Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT... IT'S YOUR BANK. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE LATE WITH SOME PAYMENT.
HI, THANKS FOR CALLING.
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE CREDIT CARD PAYMENT, PRESS '1.'
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE MORTGAGE PAYMENT, PRESS '2.'
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE CAR PAYMENT, PRESS '3.'
TO SPEAK WITH A PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE AT ANY TIME, JUST SAY 'RAT.'
RAT.
I'M SORRY... I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
RAT.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
RAT!
THANKS. I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO... CAT.
RAT! RAT! NOT CAT!
YOU'RE HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN.
MEOWWWW.
GrrEN STREET FLIGHT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
ME AND MY COUSIN PLAYED A SCHMUPPERDINK THIS MORNING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN TWO GUYS ARE ABOUT TO WALK INTO EACH OTHER, SO ONE GUY MOVES TO THE SIDE, BUT THEN THE OTHER GUY MOVES TO THE SAME SIDE, THEN THEY BOTH MOVE TO THE OTHER SIDE, AND ON AND ON.
WELL, THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, PIG... WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT LASTED FOR FOUR HOURS.
NEVER MIND.
WHOEVER SAID PIGS ARE SMART NEVER MET MY FAMILY.

HEY, ANDY THE CHAINED-UP DOG...
WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT?
NEW CHAIN!!
THAT'S ONE OPTIMISTIC DOG.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT MR. SHUFFLES HERE FEELS HE HASN'T GOTTEN ENOUGH TIME IN THE STRIP LATELY.

GEE, GUARD DUCK, I THINK EVERY CHARACTER FEELS THAT WAY. I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
HOW ABOUT A FOOT-RACE, SIR? ALL THE CHARACTERS COMPETE. WHOEVER WINS GETS MORE TIME IN THE STRIP.
SOUNDS FINE TO ME. WHAT DO THE OTHER CHARACTERS THINK?
I OBJECT.

PIG AND I GOT ONE OF THOSE TRENDY SHAG RUGS… THE KIND WITH THE DEEP PILE.
WOW. HOW DEEP IS THAT?
PRETTY DEEP.

HEY, RAT. . . YOU WANT HALF THIS SANDWICH? I CAN’T EAT ALL OF IT.
I CAN’T EAT THAT. THERE ARE SPROUTS ON IT.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH SPROUTS?
NOBODY LIKES SPROUTS. THAT’S HOW THEY GOT THEIR NAME.
“SPROUTS”?
SOMETHING PEOPLE RUIN OUR USUALLY TASTY SANDWICHES WITH.
OF COURSE.
WANT TO KNOW WHAT BROCCOLI STANDS FOR?

HEY, PIG. D'YOU GET A NEW HAT?
YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS LIKED COWS, SO I DECIDED TO SHOW MY FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR THEM BY BUYING THEIR HATS.
PIG... THOSE ARE THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS.
THESE COWS ATTEND COLLEGE?
LET'S START OVER.
LETS. THESE ARE VERY PRIVILEGED COWS.

CAN ME HAS LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN?
GREEK TO LATIN.
IS DERE ANY ALTERNATE PRONOUNCIASHUNS?
NO.
IS IT A NOUN?
YES.
CAN ME PEES HAS DEFENISHUN?
A SMALL DOMESTICATED MAMMAL WITH FUR AND SHORT SNOUT.
CAN YOU PEESE USE WORD IN A SENT'N?
COULD YOU PLEASE JUST SPELL THE &@#$ING WORD 'CAT'?
ME FORGOT. WHICH IS LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN?
AUGHHH.

I'M TIRED OF SOCIETY'S CONSTRAINTS. WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE, AM I EXPECTED TO PERIODICALLY NOD MY HEAD AND SAY STUFF LIKE 'YEAH', 'UH HUH', 'RIGHT'...?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO INSTEAD?
ANYTHING. WATCH... START A CONVERSATION.
OKAY... UH... SURE HAVE HAD NICE WEATHER LATELY, HUH?
GLONK.
I REGRET ASKING.
TOFU.

HI, PIG. IT'S ME, BENNIE THE BEAR. I WANT YOU TO KNOW I GOT RID OF MY WOMEN'S BOOTS.
THAT'S GREAT! NOW YOU CAN CHASE AFTER RABBITS LIKE OTHER BEARS!
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT?
MY HAT WILL BLOW OFF.

DOES IT BOTHER YOU TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO PREDATORS?
IT USED TO. BUT I THINK I'VE BECOME INURED.
THAT'S SAD.
WHAT'S SAD?
THAT YOU HAD TO BECOME A NERD.
LET'S START THIS CONVERSATION OVER.
HERE. I'LL BE ONE IN SYMPATHY.

HEY, RAT, MIND IF WE HAVE A BABY SHOWER HERE?
WHO'S EXPECTING A BABY?
NOBODY.
THEN WHY ARE YOU HAVING A BABY SHOWER?
HE'S DIRTY.
BEST YOU CAN DO?
PRETTY MUCH.

... AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY MOM SAID THAT...
IT WAS SO RUDE...
... THAT'S TOO BAD.
I HEAR YOU.
YOU KNOW, RAT, I HAVE TO SAY, YOU'VE BEEN A LOT MORE EMPATHETIC LATELY. WHY IS THAT?
YOU SEE, I'VE WRITTEN DOWN THE PHRASES “THAT'S TOO BAD”, “I HEAR YOU”, AND “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL” ON THIS LITTLE PIECE OF PAPER AND I RANDOMLY SPIN ONE OUT EVERY TIME YOU PAUSE.
I HATE YOUR POINTED LITTLE FACE.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

YO, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I'M TRYING TO BUY A SARI FOR MY INDIAN GIRLFRIEND, BUT I CAN'T FIND ANY. SO THE SALESWOMAN IS CHECKING IN THE STOREROOM FOR ME.
WELL... I'M AFRAID WE DON'T HAVE ANY.
NONE AT ALL?
NO SARI, BOB.
APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR LAMENESS.
I'M SARI.

I HEARD YOU WENT TO THE DOCTOR THIS MORNING.
YEAH. MY FEET BEEN HURTING ME.
HOW’D IT GO?
WELL, I SPENT THE FIRST 15 MINUTES FILLING OUT INSURANCE FORMS.
BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT MY INSURANCE DIDN’T COVER IT.
THEN I SPENT AN HOUR IN THE WAITING ROOM.
THEN WAITED ANOTHER 15 MINUTES IN THE EXAMINATION ROOM.
THEN THE DOCTOR FINALLY CAME IN AND LOOKED AT MY FOOT AND SAID…
‘JUST GIVE IT SOME REST.’
SO I KICKED HIM IN THE FACE.
HOPE HE ENJOYS HIS TRIP TO THE DOCTOR.
HOPE HE USED THE OTHER FOOT.

YO, BOOIS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WAITING FOR
MY PREY TO
COME OUT OF
HIS HOLE AND
GIVE UP.
WHY WOULD
HE DO THAT?
HE KNOWS YOU
CAN’T CATCH
HIM.
‘CAUSE
I WROTE
HIM A
NOTE.
HAVE MERCY.
FEET KILLING
ME.
IT
MIGHT
TAKE
MORE.
HERE. I TOOK
A PHOTO OF
MY BLISTERS.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. IT'S A PIE COOLING ON THAT WINDOWSILL. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STEAL IT. IT'S A COMIC STRIP GAG DATING BACK TO THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
I'M GLUTEN-INTOLERANT, AND THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S GLUTEN-FREE.
WELL, THAT MADE FOR A GOOD COMIC STRIP.

HEY, HOPS. HON. HOW ARE THINGS?
ODD. SOME PREDATOR LEFT A NOTE IN MY HOLE SAYING HE CAN'T RUN AFTER ME, SO HE'D APPRECIATE IT IF I WOULD JUST POP OUT OF THE HOLE AND LET HIM EAT ME.
WHAT KIND OF PREDATOR LEAVES A NOTE LIKE THAT?
HEEEEERE, BUNNY WUNNY.

HEY THERE, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, HOPS.
HOPS, HUH? THAT'S CUTE. 'CAUSE BUNNIES HOP A LOT?
'CAUSE I DRINK A @#$% LOAD OF BEER.
IT'S A KEY INGREDIENT.
AND WHO WANTS TO BE CALLED "YEAST"?
CHECK, PLEASE.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
HELPING HIS FRIEND, BENNIE THE BLACK BEAR, GRAB TROUT FROM A STREAM.
SINCE WHEN DOES A BLACK BEAR NEED HELP REACHING FOR TROUT IN A STREAM?
SINCE HE DEVELOPED A RATHER ODD SENSE OF FASHION.
MIGHT BE EASIER WITHOUT THE WOMEN'S BOOTS.
I GOTTA BE ME.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BENNIE. HE'S A BLACK BEAR.
BLACK BEAR, HUH? I'VE ALWAYS FEARED YOU GUYS BECAUSE NO PREY CAN ESCAPE YOU. YOU RUN FAST, SWIM FAST, CLIMB TREES.
NOT BENNIE.
WHY NOT?
HE WEARS WOMEN'S BOOTS.
THEY'RE VERY FLATTERING.
MY FEAR IS DIMINISHING.

HOW COME YOU WANTED TO COME TO THE BOOKSTORE, GOAT?
I JUST ENJOY IT. SEEING ALL THESE WONDERFULLY DIVERSE AREAS OF KNOWLEDGE GIVES ME HOPE FOR MANKIND.
I MEAN, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT YOUR SCIENCE SECTION, YOUR CLASSIC LITERATURE ...
...HISTORY...GEOGRAPHY...
...PSYCHOLOGY...PHILOSOPHY...
NEW TEEN PARANORMAL ROMANCE
WE'RE ALL @%#*ING DOOMED.
AWWWWWWW.... BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRES ARE SO DARN SWEET.

WELL, I GOTTA TAKE OFF...I'M DOING SOME COMMUNITY SERVICE TODAY.
I DID THAT ONCE... TRIED TO SET UP A SPORTS PROGRAM IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHAT SPORT?
POLO.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
'BRING YOUR OWN HORSE,' I TOLD THE KIDS... BUT DID THEY LISTEN? NOOOOOOO...

HEY, DUDE. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PLAYING WITH MY NEW BASKETBALL, VOLLEYBALL, AND BASEBALLS, ALL UNDER THE LIGHT OF THE FULL MOON, WHICH I CAN SEE THROUGH THIS PORTHOLE WINDOW.
COOL IT WITH THE NEW STENCIL.
BUT IT'S SO EXCITING.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SKIPPY THE SCORPION.
AWWW...WHAT A FRIENDLY LIL' GUY. HE WANTS TO SHAKE HANDS.
NOT A HANDSHAKE.
Nature... so... confusing.