Pearls Before Swine | Search

I DON'T GET IT. WE TEACH EVERY KINDERGARTEN STUDENT TO SHARE AND YET SOMEHOW EVERYONE GROWS UP TO BE A SELFISH GRAZG.

SO WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND
THAT WE TEACH EVERY KID TO BE A SELFISH GRAZG AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
IT'S A WONDER YOU'RE NOT IN EDUCATION.
'DAY I'...
HOW TO FIGHT FOR SANDBOX SUPREMACY'.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I BOUGHT A PARROT. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE AN EXOTIC BIRD FOR A FEW YEARS.
PARROTS LIVE 75 YEARS OR LONGER, BARRING SOME HARMFUL EXTERNAL CIRCUMSTANCE.
CIGARETTE ?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M RIDING MY BICYCLE TO THE GROCERY STORE.
WHERE'S THE BICYCLE?
STEPHAN CAN'T DRAW THEM.
HAS IT COME TO THIS?
LOOK. I'M PLAYING THE TUBA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, STEPH?
BAGELS FROM MY TRIP TO MONTREAL. MONTREAL MAKES THE BEST BAGELS IN THE WORLD.
SCREW YOUZE, CARTOON BOY!
NEW YORK OFFERS A RETORT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY IS THE RIGHT PERSON?
WELL, PIG, YOU DO YOUR BEST, BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S A BIT OF A COIN FLIP.
AND IF THE COIN LANDS ON ITS EDGE, YOU'VE FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON.
YOU'RE RATHER CYNICAL.
HEY, IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
I SHALL NEVER MARRY ANYONE!!

WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEK, STEPHAN?
I VISITED MONTREAL. BIKED THROUGH THE PLATEAU. WALKED THE STREETS OF OLD MONTREAL. CLIMBED MOUNT ROYAL.
SOUNDS LIKE TOO MUCH EXERCISE. DID YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE?
I ATE POUTINE. WHICH IS A BIG BOWL OF FRENCH FRIES SMOTHERED IN CHEESE CURDS AND GRAVY AND SOMETIMES PILED HIGH WITH SMOKED MEAT.
I AM MOVING TO MONTREAL!!
YOU HAD HIM AT CHEESE CURDS.
GRANT ME ASYLUM, YOU LOVELY POUTINE PEOPLE!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RATS?
BRAND NEW SMARTPHONE. IT'S INCREDIBLE. THESE THINGS CAN DO ANYTHING NOW.
LIKE WHAT?
IT CAN MONITOR MY HEALTH, MY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, MY HEART RATE. I CAN ASK IT QUESTIONS.
IT CAN PAY FOR THINGS WIRELESSLY. IT TAKES DICTATION. OH, AND IT SENDS ME UPDATES ON LOCAL WEATHER. SO I ALWAYS HAVE THE LATEST INFORMATION INSTANTANEOUSLY.
COOL. SHOW ME SOMETHING.
OKAY. HERE. WATCH IT DOWNLOAD THE LATEST WEATHER INFO.
HERE IT COMES.
IT'S GONNA RAIN.
HANG ON. STILL DOWNLOADING.

JACK SPRAT COULD EAT NO FAT. HIS WIFE COULD EAT NO LEAN. AND SO BETWEEN THEM BOTH, YOU SEE, THEY LICKED THE PLATTER CLEAN.
'MOST GROSS," SAID HAL, THEIR HOST, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO EAT MEAT? DON'T LICK OUR PLATES, YOU REPROBATE, OR BOTH OF YOU I SHALL BEAT.'
MUST YOU RUIN EVERY NURSERY RHYME?
HEY, THEY EAT LIKE PIGS.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.
I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THE PART ABOUT FRED FLINTSTONE.
I'M MORE INTELLECTUAL THAN I LOOK.

WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP, RAT?
I AM FROM CHILE REJENO. I AM ITS AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED STATES.
IF YOU'RE GONNA BECOME AN AMBASSADOR TO GAIN DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY FOR YOUR VIOLENT WAYS, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST KNOW THAT CHILE REJENO IS A STUFFED PEPPER, NOT A COUNTRY.
YOU'VE INSULTED MY PEOPLE. PREPARE TO BE A PIÑATA.
ADIOS.
OOH! OOH! THERE'S CANDY IN THERE?

DID YOU SEE THAT NEW YORK'S TRYING TO PROSECUTE THIS GUY FOR ROBBERY, BUT IT CAN'T?
WHY NOT?
THE GUY'S AN AMBASSADOR FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, SO HE HAS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY FOR ANY CRIME HE MIGHT COMMIT.
HE'S LIVING THE DREAM!
NO.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T TELL HIM.

DID YOU KNOW THE EARTH IS ONLY 5,000 YEARS OLD?
WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE INTERNET.
YOU KNOW, PIG, NOT EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
THAT WAS MORE THAN HE COULD TAKE.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT TO BE ALIVE IS TO SUFFER.
AND THAT THE ELIMINATION OF THAT SUFFERING IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING INNER PEACE.
THUS, BEER.
I'M NOT SURE IF I'M A PHILOSOPHER OR A DRUNK.

WHERE?
IN THE LITTLE TRAY.
WHAT TRAYS?
THE LITTLE TRAY IN THE DVD PLAYER.
WHICH ONES? THEY'RE OLD.
ON TOP OF THE T.V. SET.
OKAY. OKAY... GIMME A... GIMME A... GIMME A...
THERE...OKAY...GOT IT IN. AND NOW I'M WATCHING SOME EXPLOSION.
GOOD. YOU'RE WATCHING "THE CIVIL WAR"?
NO. THE T.V. EXPLODED.
NEVER BUY YOUR PARENT ANYTHING INVENTED IN THE LAST 30 YEARS.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, RAT?
I'M IN MY BIG SPACE YEARS.
WHAT'S THAT S'POSE TO MEAN?
WHEN YOU'RE REALLY YOUNG, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A BASSINET. AND WHEN YOU DIE, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A CASKET. AND IN BETWEEN ARE THE BIG SPACE YEARS.
WELL, THAT'S A PLEASANT THOUGHT.
ENJOY THE SPACE WHILE YOU CAN!!!

I'M SORRY, PIG... I'M AFRAID I'VE GOTTEN US LOST.
THAT'S OKAY, GOAT. WE CAN ALWAYS JUST ASK OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD POLICE OFFICER.
YOU ASK HIM.

HEY, GOAT... WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM IS YOUR FAVORITE?
MY FAVORITE? THE GREATEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL. THE (Editors - Please fill in name of local football team).
YOU PANDERING IDIOT.
THAT SHOULD HAVE WORKED.

OKAY, PIRATE BOY...I'M TIRED OF YOUR STUPID GAMES...GIVE ME BACK MY GRISFLOG LAPTOP.
ALRIGHT, FINE...I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS.
YOU BURIED MY LAPTOP.
HEY...PIRATES DON'T HAVE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT
IT'S MY NEW LAPTOP. TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING.
AVAST, YE MATEY!
PIRATE BOY IS VERY ANNOYING.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I'M PIRATE BOY.
FROM NOW ON, I'M
LIVING MY LIFE
AS A PIRATE.
YEAH, WELL, PIRATES WERE MORE
THAN EYE-PATCHES AND HATS.
THEY MADE THEIR LIVING BY
STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S CARGO.
THAT'S
FROM YOUR
LIVING
ROOM.
PUT
IT
BACK
NOW.

HEY, PIG. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, NEIGHBOR BOB. AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA IS LEANING MORE THAN EVER AND IN DANGER OF COLLAPSE.
SO?
SO SOME OTHER ACTIVISTS AND I WANT TO GET THE GOVERNMENT TO SPEND MONEY AND SAVE IT.
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
WE'RE GONNA GET A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO STAND OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS AND CHANT 'PISA! PISA! PISA!'
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO DO THAT, TOO?
ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE 'PISA' CHANTS.
IMAGINE.
THERE'S NO STEPHAN.
IT'S EASY IF YOU TRY.

WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF WHEN YOU WERE A KID, NEIGHBOR BOB? YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU GREW UP AND HAD A FAMILY.
OH, FLYING TO THE MOON. WINNING THE WORLD SERIES. BECOMING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WHAT DO YOU DREAM OF NOW?
GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN PEACE.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DREAM.
JUST TEN QUIET MINUTES TO DO MY BUSINESS.

LOOKS LIKE THERE'S BEEN A SPATE OF GRAVE ROBBERIES AT THAT OLD CEMETERY DOWNTOWN.
WHY? ARE THEY HOPING TO FIND JEWELRY OR SOMETHING?
I GUESS. WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE RANSACK A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD GRAVE?
Not much meat on bones, Bob.
Is like worst buffet ever.

AND THAT'S HOW MUCH THE WORLD'S FATTEST MAN WEIGHS. I SWEAR.
THAT NUMBER SEEMS TOO HIGH. I'LL JUST LOOK IT UP ON MY SMARTPHONE.
YEP. TOO HIGH.
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN WE COULD BULL#*&G WITH IMPUNITY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
THIS HOMELESS-LOOKING GUY WAS ROAMING DOWN THE STREET WITH A SCYTHE, SO I HAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD TO STOP HIM.
YOU BEAT UP FATHER TIME.
OH, WELL. IT WAS A BAD YEAR ANYWAYS.