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CONFERENCE OF THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS
OKAY, EVERYONE, TIME FOR NEW BUSINESS... A CHANCE FOR EACH OF YOU TO SAY WHATEVER YOU'D LIKE.
YES, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
YES, I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BRIEF TALK TITLED ‘WHY I'M BETTER THAN YOU’.
WHAT THE-? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH.
YOUR SPEECH? THAT'S THE TITLE OF MY SPEECH, YOU GLAARGHAGRARGH WHEAT KILLER.
DID EVEN ONE OF YOU DRIVE HERE IN AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE??
NEVER GIVE A FORUM TO THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
HAVE A CARBON FOOTPRINT IN THE FACE, @#$%*.

I'M STARTING TO THINK I DON'T EVER WANT TO DIE.
WHY IS THAT?
IT'S OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE.
NEVER LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW PEOPLE HAVE A LIMIT-LESS CAPACITY TO LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND HOW OTHERS SEE THEM?
I THINK EVERY-ONE REALIZES THAT.
I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE ARE THAT SELF-AWARE.
HANG ON. I'LL POLL MY SUBJECTS.
SILENCE, COMMONERS!
PLEASE SIT DOWN.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WILLY... WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE PARK?
MY DAD TOOK ME. WE'VE BEEN HERE A FEW HOURS.
WELL, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM. WHAT HAVE YOU TWO BEEN PLAYING?
WATCH DAD STARE AT HIS iPHONE.
BE DONE IN TWO MINUTES, SON.
HOPE IT VISITS HIM WHEN HE'S OLDER.

I'VE STARTED A BEER DELIVERY SERVICE WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO USE THE ROADS.
HOW DO YOU DELIVER IT?
I USE BIRDS. BUT PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO LIKE IT.
WHY NOT?
VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY, BOB.
OH, GOD.

WELL, GUYS, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT... IT'S 'NON-CYNICAL DAY' IN 'PEARLS'.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
EAT! PRAY! LOVE!
MAYBE WE SHOULD TONE IT DOWN.
NOT BEFORE I POST THAT ON FACEBOOK.
I LOVE YOU, KINDER, GENTLER RAT!

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, THOMAS.
WOW, YOU'RE TALL. HOW--
-- TALL AM I? SIX FOOT SIX.
AND NO, I DID NOT PLAY
BASKETBALL. SO IF YOU'RE DONE
ASKING ME THE TWO QUESTIONS
I GET TO HEAR TWENTY TIMES
A DAY, I'M NOW GONNA KNEE
YOU IN THE HEAD.
TALL PEOPLE HAVE SHORT
TEMPERS.

PIG!... HEY, MAN... GOOD TO SEE YOU... YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND... AND I GLOVE YOU, MAAAANN...
HUG ME, BRO... SERIOUSLY.
WE ARE BROTHERS, MAAAN... AND DON'T YOU EVER EVER FORGET THAT... I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, because...
I love youuuuuu...
ZZZZZZZZ
RAT IS THE ONLY GUY I KNOW WHO SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR BEING SOBER.

RAT, THIS IS OLD MAN JOHNSON.
HE GREW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
YEP. HAD NO CROPS.
NO FOOD. NO JOB.
NO MONEY.
THEN GOT SHIPPED OFF TO THE BIGGEST WAR OF THE CENTURY.
SOMETIMES I’M INCONVENIENCED WHEN MY iPHONE’S OPERATING SYSTEM GETS UPDATED.
I GUESS WE ALL SUFFER.

CAREFUL, PIG, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE.
IT'S OKAY. EVEN IF I STEP INTO THE THIN AIR, I WON'T FALL UNLESS I LOOK DOWN AT MY FEET AND SEE I'M NOT STANDING ON ANYTHING... HERE, WATCH.
WHILE E. COYOTE CARTOONS ARE NOT SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE.

LOOK AT THAT CUTE WOMAN LISTENING TO MUSIC. YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT MUSIC. BUT SHE IS CUTE.
PARDON THE INTERRUPTION, BUT WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
'SORRY' SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD.
'SORRY', HUH? I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS 'OTOLARYNGOLOGY'.
THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER.

AND THEN THE
GUY GOES, HEY,
BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH -
HEY, RAT... MIND
KEEPING IT DOWN?
I CAN'T HEAR
MYSELF THINK.
THINK LOUDER.
HE CAN SOLVE ANYTHING.

HEY NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. HAD MOOSE FOR DINNER AGAIN LAST NIGHT. I SHOT IT MYSELF AND LIKE TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THE ANIMAL BY NOT WASTING ANY OF IT.
ANOTHER WAY TO SHOW RESPECT IS BY NOT KILLING US.
MOOSE CAN BE SO JUDGMENTAL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GREAT. MY WIFE'S OFF DOING A TRAVELING SHOW WITH A MAGICIAN. THEY ENTERTAIN KIDS WITH MAGIC AND SONGS.
WHAT KIND OF SONGS?
OH, YOU KNOW, "YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN. YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT." BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. I THINK HER AND THE MAGICIAN ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
SOUNDS LIKE HOCUS POCUS HOKEY POKEY HANKY PANKY.
YOU'RE WHY I STOPPED READING THE PAPER.

ARE YOU SURE WE DON'T NEED A GUIDEBOOK FOR THIS VACATION, RAT? I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE.
SURE I'M SURE. WE'VE GOT MY SMARTPHONE.
SO?
SO TO FIND A HOTEL, I'LL JUST USE THE TRIP ADVISOR APP.
AND TO FIND A GOOD BAR, WE CAN JUST "YELP" IT.
AND TO GET A RIDE HOME FROM THE BAR, WE CAN JUST USE 'UBER.'
SO WE'RE ALL SET!
NOPE. BATTERY'S DEAD.
I SHALL RELY ON COMPLETE STRANGERS!
ASK IF THEY KNOW A PLACE WITH FREE OUTLETS.

HAPPY HOUR.
SMILE, PEOPLE!

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?

HE VOLUNTEERED TO READ BOOKS TO OLD PEOPLE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. WHAT KIND OF BOOKS?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST GLAD HE'S DOING SOMETHING FOR OTHERS.
AND THAT CONCLUDES 'HOW TO AMEND YOUR WILL TO BENEFIT KIND STRANGERS'... PERSONALLY, I FOUND IT GRIPPING.

HEY, PIG, DO YOU WANT SOME OF MY BURGER?
I'D LOVE SOME! HOW COME YOU'RE BEING SO GENEROUS?
AAACHOOOOO--
NO REASON.
MMM... TASTES EXTRA FLAVORFUL.

I DO SO MANY THINGS TO TRY AND MAKE MYSELF HAPPY, BUT NONE OF IT EVER WORKS. MAYBE THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO DO THINGS FOR OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD.
WOW, RAT. THAT'S A PRETTY PROFOUND THOUGHT. ARE YOU REALLY GONNA START DOING THAT?
NOPE.
APRIL FOOL'S IS THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR.

LISTEN, KILLER KOALA, I KNOW KOALAS NEED TO SLEEP 22 HOURS A DAY, BUT SINCE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GUARD-ING MY PROPERTY, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SLEEP AN HOUR OR SO LESS?
HI.. I'M MELVIN MELVINOWITZ AND I'M SUING YOU FOR KOALA DISCRIMINATION, YOU RACIST SCUM.
MAYBE I'LL GUARD MY OWN PROPERTY.
THAT'S CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE. WE'RE SUING YOU AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
MODIFYING THE USDA'S
FOOD PYRAMID. I
THINK IT’S UNREALISTIC
TO EXPECT PEOPLE TO
EAT 3 TO 5 SERVINGS
OF VEGETABLES A DAY.
THAT IS RATHER
UNREALISTIC. CAN
I SEE WHAT YOU
HAVE SO FAR?
SURE.
THEY
MAY
NOT
ENDORSE
THIS.
SHOWS
WHAT
THEY
KNOW.

GOODBYE, EVERYONE! I HAD A GREAT VISIT!
WE'LL MISS YOU, PIG! DRIVE SAFELY! COME SEE US SOON!
SORRY... I... UH... FORGOT MY KEYS.
OKAY. BYE AGAIN.
OKAY... GOT 'EM... SO, UH, BYE AGAIN.
BYE
BYE
BYE
BY
IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN BUNGLED GOODBYES?
NO
NOPE
LEAVE!
DON'T COME BACK

HEY, RAT, HOW DO YOU GET TO THAT NEW THAI RESTAURANT?
JUST MAKE A RIGHT
ON FIRST, GO OVER
THE HILL, AND MAKE
A LEFT WHEN YOU SEE
THE BIG YIELD SIGN.
YOU CAN'T MISS IT.
I ONLY ADD THAT TO MAKE THEM FEEL EXTRA STUPID WHEN THEY DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ZEBRA
WORRYING ABOUT THIS PACKAGE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SHIPPED TO ME TODAY.
CAN'T YOU JUST TRACK IT?
I AM. THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
Package currently at Moe's Honky Tonk Saloon.
DELIVERY GUYS NEED BREAKS.

I heard you got a job with a shipping company.
Yeah. It's high stress, but we shippers have ways of dealing with it professionally.
STOMP STOMP STOMP
Always buy shipping insurance.