Pearls Before Swine | Search

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
WENT TO THE CUPBOARD
TO GET THE POOR DOG A BONE.
BUT WHEN SHE CAME THERE,
THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE
AND SO THE POOR DOG HAD NONE.
OLD COOTIE DOLLY
SAW THIS AS HER OPPORTUNITY
TO LIVE WITH A WOMAN SO RUDE.
I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON
WITH THIS SMITH AND WESSON,
AND HUBBARD DISCOVERED MORE FOOD.
GREAT.
ROBBING OLD LADIES.
HEY...
SHE WAS HOLDING OUT.

DID YOU EVER MEET MY FRIEND, HOUY HIPPO? SHE'S THE ONE WITH SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM THAT WHEN SHE WALKS INTO A ROOM SHE WISHES SHE CAN'T BE SEEN.
I DON'T THINK SO. WHERE IS SHE?
NOWHERE.
IT'S BEST NOT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

HEY, RAT...WOW, YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DISCOVERED THE KEY TO HAPPINESS!
WHAT IS IT?
A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY FOR OTHERS!
I FIND HIM VERY DISTURBING.

MOTHER GOOSE'S
NURSERY RHYMES
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack be drinking
Jack be soused.
Jack set fire to his whole house.
MUST ALL YOUR
NURSERY RHYMES END IN TRAGEDY?
JACK LED
A HIGH-RISK LIFESTYLE.

I SHOULD TALK TO THAT WOMAN READING SHAKESPEARE... MAKING CONVERSATION WITH INTELLIGENT WOMEN IS RIGHT IN MY WHEELHOUSE.
IS YOUR WHEELHOUSE A PLACE FILLED WITH FLAT TIRES AND INCOMPETENT MECHANICS?
PLEASE DON'T CRITICIZE MY WHEELHOUSE.
MAKE SURE HE COMES WITH A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HIS CHURCH OF CHEESE IS DRAWING A LOT OF CRITICISM FROM PEOPLE WHO SAY CHEESE IS FATTENING AND UNHEALTHY AND SHOULDN'T BE PROMOTED.
SO HOW'S PIG HANDLING THAT?
DID THOU BLASPHEME CHEESE?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SINCE STARTING THE "CHURCH OF CHEESE," HE'S BEEN GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR TRYING TO CONVERT PEOPLE.
TO THE CHURCH OF CHEESE? HOW DOES HE EVEN OPEN THAT CONVERSATION?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOUDA NEWS?

WHAT'S WITH THE MELTED CHEESE, PIG?
YOU FEED IT TO THEM?
SINCE CHEESE IS THE ONLY THING I CAN COUNT ON IN LIFE, I'VE STARTED A CHURCH AROUND IT. THIS IS FOR THE FAITHFUL.
SPLSPL SPLSPL SPLSPL
I BLESS THEM WITH IT.

SO DO YOU LEMMINGS DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER?
I DUNNO. WHY?
WELL, WHAT IF JUST ONE OF YOU WANTS TO GO OUT ON A DATE OR SOMETHING? WHAT THEN?
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING MORE INTIMATE.
JUST IGNORE THEM.
HEY! I CAN SEE DOWN HER BLOUSE.

I THINK I JUST BUTT-DIALED SOMEONE.
I BUTT-TEXTED SOMEONE ONCE.
AND YOUR MESSAGE WAS ALL GIBBERISH?
IT WAS CLEARER THAN NORMAL.
IT'S SAD WHEN YOUR BUTT IS MORE ELOQUENT THAN YOU.

The Easter Bunny sprang happily through the fields handing out Easter eggs.
He was interrupted by a chicken.
Hiya, Easter Bunny.
Hiya
Whatcha giving out there, Easter Bunny?
Eggs.
Ohhhhh.
Eggs, like the kind you lay?
I don't lay eggs.
Oh, yeah. That's right. You guys are rabbits.
But you don't hand out live rabbits, do you? No. You became world famous off handing out someone else's stolen kids.
Enough is enough, Easter Bunny.
MUST YOU RUIN EVERY HOLIDAY?
HAVE A LIVE RABBIT! CLUCKED THE EASTER CHICKEN.
CANCEL THAT OMELETTE.

THIS ERIK LARSON BOOK ON THE CHICAGO WORLD'S FAIR OF 1893 IS REALLY GOOD.
SORRY, DUDE. COULDN'T HELP OVERHEARING. BUT WHO'S GOT TIME FOR BORING BOOKS THESE DAYS?
FSSHH
IS IT WRONG TO MACE STUPID PEOPLE?

DO YOU EVER WORRY ABOUT A GLOBAL CATASTROPHE THAT COULD LEAVE US WITHOUT A FOOD SUPPLY?
NO. WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY SUPPLY OF COTTON CANDY IN OUR ATTIC.
THAT'S INSULATION.
THERE GOES THAT PLAN.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE FILMS?
I GUESS I'D HAVE TO REACH BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD FOR THAT ONE AND SAY THE THREE "STAR WARS" FILMS.
THERE ARE SIX "STAR WARS" FILMS.
NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T! NO, THERE AREN'T!
DENYING THEM WON'T MAKE THEM GO AWAY.
DID YOU KNOW THERE'S NO THIRD "GODFATHER" FILM?

WELL, BOYS, THIS IS IT... THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF... STARING INTO THE DARK VOID.
SO WHEN DO YOU THINK THE PLUMBER WILL BE DONE WITH OUR SPRINKLER SYSTEM?
NOT SOON ENOUGH.

SIR, WE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME ISSUES WITH YOUR PAST FEW YEARS OF TAX RETURNS. YOU MAY BE IN QUITE A BIT OF TROUBLE.
I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.
THOUGH MY BEAR HATES THE TAX CODE.
THE I.R.S. CAN BE VERY UNDERSTANDING.

ALRIGHT, NEIGHBOR BOB. ONCE AGAIN, I WALKED BY YOUR PARKED CAR AND YOUR STUPID DOG STUCK HIS BIG FAT BARKING HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SCARED THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF ME.
SO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
I BOUGHT A BEAR, BOB.
BEARS SOLVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.
NUTS. CHAIN BROKE AGAIN.

A Writer's Journey.
Until
finally...
This is stupid. I need to
do something with my life.
I need to write that novel
I've always talked about.
Procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastinate
procrastination
pro...
cats on TV
Discovery!
Write write write
write write write
write write
Write write write
write write write
write write
Don't bathe
write write
talk to friends
write write write
get no sleep
write write write
write write
It is
finished!
The book that
will change
THE WORLD!!
Behold, world...
My gift to thee!
Eh.
Meh.
Arggghhhhh...
What's wrong with
this stupid world?!?
Don't you recognize
genius when you see it?!?
Shake
shake
shake
Shake
shake
SHAKE

RAT'S DECIDED HE'S NO LONGER GONNA MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH OTHERS. HE SAYS IT MAKES HIM TOO NERVOUS.

HOW STUPID. DOESN'T HE HAVE A DATE TONIGHT?
YEAH, BUT HE SAYS HE CAN STILL BE A GREAT CONVERSATIONALIST.
THEY REALLY NEED TO RE-PAINT THIS WALL.

NEWLY SINGLE STEPHAN TRIES PICKING UP WOMEN
I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE READING THE COMICS PAGE... YOU KNOW, I DRAW A COMIC STRIP.
OH YEAH? WHICH ONE?
EVER HEARD OF "CALVIN AND HOBBES"?
...

THAT WAS WRONG.

NEWLY SINGLE STEPHAN TRIES PICKING UP WOMEN
I WANT TO TALK TO THAT WOMAN, BUT HOW?? SHOULD I TELL HER WHO I AM? WHAT COMIC STRIP I DRAW? OFFER TO SKETCH HER SOMETHING?
PARDON ME, BUT ARE YOU STEPHAN PASTIS?
YES! YES! YOU RECOGNIZE ME! I’LL DRAW YOU SOMETHING! I’LL AUTOGRAPH SOMETHING! I’LL WRITE YOU SOMETHING!
UH… YOU DROPPED YOUR CREDIT CARD.
I’LL CRAWL INTO A HOLE.

Can me help you?
GOOD MORNING. I'M WITH THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE, AND I'M AFRAID WE'VE SPOTTED SOME IRREGULARITIES ON YOUR TAX RETURN.
Nhuuh eeruggela-larittees?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE ON LINE 8, WHERE IT ASKS FOR YOUR INCOME, SOMEONE'S WRITTEN, 'ME MAKE LOTS MONEES.'
So?
SO ON THE NEXT LINE, IT SAYS, 'PFFFFFF, YOU GWUMINT. YOU NO GEET ANY.'
My accountant a leettle aggressive.

HEY, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE DRAWING. I DRAW, TOO. A LITTLE COMIC STRIP CALLED "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
YOU HAVE?
YEAH, I KEEP TRYING TO GET IT REMOVED FROM MY NEWSPAPER.
BUT SHE HAS HEARD OF YOU.
HA! I BET YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE "FAMILY CIRCUS"-LOVING WEIRDOS!

PIGITA, I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP. WE DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT--
SUPPOSE WE'RE LOST IN A SNOWSTORM. WE FIND SHELTER, BUT IT IS MADE OF CHEESE. IF WE EAT IT, WE DIE FROM THE COLD. WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
WE DON'T EAT IT.
WRONG. WE EAT IT AND DIE HAPPY.
I JUST CAN'T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T PRIORITIZE CHEESE.

HEY, RAT, FEELING BRIGHT?
HE'S THE DON OF ONE OF THE LOCAL CRIME FAMILIES BUT DON'T WORRY. HE'S MEETING WITH SOME FLASHLIGHT.
IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST PUTTING BATTERIES IN IT.
WHY IS IT SHAPED LIKE A WOMAN?
IT'S ELIZABETH HURLEY. THAT ACTRESS FROM AUSTIN POWERS. I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. SO I HAD IT SPECIALLY MADE.
WOW.
PIG! I NEED YOUR HELP.
SURE. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
HEY, RON, YOU, FORMER THIRD STRINGER FOR THE DODGERS. WHAT DO YOU NEED?
I DROPPED MY KEYS OUTSIDE, IT'S TOO DARK TO FIND 'EM. GOT A LIGHT I CAN BORROW?
HERE. BORROW MINE.
THANK YOU SIR. BE RIGHT BACK.
GOSH. I HOPE IT WORKS. NOT SURE IF THOSE BATTERIES WERE FRESH.
OH... SHOULD I CHECK.
OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE BY THE DON'S HURLEY LIGHT?
I'LL LET A PROFESSIONAL HIT YOU.