Pearls Before Swine | Search

HONEY, IT'S A BOY.
ONE SEC.
HIS FIRST STEPS!
WHAT'S THAT NOW?
HE'S RIDING! HE'S RIDING!
TEXT... ALMOST... SENT...
I'M SO PROUD!
UH-HUH.
FRED! OUR SON GOT THE JOB!
SMASH
Fred was a good man. Fred was a--
WELL, THIS IS UPLIFTING.
TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP TAP
I CALL IT 'NEVER LOOK UP... THE STORY OF OUR AGE.'
WHAT'S THAT NOW?

WHAT'S YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
TO DIE IN OBSCURITY, LIKE MY FATHER.
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO MY FATHER.
HE DIDN'T DIE IN OBSCURITY?
NO, HE DIED IN CLEVELAND.
I LOVE THESE DEEP CONVERSATIONS.

I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO THE BASEBALL GAME.
I DID, BUT I GOT KICKED OUT FOR BRINGING ONE OF THOSE BALLS FOR THE CROWD TO KNOCK AROUND.
YOU MEAN A BEACH BALL? PEOPLE LOVE BEACH BALLS.
SIX PEOPLE WERE HOSPITALIZED.

HEY, TENURED PROFESSOR BOB. IS THERE ANY WAY FOR YOUR UNIVERSITY TO FIRE YOU? LIKE WHAT IF YOU TOOK A BOW AND ARROW AND SHOT A COLLEAGUE IN THE BACK?
HOW MANY TIMES?
I SEE.
LESS THAN THREE IS A REAL GRAY AREA.

PARDON ME, CLOWN, BUT A COUPLE OF
THE KIDS WERE SPRAYING EACH OTHER
WITH YOUR SELTZER BOTTLE AND NOW
THEY SAY THEIR EYES BURN... IS IT
BECAUSE OF THE FORCE OF THE SPRAY?
MEBBE. OR MEBBE 'CAUSE DAT WHERE
BARRY KEEP HIS TEQUILA.
PERHAPS YOU
SHOULDN'T BE
AROUND
CHILDREN.
YEAH. DEY
WASTE
GUD
TEQUILA.

HEY, CLOWN, MAKE ME AN ANIMAL BALLOON... MY PARENTS DIDN'T HIRE YOU TO JUST STAND AROUND.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU FAT LITTLE HEAD.
OKAY, KIDS, TIME FOR CAKE.
I'LL KICK YOU IN THE GASPAH, CLOWN.

HEY, CLOWN, DO SOMETHING.
YEAH. YOU'RE BORING.
YEAH, CLOWN, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
You is all unlovable turds.
COULD I HAVE A MINUTE WITH YOU, MR. CLOWN?
Hang on. Me gonna punch little turd.

TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN LIFE?
I GUESS THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY HARD WORK, DRIVE AND INITIATIVE.
AND TO WHAT DO YOU ATTRIBUTE YOUR FAILURES?
MY GENES.
DON'T YOU SEE A BIT OF A DISCONNECT THERE?
KARACCKKK
I COME FROM VIOLENT STOCK.

YOU EVER WONDER WHAT CHARACTER TRAIT YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT AT YOUR FUNERAL SOMETHING YOU'RE REALLY PROUD OF SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO BE KNOWN FOR
PARALLEL PARKING.
SOME WOULD CHOOSE KINDNESS.
GUESS THEY CAN'T PARALLEL PARK.

RAT STARTED A PODCAST IN OUR GARAGE. HE WANTS TO BE LIKE MARC MARON AND DO INTERVIEWS.
WHO'S HE GONNA INTERVIEW?
WELL, SINCE EVERYONE ALWAYS INTERVIEWS FAMOUS PEOPLE, HE THOUGHT HE'D BE DIFFERENT AND INTERVIEW NOBODIES.
LIKE WHO?
SO TELL US YOUR NAME.
YOU KNOW MY NAME.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S SITTING IN HIS ROOM CRYING.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
THE BATTERY COMPARTMENT COVER BROKE OFF THE T.V. REMOTE AND NOW WHEN HE PICKS UP THE REMOTE, THE BATTERIES FALL OUT.
HIS DAY IS EASILY DERAILED.

HEY, BUDDY, DO YOU HAVE A CHARGER I COULD USE? MY E-BOOK BATTERY IS DEAD AND I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO READ.
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T READ BOOKS THAT NEED BATTERIES.
TECHNOPHOBE!
BOOKSTORE KILLER!
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A BOOK LOVER SCORNED.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW BURGER PLACE WITH ME?
I CAN’T. THEY GIVE OUT TOO MANY FRENCH FRIES WITH THEIR BURGERS AND I’LL GET FAT.
JUST DON’T EAT THEM ALL.
WHEN ONE HAS FRENCH FRIES PUT IN FRONT OF HIM, ONE CANNOT STOP EATING UNTIL EVERY SINGLE FRENCH FRY HAS BEEN CONSUMED.
NEWTON’S FOURTH LAW.
NOT A NEWTONIAN LAW.
A MOUTH IN MOTION TENDS TO STAY IN MOTION.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN PEOPLE SAY SOMETHING IS 'META'?
IT'S WHEN A CREATIVE WORK REFERS TO ITSELF.
WHAT FOR?
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT WITH A METAPHOR. DO YOU KNOW HOW A METAPHOR WORKS?
NO. WHAT'S A META METAPHOR FOR?
WELL, SAY YOU MET A FOUR—
STOP!

JUNIOR, YOUR FATHER FINALLY LISTENED TO ME AND GOT A JOB. WHEN HE GOES TO WORK TODAY, I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM RESPECT AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
SURE. MOM. WHAT KIND OF JOB DID HE GET?
YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE A CLOWN AT CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES. AND HE'S VERY EXCITED.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, DAD. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
CUTE LITTLE ANIMAL BALLOONS. SHOW HIM ONE, LARRY.
PHOOO PHOOO
FAT LADY'S REAR END.
ATTITUDE, LARRY!
NO REAR ENDS, DAD.
Okay...Eyes up mudder's beeg mouf.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE OTHERS ABOUT HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES?
THAT THEY SHOULD JUST BE THEMSELVES.
SO IF SOME GUY IS A NARCISSISTIC, SOCIOPATHIC, RUDE PSYCHO, HE SHOULD JUST STAY THAT WAY?
LET'S START OVER.
WATCH ME BE MYSELF.

WHERE WERE YOU TODAY, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
ONE FRIDAY A MONTH, WE CYCLISTS GET TOGETHER FOR A MASSIVE RIDE WHERE WE TAKE OVER THE STREETS AND STOP TRAFFIC. IT PROMOTES CYCLING, THE ENVIRONMENT, PEACE AND LOVE.
SO THAT'S WHY I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC FOR THREE HOURS?
YEAH. SO?
SO I BLOW-TORCHED YOUR BIKE FRAME INTO THE SHAPE OF A HEART.
I'LL BREAK YOUR GRASPING FACE.
BUT JEFF, IT'S A HEART!

I GOT A NEW JOB.
DOING WHAT?
WOKE UP THIS MORNIN' WITH THE BRIGHT SUN AND LISTEN, GIRL. I AIN'T MISSED YOU NONE.
"AIN'T" IS NOT CORRECT ENGLISH, AND YOU'VE USED A DOUBLE NEGATIVE, SO LET'S TRY, "I HAVEN'T MISSED YOU AN INORDINATE AMOUNT."
YOU CORRECT THE BLUES?
YES.
WHAT RHYMES WITH "INORDINATE?"

WHERE WERE YOU?
FIRST DATE. I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION, SO I GOT ALL DRESSED UP AND TOOK HER TO A NICE BREAKFAST PLACE.
WHAT'D YOU ORDER?
SHE HAD COFFEE, AND I HAD A POPPY SEED BAGEL.
SMILE.
WHY DO I SENSE DOOM?
POPPY SEED BAGELS: THE DEATH KNELL OF GOOD FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT A GENEROUS GESTURE. WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO DO IT?
BECAUSE MY GIGANTIC BRAIN SHOULD LIVE FOREVER.
THEY DON'T TAKE THE BRAIN.
WHOA. SO MUCH FOR HELPING STUPID PEOPLE.

NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE HAVE GOTTEN A GOOSE. THEY SAY ITS HELPED WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP.
HOW SO?
WHEN BOB IS NICE TO THE GOOSE, HIS WIFE FEELS CLOSER TO HIM. AND AS A RESULT, SHE'S MORE OPEN AND FRANK WITH HIM.
SO WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE CANDOR.
YOU'RE DESTROYING OUR MORALE.

WHERE'S YOUR PHONE TODAY GOAT?
I LEFT IT AT HOME. I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SO GLUED TO IT ANYMORE.
HOW COME?
I REALIZED THAT WHEN I HAVE IT ON ME, I'M NOT FULLY PRESENT FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
I DON'T HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION. I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR CONCERNS.
SO I ACT LIKE I'M ENGAGED, BUT I'M NOT. I'M TOO FOCUSED ON ME.
MY APPS. MY PHOTOS. MY MUSIC. MY CONCERNS. EVERYTHING IS ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
YOU JUST DESCRIBED HEAVEN.
I'M TELLING THIS TO THE WRONG GUY.
I WILL ENTOMB MYSELF BEHIND A WALL OF SMARTPHONES!

HEY, TIM. WHAT'S NEW?
FRED'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JESSICA. STELLA IS USING DRUGS AGAIN. BILL'S KID GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL. ED STOLE MONEY FROM THE SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. GEORGE CAUGHT A DISEASE IN THAILAND.
TOWN BARBER.

HAVE YOU EVER READ ANY BOOKS BY THIS TRAVEL WRITER, BILL BRYSON? HIS HUMOR IS AMAZING. HOW DOES SOMEONE WRITE HUMOR THAT WELL..
WELL, YOU...
HUSH, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.
THE NERVE.

I'M FIGHTING WITH MY NEIGHBOR BOB.
YOU SEEM TO HAVE FEUDS WITH EVERYONE... WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH EVERYONE.
NO.
I'M PERFECT, BUT NOBODY ELSE IS.