Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT... DO YOU HAVE TO OPEN A NEW BAG OF CHIPS? THERE ARE THREE OPEN ONES IN THE CUPBOARD.
YEAH, BUT THERE'S BARELY ANYTHING IN THEM.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST THROW THEM OUT?
BECAUSE AS A GENIUS, I MUST GUARD MY TIME ZEALOUSLY.
THAT GETS HIM OUT OF A LOT OF THINGS.

STUPID @#%&$#% DRIPPING CONE.
WHAT ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT?
WHINING??? MY ICE CREAM CONE IS DRIP -- ZEBRA?
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
BLEACH ACCIDENT. SPILLED IT EVERYWHERE. SORT OF MAKES YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM SEEM TRIVIAL, HUH?
TRIVIAL? STICKY ICE CREAM IS TRIVIAL?! THEN HERE, HAVE SOMETHING TRIVIAL.
UNICORN! UNICORN!
WHAT HAPPENS IN NORMAL COMIC STRIPS?
FLY ME TO CANDYLAND! FLY ME TO CANDYLAND!

HEY, GOAT,
WANT SOME OF MY
CHILI
CHEESE
FRIES?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON SOME NEW DIET WHERE YOU BURN OFF MORE CALORIES THAN YOU TAKE IN.
I WALKED TO THE KITCHEN TO GET THEM.
I'D GO BACK FOR A MILKSHAKE, BUT I'M TOO WINDED.

RAT PITCHES NEW CHARACTERS TO McDONALD'S
SIR, I KNOW YOU'VE REJECTED ALL MY CHARACTERS, BUT HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? I CALL HIM "SATCH."
SATCH, HUH? KINDA CUTE. IS IT SHORT FOR SOMETHING?
SATURATED FAT MOLECULE.
SECURITY, PLEASE.
LOOK, KIDS! I CLOG YOUR VEINS.

RAT PITCHES NEW CHARACTERS TO MCDONALD'S
SIR, WE APPRECIATE YOUR PITCHING NEW CHARACTERS TO US, BUT WE'RE HAPPY WITH THE ONES WE'VE GOT.
BUT YOU NEED AN ANTAGONIST.
YES, WELL, WE AT MCDONALD'S HAVE THE HAMBURGLAR FOR THAT, SO I THINK WE'LL PASS ON...ON...WHAT'S HIS NAME AGAIN?
MR. MC-PUNCH-YOU-IN-THE-FACE.
RIGHT.

RAT WENT TO MCDONALD'S CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS.
WHAT FOR?
HE'S TIRED OF ALL THEIR OLD CHARACTERS, LIKE RONALD McDONALD AND GRIMACE AND MAYOR McCHEESE, SO HE WANTS TO PITCH A NEW ONE TO THEM.
NEW, THAT'S NICE. WHO'S THE CHARACTER?
I THINK WE'LL PASS ON 'MR. McWHISKEY BARREL.'

HEY CHIEF… WE ALWAYS SWIM
IN SHOOLS, HOPING THAT THE
OTHER GUY GETS EATEN, BUT
HOW 'BOUT SOMETHING MORE
ORGANIZED. LIKE DYING
ALPHABETICALLY? :)
MAKES
SENSE
TO ME.
ANYONE
OPPOSED?
WHAT NOW, AARON AARONFSKY? :)

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RAT. I HAVE TO FLY WITH THESE MINERS TO THEIR MINING CONVENTION.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?
AIRLINE RULES.
WHAT AIRLINE RULES?
NO UNACCOMPANIED MINERS.
DO YOU REALLY MAKE A LIVING FROM THIS?

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT
SPENDING LARGE SUMS IN CONNECTION WITH ELECTIONS DOES NOT GIVE RISE TO CORRUPTION.
- MCCUTCHEON V. F.E.C.
HELLO, I AM CONGRESSMAN RAT.
THERE IS A LARGE SUM OF MONEY FOR WHICH I EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN.
I COULD NOT GIVE YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IT WOULD BE QUO QUID PRO QUO CORRUPTION.
OF COURSE. AS A SIDE NOTE, IF I CAN EVER HELP YOU AGAIN, YOU CAN BET THAT I WILL BE VERY MUCH AGAINST YOU.
I SEE, I WILL CONSIDER YOUR POSITION WITH THE LAW AND THIS SUM THAT I LOST.
NEXT!
SEE, I WILL GIVE YOU POSITION TO THE EXACT SUM THAT YOU WILL GET WHILE THE MAN WHO JUST SINGLEHANDEDLY FUNDED MY ENTIRE CAMPAIGN.
THANK YOU, HONEST CONGRESSMAN.
THANK YOU, VALUED CONSTITUENT.
I'M JOE NOBODY. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GIVE BUT I WOULD REALLY LIKE YOU TO VOTE FOR THE BILL THAT RESTORES MY TAXPAYER RIGHTS.
SORRY.
THAT SETTLED, THEY ALL RODE AWAY ON UNICORNS TO CANDYLAND.
SO MONEY DOESN'T INFLUENCE ANYONE!
NOPE, NOW HAVE A GUMDROP FROM THE GUMDROP TREE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
STUDYING FOR MY UPCOMING OPEN BOOK TEST.
WHAT'S THE TEST ABOUT?
WHETHER YOU CAN OPEN A BOOK.
WHY DO I GET INTO THESE DISCUSSIONS?
IT'S MUCH TRICKIER THAN IT LOOKS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
CONGRATULATE ME, PIG! MY WIFE AND I HAVE A KID IN THE OVEN!
YOU SHOULDN'T PUT KIDS IN THE OVEN, BOB.
THE WORLD HAS LOST ITS MORAL COMPASS.

I'M SORRY, DOC. BUT I'M JUST NOT COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR PHARMACEUTICAL REP. HE SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH OF A SLICK MARKETER.
I DISAGREE. TRY A VIAL OF HIS CHOLESTEROL PILLS.
BUT WHY SHOULD I
BECAUSE HIDDEN INSIDE FIVE BOTTLES ARE GOLDEN TICKETS TO PHILLY WONKA'S PHARMACEUTICAL FACTORY.
I'M GOING HOME NOW.
BUT WE ARE THE DREAMERS OF DREAMS!
I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO!

RAT, THE MEDICAL DOCTOR
WELL, FRED, LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL. FORTUNATELY, MY PHARMACEUTICAL REP JUST STOPPED BY WITH SOME GREAT NEW DRUGS.
I'M A LITTLE LEERY OF THAT, DOC. I HEAR THOSE GUYS CAN SOMETIMES PUSH THEIR PRODUCT A LITTLE HARD.
OH, NOT MY GUY. HE'S VERY PROFESSIONAL.
PILLS! PILLS! PILLS!
SOMETIMES HE GETS EXCITED.

TABLE FOR ONE, PLEASE.
SURE. ONE MOMENT.
CLEAR ALL THE EXTRA PLACE SETTINGS OFF TABLE FOUR, 'CAUSE THE GUY IS EATING ALL BY HIMSELF AS IN HE HAS NO FRIENDS AND NOBODY WILL DATE HIM!...
I SHOULD DINE OUT LESS OFTEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEPH?
WRITING DOWN THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK I JUST FINISHED. I KEEP METICULOUS TRACK OF ALL THE BOOKS I'VE READ. BEEN DOING IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
JUST SO YOU KNOW... WHEN YOU DIE, YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE.
PLEASE DON'T DENY ME THE TRICKS I USE TO GIVE THIS LIFE MEANING.
OH, AND NO ONE WANTS THE STUFF YOU SAVE IN THE ATTIC.

LEFT!
HALT!
GO AWAY, BOB. THE SCHOOL PROVIDES ME WITH PROTECTION.
SWIMMING IN A BIG SCHOOL AGAIN, TIMMY?
IT DOES, HUH. WHAT IS IT, TIMMY - THE SIZE? THE SHAPE?
I DON'T KNOW, BOB. YOU HAVE TO ASK MY BUDDIES.
E
A
T
T
I
N
Y
THAT IS A CRUEL JOKE.
THAT HAS A BRIEF CHARACTER.
CARTOONING IS A CRUEL BUSINESS.
WE'LL MISS YOU LITTLE TIMMY!

THE JOKES YOU WROTE ON YOUR BLOG YESTERDAY HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
REALLY?
YEAH, THE LACK OF HUMOR SO DEPRESSED ME THAT I SET MYSELF ON FIRE AND HAD TO ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR TO PUT MYSELF OUT.
WHY ELSE WOULD I BE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THIS ALGORITHM.
CAN AL GORE EVEN DANCE?
PERHAPS I SHOULD START OVER.
PERHAPS HE SHOULD STOP DANCING.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU MY NEW DOOFUS-OMETER. IT BEEPS TO WARN ME OF APPROACHING DOOFI.
IT'S YOUR PHONE. AND YOU'VE SET THE ALARM TO GO OFF ANY SECOND BECAUSE IT GIVES YOU A JUVENILE THRILL TO CALL ME A 'DOOFUS'.
I'VE LOST THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
LOOKING AT THIS LITTLE CARD IN THE FRONT OF MY LIBRARY BOOK. IT'S GOT A BUNCH OF NAMES ON IT.
YEAH, THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD THE BOOK BEFORE YOU.
YOU LITTLE TRAMP.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT, THE DRAMATIC END TO OUR SAD, LITTLE LEMMING LIVES... ALRIGHT, BOB, YOU JUMP TO YOUR DEATH FIRST.
I CAN'T.. I'M ALREADY TOUCHING THE GROUND.
WE NEED TO STAGGER OUR JUMPING TIMES.

HEY, RAT. YOU'RE BACK?
BACK FROM WHAT?
LAST WEEK, THE CREATOR OF "GARFIELD" HAD YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF. YOU CAN'T JUST REAPPEAR WITHOUT EXPLANATION.
LOOK, GUYS. I GLUED RAT'S HEAD BACK ON.
THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!
I NEED A NEW JOB.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Hullo. Me ees from guvmint. You mees deadline for Obamabare.
I THOUGHT THAT GOT EXTENDED.
No for zeebas.
SO WHAT NOW?
So now you ees subject to addenestrative penalty.
OH, GREAT. AND HOW MUCH IS THAT?
Dis hurt me more den yo.
A lot.
OUR GOVERNMENT IS OUT OF CONTROL.

LISTEN, MR. DAVIS, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENED. COULD I... MAYBE... GIVE YOU SOME MONEY TO SMOOTH THINGS OVER?
SURE. WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU MAKE IN A YEAR.
I MADE THAT IN THE TIME IT TOOK YOU TO WRITE THAT SENTENCE.
CAN I WASH YOUR CAR?
I THROW THEM OUT WHEN THEY'RE DIRTY.

HEY, STEPH. IT'S ME, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I'M GOING TO JIM DAVIS' STUDIO TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT WE DID TO GARFIELD, BUT I'M LOST IN SOME MIDWESTERN CORNFIELD...
HANG ON A SEC, PIG... I THINK I HEAR SOMETHING...
IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME...
BUILD WHAT? BUILD WHAT?
SUCTION CUP CATS THAT STICK TO YOUR CAR WINDOW...
THINGS ARE GETTING WEIRD, PIG.