Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WANT TO TRY OUT MY LATEST INVENTION, THE "FORTHRIGHT-OMETER"? I ASK YOU A QUESTION AND IT TELLS ME WHETHER OR NOT YOUR ANSWER IS WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I THINK? YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO.

HEY, GOAT. I'M TAKING A CLASS TO IMPROVE MY SPELLING. MIND QUIZZING ME ON THESE WORDS?
SURE. BUT TURN AROUND SO YOU CAN'T SEE THE WORDS.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
OKAY...THE FIRST WORD IS 'SOB.'
S-O-B
HE CAN BE SO MOODY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SOME MOM HIRED HIM TO DO FACE PAINTING AT HER SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
OH, KIDS LOVE THAT. HAS HE DONE IT BEFORE?
NO. WHY?
I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.

I HEARD YOU'RE SUBMITTING AN APPLICATION TO BECOME A SAINT. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE BASED ON. :)
I LET A WOMAN WITH ONE ITEM GO AHEAD OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
WAIT A MINUTE. I WAS THERE THAT DAY. YOU SAID YOU DID IT BECAUSE SHE WAS HOT AND YOU WERE HOPING THAT SHE'D TALK TO YOU.
HAVE SOME MONEY FROM THE CHURCH BASKET.
SAINTS DON'T BRIBE.

HEY FATHER GUS, HOW DOES THE CHURCH DECIDE WHO GETS TO BECOME A SAINT?
IT’S A COMPLICATED PROCESS. WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE I LET A WOMAN BUYING ONE ITEM CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
I DON’T THINK THAT’S ENOUGH.
I RECYCLED A BEER BOTTLE ONCE.

WHOA... PIG LEFT A LOAD OF CASH JUST SITTING ON THIS TABLE.
I COULD SURE USE IT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
TAKE IT, RAT!
TAKE IT!
PIG WON'T KNOW.
POOF
OH MY GOODNESS. YOU'RE THE DEMON ON MY SHOULDER. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ALLURING?
SO IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST?
DO IT, RAT.
DO IT!
NO. NO... SURELY THERE'S AN ANGEL ON MY OTHER SHOULDER.
ONE WHO ENCOURAGES ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
AND IS EQUALLY HOT!
EQUALLY ALLURING!
POOF
UH... DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DO A MISERABLE JOB.
WHOA. SHE'S HOT.
GET BACK, FATTY.

I KEEP ASKING NEIGHBOR BOB TO PLEASE STOP TAKING OUR LAWNMOWER WITHOUT PERMISSION, BUT HE JUST DOESN'T LISTEN.
DUDE, STOP BEING SO NICE. THROW IN SOME COLORFUL LANGUAGE.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY HELPFUL.
IT'S INTIMIDATING. TRY IT.
PLEASE STOP USING OUR RED LAWNMOWER TO CUT YOUR GREEN GRASS.

BEHOLD! YOU ARE LOOKING AT A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!
CONGRATS, PIG! WHAT'D YOU WRITE?
A COMMENT ON AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD.
NOT SURE THAT'S THE SAME.
IT WAS PRETTY SNARKY, BUT I THINK THAT STILL COUNTS.

WHY IS THE PLACE THEY PUT YOUR COMIC IN THE NEWSPAPER CALLED THE 'FUNNY PAGES'?
BECAUSE THE WORK I DO IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY.
IS THERE A 'SAD, BUT DOING HIS BEST' PAGE?
THIS SEEMS TO BE A SENSITIVE SUBJECT.

HEY, PHYSICIST PHIL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M DOING A PEER REVIEW OF A FELLOW PHYSICIST'S SCIENTIFIC PAPER.
OH, WONDERFUL. WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN SO FAR?
My colleague is a fathead poopypants.
IT'S GOTTEN PERSONAL.

HEY, PHYSICIST PHIL. HOW GOES IT.
SPECTACULAR... I JUST FOUND OUT I WON THIS YEAR'S NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS.
OH MY GOODNESS, THAT'S GREAT, PHIL. DO YOUR FELLOW PHYSICISTS AT THE UNIVERSITY KNOW?
NO. I IMAGINE THEY DON'T. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD CALL AND INFORM THEM.
NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAAAAHH NYAH.
PHYSICISTS ARE VERY IMMATURE.

THIS IS FROM
THE FELLOW A
COUPLE SEATS
DOWN FROM
YOU.
OH,
HOW
SWEET.
THAT'LL
BE
THREE
DOLLARS.
I THOUGHT
YOU SAID HE
BOUGHT IT
FOR ME.
HE PAID FOR HALF.
I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY.

Whu you doing, son?
STUDYING D.N.A.
Whu dat?
It's the stuff that carries all the genetic information from our parents, and it resides in almost every cell in our body.
Almost every cell?
Yeah, it's incredible. And each cell has two sets. One from our mother and one from our father.
So one set of me ees een every cell of you body?
Yeah, what do you think of that?
You ees hoseed.
DAD IS VERY DISCOURAGING.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SUPER CAT. HE'S A SUPERHERO KITTY WHO LEAPS INTO ACTION WHENEVER THERE'S SOMEONE IN NEED.
WHAT'S HE DO?
WALKS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
HOW HELPFUL.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, HE'LL LICK HIS PAWS.
LICK LICK LICK

IT SAYS HERE THE GOVERNMENT IS EXPERIMENTING WITH A NEW KIND OF DRONE... ONE THAT DOESN'T BOMB OUR ENEMIES, BUT INSTEAD HARASSES THEM INTO SURRENDERING.
WHAT KIND OF DRONE COULD DO THAT?
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
THE DREADED POODLE DRONE.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT'S UP?
DID YOU KNOW THAT DES MOINES IS THE MOST POPULOUS CITY IN IOWA?
AND THAT IT HAS ITS OWN SYMPHONY AND THE DES MOINES ART CENTER AND THE PAPPAJOHN SCULPTURE PARK AND A CAPITOL BUILDING WITH FIVE DOMES AND IS A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK?
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE KISSING BUTT BECAUSE YOUR "PEARLS" JUST BEGAN RUNNING IN THE DES MOINES REGISTER.
YOU'RE VERY CYNICAL.
IT'S NOT HEAVEN, IT'S IOWA!

HONEY, THIS IS MY FRIEND, JUANITA. WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER.
ALSO, I MAY HAVE PICKED UP A DISEASE.
NOT THE RIGHT TONE?
NOT REALLY.

Larry, I asked you to empty the garbage three hours ago.
Me no wanna go outside right now.
DON’T WANT TO GO OUTSIDE? WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU? Of all the stupid excuses.
SMART MOVE, LARRY.
Peese fly away now, uneecon.

I'VE HEARD ZEBRA IS STILL GOING AROUND DRESSED AS A UNICORN.
WHAT FOR?
I GUESS SOME PEOPLE FIND IT INTIMIDATING.
WHO THE @#$% IS INTIMIDATED BY A UNICORN?
NOW DON'T MAKE ME CRUSH YOU WITH MY MAGICAL RAINBOW.
PEESE NO, UNEECORN.

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA DOING?
PRACTICING MY SINGING. I’VE BEEN TAKING VOICE LESSONS.
GOOD. HOW’S IT GOING?
OKAY. EXCEPT FOR THE HIGH NOTES. I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT THE TREBLE RANGE IS HARD FOR ME.
YOU REALLY STRUGGLE WITH IT?
YEAH. SO MUCH SO THAT WHEN I SING IT, I SCRUNCH UP MY FACE, WRINKLE MY BROW AND SING THIS DEEP, FURROW-Y LOOK....OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT MY VOICE TEACHER TOLD ME YESTERDAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?
YESTERDAY, ALL MY TREBLES SEEMED SO FURROW-Y.
GOD. I HATE THIS COMIC STRIP.
LET IT BE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF... I'M BILL, YOUR NEW NEIGHBOR.
WHY ARE YOU FACING THE OTHER WAY?
I'M A HISTORIAN. WE LOOK BACKWARDS.
CAREFUL CROSSING THE STREET.
THANKS. I'LL PROCESS THAT COMMENT IN TEN YEARS.

DO YOU THINK ADDING A SMILEY-FACE EMOTICON TO AN OTHERWISE NEGATIVE EMAIL MAKES THE WHOLE COMMUNICATION OKAY?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
Dear my boyfriend Pig,
You are fat.
You are dumb.
You are boring.
I want to break up.
I'D SAY NO.
HAHA. BUT THAT SMILEY GUY SURE IS CUTE.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS BOOK ON ATTAINING HAPPINESS. IT SAYS THE KEY IS EXPRESSING GRATITUDE FOR ALL THE LITTLE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE- THE SUNSHINE, A CUP OF COFFEE, A PRETTY ROSE.
I'M GRATEFUL I'M SMARTER THAN HIPPIE YAHOOS LIKE YOU.
NOT SURE THAT'S WHAT THEY MEANT.
I'M GRATEFUL TECHNOLOGY LETS ME TUNE YOU OUT.

I'M AFRAID I OFFENDED THE WHOLE L.G.B.T. COMMUNITY.
YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO?
I DIDN'T USE GREASY ENOUGH BACON ON MY BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH.
WHY WOULD THEY CARE ABOUT THAT?
WHAT ELSE WOULD THE LETTUCE GREASY BACON TOMATO COMMUNITY CARE ABOUT?
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

HEY THERE, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, WALLY THE WALRUS. HE JUST GOT A TEACHING JOB.
OH, YEAH? TEACHING WHAT?
AEROBICS CLASSES.
THEY'RE SHORT CLASSES.