Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
MY FOOTBALL TEAM JUST WON.
WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR TEAM. YOU DON'T OWN IT.
WELL, DUH ... RICH GUY DOES.
DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE ON THE TEAM?
NO. NOT PERSONALLY.
DO YOU HELP THEM WITH STRATEGY?
OF COURSE NOT.
DO THEY GIVE YOU SOMETHING IF THEY WIN?
NO. THEY DON'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.
NO MONEY? NO GIFTS? NO PLAQUE?
NO. NOTHING.
SO YOU'RE CHEERING BECAUSE ONE RICH GUY'S COMPANY BEAT ANOTHER RICH GUY'S COMPANY?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
SO YOU JUST DON'T INVITE TO SUPER BOWL PARTIES.

DID YOU TRY THAT NEW STEAK PLACE DOWNTOWN? EVERYONE EATS AT A BIG, COMMUNAL TABLE.
A COMMUNAL TABLE? AS IN YOU EAT WITH STRANGERS?
YEAH.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NOT A FAN?
HELL IS A COMMUNAL TABLE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS KIT. IT'S SO WE CAN BE READY FOR NATURAL DISASTERS AND STUFF.
WHAT'S IN IT?
BEER AND HOT DOGS.
WE'RE READY FOR ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
FUNYUNS. THEY’RE FUN AND ONION-FLAVORED. SO THEY CALL THEM ‘FUNYUNS.’
I PREFER THE FLAVOR OF ONIONS ON HAMBURGER BUNS. IF I MADE SNACK FOODS, THAT’S WHAT I’D MAKE.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THEM?
‘BUNIONS.’
THERE MIGHT BE A MARKETING PROBLEM.
OUR SLOGAN WOULD BE, ‘NOT THE FEET KIND.’

HEY, STEPH, READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?
YEAH. I'M GOING TO AUSTRALIA, SO I READ TONS OF BOOKS ON ITS HISTORY, TOPOGRAPHY, CULTURE, GEOGRAPHY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH OF IT DO YOU REMEMBER?
THEY HAVE KANGAROOS.
PROBLEM WITH RETENTION?
WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER READING?

NO OFFENSE, VICTOR THE VEGAN, BUT I FIND YOU TO BE A LITTLE SELF-RIGHTEOUS ABOUT YOUR LIFESTYLE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, BECAUSE I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE VEGAN INCLUDING DRIVING FOR HOURS TO FIND A VEGAN CAFE.
I HOPE THAT'S AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE YOU'RE DRIVING, YOU CARBON-EMITTING, ICECAP-MELTING, POLAR BEAR-KILLING SCUM.
THE
HIPPIES
ARE FIGHTING.
I MAY KILL THE POLAR BEAR, BUT AT LEAST I DON'T EAT HIM!!

SO WHAT KIND OF FOOD DO YOU EAT, VICTOR THE VEGAN?
FRUITS. VEGETABLES. NUTS. GRAINS.
GRAINS? I'M FREDDY THE FRUITARIAN. I ONLY EAT THINGS THAT FALL FROM TREES, YOU BARBARIAN WHEAT BUTCHER!
WHERE DOES IT ALL END?
I WILL PELT YOU WITH A PEAR, FREDDY THE FRUITARIAN!!

HELLO
HI, STEPHAN, IT'S THE HEAD OF YOUR COMIC STRIP SYNDICATE, JOHN GLYNN.
REALLY? IT'S THE HEAD OF THE SYNDICATE?
LISTEN, OUR GOAL AT THE SYNDICATE IS TO NOT UPSET ANYONE. AND SOME OF YOUR STRIPS HAVE BEEN OVER-THE-TOP LATELY.
THEY HAVE?
YES. INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, MOCKERY. NO ONE LIKES MOCKERY.
I SEE.
SO CLEAN IT UP, OR YOU'LL GET ANOTHER CALL FROM ME, AND IT WON'T BE AS PLEASANT AS THIS ONE.
I UNDERSTAND.
GOOD. I APPRECIATE YOU SEEING THE COMPANY'S POINT OF VIEW ON THIS.
YOU BET, JOHN GLYNN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME BACK BY DEPICTING ME IN AN UNFLATTERING MANNER, AREN'T YOU?
I HATE YOU, PASTIS.

I DON'T GET IT. WE TEACH EVERY KINDERGARTEN STUDENT TO SHARE AND YET SOMEHOW EVERYONE GROWS UP TO BE A SELFISH GRAZG.

SO WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND
THAT WE TEACH EVERY KID TO BE A SELFISH GRAZG AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
IT'S A WONDER YOU'RE NOT IN EDUCATION.
'DAY I'...
HOW TO FIGHT FOR SANDBOX SUPREMACY'.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I BOUGHT A PARROT. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE AN EXOTIC BIRD FOR A FEW YEARS.
PARROTS LIVE 75 YEARS OR LONGER, BARRING SOME HARMFUL EXTERNAL CIRCUMSTANCE.
CIGARETTE ?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M RIDING MY BICYCLE TO THE GROCERY STORE.
WHERE'S THE BICYCLE?
STEPHAN CAN'T DRAW THEM.
HAS IT COME TO THIS?
LOOK. I'M PLAYING THE TUBA.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, STEPH?
BAGELS FROM MY TRIP TO MONTREAL. MONTREAL MAKES THE BEST BAGELS IN THE WORLD.
SCREW YOUZE, CARTOON BOY!
NEW YORK OFFERS A RETORT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY IS THE RIGHT PERSON?
WELL, PIG, YOU DO YOUR BEST, BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S A BIT OF A COIN FLIP.
AND IF THE COIN LANDS ON ITS EDGE, YOU'VE FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON.
YOU'RE RATHER CYNICAL.
HEY, IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.
I SHALL NEVER MARRY ANYONE!!

WHERE WERE YOU LAST WEEK, STEPHAN?
I VISITED MONTREAL. BIKED THROUGH THE PLATEAU. WALKED THE STREETS OF OLD MONTREAL. CLIMBED MOUNT ROYAL.
SOUNDS LIKE TOO MUCH EXERCISE. DID YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE?
I ATE POUTINE. WHICH IS A BIG BOWL OF FRENCH FRIES SMOTHERED IN CHEESE CURDS AND GRAVY AND SOMETIMES PILED HIGH WITH SMOKED MEAT.
I AM MOVING TO MONTREAL!!
YOU HAD HIM AT CHEESE CURDS.
GRANT ME ASYLUM, YOU LOVELY POUTINE PEOPLE!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RATS?
BRAND NEW SMARTPHONE. IT'S INCREDIBLE. THESE THINGS CAN DO ANYTHING NOW.
LIKE WHAT?
IT CAN MONITOR MY HEALTH, MY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY, MY HEART RATE. I CAN ASK IT QUESTIONS.
IT CAN PAY FOR THINGS WIRELESSLY. IT TAKES DICTATION. OH, AND IT SENDS ME UPDATES ON LOCAL WEATHER. SO I ALWAYS HAVE THE LATEST INFORMATION INSTANTANEOUSLY.
COOL. SHOW ME SOMETHING.
OKAY. HERE. WATCH IT DOWNLOAD THE LATEST WEATHER INFO.
HERE IT COMES.
IT'S GONNA RAIN.
HANG ON. STILL DOWNLOADING.

JACK SPRAT COULD EAT NO FAT. HIS WIFE COULD EAT NO LEAN. AND SO BETWEEN THEM BOTH, YOU SEE, THEY LICKED THE PLATTER CLEAN.
'MOST GROSS," SAID HAL, THEIR HOST, WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO EAT MEAT? DON'T LICK OUR PLATES, YOU REPROBATE, OR BOTH OF YOU I SHALL BEAT.'
MUST YOU RUIN EVERY NURSERY RHYME?
HEY, THEY EAT LIKE PIGS.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS.
I KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THE PART ABOUT FRED FLINTSTONE.
I'M MORE INTELLECTUAL THAN I LOOK.

WHAT'S WITH THE GET-UP, RAT?
I AM FROM CHILE REJENO. I AM ITS AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED STATES.
IF YOU'RE GONNA BECOME AN AMBASSADOR TO GAIN DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY FOR YOUR VIOLENT WAYS, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST KNOW THAT CHILE REJENO IS A STUFFED PEPPER, NOT A COUNTRY.
YOU'VE INSULTED MY PEOPLE. PREPARE TO BE A PIÑATA.
ADIOS.
OOH! OOH! THERE'S CANDY IN THERE?

DID YOU SEE THAT NEW YORK'S TRYING TO PROSECUTE THIS GUY FOR ROBBERY, BUT IT CAN'T?
WHY NOT?
THE GUY'S AN AMBASSADOR FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, SO HE HAS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY FOR ANY CRIME HE MIGHT COMMIT.
HE'S LIVING THE DREAM!
NO.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T TELL HIM.

DID YOU KNOW THE EARTH IS ONLY 5,000 YEARS OLD?
WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE INTERNET.
YOU KNOW, PIG, NOT EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
THAT WAS MORE THAN HE COULD TAKE.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT TO BE ALIVE IS TO SUFFER.
AND THAT THE ELIMINATION OF THAT SUFFERING IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING INNER PEACE.
THUS, BEER.
I'M NOT SURE IF I'M A PHILOSOPHER OR A DRUNK.

WHERE?
IN THE LITTLE TRAY.
WHAT TRAYS?
THE LITTLE TRAY IN THE DVD PLAYER.
WHICH ONES? THEY'RE OLD.
ON TOP OF THE T.V. SET.
OKAY. OKAY... GIMME A... GIMME A... GIMME A...
THERE...OKAY...GOT IT IN. AND NOW I'M WATCHING SOME EXPLOSION.
GOOD. YOU'RE WATCHING "THE CIVIL WAR"?
NO. THE T.V. EXPLODED.
NEVER BUY YOUR PARENT ANYTHING INVENTED IN THE LAST 30 YEARS.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, RAT?
I'M IN MY BIG SPACE YEARS.
WHAT'S THAT S'POSE TO MEAN?
WHEN YOU'RE REALLY YOUNG, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A BASSINET. AND WHEN YOU DIE, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A CASKET. AND IN BETWEEN ARE THE BIG SPACE YEARS.
WELL, THAT'S A PLEASANT THOUGHT.
ENJOY THE SPACE WHILE YOU CAN!!!

I'M SORRY, PIG... I'M AFRAID I'VE GOTTEN US LOST.
THAT'S OKAY, GOAT. WE CAN ALWAYS JUST ASK OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD POLICE OFFICER.
YOU ASK HIM.

HEY, GOAT... WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM IS YOUR FAVORITE?
MY FAVORITE? THE GREATEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL. THE (Editors - Please fill in name of local football team).
YOU PANDERING IDIOT.
THAT SHOULD HAVE WORKED.