Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'VE FINALLY STARTED CARPOOLING TO WORK.
I'M AFRAID TO CARPOOL.
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?
I'M AFRAID THE CAR WILL GET TRAPPED IN A TUNNEL, AND WITH ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET OUT.
THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC FEAR. IS THERE A NAME FOR IT?
CARPOOL TUNNEL SYNDROME.
THIS HAS TO STOP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, STEPH?
THIS COMPANY IS OFFERING TO BEAM ANY MESSAGE YOU WANT TO MARS. BUT I ONLY HAVE 'TIL NOVEMBER 15 TO GIVE IT TO THEM.
WRITE SOMETHING PROFOUND!
SOMETHING ETERNAL!
SOMETHING BRILLIANT!
SOMETHING DEEP!
THINK SHAKESPEARE! PLATO! EINSTEIN! DA VINCI!
I like beer.
THAT'S OUR MESSAGE TO MARS?
YOU RUSHED ME!
MARS WILL BE SO IMPRESSED.

HEY, BOB AND BETTY BLUEBIRD, HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. WE'RE FORMING A GROUP DEDICATED TO ANTI-VIOLENCE. HERE. YOU CAN HAVE ONE OF OUR HATS.
WOW. THANK YOU. HOW COME YOU'RE FORMING A GROUP?
BECAUSE WE'RE TIRED OF ALL THE VIOLENCE IN THE WORLD. ALL THE WARS. ALL THE KILLING. IT PAINS US GREATLY AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.
THAT'S GREAT.
YES, BUT THERE'S LOTS TO DO. TODAY, WE HAVE TO GET OUR POSTERS MADE AND THEN GO AND GET THEM SHIPPED.
HMM. IF YOU GO TO THE SHIPPING PLACE DOWNTOWN, THEY CAN DO BOTH THOSE THINGS. THEN YOU CAN KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
IT WAS SAD WHEN THEY TOOK THE HAT BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PHYSICIST PHIL?
I'M CONDUCTING A DOUBLE BLIND REVIEW OF A FELLOW PHYSICIST'S PAPER.
WHERE IS THE STUPID THING?
I'VE GOT IT! WAIT...THIS IS A NAPKIN.
SHOULD WE SET A ROOM ASIDE FOR THE HATE MAIL?
THAT WOULD BE WISE.

IF I RAN A BUSINESS, I WOULD SCHEDULE NOTHING BUT MEETINGS.
TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE COMMUNICATES?
TO SPREAD BLAME AND HEAR MYSELF TALK.
APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MEETINGS.

WE NEED TO HAVE AN HONEST, INTELLECTUAL EXCHANGE ABOUT A TRAUMATIC ASPECT OF OUR CHILDHOOD THAT NONE OF US EVER TALKS ABOUT.
SURE. THAT'S OFTEN THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING. WHAT IS IT?
THE SHARPENER ON THE CRAYON BOX NEVER WORKED.
IT MADE THINGS WORSE!
WHAT AN INTELLECTUAL EXCHANGE.
IT LEFT THE @#$%* THINGS STUMPY!!

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
VISITING MY FRIEND, BOB. THE POOR GUY HAS A LOT OF SKELETONS IN HIS CLOSET.
HE HAS A LOT OF SHAMEFUL PARTS OF HIS LIFE THAT HE DOESN'T WANT EXAMINED?
HE HAS A HALLOWEEN STORE THAT WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.
YOU REALLY JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

IT TOOK ME AND FAT FINGERS FOREVER TO FIND A PARKING SPACE TODAY. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HE HAS ONE OF THOSE DISABLED PLACARDS ON HIS CAR.
WHAT'S HIS DISABILITY?
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YOU TRY TEXTING WITH FAT FINGERS.

HEY, GOAT. THIS IS MY FRIEND, FAT FINGERS.
OH, YEAH. I THINK I GOT A TEXT FROM HIM.
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TEXTS ARE TOUGH FOR FAT FINGERS.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
SHOPPING FOR A WARM JACKET.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING WITH FUR, 'CAUSE THAT'S CRUEL TO ANIMALS LIKE FOXES AND RABBITS.
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GET LEATHER, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ANY COWS.
SO WHAT'D YOU GET?
JUST A GOOD OL' BIG PUFFY JACKET.
THAT'S DOWN.
SO?
SO SCREW YOU, FATTY.
MAYBE I'LL JUST KNIT A SWEATER.

WHAT A TERRIBLE DAY. YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS.
NO. YOU GOTTA HEAR ABOUT MY TERRIBLE DAY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, LIFE'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
THEN WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ABOUT.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
NO, REALLY. YOU'VE STUMPED ME.

LOOK, RAT... I FIXED OUR FILING CABINET... BEFORE, IT ONLY LET YOU OPEN ONE DRAWER AT A TIME. NOW YOU CAN OPEN BOTH.
THUD
I THINK I PREFER THE OLD WAY.

CAN I BORROW THE NEWSPAPER? I LIKE TO BE SURE TO READ THE OBITUARIES EVERY DAY.
AWWW... TO SEE IF ANYONE YOU LOVE HAS PASSED AWAY?
TO SEE WHO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE.
ALMOST A TOUCHING MOMENT.
FRED'S GONE!

THE GUY BEHIND ME
IS THE BAR'S NEW
BOUNCER. HE'S A
REAL BRUISER.
WHY
DO YOU
SAY
THAT?
I BRUISE EASILY.
AND YOU SHOULD SEE HIM CRY.

GOAT! COME QUICK! I'VE HIT A GUSHER!!
HOLY SMOKES, YOU STRUCK OIL! YOU'RE GONNA BE RICH!
OIL? OIL IS NOTHING COMPARED TO--
PRINTER CARTRIDGE INK!!!
THE MOST OVERPRICED SUBSTANCE ON EARTH!!
TAKE THAT, H.P.!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE 'WINDOW TO THE FUTURE'. I INVENTED IT. YOU LOOK THROUGH IT AND SEE ALL THE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU OVER THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IT'S PROBABLY BEST NOT TO KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
RORSCHACH TESTS.
OH. WHERE YOU SHOW INK BLOTS TO PEOPLE AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY SEE?
YES. NOW SHUT UP. OKAY PIG, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
I GUESS I JUST SEE FAILURE. LIKE SOMETHING THAT HAS GONE TERRIBLY WRONG. SHOW ZEBRA.
I DON'T KNOW...IT JUST MAKES ME SAD. WHAT DOES GOAT SEE?
I SEE SOMETHING MORE PATHETIC THAN SAD. SHOW STEPHAN...
WONDER WHAT HE SAW.

HEY, PIG. HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE?
I TRY TO SEE EVERYONE AS THE LITTLE KID THEY ONCE WERE.
THAT'S BRILLIANT. ARE YOU ALWAYS ABLE TO DO THAT?
NOT ALWAYS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WANT TO TRY OUT MY LATEST INVENTION, THE "FORTHRIGHT-OMETER"? I ASK YOU A QUESTION AND IT TELLS ME WHETHER OR NOT YOUR ANSWER IS WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I THINK? YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO.

HEY, GOAT. I'M TAKING A CLASS TO IMPROVE MY SPELLING. MIND QUIZZING ME ON THESE WORDS?
SURE. BUT TURN AROUND SO YOU CAN'T SEE THE WORDS.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
OKAY...THE FIRST WORD IS 'SOB.'
S-O-B
HE CAN BE SO MOODY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SOME MOM HIRED HIM TO DO FACE PAINTING AT HER SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
OH, KIDS LOVE THAT. HAS HE DONE IT BEFORE?
NO. WHY?
I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.

I HEARD YOU'RE SUBMITTING AN APPLICATION TO BECOME A SAINT. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE BASED ON. :)
I LET A WOMAN WITH ONE ITEM GO AHEAD OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
WAIT A MINUTE. I WAS THERE THAT DAY. YOU SAID YOU DID IT BECAUSE SHE WAS HOT AND YOU WERE HOPING THAT SHE'D TALK TO YOU.
HAVE SOME MONEY FROM THE CHURCH BASKET.
SAINTS DON'T BRIBE.

HEY FATHER GUS, HOW DOES THE CHURCH DECIDE WHO GETS TO BECOME A SAINT?
IT’S A COMPLICATED PROCESS. WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE I LET A WOMAN BUYING ONE ITEM CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
I DON’T THINK THAT’S ENOUGH.
I RECYCLED A BEER BOTTLE ONCE.

WHOA... PIG LEFT A LOAD OF CASH JUST SITTING ON THIS TABLE.
I COULD SURE USE IT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
TAKE IT, RAT!
TAKE IT!
PIG WON'T KNOW.
POOF
OH MY GOODNESS. YOU'RE THE DEMON ON MY SHOULDER. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ALLURING?
SO IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST?
DO IT, RAT.
DO IT!
NO. NO... SURELY THERE'S AN ANGEL ON MY OTHER SHOULDER.
ONE WHO ENCOURAGES ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
AND IS EQUALLY HOT!
EQUALLY ALLURING!
POOF
UH... DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DO A MISERABLE JOB.
WHOA. SHE'S HOT.
GET BACK, FATTY.

I KEEP ASKING NEIGHBOR BOB TO PLEASE STOP TAKING OUR LAWNMOWER WITHOUT PERMISSION, BUT HE JUST DOESN'T LISTEN.
DUDE, STOP BEING SO NICE. THROW IN SOME COLORFUL LANGUAGE.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY HELPFUL.
IT'S INTIMIDATING. TRY IT.
PLEASE STOP USING OUR RED LAWNMOWER TO CUT YOUR GREEN GRASS.