Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE DO YOU WRITE YOUR
COMIC STRIP?
AT A CAFE IN
SANTA ROSA,
CALIFORNIA.
HOW LONG
DOES IT
TAKE?
ABOUT
THREE
HOURS.
DOES THE OWNER LIKE
THAT YOU BUY ONE $2.00 CUP OF COFFEE
AND OCCUPY A TABLE
FOR THREE HOURS?
I'M A WORLD FAMOUS
CARTOONIST!
THANK YOU,
SIR, THANK
YOU!
WE CAN
KILL HIM IF
YOU'D LIKE.

RAT AND I ARE GOING HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS THIS WEEK-END. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A CAMPFIRE.
THAT'S GREAT. BRING AN INSTRUMENT SO YOU CAN PLAY SONGS.
IS THAT WORTH IT?
SURE. CAMPFIRE SONGS ARE FUN.
ARE YOU RESTING AGAIN?

I'VE BECOME A SOCIOLOGIST. I STUDY WORLD POPULATION GROWTH AND TRY AND DETERMINE GLOBAL TRENDS.
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR?
THAT STUPID PEOPLE ARE REPRODUCING FASTER THAN SMART PEOPLE.
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.

OKAY, EVERYONE, COMING UP IS OUR FIRST ITEM OF HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE.
IT'S CALLED A "TELEPHONE BOOTH" AND PEOPLE USED TO STEP INTO THIS BOX TO CONTACT OTHER PEOPLE.
HAHA. I GOTTA POST THAT ON FACEBOOK.
AND HERE WE HAVE WHAT WAS KNOWN AS A "MAILBOX". PEOPLE WOULD PUT THEIR COMMUNICATIONS IN IT, AND THEY WOULD BE DELIVERED TO SOMEONE A FEW DAYS LATER.
A FEW DAYS? HAHAHA...
WHOAH. WHAT IS IT?
WHAT YOU HAVE HERE IS WHAT WAS KNOWN AS A "BOOK".
WOW. WHAT DID IT DO?
WELL, IT HAS WORDS PRINTED ON PAPER AND YOU READ THEM TO LEARN THINGS.
SORRY, WHAT? I WAS CHECKING MY TWITTER FEED.
MY, THESE TOURS DEPRESS ME.
AND WHO'S THAT HOMELESS GUY?
THAT'S CALLED A "ROCK STAR". THEY USED TO SELL MUSIC FOR MONEY.

HEY JEN... MATING SEASON BEGINS TODAY AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE TO GET A DRINK.
SURE. LET'S GO ON SEPTEMBER FIRST.
MATING SEASON ENDS THE LAST DAY OF AUGUST.
YEP.
MATING SEASON CAN BE CRUEL.

HEY,
NEIGHBOR
BOB. HOW
GOES IT?
GOOD. WHY
ARE YOU
DRESSED
UP?
MATING
SEASON
BEGINS
TODAY.
ZEBRAS
HAVE A
MATING
SEASON?
YEAH.
DON'T
HUMANS?
IS
"ANYTIME I
CAN GET IT"
A SEASON?
SOUNDS
MORE
LIKE A
PRAYER.
GENERALLY.

HEY THERE, GOAT. DID YOU LIKE THE BIRTHDAY CAKE I SENT YOU?
I LOVED IT, PIG! THAT WAS VERY KIND OF YOU.
AND DID YOU SEE I GOT YOU THOSE CANDLES THAT YOU THINK YOU'VE BLOWN OUT, BUT THEN THEY RE-LIGHT?
THOSE WERE TRICK CANDLES?
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?
THE POLICE BLOCKED OFF THE STREETS. THEY SAID THEY WERE CHASING SOME LAWBREAKER. BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A LAWBREAKER IS.
HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE? THE WORD TELLS YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW. A LAWBREAKER IS SOMEONE WHO BREAKS THE LAW.
SO MY WINDBREAKER BREAKS WIND?
PLEASE SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
I AM SO RETURNING THIS THING.

HEY, RAT...WHO CROSSED ALL THE TUESDAYS OFF OUR CALENDAR?
I DID. EVERYTHING BAD THAT'S EVER HAPPENED HAS HAPPENED ON A TUESDAY.
SO YOU JUST GOT RID OF THEM?
YES. SO NOW WE GO STRAIGHT FROM MONDAY TO WEDNESDAY.
OUR MONTH MAY BE A LITTLE QUICK.
NO IT WON'T. I ADDED FRIDAYS.

GUARD DUCK FOUND OUT THAT THE CHEF HERE STILL SERVES FOIE GRAS, WHICH IS THAT FATTY DUCK LIVER THEY CREATE BY FORCE-FEEDING THE DUCK WITH A TUBE.
DOES THAT HURT?
WE'LL SEE.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT HURTS.
CHEW, FATTY, CHEW!

I'M TIRED OF ALL US LEMMINGS DYING MEANINGLESS DEATHS. I WANT TO DIE A HERO.
VROOM VROOM VROOM VROOM VROOM
WOOSH
THUNNK
I JUST WON THE SUPER BOOOOWL
HE'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO DISNEY WORLD.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YES.
DO ALL CAFE WORKERS HAVE TO HAVE A NOSE RING, TATTOOS, AND A LOOK OF TOTAL DISINTEREST?
I'D GET MAD, BUT I DON'T CARE ENOUGH.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE COLORS OTHER THAN BLACK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
I'M WRITING AN ARTICLE ABOUT AN ALLEGED SIKH PRIEST WHO GETS HIS DOG TO ATTACK SOMEONE, BUT THERE'S A MISSPELLING IN THE QUOTE I WANT TO USE.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
"Sic him," said the sick sikkh [sic].
GET A REAL JOB.

WHERE YOU
OFF TO,
PIG?
JOB INTERVIEW.
AND I'M
NERVOUS. I REALLY NEED
TO IMPRESS THEM.
YOU WILL. JUST BE SURE TO PUT
YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD.
PLEASE GET THAT OUT OF MY
FACE.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. PIG AND I WENT SHOPPING AND I GOT ONE OF THOSE ‘I’M NUMBER ONE’ FOAM FINGERS.
THAT’S GREAT. DID PIG GET ONE, TOO?
IT WAS THE MOST I FELT COMFORTABLE WITH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
STUDYING ALL THE WORLD'S GREAT RELIGIONS TO TRY AND DETERMINE MY PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE ON THIS EARTH.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR?
THAT I'D RATHER BE WATCHING SPORTSCENTER.
OOOH. TOP PLAYS.
I'VE FOUND MY PURPOSE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A BUDGET AND SEE WHICH BIG, ANNUAL EXPENSES I CAN CUT OUT.
WHAT ABOUT THE CARAMEL MACCHIATO YOU BUY EVERY DAY?
HAHA. THOSE ARE ONLY FOUR BUCKS.
WHICH OVER A YEAR IS $1,460.
I'M ON TO YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
MY FOOTBALL TEAM JUST WON.
WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR TEAM. YOU DON'T OWN IT.
WELL, DUH ... RICH GUY DOES.
DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE ON THE TEAM?
NO. NOT PERSONALLY.
DO YOU HELP THEM WITH STRATEGY?
OF COURSE NOT.
DO THEY GIVE YOU SOMETHING IF THEY WIN?
NO. THEY DON'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.
NO MONEY? NO GIFTS? NO PLAQUE?
NO. NOTHING.
SO YOU'RE CHEERING BECAUSE ONE RICH GUY'S COMPANY BEAT ANOTHER RICH GUY'S COMPANY?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU JUST DON'T INVITE TO SUPER BOWL PARTIES.

DID YOU TRY THAT NEW STEAK PLACE DOWNTOWN? EVERYONE EATS AT A BIG, COMMUNAL TABLE.
A COMMUNAL TABLE? AS IN YOU EAT WITH STRANGERS?
YEAH.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NOT A FAN?
HELL IS A COMMUNAL TABLE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS KIT. IT'S SO WE CAN BE READY FOR NATURAL DISASTERS AND STUFF.
WHAT'S IN IT?
BEER AND HOT DOGS.
WE'RE READY FOR ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
FUNYUNS. THEY’RE FUN AND ONION-FLAVORED. SO THEY CALL THEM ‘FUNYUNS.’
I PREFER THE FLAVOR OF ONIONS ON HAMBURGER BUNS. IF I MADE SNACK FOODS, THAT’S WHAT I’D MAKE.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THEM?
‘BUNIONS.’
THERE MIGHT BE A MARKETING PROBLEM.
OUR SLOGAN WOULD BE, ‘NOT THE FEET KIND.’

HEY, STEPH, READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?
YEAH. I'M GOING TO AUSTRALIA, SO I READ TONS OF BOOKS ON ITS HISTORY, TOPOGRAPHY, CULTURE, GEOGRAPHY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH OF IT DO YOU REMEMBER?
THEY HAVE KANGAROOS.
PROBLEM WITH RETENTION?
WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER READING?

NO OFFENSE, VICTOR THE VEGAN, BUT I FIND YOU TO BE A LITTLE SELF-RIGHTEOUS ABOUT YOUR LIFESTYLE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, BECAUSE I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE VEGAN INCLUDING DRIVING FOR HOURS TO FIND A VEGAN CAFE.
I HOPE THAT'S AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE YOU'RE DRIVING, YOU CARBON-EMITTING, ICECAP-MELTING, POLAR BEAR-KILLING SCUM.
THE
HIPPIES
ARE FIGHTING.
I MAY KILL THE POLAR BEAR, BUT AT LEAST I DON'T EAT HIM!!

SO WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU EAT, VICTOR THE VEGAN?
FRUITS. VEGETABLES. NUTS. GRAINS.
GRAINS? I'M FREDDY THE FRUITARIAN. I ONLY EAT THINGS THAT FALL FROM TREES, YOU BARBARIAN WHEAT BUTCHER!
WHERE DOES IT ALL END?
I WILL PELT YOU WITH A PEAR, FREDDY THE FRUITARIAN!!

HELLO
HI, STEPHAN, IT'S THE HEAD OF YOUR COMIC STRIP SYNDICATE, JOHN GLYNN.
REALLY? IT'S THE HEAD OF THE SYNDICATE?
LISTEN, OUR GOAL AT THE SYNDICATE IS TO NOT UPSET ANYONE. AND SOME OF YOUR STRIPS HAVE BEEN OVER-THE-TOP LATELY.
THEY HAVE?
YES. INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, MOCKERY. NO ONE LIKES MOCKERY.
I SEE.
SO CLEAN IT UP, OR YOU'LL GET ANOTHER CALL FROM ME, AND IT WON'T BE AS PLEASANT AS THIS ONE.
I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD. I APPRECIATE YOU SEEING THE COMPANY'S POINT OF VIEW ON THIS.
YOU BET, JOHN GLYNN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME BACK BY DEPICTING ME IN AN UNFLATTERING MANNER, AREN'T YOU?
I HATE YOU, PASTIS.