Pearls Before Swine | Search

LOOK, RAT, IT'S AUSTRALIAN SANTA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, AUSSIE SANTA?
I CAN'T FIND MY &%$#@* REINDEER.
OH, NO, AUSTRALIAN SANTA... HOW WILL YOU DELIVER YOUR TOYS?
AHH, HECK, I'LL JUST STAND ON THE PORCH AND THROW THEM AT PEOPLE...
THAT DOESN'T SEEM SAFE.
HEY, YOU, HAVE A TRAIN.
OW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA TAKES PLACE IN THE SUMMER?
SUMMER? SANTA CAN'T WEAR HIS BIG RED SUIT IN THE SUMMER. HOW WOULD HE DRESS?
HO HO *URP*
WELL, THERE'S AN IMAGE I DIDN'T NEED IN MY HEAD.
FAT MEN SHOULDN'T WEAR TIGHTY-WHITIES.

Hello. And welcome to First National Savings’ automated teller system.
If your question is about your account balance, please say ‘balance.’ If you’d like to make a transfer, please say ‘transfer’. Or if you’d like to speak to a representative, please say ‘representative.’
DONKEY DUNG.
I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that.
THE DUNG OF DONKEYS.
I’m sorry. I still didn’t catch that. Please stay on the line for a representative.
FIRST NATIONAL SAVINGS. CAN I HAVE YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER?
HOOOOO OOOONK
It’s the little things that get me through life.

IS IT TRUE THAT WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAMS TOTALLY REMOVE PEOPLE FROM THEIR SURROUNDINGS AND MAKE THEM LIVE WITH ALL NEW FAMILIES AND FRIENDS?
YEAH. WHY?
I'M THINKING ABOUT VOLUNTEERING.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
G***G.
KNOW A MOBSTER I CAN TESTIFY AGAINST?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FRED?
PLAYING POLKA. THEY SAY THAT MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST.
IT'S JUST SO HARD TO LIKE POLKA.

I CAN’T BELIEVE CALVIN IS SEWING T-SHIRTS AND HOBBES IS WORKING FOR FOX NEWS. NOW I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO MOE THE BULLY.
MOE? MOE’S LIFE TOOK QUITE A TURN..
OH, I CAN IMAGINE. DRUGS? GANGS? PRISON?
Have you heard the good news?

SO IF CALVIN'S SELLING BOOTLEG MERCHANDISE THESE DAYS, WHAT IS HIS TIGER HOBBES DOING?
THAT OLD HUMANIST LEFTY? HE's DOING THE SAME THING ALL YOU LEFTIES DO WHEN THEY GROW UP. BECOME MORE CONSERVATIVE.
HOBBES BECAME A RIGHT-WINGER?
YOU DON'T WATCH T.V.?
WE GO NOW TO OUR CORRESPONDENT IN WASHINGTON.
GOOD EVENING, SEAN. PRESIDENT OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER CALVIN IS NOW 24 YEARS OLD AND SELLING BOOTLEG 'CALVIN AND HOBBES' MERCHANDISE BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
WELL, TIME MOVES ON... PEOPLE CHANGE... CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE.
YEAH, BUT SURELY THERE MUST BE SOME PART OF BELOVED OLD COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS THAT REMAINS THE SAME.
STUPID CLOTHES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK CALVIN FROM "CALVIN AND HOBBES" IS DOING THESE DAYS?
WELL, HE WAS 6 IN 1995, SO HE'D BE AROUND 24 NOW. AND MOST PEOPLE THAT AGE ARE STRUGGLING TO FIND WORK.
SO DO YOU THINK HE'S LOOKING FOR A JOB?
OF COURSE. HOW ELSE COULD HE SUPPORT HIMSELF?

CHECK IT OUT. I GOT A JOB WRITING THE JUMBLE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
I LOVE THE JUMBLE! CAN I SEE ONE?
I'm afraid it's just not there.
That can't be.
The doctor says Pastis is missing this bone.
GUESS WHAT ELSE THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'RE MISSING.
ENOUGH.

OKAY, GUYS. TIME TO JUMP OFF THE CLIFF AND DIE. ANYONE HAVE ANY PROFOUND LAST WORDS?
I ONLY REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT ONE LIFE TO LOSE FOR MY COUNTRY.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. FRED. YOU PLAGIARIZED THAT FROM NATHAN HALE. AT LEAST COME UP WITH YOUR OWN PROFOUND QUOTE.
ME GONNA GO BOOM.
WE SHOULDA LET HIM PLAGIARIZE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY IMAGINARY FRIEND BERNIE BROKE OUT OF THE REHAB CLINIC AND CAN'T BE FOUND, SO I'M PUTTING UP POSTERS ALL AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PERSON?
I'M GETTING A LOT OF FALSE LEADS.

HEY, RAT... I HEARD YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND NAMED BERNIE. THAT SOUNDS SO CUTE. IS THAT HIM IN THE SEAT NEXT TO YOU?
NO.
OH... SO WHERE IS THE L'IL GUY?
IN REHAB FOR A DRUG ADDICTION.
WHY IS EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOU DISTURBING?
HEY... AT LEAST HE'S GETTING HELP.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY IMAGINARY FRIEND, BERNIE.
AWW, AN IMAGINARY FRIEND... I THINK THAT'S GREAT, RAT. IMAGINARY FRIENDS ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL, CHILDLIKE THING.
BERNIE HAS A DRUG ADDICTION.
AND THERE GOES THE WONDERFUL.
CAREFUL. HE'LL STAB YOU FOR YOUR WALLET.

HAVE YOU NOTICED A BAD SMELL IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD LATELY?

YEAH. I NOTIFIED THE CITY. THEY SAID THEY'RE TAKING CARE OF IT.

HEY... WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA? THIS IS VERY INSULTING.

PENGUINS REALLY DO STINK.

BRING BACK OREOS!

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FINGER, RAT?
A PURITY RING.
WOW. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT SIGNIFIES?
YES. THAT I WILL REFRAIN FROM DRINKING ANYTHING BUT THE PUREST VODKA.
COMPLAINT LETTERS!
RAT!

HEY, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOAT SAID YOU GOT AN OFFICE JOB. I TOLD HIM I'D MAKE A DESK FOR MYSELF.
IT'S TRUE! I GO TO MEETINGS, READ REPORTS, WRITE MEMOS...
...BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANY OF THAT STUFF.
NO. BUT I CAN LEARN.
LEARN?! THESE CORPORATE TYPES WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THE FIRST TIME SOME BOSS COMES IN HERE TO CHEW YOUR HEAD OFF ABOUT SOME STUPID MEMO?
I'VE GOT A TIME-TO-DUCK HOLE.
YOU'RE GONNA DUCK?
WE'RE GONNA TELL HIM TO WRITE HIS OWN @#%$@#% MEMO.
EVERYONE NEEDS A TIME-TO-DUCK HOLE.
CAN YOU DRAW ME A DONUT?

GOAT! GOAT! I WON FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THE LOTTERY!
WOW, PIG. THAT'S TERRIFIC. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE MONEY?
RAT SAID IT WOULD BE A REAL STATUS SYMBOL IF WE BUILT AN ELEVATOR IN OUR HOUSE.
YOU HAVE A ONE-STORY HOUSE.
STATUS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL, PIGITA, HERE WE ARE BACK AT YOUR HOUSE. THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT.
SHOOT, I FORGOT MY KEYS.
WANT ME TO KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR?
NO. MY MOTHER JUST HAD THE FRONT DOOR PAINTED.
CAN I GRAB YOUR KNOCKER?
AND THAT'S THE LAST THING I REMEMBER.

ARE YOU A GLASS-HALF-EMPTY OR GLASS-HALF-FULL KIND OF GUY?
THE GLASS IS HALF FULL.
OH, GOOD.
BUT THEN THE MOMENT YOU TURN YOUR BACK, SOMEONE WILL STEAL THE WHOLE &%?#@ GLASS.
YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE CYNICAL.
THIRSTY LITTLE THIEVES.

WHAT ARE YOU READIN' STEPH?
THIS BOOK ON CHIMPANZEES. AS A HUMAN, THEY'RE MY CLOSEST RELATIVES.
MINE IS MY AUNT TODDY. SHE LIVES AROUND THE BLOCK.
LET'S START OVER.
DO YOURS BUY YOU UGLY PANTS FOR CHRISTMAS, TOO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
LONG NIGHT. BOOZE. BROADS. BRAWLING. SO CUT THE YAPPING.
GOOD MORNIN' MORNIN' MORNIN'
FROM YOUR PEPPY PEPPY PENGUINS
WE HOPE THAT YOU'RE ENJOYIN'
THIS MESSAGE THAT WE'RE SENDIN'
SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T MORNING PEOPLE.

HI! WE'RE YOUR PERKY PENGUIN MORNING GREETERS! WE START YOUR DAY RIGHT BY GREETING YOU WITH A HEARTY SMILE, A FIRM HANDSHAKE, AND A SONG IN OUR HEART!
YOU EVER RING THIS DOORBELL BEFORE EIGHT A.M. AGAIN AND I'LL FEED YOU FAT OAFS TO A SEA LION.
GLAD WE DIDN'T PLAY THE BANJO.

HEY, NANA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY UNCLE JERRY.

AH, THE UNCLE WITH THE MODEL TRAIN COLLECTION.
THAT'S UNCLE GREG.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID UNCLE GREG WAS THAT GUY YOU DON'T TALK TO ABOUT POLITICS.
THAT'S UNCLE BOB.
THEN WHO'S THE ONE WHO DRESSES LIKE SANTA AND ALWAYS JINGLES HIS KEYS?
THAT'S UNCLE MARK.
ISN'T HE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES YOU LISTEN TO TV AT TOP VOLUME?
THAT'S UNCLE DAN.
THEN WHO'S THE GRUMPY GUY NOBODY LIKES?
HE REALLY IS GRUMPY.

WHATCHA READIN’, GOAT?
THIS EDITORIAL ON THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE. THE GOVERNMENT IS HAVING THIS BIG DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER TO PUT BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
DOESN’T SEEM THAT CONTROVERSIAL.