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LOOKS LIKE THERE'S BEEN A SPATE OF GRAVE ROBBERIES AT THAT OLD CEMETERY DOWNTOWN.
WHY? ARE THEY HOPING TO FIND JEWELRY OR SOMETHING?
I GUESS. WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE RANSACK A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD GRAVE?
Not much meat on bones, Bob.
Is like worst buffet ever.

AND THAT'S HOW MUCH THE WORLD'S FATTEST MAN WEIGHS. I SWEAR.
THAT NUMBER SEEMS TOO HIGH. I'LL JUST LOOK IT UP ON MY SMARTPHONE.
YEP. TOO HIGH.
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN WE COULD BULL#*&G WITH IMPUNITY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
THIS HOMELESS-LOOKING GUY WAS ROAMING DOWN THE STREET WITH A SCYTHE, SO I HAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD TO STOP HIM.
YOU BEAT UP FATHER TIME.
OH, WELL. IT WAS A BAD YEAR ANYWAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, VICTOR THE VEGAN?
FORAGING THE FOREST FLOOR FOR NUTS AND BERRIES, LIVING AS NATURE INTENDED, INSTEAD OF HARMING OTHER CREATURES.
AND THE BEAR WASN'T A VEGAN.

LOOK AT THIS BIG AD FOR TRUCK MUDFLAPS.
WHAT'S A MUDFLAP?
THESE RUBBER SQUARES THAT PROTECT OTHERS FROM THE HARMFUL DEBRIS THE TRUCK STIRS UP AS IT TRAVELS.
CAN WE PUT SOME ON MY MOTHER?
NO.
HER CHRISTMAS VISITS ARE VERY PAINFUL.

I HAVE TO STAY AT A MOTEL THIS WEEK WHILE MY ROOM GETS PAINTED.
A MOTEL? COME STAY AT MY HOUSE.
REALLY?
OF COURSE. FOLLOW ME.
...SO THIS IS THE THERMOSTAT. BUT TRY NOT TO USE THE HEAT. I'M TRYING TO SAVE ENERGY.
AND THIS IS YOUR ROOM. IT HAS A TV, BUT IF IT'S TOO LOUD, I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM.
AND THE BATHROOM'S IN THERE, BUT TRY TO TAKE QUICK SHOWERS. I LIKE TO SAVE WATER.
AND HERE'S THE KITCHEN, BUT DON'T THROW ANYTHING OUT, 'CAUSE EVERYTHING HAS ITS OWN RECYCLING BIN.
SO THAT'S IT, BUDDY. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BILL... HE
MAY HAVE KILLED A MAN, BUT IT'S
OKAY BECAUSE THE COPS SAY HE'S
A REALLY INTERESTING PERSON.
PERSON-OF-INTEREST.
I WAS CLOSE.

I KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. WHERE I TRAVEL. WHAT I SEE. WHERE I LIVE. BUT NONE OF IT MAKES ME ANY HAPPIER.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHEREVER I GO, THERE I STILL AM.
I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING SANTA'S REINDEER. THEY'RE DOING THEIR BUSINESS ALL OVER OUR FRONT LAWN.
AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA USE THE POOPER SCOOPER...
SANTA CAN BE SO VINDICTIVE.

GREETINGS! WE’RE SANTA’S LITTLE ELVES! CAN WE COME INSIDE AND GIVE YOU THIS YEAR’S GIFTS?
SANTA’S ELVES? OF COURSE!
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I GUESS SOMEONE HASN’T VERY GOOD THIS YEAR.

WELL, HELLO LITTLE FELLO. AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS YEAR?
YOU SHORTED ME ON GIFTS LAST YEAR, SANTA. SO I'M GONNA TOVAH HARDING YOUR NANCY KERRIGAN LITTLE @#%*.
YOU'RE GONNA WHAT N OWWW
AND THEY WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CANDY CANE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE MALL TO SEE SANTA.
WELL, THAT'S SWEET. TO ASK HIM FOR SOMETHING NICE?
TO BEAT HIM FOR LAST YEAR'S SNUB.
NEVER WRITE A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

BOMBAST CABLE, CAN I HELP YOU.
I'D LIKE TO CANCEL CABLE.
WHAT? WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.
I'M JUST HERE TO CANCEL.
ARE YOU UNSATISFIED WITH YOUR SERVICE?
YES.
WHY ARE YOU UNSATISFIED?
BECAUSE YOU WON'T CANCEL ME.
MAYBE I CAN HELP.
YOU CAN HELP BY CANCELING ME.
BUT THEN YOU DIDN'T ASK.
CANCEL ME.
I DON'T HAVE TO.
I'LL HAVE TO SEE IF I CAN FIX YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM. CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE IF I CAN ME YOU.
NO! CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
I SAID CANCEL ME.
BEFORE YOU DO THAT, THERE IS A TRAINED NINJA ASSASSIN JUST OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A USE FOR YOUR CUSTOM RETENTION PROGRAM.
CABLES CANCELED.

I WANT TO QUIT THIS NEW JOB I JUST TOOK AND TELL EVERYONE TO SHOVE IT.
YOU KNOW, WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CAREER, YOU SHOULD NEVER BURN YOUR BRIDGES.
I BLEW UP MINE LIKE IT'S THE END OF 'BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI'.
NO ONE WILL GET THAT REFERENCE.
GOOGLE IT, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
I'VE BEEN WRITING DOWN ALL MY LIFE'S GOALS. IT HAS REALLY HELPED ME TO ACHIEVE THEM.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. WHAT HAVE YOU ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR?
Write list titled 'Goals'.
GOALS
IT'S BEEN SLOW PROGRESS SINCE.

LOOK, STEPH, I FOUND A COPY OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK. SAYS YOU WERE ON THE SPEECH TEAM, THE DEBATE TEAM, AND THE CROSS COUNTRY TEAM, WHICH RAISES AN IMPORTANT QUESTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
HOW DID YOU FIGHT ALL THE GIRLS OFF?
I MADE CROSS COUNTRY COOL, DARN IT!
YOU LOOKED LIKE A BROOMSTICK WITH GLASSES.

I HAVE A LARGE BRAIN, AND IT'S BEEN CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN THAT THOSE WITH LARGER BRAINS ARE SMARTER THAN THOSE WITH SMALLER BRAINS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YES, IT IS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE SOMETHING IS TRUE WHENEVER YOU SAY, "IT'S BEEN CONCLUSIVELY PROVEN."
THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.
HEY, IN AN AGE WHERE NO ONE READS, IT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

HEY, VICTOR THE VEGAN.
HOW GOES IT?
I CONDEMN THEE FOR PUTTING HONEY ON YOUR TOAST.
HONEY IS AN ANIMAL PRODUCT AND YOU ARE SCUM.
SAID VICTOR WHILE SITTING ON A LEATHER DINER STOOL.
FORGIVE ME, GREAT COW IN THE SKY!
CAN HE SQUIRT SOME MILK IN MY COFFEE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
READING ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHY. I DO IT WHEN LIFE GETS A BIT OVERWHELMING AND I NEED ANSWERS.
I HAVE A PHILOSOPHY I TURN TO IN TIMES LIKE THAT, TOO.
OH, YEAH? WHICH ONE?
EAT GALLON OF ICE CREAM.
IT'S INTELLECTUALLY SOUND.

RAT'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM
If elected President of the United States,
I, Rat, will buy 7,000,000,000 drones.
That is the number of people on earth.
Each drone will keep an eye on one person.
Monitoring everything that person does.
And listening in on every phone call.
And if that person does something displeasing, the drone will address the situation.
P.S. I will control all the drones.
I DON'T THINK I'LL VOTE FOR YOU.
YOUR DRONE WILL BE VERY AGGRESSIVE.
I'M EATING BREAKFAST, DRONE!

BOMBFAST CABLE
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I TRIED CALLING YOU MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY AND YOU WERE CLOSED EACH TIME. I THOUGHT YOUR TECH SUPPORT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.
IT IS. AND THAT DAY IS THURSDAY. BWAAHAHAHAHAA
IS IT ME, OR IS THE CABLE COMPANY GETTING MORE EVIL?

OH NO. THE LITTLE KNOB ON MY WATCH BROKE.
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I MOVED IT TWO HOURS AHEAD WHEN I WENT TO TEXAS. NOW I'M BACK IN CALIFORNIA AND I NEED TO CHANGE THE TIME BACK.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? YOU DON'T WANT THE TIME ON YOUR WATCH TO BE WRONG.
GUESS I HAVE TO MOVE TO TEXAS.
THERE'S NO PROBLEM HE CAN'T SOLVE.

WHY DOES STEPHAN LIE IN THE SUN SO MUCH
BECAUSE HE USED TO BE A REPTILE.
I WAS A LAWYER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE AGAIN?
REPTILES DON'T BILL HOURLY.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS HORSEMAN FROM SOUTHERN RUSSIA? I GUESS HE'S GOING AROUND RAMMING PEOPLE WITH HIS TAILBONE. HE'S KNOCKED OUT SIX PEOPLE.
WAIT... WHAT HAPPENED?
THIS COSSACK'S COCCYX CLOCKED SIX.
GET HIM.

BEHOLD! I AM VICTOR THE VEGAN, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO DARE TO USE ANIMAL PRODUCTS!
BEHOLD! I AM JEF THE CYCLIST, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO ARE LAZY AND WEAK!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR HAVING A LEATHER SEAT ON THY BIKE!!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR BEING A SKINNY RUNT OF A MAN!!
IT'S NOT PRETTY WHEN TWO SUPERIOR RACES MEET.
I PUNCH THEE FOR WEARING SPANDEX!