Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
A LITTLE THOUGHT EXERCISE.
YOU WRITE DOWN EACH OF THE THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE ON THESE LITTLE CARDS. THEN YOU ELIMINATE ONE CARD AT A TIME UNTIL YOU GET TO THE ONE THING THAT'S MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU.
WHAT'S YOURS?
WOW. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH. HERE. TAKE SOME CARDS AND TRY IT YOURSELF.
CHEESE
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T HAVE THESE DISCUSSIONS.
CHEESE CONQUERS ALL.

IF YOU COULD ELIMINATE ONE MALADY FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH, WHAT WOULD IT BE? :)
UNDERWEAR LABELS. THEY ANNOY THE @#$% OUT OF ME.
PERHAPS THINK MORE BROADLY.
FINE. SHIRT LABELS TOO.

LET’S CHANGE THE CHANNEL. I DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW.
I CAN’T FIND THE REMOTE.
OH, GOD. WHAT DO WE DO?
I KNOW.
THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.

HEY, CRASH TEST GUY. HOW'S WORK?
GOOD. BEEN MAKING A LOT OF PROGRESS LATELY. REALLY LEARNING THE JOB.
TERRIFIC. DO YOU THINK YOUR PROGRESS WILL CONTINUE?
NO. AT SOME POINT I'LL HIT A WALL.
THEY SHOULD USE YOU INSTEAD.

I SAT IN TRAFFIC FOR TWO HOURS THIS AFTERNOON. AS I DO EVERY DAY.
SO?
SO I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.
WHAT'S THAT?
COOL IT WITH THE BABIES!!!
FEEL BETTER?
SCREAMING IS THE NEXT BEST THING TO SOLVING PROBLEMS.

PIG REALLY HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER.
WHAT KIND OF CHIP?
COW CHIP. I FELL ASLEEP IN THE PASTURE.
YOU JUST KEEP GETTING CLASSIER.

COME TO OUR DEALERSHIP AND
CHECK OUT OUR TERRIFIC SELECTION
OF PRE-OWNED VEHICLES.
IT'S CALLED A USED CAR!!
I CAN'T TAKE
IT ANYMORE.
THE SANITATION ENGINEER IS AT THE DOOR. HE SAYS YOU CALLED HIM A GARBAGEMAN.

SO WHAT’D SHE SAY?
AND WHAT’D HE SAY?
I’M IN CONTINENT!!
HA HA HA HA HA
HEEEEEEEE! HEE HEE
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN SO IMPRESSED…
SHE DID BUY HIM DIAPERS.

I'VE DETERMINED THAT THE INTERNET IS BESIEGED BY PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO VENT ANONYMOUSLY.
SO?
SO TO MAKE THE INTERNET A KINDER PLACE, I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE THOSE PEOPLE AN ALTERNATIVE VENUE.
'MAD MEN' SUCKS AFTER SEASON FIVE.!!
NOT AS SATISFYING.
SHOUT LOUDER.

I THINK I JUST DID THE BEST WRITING OF MY LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, GOAT. POST IT ON THE INTERNET FOR ALL THE NICE PEOPLE TO SEE.
GOOD IDEA.
MEH
Embarrassing
TRY MUCH??
#%&!$ you, poser.
YOU SUCK, BRO
DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!!!!!!
Crap
WHAT THE
I’VE MET NICER PEOPLE IN A PRISON RIOT.
OH, YEAH. PRISONS MUCH FRIENDLIER.

And dat when mom ees grow tiny leetle paws, like hamster paws.
REALLY?
Reely. So small dey call dem "mini" paws. And dat how it get its name.
THAT IS
NOT WHAT
MENOPAUSE IS.
HELP.
Tomorrow me teach you 'bout hot flushes.

REMEMBER THE STORY ABOUT THAT RIP VAN WINKLE GUY WHO FALLS ASLEEP AND WAKES UP IN THE FUTURE?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE IT JUST HAPPENED TO ME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WENT TO SLEEP AND WHEN I WOKE UP, IT WAS TWENTY MINUTES LATER!
HIS BRAIN SHOULD BE STUDIED.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HELICOPTER PARENTS"?
NO. WHAT ARE THEY?
THEY'RE THESE PARENTS NOWADAYS WHO HOVER CONSTANTLY OVER THEIR CHILDREN AND SWOOP IN QUICKLY WHENEVER THERE'S A PROBLEM.
MY PARENTS WERE MORE LIKE A DERAILED TRAIN.
I SEE.
BUT THE CRASHES WERE SPECTACULAR.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON THE ASSASSINATION OF GARFIELD.
ALL THE LASAGNA HE'LL NEVER EAT!!!
JAMES GARFIELD. PRESIDENT.
OH, WHO CARES ABOUT HIM?

HALL OF STATE MOTTOS
WYOMING
Equal rights.
OHIO
With God, all things are possible!
TEXAS
*Friendship*
RHODE ISLAND
HOPE!
NEW HAMPSHIRE
LIVE FREE OR DIE!!!
NEVER END YOUR STATE MOTTO TOUR WITH NEW HAMPSHIRE.
THEY'RE A SCARY PEOPLE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?
DO YOU HAVE WARM BEAVERS GETTING OLDER?
WHAT’S THAT?
I DUNNO, BUT RIGHT HERE YOU OFFER A WARM BEAVER THAT AGES.
'WARM BEVERAGES.'
THAT DOESN'T SOUND NEARLY AS INTERESTING.

HEY, PIG… ANY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR?
JUST THIS NEW ‘EAT WHAT YOU WANT’ DIET.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
YOU GET FAT.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW A LOT ABOUT NUTRITION.

YOU KNOW THAT CUTE FAMILY PORTRAIT SOME PEOPLE TAKE NOWADAYS WHERE EACH OF THEM DRESSES UP IN MATCHING CLOTHES?
YEAH. WHY?
IT MAKES ME SICK.
I HATE WHEN I AGREE WITH YOU.
CONGRESS, DO SOMETHING!

HEY, WAS THAT YOU WHO JUST DROVE BY ME
IN A GRAY HONDA ACCORD?
YEAH. BUT I SLOWED DOWN
AND GAVE YOU THE RIGHT OF WAY.
YOU DIDN'T BOW.
CYCLISTS ARE FASCISTS IN TIGHT PANTS.

DUDE... WHATS THAT ON YOUR HEAD?
IT'S CALLED A TOP KNOT, YOU MORON. AND IT'S VERY HIP.
SNIP
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAVE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES.

I'M TRAINING FOR A MARATHON, PIG, AND I NEED YOU TO KEEP TRACK OF MY TIMES ON THIS SHEET, BUT THERE'S NOT MUCH SPACE, SO ABBREVIATE.
SURE. DO YOU WANT 'HRS' FOR HOURS?
YES, AND DO AN ABBREVIATION FOR SECONDS ALSO.
OKAY. DO YOU WANT 'SECS'?
RUNNERS HAVE VERY SHORT TEMPERS.

Meh.
The composition is jejune at best.
And is it neo-Marxist or a self-conscious parody of neo-Marxism?
I'd say it fails on both counts.
At best, I'd say we're looking at postmodern blather.
Neither avant-garde nor revelatory in its scope.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE WRITING A GUIDE TO PARENTING.
BUT LITTLE KIDS NEED GUIDANCE.
HEY, KID, DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY HAMSTER LATELY. ALL HE DOES IS SPEND HIS ENTIRE DAY ENGAGED IN HIS HAMSTER BALL.
ISN'T THAT JUST HOW THEY HAVE FUN?
I'M AVOIDING EBOLA.
THESE ARE DARK TIMES.
NOBODY SNEEZE.

THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND NOT ENOUGH SPACE FOR US ALL, SO WE FIGURED OUT A SOLUTION---GOING UP.
BUILDING MORE MULTI-STORY HOUSING?
PUTTING SMALL PEOPLE ON THE BACKS OF BIG PEOPLE.
HONEY, I'LL BE LATE FOR DINNER TONIGHT, FRED'S WALKING SLOW.
I SEE ISSUES WITH THAT.
WELL, OF COURSE HE'S GONNA EAT WITH US. I LIVE ON HIM NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, RAT! HERE'S YOUR GIFT.
THANKS.
GEE, NOT TO MAKE THIS AWKWARD, BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WAS A GIFT EXCHANGE.
IT IS.
I GO TO THE STORE AND EXCHANGE YOUR GIFT FOR SOMETHING BETTER.
YOU WOULDN'T.
WELL, NOT IF YOU BOUGHT BETTER GIFTS.