Pearls Before Swine | Search

HAVE YOU HEARD I'M A MEDICAL DOCTOR NOW!
OH, YEAH? I HEAR A LOT OF DOCTORS ARE CLOSING DOWN THEIR PRACTICES THESE DAYS BECAUSE THEY'RE TIRED OF DEALING WITH HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES.
NOT ME. I HAVE STAFF THAT TAKES CARE OF ALL THAT. AND THEY'RE PRETTY EFFECTIVE.
WHAT MAKES THEM EFFECTIVE?
PAY FOR THE PROCEDURE.
OKAY.

Elly Elephant went to bed with her teddy bear for the 11,000th straight night
I want to be held by a living being she cried.
So Elly Elephant ventured into the world.
Searching for two arms to protect her.
For two hands to caress her.
For two lips to kiss her.
For two eyes to get lost in.
Elly Elephant got a slap on the @#%$.
Elly Elephant learned to be happy with her teddy bear.

I'M THINKING ABOUT WRITING A BOOK ABOUT A METH DEALER WHO BATTLES AN ALCOHOLIC EX-COP FOR CONTROL OF NEW YORK'S UNDERWORLD, BUT I FEAR IT WOULDN'T GET PUBLISHED.
SOUNDS INTERESTING. WHY WOULDN'T IT GET PUBLISHED?
IT'S A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
PLEASE SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.
COULD MAKE A NICE POP-UP BOOK.

SO, JEF THE CYCLIST, NOW THAT YOU'RE WEARING A CAPE, DOES THAT MAKE YOU A SUPERHERO?
I'M AFRAID NOT, GOAT. FOR WHILE WE BOTH MAY WEAR SPANDEX, THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CYCLIST AND A SUPERHERO.
HOW SO?
ONE OF US HAS SPECIAL POWERS AND CAN SAVE THE WORLD. THE OTHER'S JUST A SUPERHERO.
YOU SHOULD LEAP OFF A TALL BUILDING, JEF.
HUSH, MORTAL.

JEF THE CYCLIST HAS DECIDED THAT WEARING A TIGHT SPANDEX SUIT IS NO LONGER GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE ADDING A CAPE MAKES ME A SUPERHERO.
THOUGH ADMITTEDLY, THAT'S A STEP BELOW CYCLIST.
FLY AWAY NOW, JEF.

NOW DOCTOR, IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WHILE I'M AT HOME OVER THE WEEKEND, WILL YOU MAKE A HOUSE CALL?
OF COURSE.
YOU WILL?
YES, I'LL CALL YOUR HOUSE AND TELL YOU NEVER TO BOTHER ME ON THE WEEKEND AGAIN.
I GUESS THAT'S SORT OF A HOUSE CALL.
I'M PRETTY PATIENT-FRIENDLY THAT WAY.

WHERE'S STEPHAN TODAY?
HE'S BEEN REAL DEPRESSED SINCE HIS WIFE STACI LEFT HIM, SO HE DECIDED TO SEE A DOCTOR.
I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T TRUST DOCTORS.
HE DOESN'T, SO HE'S GONNA TRY THAT NEW DOCTOR'S OFFICE NEAR HIS HOUSE AND HOPE HE FINDS A GOOD ONE.
FIRST I'LL NEED TO CHECK YOUR REFLEXES.
NURSE!

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
WELL, MR. JOHNSON, I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU HAVE MIGHT BE FATAL, BUT I'LL HAVE TO RUN SOME TESTS TO BE SURE.
OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT KIND OF TESTS?
BAD NEWS.

DID YOU HEAR THE STATE PASSED A LAW THAT ALLOWS POLICE TO STOP POTENTIAL ILLEGAL ALIENS?
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KICK THEM OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
BUT HOW DO THEY KNOW WHO'S AN ILLEGAL ALIEN AND WHO'S NOT?
I GUESS THEY'LL LOOK FOR GUYS WHOSE SKIN IS A DIFFERENT COLOR THAN OURS AND THOSE WHO TALK A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.
But me ees, like, ceetzen!!
I ALWAYS WAS SUSPICIOUS OF THOSE GUYS.

HAVE YOU SEEN PIG THIS MORNING?
HE'S ON THE COUNTER DOING HIS MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL.
HE'S WHAT???
"CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW ABRIDGING THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS!"
HE'S VERY PATRIOTIC.
I NEED A NEW DINER.
PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT MY MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL.

DOCTOR, I HAVE A SHARP PAIN IN MY SIDE AND I COULD REALLY USE YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION AS TO WHAT IT MIGHT BE.
HMMM... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR EPIBLITTA-POTAMUS.
WHAT'S THAT?
A WORD I FOUND IN A DR. SEUSS BOOK.
MY FAITH IN YOU IS DIMINISHING.
PLEASE DON’T RIP ON MY FELLOW DOCTORS.

RAT BECOMES A MEDICAL DOCTOR
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M A DOCTOR NOW.
YOU HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A DOCTOR.
BAHH. THAT'S OVERRATED. ANYONE CAN BE A DOCTOR.
OKAY. ACT LIKE A DOCTOR.
FINE. WAIT IN THIS ROOM FOR ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES. AT THE END OF WHICH, I'LL SHOW UP AND HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR QUESTIONS, BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
DID I MENTION HOW SUPERIOR I AM?

MR. GOAT, THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU FOR YOUR CHECKUP NOW.
TERRIFIC. SOUNDS LIKE DR. FOSTER IS RUNNING EARLY TODAY.
OH, I'M SORRY... DR. FOSTER RETIRED. BUT DON'T WORRY. WE HAVE A NEW DOCTOR WITH EXCELLENT CREDENTIALS.
THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME RÉSUMÉ PADDING.

WELL, RAT, I'M
OFF TO SEE MY
FAMILY FOR A
FEW DAYS. WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA
DO?
GONNA WATCH THE FIRST
EPISODE OF "BREAKING
BAD", SEE WHAT THE BIG
DEAL IS. THEN I HAVE
A BUNCH OF ERRANDS
I HAVE TO RUN.
HAVE
YOU
MOVED?
STUPID
BINGE
VIEWING.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
IT'S A FALAFEL TUCKED INSIDE ANIMAL ORGANS, ALL SERVED ON A WAFFLE. IT'S CHEF PHIL'S LATEST DISH.
WELL, GOAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PHIL, AWFUL FALAFEL OFFAL WAFFLE.
YOUR JOKES ARE WORSE THAN THAT DISH.

LISTEN... I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT.
BUT I'M NOT SURE WE'RE A GOOD FIT.
WHAT'S WRONG?
WELL, I DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF A WORRIER... AND PHYSICALLY, YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WELL, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF SHAPE, AND YOUR HAIR'S A BIT STRINGY.
IS THAT SO? ANYTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO ADD?
YOU HAVE NO NOSE.
PLEASE DON'T DRAW ON MY FACE.
BUT IT LOOKS SOOO MUCH BETTER.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI. WE'RE THE VIGILANTE DEER. AND WE'RE TIRED OF BEING SHOT BY HUNTERS LIKE YOU. SO WE WERE THINKING, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU FIND US IN THE WOODS, YOU CAN FORGO THE USUAL GUN AND MAYBE JUST THROW THIS "NERF" BALL AT US.
WE'LL TAKE THAT AS A COUNTERPROPOSAL.

HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THAT GAME WHERE YOU TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT YOUR ADULT FILM NAME WOULD BE?
NO. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WELL, YOUR FIRST NAME IS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET.
I HAD A GOLDFISH NAMED ABE.
AND YOUR LAST NAME IS THE STREET YOU WERE RAISED ON.
UNKOON.
STAY OUT OF ADULT FILMS.

HEY, RAT. I'M MISSING A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL THAT USED TO BE RIGHT HERE IN MY WALLET. HAVE YOU SEEN IT?
SORRY, DUDE. HAVEN'T SEEN A THING.
HE'S LYING. HE STOLE IT AND SPENT IT AT A BAR.
I HATE STOOL PIGEONS.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
MAKING PANCAKES AND TOSSING THEM TO PIG.
FLIP ME THE PANCAKE! FLIP ME THE PANCAKE!
THIS ONE IN THE PAN NOW IS SHAPED LIKE A SPARROW.
FLIP ME THE BIRD! FLIP ME THE BIRD!
THAT DOES IT.
WHAT -- ? ARE YOU ANTI-PANCAKES?
I CAN GIVE YOU THE BIRD IF YOU WANT.

RRRRNGGG
HELLO?
HELLO. I AM SORRY TO DISTURB YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, BUT THIS IS THE NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE IN STOCKHOLM CALLING TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON WINNING THIS YEAR'S PRIZE.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! REALLY?
CLICK
NOPE.
I'LL PAY FOR THAT.

EVERY MORNING YOU GET UP, YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE.
THAT'S A NICE SENTIMENT.
AND THE CLOSEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO YOUR INEVITABLE DEATH.
AND THERE GOES THAT.
I SEE YOU COMING, GREAT DIRT NAP!!!

I HATE THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIM?
NO. IT’S THE THREE OR MORE AFFECTATION RULE.
WHAT'S THAT?
AN AFFECTATION IS SOMETHING YOU DO THAT IS DESIGNED TO IMPRESS OTHERS.
I KNOW WHAT AN AFFECTATION IS. WHAT'S IT TO DO WITH HATING SOMEONE?
IF A GUY HAS THREE OR MORE AFFECTATIONS, I FIND THE GUY TOO FAKE TO LIKE. HENCE, I BECOME THE KIND OF IDIOT TO HATE.
SO WHAT COUNTS AS AN AFFECTATION?
EARRINGS, TATTOOS, PIERCINGS, STYLISH HATS, COIFFED HAIR, SIDEBURNS, GAUGES, HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHES, DESIGNER GLASSES…AND THE MORE HE HAS, THE MORE OF A @#%-&@# HE IS.
HEY, GUYS…GUESS WHO GOT A NEW LOOK.
I GUESS THAT RULE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR EVERY TIME ANYWAY.
YEP.
DO YOU LIKE THE BERET BETTER?

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER TODAY?
SAMPLING DIFFERENT WINES AND TAKING NOTES ON THEM FOR HIS BLOG.
HOW MANY DOES HE HAVE TO SAMPLE?
TEN, I THINK. WHY?
Wine gud.

DAD STARTED A BLOG WHERE HE REVIEWS FINE WINE.
UNLIKE PEOPLE WHO REVIEW WINE HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THINGS LIKE BODY AND AROMA AND SWEETNESS AND ACIDITY. OF COURSE. WHAT ELSE WOULD HE WRITE ABOUT?
Bottel got stuk
up nose.