Pearls Before Swine | Search

LISTEN... I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.
BUT I'M NOT SURE WE'RE A GOOD FIT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WELL, I DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF A WORRIER... AND PHYSICALLY, YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WELL, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF SHAPE, AND YOUR HAIR'S A BIT STRINGY.
IS THAT SO? ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO ADD?
YOU HAVE NO NOSE.
PLEASE DON'T DRAW ON MY FACE.
BUT IT LOOKS SOOO MUCH BETTER.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE THE VIGILANTE DEER. AND WE'RE TIRED OF BEING SHOT BY HUNTERS LIKE YOU. SO WE WERE THINKING, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU FIND US IN THE WOODS, YOU CAN FORGO THE USUAL GUN AND MAYBE JUST THROW THIS "NERF" BALL AT US.
WE'LL TAKE THAT AS A COUNTERPROPOSAL.

HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THAT GAME WHERE YOU TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR ADULT FILM NAME WOULD BE?
NO. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, YOUR FIRST NAME IS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET.
I HAD A GOLDFISH NAMED ABE.
AND YOUR LAST NAME IS THE STREET YOU WERE RAISED ON.
UNKOON.
STAY OUT OF ADULT FILMS.

HEY, RAT. I'M MISSING A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL THAT USED TO BE RIGHT HERE IN MY WALLET. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
SORRY, DUDE. HAVEN'T SEEN A THING.
HE'S LYING. HE STOLE IT AND SPENT IT AT A BAR.
I HATE STOOL PIGEONS.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
MAKING PANCAKES AND TOSSING THEM TO PIG.
FLIP ME THE PANCAKE! FLIP ME THE PANCAKE!
THIS ONE IN THE PAN NOW IS SHAPED LIKE A SPARROW.
FLIP ME THE BIRD! FLIP ME THE BIRD!
THAT DOES IT.
WHAT -- ? ARE YOU ANTI-PANCAKES?
I CAN GIVE YOU THE BIRD IF YOU WANT.

RRRRNGGG
HELLO?
HELLO. I AM SORRY TO DISTURB YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BUT THIS IS THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE IN STOCKHOLM CALLING TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON WINNING THIS YEAR'S PRIZE.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! REALLY?
CLICK
NOPE.
I'LL PAY FOR THAT.

EVERY MORNING YOU GET UP, YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE.
THAT'S A NICE SENTIMENT.
AND THE CLOSEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO YOUR INEVITABLE DEATH.
AND THERE GOES THAT.
I SEE YOU COMING, GREAT DIRT NAP!!!

I HATE THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIM?
NO. IT’S THE THREE OR MORE AFFECTATION RULE.
WHAT'S THAT?
AN AFFECTATION IS SOMETHING YOU DO THAT IS DESIGNED TO IMPRESS OTHERS.
I KNOW WHAT AN AFFECTATION IS. WHAT'S IT TO DO WITH HATING SOMEONE?
IF A GUY HAS THREE OR MORE AFFECTATIONS, I FIND THE GUY TOO FAKE TO LIKE. HENCE, I BECOME THE KIND OF IDIOT TO HATE.
SO WHAT COUNTS AS AN AFFECTATION?
EARRINGS, TATTOOS, PIERCINGS, STYLISH HATS, COIFFED HAIR, SIDEBURNS, GAUGES, HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHES, DESIGNER GLASSES…AND THE MORE HE HAS, THE MORE OF A @#%-&@# HE IS.
HEY, GUYS…GUESS WHO GOT A NEW LOOK.
I GUESS THAT RULE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR EVERY TIME ANYWAY.
YEP.
DO YOU LIKE THE BERET BETTER?

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER TODAY?
SAMPLING DIFFERENT WINES AND TAKING NOTES ON THEM FOR HIS BLOG.
HOW MANY DOES HE HAVE TO SAMPLE?
TEN, I THINK. WHY?
Wine gud.

DAD STARTED A BLOG WHERE HE REVIEWS FINE WINE.
UNLIKE PEOPLE WHO REVIEW WINE HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THINGS LIKE BODY AND AROMA AND SWEETNESS AND ACIDITY. OF COURSE. WHAT ELSE WOULD HE WRITE ABOUT?
Bottel got stuk
up nose.

I WANTED TO GO HUNTING TODAY, BUT NOW I THINK I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. I JUST HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
WHY IS THAT?
'CAUSE HE'S FAT.
VIGILANTE DEER CAN BE SO MEAN.

HEY, UH, JENNY, YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER ME, BUT I'M GOAT. I MET YOU IN THE CAFE... ANYHOW, I JUST WANTED TO SAY... YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES.
OHH SMOOO-TH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY, JENNY?
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY 'SMOOOTH' IN A VERY SARCASTIC TONE?
NO. WHY?
I SHOULD KEEP MY COMMENTS TO MYSELF.

RAT WORKS FOR THE N.S.A.
SIR, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE SEEKING A WAR-RANT TO TAP THE PHONES OF A MR. PIG AND MR. GOAT. NOW AS A FEDERAL JUDGE, I NEED STRICT LEGAL ASSURANCES THAT THIS IS FOR NATIONAL SECURITY REASONS ONLY.
IT IS.
PINKY SWEAR?
YOU'RE GETTING VERY STRICT ABOUT THESE THINGS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY HAS BEEN WIRETAPPING ALL OF OUR CALLS. ISN'T THAT OUTRAGEOUS?
FOR ME, IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHO THEY'VE GOT DOING THE LISTENING. WHAT ARE THEIR MOTIVES? DO THEY HAVE LEGIT REASONS FOR MONITORING THE CALL OR ARE THEY JUST LISTENING IN FOR THEIR OWN PERSONAL AMUSEMENT?
TEE HEE HEE.

I HAVE A NEW STRATEGY FOR ANSWERING EMAIL.
WHAT'S THAT?
I DON'T ANSWER IT FOR MONTHS.
THEN THE SENDER THINKS I'M MAD AT THEM AND STARTS LOBBING ME QUESTIONS.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
AND ODDS ARE, IF THEY THINK HARD ENOUGH, THERE 'S SOME-THING THEY'VE DONE WRONG IN THE PAST.
OH, YEAH, THERE WAS THAT.
SO EVENTUALLY, THEY WRITE YOU AGAIN AND ASK IF I'M MAD ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THEY THINK THEY DID.
AND YOU SAY NO?
NO... SHAMEFUL IS THE FACT THEY HAVE TO TELL ME THAT IN AN EMAIL... AND I DON'T RESPOND.
I TELL THEM YES, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY DID.
AND THEN, LIKE ME TO DINNER, WHICH I ACCEPT.
BON APPETIT!
THEN AFTER THE DINNER, THEY TELL ME WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME THEY HAD AND THAT THEY'RE GLAD WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.
THAT'S SHAME-FUL.
WONDERFUL. OVER 400 FREE MEALS AND COUNTING.

STEPHAN'S WIFE STACI HAS BEEN HAVING A HARD TIME SINCE THEIR SEPARATION. SHE ACTUALLY HAD TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB.
DOING WHAT?
SHE'S ONE OF THOSE WALK-AROUND CHARACTERS AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK. AND IT'S MADE FOR SOME AWKWARD SITUATIONS.
AWKWARD HOW?
I REALLY MISS BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU.

STACY! STACY! TAKE ME BACK! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT MY WIFE! AND LOOK! I'M EVEN RECREATING THAT ROMANTIC SCENE FROM THE MOVIE 'SAY ANYTHING' FOR YOU.
BUT I DON'T HEAR ANY MUSIC.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A RECORDING OF ME RECITING MY FAVORITE 'PEARLS' PUN STRIPS.
IT IS SO HARD TO WOO HER.

I HEAR RAT AND PIG KICKED STEPHAN OUT OF THEIR HOUSE AND THAT NOW HE'S LIVING WITH YOU.
YEAH, AND HE'S SO ANNOYING. ALL HE DOES IS SUNBATHE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PUTTING ON A PAIR OF SWIM TRUNKS AND ENJOYING THE SUN?
YOUR QUESTION ASSUMES A LOT.
OOPS. DROPPED THE LOTION AGAIN.
NOOOO.
Me losing cookies!

WHAT THE &#%@ IS THIS? OUR WATER BILL HAS TRIPLED.
I HAVE NO IDEA. I'M NOT USING ANY MORE THAN USUAL.
YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT A FORTY-MINUTE SHOWER.
LET'S KILL HIM THIS ISH.
WE NEED TO TALK, STEPH.
IS IT ABOUT THE LAWN I PLANTED IN THE BACK? DON'T WORRY, I'LL WATER IT EVERY DAY.

I CAN'T SLEEP... I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE IT TO THE KITCHEN WITHOUT WAKING EVERYONE UP.
FORGOT ABOUT YOU.
A GOOD DUCK IS ALWAYS VIGILANT.

HEY, RAT… FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, I ORDERED YOU A CAKE THAT COMES OUT OF A GIRL.
YOU MEAN A GIRL THAT COMES OUT OF A CAKE.
HAPPY BIR— OH, GAHD… I HAVE TO HURL…
I THOUGHT SHE CAME TOO CHEAP.

OH YAY OH YAY
Okay everyone said Cousin Dickie I've organized each day of our vacation
Tomorrow we'll get up real early and go whale watching
Tuesday we'll dock in Key West and have five hours of sightseeing followed by one hour of shopping
Wednesday we'll sail to see various pre-Columbian ruins followed by four hours of scuba training
Does anyone have any questions
Danny Donkey tied his cousin to an anchor and threw him overboard
THAT WASN'T REALLY A QUESTION
DANNY'S A MAN OF FEW WORDS
NO ONE SHOULD NEED A VACATION FROM A VACATION

HOW WAS YOUR DAY, RAT?
EXHAUSTING...
WHAT HAPPENED?
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL RAN OUT, SO I HAD TO TAKE OFF THE OLD ROLL, REACH UNDER THE SINK FOR A NEW ONE, AND PUT THE NEW ONE WHERE THE OLD ONE USED TO BE.
OH. WHEN WILL ALL THE TOIL END?
I SEE.
HE DOESN'T DO A LOT OF CHORES.
AND THAT SPRING-LOADED THING COULD TAKE OUT AN EYE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, IS MOVING IN WITH US.

HIS WIFE THREW HIM OUT OF HIS HOUSE, SO HE HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. BUT DON'T WORRY. IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.

HOWDY, GUYS.

WE CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN WE GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THIS HOUSE.

WHY? I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

IT'S TRUE. HE DOESN'T.

OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, HAS BEEN THROWN OUT OF HIS HOUSE BY HIS WIFE, STACI.
OH, NO... WHAT'S HE GONNA DO? WHERE'S HE GONNA LIVE?
MOVE OVER.
NOT HAPPENING.