Pearls Before Swine | Search

EXCUSE ME, NEIGHBOR BOB, BUT ARE THOSE YOUR FREE RANGE CHICKENS THAT WANDERED INTO OUR GARAGE?
YEAH… WHY?
BECAUSE THEY’RE IN THERE SMOKING SOMETHING I CAN’T TALK ABOUT ON THE COMICS PAGE.
SORRY, MAN. NOTHING I CAN DO. THEY’RE FREE RANGE.
THEY’RE TAKING MY CAR, BOB.
THEY DO ENJOY A GOOD JOYRIDE.

HEY, BOBBY BULL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. GOT A JOB AS A BUILDING CUSTODIAN. I'M PRETTY SUITED FOR IT.
SUITED HOW?

HEY, MAN. PEACE. LOVE. BROTHERHOOD.
YEAH, MAN. GROOVE OUT. DO YOUR THING.
RIGHT ON, BROTHER. BE FREE. FREE LOVE.
FREE YOUR MIND. ROAM. EXPLORE.
FREE RANGE CHICKENS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HEARD YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN SINCE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.
YEAH. I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY ABOUT MYSELF. MAYBE THE FACT THAT I RAISE CHICKENS?
THERE MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT.
WELL, I WON AN ACADEMY AWARD.
HOLY COWS! YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD TYPE? WOMEN LOVE ALL THAT MOVIE STAR STUFF! WHAT DID YOU WIN IT FOR?
BEST SOUND EDITING.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR CHICKENS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M SITTING IN THE 'BOX OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.'
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE? IT'S A BOX FOR PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SUCCESS.
GEE, I'D LIKE TO GET IN, BUT IT LOOKS PRETTY PACKED.
OF COURSE IT'S PACKED. EVERYONE LOVES SUCCESS.
SO WHY DON'T THEY JUST GET INTO THE EMPTY BOX NEXT TO IT?
BECAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT
YAAAY FOR YOU GUYS.

WHATCHA DOING, GOAT?
COLLECTING POSTCARDS OF FAMOUS ART. I KEEP THEM ON MY FRIDGE. I'VE GOT A COUPLE PICASSOS, SOME VAN GOGHS, SOME MANETS.
I LOVE MAYONNAISE.
LET'S START OVER.
BUT I KEEP MINE IN THE FRIDGE.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU TWO?
I’LL HAVE A BURGER, AND MY FRIEND WILL HAVE SOMETHING SLIMY AND FLAVORLESS THAT COMES IN VERY SMALL PORTIONS AND YET IS SOMEHOW VERY EXPENSIVE.
I’M SORRY?
I’LL HAVE THE OYSTERS.
MUST WE DO THIS EVERY TIME I ORDER OYSTERS?
IT’S THE MOST OVERRATED FOOD IN THE WORLD!!!

WENT TO AN AIR SHOW TODAY AND THEY LET US SEE FIGHTER JETS UP CLOSE. GAVE ME A LOT OF IDEAS.
LET ME GUESS. BUY ONE AND ATTACK YOUR NEIGHBORS.
EJECTOR SEATS FOR ANNOYING GUYS.

HONEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS JUNK OUT HERE?
IT'S FOR THE SALVATION ARMY. I'M HOPING THEY'LL TAKE IT ALL.
WELL, I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING SURROUNDED BY JUNK YOU'RE GIVING AWAY. WHAT IF THEY ACCIDENTALLY TAKE ME?
YOU WOULDN'T.
STOP POUTING. IT LOWERS YOUR VALUE.

SORRY I HAD TO MESS UP YOUR CLEAN DESK YESTERDAY. I JUST THINK AN OVERLY ORGANIZED DESK IS A SIGN OF AN UNBALANCED INDIVIDUAL.
SO WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?
CLEAN YOUR DESK.
CAN'T. I'M AFRAID I'LL FIND BODIES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
JUST FINISHED STRAIGHTENING UP THE STUFF ON MY DESK. I LIKE TO HAVE MY WORKSPACE CLEAN AND NEAT.
WE MESSY DESK FOLK RESENT YOU.

WHOSE DRUMMER WAS KEITH MOON?
RIGHT.
WHOSE.
YES.
WHAT'S THE NAME?
WATT IS THE DRUMMER FOR THE ROLLING STONES.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ROLLING STONES. WHOSE DRUMMER IS KEITH MOON?
YOU ARE CORRECT THERE.
WHERE?
WEIR WAS THE GUITARIST FOR THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
WHOA! WHO IS HE RELEVANT?!
HOUSE IS THE GUITARIST FOR A DIFFERENT BAND.
WHO-O?
YES.
NO. YES. WHO'S GUITARIST IS PETE TOWNSHEND.
I KNOW!
THIRD BASE!!
WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE THIS HAT?
WINWOOD'S THE GUITARIST FOR TRAFFIC.

WHAT ARE YOU READING GOAT?
THIS GREAT BIOGRAPHY OF VAN GOGH. IT EXPLAINS ALL ABOUT HIS DEPENDENCE ON HIS BROTHER THEO, HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH GAUGUIN, AND THE FACT THAT HE MIGHT NOT HAVE KILLED HIMSELF. STOP ME IF I'M BORING YOU.
YOU'RE BORING ME.
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RHETORICAL.
MY BOREDOM HAS VERY REAL.

STEPHAN'S WIFE HAS KICKED HIM OUT. HE NOW LIVES ON THE PORCH.
HONEY, IT'S COLD AND DAMP OUTSIDE. YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME OUT HERE IN THIS BASKET FOREVER.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK I PHRASED THAT WRONG.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO STEPHAN SINCE WE DROPPED HIM OFF IN A BASKET ON HIS WIFE'S PORCH?
HE STILL SLEEPS OUT THERE.
HE SLEEPS OUTSIDE? DOES SHE AT LEAST FEED HIM?
OH, I'M SURE.

REPO MAN HERE.
REPO MAN? I'M NOT BEHIND ON MY CAR PAYMENTS.
NOT HERE FOR YOUR CAR. I'M TAKING BACK YOUR DEMOCRACY. TOO FEW PEOPLE BOTHER TO READ OR STAY INFORMED OR EVEN VOTE. SO OFF IT GOES.
I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

I'VE FINALLY STARTED CARPOOLING TO WORK.
I'M AFRAID TO CARPOOL.
WHY ARE YOU AFRAID?
I'M AFRAID THE CAR WILL GET TRAPPED IN A TUNNEL, AND WITH ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET OUT.
THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC FEAR. IS THERE A NAME FOR IT?
CARPOOL TUNNEL SYNDROME.
THIS HAS TO STOP.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, STEPH?
THIS COMPANY IS OFFERING TO BEAM ANY MESSAGE YOU WANT TO MARS. BUT I ONLY HAVE 'TIL NOVEMBER 15 TO GIVE IT TO THEM.
WRITE SOMETHING PROFOUND!
SOMETHING ETERNAL!
SOMETHING BRILLIANT!
SOMETHING DEEP!
THINK SHAKESPEARE! PLATO! EINSTEIN! DA VINCI!
I like beer.
THAT'S OUR MESSAGE TO MARS?
YOU RUSHED ME!
MARS WILL BE SO IMPRESSED.

HEY, BOB AND BETTY BLUEBIRD, HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. WE'RE FORMING A GROUP DEDICATED TO ANTI-VIOLENCE. HERE. YOU CAN HAVE ONE OF OUR HATS.
WOW. THANK YOU. HOW COME YOU'RE FORMING A GROUP?
BECAUSE WE'RE TIRED OF ALL THE VIOLENCE IN THE WORLD. ALL THE WARS. ALL THE KILLING. IT PAINS US GREATLY AND IT NEEDS TO STOP.
THAT'S GREAT.
YES, BUT THERE'S LOTS TO DO. TODAY, WE HAVE TO GET OUR POSTERS MADE AND THEN GO AND GET THEM SHIPPED.
HMM. IF YOU GO TO THE SHIPPING PLACE DOWNTOWN, THEY CAN DO BOTH THOSE THINGS. THEN YOU CAN KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
IT WAS SAD WHEN THEY TOOK THE HAT BACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PHYSICIST PHIL?
I'M CONDUCTING A DOUBLE BLIND REVIEW OF A FELLOW PHYSICIST'S PAPER.
WHERE IS THE STUPID THING?
I'VE GOT IT! WAIT...THIS IS A NAPKIN.
SHOULD WE SET A ROOM ASIDE FOR THE HATE MAIL?
THAT WOULD BE WISE.

IF I RAN A BUSINESS, I WOULD SCHEDULE NOTHING BUT MEETINGS.
TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE COMMUNICATES?
TO SPREAD BLAME AND HEAR MYSELF TALK.
APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MEETINGS.

WE NEED TO HAVE AN HONEST, INTELLECTUAL EXCHANGE ABOUT A TRAUMATIC ASPECT OF OUR CHILDHOOD THAT NONE OF US EVER TALKS ABOUT.
SURE. THAT'S OFTEN THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING. WHAT IS IT?
THE SHARPENER ON THE CRAYON BOX NEVER WORKED.
IT MADE THINGS WORSE!
WHAT AN INTELLECTUAL EXCHANGE.
IT LEFT THE @#$%* THINGS STUMPY!!

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
VISITING MY FRIEND, BOB. THE POOR GUY HAS A LOT OF SKELETONS IN HIS CLOSET.
HE HAS A LOT OF SHAMEFUL PARTS OF HIS LIFE THAT HE DOESN'T WANT EXAMINED?
HE HAS A HALLOWEEN STORE THAT WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.
YOU REALLY JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

IT TOOK ME AND FAT FINGERS FOREVER TO FIND A PARKING SPACE TODAY. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HE HAS ONE OF THOSE DISABLED PLACARDS ON HIS CAR.
WHAT'S HIS DISABILITY?
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YOU TRY TEXTING WITH FAT FINGERS.

HEY, GOAT. THIS IS MY FRIEND, FAT FINGERS.
OH, YEAH. I THINK I GOT A TEXT FROM HIM.
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TEXTS ARE TOUGH FOR FAT FINGERS.