Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH, DANNY DONKEY.
BAD DANNY.
So Danny defied his friends and slipped inside a bottle.
Beer isn't good for you, Danny Donkey.
You can't live your life inside a bottle, Danny.
Where he enjoyed the smell.
Beer is nice.
And the beer goggle view.
YOU'RE ALL SO PRETTY.
And the muffled sound.
Nirvana achieved, Danny never came out of the bottle again.
POSITIVELY UPLIFTING!
SOME LECTURES BACKFIRE.
WAIT FOR ME, DANNY DONKEY!!!

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW'S YOUR WEEK BEEN? :)
NOT GREAT. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS
I'M GONNA STOP THAT EXPRESSION ONE SPEAKER AT A TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
HANG ON. IT'S THE FINAL MINUTE OF THIS PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALL MATCH.
LOOKS LIKE SOCCER.
IN EUROPE, IT'S CALLED FOOTBALL. NOW HUSH!
SO IF THEIR SOCCER IS FOOTBALL, IS THEIR FOOTBALL SOCCER?
NO. IF THEIR SOCCER IS FOOTBALL, IS THEIR FOOTBALL SOCCER?
THEN THEY DON'T HAVE FOOTBALL!
THEN WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WATCHING?
SO WE DECIDED TO WATCH TENNIS.

HEY! MY OLD FRIEND, TOM! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN YEARS. HOW GOES IT!
OH, CAN'T COMPLAIN. I'M STILL MARRIED. I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL KIDS.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD THREE.
TWO THAT ARE WONDERFUL.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ON YOUR PHONE, GOAT?
THESE PHOTOS OF A TEMPLE IN EGYPT. THAT SEMICIRCULAR RECESS IN THE BUILDING IS CALLED AN APSE.
WHAT’S PAINTED ON IT?
THOSE ARE THE SNAKES THAT ARE SAID TO HAVE KILLED CLEOPATRA.
WOW. AND YOU FOUND ALL OF THIS ON YOUR PHONE?
YEAH. ON THESE APSE APSE APSE APPS.
TRY SAYING IT THREE TIMES FAST.
TRY WRITING A JOKE THAT’S NOT LAME.

BOMBAST CABLE-HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I WANT TO CANCEL CABLE. NOW THAT I HAVE NETFLIX AND HULU, I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR 700 WORTHLESS CHANNELS ANYMORE.
SO THAT'S IT? YOU WANT TO CANCEL YOUR ENTIRE ACCOUNT?
WELL, NO. I STILL WANT ESPN.
HA! TO GET ESPN, YOU HAVE TO GET ALL 700 WORTHLESS CHANNELS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
THE CABLE COMPANY IS A WORTHY FOE.

HEY, RICKY RAISIN. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I WON THE LOTTERY. GOT A NEW CAR. GOT A NEW BEACH HOUSE. GOT A NEW GIRLFRIEND... OH, WELL. GOTTA GO.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A RAISIN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR, MA?
OHHH, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
WELL, I'M GONNA GET YOU SOMETHING, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU HAVE TO GET ME ANYTHING.
PLEASE NAME SOMETHING.
SAVE YOUR MONEY.
YOU'RE GONNA END UP WITH A GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE.
OHH, I LIKE EVERYTHING
FINE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MA...IT'S A COOKED-SQUID-ON-ROLLER-SKATES-CLOCK-RADIO.
OH, SON...THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
MOMS ARE DIFFERENT.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR, PHIL. HE'S A REAL PEOPLE PERSON, SO HE'S LOOKING FOR A JOB WHERE HE CAN WORK AROUND PEOPLE.
GREAT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
CORONER.
THE DEAD ARE MUCH LESS WHINY.

RAT, THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR FROM ACROSS THE STREET. YOU MET HER ONCE.
OH, YEAH. YOU'RE ABBY.
I'M FLATTERED. HOW DID YOU REMEMBER THAT MY NAME IS ABBY?
RHYMES WITH CRABBY.
WHY YOU LITTLE--
ASK ME HOW I REMEMBER YOUR SISTER, CASS.
WE SHOULD GO HOME NOW.

Hey, Fred...Gome about stort and dis last beer in fridge.
Last beer in fridge? Hang on. Me fix.
Beep Boop Boop
ME GOT NO BEER!!
911 EMERGENCY SERVICES
IT'S HIM AGAIN.
HANG UP THE PHONE, TRUDY.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW SOMETIMES IT TAKES ELDERLY FOLKS A LONG TIME TO CROSS THE STREET, OFTEN CAUSING A TRAFFIC JAM? WELL, I'VE COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT MAY HELP THEM.
THAT'S GREAT. A LIT CROSSWALK? A PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE?
OLD PEOPLE BUNGEE CORD.
THERE COULD BE LIABILITY ISSUES.

HEY, GOAT, CAN YOU HELP ME MOVE MY NEW FUTON? MY BUDDY JUAN GOT IT IN A RAFFLE AND DIDN'T WANT IT.
WHAT'S THAT PATTERN ON IT?
WONTONS. IT CAME FROM CHINA. BUT BE CAREFUL MOVING IT. IT WEIGHS A TON.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS MOVING?
THIS ONE-TON WONTON FUTON JUAN WON.
WANTON VIOLENCE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I'M FATHER TIME.
I THOUGHT FATHER TIME WAS EITHER AN OLD MAN WITH A BEARD OR A LITTLE BABY.
NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR. NOW I'M JUST A MIDDLE-AGED FAT GUY WHO WANTS TO DRIVE A PORSCHE.
JUNE'S A ROUGH MONTH FOR FATHER TIME.

SPARE A MINUTE?
YOU'RE THE ENCYCLOPEDIA SALESMAN. GONNA TRY TO SELL ME SOMETHING JUST LIKE THE INTERNET NOW GIVES ME FOR FREE?
NOPE. THIS TIME I'M JUST COMING TO YOUR DOOR FOR A HANDOUT.
WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU A HANDOUT?
BECAUSE THE INTERNET'S DESTROYED EVERYTHING - RECORDED MUSIC, CABLE TV, NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ENCYCLOPEDIAS... ALL BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR WHOLE GENERATION EXPECT ALL CONTENT FOR FREE.
SO?
SO IT'S NOT FREE. IT'S PRODUCED BY FICTION WRITERS, NEWS REPORTERS, ROCK MUSICIANS... AND IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE, WE'RE ALL GONNA BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR.
WHATEVER, OLD MAN.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
SPARE A MINUTE?

DO PEOPLE IN CHINA READ MYSTERY NOVELS?
WHY WOULDN’T THEY?
WELL, I THOUGHT THEY READ BOOKS FROM BACK TO FRONT.
YEAH. SO?
SO THEY'D ALWAYS SPOIL THE ENDING.
IT'S QUIET TIME NOW.

I DON'T GET IT. I KEEP BUYING THINGS TO TRY AND MAKE MYSELF HAPPY, BUT NONE OF IT MAKES ME HAPPY.
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
I'M BUYING THE WRONG THINGS.
NO.
I NEED BETTER, MORE EXPENSIVE THINGS!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
PROTESTING THE CIRCUS THAT'S COMING TO TOWN. I DON'T LIKE THEIR TREATMENT OF ANIMALS.
OH, THAT'S A GREAT CAUSE. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT HERE?
ALL DAY. NOW I'M HUNGRY. WHAT ARE YOU EATING?
NEVER EAT CIRCUS ANIMAL COOKIES AT A CIRCUS ANIMAL PROTEST.

THE CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN
I KNOW. AND THEY STILL USE TRAINED ELEPHANTS. HOW MUCH LONGER ARE WE GONNA DEBASE THESE GREAT ANIMALS BY FORCING THEM TO DO HUMAN TRICKS FOR US?
IS IT THAT BAD?
YEAH. SOMEONE MIGHT AS WELL CAPTURE HUMANS AND FORCE THEM TO DO ELEPHANT TRICKS. WHO WOULD THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS OKAY?
NOW BLOW THE WATER OUT YOUR NOSE, FRED.

WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?
I TOOK A WRONG TURN.
BUT YOU'VE COME HERE A MILLION TIMES.
I KNOW, BUT THE G.P.S. TOLD ME TO GO A DIFFERENT WAY, SO I OVERRODE MY OWN INSTINCT AND CHOSE INSTEAD TO LET THIS LITTLE COMPUTER THING RUN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
BOOM
THAT WAS CATHARTIC.

HEY, GOMER GOLDFISH, HOW'S IT GOING?
BEEN A BIT WORRIED ABOUT MY OWN MORTALITY THESE DAYS, BUT I'LL BE OKAY. WHATCHA EATING?
NEVER EAT GOLDFISH CRACKERS IN FRONT OF YOUR GOLDFISH.

The Moneysaurus wanted money.
But everyone knew it. So they hid their money.
Money here. Money there. Money everywhere.
So the Moneysaurus got a job.
MONEY... First of all, I don't have any, Moneysaurus...
Moneysaurus boss did not want to do any work.
So Moneysaurus boss pulled him aside.
You're fired, Moneysaurus. You don't do any work. All you say is, "Money."
That made Moneysaurus sad.
Why do you need money so bad anyway, Moneysaurus?
But Moneysaurus was not moved.
Well, if you needed money for food, maybe you should have thought of that sooner and been a harder-working dinosaur.
Moneysaurus was not moved.
MONEY...
So Moneysaurus decided to bypass capitalist system.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
We should all just eat our bosses!
Most do have a lot of meat on them.
Mmm... tastes like chicken.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?

GOOD. THOUGHT I'D COME DRINK WITH YOU. FIRST BEER CAN BE ON ME.
SLOOSH
CAN I DRINK THE NEXT ONE?

HOW'S YOUR DAY GOING, PIG?
BIG PROBLEMS, GOAT. MY BOX OF 100 COMIC BOOKS GOT RUINED BY A LEAK IN OUR BASEMENT.
OH, NO, EVEN YOUR FAVORITE RICHIE RICH ONE?
NO. THAT WAS THE ONLY ONE I WAS READING AT THE TIME.
SO THAT ONE'S NOT RUINED?
I GOT 99 PROBLEMS, BUT RICHIE RICH AIN'T ONE.
NOT ONE PERSON OVER 50 IS GOING TO GET THAT.
AND WILL ANYONE UNDER 50 KNOW WHO RICHIE RICH IS?
OH, GREAT. A STRIP THAT APPEALS TO NO ONE.

MY FRIEND'S HAVING TROUBLE GETTING A JOB. HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. NO ONE WILL HIRE HIM.
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
SLOTH MAN.
I THINK I SEE THE PROBLEM.
ALL HE NEEDS IS A BRANCH.