Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR FINGER, RAT?
A PURITY RING.
WOW. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT SIGNIFIES?
YES. THAT I WILL REFRAIN FROM DRINKING ANYTHING BUT THE PUREST VODKA.
COMPLAINT LETTERS!
RAT!

HEY, RAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOAT SAID YOU GOT AN OFFICE JOB. I TOLD HIM I'D MAKE A DESK FOR MYSELF.
IT'S TRUE! I GO TO MEETINGS, READ REPORTS, WRITE MEMOS...
...BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANY OF THAT STUFF.
NO. BUT I CAN LEARN.
LEARN?! THESE CORPORATE TYPES WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THE FIRST TIME SOME BOSS COMES IN HERE TO CHEW YOUR HEAD OFF ABOUT SOME STUPID MEMO?
I'VE GOT A TIME-TO-DUCK HOLE.
YOU'RE GONNA DUCK?
WE'RE GONNA TELL HIM TO WRITE HIS OWN @#%$@#% MEMO.
EVERYONE NEEDS A TIME-TO-DUCK HOLE.
CAN YOU DRAW ME A DONUT?

GOAT! GOAT! I WON FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS IN THE LOTTERY!
WOW, PIG. THAT'S TERRIFIC. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE MONEY?
RAT SAID IT WOULD BE A REAL STATUS SYMBOL IF WE BUILT AN ELEVATOR IN OUR HOUSE.
YOU HAVE A ONE-STORY HOUSE.
STATUS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL, PIGITA, HERE WE ARE BACK AT YOUR HOUSE. THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT.
SHOOT, I FORGOT MY KEYS.
WANT ME TO KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR?
NO. MY MOTHER JUST HAD THE FRONT DOOR PAINTED.
CAN I GRAB YOUR KNOCKER?
AND THAT'S THE LAST THING I REMEMBER.

ARE YOU A GLASS-HALF-EMPTY OR GLASS-HALF-FULL KIND OF GUY?
THE GLASS IS HALF FULL.
OH, GOOD.
BUT THEN THE MOMENT YOU TURN YOUR BACK, SOMEONE WILL STEAL THE WHOLE &%?#@ GLASS.
YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE CYNICAL.
THIRSTY LITTLE THIEVES.

WHAT ARE YOU READIN' STEPH?
THIS BOOK ON CHIMPANZEES. AS A HUMAN, THEY'RE MY CLOSEST RELATIVES.
MINE IS MY AUNT TODDY. SHE LIVES AROUND THE BLOCK.
LET'S START OVER.
DO YOURS BUY YOU UGLY PANTS FOR CHRISTMAS, TOO?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
LONG NIGHT. BOOZE. BROADS. BRAWLING. SO CUT THE YAPPING.
GOOD MORNIN' MORNIN' MORNIN'
FROM YOUR PEPPY PEPPY PENGUINS
WE HOPE THAT YOU'RE ENJOYIN'
THIS MESSAGE THAT WE'RE SENDIN'
SOME GUYS JUST AREN'T MORNING PEOPLE.

HI! WE'RE YOUR PERKY PENGUIN MORNING GREETERS! WE START YOUR DAY RIGHT BY GREETING YOU WITH A HEARTY SMILE, A FIRM HANDSHAKE, AND A SONG IN OUR HEART!
YOU EVER RING THIS DOORBELL BEFORE EIGHT A.M. AGAIN AND I'LL FEED YOU FAT OAFS TO A SEA LION.
GLAD WE DIDN'T PLAY THE BANJO.

HEY, NANA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY UNCLE JERRY.

AH, THE UNCLE WITH THE MODEL TRAIN COLLECTION.
THAT'S UNCLE GREG.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID UNCLE GREG WAS THAT GUY YOU DON'T TALK TO ABOUT POLITICS.
THAT'S UNCLE BOB.
THEN WHO'S THE ONE WHO DRESSES LIKE SANTA AND ALWAYS JINGLES HIS KEYS?
THAT'S UNCLE MARK.
ISN'T HE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES YOU LISTEN TO TV AT TOP VOLUME?
THAT'S UNCLE DAN.
THEN WHO'S THE GRUMPY GUY NOBODY LIKES?
HE REALLY IS GRUMPY.

WHATCHA READIN’, GOAT?
THIS EDITORIAL ON THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE. THE GOVERNMENT IS HAVING THIS BIG DEBATE ABOUT WHETHER TO PUT BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
DOESN’T SEEM THAT CONTROVERSIAL.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
HOW 'BOUT SOME OF THIS NEW ITEM? THE... UH... PITA BREAD.
I DON'T THINK THAT'LL CATCH ON.

HI, PIG… I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET SHELV… SHE’S FROM ‘PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS.’
OH, GREAT. DIDN’T YOU GUYS JUST OPEN A NEW OFFICE DOWNTOWN?
WE DID, DESPITE THE CITY’S REFUSAL TO GIVE US A PERMIT. BUT YES, WE FINALLY FOUND A LEGAL WAY TO DO IT.
THERE’S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SKIN A CAT.
I NEVER SAY THE RIGHT THING.

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND ED. HE'S FROM SEATTLE.
OH, WOW. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE! YOU'RE THE FISH-THROWING PEOPLE!
WELL, YES. THEY THROW FISH AT THE PIKE PLACE FISH MARKET.
I THOUGHT EVERYONE IN SEATTLE THREW FISH AT EACH OTHER.
NO.
WELL, TIME TO REMOVE THAT PLACE FROM THE BUCKET LIST.

RAT HAS THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY
SORRY THANKSGIVING HASN'T BEEN GREAT, WANDA... WANT TO PLAY 'TRIVIA PURSUIT' WITH MY FAMILY?
SURE. I COULD USE A NICE, RELAXING BOARD GAME.
YOU SAID HOLLAND, NOT THE NETHERLANDS!
SAME THING, YOU GRASPING IDIOT!
I WILL SMASH YOUR HEAD WITH THIS BOX OF CARDS!
THEY'RE SOMEWHAT COMPETITIVE.

RAT HAS THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY
IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE ALL OF YOU HERE TONIGHT WITH YOUR FAMILIES AND ___ RAT, WHO IS THAT?
WANDA. MY MASSEUSE. SHE'LL RELAX ME AFTER THIS FAMILY STRESSES ME OUT.
THEY'RE NOT VERY WELCOMING TO STRANGERS.

RAT HAS THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY
BEFORE WE BEGIN EATING, I’D LIKE TO GO AROUND THE TABLE AND EACH SAY WHAT WE’RE THANKFUL FOR.
I’M THANKFUL FOR FAMILY AND HOLIDAY GATHERINGS SUCH AS THIS.
I’M THANKFUL FOR MOTHER NATURE AND ALL OF GOD’S CREATURES.
I’M THANKFUL FOR WORLD PEACE AND LOVE AND BROTHERHOOD.
I’M THANKFUL I ONLY HAVE TO SEE YOU ALL ONCE A YEAR.
HOW HEARTWARMING.
OH, AND I LIKE BEER.

HEY, RAT... ANY INTEREST IN GOING ON A CRUISE WITH ME?
SURE.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS VACATION LIKE BEING TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE.
THAT IS NOT WHAT A CRUISE IS LIKE.
OH, RIGHT. I LEFT OUT ALL THE BROKEN TOILETS.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PAUL. HE'S A PAINTER CURRENTLY MAKING SIX FIGURES.
WOW. IT'S SO NICE TO HEAR OF AN ARTIST EARNING GOOD MONEY.
WHO SAID I EARN MONEY?
GOAT MAKES A LOT OF ASSUMPTIONS.
YEAH. WHO WANTS TO BUY THESE CRAPPY PAINTINGS?

I GOT A JOB DESIGNING FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER VIDEO GAMES.
YOU MEAN LIKE 'HALOS?'
YEAH, BUT INSTEAD OF SHOOTING YOUR ENEMY, YOU PUSH THIS BUTTON HERE AND JIMMY CARTER COMES IN TO MEDIATE.
OH, WOW. I WONDER HOW THAT'LL BE RECEIVED.
Who guy wid beeg teeth?

PIG, ARE YOU GOING TO EAT YOUR APPLESAUCE OR NOT?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
CMON, NOW.. OPEN WIDE FOR THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN.
CHOO CHOO TRAIN'S OH, BOY! OKAY!
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
CHOMP
THE TRAIN HONKED.

WANT TO PLAY 'HALO' WITH ME? THE GUYS IN RED ARE OUR ENEMY.
OKAY.
DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY AREN'T YOU SHOOTING AT THE ENEMY?
I'M LOOKING FOR A BUTTON THAT LETS US TALK IT OUT.
PERHAPS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND GAMING.
IS THERE A WAY TO SEND FLOWERS?

OUR NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING TIRED OF RAISING THEIR LITTLE KID, RED.
HOW COME?
THE KID KEEPS PUTTING UP FLAGS FROM THE OLD SOVIET UNION. THEY THINK IT MIGHT INDICATE THAT SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG WITH HIM.
SO THE PARENTS RAISING OF THEIR SON RED FLAGS RED FLAGS BECAUSE RED'S RAISING OF RED FLAGS IS RAISING RED FLAGS?
I AM SO DARN CLEVER.

REFRESH PAGE.
YES!
REFRESH PAGE.
NO!
REFRESH PAGE!
REFRESH PAGE!
YES!
STOP.
WALK.
OUTDOORS.
RELAX.
REFRESH PAGE!
REFRESH PAGE!
NOOOOO!

YOU KNOW WHAT BUGS ME ABOUT YOU-- ALL OF YOUR COMPLIMENTS ARE WRAPPED IN INSULTS.

I'D ARGUE, BUT I THINK THAT'S A PRETTY ASTUTE OBSERVATION.

IT IS, ISN'T IT?
ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE WITH SUCH LIMITED SOCIAL SKILLS.
DISCUSSION OVER.
NICE RETORT FOR AN UNWITTY NERD.

I WANT TO LIVE IN THE NETHERLANDS... THEIR MURDER RATE IS SO LOW.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE WEARING WOODEN SHOES.
THAT'S SO TRUE.
NO IT'S NOT.
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY NEVER WIN THE 100 METER DASH?