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SAVE ME, PIG. I'M A CHICKEN BREAST, AND IF THE FAST FOOD CHAINS GET AHOLD OF ME, THEY'LL CHOP ME INTO LITTLE NUGGETS.
AND YOU DON'T LIKE THAT?
NO... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A NUGGET IS.
THEN I'LL TRY TO GET THE FAST FOOD CHAINS TO STOP. DO YOU WANT ME TO KEEP YOU INFORMED OF MY EFFORTS?
YES, I'D APPRECIATE YOUR KEEPING ME ABREAST OF KEEPING ME A BREAST.
THIS STRIP SHOULD DIE A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH.

HEY, RAT, I’D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS INVITATION TO MY WEDDING. IT’S GOING TO BE A VERY ROMANTIC, FORMAL AFFAIR.
THANKS, NEIGHBOR BOB.
SO AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THIS REQUIRES ME TO RENT A TUX AND SPEND AT LEAST $150 FOR A GIFT, ALL FOR A LUKEWARM PIECE OF CHICKEN AND A SATURDAY WITH YOUR RELATIVES.
SO LET’S PRETEND THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN.
HE’S NOT SUPER ROMANTIC.

PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, PROFESSOR BOB. HE HAS TENURE, SO HE HAS A LOT OF ACADEMIC FREEDOM.
WHICH MEANS WHAT.
THAT IT'S 'NO PANTS MONDAY'.
I FEAR TUESDAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, PAL?
GETTING IN LINE.
NOT IN FRONT OF ME, YOU'RE NOT.
NOT IN FRONT OF ME.
YOU'RE IN LINE FOR THAT CLERK. I'M IN LINE FOR THIS ONE.
WRONG. THERE'S ONE LINE FOR BOTH CLERKS.
YEAH, WELL, I MADE IT TWO LINES.
WE SHOULD REALLY CLARIFY THE LINE SITUATION.
NAH... MORE FUN THIS WAY.

HEY, RAT, YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE WITH YOUR SHOT OF TEQUILA?
YEAH. GIMME A CHASER.
OKAY, START RUNNING.
SLOW DAY IN THE HUMOR FACTORY?

DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WE'VE ALL BECOME A BIT TOO SAFETY-CONSCIOUS, SUCH THAT THE SLIGHTEST RISK TAKEN NOW SEEMS LIKE A MAMMOTH EVENT?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
I JUST BACKED SLOWLY DOWN OUR DRIVEWAY WITHOUT MY MIRRORS PROPERLY ADJUSTED!!
NEED MORE PROOF?
OHH, WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?

OH, HOW INHUMANE. THOSE PEOPLE ARE LOCKING AWAY ELVES.
YOU DUMB PIG. IT'S A SELF-STORAGE PLACE. THE SIGN'S JUST MISSING AN "S."
OH. I'M SORRY.

DO YOU THINK IT'S ODD FOR A 47-YEAR-OLD ADULT TO RELIGIOUSLY WATCH MTV'S 'THE CHALLENGE,' A SHOW ABOUT 20-SOMETHINGS PLAYING GAMES AND HAVING ROMANCES WITH OTHER 20-SOMETHINGS?
MAYBE A LITTLE. WHY?
I HAVE EARS, YOU KNOW.
NO REASON.
YOU DON'T REALLY--
I ENJOY THE DRAMA!

HEY, GOAT. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
LOOKING AT HOUSES TO POSSIBLY BUY. I LIKED THE LAST PLACE I SAW. THE OWNER HAD A LAUNDRY CHUTE.
YOU LOOK CONFUSED.
THAT POOR, INNOCENT LAUNDRY.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DARWIN'S THEORY THAT WE EVOLVE OVER TIME?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT WE CHANGE.
YES.
WHY DO YOU SAY YES?
'CAUSE I GET FATTER.
STUPID DARWIN.

I THINK I MET A SPACE ALIEN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE'S STANDING BY A PARKED CAR DOWN THE ROAD.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU SAY HE'S A SPACE ALIEN??
WELL, HE LOOKS NORMAL, BUT HE TALKS FUNNY AND HE KEEPS SAYING WEIRD THINGS LIKE I NEED A LITER OF PETRO.
PIG, HE'S PROBABLY JUST BRITISH. 'PETRO' IS WHAT THEY CALL GAS. LET'S GO HELP HIM.
PARDON ME, SIR, BUT I HAVE THE AMOUNT OF PETRO YOU NEED BACK AT HOME. I CAN GO GET IT AND BRING IT TO YOU, OR YOU CAN JUST FOLLOW ME.
TAKE ME TO YOUR LITER.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
LONG STORY.

GOOD LORD. WHAT NOW?
I AM POMPOUS BOY, THE SUPERHERO WHO KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
SUPERHEROES HAVE SUPER POWERS.
I CAN INFLATE MY HEAD TO TWICE ITS NORMAL SIZE.
A BIG HEAD IS NOT A SUPER POWER.
HUSH! I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

WHAT'S THE
KEY TO
SUCCEEDING
IN LIFE?
HARD WORK. IT'S JUST
A MATTER OF PUTTING
IN THE HOURS TO GET
WHAT YOU WANT.
IT'S NOT JUST
RANDOM
LUCK?
NOPE.
YOU'VE KILLED A DREAM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A MESSAGE FOR THE PONY EXPRESS TO GIVE TO GUARD DUCK. NOW THAT HE'S LIVING OFF THE GRID, IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO REACH HIM.
PONY EXPRESS? THOSE POOR GUYS HAVE TO RIDE HUNDREDS OF MILES THROUGH REMOTE LANDS. I HOPE YOUR MESSAGE IS IMPORTANT.
Yo.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
PLAYING WITH TOY CARS. RIGHT NOW, THIS SPORTS CAR WITH THE GOLF CLUBS IN THE BACK IS CONTEMPLATING CRASHING INTO THIS GASOLINE TRUCK, THEREBY TRIGGERING A MAMMOTH EXPLOSION.
WHY WOULD THE GUY IN THE SPORTS CAR DO THAT?
HE'S FRUSTRATED BY HIS PUTTING GAME.
GOLFERS ARE A TIGHTLY WOUND BUNCH.

SO WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO LIVE IN THE WOODS, LIL' GUARD DUCK?
BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE WE TWEET OUR EVERY THOUGHT. SO I'M GOING OFF THE GRID. NO MORE FACEBOOK, TEXTING, E-MAIL, SMARTPHONES.
BUT WHAT IF IT'S AN EMERGENCY AND I REALLY NEED TO REACH YOU?
THAT'S WHERE THE PONY EXPRESS COMES IN.
AND I DON'T DO SMILEY-FACE EMOTICONS.

GUARD DUCK! YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOREVER! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE RETIRED FROM THE MILITARY AND MOVED TO THE WOODS. NOW I'M WRITING A SCHOLARLY TREATISE ON MY TIME IN THE SERVICE.
SOUNDS IMPORTANT. CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
OF COURSE.
I blew $##@ up.
THE REST WILL BE FILLER.

HI, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL FROM ENGLAND.
HOW DO YOU KNOW GOAT?
HE'S BEEN ME MATE SINCE WE WERE YOUNG LADS.
AND HE LOVES THE FOOD HERE AT OUR DINER, SO HE ASKED ME TO TAKE HIM HERE.
WHAT'D YOU ORDER?
MOUNTAIN DEW AND A PLATE OF MUTTON. BUT IT HAS TO BE FROM A FEMALE SHEEP. IT TASTES BETTER.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED TO ME THAT YOU LIKE THE FEMALE MUTTON. BUT YOU REALLY LIKE THAT SOFT DRINK, TOO?
LOVE, LOVE ME DEW. YOU KNOW I LOVE EWE.
GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.

I SAW THAT RUDE GUY CUT YOU OFF IN THE PARKING LOT. YOU REMAINED SO PEACEFUL.
YES, IT'S MY NEW APPROACH TO OTHER DRIVERS. I CALM MYSELF THROUGH CONCENTRATION.
CONCENTRATION ON WHAT?
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ONE DAY THE RUDE MAN WILL DIE.
THAT'S NOT THAT PEACEFUL.
IT WILL BE WHEN HE'S GONE!

In deference to those who say cartoonists should refrain from depicting anything that could cause offense to others, today we delete all of the Pearls characters who have ever caused offense to others.
THIS COULD GET BORING.
YES, BUT IT'S NOT OFFENSIVE.
OH, WHAT A BETTER WORLD!

RAT'S WORLD OF AMAZING THINGS
THE CULVINIAN DIAMOND
THE MADAGASCAR POCHARD
THE WORLD'S LARGEST DIAMOND
THE WORLD'S RAREST BIRD
BOB SCHLABONSKI
A CONTRACTOR WHO SHOWS UP WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL
IT'S THE MOST POPULAR EXHIBIT.
GIVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER!

HEY, BARTENDER. IS THIS PLACE NEW
YES. IT’S A HIGH-END WHISKEY BAR. I RECOMMEND A SCOTCH BLEND DISTILLED AT LEAST THRICE AND AGED SIX YEARS IN OAK BARRELS... SERVED NEAT, OF COURSE, IN A TULIP-SHAPED GLASS TO PRESERVE THE AROMA.
ME WANT BEER.
I LIKE TO KEEP THE SNOBS IN THEIR PLACE.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I TURNED THIS FIGURE POT INTO A SEAT. IT'S PRETTY COMFORTABLE.
LOOK, YOU CAN STAND ON IT, TOO.
NO YOU CAN'T ... IT'LL BREAK. IT'S FOR SITTING ONLY.
REALLY?
YES! SIT OR GET OFF THE POT!
AREN'T YOU TWO CLEVER?
STAY OFF THE POT, CENSOR.

THE BIGGEST CITY IN NIGERIA IS TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR ECONOMY BY PRODUCING FROZEN WAFFLES. THEIR LOGO IS JUST THE CITY'S NAME. AND TO PROMOTE THEM, THEY'RE PUTTING CHILDREN'S BUILDING BLOCKS IN EACH ONE.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO WHAT?
LET'S GO GET LAGOS LOGO EGGO LEGOS.
LET'S NOT.

WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD U2'S "JOSHUA TREE ALBUM"?
AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE. IN THE LIVING ROOM. SUMMER OF '87.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST HEARD NIRVANA'S "NEVERMIND"?
HIGH SCHOOL. PARKING LOT. RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. WINDY. FALL DAY.
GUNS N' ROSES' "APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION"?
AT A MOTEL IN KENOSHA, WISCONSIN. THE MANAGER'S ROOM SMELLED LIKE CIGARS.
WRRINGGG
HANG ON...I GOTTA TAKE THIS CALL.
BLAH BLAH BLAH OKAY. BYE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT...OKAY, WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT?
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
I CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANYTHING.