Pearls Before Swine | Search

I heard you had to teach Pig all about wine.
Yeah, he's going to a fancy restaurant with Pigita and wants to impress her with his wine knowledge.
So now he knows how to order a good bottle and taste the little sample that the waiter brings you?
Yeah, though there's just this one little step I'm worried about.
MUST YOU USE A SWIRLY STRAW?

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M A JUDGE NOW..I'M THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF JUSTICE.
WHAT'S ON YOUR DESK THERE?
A TIP JAR. THE MORE YOU PUT IN IT, THE MORE JUSTICE-Y I FEEL.
SO THAT'S HOW JUSTICE WORKS.
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR.

LOOK AT ME, GOAT... I'VE BECOME A JUDGE. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A LIFE-LONG DREAM OF MINE.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. THAT'S A CRITICAL ROLE IN OUR SYSTEM OF DUE PROCESS. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO IT?
THEY GIVE YOU A HAMMER TO HIT IDIOTS.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT'S FOR.
OKAY, YOU'RE FIRST.

I DON'T LIKE THIS SHOW. GIMME THE REMOTE.
I LOST IT.
HOLY @#$%. WHAT DO WE DO?
YOU GET UP AND CHANGE THE CHANNEL.
HOW?
YOU PUSH THE BUTTON ON THE T.V.
YOU MEAN EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL, YOU HAVE TO GET UP AND WALK ALL THE WAY OVER TO THE T.V.?
YEAH. THAT'S HOW WE ALWAYS DID IT WHEN I WAS A KID.
AND YET SOMEHOW I SURVIVED.
LORD HAVE MERCY. WHAT A TRAGIC UPBRINGING.

I'VE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON WHEN I FLY, I WILL ONLY FLY FIRST CLASS. THEY'RE NICER TO YOU, SERVE YOU BETTER FOOD, AND GIVE YOU MORE SPACE.
YOU DON'T MIND PAYING THE EXTRA MONEY?
IT COSTS EXTRA MONEY?
YES.
LIFE IS ONE BITTER SURPRISE AFTER ANOTHER.

HELLO?
Hello... This is...uh... Joe.
PIG, YOU CAN'T PRANK CALL PEOPLE ANYMORE. CELL PHONES SHOW WHO'S CALLING.
I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
IF YOU CAN TELL THE FUTURE, INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS IN ALL THE STOCKS THAT WILL GO UP TOMORROW AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO NOT RETURN.

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WE'VE GIVEN UP TOO MUCH OF OUR PRIVACY? THAT EVERYONE CAN NOW SEE EVERYTHING WE DO?
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE PARANOID TO ME.
REALLY?
YEAH. SOMETIMES I SIT IN A JAPANESE GARDEN I BUILT IN MY BACKYARD AND NOBODY SEES ME THERE.
IS IT THIS ONE HERE WITH THE KOI POND?
CURSE YOU, GOOGLE EARTH!
IS THAT YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE?

I'VE DETERMINED THAT EVERYONE IS MUCH TOO SENSITIVE THESE DAYS. NO ONE CAN TAKE A JOKE.
SO?
SO, I'VE DEVELOPED 'RHINOMATIC.' A THICK SKIN MADE FROM RHINO HIDE, COMPLETE WITH HORN.
MAKES ME FEEL INV...
WHOA WHOA WHOA. ONLY YOUR SKIN IS THICK.

IS THAT YOUR PAL THE RAPPER THERE? IF SO, I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM DO HIS THING.
YEAH, THIS IS HIM. MIND SHOWING HIM SOME STUFF, FLOYD?
SURE. GIMME A MINUTE.
WRAPPER.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YO. DO YOU NOT LIKE THE PRETTY BOW?

HI, NEIGHBOR BILL... HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. BEEN RUNNING LIKE CRAZY. ALL PART OF MY PLAN TO KILL THE RISK FACTORS FOR HEART DISEASE.
I DON'T DRINK. I DON'T SMOKE. I'M NOT OVERWEIGHT. I EAT A DIET LOW IN CHOLESTEROL.
PLUS, I DO STRETCH TO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE LOW. AND OF COURSE I EXERCISE RELIGIOUSLY.
ABOUT THE ONLY FACTOR I CAN'T CONTROL IS GENETICS, WHICH HOPEFULLY WON'T BE MUCH OF A FACTOR, GIVEN HOW HARD I WORK ON THESE OTHER THINGS
ACKK
LIFE IS TRICKY THAT WAY.

WANT TO GO TO THE GAME WITH ME? IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC!
HOW MUCH ARE THE TICKETS?
NINETY BUCKS PLUS TWENTY FOR PARKING.
SO I CAN PAY $110 PLUS ANOTHER $50 FOR FOOD TO SIT AMONGST STRANGERS AND HAVE A DISTANT VIEW, OR SIT RIGHT HERE FOR FREE AND HAVE HIGH DEF AND CHEAP TASTY FOOD IN MY LIVING ROOM.
YOU MAY BE A TRUE GENIUS.

OKAY, SIR, WE'LL NEED TO TAKE YOUR PHOTO. SO JUST STAND OVER THERE AND LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AND —
IT HELPS IF WE CAN SEE YOUR FACE.
OH, PLEASE. YOU'LL MAKE DRUG SMUGGLING IMPOSSIBLE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
APPLYING FOR A PASSPORT. I HEAR THEY'RE EASY TO GET.
NOT ALWAYS.
WHY NOT?
AND HOW MANY FELONIES DO YOU HAVE?
IS 'OODLES' AN ANSWER?

DAD, YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE DORMS WITH ME. YOU HAVE TO GO HOME AND LET ME LIVE AT THIS BOARDING SCHOOL ALONE.
Me can't. Me afraid me gonna lose tings.
LOSE WHAT? YOUR KEYS? YOUR PHONE? YOUR WALLET?
Larrys best frend.
I LOVE YOU, POPS.
Peese no leeve me alone wid mom.

WELL, I HAD AN AUNT NAMED TODDY, WHO HAD A COUSIN NAMED VICKY, WHOSE SISTER WAS KATY, WHO HAD AN UNCLE NAMED PAUL, WHOSE BROTHER WAS AL, AND AL IS THE BACON I'M EATING RIGHT NOW.
WOW.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
PLAYING "SIX DEGREES OF PIGS BACON."
WHY DO I ASK?
I'M WITHIN SIX DEGREES OF ALL THE WORLD'S BACON!
OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS SAUSAGE.

HEY, GUYS. I GOT INVITED TO SPEAK AS AN AUTHOR AT THE NATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
GREAT!
SUPER!
TERRIFIC!
DID THEIR FIRST FIFTY CHOICES FOR SPEAKER DIE?
MAYBE THEY DID DIE.
IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE ONLY AUTHORS.
I BET THEY'RE STILL MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE AT BOARDING SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS AND STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM MY PARENTS.
I HEAR YOU ERIC. MINE CALLED ONCE. BUT IT WAS A WEEK AGO.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE HAPPY TO HAVE US OUT OF THEIR HAIR.
EXCEPT JUNIOR'S DAD LARRY. HE'S BEEN IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH JUNIOR.
REALLY? HOW CLOSE?
Preety close.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME SEPARATION ISSUES.
Where me put Larry mattress?

HOW COME WHEN ANYBODY DOES ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY COMPETENT, EVERYONE CALLS IT "GENIUS"?
THAT'S A PRETTY SMART OBSERVATION.
IT'S MORE THAN SMART. IT'S GENIUS.
WITH ME, IT'S PROPERLY USED.

I HAVE A NEW MOTTO DESIGNED TO ELIMINATE NINETY PERCENT OF THE PROBLEMS IN PEOPLES LIVES.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T CLICK 'SEND'
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
FOR EXTRA PROTECTION, DEMOLISH YOUR KEYBOARD.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED? NOTHING TO ENSURE YOUR NAME WILL ENDURE FOR THE AGES?
SOMETIMES. WHY?
BECAUSE I DO. SO YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE NAMELESS DOOHICKEY ON YOUR NAIL CLIPPERS THAT YOU USE TO CLEAN UNDER YOUR NAILS--THE SHARP LITTLE POINTY THING?
YEAH.
LET'S CALL THAT A 'STEPHAN PASTIS.'
HOW BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S MY LEGACY TO MY KIDS.
HEY, LOOK, I GOT SOME TOE JAM ON MY STEPHAN PASTIS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S ROBBY, THE ROBOT FROM THE 1950s. IT CAN DO MATH COMPUTATIONS, RESEARCH ANYTHING, AND EVEN TALK.
SO IT DOES LESS THAN MY PHONE.
ROBBY HATES THIS ERA.

DING
Miss u, Junior.
DING
Still miss u.
DING
Miss you again.
DING
DING
DING
DING DING DING
HOW IS JUNIOR GONNA STUDY AT BOARDING SCHOOL WITH YOU TEXTING HIM?
ME NOT TEXXING NO ONE!!

MY SON JUNIOR WENT OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL TODAY. HE'S VERY SMART AND IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL.
WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND LARRY THINK ABOUT THAT?
WELL, HE'S ALWAYS SAID HE LOOKED FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN WE'D HAVE THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES AGAIN.
SO WHAT'S LARRY DOING? IS HE CELEBRATING?

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND LINDSEY. I THINK YOU'VE MET HER BEFORE.
YEAH, BUT I THINK YOUR HAIR WAS DIFFERENT.
YEAH. I DYE IT. LIKE, EVERY FEW MONTHS.
WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO CHANGE MY PHONE COVER TO MATCH.
PLUS, I'M ALWAYS CHANGING MY SCREEN SAVER. I GET TIRED OF THE SAME IMAGE AFTER, LIKE, TWO DAYS.
WHICH REMINDS ME, IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR ME TO GET MY HAIR DYED AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
AND HOW LONG DO THOSE TATTOOS LAST?
MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN SHE CALLED YOU A SAD OLD MAN WHO'S GONNA DIE SOON.
IT WAS A FAIR QUESTION.