Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU SEE THAT NEW YORK'S TRYING TO PROSECUTE THIS GUY FOR ROBBERY, BUT IT CAN'T?
WHY NOT?
THE GUY'S AN AMBASSADOR FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY, SO HE HAS DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY FOR ANY CRIME HE MIGHT COMMIT.
HE'S LIVING THE DREAM!
NO.
SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T TELL HIM.

DID YOU KNOW THE EARTH IS ONLY 5,000 YEARS OLD?
WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?
ON THE INTERNET.
YOU KNOW, PIG, NOT EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
THAT WAS MORE THAN HE COULD TAKE.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT TO BE ALIVE IS TO SUFFER.
AND THAT THE ELIMINATION OF THAT SUFFERING IS THE KEY TO ACHIEVING INNER PEACE.
THUS, BEER.
I'M NOT SURE IF I'M A PHILOSOPHER OR A DRUNK.

WHERE?
IN THE LITTLE TRAY.
WHAT TRAYS?
THE LITTLE TRAY IN THE DVD PLAYER.
WHICH ONES? THEY'RE OLD.
ON TOP OF THE T.V. SET.
OKAY. OKAY... GIMME A... GIMME A... GIMME A...
THERE...OKAY...GOT IT IN. AND NOW I'M WATCHING SOME EXPLOSION.
GOOD. YOU'RE WATCHING "THE CIVIL WAR"?
NO. THE T.V. EXPLODED.
NEVER BUY YOUR PARENT ANYTHING INVENTED IN THE LAST 30 YEARS.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, RAT?
I'M IN MY BIG SPACE YEARS.
WHAT'S THAT S'POSE TO MEAN?
WHEN YOU'RE REALLY YOUNG, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A BASSINET. AND WHEN YOU DIE, THEY PUT YOU IN A TINY SPACE CALLED A CASKET. AND IN BETWEEN ARE THE BIG SPACE YEARS.
WELL, THAT'S A PLEASANT THOUGHT.
ENJOY THE SPACE WHILE YOU CAN!!!

I'M SORRY, PIG... I'M AFRAID I'VE GOTTEN US LOST.
THAT'S OKAY, GOAT. WE CAN ALWAYS JUST ASK OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD POLICE OFFICER.
YOU ASK HIM.

HEY, GOAT... WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM IS YOUR FAVORITE?
MY FAVORITE? THE GREATEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL. THE (Editors - Please fill in name of local football team).
YOU PANDERING IDIOT.
THAT SHOULD HAVE WORKED.

OKAY, PIRATE BOY...I'M TIRED OF YOUR STUPID GAMES...GIVE ME BACK MY GRISFLOG LAPTOP.
ALRIGHT, FINE...I'LL SHOW YOU WHERE IT IS.
YOU BURIED MY LAPTOP.
HEY...PIRATES DON'T HAVE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, GOAT
IT'S MY NEW LAPTOP. TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING.
AVAST, YE MATEY!
PIRATE BOY IS VERY ANNOYING.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I'M PIRATE BOY.
FROM NOW ON, I'M
LIVING MY LIFE
AS A PIRATE.
YEAH, WELL, PIRATES WERE MORE
THAN EYE-PATCHES AND HATS.
THEY MADE THEIR LIVING BY
STEALING OTHER PEOPLE'S CARGO.
THAT'S
FROM YOUR
LIVING
ROOM.
PUT
IT
BACK
NOW.

HEY, PIG. CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, NEIGHBOR BOB. AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA IS LEANING MORE THAN EVER AND IN DANGER OF COLLAPSE.
SO?
SO SOME OTHER ACTIVISTS AND I WANT TO GET THE GOVERNMENT TO SPEND MONEY AND SAVE IT.
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
WE'RE GONNA GET A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO STAND OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS AND CHANT 'PISA! PISA! PISA!'
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO DO THAT, TOO?
ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE 'PISA' CHANTS.
IMAGINE.
THERE'S NO STEPHAN.
IT'S EASY IF YOU TRY.

WHAT DID YOU DREAM OF WHEN YOU WERE A KID, NEIGHBOR BOB? YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU GREW UP AND HAD A FAMILY.
OH, FLYING TO THE MOON. WINNING THE WORLD SERIES. BECOMING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WHAT DO YOU DREAM OF NOW?
GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN PEACE.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DREAM.
JUST TEN QUIET MINUTES TO DO MY BUSINESS.

LOOKS LIKE THERE'S BEEN A SPATE OF GRAVE ROBBERIES AT THAT OLD CEMETERY DOWNTOWN.
WHY? ARE THEY HOPING TO FIND JEWELRY OR SOMETHING?
I GUESS. WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE RANSACK A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD GRAVE?
Not much meat on bones, Bob.
Is like worst buffet ever.

AND THAT'S HOW MUCH THE WORLD'S FATTEST MAN WEIGHS. I SWEAR.
THAT NUMBER SEEMS TOO HIGH. I'LL JUST LOOK IT UP ON MY SMARTPHONE.
YEP. TOO HIGH.
I MISS THE DAYS WHEN WE COULD BULL#*&G WITH IMPUNITY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
THIS HOMELESS-LOOKING GUY WAS ROAMING DOWN THE STREET WITH A SCYTHE, SO I HAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD TO STOP HIM.
YOU BEAT UP FATHER TIME.
OH, WELL. IT WAS A BAD YEAR ANYWAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, VICTOR THE VEGAN?
FORAGING THE FOREST FLOOR FOR NUTS AND BERRIES, LIVING AS NATURE INTENDED, INSTEAD OF HARMING OTHER CREATURES.
AND THE BEAR WASN'T A VEGAN.

LOOK AT THIS BIG AD FOR TRUCK MUDFLAPS.
WHAT'S A MUDFLAP?
THESE RUBBER SQUARES THAT PROTECT OTHERS FROM THE HARMFUL DEBRIS THE TRUCK STIRS UP AS IT TRAVELS.
CAN WE PUT SOME ON MY MOTHER?
NO.
HER CHRISTMAS VISITS ARE VERY PAINFUL.

I HAVE TO STAY AT A MOTEL THIS WEEK WHILE MY ROOM GETS PAINTED.
A MOTEL? COME STAY AT MY HOUSE.
REALLY?
OF COURSE. FOLLOW ME.
...SO THIS IS THE THERMOSTAT. BUT TRY NOT TO USE THE HEAT. I'M TRYING TO SAVE ENERGY.
AND THIS IS YOUR ROOM. IT HAS A TV, BUT IF IT'S TOO LOUD, I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM.
AND THE BATHROOM'S IN THERE, BUT TRY TO TAKE QUICK SHOWERS. I LIKE TO SAVE WATER.
AND HERE'S THE KITCHEN, BUT DON'T THROW ANYTHING OUT, 'CAUSE EVERYTHING HAS ITS OWN RECYCLING BIN.
SO THAT'S IT, BUDDY. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, BILL... HE
MAY HAVE KILLED A MAN, BUT IT'S
OKAY BECAUSE THE COPS SAY HE'S
A REALLY INTERESTING PERSON.
PERSON-OF-INTEREST.
I WAS CLOSE.

I KEEP TRYING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. WHERE I TRAVEL. WHAT I SEE. WHERE I LIVE. BUT NONE OF IT MAKES ME ANY HAPPIER.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE WHEREVER I GO, THERE I STILL AM.
I JUST BLEW MY OWN MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WATCHING SANTA'S REINDEER. THEY'RE DOING THEIR BUSINESS ALL OVER OUR FRONT LAWN.
AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA USE THE POOPER SCOOPER...
SANTA CAN BE SO VINDICTIVE.

GREETINGS! WE’RE SANTA’S LITTLE ELVES! CAN WE COME INSIDE AND GIVE YOU THIS YEAR’S GIFTS?
SANTA’S ELVES? OF COURSE!
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
I GUESS SOMEONE HASN’T VERY GOOD THIS YEAR.

WELL, HELLO LITTLE FELLO. AND WHAT CAN I GET YOU THIS YEAR?
YOU SHORTED ME ON GIFTS LAST YEAR, SANTA. SO I'M GONNA TOVAH HARDING YOUR NANCY KERRIGAN LITTLE @#%*.
YOU'RE GONNA WHAT N OWWW
AND THEY WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CANDY CANE.

WELL, I'M OFF TO THE MALL TO SEE SANTA.
WELL, THAT'S SWEET. TO ASK HIM FOR SOMETHING NICE?
TO BEAT HIM FOR LAST YEAR'S SNUB.
NEVER WRITE A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

BOMBAST CABLE, CAN I HELP YOU.
I'D LIKE TO CANCEL CABLE.
WHAT? WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.
I'M JUST HERE TO CANCEL.
ARE YOU UNSATISFIED WITH YOUR SERVICE?
YES.
WHY ARE YOU UNSATISFIED?
BECAUSE YOU WON'T CANCEL ME.
MAYBE I CAN HELP.
YOU CAN HELP BY CANCELING ME.
BUT THEN YOU DIDN'T ASK.
CANCEL ME.
I DON'T HAVE TO.
I'LL HAVE TO SEE IF I CAN FIX YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM. CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE IF I CAN ME YOU.
NO! CANCEL ME.
LEMME SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
I SAID CANCEL ME.
BEFORE YOU DO THAT, THERE IS A TRAINED NINJA ASSASSIN JUST OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A USE FOR YOUR CUSTOM RETENTION PROGRAM.
CABLES CANCELED.