Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOUR FOOD, SIR.
EEESH, WHAT IS THAT?
FISH. IT'S WHAT YOU ORDERED.
BUT WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S A FISH. WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO LOOK LIKE A COW?
NO, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE IF IT LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING THAT WASN'T ALIVE.
SIR, WE'RE A THREE-STAR MICHELIN-RATED RESTAURANT. THAT'S HOW FISH IS SERVED.
NO, NO, PLEASE... JUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE FOOD. YOU KNOW... NOT SOME THING THAT COMES FROM NEMO-LAND AND MAGICALLY APPEARS ON MY PLATE.
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GIMME A SECOND.
THANKS.
WWWHHHYYYYOOOOO KIIIIILLLLL MEEEEEEE?
WHHHYY YOOOUUU?
AAAHHHHHHH!
THAT PROBABLY WASN'T CONSISTENT WITH FOOD-HANDLING STANDARDS.
GIMME THAT. I THINK I WANT TO CHASE HIM HOME.

WHERE WERE YOU, PIG?
THE APPLE STORE. GOT SOME GREAT STUFF.
NO KIDDING...WHAT'D YOU GET? THE NEW iPHONE? MACBOOK PRO? iPAD MINI?
I'M FROM A SIMPLER AGE.

YOUR NEW "BEERLAND" AMUSEMENT PARK HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT - WE'VE GOT "GREAT MOMENTS WITH MISTER UNICORN."
YO, SWEETIE... IS THAT YOUR REAR END OR ARE YOU SMUGGLING GUNS TO THE REBELS?
HE IS SO BAD AT PICKING UP WOMEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE BUILT AN ENTIRE AMUSEMENT PARK DEDICATED TO BEER. YOU KNOW, KIDS COME TO THESE PARKS. WHAT HERE COULD POSSIBLY APPEAL TO THEM?
SLEEPING DRUNK GUY'S CASTLE?
WONDERFUL.
SHHHHH... HE GETS VIOLENT WHEN YOU WAKE HIM.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
BUILDING AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
AN AMUSEMENT PARK?? WHAT KIND?
ONE THAT HE SAYS PEOPLE OF ALL AGES CAN ENJOY.
WELCOME.

I GOT A JOB MAKING TRAFFIC SIGNS.
OH, YEAH? WHY'D YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE THE SIGNS WE HAVE NOW ARE TOO STRICT. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT.
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
DO WHAT YOU FEEL
LET'S SEE COPS ENFORCE THAT ONE.

I DON'T LIKE THE FAMILY IN THE COMIC STRIP "HI AND LOIS". I WANT TO BEAT ONE OF THEM UP.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BEAT UP?
I WANT TO GET THE DAD.
YOU WANT TO GET HI?
HEY! WHAT THE???
I AM SO DARN CLEVER.

I'M STEPHAN. MY WIFE STACI THREW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WON'T I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HOME. SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES THE BENEFITS OF LIVING WITH A SYNDICATED CARTOONIST.
LIKE THE FACT THAT WE SIT ALONE IN OUR ROOMS ALL DAY.
AND ARE OUT-OF-SHAPE AND DRESS FUNNY.
AND PLAY VIDEOS GAMES AND SMELL.
AND ONLY INTERACT WHEN WE WANT TO TEST OUT A NEW JOKE.
AND IF ALL THAT DOESN'T INTRIGUE YOU, I PROMISE TO BE MOODY, FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY SOCIAL EVENT YOU DRAG ME TO.
SO PLEASE. ADOPT ME.
I AM NOT UP FOR ADOPTION.
OH, AND I GET CRANKY WHEN YOU LOCK ME OUT OF MY STUDIO.
YOU DON'T SMELL THAT BAD.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD EXPRESS MY POLITICAL OPINION MORE OFTEN, BUT I JUST CAN’T.
MAN UP!
GEE, PIG… THAT’S A LITTLE RUDE… I’M JUST SAYING I’M HESITANT TO—
SMACK
I CAN’T WARN YOU ABOUT FALLING PEOPLE IF YOU WON’T LISTEN.

HEY, PIG, HAVE YOU SEEN RAT?
HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN YOUR DRAWING STUDIO. I THINK HE'S UPSET ABOUT YOU OFFERING HIM UP FOR ADOPTION IN YOUR "SHELTER STORIES" STRIPS.
AND YOU LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO MY STUDIO?!
YEAH. WHAT COULD HE DO?
SHELTER STORIES
"STEPHAN"
HI. I TELL STUPID PUNS AND PICK MY NOSE.

SHELTER STORIES
I AM A RAT WHO LOVES PEOPLE AND JUST WANTS A PAL.
I AM WARM AND CUDDLY, TOO!
OH, WHAT UTTER GARBAGE.
HEY, YOU TRY MAKING THE GUY SOUND APPEALING.
HEY, PAL, HAVE A LITTLE "CUDDLY."

I THINK IT'S SO GREAT HOW PATRICK MCDONNELL, CREATOR OF THE COMIC STRIP 'MUTTS', HAS "SHELTER STORIES" WEEK.
WHAT'S THAT?
HE HIGHLIGHTS STORIES OF CATS AND DOGS IN SHELTERS IN HOPES OF GIVING THEM A NEW HOME.
HOW KIND... I SHOULD CALL PATRICK AND COMMEND HIM FOR--
CAN YOU HELP ME GIVE AWAY A RODENT?
I HEARD THAT!
WELL, NO, HE'S NOT A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY.
TELL HIM WE'LL THROW IN CASH!

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST BRITISH COPS DON'T CARRY GUNS?
THEN HOW DO THEY STOP SOMEONE WHO'S GOT A GUN AND IS THREATENING TO KILL PEOPLE?
PINCHING AND TICKLING.
NO.
TICKLING IS MEAN.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY THREATEN TO CALL THEIR MUM.

HEY, GUYS! GUESS WHAT I JUST LEARNED! MASS SUICIDE BY LEMMINGS IS A MYTH! SOMETHING PERPETUATED BY A 1958 DISNEY DOCUMENTARY! SO WE DON'T HAVE TO JUMP! DID YOU HEAR THAT, BOYS? WE DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!
HE HAD HIS iPOD ON.

MY BUILDING SUPERINTENDENT IS VISITING ME TODAY. HE'S THAT GUY ECCENTRIC GUY FROM CALIFORNIA WHO WALKS AROUND WITH A FEMALE DEER.
IS HE THE GUY YOU CALL “GAILS”?
YEAH. AND IT’S ALWAYS SCARY WHEN THE SUPER WANTS TO VISIT. I FEAR HE’LL RAISE MY RENT.
HELLO, GOAT.
OH, HELLO, GAIC.
BAD NEWS, GOAT. YOUR APARTMENT IS JUST TOO EXPENSIVE TO REPAIR. THE FRAME THING IS FALLING APART, SO I’M GONNA HAVE TO PUT IT FOR SALE, AND YOU’LL NEED TO MOVE OUT. IF YOU OBJECT, YOU CAN EXPECT A VISIT FROM YOUR LAWYER, ANULE.
SUPER CALL... FRAGILE... IST... I
EXPECT ANULE
DOE, SHUSH!
MARY POPPINS ASKED ME TO KICK YOUR @#$%.

HEY, GOAT... I THINK YOU'RE HOMELY, AWKWARD, LAME, BORING, UNLOVEABLE, STRANGE, SAD, SOCIALLY INEPT, AND DESTINED FOR A LIFE OF UTTER LONELINESS.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
JUST BEING HONEST.
THAT'S THE "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD FOR INSULTS.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST...WHY DO YOU NEED TO WEAR SUCH TIGHT CLOTHES?
SO THAT YOU COMMONERS CAN SEE MY EVERY MUSCLE AND BULGE. ALL OF WHICH IS THE PRODUCT OF HARD WORK AND GOOD NUTRITION. WHY JUST LOOK AT MY PACKAGE...
...OF HEALTHY SNACKS I CARRY WITH ME WHEREVER I GO.
CLOSE CALL, JEF THE CYCLIST.
I'M FIT AND CLEVER.
COULD YOU BAN JEF FOR LIFE?

YOUR FATHER GOT A JOB AS A NIGHT WATCHMAN AT A RARE BIRD SHOP.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL. HIS BOSS IS ALREADY ACCUSING HIM OF STEALING.
STEALING? WHAT'S DAD SAY?
DOZE IS BIG WORDS, BOB.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
MY NEW RESTAURANT. I GIVE YOU A TACO AND WISH BAD LUCK ON YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS TO COME.
WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT IS THAT?
HEX MEX.

HI, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I HEARD YOU HAD SOME HEALTH ISSUES. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I’M FINE NOW... BUT I HAD A MASTECTOMY. THAT’S WHEN THEY REMOVE —
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
GOOD.
BUT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU OWNED A SAILBOAT.
I DID NOT HAVE A MAST REMOVED.
OH, GREAT. WANT TO GO SAILING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M ABOUT TO CRUSH THIS ANT.
WHY?
HE'S SMALL. HE'S NOT LIKE ME. AND HE'S DEVOID OF ANY INTELLECTUAL, ARTISTIC OR CULTURAL VALUE.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION... WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER TO -
SQUISH
SHAKESPEARE BORES ME.

I MET A GIRL LAST NIGHT.
REALLY? WHO?
SHE'S A ROADIE FOR SOME ROCK BAND.
D'YOU DO ANYTHING?
WE MADE OUT.
YOU MADE OUT... YOU MUST KISS ANYONE.
SHE DOES, ACTUALLY. I FOUND OUT ABOUT HER PAST LATER.
WELL, GIVE ME HER NUMBER.
GROSS. NO WAY. I DON'T WANT YOU TO KISS SOME GIRL I'VE KISSED.
DUDE. PLEASE. IT'S THE LAW.
WHAT LAW?
'S HARE THE ROADIE.'
IT'S 'SHARE THE ROAD.'
OH, GREAT. NOW YOU WANT A SHOT AT HER?
NO ONE'S SAYING A SHOT AT ANYONE.
PSSST... DOES SHE GIVE OUT HUGS?

HOW COME YOU AND PIG DON'T HAVE THE LATEST SMART PHONES?
BECAUSE IT'S STUPID. WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS NEED THE LATEST GADGET? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE PREVIOUS GENERATION OF TECHNOLOGY?
BECAUSE IT'S OLDER
AND SLOWER
AND LESS EFFICIENT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IDIOT?

MY STUPID CABLE BILL WENT UP AGAIN.
MINE TOO. THE CABLE COMPANY SAID IT WAS DRIVEN UP BY ALL THE IDIOTS OUT THERE WHO STEAL THEIR CABLE SIGNAL. DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?
STEAL CABLE.
I MEANT SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A FELONY.
HEY. DON'T KNOCK FELONIES.

CHECK IT OUT, GOMER GOLDFISH... I JUST GOT SOME FORTUNE COOKIES AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT. MINE SAYS, "YOU WILL HAVE FAME AND FORTUNE."
HOPE IT COMES TRUE. OPEN ONE FOR ME.
"YOU WILL SWIM IN CIRCLES FOREVER."
THESE THINGS ARE RARELY ACCURATE.