Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT'S PRESIDENTIAL PLATFORM
If elected President of the United States,
I, Rat, will buy 7,000,000,000 drones.
That is the number of people on earth.
Each drone will keep an eye on one person.
Monitoring everything that person does.
And listening in on every phone call.
And if that person does something displeasing, the drone will address the situation.
P.S. I will control all the drones.
I DON'T THINK I'LL VOTE FOR YOU.
YOUR DRONE WILL BE VERY AGGRESSIVE.
I'M EATING BREAKFAST, DRONE!

BOMBFAST CABLE
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I TRIED CALLING YOU MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND WEDNESDAY AND YOU WERE CLOSED EACH TIME. I THOUGHT YOUR TECH SUPPORT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY.
IT IS. AND THAT DAY IS THURSDAY. BWAAHAHAHAHAA
IS IT ME, OR IS THE CABLE COMPANY GETTING MORE EVIL?

OH NO. THE LITTLE KNOB ON MY WATCH BROKE.
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I MOVED IT TWO HOURS AHEAD WHEN I WENT TO TEXAS. NOW I'M BACK IN CALIFORNIA AND I NEED TO CHANGE THE TIME BACK.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? YOU DON'T WANT THE TIME ON YOUR WATCH TO BE WRONG.
GUESS I HAVE TO MOVE TO TEXAS.
THERE'S NO PROBLEM HE CAN'T SOLVE.

WHY DOES STEPHAN LIE IN THE SUN SO MUCH
BECAUSE HE USED TO BE A REPTILE.
I WAS A LAWYER.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE AGAIN?
REPTILES DON'T BILL HOURLY.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS HORSEMAN FROM SOUTHERN RUSSIA? I GUESS HE'S GOING AROUND RAMMING PEOPLE WITH HIS TAILBONE. HE'S KNOCKED OUT SIX PEOPLE.
WAIT... WHAT HAPPENED?
THIS COSSACK'S COCCYX CLOCKED SIX.
GET HIM.

BEHOLD! I AM VICTOR THE VEGAN, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO DARE TO USE ANIMAL PRODUCTS!
BEHOLD! I AM JEF THE CYCLIST, JUDGING ALL THOSE WHO ARE LAZY AND WEAK!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR HAVING A LEATHER SEAT ON THY BIKE!!
I CONDEMN THEE FOR BEING A SKINNY RUNT OF A MAN!!
IT'S NOT PRETTY WHEN TWO SUPERIOR RACES MEET.
I PUNCH THEE FOR WEARING SPANDEX!

WHY IS JEF THE CYCLIST SO ARROGANT?
BECAUSE CYCLISTS FEEL SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE. THERE'S NO OTHER GROUP LIKE THEM.
BEHOLD, YOU MEAT-EATING SCUM! I AM VICTOR THE VEGAN!
I TAKE THAT BACK.

HELLO, MR. RAT.. I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR AN OFFICE POSITION.
YES SIR.
HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE DO YOU HAVE ?
NOT VERY MUCH.
THEN HOW CAN I HELP YOU ?
WELL, I WAS HOPING TO GAIN THAT HERE IN THIS JOB.
WELL, I CAN'T GIVE YOU A JOB WITHOUT EXPERIENCE.
BUT I CAN'T GET EXPERIENCE WITHOUT A JOB.
THEN YOU CAN'T GET A JOB.
THEN I CAN'T GET EXPERIENCE!
OKAY OKAY... CALM DOWN.. I MAY HAVE AN OPENING IN THE MAILROOM.. WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED?
HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE DO YOU HAVE ?
SO I STRANGLED HIM WITH HIS TIE.

DOES YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER FORWARD YOU A LOT OF CHAIN E-MAIL?
ALL WARNING YOU OF VARIOUS DANGERS IN THE WORLD, EACH MORE LUDICROUS THAN THE LAST?
OH, LOOK, TOASTER ELECTROCUTIONS ARE ON THE RISE.
"TOP SIX WAYS YOUR PANTS CAN KILL YOU."

MY COUSINS GETTING MARRIED IN HAWAII. SO IN ADDITION TO BUYING HER AN EXPENSIVE WEDDING GIFT, I NOW HAVE TO PAY FOR AN EXPENSIVE FLIGHT AND HOTEL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M SENDING MY INVITATION BACK TO HER WITH "DECEASED" WRITTEN ON THE ENVELOPE.
IT'S A BIG MONEY-SAVER.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE SECOND TOE IS LONGER THAN YOUR BIG TOE?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOOMED TO A LIFE OF LONELINESS.
HE'S WRONG, ISN'T HE, SATIC?
YES, YOU'RE DOOMED TO BE LONELY BECAUSE OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

YOU HAVE AN HONEST FACE, PIG.
DON'T ALL ANIMALS HAVE HONEST FACES? IT'S NOT LIKE WE LOOK LIKE CRIMINALS OR BURGLARS OR SOMETHING.
POOR RACCOONS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, NEIGHBOR BOB?
MY FORMER WIFE KEEPS TRYING TO OVERNIGHT SHIP ME MY OLD RECORDS, BUT EVERY TIME SHE DOES, I LOSE AN ALBUM.
WHAT HAVE YOU LOST?
A BUNCH OF ALBUMS BY THE PUNK BAND X.
SOUNDS LIKE AN EX FEDEX X HEX.
PLEASE DON'T INVOLVE US IN YOUR STUPID JOKES.

REMEMBER THE OPENING OF THAT SONG "THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT"? YOU KNOW, WHERE IT GOES, "WEEEEE-EEE-E-E-EEE-EEE... A WEE UM UM UM AWAY"
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT SONG WILL NOW BE STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I NEED A TICKET FROM OAKLAND TO VEGAS. GONNA PAR-TAY!
FINE. THE FARE IS $400.
THAT'S TOO MUCH. I'D LIKE A BEREAVEMENT FARE.
DID SOMEONE DIE?
MY UNCLE LARRY.
IT HAS TO BE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
HE WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME.
WHO'S THAT?
YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT SAID "I AM YOUR FATHER."
UNCLE LARRY WAS IN "STAR WARS"?
I THOUGHT HE WAS HARRY LARRY.
HE WENT BY HARRY LARRY.
AND UNCLE LARRY DIED?
AS DID MY MOTHER, BROTHER, SISTER, GRANDFATHER, AND GRANDMA.
THEY ALL DIED THIS WEEK?
IT WAS A BAD WEEK.
AND YET YOU'RE GOING TO VEGAS.
NOT IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
TO PAR-TAY.
IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO GET BEREAVEMENT FARES.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT I COULD USE SOME HELP. MIND BEING A WINGMAN AND MAKING ME LOOK GOOD?
YOU GOT IT, PAL.
WEU, HELLO THERE. HOW ARE--
BEHOLD, FEMALE! WINGMAN SAYS DATE THE GOAT!!
SOME WOMEN ARE SO HARD TO IMPRESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MEDITATION. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. NO MATTER HOW MANY HAPPY THINGS I TRY TO THINK ABOUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?
PUNCHING GUYS WHO RECLINE THEIR AIRPLANE SEAT.
MAYBE MEDITATION ISN'T FOR YOU.
SHHH...NOW I'M WHACKING HIM WITH MY TRAY TABLE.

HEY, STACI, ARE YOU GOING TO YOUR COUSINS' HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING?
YES. AND BECAUSE WE ARE NOW SEPARATED, I'VE TEXTED THEM AND TOLD THEM YOU WON'T BE THERE.
OH, MAN. I BET THEY WERE DISAPPOINTED. WHAT'D THEY SAY?
"WE'RE SO HAPPY WE COULD CRY."
AT LEAST THEY CRIED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEPH?
WRITING DOWN A LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO IN DUBLIN... I'M GOING THERE THIS MONTH.
OH, DUBLIN IS LOVELY! SAINT STEPHEN'S GREEN, TRINITY COLLEGE, THE JAMES JOYCE CENTER, ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL... WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR BIG LIST SO FAR?
Drink Guinness.
TELL ME ABOUT THAT CHURCH THINGIE.

HEY, GOAT.
WANT TO SEE MY NEW G.P.S?
IT GUIDES ME EVERYWHERE.
NOT RIGHT NOW, PIG.
TOO DEPRESSED.
THIS GIRL I MET ONLINE JUST CANCELED OUR FIRST DATE.
LIFE OF LONELINESS AHEAD IN ONE MILE.
BAD G.P.S.

LOOK, RAT. I GOT THIS UNBELIEVABLE G.P.S... IT GIVES ME GUIDANCE AS TO WHAT STREETS TO TAKE, THE SHORTEST ROUTE, EVERYTHING.
BIG DEAL. ALL THOSE THINGS GIVE THAT KIND OF GUIDANCE.
AVOID THE RAT. HE BRINGS YOU DOWN.
IT DOES MORE.

SPRONG SPRONG SPRONG
sigh...
I feel so useless
CRACK
POW
And thats what you think happens to missing socks?
It would explain a lot.
WHY DO THEY LET SOCKS DRINK?

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M HYPNOTIZING MYSELF. THE DOCTOR SAID IT MIGHT HELP ME GET RID OF ALL THESE FACELESS PEOPLE THAT FOLLOW ME.
OH. THEN I'LL BE QUIET.
GOOD. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS VERY OPEN TO THE POWER OF SUGGESTION.
PILLSBURY CRESCENT ROLLS...
MADE WITH THE FINEST PILLSBURY DOUGH.
THAT INCLUDES THE T.V.
SORRY.
Tee Hee

WHAT HAPPENED HERE, PIG?
I PLANTED A FIG TREE FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE HAS HURT ME, BUT SOMEONE HAS GONE THROUGH AND EATEN ALL THE FIGS.
BUT THAT'S A TON OF FIG TREES, PIG. WHO COULD EAT THAT MANY FIGS?
EAT, MY PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS. AND WHENEVER THAT HAPPENS, I PLANT A FIG TREE. IT’S MY WAY OF TURNING A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.
HOPE YOU LIKE FIGS.