Pearls Before Swine | Search

THANKS FOR COMING OVER FOR COFFEE, PIGITA. WE DON'T DO ENOUGH COUPLESS STUFF LIKE THIS.
I KNOW.. IT'S KIND OF ROMANTIC. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME CREAM FOR MY COFFEE?
SQUIRT
PLUNK
HAVE I KILLED THE MOOD?

HEY, GOAT! YOU GOTTA HELP ME WITH THAT GREEN ROOF WE INSTALLED!
THE ONE THAT ATTRACTED THE GRAZING COW…?
YES! THE COW CRASHED THROUGH.
THE WHOLE COW…?
JUST PART.
HEY, CLARABEL… GIMME A SQUIRT.

HEY, PIG, I HEARD YOU INSTALLED ONE OF THOSE GREEN ROOFING SYSTEMS WHERE THEY COVER YOUR ROOF WITH GRASS AND PLANTS AND STUFF.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
WHAT'S WRONG?
IT ATTRACTED A GRAZING COW.
MOOO
TIME TO USE THE CATTLE PROD AGAIN.

WHATCHA DOIN', RATT?
I GOT A JOB AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER. RIGHT NOW, I'M REVIEWING THE APPLICANTS' ESSAYS.
My unique experience in the Amazon rainforest has prepared me for your university's excellent...
Assisting my uncle in overcoming physical challenges has taught me that an education at your great institution will...
My goal is to receive a broad-based liberal arts education and there is no better place to achieve that than at your fine...
YO. JUST NEED A PLACE TO PARTY FOR 4 YEARS.
ACCEPTED
I LIKE THE HONEST ONES.

HEY, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BILL. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
THAT'S GREAT. FOR WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM?
NO FOOTBALL TEAM. HE'S JUST A COORDINATOR IN AN OFFICE.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
I AM, YOU FAT, STINKING, HOMELY GOAT.
HE'S A PRETTY OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
WANT MORE PROOF?
NO THANKS.

HIYA, GOAT...I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, ELIZABETH...
SHE'S WITH CHILD.
OH, HOW
WONDERFUL.
WHEN
ARE YOU
EXPECTING?
WHO SAID I WAS EXPECTING?
PERHAPS YOU
COULD USE A
DIFFERENT
EXPRESSION
NEXT TIME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH, "I'D
LIKE YOU TO
MEET MY
FRIEND?"

ARE YOU GONNA CLEAN THIS LIVING ROOM TODAY OR NOT? WE'VE GOT DUST BUNNIES ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
OH, SURE. I'LL GET TO IT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M THINKING CLEANLINESS IS OVERRATED.

Okay, Bob...Where walking Oreo? Me want tweets off top, eat.
larry lose.
Lose? How you lose?
Me no lose nutting! Oreos say dey want find way back Antartcee home. So who know where dey go?
THIS FEELS LIKE A DEAD END, SAUL.
KEEP DIGGING, MORTY.

Hullooo, leetle oreo tings. Welcome to you new house. Want see jacoozee?
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YOUR JACUZZI IS A GIANT GLASS OF MILK.
Peese, Oreo. Take dip.

GEE, MORTY, I'M SO NERVOUS. WHAT WILL OUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS BE LIKE? WILL THEY BE LOVING? WILL THEY BE NICE? WILL THEY BE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
GEE, SAUL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE WONDERING ABOUT US?
AND HOW YOU GUNNA EAT OREO?
ME TWIST OFF TOP FIRST.

SO THEN I --
DARN. CALL GOT DROPPED. I BETTER...
CALL PIG BACK. BUT WHAT IF...
...HE TRIES TO CALL ME? THEN HE'LL JUST GO...
...TO VOICEMAIL. I'LL WAIT FOR HIM TO...
...CALL ME. BUT WHAT IF HE'S WAITING ALSO? THEN I'LL...
LOOK, DUDE. I BETTER...
CALL HIM.
HI. I'M NOT AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. SO PLEASE--
AUGGGGHHH
THERE SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT PHENOMENON.

OUR TOWN IS SO POORLY RUN. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE MAYOR FOR A DAY JUST SO YOU CAN FIX A FEW THINGS?
OH, YEAH. FIRST LAW - NO MORE PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT FOR MAGICIANS.
MAGICIANS?
NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SAW A WOMAN IN HALF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAYOR.
MURDER IS MURDER, NO MATTER HOW ENTERTAINING.

GOOD NEWS, MORTY. I THINK OUR DAYS OF LOOKING OUT FOR POLAR BEARS ARE OVER. I GOT OUR NAMES INCLUDED IN AN ADOPTION CATALOG.
WHAT'S THAT?!
IT'S THIS PUBLICATION READ IN FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES BY THOSE LOOKING TO ADOPT THE UNDERPRIVILEGED... AND I HEAR THERE'S ALREADY SOME INTEREST IN US.
REALLY? BY WHOM?
Geev me ten giant Oreos.

YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION, 'YOU GET THE FACE YOU DESERVE'?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING VERY WRONG.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.
DID YOU DROWN PUPPIES?

HEY, MORTY, I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DISTINGUISH YOUR WIFE FROM ALL THE OTHER PENGUINS. ASK HER SOMETHING ONLY SHE WOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU.
GOOD IDEA, SAUL.
WHICH ONE OF YOU THINKS YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE?
NOT MUCH HELP, SAUL.

LOOK, SAUL... I FOUND A WAY TO DISTINGUISH OUR SIMILAR-LOOKING SPOUSES FROM ONE ANOTHER. I GIVE EACH OF THEM FUNNY HATS.
I WISH THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

CHECK THIS OUT, RAT.
IT'S A POSTER MADE BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT TO RAISE MORALE DURING WORLD WAR TWO.
KEEP CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
OH, YEAH?
I HAVE ONE JUST LIKE IT.
PANIC
AND
THROW
A
GINORMOUS
FIT
THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I ADHERE TO IT OFTEN.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
BEING SMART.
HOW IS STANDING ON A BUCKET SMART?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, AND IT'S SO STUPID. SO WHAT IF TEMPS RISE ONE DEGREE? ALL THAT HAPPENS IS THAT THE OCEANS RISE A COUPLE FEET.
JUST STAND ON A BUCKET.
RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE ON A BUCKET? YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO PLACES, LIKE TO GET FOOD, AND SUPPLIES, AND WATER.
BRILLIANT.
THAT TRAIL LEADS TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
BEER RUN!

HEY, GOAT... LOOK... THIS IS ABOUT THE TIME EVERY NIGHT THAT PIG HAS A DREAM HE'S FALLING.
WHY'S HE DO THAT?
WHO KNOWS.

LOOK AT THOSE YOUNGSTERS SITTING AT THAT TABLE. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL OLD?
NOPE.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
YOU USE THE WORD YOUNGSTER.
THAT HURTS.
TRY THIS NEXT: 'HEY, YOU CHAPS! GET OFF MY LAWN!'

BAD NEWS, SAUL. I LOST MY WIFE.
OH MY GOODNESS, MORTY. SHE DIED?
NO. I LITERALLY CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE SHE IS.
WE REALLY SHOULD COME WITH NAMETAGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEIGHBORHOOD SWIMMING POOL.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT. I HEARD A 'FREAKONOMICS' PODCAST EXPLAINING THAT A BIG MOTIVE FOR CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT ALTRUISM, BUT SOCIAL PRESSURE.
SO HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HOW YOU —
NEIGHBOR BOB IS A CHEAP #*!& WHO HAS NOT GIVEN ONE BUCK TO —
HAPPY?
WOW. THAT'S GENEROUS OF YOU, BOB.
FLEE THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BOB.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, WILLIE.
WELL, HELLO, WILLIE... DO YOU ENJOY BEING A JOCKEY?
JOCKEY? I'M NOT A JOCKEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME THAT?
NOT EVERYONE SHORT IS A JOCKEY, YOU KNOW.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, DR. DONKEY... THE DOCTOR DID HIS UNDERGRADUATE WORK AT HARVARD, ATTAINED HIS MASTERS FROM OXFORD, AND RECEIVED HIS DOCTORATE AT BERKELEY.
SOUNDS LIKE A SMART ASS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY... LEGIT WORD FOR DONKEY, PAL.
ARRRGH... STUPID TECHNICALITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOE ?
IT'S ME AND MY WIFE'S 20th ANNIVERSARY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GET HER SOME FLOWERS.
WOW. TWENTY YEARS. WHAT'S THAT LIKE ?
PRETTY AMAZING, JOE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A SOUL MATE.
REALLY ?
REALLY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR EVERY PREDILECTION, YOUR EVERY QUIRK. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR MATTRESS. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR SOCKS ARRANGED.
BUT ENOUGH OF THIS CHIT CHAT. I HAVE A GIFT TO GIVE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVELY WIFE.
WIFE ? I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.
PENGUINS ARE SO HARD TO TELL APART.