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IF ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TWEETED...
-An Alternative History-
THANK YOU, LITTLE TYRANT STEPHEN DOUGLAS
@Honest_Abe
87 years ago, our fathers did stuff. Now big war. Got by people ends.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T
SLAVES FREE! (IF LIVING IN CONFED.) REST OF YOU - NOT SO MUCH. #DOINGBESTICAN
PLAY S'POSED 2 B GOOD. AM DYING TO SEE.
PLEASE DON'T WRITE ABRAHAM LINCOLN TWEETS.
IT'S LIKE I'M CHANNELING THE GUY.
DID HE ENJOY THE PLAY?

COMIC STRIP WEEK ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE".
THE CATEGORY IS FAMOUS COMIC STRIP QUOTES. IT'S YOUR TURN, LARRY.
GO AHEAD.
'HULLOOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA.'
NO.
DAT MOST FAMOUS COMIC STRIP LINE EVER!
ANDY CAPP'S PUKING AGAIN!

COMIC STRIP WEEK ON ''WHEEL OF FORTUNE''
OUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS COMIC STRIP CREATORS. THIS IS THE TOSS-UP ROUND, SO IF YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, JUST BUZZ IN.
OH, COME ON, NOW!
Is you a homeless guy-?
PLEASE, SIR, WE HAVE NO SPARE CHANGE.

OUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS FILMS. ANDY CAPE, YOU'D LIKE TO SOLVE IT?
YES, I WOULD, PAT.
GONE WITH THE WINO.
I'M SORRY, NO.
GXX@#.
'GONE WITH THE JESUS'?

HOW'S 'COMIC STRIP WEEK' ON 'WHEEL OF FORTUNE' GOING?
ANDY CAPP AND THE GUY FROM "B.C." ARE STILL FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER.
WHAT'S THE THIRD CONTESTANT DOING?
PLEASE DON'T SIT ON THE WHEEL.
@#%$!@ you, Pat. Me want go for ride.

HEY, PIG, ARE YOU WATCHING COMIC STRIP WEEK ON "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"?
YEAH. WHY?
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK THIS GROUPING OF CONTESTANTS IS A LITTLE BIT AWKWARD?
AWKWARD HOW?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
LET ME DRINK MY G@#$&*%@ PINT.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
IT’S COMIC STRIP WEEK ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
DID I MISS MUCH?
JUST THE FRIENDLY LITTLE CHITCHAT WHERE PAT SNEAK ASKS EACH OF THE CONTESTANTS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND FAMILY.
I GET DRUNK AND THE MISSUS BEATS ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT LITTLE MOSQUITO HAS BEEN ENCASED IN THAT AMBER FOR SIXTY MILLION YEARS.
IT'S STRANGE, HUH?
YEAH. AND HE'S BEEN TOTALLY PRESERVED.
THAT'S TRUE. PROBABLY DOESN'T LOOK MUCH DIFFERENT THAN HE WAS THEN.
SO BEING FOSSILIZED LIKE THAT IN TREE RESIN IS A BIT LIKE BEING IMMORTAL. YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED TO BE AROUND FOREVER.
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
YOU CAN'T BREATHE IN RESIN.
WHO CARES ABOUT BREATHING WHEN YOU CAN BE IMMORTAL?
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO GO THROUGH HIS WALLET?

HEY, RAT. WHERE WERE YOU?
BUYING TOILET PAPER AT THE GROCERY STORE.
WHY'D YOU ONLY BUY ONE ROLL?
BECAUSE BUYING MORE LOOKS LIKE I NEED IT TOO MUCH.
I LIKE TO KEEP MY PUBLIC ASSOCIATION WITH TOILET PAPER AT A MINIMUM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I GOT A JOB SENDING JUNK E-MAIL. HERE'S MY LATEST.
Enlarge your pens.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. THAT'S TROUBLING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I'D LOVE A BIGGER PEN.
IS THAT RIGHT?

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT...I'M WRITING AN ALTERNATIVE HISTORY OF THE ITALIAN DICTATOR, BENITO MUSSOLINI. IT'S SET IN THE PRESENT.
INTERESTING. WHAT'S PRESENT-DAY MUSSOLINI LIKE?
Thinking about invading YOU, North Africa.
#HopeYouLikePasta
HE TWEETS.
YOU SHOULD SEE HIS FACEBOOK SELFIES.

EVERYONE TRIES SO HARD TO LOOK SMART BY READING AND GOING TO COLLEGE, BUT ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO LOOK SMART IS A KNOWING WASH.
THAT'S AS GOOD AS AN ACTUAL EDUCATION.
HAA HA HAAAA
HE MUST KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THE MOSQUITO IN YOUR AMBER IS ALIVE, GOAT…WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE MOSQUITO?
I DON’T KNOW. I JUST LANDED ON SOME TREE RESIN AND GOT STUCK…HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?
SIXTY MILLION YEARS.
MY WIFE MUST BE GETTING SO SUSPICIOUS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT?
AMBER. IT'S SIXTY-MILLION-YEAR-OLD RESIN THAT'S BECOME FOSSILIZED WITH THIS LITTLE MOSQUITO STUCK IN IT.
HELP.
THAT PART'S A BIT OF A DOWNER.

"WHU YOOS KNOW WHUTCH CRYOGENICKS EES"
"WHAT WHAT IS"
"Cryogenicks. DeY ees, like, deep-freeze dead gYs."
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, LARRY"
"Dees true. DeY ees freeze dead guys een hope dat future medeeCal teCnonolo-Gy able feex dem. Make dem leev again."
"DOES THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHY I CAN'T USE OUR COUCH"
"Mebbe leetle."
"BOB WAS REELY GUD FREND!"
"Hey Larry…Mind me keep booze an' beer here"

EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH ANYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE ENDS IN BITTERNESS, ANGER, AND RESENTMENT. EVERY SINGLE ONE. AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, A GUY HAS TO SAY TO HIMSELF, "IT'S GOTTA BE ME, RIGHT?"
RIGHT.
WRONG. IT'S ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND ME.
AND FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT OF GROWTH.
HERE'S HOPING THE REST OF THE WORLD PULLS ITS HEAD OUT OF ITS @#%.

PARDON ME, SIR, BUT
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SIGN UP FOR MY
NEW PARACHUTE
SCHOOL?
HOW'S
YOUR
SAFETY
RECORD?
SO-SO.
THAT NEVER SEEMS TO SATISFY THEM.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER FOR DINNER, GOAT. SORRY ABOUT THE DUST ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE. WE DON'T USE IT VERY OFTEN.
OH, NO PROBLEM. THANKS FOR INVITING ME OVER.
DID YOU KNOW THAT NINETY PERCENT OF ALL THE DUST IN YOUR HOUSE IS ACTUALLY DEAD SKIN CELLS?
HOW 'BOUT WE EAT STANDING UP?
MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING?

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD
WENT TO THE CUPBOARD
TO GET THE POOR DOG A BONE.
BUT WHEN SHE CAME THERE,
THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE
AND SO THE POOR DOG HAD NONE.
OLD COOTIE DOLLY
SAW THIS AS HER OPPORTUNITY
TO LIVE WITH A WOMAN SO RUDE.
I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON
WITH THIS SMITH AND WESSON,
AND HUBBARD DISCOVERED MORE FOOD.
GREAT.
ROBBING OLD LADIES.
HEY...
SHE WAS HOLDING OUT.

DID YOU EVER MEET MY FRIEND, HOUY HIPPO? SHE'S THE ONE WITH SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM THAT WHEN SHE WALKS INTO A ROOM SHE WISHES SHE CAN'T BE SEEN.
I DON'T THINK SO. WHERE IS SHE?
NOWHERE.
IT'S BEST NOT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

HEY, RAT...WOW, YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DISCOVERED THE KEY TO HAPPINESS!
WHAT IS IT?
A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY FOR OTHERS!
I FIND HIM VERY DISTURBING.

MOTHER GOOSE'S
NURSERY RHYMES
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick.
Jack be drinking
Jack be soused.
Jack set fire to his whole house.
MUST ALL YOUR
NURSERY RHYMES END IN TRAGEDY?
JACK LED
A HIGH-RISK LIFESTYLE.

I SHOULD TALK TO THAT WOMAN READING SHAKESPEARE... MAKING CONVERSATION WITH INTELLIGENT WOMEN IS RIGHT IN MY WHEELHOUSE.
IS YOUR WHEELHOUSE A PLACE FILLED WITH FLAT TIRES AND INCOMPETENT MECHANICS?
PLEASE DON'T CRITICIZE MY WHEELHOUSE.
MAKE SURE HE COMES WITH A MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HIS CHURCH OF CHEESE IS DRAWING A LOT OF CRITICISM FROM PEOPLE WHO SAY CHEESE IS FATTENING AND UNHEALTHY AND SHOULDN'T BE PROMOTED.
SO HOW'S PIG HANDLING THAT?
DID THOU BLASPHEME CHEESE?

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SINCE STARTING THE "CHURCH OF CHEESE," HE'S BEEN GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR TRYING TO CONVERT PEOPLE.
TO THE CHURCH OF CHEESE? HOW DOES HE EVEN OPEN THAT CONVERSATION?
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOUDA NEWS?