Pearls Before Swine | Search

In deference to those who say cartoonists should refrain from depicting anything that could cause offense to others, today we delete all of the Pearls characters who have ever caused offense to others.
THIS COULD GET BORING.
YES, BUT IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE.
OH, WHAT A BETTER WORLD!

RAT'S WORLD OF AMAZING THINGS
THE CULVINIAN DIAMOND
THE MADAGASCAR POCHARD
THE WORLD'S LARGEST DIAMOND
THE WORLD'S RAREST BIRD
BOB SCHLABONSKI
A CONTRACTOR WHO SHOWS UP WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL
IT'S THE MOST POPULAR EXHIBIT.
GIVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER!

HEY, BARTENDER. IS THIS PLACE NEW
YES. IT’S A HIGH-END WHISKEY BAR. I RECOMMEND A SCOTCH BLEND DISTILLED AT LEAST THRICE AND AGED SIX YEARS IN OAK BARRELS... SERVED NEAT, OF COURSE, IN A TULIP-SHAPED GLASS TO PRESERVE THE AROMA.
ME WANT BEER.
I LIKE TO KEEP THE SNOBS IN THEIR PLACE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I TURNED THIS FIGURE POT INTO A SEAT. IT'S PRETTY COMFORTABLE.
LOOK, YOU CAN STAND ON IT, TOO.
NO YOU CAN'T ... IT'LL BREAK. IT'S FOR SITTING ONLY.
REALLY?
YES! SIT OR GET OFF THE POT!
AREN'T YOU TWO CLEVER?
STAY OFF THE POT, CENSOR.

THE BIGGEST CITY IN NIGERIA IS TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR ECONOMY BY PRODUCING FROZEN WAFFLES. THEIR LOGO IS JUST THE CITY'S NAME. AND TO PROMOTE THEM, THEY'RE PUTTING CHILDREN'S BUILDING BLOCKS IN EACH ONE.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO WHAT?
LET'S GO GET LAGOS LOGO EGGO LEGOS.
LET'S NOT.

WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD U2'S "JOSHUA TREE ALBUM"?
AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE. IN THE LIVING ROOM. SUMMER OF '87.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD NIRVANA'S "NEVERMIND"?
HIGH SCHOOL. PARKING LOT. RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. WINDY. FALL DAY.
GUNS N' ROSES' "APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION"?
AT A MOTEL IN KENOSHA, WISCONSIN. THE MANAGER'S ROOM SMELLED LIKE CIGARS.
WRRINGGG
HANG ON...I GOTTA TAKE THIS CALL.
BLAH BLAH BLAH OKAY. BYE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT...OKAY, WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT?
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
I CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER AND PLAYING POKER, MR. DEATH.
SURE. BUT I NOTICE YOU HAVE FIVE ACES. HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?
GEE. I DON'T KNOW. BUT I GUESS I WIN.
I LOVE CHEATING DEATH.

OKAY, STAC, LISTEN. AS FLAWED A HUSBAND AS I MAY BE, I WANT TO SAY THAT BEING MARRIED TO YOU HAS MADE ME A BETTER PERSON. AND EVEN IF WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER.
OH, STEPHAN, THAT'S SO SWEET. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, OR HOW TO ---
Dis you kid?
DON'T LET THIS RUIN THE MOMENT, STAC!
HIYA, POPS.

Hey, Doc, Wife plop out kid yet?
YES, LARRY. YOUR WIFE GAVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY SON.
Son? HAHA. Look like Dad?
YES. WELL, WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THAT BECAUSE...
Me should problee have talk wid wife.
Hiya, Pops.

SO LARRY, YOU'LL BE IN HERE FOR THE DELIVERY TO ASSIST YOUR WIFE?
NO. ME BE IN HALL PLAYING 'FRUIT NINJA.'
BUT, SIR, THIS IS YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILD HERE. SURELY YOU WANT TO SEE THAT.
HEY...ME MIGHT LIKE HOT DOGS, BUT DAT DO MEAN ME WANT SEE HOW DEY MADE.
YOU MARRIED THIS MAN?
HAHA...YEAH. NOONUM MAKE POOR CHOICES.

FIRST KID?
NO. IS SECOND.
WELL, IT'S MY FIRST. FOR ME, ITS AS EXCITING AS FLYING TO THE MOON OR SOMETHING.
FOR ME, EES AS EXCITING AS CLEANING ROOF GUTTERS.
I HEARD THAT, LARRY!
DA THRILL IS GONE, NOOMUN! DA THRILL IS GONE!

LARRY, I HAVE SOME BIG NEWS FOR YOU.
Wuh?
You eet too much meatloaf.?
IT'S A CHILD, YOU IDIOT.
You eet child ?

To all banks, insurance companies, computer makers, cable providers, and other big giganto corporations.
Thank you for your beautiful commercials filled with beautiful people telling me beautiful things about your beautiful company.
I can see from all these ads that you really want me to like you… And I WANT to like you.
So here's a suggestion.
Sometimes I have to call you. And when I do, instead of spending all those billions on ads…
HAVE A LIVE, NON-ROBOTIC HUMAN IN THIS COUNTRY PROMPTLY PICK UP THE %&*@^ PHONE!!!!!
I THINK I BLEW OUT MY NERVOUS SYSTEM.
TOO BAD… THE TIME FOR OUR HEALTH INSURER IS TWELVE HOURS.

WHERE WAS PIG TODAY? I DIDN'T SEE HIM AT THE DINER.
I GAVE HIM ONE OF THOSE CHINESE FINGER TRAPS.
ONE OF THOSE SMALL WOVEN CYLINDERS THAT FREE YOU EASILY IF YOU JUST RELAX YOUR FINGERS AND DON'T PANIC?
I CHOSE PANIC.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HE SAID HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND PIGITA HAD GOTTEN BORING, SO I TOLD HIM TO SPICE IT UP WITH SOME ROLE PLAYING.
ROLE PLAYING? DOES HE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU?
NO.

OH, KEN, WHAT A GREAT FIRST DATE.
I AGREE, STACI... IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE HOW THE NIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER.
YOU'RE CRUSHING THE BASKET, KEN.
I CAN THINK OF A WAY.
HE'S BITING MY LEG.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG.
I INVENTED A TIME MACHINE.
BUT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT TRYING IT.
WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IT TRAVELS BACK.
IT COULD TRAVEL FORWARD.
SO? LET'S TRY IT.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN IF WE MOVE OUR LIVES FORWARD A BUNCH OF YEARS?

HI, STACI...IT SURE IS NICE TO MEET YOU IN PERSON AFTER SEEING YOUR PROFILE ON THAT DATING SITE...HEY, BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW THERE’S A MAN ON YOUR PORCH?:)
THATS MY EX. HE LIVES THERE.
I DON'T GIVE UP EASILY.

HEY SAM! HEY ELLA! HOW'S YOUR AUTO PARTS BUSINESS DOING?
NOT GOOD. WE DEVELOPED A BRAKE CALLED THE OUT-BRAKE 'CAUSE IT CAN OUT-BRAKE ANY OTHER ON THE MARKET. BUT NO ONE COMES INTO OUR STORE TO BUY IT.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE STORE WHERE YOU TWO SELL I T?
THE SAM AND ELLA OUT-BRAKE STORE.
OUR CAFÉ'S DOING PARTICULARLY BAD.

LOOK, PIG. IT'S A MESSAGE
IN A BOTTLE.
Trapped on
island. Situation
dire. HELP.

That was from my husband.
He is on vacation with me and
my parents. I hardly think
that qualifies as dire.

YOU'VE NEVER MET
HER PARENTS.
THIS IS
GETTING
UGLY.
LOOK, SHE
HAS A
RETORT.

I'M THINKING OF STARTING A BUSINESS.
OH, GOOD. WELL, ONE OF YOUR FIRST STEPS SHOULD BE DRAFTING A MISSION STATEMENT YOU KNOW, OUTLINING YOUR VISION AND YOUR IDEAS..
WRITE WRITE WRITE
Make ** loads of money.
NOT REALLY A MISSION STATEMENT.
OH. THEN HOW 'BOUT, "I IMPOSE MY WILL." ?

UH-OH. WE HAVE A BIG FLY IN HERE. I DON'T WANT IT LANDING ON THE DINNER I'M SERVING.

JUST SWAT IT.

OH, GOSH, NO. I CAN'T KILL A LIVING THING. IT HAS AS MUCH OF A RIGHT TO BE HERE AS WE DO.

FINE. WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

LAMB.

I'M HOPING IT DIED OF OLD AGE.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S THE HARDEST PART ABOUT DOING A COMIC STRIP?
LACK OF SPACE. ESPECIALLY FOR DIALOGUE.
HEY, GUYS, DID YOU HEAR ZEBRA INHALED SOME VERY FINE PARTICLES FROM A VOLCANO? HE NOW HAS PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.
MUST YOU USE THE LONGEST WORD IN THE DICTIONARY?
OA. NO. NOT PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS!
YEAH... PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICONOODINOSIS!

THIS ARTICLE IS SO DEPRESSING. IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW BIG OF A PROBLEM TIGER POACHING HAS BECOME.
I'M SORRY, PIG, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIGER POACHING IS?
WHEN TIGERS TAKE THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO THEM.
NO.
WHEN TIGERS COOK EGGS?

DO YOU THINK THE GOVERNMENT WASTES MONEY?
I THINK THE GOVERNMENT DOES MANY GOOD THINGS.
GUYS! GUYS! I JUST GOT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT'S 2014 GUIDE TO ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS!
LIKE SAVING US FROM MARSHMALLOWS?
HEY, DID YOU KNOW FIRE CAN HURT YOU?