Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH, RAT?
BECAUSE I'M TRAPPED IN AN EXISTENCE I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SAVE FOR THE FACT THAT ONE DAY IT WILL END UNEXPECTEDLY AND TRAGICALLY, THRUSTING ME INTO UTTER NOTHINGNESS, PEACE, OR FLAMES, ALL OF WHICH APPARENTLY LAST FOREVER.
WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN.

PIG TAKES A VACATION AT A REST STOP
HIYA, SIR. JUST GET HERE?
YEAH. WHO THE @#$# ARE YOU?
OH, JUST A FELLOW REST STOP VACATIONER. HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
HOW LONG? LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A WHIZZ, WEIRDO.
THAT’S A SHORT VACATION.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
ON VACATION. I NEED A REST.
OH, GREAT. WHERE TO?
A REST STOP.
BAD TRAVEL AGENT.

WOULD YOU SAY MOST PEOPLE ARE HAPPY, UNHAPPY, OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN?
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN.
RIGHT. YET WHEN WE POSE FOR PHOTOS, WE ALWAYS SMILE. WHICH RAISES A QUESTION.
WHO ARE WE FOOLING?
SOME POINTS CAN BE MADE WITHOUT BULLHORNS.
NOT THE GOOD ONES.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHT.
WHY'S THAT GUY TAPPING?
WHEN ONE GUY GETS OVERWHELMED AND FEELS LIKE HE'S BEAT, HE JUST TAPS AND EVERYTHING'S OVER AND THESE GUYS COME OUT AND HELP HIM.
TAP TAP TAP
IT DOESN'T APPLY TO LIFE.

Unhappy being alone, Elly Elephant wanted a man who would listen.
So she dated and dated until she finally found him.
And when she found him, she knew immediately that he was the right man.
Because he listened.
For an hour.
And didn't judge.
And didn't offer advice.
And didn't brag.
A dream date.
Marred only by the paramedics.
Who informed her that her great listener had died an hour ago.
Elly Elephant learned to be happy alone.

WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO YOUR PHONE, PIG?
MY COUSIN'S PREGNANT AND SHE MIGHT NEED ME TO DRIVE HER TO THE HOSPITAL... HANG ON... THIS IS HER NOW.
HEY... MY WATER BROKE.
CALL A PLUMBER.
WHY'S SHE BOTHERING ME WITH THAT?

OKAY, MY NEW SEEING EYE DOG, TIME FOR YOU TO GUIDE ME DOWNTOWN.
RIGHT ON COLLEGE. LEFT ON MENDOCINO. RIGHT ON FOURTH.
SOME GUIDE DOGS ACTUALLY GUIDE.
THOSE WERE GOOD DIRECTIONS, SIR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK... IS THAT YOUR NEW GUIDE DOG?
YEP. TOOK ME HERE TO THE LIBRARY, NO PROBLEM.
SHHH
THAT SEEMS WRONG.

HI, PIG. I'D LIKE CASH TO GO TO VEGAS.
SORRY, FREE-RANGE CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.
THEN SELL SOME POSSESSIONS OR SOMETHING.
WHO ARE YOU?
FRED, FROM THE U.S.D.A. HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IF A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN WANTS TO GO TO VEGAS, HE GETS TO GO TO VEGAS.
WHERE'S THE T.V.?
LONG STORY.

HEY, MAN... NEED TO CRASH YOUR PAD. MET A BABE, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T. THIS IS MY HOUSE.
AND I'M A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.
YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.

HEY, MOBSTER MARTY... HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GOOD. ROBBED A TRUCK. THREATENED A PIZZA SHOP OWNER. BEAT UP A PUNK.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, MARTY. THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL BEHIND YOU.
YEAH. THAT'S MY KID.
IT'S TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.
NEVER MIND.
WHACK HIM, DAD.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A DOCTOR'S BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO A ACCOUNT SUPERVISOR.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO BILLING.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE.
I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
THIS ISN'T BILLING??
NO. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
I NEED BILLING.
I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. IS THIS BILLING?
NO. THIS IS THE MAIN SWITCH-BOARD AGAIN.
I NEED BILLING.
PLEASE HOLD, SIR. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. BILLING?
YES! I NEED BILLING.
Due to heavy call volume, the wait time is approximately...
9 hours.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
HAVING HEALTH CARE IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

IF I WAS EVER DOWN AND OUT AND NEEDED CASH, WOULD YOU BE THERE FOR ME?
IS THERE A FARAWAY PLACE WHERE I CAN DODGE YOUR CALLS?
NEVER MIND.
IF SO, I'D BE WAY, WAY THERE.

STEPHAN'S GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HIS WIFE'S HOUSE TONIGHT.
BUT THEY'RE SEPARATED. SHE WON'T LET HIM IN.
HE'S HOPING SHE WON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
GO AWAY, STEPHAN.

EXCUSE ME, NEIGHBOR BOB, BUT ARE THOSE YOUR FREE RANGE CHICKENS THAT WANDERED INTO OUR GARAGE?
YEAH… WHY?
BECAUSE THEY’RE IN THERE SMOKING SOMETHING I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ON THE COMICS PAGE.
SORRY, MAN. NOTHING I CAN DO. THEY’RE FREE RANGE.
THEY’RE TAKING MY CAR, BOB.
THEY DO ENJOY A GOOD JOYRIDE.

HEY, BOBBY BULL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. GOT A JOB AS A BUILDING CUSTODIAN. I'M PRETTY SUITED FOR IT.
SUITED HOW?

HEY, MAN. PEACE. LOVE. BROTHERHOOD.
YEAH, MAN. GROOVE OUT. DO YOUR THING.
RIGHT ON, BROTHER. BE FREE. FREE LOVE.
FREE YOUR MIND. ROAM. EXPLORE.
FREE RANGE CHICKENS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HEARD YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN SINCE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.
YEAH. I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY ABOUT MYSELF. MAYBE THE FACT THAT I RAISE CHICKENS?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT.
WELL, I WON AN ACADEMY AWARD.
HOLY COWS! YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD TYPE? WOMEN LOVE ALL THAT MOVIE STAR STUFF! WHAT DID YOU WIN IT FOR?
BEST SOUND EDITING.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR CHICKENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M SITTING IN THE 'BOX OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.'
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE? IT'S A BOX FOR PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.
GEE, I'D LIKE TO GET IN, BUT IT LOOKS PRETTY PACKED.
OF COURSE IT'S PACKED. EVERYONE LOVES SUCCESS.
SO WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET INTO THE EMPTY BOX NEXT TO IT?
BECAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT
YAAAY FOR YOU GUYS.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
COLLECTING POSTCARDS OF FAMOUS ART. I KEEP THEM ON MY FRIDGE. I'VE GOT A COUPLE PICASSOS, SOME VAN GOGHS, SOME MANETS.
I LOVE MAYONNAISE.
LET'S START OVER.
BUT I KEEP MINE IN THE FRIDGE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?
I’LL HAVE A BURGER, AND MY FRIEND WILL HAVE SOMETHING SLIMY AND FLAVORLESS THAT COMES IN VERY SMALL PORTIONS AND YET IS SOMEHOW VERY EXPENSIVE.
I’M SORRY?
I’LL HAVE THE OYSTERS.
MUST WE DO THIS EVERY TIME I ORDER OYSTERS?
IT’S THE MOST OVERRATED FOOD IN THE WORLD!!!

WENT TO AN AIR SHOW TODAY AND THEY LET US SEE FIGHTER JETS UP CLOSE. GAVE ME A LOT OF IDEAS.
LET ME GUESS. BUY ONE AND ATTACK YOUR NEIGHBORS.
EJECTOR SEATS FOR ANNOYING GUYS.

HONEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS JUNK OUT HERE?
IT'S FOR THE SALVATION ARMY. I'M HOPING THEY'LL TAKE IT ALL.
WELL, I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING SURROUNDED BY JUNK YOU'RE GIVING AWAY. WHAT IF THEY ACCIDENTALLY TAKE ME?
YOU WOULDN'T.
STOP POUTING. IT LOWERS YOUR VALUE.

SORRY I HAD TO MESS UP YOUR CLEAN DESK YESTERDAY. I JUST THINK AN OVERLY ORGANIZED DESK IS A SIGN OF AN UNBALANCED INDIVIDUAL.
SO WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
CLEAN YOUR DESK.
CAN'T. I'M AFRAID I'LL FIND BODIES.