Pearls Before Swine | Search

MY COUSINS GETTING MARRIED IN HAWAII. SO IN ADDITION TO BUYING HER AN EXPENSIVE WEDDING GIFT, I NOW HAVE TO PAY FOR AN EXPENSIVE FLIGHT AND HOTEL.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M SENDING MY INVITATION BACK TO HER WITH "DECEASED" WRITTEN ON THE ENVELOPE.
IT'S A BIG MONEY-SAVER.

ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHOSE SECOND TOE IS LONGER THAN YOUR BIG TOE?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOOMED TO A LIFE OF LONELINESS.
HE'S WRONG, ISN'T HE, SATIC?
YES, YOU'RE DOOMED TO BE LONELY BECAUSE OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

YOU HAVE AN HONEST FACE, PIG.
DON'T ALL ANIMALS HAVE HONEST FACES? IT'S NOT LIKE WE LOOK LIKE CRIMINALS OR BURGLARS OR SOMETHING.
POOR RACCOONS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, NEIGHBOR BOB?
MY FORMER WIFE KEEPS TRYING TO OVERNIGHT SHIP ME MY OLD RECORDS, BUT EVERY TIME SHE DOES, I LOSE AN ALBUM.
WHAT HAVE YOU LOST?
A BUNCH OF ALBUMS BY THE PUNK BAND X.
SOUNDS LIKE AN EX FEDEX X HEX.
PLEASE DON'T INVOLVE US IN YOUR STUPID JOKES.

REMEMBER THE OPENING OF THAT SONG "THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT"? YOU KNOW, WHERE IT GOES, "WEEEEE-EEE-E-E-EEE-EEE... A WEE UM UM UM AWAY"
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT SONG WILL NOW BE STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I NEED A TICKET FROM OAKLAND TO VEGAS. GONNA PAR-TAY!
FINE. THE FARE IS $400.
THAT'S TOO MUCH. I'D LIKE A BEREAVEMENT FARE.
DID SOMEONE DIE?
MY UNCLE LARRY.
IT HAS TO BE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
HE WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME.
WHO'S THAT?
YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT SAID "I AM YOUR FATHER."
UNCLE LARRY WAS IN "STAR WARS"?
I THOUGHT HE WAS HARRY LARRY.
HE WENT BY HARRY LARRY.
AND UNCLE LARRY DIED?
AS DID MY MOTHER, BROTHER, SISTER, GRANDFATHER, AND GRANDMA.
THEY ALL DIED THIS WEEK?
IT WAS A BAD WEEK.
AND YET YOU'RE GOING TO VEGAS.
NOT IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
TO PAR-TAY.
IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO GET BEREAVEMENT FARES.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT I COULD USE SOME HELP. MIND BEING A WINGMAN AND MAKING ME LOOK GOOD?
YOU GOT IT, PAL.
WEU, HELLO THERE. HOW ARE--
BEHOLD, FEMALE! WINGMAN SAYS DATE THE GOAT!!
SOME WOMEN ARE SO HARD TO IMPRESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MEDITATION. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. NO MATTER HOW MANY HAPPY THINGS I TRY TO THINK ABOUT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?
PUNCHING GUYS WHO RECLINE THEIR AIRPLANE SEAT.
MAYBE MEDITATION ISN'T FOR YOU.
SHHH...NOW I'M WHACKING HIM WITH MY TRAY TABLE.

HEY, STACI, ARE YOU GOING TO YOUR COUSINS' HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING?
YES. AND BECAUSE WE ARE NOW SEPARATED, I'VE TEXTED THEM AND TOLD THEM YOU WON'T BE THERE.
OH, MAN. I BET THEY WERE DISAPPOINTED. WHAT'D THEY SAY?
"WE'RE SO HAPPY WE COULD CRY."
AT LEAST THEY CRIED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEPH?
WRITING DOWN A LIST OF THINGS I WANT TO DO IN DUBLIN... I'M GOING THERE THIS MONTH.
OH, DUBLIN IS LOVELY! SAINT STEPHEN'S GREEN, TRINITY COLLEGE, THE JAMES JOYCE CENTER, ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL... WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR BIG LIST SO FAR?
Drink Guinness.
TELL ME ABOUT THAT CHURCH THINGIE.

HEY, GOAT.
WANT TO SEE MY NEW G.P.S?
IT GUIDES ME EVERYWHERE.
NOT RIGHT NOW, PIG.
TOO DEPRESSED.
THIS GIRL I MET ONLINE JUST CANCELED OUR FIRST DATE.
LIFE OF LONELINESS AHEAD IN ONE MILE.
BAD G.P.S.

LOOK, RAT. I GOT THIS UNBELIEVABLE G.P.S... IT GIVES ME GUIDANCE AS TO WHAT STREETS TO TAKE, THE SHORTEST ROUTE, EVERYTHING.
BIG DEAL. ALL THOSE THINGS GIVE THAT KIND OF GUIDANCE.
AVOID THE RAT. HE BRINGS YOU DOWN.
IT DOES MORE.

SPRONG SPRONG SPRONG
sigh...
I feel so useless
CRACK
POW
And thats what you think happens to missing socks?
It would explain a lot.
WHY DO THEY LET SOCKS DRINK?

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M HYPNOTIZING MYSELF. THE DOCTOR SAID IT MIGHT HELP ME GET RID OF ALL THESE FACELESS PEOPLE THAT FOLLOW ME.
OH. THEN I'LL BE QUIET.
GOOD. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS VERY OPEN TO THE POWER OF SUGGESTION.
PILLSBURY CRESCENT ROLLS...
MADE WITH THE FINEST PILLSBURY DOUGH.
THAT INCLUDES THE T.V.
SORRY.
Tee Hee

WHAT HAPPENED HERE, PIG?
I PLANTED A FIG TREE FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE HAS HURT ME, BUT SOMEONE HAS GONE THROUGH AND EATEN ALL THE FIGS.
BUT THAT'S A TON OF FIG TREES, PIG. WHO COULD EAT THAT MANY FIGS?
EAT, MY PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS. AND WHENEVER THAT HAPPENS, I PLANT A FIG TREE. IT’S MY WAY OF TURNING A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.
HOPE YOU LIKE FIGS.

RAT. I'VE CONCLUDED THAT EACH OF THE FACELESS PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW YOU ARE A MANIFESTATION OF THE GUILT YOU FEEL FOR THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HURT IN YOUR LIFE.
NO OFFENSE, DOC. BUT IF THAT WERE THE CASE, THERE WOULD BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE THAN THIS.
WE WERE TRYING TO RESPECT THE FIRE CODE.

HELP ME, DOC.
I'M BEING
FOLLOWED BY
THRONGS OF
FACELESS
PEOPLE.

PERHAPS THEY
ARE A
MANIFESTATION
OF DEEP-
ROOTED ANXIETY.
PERHAPS OF
A SEXUAL
NATURE.

TEE HEE
HEEHEEHEE

HEEHEE

YOU MADE THEM GIGGLE.

I'M BEING FOLLOWED BY NAMELESS, FACELESS PEOPLE.
YOU'RE PROBABLY IN A DREAM. TRY WAKING UP.
THEY WERE IN THEIR JAMMIES.

HI, MY NAME'S BOB, FROM ACME TIMESHARE... HOPE I'M NOT DISTURBING YOU... JUST CALLING TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME EXCITING TIMESHARE OPPORTUNITIES...
WAIT... WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME, BOB?
HIGGINBOTTOM. WHY?
HEY, RAT. YOU'RE UP FROM YOUR NAP EARLY.
VROOOOOOM...
BBRRRRR
I FOUND A WAY TO DISCOURAGE TELEMARKETERS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE BETWEEN YOU AND SUCCESS?
FAILURE.
IT'S ALL THAT'S STOPPING ME.

WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH, RAT?
BECAUSE I'M TRAPPED IN AN EXISTENCE I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SAVE FOR THE FACT THAT ONE DAY IT WILL END UNEXPECTEDLY AND TRAGICALLY, THRUSTING ME INTO UTTER NOTHINGNESS, PEACE, OR FLAMES, ALL OF WHICH APPARENTLY LAST FOREVER.
WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN.

PIG TAKES A VACATION AT A REST STOP
HIYA, SIR. JUST GET HERE?
YEAH. WHO THE @#$# ARE YOU?
OH, JUST A FELLOW REST STOP VACATIONER. HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
HOW LONG? LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A WHIZZ, WEIRDO.
THAT’S A SHORT VACATION.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
ON VACATION. I NEED A REST.
OH, GREAT. WHERE TO?
A REST STOP.
BAD TRAVEL AGENT.

WOULD YOU SAY MOST PEOPLE ARE HAPPY, UNHAPPY, OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN?
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN.
RIGHT. YET WHEN WE POSE FOR PHOTOS, WE ALWAYS SMILE. WHICH RAISES A QUESTION.
WHO ARE WE FOOLING?
SOME POINTS CAN BE MADE WITHOUT BULLHORNS.
NOT THE GOOD ONES.