Pearls Before Swine | Search

CAN I PLEASE TALK TO PIG : )
HI, PIG... I HAVE YOUR TEST RESULTS.
OH MY GOODNESS, THEY'RE NEGATIVE?
THEY'RE NEGATIVE.
OH, GAH... NOOOooo... HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT : (
RELAX, PIG. IT'S A POSITIVE THING.
NEGATIVE IS POSITIVE?
THEN WHAT'S A POSITIVE RESULT?
A NEGATIVE THING.
POSITIVE IS NEGATIVE?
YES.
ARE YOU SURE?
OH, GAHDD.... NOOOOO... HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
NEXT TIME, YOU CALL HIM.
YOU LIVED A GOOD LIFE, DOC.

HEY THERE, PIG. DID YOU HEAR I’M GONNA HAVE A SHOW OF MY WORK AT A CARTOON ART MUSEUM? NOW I JUST HAVE TO WRITE A BRIEF ARTIST’S STATEMENT EXPLAINING MY WORK AND OUTLINING MY ARTISTIC VISION.
HERE. TRY THIS.
I suck.
PERHAPS I’LL WRITE MY OWN.
IT IS BRIEF.
HANG ON... I WANT TO ADD SOME EXCLAMATION POINTS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S TRUE THAT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER?
NO.
TOGETHERNESS MAKES THE HEART MORE ANNOYED.
NEVER WRITE GREETING CARDS.
THE KEY TO TOGETHERNESS IS NOT BEING TOGETHER.

DO YOU KNOW ANY OF THE NINE JUSTICES ON THE SUPREME COURT?
ONE.
WHO?
DIANA ROSS.
SHE'S A SUPREME.
I KNOW... BUT I CAN'T NAME THE OTHER EIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
A DOCUMENTARY TITLED "WORLD'S GREATEST MYSTERIES."
DO THEY EXPLAIN WHY MY HONDA ACCORD'S SPEEDOMETER GOES UP TO 160 MILES PER HOUR?
NO.
PERHAPS I'M DRIVING TOO SLOW TO THE GROCERY STORE.

Life Goals Questionnaire
On a scale of zero to 100, how important is money to you?
100
On a scale of zero to 100, how hard are you willing to work for that goal?
Zero
I THINK I'VE FOUND THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEMS.

LARRY! SOMEONE HACKED INTO OUR ONLINE BANK ACCOUNT AND TRANSFERRED MONEY OUT OF IT!
AGAIN?
YES! AGAIN, LARRY! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THE PASSWORD TO SOMETHING MORE SECURE.
Me did. It no longer my birthday.
WHAT IS IT NOW?
"LARRY."
I THINK THEY CAN FIGURE THAT OUT, LARRY!!
GRRRR. Dey so clever.

LONELY LINDY LOVED BROCK.
SO SHE WENT ON FACEBOOK TO FIND OLD HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES.
AND LOOKED UP THE SKINNY DEBATE GEEK AND THE PIMPLY DRAMA DORK AND THE SWEATY YEARBOOK EDITOR...
AND BROCK.
HIGH SCHOOL QUARTERBACK. BLOND-HAIRED STUD AND MUSCLED ADONIS. BROCK'S PICTURE WAS THE LOGO OF THE DETROIT LIONS.
HE MUST HAVE GONE ON TO BE A PRO QUARTERBACK COS BROCK HAD A FACEBOOK MESSAGE.
"HI, I'M LINDY," SHE SAID. "I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOU. WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO GET COFFEE?" AND TO HER SURPRISE, BROCK SAID YES.
THE DAY OF THE MEETING, LINDY MADE HERSELF AS BEAUTIFUL AS POSSIBLE FOR HER HIGH SCHOOL ADONIS.
WHO SHOWED UP AN HOUR LATE.
"OH, SORRY. WAS GAMBLING ON THE PONIES. YOU LINDY?"
LINDY DELETED HER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT AND SET FIRE TO HER COMPUTER.
DON'T LOOK BACK. SOMEWHERE, MIGHT BE CHANGING ON YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?

I GOT A JOB WRITING SCHOLARLY FILM CRITICISM. CHECK OUT MY FIRST MOVIE REVIEW.

Someone should hit the director with a stick.

I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I DUNNO. I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

I'M STAYING AT A CHARMING LITTLE BED AND BREAKFAST NEXT WEEK.
WHAT'S A BED AND BREAKFAST?
WELL, THEY VARY, OF COURSE, BUT IN GENERAL, THEY'RE ---
SOME WEIRDO'S HOUSE WHERE YOU EAT WITH STRANGERS AND SOMETIMES FIND THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM.
I NEED MY BATHROOM ALONE-TIME!
THEY'RE NOT IN YOUR BATHROOM.
IT'S LIKE HELL, BUT WITHOUT THE FLAMES.

LISTEN, GOAT, I'VE TAKEN TO
HEART WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT
LEADING A MORE EXCITING,
FULFILLING LIFE.
GOOD FOR YOU, TIMMY THE
TORTOISE. HAVE YOU DECIDED
TO FINALLY COME OUT OF
YOUR SHELL AND SEE THE
WORLD? MEET NEW PEOPLE?
HAVE SOME ADVENTURES?
SATELLITE
T.V. IS
NOT —
PIPE
DOWN.
SPORTSCENTER'S
ON.

HOLA, PIG. YOU WANT ME TO THROW AWAY THIS 'MENTOS' WRAPPER?
ONE MOMENT, PEDRO. I'M ON THE PHONE.
QUÉ?
ONE MOMENT. I WANT TO KEEP IT. IT'S A REMINDER OF A SERIES OF GREAT DATES I'VE BEEN HAVING, AND I WANT TO KEEP THE GOOD LUCK GOING.
QUÉ?
UN MOMENTO... IT'S A MENTOS MOMENTUM MEMENTO.
TÚ ERES UN IDIOTA.

SO, TIMMY THE TORTOISE, WHAT'S THE REAL REASON YOU DON'T COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL?
THE WORLD'S A DANGEROUS PLACE, AND IF I DON'T COME OUT OF MY SHELL, I CAN LIVE A LONG LIFE.
BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING A LONG LIFE IF THE LIFE ITSELF IS SPENT IN A SHELL?
PARDON ME WHILE I EAT SOME LETTUCE AND CRY.

HEY, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, TIMMY THE TORTOISE.
DOES HE COME OUT OF HIS SHELL?
NO.
WHY NOT?
HURT BY A GIRL IN '79.
HE'S TERRIBLE AT PARTIES.

I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING TONIGHT.
I HAD SOME WARM MILK. I READ A RELAXING BOOK.
I HAVE THE ROOM TEMPERATURE PERFECT. I HAVE A MASK FOR MY EYES.
I HAVE MY WHITE NOISE MAKER. I HAVE MY COMFY SHEETS.
AND NOW I CAN TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
CLICK
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE GHOST OF ALL THE THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG TOMORROW...
BUT I HAVE MY WARM MILK AND COMFY SHEETS.
GLUG GLUG GLUG
MOVE OVER. I HAVE LOTS TO TELL YOU.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT A CORPORATION IS A SOULLESS ENTITY DESIGNED SOLEY FOR THE ACCUMULATION OF MONEY, WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE EFFECT IT MAY HAVE ON HUMAN LIFE.
IF YOU FEEL SO STRONGLY, YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL INCORPORATE.
PLEASE GET YOUR FOOT OFF MY HEAD.
LOOK...I'M PRACTICING STEPPING ON THE LITTLE GUY.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, ZEBRA?
IT'S A GRANITE STONE I'VE INSTALLED AS A TRIBUTE TO ALL THE ZEBRAS KILLED BY CROCODILES. BUT I'M THINKING I MIGHT WANT TO MOVE IT.
WHY WOULD YOU MOVE IT? IT LOOKS PRETTY THERE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD MOVE IT.
Hey, dat look like gud place rest my beer.

HEY RAT, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR JUDGE'S BENCH?
I TILTED IT TO SHOW THAT THE SCALES OF JUSTICE ARE NOT BALANCED IN MY COURTROOM, BUT ARE INSTEAD SUBJECT TO MY PREJUDICES AND WHIMSY.
WHHEEE
WE SHOULD AVOID JUSTICE.

Don't you ees hate guys come bar wid
fancee jacket, fancee watch, like beeg show-off?
Oh, me so hate. Like, why you need show off?
You ees like beeg heepocrite, Larry.
Whoa. Who put dat dere?

JUDGE RAT IN SESSION
COUNSEL, LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, NO ONE LIKES TO HEAR A LAWYER TALK, SO KEEP YOUR SPEECHES SHORT, OR THIS COURT WILL CALL IN FRIENDLY KITTY.
WHO IS FRIENDLY KITTY?
IT'S A BIT OF A MISNOMER.

Okay, woomun... Me turn 47, but me still no leave mark een life. So me use savings estabeesh someting dat last.
YOU USED OUR SAVINGS?? TO ESTABLISH WHAT? A BUSINESS? A CHARITY?
Ees much more sateseefying den charity.

HEY, PIG. YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS GREAT ELVIS SONG WITH ME.
CAN'T. I GOT A JOB WRITING HEADLINES FOR A NEWSPAPER AND THIS ONE STORY'S REALLY TOUGH.
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
AN ART FORGER NAMED WEISSMAN...HE ONCE TRIED TO FAKE THIS FAMOUS PAINTING OF HAY BALES AND SEE IF HE COULD FOOL AN INTERNATIONAL PANEL OF JUDGES AT THE LOUVRE.
DID HE DO IT?
WELL, IT FOOLED THE RUSSIAN JUDGE, BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH THE AMERICAN JUDGE.
HEY, PIG. YOU COME WRITE AN AMERICAN JUDGE?
HMM. COMIC STRIP PIG...WHO INSISTED ON BRINGING A FEMALE SHEEP TO THE JUDGING AND THE TWO OF THEM KEPT FALLING ON THE LOUVRE FLOOR.
THAT'S NUTS. SO WHAT'S THE HEADLINE?
WEISSMAN HAY ONLY FOOLS RUSSIAN, BUT CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOUVRE WITH EWE.
WISE MEN SAY YOU'RE A SAD LITTLE MAN.

THERE'S A BIG DEBATE GOING ON AT MY CHURCH ABOUT A DRESS CODE. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HOW CASUALLY SOME FOLKS NOW DRESS FOR SUNDAY SERVICES.
SO THEY WANT PEOPLE TO DRESS BETTER?
YEAH... AND THEY'RE TAKING SUGGESTIONS RIGHT NOW AT A BIG CHURCH MEETING.
SPANDEX! SPANDEX!
SIT DOWN, JEF THE CYCLIST.

JUDGE RAT IN SESSION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. A REAL ESTATE AGENT SOLD ME A HOUSE WITH ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS. I WAS WONDERING IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I COULD DO.
YES. TAKE THE LAW INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.
I CAN SMITE ANYTHING.

JUDGE RAT IN SESSION, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I SPILLED MCDONALD’S COFFEE ON MYSELF AND IT WAS HOT. I’D LIKE TO RECEIVE JUST COMPENSATION.
CRACK
THAT SEEMS FAIR.