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HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA READING?
THIS ARTICLE ON THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MESSING AROUND WITH ALL OF THESE SURREPTITIOUS PROGRAMS... OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT "SURREPTITIOUS" MEANS?
IT'S SYRUP THAT'S DELICIOUS.
MAYBE I'LL JUST KEEP READING.
ARE THEY MESSING WITH MY SYRUP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE THIS SHOCKINGLY UNBELIEVABLE PROBLEM... YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS GIRLFRIEND WHO--
*FAINT*
THE SHOCKING PART IS NOT THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
SLOW DOWN, COWBOY...
ONE STUNNER AT A TIME.

HEY, ZEBRA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SHLOMO. HE'S SECOND VIOLINIST IN OUR SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. NOW AS SECOND VIOLINIST, WHAT IS YOUR MAIN FOCUS?
KILLING THE FIRST VIOLINIST.
I HEARD THAT, SHLOMO.
WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, IVAN?
CHECK, PLEASE.

HEY, ZEBRA. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET IVAN. HE'S FIRST VIOLINIST IN OUR CITY'S SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
WOW. WHAT AN HONOR TO MEET—
HEY! I'M IN THE ORCHESTRA! I'M IN THE--
SECOND VIOLINISTS CAN BE SO ANNOYING.

I'M DATING A NEW WOMAN. SHE LIKES TO WEAR FISHNETS.
OH, GOSH... I THINK THAT'S SO SEXY, DON'T YOU?
NOT REALLY.
LEAVE IT TO YOU TO RUIN SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
ME AND ZEBRA ARE GOING TO SEE A HERD OF CATTLE THAT USED TO BELONG TO THE CHARACTER 'HOSS' ON 'BONANZA.'
WHAT FOR?
THEY'RE SUPER SMART. EVERY MEMBER OF THE HERD IS A REAL WHIZ AT DOING TRICKS, COMMUNICATING, ALL SORTS OF STUFF.
AND THEY PERFORM FOR ANYONE?
NO. YOU HAVE TO BRING ONE DEER THAT THE WHOLE HERD CAN EAT FIRST.
THAT'S ODD. I DIDN'T THINK CATTLE NORMALLY ATE MEAT.
ME EITHER. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GO.
WHERE YOU GOING?
OFF TO SEE THE WHIZ HERD. THE ONE-DEER- FULL WHIZ HERD OF HOSS.
DING DONG THE CARTOONIST IS DEAD.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I'M LEARNING HOW TO PLAY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL SONGS ON MY GUITAR.
HEY, I LOVE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL. PLAY ME ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SOUNDS OF SILENCE.
CHECK, PLEASE.
ENCORE! ENCORE!

HEY, PIG, DID YOU GET A NEW SHIRT?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. I JUST BOUGHT IT 'CAUSE I TRIED IT ON.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY A SHIRT JUST BECAUSE YOU TRY IT ON.
IF YOU TAKE THE LITTLE PINS OUT, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE SHIRT!!!
I SEE YOU FEEL STRONGLY.
HAVE YOU NO MERCY FOR THE RE-PINNING SHIRT PEOPLE??

HEY, GOAT... WHATCHA READING?
THIS BIOGRAPHY OF ABE LINCOLN.
DOES IT EXPLAIN VERY MUCH ABOUT HIS ASSASSINATION OR -- OOPS.
WHAT?
SPOILER ALERT.

HEY THERE, RAT… WANT TO HELP ME BUILD THIS NEW DECK? I'M USING PRESSURE-TREATED WOOD.
WHAT'S PRESSURE-TREATED WOOD?
YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB.
YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR BILLS.
YOUR WIFE'S HAD IT WITH YOU.
PARDON ME WHILE I SAVE THE COMICS PAGE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?!
I'VE BECOME A PRO WRESTLER!
MY PERSONA IS THAT OF THE WRITER JAMES JOYCE.
I'LL ENGAGE THE CROWD THROUGH MY SHEER NUMBER OF RICH LITERARY ALLUSIONS!
ADMITTEDLY, THIS MAY GO OVER SOME PEOPLE'S HEADS.

MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BROKE UP WITH ME. NOW I'M GONNA BE LONELY FOREVER.
OHH, PIG... THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.

Bob! Bob! Look whuh me find.
Whuh ees it, Burt?
It say 'defibrilator'.
Ooh. Sound like 'alligator'. Must be for reptiles.
How duh it work? It have instruckshuns, but too hard to read.
Maybe has audio instruckshuns.
You right. Dis button problee 'PLAY'...Now where sound come from?
Hedphones.
Yeah. But how it save lives? Hard to hear.
Aren't those devices supposed to save lives?
Whuh instruckshuns say, Bob?

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I'VE DECIDED TO TRY MY HAND AT ABALONE DIVING.
YOU'LL NEED A WETSUIT.
HOW'S THIS HELP?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY FRIEND COUNT DECREASED ON FACEBOOK AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO IT WAS THAT UNFRIENDED ME.
WHAT FOR?
SO I CAN FIND HIM.
PERHAPS YOU'RE TAKING FACEBOOK TOO SERIOUSLY.
NO ONE DECREASES MY FRIEND COUNT!

WHATCHA READIN', GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE COLLAPSE OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.
FIGURES.
WHAT FIGURES?
THAT AN EMPIRE BUILT OF TINY LITTLE SOFAS WOULD COLLAPSE.
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO READING NOW.
WERE THEY DEFEATED BY THE BARCALOUNGER DYNASTY?

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN. THE GUY TRAVELS TO ALL THESE PLACES WHERE HE JUST DRINKS, SMOKES, SWEARS, AND HATES IDIOTS.
IS THAT ANNOYING?
ANNOYING?
HE'S LIVING THE DREAM!!
YOU HAVE ODD ROLE MODELS.
THE MAN'S A @#*%@# SUPERHERO!

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS ACCOUNT OF A WOMAN ACCUSED OF BEING A WITCH IN THE 1600S. SHE WAS STONED.
KIDS READ THIS SECTION.
IT WAS A PUNISHMENT.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ONE.

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU SIT DOWN TO GET WORK DONE ON THE COMPUTER AND THEN FIND YOURSELF JUST WASTING TIME ON THE INTERNET?
HEY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE BREAK NOW AND THEN. HOW MUCH TIME DID YOU LOSE?
THREE DAYS.
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD INVEST IN A TYPEWRITER.
HOW DARE THEY PUT ENTERTAINMENT WHERE MY WORK IS!

I went to dinner in San Francisco with some friends from my comic strip syndicate and our crazy cabbie drove 85 MPH through the Broadway Tunnel.
Oh my goodness... what happened next??
I'll tell you what was going through his mind but first let me note that this was the Princess Diana tunnel all over again. And he would be immortalized just like her.
Oh, don't be silly, Rat.
Oh, I won't. But I will read these candle in the wind lyrics I wrote in his notepad.
"GOODBYE, 'SPEEDY,' YOU THRIVER I NEVER KNEW AT ALL WHO HAD THE GRACE TO HOLD YOUR PEN WHILE TOONISTS FOUND YOU SCRAWLED...
they scrambled out of their dumb cars and they screamed that you had no brain and those fatties needed YOUR GRAPHIC HAND AND THEY WISHED THEY HAD A TREADMILL..."
...YOU FLIPPED YOUR TAXI TRYING HARD TO SAVE A DAMSEL AND EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD NO CLASS...
They waved you in front of the chase van and they made a cartoonist of you...
SHOULD I HOLD THIS CANDLE HERE??
OOH OOH! CAN IT TALK TO HER??

HEY THERE, MISTER SNUFFLES... LISTEN, I HEARD OUR NEIGHBOR, MR. JOHNSON, ANNOYED YOU BY SHOOING YOU OUT OF HIS YARD WITH A BROOM. AND I'M SURE YOU FOUND IT EMBARRASSING AND DISRESPECTFUL.
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T TAKE HIM HOSTAGE.
HE'S BIG ON RESPECT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I SAW YOU DOING ORIGAMI, SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT MYSELF. THIS ONE'S AN EXPLODING DELI OVERWHELMING A POOR TOWN WITH A WAVE OF FALLING MEATS.
IT'S A WHAT NOW?
AN ORIGAMI SALAMI TSUNAMI.
YOU BRING DOWN THE ENTIRE COMICS SECTION.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG. I’M DOING ORIGAMI. IT’S SURPRISINGLY EASY TO MAKE STUFF OUT OF PAPER.
OH, YEAH? SHOW ME WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED TO MAKE SO FAR.
CRUMPLED BALL.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, YOUR LAWYER'S HERE. LOOKS LIKE HE GOT YOU ALL OUT ON BAIL.
AND I BETTER GET PAID HANDSOMELY FOR IT!!!
STEVE DALLAS?
WHO'S STEVE DALLAS?
LOOK IT UP, KID. LOOK IT UP.

Every major character in "Pearls" is currently in prison, with the sole exception of Goat, who isn't funny. So in lieu of a "Pearls" strip, Stephan will run an installment of his favorite online strip, "Cyanide and Happiness."
I just Did you
who a
my of
in her?
I SENSE A WEE BIT OF CENSORSHIP.
WELL, WE'RE IN NEWSPAPERS, GOSH DARN IT!
WHOA WHOA WHOA, WATCH THE LANGUAGE, STEPH.