Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PAT, BEFORE WE GET ANY DEEPER INTO THE TRADE, YOU SHOULD KNOW I HAVE FAMILY IN THE "DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY."
D.E.A.? ARE YOU CRAZY? WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO HIDE OUR ENTIRE LAB!!!
HIDE YOUR ENTIRE WHAT-?
OUR LABRADOR RETRIEVER. HE'S A VERY BAD DOG.
BAD LAB! BAD LAB! BAD LAB!

OKAY, PIG, IF WE'RE GONNA CONTROL THE
TRADE, WE'RE GONNA NEED TO KNOCK OFF THE CURRENT KINGPIN.
WHO'S THAT?
HECTOR "TIC" SALAMANCA..HE'S AN INVALID. CAN'T SPEAK. COMMUNICATES BY RINGING A LITTLE BELL. BUT DON'T BE FOOLED. HE'S DEADLY AND TO BE FEARED.
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
HE LOOKS PRETTY DARN CUDDLY.
CATS ARE TRICKY THAT WAY.

SO IF WE'RE GONNA MANUFACTURER HERE, WE'RE GONNA NEED A SHADY LAWYER LIKE SAUL GOOD-MAN TO PROTECT US.
WHAT ACTUAL LAWYER DO WE KNOW WHO'S THAT UNETHICAL AND SLIMY ?
HE MIGHT BE TOO SLIMY.

GOAT! GOAT! DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS? RAT ACCIDENTALLY TESTED HIS OWN BLOOD AND FOUND OUT HE MIGHT BE DYING!!
OH MY GOD... WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
BUY AN R.V. AND MANUFACTURE [REDACTED]*
HOW CAN YOU PARODY 'BREAKING BAD' IF YOU CAN'T SAY [REDACTED]**
I'M THINKING! I'M THINKING!
THINK FASTER.
* Deleted for publication
** Deleted for publication

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL PLAYING CROQUET WITH LITTLE LEMMINGS AS BALLS.
Whuh wrong wid dot?
DON'T YOU READ THE NEWS ABOUT HEAD INJURIES IN SPORTS? AND HERE YOU ARE KNOCKING AROUND LEMMINGS WITH MALLETS?
Whuh we spose do?
AT LEAST GIVE THEM PROTECTIVE HEADGEAR. SOMETHING STRONG THAT WILL PROTECT AGAINST CONCUSSIONS.
SANTA HATS ARE NOT PROTECTIVE.
Hey...Santa no get concussions.

HEY, PIG. WHO'S THE WOMAN NEXT TO YOU?
DO YOU KNOW NEIGHBOR BOB? THAT'S HIS STRANGE WIFE.
WHY DO YOU CALL HER STRANGE?
'CAUSE SHE CALLS HERSELF STRANGE.
"ESTRANGED." SHE DID IT AGAIN.
I DON'T KNOW YOU.

MR. JONES, I'M AFRAID THERE WAS A MISTAKE WITH YOUR BLOOD WORK. YOU MAY NOT BE DYING AFTER ALL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I ACCIDENTALLY PRICKED MY FINGER DURING YOUR BLOOD TEST AND MY BLOOD DRIPPED ONTO YOUR SAMPLE. SO IT MIGHT BE ME WHO'S DYING.
THAT'S RIGHT. AND THAT WOULD BE A PROFOUND TRAGEDY.
BUT WHAT IF IT'S ME?
THERE'S NO 'I' IN "PROFOUND TRAGEDY."

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
BAD NEWS, MR JONES. I'VE DONE YOUR BLOOD WORK, AND IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A FATAL DISEASE.
OH, GOD, NO!
RELAX, MR JONES... RELAX... IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
WE VALIDATE PARKING.
I SEE YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE BAD.

Hey, zeeba neighba...
Want play croquet wid us and lemmings?
YOU'RE ACTUALLY PARTICIPATING IN RECREATIONAL SPORTS WITH OTHER SPECIES?
We use dem as balls.
BEATS JUMPING OFF CLIFFS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?

BUILDING STUFF WITH MY NEW ERECTOR SET. NORMALLY, I DON’T LIKE THESE THINGS ‘CAUSE IT’S SO HARD TO DISASSEMBLE WHAT YOU BUILD, BUT THIS ONE AUTOMATICALLY BREAKS APART AFTER YOU’RE FINISHED.

IT’S THAT CONVENIENT?

YEAH. THOUGH IT DOES COME WITH A WARNING.
WHAT’S THE WARNING?
USE DOCTOR FOR ERECTOR BUILDINGS LASTING MORE THAN FOUR HOURS.

PROUD OF YOURSELF?
HARDLY.

OKAY, GUYS. I HAVE AN IDEA. INSTEAD OF ALL BLINDLY JUMPING OFF THIS CLIFF LIKE THE LEMMINGS THAT WE ARE, WHAT IF INSTEAD WE EACH CHOOSE TO THINK FOR OURSELVES?
BUT THAT'S SCARY.
SURE, IT'S SCARY, PHIL. BUT THE ALTERNATIVE IS DEATH.
THAT'S DISCOURAGING.

GOAT! WHAT HAPPENED?
SOME GUY JUST ROBBED ME AT GUNPOINT.
OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?
SHORT GUY. NOT MUCH HAIR.
HANG ON. I'M AN ARTIST. MAYBE I CAN DO A POLICE SKETCH...OKAY, LET'S SEE. SHORT...NOT MUCH HAIR... WHAT ELSE?
WHITE GUY.
GOT IT. WHAT ABOUT CLOTHES?
SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRT... SHORTS...
PERFECT. I THINK I HAVE IT.
LET'S SEE.
CHARLIE BROWN DID NOT ROB ME AT GUNPOINT.
GOSH, IT, GOAT. I'M A CARTOONIST, NOT A SKETCH ARTIST.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO BEING HAPPY
HAVING A SWIMMING POOL. IF I CAN JUST GET A SWIMMING POOL, I'LL BE HAPPY.
I HAVE A SWIMMING POOL. I'M NOT HAPPY.
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THE CONTRACTORS DUMPING THEIR DEBRIS IN THAT EMPTY LOT DOWNTOWN? I FOUND AN OLD LADDER LYING THERE TODAY.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I WROTE TWO LETTERS TO THE CITY COUNCIL. ONE ABOUT THE TRASH I FOUND THERE LAST WEEK, AND ONE ABOUT WHAT I FOUND THERE TODAY. BRING IT TO ME AND I’LL READ IT TO YOU.
WHICH ONE SHOULD I BRING YOU?
THE LATTER LADDER LITTER LETTER.
MAKE IT STOP.

PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK FOR HAPPINESS OUTSIDE THEMSELVES. BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT THE ONLY REAL HAPPINESS IS FOUND INSIDE US.
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT'S TRUE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE FRENCH FRIES GO.
IT'S JUST GOTTA BE HAPPY IN THERE.

WELL, PIG. I JUST BOUGHT MY FIRST ELECTRIC CAR. IT WAS EXPENSIVE. BUT I REALLY WANT TO DO MY PART TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING AND THE RISING SEA LEVELS.
I'M BURNING OIL JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT.
PRO-GLOBAL WARMING SHARKS CAN BE SO SELFISH.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT OUR NEW NEIGHBOR WHO'S TRYING TO INCREASE GLOBAL WARMING?
INCREASE IT? THAT WOULD MEAN THAT EVERY LIVING CREATURE ON LAND WOULD SOON FIND HIMSELF ADRIFT IN A RISING OCEAN.
Tee hee hee
THAT DOESN'T FAZE HIM.

HELLO. I'M CARBONO THE SHARK. I'M RAISING MONEY FOR GLOBAL WARMING.
YOU MEAN YOU'RE TRYING TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING.
'CAUSE IF IT WERE TO CONTINUE, THE OCEANS WOULD RISE AND WE'D ALL BE FLOUNDERING IN THE WATER.
WE NEED TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING.

OKAY, LITTLE WILLY, I'M HAPPY TO TAKE YOU TO THE FAIR, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE, AND WE NEED A PLAN IN CASE WE GET SEPARATED.
NOW WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND MY MOM TOOK ME TO THE FAIR, SHE ALWAYS CARRIED A BRIGHT YELLOW BALLOON SO I COULD SEE HER ABOVE THE CROWD.
AND SHE WORE A BRIGHT RED SHIRT LIKE THIS, SO I COULD SEE HER EASIER.
BUT IF WE DO STILL GET SEPARATED, WE NEED A PLAN.
SO DO YOU SEE THAT BLUE TENT OVER THERE? THAT'S THE INFORMATION WINDOW.
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS, YOU RUN OVER THERE AND WAIT.
THEN THEY'LL NOTICE THAT YOU'RE GONE AND KNOW IMMEDIATELY WHERE TO FIND YOU.
DOES ALL THAT MAKE SENSE?
OR I COULD JUST CALL YOU.
TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

HEY. I HEAR YOU WENT TO PARIS. HOW WAS IT?
OH, LOVELY! I WENT TO A BOULANGERIE, WHICH IS A PLACE THAT MAKES BREAD, AND A PÂTISSERIE, WHICH IS A PLACE THAT MAKES PASTRIES.
HOW WONDERFUL... AND DID YOU GO TO A WHOOLIESAGA*#&ERIE ?
AND WHAT IS THAT?
NEVER MIND.
NOW SHOW ME 800 VACATION PHOTOS. BECAUSE FRIENDS LOVE THAT.

HEY, GUYS, THIS IS IT. THE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES… READY TO JUMP?
WHOA WHOA WHOA… BOB THERE OWES ME FIFTY BUCKS.
YEAH, THAT’S TRUE. LET ME GET OUT MY CHECKBOOK AND —
SEE YOU IN HELL, SUCKERRRRRRR…
IT’S SO HARD TO COLLECT FROM A LEMMING.

THAT POLAR BEARS FINALLY GONE, MORTY. TURNS OUT POLAR BEARS DON'T LIVE IN THE SOUTH POLE AFTER ALL.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN...?
IT MEANS WE'RE IN THE CLEAR, MORTY. NO MORE PREDATORS. NO MORE LIVING IN FEAR.
WOW, SAUL! THIS CALLS FOR A TOAST. WHAT SHOULD WE TOAST TO?
TO FAT, FLIGHTLESS BIRDS.

WELL, FELLAS, IT'S TIME TO JUMP AND END OUR LITTLE LEMMING LIVES.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN, BOB. I JUST GOT THIS DENTAL REMINDER CARD SAYING I'M DUE FOR MY NEXT CLEANING.
YOU'RE GONNA BE DEAD IN A MINUTE, STAN. WHAT DOES IT MATTER HOW CLEAN YOUR TEETH ARE?
I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.
IN YOUR FACE, DENTIST!
THERE ARE ADVANTAGES TO THIS LIFESTYLE.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
I'VE BEEN FEELING A LITTLE DOWN LATELY.
HERE ARE 50 DIFFERENT DRUGS. TRY THEM ALL.
THIS SEEMS UNWISE.
HEY! MY PHARMACEUTICAL REP PAYS FOR SOME VERY NICE CONFERENCES.

HAVE YOU HEARD I'M A MEDICAL DOCTOR NOW!
OH, YEAH? I HEAR A LOT OF DOCTORS ARE CLOSING DOWN THEIR PRACTICES THESE DAYS BECAUSE THEY'RE TIRED OF DEALING WITH HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES.
NOT ME. I HAVE STAFF THAT TAKES CARE OF ALL THAT. AND THEY'RE PRETTY EFFECTIVE.
WHAT MAKES THEM EFFECTIVE?
PAY FOR THE PROCEDURE.
OKAY.