Pearls Before Swine | Search

DAD, YOU CAN'T LIVE IN THE DORMS WITH ME. YOU HAVE TO GO HOME AND LET ME LIVE AT THIS BOARDING SCHOOL ALONE.
Me can't. Me afraid me gonna lose tings.
LOSE WHAT? YOUR KEYS? YOUR PHONE? YOUR WALLET?
Larrys best frend.
I LOVE YOU, POPS.
Peese no leeve me alone wid mom.

WELL, I HAD AN AUNT NAMED TODDY, WHO HAD A COUSIN NAMED VICKY, WHOSE SISTER WAS KATY, WHO HAD AN UNCLE NAMED PAUL, WHOSE BROTHER WAS AL, AND AL IS THE BACON I'M EATING RIGHT NOW.
WOW.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
PLAYING "SIX DEGREES OF PIGS BACON."
WHY DO I ASK?
I'M WITHIN SIX DEGREES OF ALL THE WORLD'S BACON!
OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS SAUSAGE.

HEY, GUYS. I GOT INVITED TO SPEAK AS AN AUTHOR AT THE NATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
GREAT!
SUPER!
TERRIFIC!
DID THEIR FIRST FIFTY CHOICES FOR SPEAKER DIE?
MAYBE THEY DID DIE.
IT'S OKAY. THEY'RE ONLY AUTHORS.
I BET THEY'RE STILL MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE AT BOARDING SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS AND STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM MY PARENTS.
I HEAR YOU ERIC. MINE CALLED ONCE. BUT IT WAS A WEEK AGO.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE HAPPY TO HAVE US OUT OF THEIR HAIR.
EXCEPT JUNIOR'S DAD LARRY. HE'S BEEN IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH JUNIOR.
REALLY? HOW CLOSE?
Preety close.
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME SEPARATION ISSUES.
Where me put Larry mattress?

HOW COME WHEN ANYBODY DOES ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY COMPETENT, EVERYONE CALLS IT "GENIUS"?
THAT'S A PRETTY SMART OBSERVATION.
IT'S MORE THAN SMART. IT'S GENIUS.
WITH ME, IT'S PROPERLY USED.

I HAVE A NEW MOTTO DESIGNED TO ELIMINATE NINETY PERCENT OF THE PROBLEMS IN PEOPLES LIVES.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T CLICK 'SEND'
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.
FOR EXTRA PROTECTION, DEMOLISH YOUR KEYBOARD.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING THAT WILL BE REMEMBERED? NOTHING TO ENSURE YOUR NAME WILL ENDURE FOR THE AGES?
SOMETIMES. WHY?
BECAUSE I DO. SO YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE NAMELESS DOOHICKEY ON YOUR NAIL CLIPPERS THAT YOU USE TO CLEAN UNDER YOUR NAILS--THE SHARP LITTLE POINTY THING?
YEAH.
LET'S CALL THAT A 'STEPHAN PASTIS.'
HOW BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S MY LEGACY TO MY KIDS.
HEY, LOOK, I GOT SOME TOE JAM ON MY STEPHAN PASTIS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
IT'S ROBBY, THE ROBOT FROM THE 1950s. IT CAN DO MATH COMPUTATIONS, RESEARCH ANYTHING, AND EVEN TALK.
SO IT DOES LESS THAN MY PHONE.
ROBBY HATES THIS ERA.

DING
Miss u, Junior.
DING
Still miss u.
DING
Miss you again.
DING
DING
DING
DING DING DING
HOW IS JUNIOR GONNA STUDY AT BOARDING SCHOOL WITH YOU TEXTING HIM?
ME NOT TEXXING NO ONE!!

MY SON JUNIOR WENT OFF TO BOARDING SCHOOL TODAY. HE'S VERY SMART AND IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL.
WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND LARRY THINK ABOUT THAT?
WELL, HE'S ALWAYS SAID HE LOOKED FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN WE'D HAVE THE HOUSE TO OURSELVES AGAIN.
SO WHAT'S LARRY DOING? IS HE CELEBRATING?

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND LINDSEY. I THINK YOU'VE MET HER BEFORE.
YEAH, BUT I THINK YOUR HAIR WAS DIFFERENT.
YEAH. I DYE IT. LIKE, EVERY FEW MONTHS.
WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO CHANGE MY PHONE COVER TO MATCH.
PLUS, I'M ALWAYS CHANGING MY SCREEN SAVER. I GET TIRED OF THE SAME IMAGE AFTER, LIKE, TWO DAYS.
WHICH REMINDS ME, IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR ME TO GET MY HAIR DYED AGAIN.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
AND HOW LONG DO THOSE TATTOOS LAST?
MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN SHE CALLED YOU A SAD OLD MAN WHO'S GONNA DIE SOON.
IT WAS A FAIR QUESTION.

DID YOU HEAR STEPHAN HAS BEGUN PAINTING?
HE'S STARTING OUT BY PAINTING NUDES.
THAT'S TERRIFIC. A LOT OF GREAT ARTISTS HAVE GOTTEN THEIR START BY PAINTING NUDES.
PAINTING NUDE.
SOMETIMES THAT EXTRA 'S' MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

WANNA SEE THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD WITH ME?
SURE. WHICH ONE SHOULD WE SEE FIRST?
JIM, THE CYCLIST WHO DOESN'T FEEL SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE.
I SEE.
WELL, I FEEL IT. I JUST DON'T SHOW IT.
GOOD ENOUGH, JIMBO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BURYING A TIME CAPSULE SO THAT IN A THOUSAND YEARS, PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT WE WERE LIKE.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA. WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN THERE?
HI, GOAT.
YOU CAN'T BURY PIG.
FUNNY. THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
CAN I BREATHE THROUGH THIS SWIRLY STRAW?

Dear My Girlfriend Pigita,
I recently realized that everyone changes.
But I don't want things to change.
I want something good to always be good.
And I want the things I count on to always be there to count on.
So I'm now dating a pizza.
WE'LL SEE HOW SHE RESPONDS.

GIMME.
NO.
HEY, NEIGHBOR NANCY, DO YOU MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE THEIR WATER BOTTLES?
NOT IF IT'S AN OVERCAST DAY LIKE TODAY.
SO IF IT'S OVERCAST, NO SHARING. BUT IF IT'S SUNNY?
SUNNY AND SHARE.
I GOT YOU, BABE.

THIS POLITICIAN ONLY HAS A YEAR LEFT IN OFFICE AND HE CAN'T GET A SINGLE THING DONE. HE'S A REAL LAME DUCK.
THAT WAS CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I THINK I LEFT THE OVEN ON AT HOME. I GOTTA GO CHECK.
WELL?
NOPE. WASN'T ON. BUT NOW I'M THINKING I LEFT THE BARBEQUE ON. I GOTTA GO.
WELL?
NOT ON. BUT NOW I'M THINKING I LEFT THE IRON ON.
RAT, STOP. YOU'RE OBSESSING. YOU DON'T NEED TO CHECK EVERY LITTLE THING A MILLION TIMES.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL STOP.
OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN.
AHHHHHHHH
BETTER GO CHECK MY OVEN.

HEY, RAT, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH THE SMITHS AND ME TONIGHT? THEY'RE THE ONES WHO JUST GOT MARRIED.
I CAN'T. I NEVER BOUGHT THEM A WEDDING GIFT.
THAT'S OKAY. TRADITION SAYS YOU HAVE A YEAR AFTER THE WEDDING TO GET THEM SOMETHING.
I KNOW, SO IF I WAIT A YEAR AND A DAY, I DON'T HAVE TO GET THEM SQUAT.
I'M BIG ON TRADITION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
USING THIS DATING APP. YOU LOOK THROUGH PROFILES OF AVAILABLE WOMEN AND SWIPE RIGHT TO PICK WHICH OF THE ONES YOU'RE WILLING TO DATE.
YOU LIKED ALL 77,000 WOMEN.
THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES.
OH, LOOK. YOU'RE DATING A 90-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN A COMA.

THAT CLINIC DOWNTOWN THAT DID ENEMAS IS FINALLY CLOSING DOWN.
HOW COME?
I GUESS THEY FAILED TO MAKE SOME OF THEIR TAX PAYMENTS.
SO THEIR ENEMA BUSINESS IS IN ARREAR?
PLEASE STOP.
THEIR PAYMENTS WERE BEHIND.
DID THE LANDLORD SAY, NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTTS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M ABOUT TO OPEN A LETTER THAT I WROTE TO MY ADULT SELF YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
AWW... THERE'S SOMETHING SO APPEALING ABOUT THE OPTIMISTIC IDEALISM OF OUR YOUTH. READ IT AND SEE WHAT YOUNG YOU HAD TO SAY TO ADULT YOU.
HAVE YOU FAILED AT EVERYTHING YET?
I TRIED TO BE REALISTIC.

OKAY, RAT. WHY'D YOU INVITE ME TO THIS JAPANESE RESTAURANT?
TO BURY THE HATCHET. I THINK THE TWO OF US HAVE ANTAGONIZED EACH OTHER LONG ENOUGH.
WELL, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT. SO WHAT SHOULD I EAT?
EAT SHIITAKE.
ARRGH!!
NOT A FAN OF MUSHROOMS?

HEY, RAT. DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT CONGRESS?
I COULD CARE LESS.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MISUSE THAT EXPRESSION ALL THE TIME. IT'S ACTUALLY 'I COULDN'T CARE LESS,' BECAUSE IF YOU COULD CARE LESS, IT MEANS YOU ACTUALLY CARE.
I COULD CARE LESS.
THE POOR ENGLIGH LANGUAGE.
US DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE.

HONEY, IT'S A BOY.
ONE SEC.
HIS FIRST STEPS!
WHAT'S THAT NOW?
HE'S RIDING! HE'S RIDING!
TEXT... ALMOST... SENT...
I'M SO PROUD!
UH-HUH.
FRED! OUR SON GOT THE JOB!
SMASH
Fred was a good man. Fred was a--
WELL, THIS IS UPLIFTING.
TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP
I CALL IT 'NEVER LOOK UP... THE STORY OF OUR AGE.'
WHAT'S THAT NOW?