Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten... How you like sweem wid dolfeens...? Ees once een lifetime esperience.
GOSH, I'D LOVE TO.
HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA! GET HEEM! REEP HEES HED OFF!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
No idea.
Deranged.
ARRRGGH!
Want to swim on your back while we whistle Enya songs?
SURE.

Whuh you doing, Burt?
Me gonna sweem wid dallpheens. Spose be once een lifetime essperience.
Sweem!
Be happy.
ARRGHHH
CHOMP CHOMP
BITE BITE
AAHH BLEHH
Guess dat why it only once een lifetime essperience.
Yep.
Sweem!
Be happy.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, BOB. HE'S
A COBBLER.
A
COBBLER?
I'M SO
SORRY.
WHY ARE
YOU
SORRY?
I HAD A
COBBLER
FOR
DESSERT.
DIFFERENT
COBBLER.
HAVE SOME
BACON.
WE'LL BE
EVEN.

YO, DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAITING FOR MY FRIEND, MS. LYDIA. SHE’S BRINGING HER DOGS.
THOSE TINY LITTLE THINGS? THEN I’M LEAVING.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH TINY LITTLE DOGS?
THERE’S THAT.
FOOFY!

HEY THERE, GOAT...HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. I'M MEETING MY FRIEND, COACH BOB. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM.
OH. HE MUST LOVE THAT.
USUALLY. BUT RIGHT NOW, THE TEAM IS SCORING NO POINTS, AND HE'S TAKING A WHOLE LOT OF HEAT FOR THE LACK OF OFFENSE.
REALLY?
YEP. SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, DON'T BRING IT UP. DON'T EVEN HINT AT IT...OH, HERE HE IS NOW.
NICE TO MEET YOU, COACH BOB! LET ME BUY YOU A COFFEE. BUT DON'T GET THE FRENCH ROAST. IT TASTES TERRIBLE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOVE THEIR FRENCH ROAST.
OH. NO OFFENSE.
CRACK
HE TOOK OFFENSE.

HI, PIG. I GOT A NEW DOG.
PET HIM A LITTLE. BUT NOT TOO HARD.
OKAY.
RRRKING.
HELLO?
IS THIS PIG?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SOME LIGHT PETTING.
YOUR MOM'S IN A BAD MOOD.
SAYS.

REGARDING THE "PEARLS" MOVIE WE'RE MAKING, THE RAT HAS SOME DEMANDS... DEMAND NUMBER ONE: BEFORE EACH DAY'S SHOOT, YE SHALL KISS MY FEET AND CALL ME "GOLDEN ONE."
WE ARE NOT MAKING A MOVIE.
DEMAND NUMBER TWO: YE SHALL CEASE HAVING AN UGLY FACE.
I SEE YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH THAT ONE.

I'M TURNING "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" INTO A MOVIE. HERE'S THE SCRIPT.
'RAT KICKS PIG.'
BOOT
I'M BIG ON REHEARSALS.

I WOULD LIKE TO TURN OUR COMIC INTO A FULL-LENGTH FEATURE MOVE. HERE'S MY SCRIPT.
ALL IT SAYS IS "RAT KICKS PIG".
YES. THAT'S THE PLOT.
YOU GIVING PIG A KICK IS THE ENTIRE PLOT FOR A TWO-HOUR MOVIE?
NO, YOU IDIOT. I DO IT REPEATEDLY.
GET OUT BEFORE I KICK YOU REPEATEDLY.
YOU REALLY LACK VISION.

ANDY... DO YOU WANT ANY OF YOUR DAD'S THINGS? HIS TV GUIDE HAS SOME WRITING ON IT.
YEAH. HE LIKED TO DO THE CROSSWORD.
MAKES SENSE. HE HAD IT IN HIS HANDS WHEN HE DIED. MUST HAVE BEEN FINISHING A PUZZLE. YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT IT?
FINE. I'LL TAKE IT.
LOVE YOU TOO, KID.

NO NO NO
'DAD, LISTEN. WHEN I GOT YOU THAT CHRISTMAS HAT, IT WAS MY WAY OF SAYING--'
'DAD, LISTEN, I KNOW WE'VE HAD PROBLEMS, BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW SOMETHING. I LOVE--'
ARE YOU ANDY?
YES.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?

THIS BOOK ON THE AMISH. IT'S AN INTERESTING RELIGION.

HOW SO?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY HAVE THIS RITE OF PASSAGE CALLED 'RUMSPRINGA.'
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S THIS PERIOD OF ADOLESCENCE WHERE YOUNG PEOPLE LEAVE THE COMMUNITY AND SOW THEIR WILD OATS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
SOME OF THEM GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND EXPERIENCE DRINKING AND HOOKING UP AND DRIVING FAST CARS AND FLOUTING AUTHORITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT I'M AMISH!!
HE'S THE HOLIEST MAN EVER!
NO.
YOU CAN'T CALL THIS 'RITE OF PASSAGE' LAST MAY AND JUNE.

HEY, GOAT... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PART OF A BELL CALLED THE CLAPPER DOES?
IT RINGS A BELL.
THEN TAKE A GUESS.
IT RINGS A BELL.
SO GUESS.
IT... RINGS... A... BELL!!
YOU'RE A HARD GUY TO TALK TO.

LISTEN, PAL, I KNOW YOU GOT SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR DAD, BUT SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW IT IS WITH SONS AND FATHERS.
BUT I WANT TO BE CLOSE.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. MAYBE YOU'RE AS DIFFERENT AS TWO GUYS CAN BE. BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE HAS TO BE A WALL. AND YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT BEFORE ONE DAY YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I GOTTA MARCH IN THERE AND SAY IT.
NOT DURING "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," YOU DON'T!!
GOOD LUCK.
MIND IF I SAY IT TO YOUR FATHER?

YOU VISITING YOUR DAD?
YUP.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
YEAH. MY OLD MAN'S IN HERE, TOO. WE SPENT THE DAY LOOKING THROUGH OLD PHOTOS, PLAYING SCRABBLE, REMINISCING ABOUT WHEN HE TAUGHT ME TO THROW A FOOTBALL. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
HE TOLD ME TO PIPE DOWN DURING JEOPARDY!
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
I SEE.
HE LET ME TALK DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS.
WAITING ROOM

Dear son,
For the last three years, you have been too busy to have Christmas dinner at our house. Please come this year so your father and I can hear all the great stories you must have about being a fierce bear that chases down all the prey, you see!
Still busy.

DAD. I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN VERY TIGHT, SO I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A GIFT. I BOUGHT IT AT THAT NEW TARGET.
IS THAT THE STORE ON SECOND STREET?
WHERE YOU GO DOWN MAIN AND MAKE A LEFT?
I THINK YOU MAKE A RIGHT OFF OF MAIN. BUT THE POINT IS THAT I GOT YOU A PRESENT.
OH. I GET IT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. YOU MAKE A RIGHT IF YOU'RE COMING EAST ON MAIN
MAYBE I'LL WEAR IT MYSELF.
WAIT. ISN'T MAIN ONE-WAY?

LISTEN, DAD. I KNOW WE WERE NEVER CLOSE, BUT I -
HAND ME THE CLICKER, KID. I DON'T WANT TO WATCH NEWS. IT DRIVES ME NUTS. THE WHOLE WORLD IS NUTS NOW.
HERE, DAD... LISTEN... I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY AND TALK --
WHOA WHOA. LISTEN: IS "JEOPARDY" ON? I DON'T WANT TO MISS "JEOPARDY."
MAYBE CLOSENESS IS OVERRATED.
AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BUTTONS ON THIS THING? IT DRIVES ME NUTS. THE WHOLE WORLD IS NUTS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO SINGLE OUT SOMEONE BECAUSE OF THEIR NATIONALITY AND THEN TELL THEM YOU NO LONGER WANT THEM TO LIVE ?
OF COURSE IT IS, PIG. IT'S VERY RACIST. WHY ?
BECAUSE I SAW A MAN DOING THAT TO PEOPLE.
WHAT--?? THAT'S HORRIBLE... LEAD ME TO HIM RIGHT NOW.
PIG ?... YES ?
THIS GUY DIDN’T HAPPEN TO BE SELLING T-SHIRTS, DID HE ?
YEAH, HE WAS DOING THAT, TOO. LOOK...
TIE-DYE!!... TIE-DYE!!... TIE-DYE!!...
T-SHIRTS FOR SALE
SLOW IDEA WEEK?
SORTA.
BOOOOO! RACIST T-SHIRTS !! BOOOO!!

WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO RUN AWAY, ANDY? YOU'VE ALWAYS SEEMED SO HAPPY.
IT'S MY DAD. WE'VE NEVER BEEN SUPER CLOSE, AND NOW HE'S OLD AND HOSPITALIZED, AND I WANTED TO TAKE ONE LAST CHANCE AT IMPROVING THINGS BEFORE HE'S GONE.
AWWWW, HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO TOUCHED. WHAT DID HE SAY?
IS IT ME, OR ARE YOU NURSES GETTING UGLIER AND UGLIER?

ANDY! ANDY! WHAT'S GOING ON?
OHH, PIG. IT'S AWFUL. I ESCAPED AND NOW THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME AND THEY'RE OFFERING THIS BIG BIG REWARD FOR INFORMATION ABOUT ME AND
Beep Beep Boop Beep Boop Beep Beep
JUST ORDERING A PIZZA.

CHECK IT OUT... THE POLICE HELICOPTERS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR THAT GUY WHO ESCAPED.
YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE OFFERING A 50,000 REWARD FOR TIPS LEADING TO HIS CAPTURE.
I'M TURNING HIM IN FOR THE CASH.
ANDY!!

WHATCHA WATCHIN’?
POLICE CHASE. I GUESS SOMEONE ESCAPED FROM CAPTIVITY.
OOOH, HOW SCARY. WHO IS IT?
I DUNNO. BUT IT MUST BE SOMEONE PRETTY DESPERATE NOT TO RETURN TO WHERE THEY WERE.

AND I'M LIKE,
"YOU DID NOT
JUST UNFRIEND
ME, DID YOU?"
GIRL,
THAT IS
HELLA
WHACK.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. SO
I'M LIKE --
DON'T MIND ME.

I SOLVED THE ENERGY CRISIS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR A RENEWABLE SOURCE OF ENERGY THAT IS CHEAP, DEPENDABLE, AND IN ABUNDANT SUPPLY.
SO?
SO HARNESS STUPIDITY.
LOOK, EVERYTHING HE SAYS TURNS THE LITTLE WINDMILL...
IT'S MOVING! IT'S MOVING!