Pearls Before Swine | Search

GUYS, GUYS, I HAVE AN ADMISSION TO MAKE:
FOR 12 YEARS, I'VE BEEN ARTIFICIALLY
IMPROVING THE WRITING OF THIS STRIP
THROUGH THE PURCHASE AND USE OF H.E.D.s,
OR 'HUMOR ENHANCING DRUGS.'
I'M SORRY.
I'M ASHAMED.
AND I'M SURE YOU HAVE
QUESTIONS.
CAN YOU TRIPLE THE DOSAGE?
I'M ON PLENTY
ALREADY,
THANKS.
DOES 'ENHANCE'
MEAN
DECREASE?

LOOK, HONEY… A DEAD HERRING LYING THERE ON THAT ICE. GO OVER AND GET IT FOR US…
HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S NOT A TRICK OF THAT POLAR BEAR…?

NOT A TRICK
LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT A TRICK.

HONEY. I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE TODAY. I FEAR THAT BEAR IS NEAR.
HE'S NOT. I CAN SEE MUCH FURTHER THAN USUAL TODAY. AND I SEE NO SIGN OF HIM IN ANY DIRECTION.
THAT'S ODD. I CAN SEE FURTHER, TOO.
PERSPECTIVE IS SUCH A TRICKY THING.

I HEARD PIG BOUGHT HIS MOM ONE OF THOSE CHAIRS THAT YOU PLUG INTO THE WALL AND IT GIVES YOU THOSE GREAT MASSAGES.
YEAH, BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT IT.
WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S HOW HE PRESENTED IT.
Hope you enjoy the electric chair!

HEY, PIG, LET ME GET A PHOTO OF THE TWO OF US TOGETHER IN THIS CAFE.
WHO YOU GONNA GET TO TAKE THE PHOTO?
ME. THE iPHONE HAS A LENS ON BOTH THE FRONT AND BACK. SO I JUST PICK THE FRONT LENS, AND LOOK, I CAN SEE THE BOTH OF US.
HOW NEAT.
YEAH... OKAY, NOW SMILE...
THAT FEATURE SHOULD COME WITH WARNINGS.

I JUST TRIED TO ASK THAT WOMAN OUT AND SHE CALLED ME A PATHETIC NERD.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THANK YOU.
NOT FAIR TO PATHETIC NERDS.
UN-THANK YOU.
THEY HAVE MUCH MORE DIGNITY THAN YOU.

HEY, TOON BOY... INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS ARE GOING OFF ON YOUR POLAR BEAR / PENGUIN STRIPS. THEY SAY YOU'RE A MORON FOR NOT KNOWING THAT THE LATTER LIVE AT THE SOUTH POLE WHILE THE FORMER LIVE AT THE NORTH.
CRACK
THAT'S THE ONLY MATURE WAY OF HANDLING INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS.

DEAR, I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT THERE AND CATCH FISH FOR YOU. BUT THAT POLAR BEAR IS STILL OUT THERE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT'S HIM?
I HAVE A FEEL FOR THESE THINGS.

HONEY, GO CATCH US SOME FISH. I'M HUNGRY.
DEAR... LOOK.
YOU'RE NOT HERE TO EAT US, ARE YOU?
UH... NO.
YOU'RE SAFE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, GOAT?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AMAZED BY MADAME CURIE'S WORK ON RADIOACTIVITY. SO I THOUGHT I'D CREATE A TRIBUTE CITY. I CALL "IN AWE OF CURIE."
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
NOT REALLY. A STRAY CAT CHEWED ON SOME OF THE WIRES AND DIED.
SO CURIE AWE CITY KILLED THE CAT?
YOU RADIATE UNFUNNINESS.

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE.
SQUISH SQUISH
PLEASE DON'T ADD VERSES TO NURSERY RHYMES.
LIVING IN SHOES HAS ITS RISKS.

I HAVE TO RUN HOME AND WRITE A PAPER ON A FOREIGN DICTATOR FOR OUR CIVICS CLASS TOMORROW.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO WRITE ABOUT.
HMMM...
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT AND THEY GAVE HIM SOME PAINKILLER, SO HE'S LOOPY.
WAIT. HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT. THE PAIN GOES AWAY.
DON'T BE SAD, PIG. HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT. THE PAIN GOES AWAY.
HEY GUYS, IT SOUNDS LIKE THOSE DRUGS ARE MAKING YOU A LITTLE INSANE.
YEAH, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU TO ME. YOU SOUND—
WELL, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE IT TO ME.
GREAT IDEA, PIG. THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHAT THE @#!! JUST HAPPENED?
WELL... IT'S NO REASON TO SWEAR. THAT'S NOT NICE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET A GUY HERE NAMED BOB. I MET HIM ON FACEBOOK; BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
DOESN'T HE HAVE A PROFILE PHOTO?
HIS PHOTO IS JUST THAT "FACEBOOK" GUY WITH THE WHITE SILHOUETTE AGAINST A BLUE BACKGROUND.
I HATE THAT. IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WONDER WHAT THE PERSON REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
PIG?
BOB?
CHECK, PLEASE.

RATS "BEERNARD AMUSEMENT PARK"
HEY, DUDE, LET'S GO SEE THIS GREAT MOMENT WITH MR. WASHINGTON
YO, BRO, IS HE ONE OF THOSE MECHANICAL FIGURES LIKE LINCOLN?
YO, BRO, LIKE, NO.
DUDE, HE LOOKS ALMOST REAL.
POKE AND SEE.
POKE ME AND I KICK YOU IN THE OOOMP LOOMPAS.
GEORGE, GEORGE... ACT PRESIDENTIAL.

CHECK IT OUT, GOMER GOLDFISH. I GOT YOU SOME PLASTIC CORAL TO DECORATE YOUR FISH BOWL.
OH, WOW!...MAY I BORROW YOUR PHONE SO I CAN ASK MY PRIEST A QUESTION?
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO ASK?
IF I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
SARCASM MUST BE A GOLDFISH SPECIALTY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON AT A BAR
hey, george, you're really striking out with the ladies. why don't you -
hang on a sec... I want to leave a dollar for the bartender and -
and... whaddya know.. lookee whose face that is... must be quite the stud to have his face on the nation's currency.
women are so hard to impress.

HEY, STEPH, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY, GEORGE WASHINGTON.
GEORGE WASHINGTON? OH, GOODNESS. WHAT A TREMENDOUS HONOR.
YOU'RE THE LEAST TALENTED CARTOONIST I'VE EVER SEEN.
HE CANNOT TELL A LIE.
I SEE.
AND YOUR PUNS MAKE ME ILL.

HEY THERE, PIG. CHECK IT OUT... THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF COMICS, I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH GEORGE! I CANNOT TELL A LIE. WASHINGTON... WE'VE BEEN HITTING THE BARS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NICE TO MEET YOU, GEORGE.
YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE REAR.
NOT THAT WE...
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
DO NOT THROW MARTINIS ON THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY!

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PATTY... SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO COMMUNICATE VERY MUCH.
WHY IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE LIKES SILLY PUTTY. SO I TOLD HER TO FORM IT INTO WORDS IF SHE'D LIKE.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, BUT THEN SHE WANTED PRIVACY, SO SHE TOOK IT INTO THE BATHROOM AND THEN CAME BACK WITH VERY FEW WORDS.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
I KNOW. WOULD YOU MIND TRYING TO TALK TO HER?
SURE.
PATTY, YOU'RE SO PITHY WITH THE PUTTY IN THE POTTY, PATTY.
DID I MENTION SHE LIKES PUTT-PUTT GOLF?
STOP!
PLEASE, RAT, DON'T BE PATTY TO PITHY PATTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I’M A PROFESSIONAL BREAKER-UPPER. FOR A SMALL FEE, I HELP PEOPLE CUT TIES WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN A WAY THAT IS BOTH KIND AND SENSITIVE … HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
BYE-BYE, CHUMPY CHUMP.
WHAT A KIND AND SENSITIVE TEXT.
FOR EXTRA, I’LL THROW IN PROFANITY.

DID YOU HEAR THE AMAZING NEWS? MY NEIGHBORS, THE SMITHS, ARE EXPECTING.
EXPECTING WHAT?
A KID.
TO DO WHAT?
NEVER MIND.
DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, MAN!!

OUR NEW BIKER GANG NEIGHBOR IS SO NICE.
THE GUY WITH THE LOUD MOTORCYCLE?
YEAH, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE MAD ABOUT ALL THE NOISE AND HE OFFERED TO COME OVER AND HELP WITH SOME HOUSEHOLD CHORES.
WHAT'D HE OFFER TO DO?
CLEAN OUR CLOCKS.
THERE HE IS NOW. I'LL GET HIM SOME WINDEX.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YOU KNOW, RAT, MOST AMUSEMENT PARKS HAVE SOME SORT OF LIVE ENTERTAINMENT.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY WE'VE HIRED SOME ACROBATIC CLOWNS WHO CAN JUMP OFF A HIGH LEDGE.
OH, COOL. KINDA LIKE THOSE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL ONES WHO LAND ON THOSE HIDDEN TRAMPOLINES AND BOUNCE BACK UP?
BOUNCE BACK UP?
THIS IS DEGRADING.

YOU KNOW, RAT, THIS "BEERLAND" IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT BIZARRE RIDES AND INAPPROPRIATE ATTRACTIONS. WHAT IF SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO BRING THEIR FAMILY HERE?
WE DO HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.
OH. GOOD.
FILLED WITH BEER YOU CAN DRINK.
THAT CAN'T BE TO CODE.
YO... WHICH ENDS THE LIGHT BEER?
HEY, PAL. SWIM TRUNKS REQUIRED.

IT'S A WORLD OF HOPES
IT'S A WORLD OF FEARS
BUT TO HELL WITH YOU ALL
'CAUSE I GOT MY BEER
I THINK I PREFER DISNEY'S VERSION.
HEY LOOK... THE GERMAN KID'S BEATING UP THE FRENCH BOY FOR HIS WEISSBIER.