Pearls Before Swine | Search

CHECK IT OUT, GOMER GOLDFISH... I JUST GOT SOME FORTUNE COOKIES AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT. MINE SAYS, "YOU WILL HAVE FAME AND FORTUNE."
HOPE IT COMES TRUE. OPEN ONE FOR ME.
"YOU WILL SWIM IN CIRCLES FOREVER."
THESE THINGS ARE RARELY ACCURATE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I HAVE A CAN OF ROACH SPRAY AND AN AIR FRESHENER.
SO?
SO WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SPRAYED WITH FIRST?
NOW THERE'S AN EASILY OFFENDED GENTLEMAN.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE HAS TO TAKE THE SUBWAY DOWNTOWN, SO HE'S GETTING READY.
READY FOR WHAT?
BRING ON THE MASSES.

OUR STUPID CAR BROKE DOWN. HOW AM I GONNA GET AROUND TODAY?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE SUBWAY?
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T MIX WELL WITH COMMONERS.

The Center for Inspirational Ideas held its first annual Inspirational Ideas Symposium.
I would like to improve living conditions in Africa through sustainable green energy.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach people to meditate in a way that raises our collective consciousness.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach disadvantaged children to express themselves through art.
YAAAAAAAAY
And I would like to sit around in my underwear and drink beer.
AND THE CENTER BANNED THE DRANK DONKEY FOR LIFE.
Poor Danny. He's so ahead of his time.
I'D LOOK GOOD GOOD IN TIGHTY WHITIES

HEY, GOAT. CAN I HAVE SECONDS OF ICE CREAM BEFORE I GO HOME?
OH, PIG. YOU'RE A GUEST AT MY HOUSE... OF COURSE... TAKE IT AS A GIVEN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TAKING IT AS A GIBBON.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
Hey.
Me want banana.

OKAY, GUYS, IT'S TIME TO END OUR LITTLE LEMMING LIVES...
BOB, YOU START US OFF.
ALRIGHT, FRED!
WAIT! WAIT! YOU YELLED "ALRIGHT" IN THAT SPEECH BALLOON!
BUT THAT'S NOT A WORD, BOB! IT'S "ALL RIGHT"... TWO WORDS...
ASK ANYONE!
OH, CRAP. REALLY?
IT'S A SHAME TO GO OUT ON A GRAMMATICAL ERROR.

I'M DATING A NEW GIRL NAMED `AVI.' SHE'S THE PERFECT GIRL FOR ME.
WHAT MAKES HER THE PERFECT GIRL?
IF I GET AN 'I LOVE AVI' TATTOO AND WE BREAK UP, I CAN ALWAYS CHANGE IT TO 'I LOVE RAVIOLI.'
BRILLIANT.
HEY, WHO DOESN'T LOVE RAVIOLI.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A SEQUEL TO THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN STORY... THE GUY WILL DO ANYTHING TO FIND A NEW HEAD, SO HE EXPLOITS ALL HIS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS TO GET ONE.
SO HE USES PEOPLE TO GET A HEAD?
YOUR HUMOR'S BOTH SLEEPY AND HOLLOW.

HEY, PIG. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NOT SO GOOD. IT'S MY GRANDMA. WE EXPECT HER TO GO ANY DAY.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHY? SHE'S BEEN VACATIONING AT OUR HOUSE FOR A WEEK.
NEVER MIND.
THE WOMAN NEEDS TO FIND A HOTEL.

WHY DO PEOPLE GO ON SPIRITUAL SEARCHES?
TO FIND A SATISFYING RELIGION. SOMETHING RELIABLE THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF THEIR LIVES.
BEER CANNOT BE A RELIGION.
PLEASE DON'T BLASPHEME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY CHURCH'S RELICS.

RAT!
A RAINBOW!
FOLLOW IT TO ITS END. THERE'S S'POSED TO BE ALL SORTS OF MAGICAL STUFF THERE.
OH YAY! YAY!
WHEEEEE!
WOOOOHOOO--
IT'S NEARING ITS END! IT'S NEARING ITS END!!
WHAT'D YOU EXPECT, A $@#*%&$^ LEPRECHAUN?
WELL, THAT WAS LESS THAN MAGICAL.
WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ASK TO SEE HIS POT OF GOLD.
URP.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY. THEY ASKED ME WHAT MY GREATEST WEAKNESS WAS.
YEAH. THAT'S A COMMON INTERVIEW QUESTION. IT'S DESIGNED TO SEE HOW CREATIVE YOU CAN COMPLIMENT YOURSELF.
THAT'S WHAT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO DO?
YEAH. SO PEOPLE SAY, "I WORK TOO HARD" OR "I CARE TOO MUCH". WHY? WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I'M DUMB AS ROCKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PROTESTING THIS DEPARTMENT STORE. THEY HAVE A WHOLE SECTION DEVOTED TO MEN USING PROFANITY.
IT'S "MENSWEAR." NOT "MEN SWEAR."
OH.
HEY... THIS SOUNDS LIKE A FUN B%@#@* SECTION.

HEY, GOMER GOLDFISH, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO NEW YORK CITY SO I CAN HANG OUT IN THE EAST VILLAGE AND KNOCK BACK A FEW BLOODY MARYS WITH SOME FAMOUS ARTISTS AND WRITERS.
OR MAYBE I'LL JUST SWIM AROUND IN A LITTLE GLASS BOWL.
GOLDFISH CAN BE SO SARCASTIC.

HEY NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. ME AND MY WIFE ARE GOING ON A COUPLES DATE WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.
WHAT'S A COUPLES DATE?
A COUPLES DATE IS WHEN FOUR PEOPLE GET TOGETHER AND NONE OF THEM WANT TO.
HOW FUN.
KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO BE LATE.
AGAIN?

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE SAD LITTLE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES... SO IF THERE WAS EVER ANYTHING DANGEROUS YOU WANTED TO DO IN LIFE BUT WERE AFRAID TO TRY, NOW IS THE TIME.
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
TAKE THAT, SURGEON GENERAL.

OFFICER! HELP! HELP! THERE'S BEEN A MURDER OF CROWS!
HA HA. VERY AMUSING. A GROUP OF CROWS IS CALLED A "MURDER". NOW RUN ALONG AND PRANK SOMEONE ELSE.
SOME CRIMES ARE SO HARD TO REPORT.

DING!
Yer cute.
U single?
Single?
Yeah
Why?
Live not far from u.
Coffee sometime?
Love to.
When?
Wow. Uh. How bout u STEP OUTSIDE HOWSE RITE NOW#&*#* HW@#`# $*&#@!!!
You really break character, Bob.
Mebbe me try poke heem.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
GOING TO SEE THIS GUY PERFORM. TODAY WILL BE HIS SWAN SONG.
AWWW, THAT'S TOO BAD. IS HE RETIRING?
I like swans. They are great. I like swan.
NEVER MIND
WHY WOULD HE RETIRE?
WANT TO HEAR MY COW SONG?

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA READING?
THIS ARTICLE ON THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MESSING AROUND WITH ALL OF THESE SURREPTITIOUS PROGRAMS... OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT "SURREPTITIOUS" MEANS?
IT'S SYRUP THAT'S DELICIOUS.
MAYBE I'LL JUST KEEP READING.
ARE THEY MESSING WITH MY SYRUP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE THIS SHOCKINGLY UNBELIEVABLE PROBLEM... YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS GIRLFRIEND WHO--
*FAINT*
THE SHOCKING PART IS NOT THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
SLOW DOWN, COWBOY...
ONE STUNNER AT A TIME.

HEY, ZEBRA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SHLOMO. HE'S SECOND VIOLINIST IN OUR SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. NOW AS SECOND VIOLINIST, WHAT IS YOUR MAIN FOCUS?
KILLING THE FIRST VIOLINIST.
I HEARD THAT, SHLOMO.
WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, IVAN?
CHECK, PLEASE.

HEY, ZEBRA. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET IVAN. HE'S FIRST VIOLINIST IN OUR CITY'S SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
WOW. WHAT AN HONOR TO MEET—
HEY! I'M IN THE ORCHESTRA! I'M IN THE--
SECOND VIOLINISTS CAN BE SO ANNOYING.

I'M DATING A NEW WOMAN. SHE LIKES TO WEAR FISHNETS.
OH, GOSH... I THINK THAT'S SO SEXY, DON'T YOU?
NOT REALLY.
LEAVE IT TO YOU TO RUIN SOMETHING WONDERFUL.