Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU?
SHOPPING FOR A WARM JACKET.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING WITH FUR, 'CAUSE THAT'S CRUEL TO ANIMALS LIKE FOXES AND RABBITS.
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GET LEATHER, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ANY COWS.
SO WHAT'D YOU GET?
JUST A GOOD OL' BIG PUFFY JACKET.
THAT'S DOWN.
SO?
SO SCREW YOU, FATTY.
MAYBE I'LL JUST KNIT A SWEATER.

WHAT A TERRIBLE DAY. YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS.
NO. YOU GOTTA HEAR ABOUT MY TERRIBLE DAY.
YOU KNOW, RAT, LIFE'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
THEN WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ABOUT.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
NO, REALLY. YOU'VE STUMPED ME.

LOOK, RAT... I FIXED OUR FILING CABINET... BEFORE, IT ONLY LET YOU OPEN ONE DRAWER AT A TIME. NOW YOU CAN OPEN BOTH.
THUD
I THINK I PREFER THE OLD WAY.

CAN I BORROW THE NEWSPAPER? I LIKE TO BE SURE TO READ THE OBITUARIES EVERY DAY.
AWWW... TO SEE IF ANYONE YOU LOVE HAS PASSED AWAY?
TO SEE WHO I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE.
ALMOST A TOUCHING MOMENT.
FRED'S GONE!

THE GUY BEHIND ME
IS THE BAR'S NEW
BOUNCER. HE'S A
REAL BRUISER.
WHY
DO YOU
SAY
THAT?
I BRUISE EASILY.
AND YOU SHOULD SEE HIM CRY.

GOAT! COME QUICK! I'VE HIT A GUSHER!!
HOLY SMOKES, YOU STRUCK OIL! YOU'RE GONNA BE RICH!
OIL? OIL IS NOTHING COMPARED TO--
PRINTER CARTRIDGE INK!!!
THE MOST OVERPRICED SUBSTANCE ON EARTH!!
TAKE THAT, H.P.!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
THE 'WINDOW TO THE FUTURE'. I INVENTED IT. YOU LOOK THROUGH IT AND SEE ALL THE THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU OVER THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IT'S PROBABLY BEST NOT TO KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
RORSCHACH TESTS.
OH. WHERE YOU SHOW INK BLOTS TO PEOPLE AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY SEE?
YES. NOW SHUT UP. OKAY PIG, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
I GUESS I JUST SEE FAILURE. LIKE SOMETHING THAT HAS GONE TERRIBLY WRONG. SHOW ZEBRA.
I DON'T KNOW...IT JUST MAKES ME SAD. WHAT DOES GOAT SEE?
I SEE SOMETHING MORE PATHETIC THAN SAD. SHOW STEPHAN...
WONDER WHAT HE SAW.

HEY, PIG. HOW IS IT THAT YOU'RE ABLE TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE?
I TRY TO SEE EVERYONE AS THE LITTLE KID THEY ONCE WERE.
THAT'S BRILLIANT. ARE YOU ALWAYS ABLE TO DO THAT?
NOT ALWAYS.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. WANT TO TRY OUT MY LATEST INVENTION, THE "FORTHRIGHT-OMETER"? I ASK YOU A QUESTION AND IT TELLS ME WHETHER OR NOT YOUR ANSWER IS WHAT YOU REALLY THINK.
WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT I THINK? YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO.

HEY, GOAT. I'M TAKING A CLASS TO IMPROVE MY SPELLING. MIND QUIZZING ME ON THESE WORDS?
SURE. BUT TURN AROUND SO YOU CAN'T SEE THE WORDS.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
OKAY...THE FIRST WORD IS 'SOB.'
S-O-B
HE CAN BE SO MOODY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
SOME MOM HIRED HIM TO DO FACE PAINTING AT HER SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
OH, KIDS LOVE THAT. HAS HE DONE IT BEFORE?
NO. WHY?
I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.

I HEARD YOU'RE SUBMITTING AN APPLICATION TO BECOME A SAINT. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE BASED ON. :)
I LET A WOMAN WITH ONE ITEM GO AHEAD OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
WAIT A MINUTE. I WAS THERE THAT DAY. YOU SAID YOU DID IT BECAUSE SHE WAS HOT AND YOU WERE HOPING THAT SHE'D TALK TO YOU.
HAVE SOME MONEY FROM THE CHURCH BASKET.
SAINTS DON'T BRIBE.

HEY FATHER GUS, HOW DOES THE CHURCH DECIDE WHO GETS TO BECOME A SAINT?
IT’S A COMPLICATED PROCESS. WHY DO YOU ASK?
BECAUSE I LET A WOMAN BUYING ONE ITEM CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE GROCERY STORE LINE.
I DON’T THINK THAT’S ENOUGH.
I RECYCLED A BEER BOTTLE ONCE.

WHOA... PIG LEFT A LOAD OF CASH JUST SITTING ON THIS TABLE.
I COULD SURE USE IT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
TAKE IT, RAT!
TAKE IT!
PIG WON'T KNOW.
POOF
OH MY GOODNESS. YOU'RE THE DEMON ON MY SHOULDER. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ALLURING?
SO IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST?
DO IT, RAT.
DO IT!
NO. NO... SURELY THERE'S AN ANGEL ON MY OTHER SHOULDER.
ONE WHO ENCOURAGES ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING!
AND IS EQUALLY HOT!
EQUALLY ALLURING!
POOF
UH... DO THE RIGHT THING.
YOU DO A MISERABLE JOB.
WHOA. SHE'S HOT.
GET BACK, FATTY.

I KEEP ASKING NEIGHBOR BOB TO PLEASE STOP TAKING OUR LAWNMOWER WITHOUT PERMISSION, BUT HE JUST DOESN'T LISTEN.
DUDE, STOP BEING SO NICE. THROW IN SOME COLORFUL LANGUAGE.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND VERY HELPFUL.
IT'S INTIMIDATING. TRY IT.
PLEASE STOP USING OUR RED LAWNMOWER TO CUT YOUR GREEN GRASS.

BEHOLD! YOU ARE LOOKING AT A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!
CONGRATS, PIG! WHAT'D YOU WRITE?
A COMMENT ON AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD.
NOT SURE THAT'S THE SAME.
IT WAS PRETTY SNARKY, BUT I THINK THAT STILL COUNTS.

WHY IS THE PLACE THEY PUT YOUR COMIC IN THE NEWSPAPER CALLED THE 'FUNNY PAGES'?
BECAUSE THE WORK I DO IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY.
IS THERE A 'SAD, BUT DOING HIS BEST' PAGE?
THIS SEEMS TO BE A SENSITIVE SUBJECT.

HEY, PHYSICIST PHIL. HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M DOING A PEER REVIEW OF A FELLOW PHYSICIST'S SCIENTIFIC PAPER.
OH, WONDERFUL. WHAT HAVE YOU WRITTEN SO FAR?
My colleague is a fathead poopypants.
IT'S GOTTEN PERSONAL.

HEY, PHYSICIST PHIL. HOW GOES IT.
SPECTACULAR... I JUST FOUND OUT I WON THIS YEAR'S NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS.
OH MY GOODNESS, THAT'S GREAT, PHIL. DO YOUR FELLOW PHYSICISTS AT THE UNIVERSITY KNOW?
NO. I IMAGINE THEY DON'T. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD CALL AND INFORM THEM.
NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAAAAHH NYAH.
PHYSICISTS ARE VERY IMMATURE.

THIS IS FROM
THE FELLOW A
COUPLE SEATS
DOWN FROM
YOU.
OH,
HOW
SWEET.
THAT'LL
BE
THREE
DOLLARS.
I THOUGHT
YOU SAID HE
BOUGHT IT
FOR ME.
HE PAID FOR HALF.
I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY.

Whu you doing, son?
STUDYING D.N.A.
Whu dat?
It's the stuff that carries all the genetic information from our parents, and it resides in almost every cell in our body.
Almost every cell?
Yeah, it's incredible. And each cell has two sets. One from our mother and one from our father.
So one set of me ees een every cell of you body?
Yeah, what do you think of that?
You ees hoseed.
DAD IS VERY DISCOURAGING.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SUPER CAT. HE'S A SUPERHERO KITTY WHO LEAPS INTO ACTION WHENEVER THERE'S SOMEONE IN NEED.
WHAT'S HE DO?
WALKS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
HOW HELPFUL.
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, HE'LL LICK HIS PAWS.
LICK LICK LICK

IT SAYS HERE THE GOVERNMENT IS EXPERIMENTING WITH A NEW KIND OF DRONE... ONE THAT DOESN'T BOMB OUR ENEMIES, BUT INSTEAD HARASSES THEM INTO SURRENDERING.
WHAT KIND OF DRONE COULD DO THAT?
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
THE DREADED POODLE DRONE.

HEY, STEPH. WHAT'S UP?
DID YOU KNOW THAT DES MOINES IS THE MOST POPULOUS CITY IN IOWA?
AND THAT IT HAS ITS OWN SYMPHONY AND THE DES MOINES ART CENTER AND THE PAPPAJOHN SCULPTURE PARK AND A CAPITOL BUILDING WITH FIVE DOMES AND IS A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE AND WORK?
LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE KISSING BUTT BECAUSE YOUR "PEARLS" JUST BEGAN RUNNING IN THE DES MOINES REGISTER.
YOU'RE VERY CYNICAL.
IT'S NOT HEAVEN, IT'S IOWA!