all unlovable turds.
COULD I HAVE A MINUTE WITH YOU, MR. CLOWN?
Hang on. Me gonna punch little turd.

TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN LIFE?
I GUESS THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY HARD WORK, DRIVE AND INITIATIVE.
AND TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR FAILURES?
MY GENES.
DON'T YOU SEE A BIT OF A DISCONNECT THERE?
KARACCKKK
I COME FROM VIOLENT STOCK.

YOU EVER WONDER WHAT CHARACTER TRAIT YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT AT YOUR FUNERAL SOMETHING YOU'RE REALLY PROUD OF SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO BE KNOWN FOR
PARALLEL PARKING.
SOME WOULD CHOOSE KINDNESS.
GUESS THEY CAN'T PARALLEL PARK.

RAT STARTED A PODCAST IN OUR GARAGE. HE WANTS TO BE LIKE MARC MARON AND DO INTERVIEWS.
WHO'S HE GONNA INTERVIEW?
WELL, SINCE EVERYONE ALWAYS INTERVIEWS FAMOUS PEOPLE, HE THOUGHT HE'D BE DIFFERENT AND INTERVIEW NOBODIES.
LIKE WHO?
SO TELL US YOUR NAME.
YOU KNOW MY NAME.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S SITTING IN HIS ROOM CRYING.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT COVER BROKE OFF THE T.V. REMOTE AND NOW WHEN HE PICKS UP THE REMOTE, THE BATTERIES FALL OUT.
HIS DAY IS EASILY DERAILED.

HEY, BUDDY, DO YOU HAVE A CHARGER I COULD USE? MY E-BOOK BATTERY IS DEAD AND I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO READ.
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T READ BOOKS THAT NEED BATTERIES.
TECHNOPHOBE!
BOOKSTORE KILLER!
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A BOOK LOVER SCORNED.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BURGER PLACE WITH ME?
I CAN’T. THEY GIVE OUT TOO MANY FRENCH FRIES WITH THEIR BURGERS AND I’LL GET FAT.
JUST DON’T EAT THEM ALL.
WHEN ONE HAS FRENCH FRIES PUT IN FRONT OF HIM, ONE CANNOT STOP EATING UNTIL EVERY SINGLE FRENCH FRY HAS BEEN CONSUMED.
NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.
NOT A NEWTONIAN LAW.
A MOUTH IN MOTION TENDS TO STAY IN MOTION.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN PEOPLE SAY SOMETHING IS 'META'?
IT'S WHEN A CREATIVE WORK REFERS TO ITSELF.
WHAT FOR?
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT WITH A METAPHOR. DO YOU KNOW HOW A METAPHOR WORKS?
NO. WHAT'S A META METAPHOR FOR?
WELL, SAY YOU MET A FOUR—
STOP!

JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER FINALLY LISTENED TO ME AND GOT A JOB. WHEN HE GOES TO WORK TODAY, I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM RESPECT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
SURE. MOM. WHAT KIND OF JOB DID HE GET?
YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE A CLOWN AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES. AND HE'S VERY EXCITED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, DAD. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
CUTE LITTLE ANIMAL BALLOONS. SHOW HIM ONE, LARRY.
PHOOO PHOOO
FAT LADY'S REAR END.
ATTITUDE, LARRY!
NO REAR ENDS, DAD.
Okay...Eyes up mudder's beeg mouf.