Pearls Before Swine | Search

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR CREATOR STEPHAN LATELY?
NO. WHY?
I WONDER IF HE’S EMBARRASSED THAT HIS COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM, THE CAL BEARS, FINISHED WITH THEIR WORST RECORD IN SCHOOL HISTORY.
OH, PLEASE, PIG. YOU REALLY THINK A GROWN ADULT CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT A SILLY GAME?

RAT APPLIES FOR DISABILITY
I'M DISABLED. GIVE ME MONEY.
WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?
I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR. I'VE BROKEN MY FLATUA.
SIR, THAT'S NOT EVEN A BONE. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DOCTOR JUST COMBINED THE WORDS "FLATULENCE AND SCAPULA".
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
PARDON ME WHILE I GIVE MY DOCTOR A DISABILITY.
NEXT!

DID YOU KNOW THAT EVER SINCE THE WELFARE REFORMS OF THE 1990s, THERE'S BEEN A MASSIVE INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GETTING DISABILITY?
IN FACT, IN SOME COUNTIES, AS MANY AS ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR PEOPLE ARE ON DISABILITY. THAT'S 25% OF THE POPULATION CLAIMING THEY CAN'T WORK AND THUS NEED CHECKS FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU HAD ME AT MASSIVE.

HEY, GUYS, SINCE YOU'RE STILL PLAYING POKER, I WAS WONDERING IF MY FRIEND, BOB, CAN PLAY. HE'S GAY.
SO?
SO EVEN IF HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, HE CAN'T GET A STRAIGHT FLUSH.
MY, I HATE THIS COMIC STRIP.
OH, AND IF YOU DO GO, KNOCK. THE QUEEN MIGHT BE ROYALLY FLUSHING IN THERE.

HEY THERE, PIG.
WANT TO PLAY
POKER WITH
US?
I'M NOT SURE
I KNOW HOW.
OKAY, WELL... DO
YOU KNOW WHAT
A ROYAL FLUSH
IS?
IS IT WHEN
QUEEN ELIZABETH
GOES TO THE
POTTY?
NO.
DEAL
HIM
IN.
DO WE
CURTSEY
WHEN SHE
RETURNS?

WHY ARE YOU MOVING OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, GOAT?
FOR A TEACHING JOB.
WHY CAN’T YOU TEACH CLOSER TO HOME?
ALL THE SCHOOLS HERE ARE TOO CONSUMED WITH CONSTANTLY TESTING KIDS. IT GETS IN THE WAY OF THEIR EDUCATION.
I SEE… WELL, CAN I HELP YOU MOVE ANYTHING?
SURE, YOU CAN TAKE THIS BOX TO THE TRUCK.
WHAT’S IN IT?
I DRINK A LOT OF CHAI TEA. AND THESE THINGS LET ME HOLD THE CUP WITHOUT BURNING MY FINGERS.
AND YOU NEED TO TAKE ALL OF THEM?
OF COURSE. HOW ELSE CAN I HOLD MY TEA?
SO NO CHAI HOLD LEFT BEHIND?

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE AN ELITIST?
OF COURSE NOT.
I'M A MAN OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
THAT'S NOT HOW THAT EXPRESSION GOES.
OH. WHAT'S THE P.C. TERM FOR "COMMONERS?"

WE HAVE A NEW NEIGHBOR THAT'S COMPLAINING TO THE CITY ABOUT OUR MESSY FRONT YARD RUINING HIS WALKS THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD. BUT THE GUY DOESN'T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.
SO HE HAS A WEAK ARGUMENT?
YOU DON'T LISTEN VERY WELL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS? LOVE? BALANCE? ACHIEVEMENT?
HAPPINESS IS BEING AT LEAST AN EXPENSIVE PLANE TICKET AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY.
BAD HOLIDAY?
THEY JUST LIVE TOO &%*$@ CLOSE.

SEE YA, RAT... I'M OFF TO SPEND TIME WITH MY L'IL BOOKY.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD TO BE ADDING CUTESY Y'S TO WORDS LIKE "BOOK"?
YOU DID IT THE OTHER DAY.
WHAT'D I SAY?
THAT YOU WERE UPSET ABOUT YOUR BOOKY.
BOOKIE.
SEE? YOU DID IT AGAIN.

LOOK, RAT, IT'S AUSTRALIAN SANTA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, AUSSIE SANTA?
I CAN'T FIND MY &%$#@* REINDEER.
OH, NO, AUSTRALIAN SANTA... HOW WILL YOU DELIVER YOUR TOYS?
AHH, HECK, I'LL JUST STAND ON THE PORCH AND THROW THEM AT PEOPLE...
THAT DOESN'T SEEM SAFE.
HEY, YOU, HAVE A TRAIN.
OW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA TAKES PLACE IN THE SUMMER?
SUMMER? SANTA CAN'T WEAR HIS BIG RED SUIT IN THE SUMMER. HOW WOULD HE DRESS?
HO HO *URP*
WELL, THERE'S AN IMAGE I DIDN'T NEED IN MY HEAD.
FAT MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR TIGHTY-WHITIES.

Hello. And welcome to First National Savings’ automated teller system.
If your question is about your account balance, please say ‘balance.’ If you’d like to make a transfer, please say ‘transfer’. Or if you’d like to speak to a representative, please say ‘representative.’
DONKEY DUNG.
I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that.
THE DUNG OF DONKEYS.
I’m sorry. I still didn’t catch that. Please stay on the line for a representative.
FIRST NATIONAL SAVINGS. CAN I HAVE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER?
HOOOOO OOOONK
It’s the little things that get me through life.

IS IT TRUE THAT WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAMS TOTALLY REMOVE PEOPLE FROM THEIR SURROUNDINGS AND MAKE THEM LIVE WITH ALL NEW FAMILIES AND FRIENDS?
YEAH. WHY?
I'M THINKING ABOUT VOLUNTEERING.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
G***G.
KNOW A MOBSTER I CAN TESTIFY AGAINST?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FRED?
PLAYING POLKA. THEY SAY THAT MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST.
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO LIKE POLKA.

I CAN’T BELIEVE CALVIN IS SEWING T-SHIRTS AND HOBBES IS WORKING FOR FOX NEWS. NOW I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO MOE THE BULLY.
MOE? MOE’S LIFE TOOK QUITE A TURN..
OH, I CAN IMAGINE. DRUGS? GANGS? PRISON?
Have you heard the good news?

SO IF CALVIN'S SELLING BOOTLEG MERCHANDISE THESE DAYS, WHAT IS HIS TIGER HOBBES DOING?
THAT OLD HUMANIST LEFTY? HE's DOING THE SAME THING ALL YOU LEFTIES DO WHEN THEY GROW UP. BECOME MORE CONSERVATIVE.
HOBBES BECAME A RIGHT-WINGER?
YOU DON'T WATCH T.V.?
WE GO NOW TO OUR CORRESPONDENT IN WASHINGTON.
GOOD EVENING, SEAN. PRESIDENT OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER CALVIN IS NOW 24 YEARS OLD AND SELLING BOOTLEG 'CALVIN AND HOBBES' MERCHANDISE BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
WELL, TIME MOVES ON... PEOPLE CHANGE... CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE.
YEAH, BUT SURELY THERE MUST BE SOME PART OF BELOVED OLD COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS THAT REMAINS THE SAME.
STUPID CLOTHES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK CALVIN FROM "CALVIN AND HOBBES" IS DOING THESE DAYS?
WELL, HE WAS 6 IN 1995, SO HE'D BE AROUND 24 NOW. AND MOST PEOPLE THAT AGE ARE STRUGGLING TO FIND WORK.
SO DO YOU THINK HE'S LOOKING FOR A JOB?
OF COURSE. HOW ELSE COULD HE SUPPORT HIMSELF?

CHECK IT OUT. I GOT A JOB WRITING THE JUMBLE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
I LOVE THE JUMBLE! CAN I SEE ONE?
I'm afraid it's just not there.
That can't be.
The doctor says Pastis is missing this bone.
GUESS WHAT ELSE THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'RE MISSING.
ENOUGH.

OKAY, GUYS. TIME TO JUMP OFF THE CLIFF AND DIE. ANYONE HAVE ANY PROFOUND LAST WORDS?
I ONLY REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO LOSE FOR MY COUNTRY.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. FRED. YOU PLAGIARIZED THAT FROM NATHAN HALE. AT LEAST COME UP WITH YOUR OWN PROFOUND QUOTE.
ME GONNA GO BOOM.
WE SHOULDA LET HIM PLAGIARIZE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND BERNIE BROKE OUT OF THE REHAB CLINIC AND CAN'T BE FOUND, SO I'M PUTTING UP POSTERS ALL AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?
I'M GETTING A LOT OF FALSE LEADS.

HEY, RAT... I HEARD YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND NAMED BERNIE. THAT SOUNDS SO CUTE. IS THAT HIM IN THE SEAT NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
OH... SO WHERE IS THE L'IL GUY?
IN REHAB FOR A DRUG ADDICTION.
WHY IS EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOU DISTURBING?
HEY... AT LEAST HE'S GETTING HELP.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY IMAGINARY FRIEND, BERNIE.
AWW, AN IMAGINARY FRIEND... I THINK THAT'S GREAT, RAT. IMAGINARY FRIENDS ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL, CHILDLIKE THING.
BERNIE HAS A DRUG ADDICTION.
AND THERE GOES THE WONDERFUL.
CAREFUL. HE'LL STAB YOU FOR YOUR WALLET.

HAVE YOU NOTICED A BAD SMELL IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD LATELY?

YEAH. I NOTIFIED THE CITY. THEY SAID THEY'RE TAKING CARE OF IT.

HEY... WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? THIS IS VERY INSULTING.

PENGUINS REALLY DO STINK.

BRING BACK OREOS!