Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOK, RAT. I GOT THIS UNBELIEVABLE G.P.S... IT GIVES ME GUIDANCE AS TO WHAT STREETS TO TAKE, THE SHORTEST ROUTE, EVERYTHING.
BIG DEAL. ALL THOSE THINGS GIVE THAT KIND OF GUIDANCE.
AVOID THE RAT. HE BRINGS YOU DOWN.
IT DOES MORE.

SPRONG SPRONG SPRONG
sigh...
I feel so useless
CRACK
POW
And thats what you think happens to missing socks?
It would explain a lot.
WHY DO THEY LET SOCKS DRINK?

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'M HYPNOTIZING MYSELF. THE DOCTOR SAID IT MIGHT HELP ME GET RID OF ALL THESE FACELESS PEOPLE THAT FOLLOW ME.
OH. THEN I'LL BE QUIET.
GOOD. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS VERY OPEN TO THE POWER OF SUGGESTION.
PILLSBURY CRESCENT ROLLS...
MADE WITH THE FINEST PILLSBURY DOUGH.
THAT INCLUDES THE T.V.
SORRY.
Tee Hee

WHAT HAPPENED HERE, PIG?
I PLANTED A FIG TREE FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE HAS HURT ME, BUT SOMEONE HAS GONE THROUGH AND EATEN ALL THE FIGS.
BUT THAT'S A TON OF FIG TREES, PIG. WHO COULD EAT THAT MANY FIGS?
EAT, MY PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SOMEONE HURT MY FEELINGS. AND WHENEVER THAT HAPPENS, I PLANT A FIG TREE. IT’S MY WAY OF TURNING A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.
HOPE YOU LIKE FIGS.

RAT. I'VE CONCLUDED THAT EACH OF THE FACELESS PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW YOU ARE A MANIFESTATION OF THE GUILT YOU FEEL FOR THE PEOPLE YOU'VE HURT IN YOUR LIFE.
NO OFFENSE, DOC. BUT IF THAT WERE THE CASE, THERE WOULD BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE THAN THIS.
WE WERE TRYING TO RESPECT THE FIRE CODE.

HELP ME, DOC.
I'M BEING
FOLLOWED BY
THRONGS OF
FACELESS
PEOPLE.

PERHAPS THEY
ARE A
MANIFESTATION
OF DEEP-
ROOTED ANXIETY.
PERHAPS OF
A SEXUAL
NATURE.

TEE HEE
HEEHEEHEE

HEEHEE

YOU MADE THEM GIGGLE.

I'M BEING FOLLOWED BY NAMELESS, FACELESS PEOPLE.
YOU'RE PROBABLY IN A DREAM. TRY WAKING UP.
THEY WERE IN THEIR JAMMIES.

HI, MY NAME'S BOB, FROM ACME TIMESHARE... HOPE I'M NOT DISTURBING YOU... JUST CALLING TO TELL YOU ABOUT SOME EXCITING TIMESHARE OPPORTUNITIES...
WAIT... WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME, BOB?
HIGGINBOTTOM. WHY?
HEY, RAT. YOU'RE UP FROM YOUR NAP EARLY.
VROOOOOOM...
BBRRRRR
I FOUND A WAY TO DISCOURAGE TELEMARKETERS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE BETWEEN YOU AND SUCCESS?
FAILURE.
IT'S ALL THAT'S STOPPING ME.

WHY DO YOU DRINK SO MUCH, RAT?
BECAUSE I'M TRAPPED IN AN EXISTENCE I DON'T UNDERSTAND, SAVE FOR THE FACT THAT ONE DAY IT WILL END UNEXPECTEDLY AND TRAGICALLY, THRUSTING ME INTO UTTER NOTHINGNESS, PEACE, OR FLAMES, ALL OF WHICH APPARENTLY LAST FOREVER.
WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN.

PIG TAKES A VACATION AT A REST STOP
HIYA, SIR. JUST GET HERE?
YEAH. WHO THE @#$# ARE YOU?
OH, JUST A FELLOW REST STOP VACATIONER. HOW LONG YOU STAYING?
HOW LONG? LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A WHIZZ, WEIRDO.
THAT’S A SHORT VACATION.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PIG?
ON VACATION. I NEED A REST.
OH, GREAT. WHERE TO?
A REST STOP.
BAD TRAVEL AGENT.

WOULD YOU SAY MOST PEOPLE ARE HAPPY, UNHAPPY, OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN?
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN.
RIGHT. YET WHEN WE POSE FOR PHOTOS, WE ALWAYS SMILE. WHICH RAISES A QUESTION.
WHO ARE WE FOOLING?
SOME POINTS CAN BE MADE WITHOUT BULLHORNS.
NOT THE GOOD ONES.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHT.
WHY'S THAT GUY TAPPING?
WHEN ONE GUY GETS OVERWHELMED AND FEELS LIKE HE'S BEAT, HE JUST TAPS AND EVERYTHING'S OVER AND THESE GUYS COME OUT AND HELP HIM.
TAP TAP TAP
IT DOESN'T APPLY TO LIFE.

Unhappy being alone, Elly Elephant wanted a man who would listen.
So she dated and dated until she finally found him.
And when she found him, she knew immediately that he was the right man.
Because he listened.
For an hour.
And didn't judge.
And didn't offer advice.
And didn't brag.
A dream date.
Marred only by the paramedics.
Who informed her that her great listener had died an hour ago.
Elly Elephant learned to be happy alone.

WHY ARE YOU CLINGING TO YOUR PHONE, PIG?
MY COUSIN'S PREGNANT AND SHE MIGHT NEED ME TO DRIVE HER TO THE HOSPITAL... HANG ON... THIS IS HER NOW.
HEY... MY WATER BROKE.
CALL A PLUMBER.
WHY'S SHE BOTHERING ME WITH THAT?

OKAY, MY NEW SEEING EYE DOG, TIME FOR YOU TO GUIDE ME DOWNTOWN.
RIGHT ON COLLEGE. LEFT ON MENDOCINO. RIGHT ON FOURTH.
SOME GUIDE DOGS ACTUALLY GUIDE.
THOSE WERE GOOD DIRECTIONS, SIR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR NICK... IS THAT YOUR NEW GUIDE DOG?
YEP. TOOK ME HERE TO THE LIBRARY, NO PROBLEM.
SHHH
THAT SEEMS WRONG.

HI, PIG. I'D LIKE CASH TO GO TO VEGAS.
SORRY, FREE-RANGE CHICKEN, BUT I DON'T HAVE IT.
THEN SELL SOME POSSESSIONS OR SOMETHING.
WHO ARE YOU?
FRED, FROM THE U.S.D.A. HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IF A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN WANTS TO GO TO VEGAS, HE GETS TO GO TO VEGAS.
WHERE'S THE T.V.?
LONG STORY.

HEY, MAN... NEED TO CRASH YOUR PAD. MET A BABE, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T. THIS IS MY HOUSE.
AND I'M A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.
YOU CAN'T SAY NO TO A FREE RANGE CHICKEN.

HEY, MOBSTER MARTY... HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GOOD. ROBBED A TRUCK. THREATENED A PIZZA SHOP OWNER. BEAT UP A PUNK.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, MARTY. THERE'S A LITTLE GIRL BEHIND YOU.
YEAH. THAT'S MY KID.
IT'S TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY.
NEVER MIND.
WHACK HIM, DAD.

ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A DOCTOR'S BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO A ACCOUNT SUPERVISOR.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
YEAH. I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
I'LL CONNECT YOU TO BILLING.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE.
I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT A BILL.
THIS ISN'T BILLING??
NO. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. ACCOUNTS.
I NEED BILLING.
I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. IS THIS BILLING?
NO. THIS IS THE MAIN SWITCH-BOARD AGAIN.
I NEED BILLING.
PLEASE HOLD, SIR. I'LL CONNECT YOU.
ACME HEALTH INSURANCE. BILLING?
YES! I NEED BILLING.
Due to heavy call volume, the wait time is approximately...
9 hours.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
HAVING HEALTH CARE IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

IF I WAS EVER DOWN AND OUT AND NEEDED CASH, WOULD YOU BE THERE FOR ME?
IS THERE A FARAWAY PLACE WHERE I CAN DODGE YOUR CALLS?
NEVER MIND.
IF SO, I'D BE WAY, WAY THERE.

STEPHAN'S GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING AT HIS WIFE'S HOUSE TONIGHT.
BUT THEY'RE SEPARATED. SHE WON'T LET HIM IN.
HE'S HOPING SHE WON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
GO AWAY, STEPHAN.