Pearls Before Swine | Search

I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, IS MOVING IN WITH US.

HIS WIFE THREW HIM OUT OF HIS HOUSE, SO HE HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. BUT DON'T WORRY. IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.

HOWDY, GUYS.

WE CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN WE GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THIS HOUSE.

WHY? I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

IT'S TRUE. HE DOESN'T.

OUR CREATOR, STEPHAN PASTIS, HAS BEEN THROWN OUT OF HIS HOUSE BY HIS WIFE, STACI.
OH, NO... WHAT'S HE GONNA DO? WHERE'S HE GONNA LIVE?
MOVE OVER.
NOT HAPPENING.

WE GOTTA FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET OFF THIS STUPID ICEBERG.
YEAH, BUT WHAT'S OUR TICKET OUT?
UNDERWEAR MODELING.
YOU MAKE DEATH BY POLAR BEAR LOOK APPEALING.

DO YOU THINK HUMILITY IS IMPORTANT?
OH, YES.
ESPECIALLY FOR PEOPLE WITH TINY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
PERHAPS YOU'VE MISSED THE POINT.
I'VE EARNED MY ARROGANCE!!

GOOD NEWS, CLINT... I KNOW THIS VIGILANTE BUSINESS HAS BEEN HARD ON OUR PERSONAL FINANCES, SO I WENT OUT AND GOT A JOB IN RETAIL.
GOOD FOR YOU, CHARLIE. WHAT STORE?
TARGET.
YOU SHOULD GET A NEW JOB, CHARLIE.

LOOK, RAT, IT'S THE VIGILANTE DEER.
WHO ARE THEY?
THEY'RE A GROUP OF DEER WHO ARE TIRED OF BEING HUNTED FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF HUMANS, SO THEY'RE SEEKING OUT HUNTERS AND GETTING REVENGE.
WHOA... WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HERE COMES A HUNTER NOW.
PSSST... YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.
THAT WAS CRUEL.
NO WONDER WE HUNT THEM.

LOOK AT THAT CRYING BABY. THAT IS SO ANNOYING.
YEAH. AND LOOK HOW IT AUTOMATICALLY ATTRACTS THE ATTENTION OF ALL THOSE WOMEN SITTING AROUND HIM.
WAHHHH
NICE TRY.
HEY! HOLD ME AGAINST YOUR BOSOM.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. WE’RE THE VIGILANTE DEER. WE’RE TIRED OF BEING SHOT BY HUNTERS, SO WE’RE TRYING TO FIND THEM AND GET OUR REVENGE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU FIND THEM.?
REBUKE THEM SHARPLY.
VIGILANTE DEER HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THINKING ABOUT JUMPING OFF THIS PIER, BUT I'M AFRAID.
C'MON, YOU BIG SISSY, DO IT.
I HATE PIER PRESSURE.

WILL YOU CROCS PLEASE STOP WALKING INTO MY SLIDING GLASS DOOR? IT'S NOT OPEN. THERE'S GLASS THERE.
Oh, peese. Whuh make you say any croc run into anything?
He born dat way.

OH NO, RAT, LOOK... WHATEVER LITTLE CREATURE HAS BEEN GETTING INTO OUR GARBAGE CANS IS NOW GETTING INTO OUR KITCHEN AT NIGHT.
HOW IS IT GETTING IN HERE WITHOUT US HEARING IT?
I TIPTOE A LOT.

I THINK WE HAVE TO START TYING DOWN OUR GARBAGE LIDS AT NIGHT.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOME ANIMAL GOING THROUGH OUR TRASH AGAIN.
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? DOGS? CATS? RACCOONS?
NO ONE EVER SUSPECTS ELEPHANTS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AROUND YOUR NECK, RAT?
BRAIN ALERT. IT'S MY NEW LINE OF PRODUCTS FOR OLD PEOPLE.
AN OLD PERSON IS TELLING A STORY WHEN SUDDENLY, HE CAN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED LONG AGO...
AND THE PERSON BELOW REPLIES...
PRESIDENT... OH C'MON... PEANUT GUY... PEANUT GUY...
ON THE VERGE OF APPARAIN LIKE AN OLD FOOL, HE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PEN AROUND HIS NECK!
I'VE FIGURED OUT MY PROBLEM BUT CAN'T GET UP!
THE "BRAIN ALERT" TEAM SWOOPS IN
JAMES EARL CARTER, SIR!
THE "BRAIN ALERT" TEAM WILL EVEN HELP OUT WITH PERSONAL MATTERS.
MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS...
...CLICK THE BACK OF THE PEN...
BILLY.
WE'RE EVEN THINKING OF EXPANDING OUR SERVICE TO YOUNGER FOLK, ALTHOUGH THE TEST-MARKETING ON THAT HAS NOT GONE WELL...
SURE HAS BEEN NICE TO MEET YOU.
CLICK CLICK GINA
WHO THE F@#&'S GINA?!

HEY, RAT... I'M GONNA GO SEE A FOREST OF GIANT REDWOODS... WANT TO COME ALONG?
NO.
WHY NOT?
I REFUSE TO SPEND TIME WITH ANYTHING THAT WILL OUTLIVE ME.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
AH, PRECIOUS MILK. YOUR EXPIRATION DATE BECKONS.

NEIL GOAT, I'VE GOT TO GO. I'M GETTING MY PERSON PET NEUTERED.
GEE. HE SEEMS TO BE TAKING IT REALLY WELL. DID YOU EXPLAIN WHAT THE PROCEDURE IS...?
I TOLD HIM IT'S LIKE GETTING A BEER. ONLY WORSE.
THAT'S SLIGHTLY MISLEADING.
AND YOU'LL COME HOME LIGHTER!

HEY, RAT... WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT PERSON YOU AND PIG GOT AS A PET A COUPLE YEARS AGO?
HE HAD A LITTER.
ALWAYS SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS.

GOOD NEWS ABOUT MY MAP OF STUPID PEOPLE.
THE MAP WHERE YOU PUT ONE BLACK DOT FOR EACH STUPID PERSON AND ENDED UP WITH A MAP THAT WAS SOLID BLACK?
YES... AMIDST THIS SEA OF DARKNESS THERE IS FINALLY ONE BRIGHT SHINING SPOT OF HOPE. IT'S RIGHT THERE.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL. WHAT IS IT?
IT'S WHERE I'M STANDING.
CHECK PLEASE.
YOU'RE THE WORLD'S ONLY HOPE!

RAT'S MAKING A MAP OF WHERE ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE ARE. HE'S PUTTING ONE BLACK DOT FOR EACH STUPID PERSON.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
SOLID BLACKAGE.
HOH NICE.
IT'S A SAD DAY WHEN STUPIDITY BLOTS OUT ALL THE WORLD'S MOUNTAINS AND STREAMS.

WHATCHA DOING, RAT?
I'VE BECOME A CARTOGRAPHER. I MAKE MAPS.
WHAT ARE ALL THOSE LITTLE DOTS?
WHERE ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE ARE.
THAT'S A LOT OF DOTS.
I'M ALMOST OUT OF PENS.

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?
YEAH. I JUST LOOKED AT MY BILL AND SAW AN EXTRA $20 PER DAY CHARGE.
YES. THAT'S CALLED A RESORT FEE.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S AN EXTRA CHARGE FOR USE OF THE POOL, FITNESS CENTER, AND INTERNET.
THAT DOESN'T COME WITH THE ROOM?
NO.
I SEE.
ANGER FEE. IT COMES WITH MY STAY.
SECURITY.
WANT TO SEE MY "BLATANT RIP-OFF FEE"?

YOU AGAIN?
SIR, THIS TIME I HAVE AN ACTUAL DISABILITY
THAT PREVENTS ME FROM WORKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WHAT'S THAT?
I CAN'T STAND IDIOTS.
OH, THAT I COULD STAY HOME FOR THAT.
JUST PAY ME 'TIL THEY GO AWAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR CREATOR STEPHAN LATELY?
NO. WHY?
I WONDER IF HE’S EMBARRASSED THAT HIS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM, THE CAL BEARS, FINISHED WITH THEIR WORST RECORD IN SCHOOL HISTORY.
OH, PLEASE, PIG. YOU REALLY THINK A GROWN ADULT CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT A SILLY GAME?

RAT APPLIES FOR DISABILITY
I'M DISABLED. GIVE ME MONEY.
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR. I'VE BROKEN MY FLATUA.
SIR, THAT'S NOT EVEN A BONE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DOCTOR JUST COMBINED THE WORDS "FLATULENCE AND SCAPULA".
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
PARDON ME WHILE I GIVE MY DOCTOR A DISABILITY.
NEXT!

DID YOU KNOW THAT EVER SINCE THE WELFARE REFORMS OF THE 1990s, THERE'S BEEN A MASSIVE INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GETTING DISABILITY?
IN FACT, IN SOME COUNTIES, AS MANY AS ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR PEOPLE ARE ON DISABILITY. THAT'S 25% OF THE POPULATION CLAIMING THEY CAN'T WORK AND THUS NEED CHECKS FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU HAD ME AT MASSIVE.

HEY, GUYS, SINCE YOU'RE STILL PLAYING POKER, I WAS WONDERING IF MY FRIEND, BOB, CAN PLAY. HE'S GAY.
SO?
SO EVEN IF HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, HE CAN'T GET A STRAIGHT FLUSH.
MY, I HATE THIS COMIC STRIP.
OH, AND IF YOU DO GO, KNOCK. THE QUEEN MIGHT BE ROYALLY FLUSHING IN THERE.