Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU HEAR THERE'S A BREWERY IN MINNESOTA THAT STARTED SHIPPING BEER VIA DRONE? IT'S THE GREATEST ADVANCEMENT IN CIVILIZATION SINCE THE POLIO VACCINE.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT STOPPED THEM. THEY SAID IT'S ILLEGAL TO FLY DRONES COMMERCIALLY.
OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!!
I'M NOT WITH HIM.

DID YOU HEAR THIS STORY ABOUT A LOCAL BREWERY IN MINNESOTA THAT DEVELOPED A DRONE DELIVERY SYSTEM? THEY USE IT TO FLY BEER TO REMOTE ICE FISHERMEN.
MY GOD. THEY’LL WIN A NOBEL PRIZE.
THEY DON’T AWARD A NOBEL PRIZE IN BEER.
WOW. THAT AWARD JUST LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.

WANT TO BUY A "RAH RAH CORPORATIONS" BUMPER STICKER?
CORPORATIONS! WHY ARE YOU HYPNING CORPORATIONS??
BECAUSE WHEN ANYTHING GOES WRONG, AN EMPLOYEE CAN BLAME A MANAGER.
AND A MANAGER CAN BLAME A VICE PRESIDENT.
AND A VICE PRESIDENT CAN BLAME A PRESIDENT.
AND A PRESIDENT CAN BLAME A C.E.O.
AND A C.E.O. CAN BLAME A BOARD OF DIRECTORS.
AND A BOARD OF DIRECTORS CAN JUST SAY THEY WERE LOOKING OUT FOR THE SHAREHOLDERS.
WHICH SOMEHOW, BURIED SOMEWHERE IN THE MUTUAL FUNDS IN MY 401K ACCOUNT...
... IS ME.
AND I HAVE NO MORALS!
PLEASE STOP CELEBRATING.
ALL BLAME DISAPPEARS IF YOU DISPERSE IT ENOUGH.

WHAT'S THAT BIG BOOK YOU'RE READING, GOAT?
PHILOSOPHY BOOK. IT'S ALL ABOUT PLATO.
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW? JUST DON'T EAT IT.
PLATO. NOT PLAY-DOH.
ALTHOUGH IT DOES LOOK QUITE TASTY.

THIS STEPHAN PASTIS MIDLIFE CRISIS THING IS RIDICULOUS.
YEAH.. AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE HIS WIFE STACI LEFT HIM.
YOU'RE RIGHT. WE NEED TO SOMEHOW GET HER TO TAKE HIM BACK.
HOW?
HE'S REGRESSED TO INFANCY.

OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN, IS HAVING SOME SORT OF MIDLIFE CRISIS.
YOU MEAN LIKE WHERE HE BUYS A SPORTS CAR AND TRIES TO RELIVE HIS 20s?
I THINK HE'S AIMING FOR A LITTLE YOUNGER THAN THAT.
PEEK-A-BOO! I SEE YOU!
PLEASE GO AWAY.

DO YOU THINK OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN, HAS BEEN ACTING A LITTLE LESS MATURE LATELY?
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
I'M IN MY CHOO CHOO JAMMIES.
THERE'S THAT.
HA HA. STEPHAN LIKE CHOO CHOO JAMMIES.

DO YOU THINK COMIC STRIP CENSOR-SHIP IS MORE STRICT THAN THE CENSORSHIP YOU SEE IN OTHER FORMS OF MASS ENTERTAINMENT?
DOES A BEAR SIT IN THE WOODS?
CURSE YOU, TRICKY RAT.
WHAT NOW?
NO MORE TALK OF BEARS IN THE WOODS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY VIKING ACTION FIGURINES. THEY'RE ABOUT TO BATTLE.
OOOH... VIKING COMBAT... I LIKE THAT... WHAT DO THEY USE? SPEARS? SWORDS? BATTLE AXES?
Q-TIPS.
AT WORST, THEY'LL GET CLEAN EARS.

IF ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TWEETED...
-An Alternative History-
THANK YOU, LITTLE TYRANT STEPHEN DOUGLAS
@Honest_Abe
87 years ago, our fathers did stuff. Now big war. Got by people ends.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T
SLAVES FREE! (IF LIVING IN CONFED.) REST OF YOU - NOT SO MUCH. #DOINGBESTICAN
PLAY S'POSED 2 B GOOD. AM DYING TO SEE.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE ABRAHAM LINCOLN TWEETS.
IT'S LIKE I'M CHANNELING THE GUY.
DID HE ENJOY THE PLAY?

COMIC STRIP WEEK ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE".
THE CATEGORY IS FAMOUS COMIC STRIP QUOTES. IT'S YOUR TURN, LARRY.
GO AHEAD.
'HULLOOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA.'
NO.
DAT MOST FAMOUS COMIC STRIP LINE EVER!
ANDY CAPP'S PUKING AGAIN!

COMIC STRIP WEEK ON ''WHEEL OF FORTUNE''
OUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS COMIC STRIP CREATORS. THIS IS THE TOSS-UP ROUND, SO IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, JUST BUZZ IN.
OH, COME ON, NOW!
Is you a homeless guy-?
PLEASE, SIR, WE HAVE NO SPARE CHANGE.

OUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS FILMS. ANDY CAPE, YOU'D LIKE TO SOLVE IT?
YES, I WOULD, PAT.
GONE WITH THE WINO.
I'M SORRY, NO.
GXX@#.
'GONE WITH THE JESUS'?

HOW'S 'COMIC STRIP WEEK' ON 'WHEEL OF FORTUNE' GOING?
ANDY CAPP AND THE GUY FROM "B.C." ARE STILL FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER.
WHAT'S THE THIRD CONTESTANT DOING?
PLEASE DON'T SIT ON THE WHEEL.
@#%$!@ you, Pat. Me want go for ride.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU WATCHING COMIC STRIP WEEK ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK THIS GROUPING OF CONTESTANTS IS A LITTLE BIT AWKWARD?
AWKWARD HOW?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
LET ME DRINK MY G@#$&*%@ PINT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
IT’S COMIC STRIP WEEK ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
DID I MISS MUCH?
JUST THE FRIENDLY LITTLE CHITCHAT WHERE PAT SNEAK ASKS EACH OF THE CONTESTANTS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND FAMILY.
I GET DRUNK AND THE MISSUS BEATS ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT LITTLE MOSQUITO HAS BEEN ENCASED IN THAT AMBER FOR SIXTY MILLION YEARS.
IT'S STRANGE, HUH?
YEAH. AND HE'S BEEN TOTALLY PRESERVED.
THAT'S TRUE. PROBABLY DOESN'T LOOK MUCH DIFFERENT THAN HE WAS THEN.
SO BEING FOSSILIZED LIKE THAT IN TREE RESIN IS A BIT LIKE BEING IMMORTAL. YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO BE AROUND FOREVER.
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
YOU CAN'T BREATHE IN RESIN.
WHO CARES ABOUT BREATHING WHEN YOU CAN BE IMMORTAL?
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO GO THROUGH HIS WALLET?

HEY, RAT. WHERE WERE YOU?
BUYING TOILET PAPER AT THE GROCERY STORE.
WHY'D YOU ONLY BUY ONE ROLL?
BECAUSE BUYING MORE LOOKS LIKE I NEED IT TOO MUCH.
I LIKE TO KEEP MY PUBLIC ASSOCIATION WITH TOILET PAPER AT A MINIMUM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB SENDING JUNK E-MAIL. HERE'S MY LATEST.
Enlarge your pens.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT'S TROUBLING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'D LOVE A BIGGER PEN.
IS THAT RIGHT?

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT...I'M WRITING AN ALTERNATIVE HISTORY OF THE ITALIAN DICTATOR, BENITO MUSSOLINI. IT'S SET IN THE PRESENT.
INTERESTING. WHAT'S PRESENT-DAY MUSSOLINI LIKE?
Thinking about invading YOU, North Africa.
#HopeYouLikePasta
HE TWEETS.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIS FACEBOOK SELFIES.

EVERYONE TRIES SO HARD TO LOOK SMART BY READING AND GOING TO COLLEGE, BUT ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO LOOK SMART IS A KNOWING WASH.
THAT'S AS GOOD AS AN ACTUAL EDUCATION.
HAA HA HAAAA
HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE MOSQUITO IN YOUR AMBER IS ALIVE, GOAT…WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE MOSQUITO?
I DON’T KNOW. I JUST LANDED ON SOME TREE RESIN AND GOT STUCK…HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?
SIXTY MILLION YEARS.
MY WIFE MUST BE GETTING SO SUSPICIOUS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
AMBER. IT'S SIXTY-MILLION-YEAR-OLD RESIN THAT'S BECOME FOSSILIZED WITH THIS LITTLE MOSQUITO STUCK IN IT.
HELP.
THAT PART'S A BIT OF A DOWNER.

"WHU YOOS KNOW WHUTCH CRYOGENICKS EES"
"WHAT WHAT IS"
"Cryogenicks. DeY ees, like, deep-freeze dead gYs."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LARRY"
"Dees true. DeY ees freeze dead guys een hope dat future medeeCal teCnonolo-Gy able feex dem. Make dem leev again."
"DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY I CAN'T USE OUR COUCH"
"Mebbe leetle."
"BOB WAS REELY GUD FREND!"
"Hey Larry…Mind me keep booze an' beer here"

EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH ANYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE ENDS IN BITTERNESS, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT. EVERY SINGLE ONE. AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, A GUY HAS TO SAY TO HIMSELF, "IT'S GOTTA BE ME, RIGHT?"
RIGHT.
WRONG. IT'S ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND ME.
AND FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT OF GROWTH.
HERE'S HOPING THE REST OF THE WORLD PULLS ITS HEAD OUT OF ITS @#%.