Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, WILLY... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MEMORIZING HISTORY. IT TAKES FOREVER, BUT I HAVE TO DO IT. WE HAVE A TEST.
HOW COME YOU HAVE TO KNOW HISTORY?
I GUESS SO THAT WHEN WE'RE OLDER, WE'LL KNOW THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE WHO WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND WHERE APOLLO 11 LANDED WHEN MEN FIRST WALKED ON THE MOON.
JEFFERSON. ST. HELENA. 1969.
IT'S CALLED 'GOOGLE.'
IS SCHOOL JUST TORTURE?
YES. BUT TORTURE BUILDS CHARACTER.
I GUESS TECHNICALLY, I KNOW EVERYTHING.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS LAB AT UC BERKELEY THAT'S PIONEERING A FUEL MADE FROM FERMENTED PLANTS?
BLAH BLAH BLAH... WHO CARES? SCIENCE SPENDS BILLIONS OF DOLLARS EVERY YEAR AND FAILS TO ADDRESS THE ISSUE THAT CONCERNS ALL OF US.
WHICH IS WHAT?
WHY ARE YAINS SO @#%*@ CONTAGIOUS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS THAT PRESSING.
ALSO, WHY DO I YAWN WHENEVER YOU TALK?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING RAT?
I HEARD A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER EXPLAIN THAT THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS TO SET REALISTIC LIFE GOALS AND THEN STICK TO THEM, SO I'M WRITING SOME DOWN
TERRIFIC. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
SURE.
Get drunk and watch 'Trailer Park Boys'!
HOW AMBITIOUS
CAN'T TALK. I'M OFF TO ACHIEVE MY GOALS.

HEY WILLY, HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I FELL OVER ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL AND WAS OUT THERE ALL NIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET UP?
Help.
YOU'RE A TURTLE NOW.
I FEAR BIRDS OF PREY.

I HAD A DREAM THAT A MONKEY WAS TRYING TO MARKET HIS OWN BRAND OF CINNAMON, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO USE THE WORD CINNAMON.
WHAT DID HE WANT TO USE?
A WORD THAT MEANT THE SAME THING, BUT HE COULDN'T THINK OF ANY, SO HE SAID THAT MEANT I WAS A SINNER WHO WOULD ONE DAY GO TO HELL.
WHOA. THAT DREAM SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF OMEN.
WHAT KIND OF OMEN?
A SIMIAN CINNAMON SYNONYM SIN OMEN.
YOU'RE THE ONE GOING TO HELL.

MASTER GURU PIG?... I HAVE A QUESTION...MY LIFE FEELS SO DIRECTIONLESS...SO LOST...WHAT SHOULD I DO?
GRAB A GALLON OF ICE CREAM AND LIE ON YOUR COUCH FOR DAYS!!
HALLELUJAH, BROTHER PIG!!
BLESS YOU, BROTHER!

WHERES PIG TODAY?
HES WORKING. HE GOT A JOB AS AN UNMOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
YOU MEAN 'MOTIVATIONAL' SPEAKER.
NO. I DON'T.
SO GO OUT AND NAP, NAP NAP!

HEY, RAT, TAKE A PICTURE OF ME IN FRONT OF THIS TREE WITH MY SMARTPHONE.
LET'S GET ONE OF THE TWO OF US TOGETHER!
HERE, GET SOME WITH MINE ALSO!
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT GUY SELLING?
I DUNNO. LET'S TAKE HIS PICTURE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
THESE INSECURE PEOPLE WITH VARIOUS ADDICTIONS BEING REASSURED THAT THEY’RE OKAY AND THAT THEIR LIVES HAVE VALUE.
WHAT’S IT CALLED?
THE ACADEMY AWARDS.
AT LEAST THEY’RE PRETTY.
THEY CLEAN UP NICELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
STARING AT THE WALRUSES ON THOSE ROCKS. THEY'RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL AND MAJESTIC.
GET IN SHAPE, YOU FAT OAF!
CYCLISTS AND WALRUSES DON'T MIX.
HEY FATTY... EVER HEARD OF A TREADMILL?

THE CITY COUNCIL IS TRYING TO CHANGE THE WAY THE CITY IS GOVERNED, BUT THEY MOVE SO SLOWLY. OH, WELL... I GUESS ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.
OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT EXPRESSION MEANS?
ROME HAD LAZY CONTRACTORS?
NO. THOSE PEOPLE NEVER FINISH WHEN THEY SAY THEY'LL FINISH!!

WHERE DO YOU WRITE YOUR
COMIC STRIP?
AT A CAFE IN
SANTA ROSA,
CALIFORNIA.
HOW LONG
DOES IT
TAKE?
ABOUT
THREE
HOURS.
DOES THE OWNER LIKE
THAT YOU BUY ONE $2.00 CUP OF COFFEE
AND OCCUPY A TABLE
FOR THREE HOURS?
I'M A WORLD FAMOUS
CARTOONIST!
THANK YOU,
SIR, THANK
YOU!
WE CAN
KILL HIM IF
YOU'D LIKE.

RAT AND I ARE GOING HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS THIS WEEK-END. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CAMPFIRE.
THAT'S GREAT. BRING AN INSTRUMENT SO YOU CAN PLAY SONGS.
IS THAT WORTH IT?
SURE. CAMPFIRE SONGS ARE FUN.
ARE YOU RESTING AGAIN?

I'VE BECOME A SOCIOLOGIST. I STUDY WORLD POPULATION GROWTH AND TRY AND DETERMINE GLOBAL TRENDS.
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR?
THAT STUPID PEOPLE ARE REPRODUCING FASTER THAN SMART PEOPLE.
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

OKAY, EVERYONE, COMING UP IS OUR FIRST ITEM OF HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE.
IT'S CALLED A "TELEPHONE BOOTH" AND PEOPLE USED TO STEP INTO THIS BOX TO CONTACT OTHER PEOPLE.
HAHA. I GOTTA POST THAT ON FACEBOOK.
AND HERE WE HAVE WHAT WAS KNOWN AS A "MAILBOX". PEOPLE WOULD PUT THEIR COMMUNICATIONS IN IT, AND THEY WOULD BE DELIVERED TO SOMEONE A FEW DAYS LATER.
A FEW DAYS? HAHAHA...
WHOAH. WHAT IS IT?
WHAT YOU HAVE HERE IS WHAT WAS KNOWN AS A "BOOK".
WOW. WHAT DID IT DO?
WELL, IT HAS WORDS PRINTED ON PAPER AND YOU READ THEM TO LEARN THINGS.
SORRY, WHAT? I WAS CHECKING MY TWITTER FEED.
MY, THESE TOURS DEPRESS ME.
AND WHO'S THAT HOMELESS GUY?
THAT'S CALLED A "ROCK STAR". THEY USED TO SELL MUSIC FOR MONEY.

HEY JEN... MATING SEASON BEGINS TODAY AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET A DRINK.
SURE. LET'S GO ON SEPTEMBER FIRST.
MATING SEASON ENDS THE LAST DAY OF AUGUST.
YEP.
MATING SEASON CAN BE CRUEL.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR
BOB. HOW
GOES IT?
GOOD. WHY
ARE YOU
DRESSED
UP?
MATING
SEASON
BEGINS
TODAY.
ZEBRAS
HAVE A
MATING
SEASON?
YEAH.
DON'T
HUMANS?
IS
"ANYTIME I
CAN GET IT"
A SEASON?
SOUNDS
MORE
LIKE A
PRAYER.
GENERALLY.

HEY THERE, GOAT. DID YOU LIKE THE BIRTHDAY CAKE I SENT YOU?
I LOVED IT, PIG! THAT WAS VERY KIND OF YOU.
AND DID YOU SEE I GOT YOU THOSE CANDLES THAT YOU THINK YOU'VE BLOWN OUT, BUT THEN THEY RE-LIGHT?
THOSE WERE TRICK CANDLES?
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?
THE POLICE BLOCKED OFF THE STREETS. THEY SAID THEY WERE CHASING SOME LAWBREAKER. BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A LAWBREAKER IS.
HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE? THE WORD TELLS YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. A LAWBREAKER IS SOMEONE WHO BREAKS THE LAW.
SO MY WINDBREAKER BREAKS WIND?
PLEASE SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
I AM SO RETURNING THIS THING.

HEY, RAT...WHO CROSSED ALL THE TUESDAYS OFF OUR CALENDAR?
I DID. EVERYTHING BAD THAT'S EVER HAPPENED HAS HAPPENED ON A TUESDAY.
SO YOU JUST GOT RID OF THEM?
YES. SO NOW WE GO STRAIGHT FROM MONDAY TO WEDNESDAY.
OUR MONTH MAY BE A LITTLE QUICK.
NO IT WON'T. I ADDED FRIDAYS.

GUARD DUCK FOUND OUT THAT THE CHEF HERE STILL SERVES FOIE GRAS, WHICH IS THAT FATTY DUCK LIVER THEY CREATE BY FORCE-FEEDING THE DUCK WITH A TUBE.
DOES THAT HURT?
WE'LL SEE.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS.
CHEW, FATTY, CHEW!

I'M TIRED OF ALL US LEMMINGS DYING MEANINGLESS DEATHS. I WANT TO DIE A HERO.
VROOM VROOM VROOM VROOM VROOM
WOOSH
THUNNK
I JUST WON THE SUPER BOOOOWL
HE'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES.
DO ALL CAFE WORKERS HAVE TO HAVE A NOSE RING, TATTOOS, AND A LOOK OF TOTAL DISINTEREST?
I'D GET MAD, BUT I DON'T CARE ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE COLORS OTHER THAN BLACK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
I'M WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT AN ALLEGED SIKH PRIEST WHO GETS HIS DOG TO ATTACK SOMEONE, BUT THERE'S A MISSPELLING IN THE QUOTE I WANT TO USE.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
"Sic him," said the sick sikkh [sic].
GET A REAL JOB.

WHERE YOU
OFF TO,
PIG?
JOB INTERVIEW.
AND I'M
NERVOUS. I REALLY NEED
TO IMPRESS THEM.
YOU WILL. JUST BE SURE TO PUT
YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD.
PLEASE GET THAT OUT OF MY
FACE.