Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY DO THESE IDIOT SCAMMERS WITH POOR ENGLISH SKILLS ALWAYS BEGIN THEIR E-MAILS WITH "DEAR FRIEND"? IT'S SUCH A TIP-OFF THAT IT'S SPAM.
WHY IS IT A TIP-OFF?
I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS.
AND WHAT AM I?
YOU'RE MORE OF AN ACQUAINTANCE I ABUSE.
AAWWW... WHAT A TOUCHING "PEARLS" MOMENT.

Okay, meester, if you no ees dolf een, who ees you?
Who am I?
Yeah. You ees starting look familiar.
I am?...Well, that's because I'm...uh... Pres-I-dent of the United States.
BANOCK OMABA!
Close enough.
Hey...You tink you could bomb da zeebas?

Let's get inside the crocs' house and eat them.
We'll need a disguise to fool them.
Fool the crocs?
Yeah.
Hi. I'm not a dolphin.
Me beleeeve you.

WHATCHA READIN', GOAT?
A GREAT BOOK ON IRISH HISTORY. I'VE LEARNED A LOT.
OH, I LOVE IRISH HISTORY.
OH, YEAH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?
YOU GO FIRST.

Look, Burt... Killer dolfeens gone.
HAHA... Guess dey finally geet message dat dis town not beeg enuff for two predators.
It's too easy.
Let's get two more for lunch.

HEY, RAT, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER?
HOW 'BOUT THE FRENCH DIP?
OUI OUI... ZEE WATER IS FINE.
MAY YOU LEAD A SHORT LIFE.

EXCUSE ME, BUT ARE YOU THE CARTOONIST WHO MADE FUN OF POLKA MUSIC A WHILE BACK?
I GUESS. WHO ARE YOU?
E.Q.R.
E.Q.R.?
EQUALLY OFFENDED READER.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MAKING FUN OF POLKA MUSIC?
POLISH PEOPLE PLAY POLKA MUSIC. IT'S OFFENSIVE TO POLISH PEOPLE.
BUT I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION POLISH PEOPLE. WHAT IF I JUST MADE FUN OF ACCORDIONS?
ACCORDIONS ARE OFFENSIVE.
WHAT IF I JUST MADE FUN OF FUN OF MUSIC?
POLISH PEOPLE PLAY MUSIC.
OHMYGOD...FINE. I'LL MAKE FUN OF UH...LITHUOPHONIA. IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU?
NO.
WHAT NOW?
IT HAS A POLE. COULD BE VIEWED AS A VEILED REFERENCE.
I SAY GO AHEAD AND MAKE FUN OF POLISH PEOPLE.
THEY'RE USED TO IT NOW.
HEY, MAKE FUN OF LITHUOPHONIA. I'VE GOT NOTHING.

I HAVE SOME INFORMATION THAT I THINK COULD BE THE FOUNDATION OF A GLOBAL BUSINESS EMPIRE. IF I SHARED IT WITH YOU, COULD YOU KEEP IT CONFIDENTIAL.
SURE, PIG. WHAT IS IT?
RAISINS COME FROM GRAPES.
I SEE YOU’RE LETTING THAT SINK IN.

Me no geert it.
How come you eet Cousin Burt but sveem vid zeeba to Enya songs?
Because he said he liked Enya songs.
Would you like to swim to Enya songs?
Okays.
It only fair.
EAT
CHOMP
GRRRRA
CHOMP
BITE
CHOMP
ARRRRGH
RIP EAT
CHEW
CHEW
GRRRRA
EAT
Forgat the Enya song.
Oopsy doopsy.

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten... How you like sweem wid dolfeens...? Ees once een lifetime esperience.
GOSH, I'D LOVE TO.
HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA! GET HEEM! REEP HEES HED OFF!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
No idea.
Deranged.
ARRRGGH!
Want to swim on your back while we whistle Enya songs?
SURE.

Whuh you doing, Burt?
Me gonna sweem wid dallpheens. Spose be once een lifetime essperience.
Sweem!
Be happy.
ARRGHHH
CHOMP CHOMP
BITE BITE
AAHH BLEHH
Guess dat why it only once een lifetime essperience.
Yep.
Sweem!
Be happy.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, BOB. HE'S
A COBBLER.
A
COBBLER?
I'M SO
SORRY.
WHY ARE
YOU
SORRY?
I HAD A
COBBLER
FOR
DESSERT.
DIFFERENT
COBBLER.
HAVE SOME
BACON.
WE'LL BE
EVEN.

YO, DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAITING FOR MY FRIEND, MS. LYDIA. SHE’S BRINGING HER DOGS.
THOSE TINY LITTLE THINGS? THEN I’M LEAVING.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH TINY LITTLE DOGS?
THERE’S THAT.
FOOFY!

HEY THERE, GOAT...HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. I'M MEETING MY FRIEND, COACH BOB. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR FOR A FOOTBALL TEAM.
OH. HE MUST LOVE THAT.
USUALLY. BUT RIGHT NOW, THE TEAM IS SCORING NO POINTS, AND HE'S TAKING A WHOLE LOT OF HEAT FOR THE LACK OF OFFENSE.
REALLY?
YEP. SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, DON'T BRING IT UP. DON'T EVEN HINT AT IT...OH, HERE HE IS NOW.
NICE TO MEET YOU, COACH BOB! LET ME BUY YOU A COFFEE. BUT DON'T GET THE FRENCH ROAST. IT TASTES TERRIBLE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOVE THEIR FRENCH ROAST.
OH. NO OFFENSE.
CRACK
HE TOOK OFFENSE.

HI, PIG. I GOT A NEW DOG.
PET HIM A LITTLE. BUT NOT TOO HARD.
OKAY.
RRRKING.
HELLO?
IS THIS PIG?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST SOME LIGHT PETTING.
YOUR MOM'S IN A BAD MOOD.
SAYS.

REGARDING THE "PEARLS" MOVIE WE'RE MAKING, THE RAT HAS SOME DEMANDS... DEMAND NUMBER ONE: BEFORE EACH DAY'S SHOOT, YE SHALL KISS MY FEET AND CALL ME "GOLDEN ONE."
WE ARE NOT MAKING A MOVIE.
DEMAND NUMBER TWO: YE SHALL CEASE HAVING AN UGLY FACE.
I SEE YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH THAT ONE.

I'M TURNING "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" INTO A MOVIE. HERE'S THE SCRIPT.
'RAT KICKS PIG.'
BOOT
I'M BIG ON REHEARSALS.

I WOULD LIKE TO TURN OUR COMIC INTO A FULL-LENGTH FEATURE MOVE. HERE'S MY SCRIPT.
ALL IT SAYS IS "RAT KICKS PIG".
YES. THAT'S THE PLOT.
YOU GIVING PIG A KICK IS THE ENTIRE PLOT FOR A TWO-HOUR MOVIE?
NO, YOU IDIOT. I DO IT REPEATEDLY.
GET OUT BEFORE I KICK YOU REPEATEDLY.
YOU REALLY LACK VISION.

ANDY... DO YOU WANT ANY OF YOUR DAD'S THINGS? HIS TV GUIDE HAS SOME WRITING ON IT.
YEAH. HE LIKED TO DO THE CROSSWORD.
MAKES SENSE. HE HAD IT IN HIS HANDS WHEN HE DIED. MUST HAVE BEEN FINISHING A PUZZLE. YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT IT?
FINE. I'LL TAKE IT.
LOVE YOU TOO, KID.

NO NO NO
'DAD, LISTEN. WHEN I GOT YOU THAT CHRISTMAS HAT, IT WAS MY WAY OF SAYING--'
'DAD, LISTEN, I KNOW WE'VE HAD PROBLEMS, BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW SOMETHING. I LOVE--'
ARE YOU ANDY?
YES.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?

THIS BOOK ON THE AMISH. IT'S AN INTERESTING RELIGION.

HOW SO?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY HAVE THIS RITE OF PASSAGE CALLED 'RUMSPRINGA.'
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S THIS PERIOD OF ADOLESCENCE WHERE YOUNG PEOPLE LEAVE THE COMMUNITY AND SOW THEIR WILD OATS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
SOME OF THEM GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND EXPERIENCE DRINKING AND HOOKING UP AND DRIVING FAST CARS AND FLOUTING AUTHORITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT I'M AMISH!!
HE'S THE HOLIEST MAN EVER!
NO.
YOU CAN'T CALL THIS 'RITE OF PASSAGE' LAST MAY AND JUNE.

HEY, GOAT... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PART OF A BELL CALLED THE CLAPPER DOES?
IT RINGS A BELL.
THEN TAKE A GUESS.
IT RINGS A BELL.
SO GUESS.
IT... RINGS... A... BELL!!
YOU'RE A HARD GUY TO TALK TO.

LISTEN, PAL, I KNOW YOU GOT SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR DAD, BUT SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW IT IS WITH SONS AND FATHERS.
BUT I WANT TO BE CLOSE.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. MAYBE YOU'RE AS DIFFERENT AS TWO GUYS CAN BE. BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE HAS TO BE A WALL. AND YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT BEFORE ONE DAY YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I GOTTA MARCH IN THERE AND SAY IT.
NOT DURING "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," YOU DON'T!!
GOOD LUCK.
MIND IF I SAY IT TO YOUR FATHER?

YOU VISITING YOUR DAD?
YUP.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
YEAH. MY OLD MAN'S IN HERE, TOO. WE SPENT THE DAY LOOKING THROUGH OLD PHOTOS, PLAYING SCRABBLE, REMINISCING ABOUT WHEN HE TAUGHT ME TO THROW A FOOTBALL. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
HE TOLD ME TO PIPE DOWN DURING JEOPARDY!
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
I SEE.
HE LET ME TALK DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS.
WAITING ROOM

Dear son,
For the last three years, you have been too busy to have Christmas dinner at our house. Please come this year so your father and I can hear all the great stories you must have about being a fierce bear that chases down all the prey, you see!
Still busy.