Pearls Before Swine | Search

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER TODAY?
HE WENT TO THAT MCRONALD'S BURGER PLACE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE PLAY AREA.
WHY'D HE WANT TO GO THERE?
I GUESS TO GET A BURGER... WHY ELSE?
Me gonna eat fat kid.
OOOH... I'M AFRAID THAT BREAKS OUR McRONALD'S RULES.

HI, BURT THE BEAR... HERE THE NEW NEIGHBORS YOU SAID YOU MIGHT EAT. WE WERE JUST WONDERING... IS THERE ANY WAY TO ESCAPE A BEAR?
WELL, LET'S SEE... I CAN CLIMB, SWIM, RUN 35 MILES PER HOUR, AND BREAK DOWN STEEL DOORS.
SO MUCH FOR WRAPPING MY HEAD IN BUBBLE WRAP.

CAN WE HELP YOU?
GOOD MORNING. I'M BURT THE BEAR. I JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I'LL BE SLEEPING FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS.
THEN I'LL WAKE UP,
BE HUNGRY, AND PROBABLY EAT YOU.
IT'S SO NICE TO KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS.

THIS BOAT COMPANY IS OFFERING TOURS WHERE THEY TAKE YOU TO VARIOUS WORLD FAIRS AND GUARANTEE YOU ROMANTIC ENCOUNTERS WITH WOMEN.
REALLY? HOW MUCH?
FOR WHAT?
FOR A FAIR AFFAIR FARE.
A FAIR AMOUNT.
YOU'RE NEXT, FATTY.

RRR
RRRRR
HELLO?
HEY, PIG! IT'S STEPHAN.
HEY, STEPHAN. WHERE ARE YOU?
DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I'M SPEAKING AT OHIO STATE ON SATURDAY.
ARE YOU EXCITED?
EXCITED? I'M THRILLED. I EVEN BOUGHT A 'BRUTUS BUCKEYE' COSTUME FOR THE OCCASION.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, STEPH... SO WHY ARE YOU CALLING?
'CAUSE I GOT LOST ON MY WAY TO COLUMBUS AND MY CELL PHONE'S DEAD, AND I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GO ON GOOGLE MAPS AND GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO COLUMBUS FROM WHERE I AM.
SURE. AT?
LET'S SEE... SOME PLACE CALLED ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN.
THEY'RE NOT THAT FRIENDLY IN MICHIGAN.

Okay, zeeba, we crocs
start put eestreme pressure
on you geev up,
surrender life.
WHAT
ARE
YOU
GONNA
DO?
Make grumpy face.
Works when wife do it.

HEY, PIG. WHY ARE YOU DRESSED UP?
I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA WITH HOW CULTURED I CAN BE. I'M EVEN TAKING HER TO A CLASSICAL MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
HOW WONDERFUL. WHO'S PERFORMING?
YO MAMA.
YO-YO MA.
CLOSE ENOUGH.

OUR NEIGHBOR JUST GOT ONE OF THOSE CROSSED DOGS.
ONE OF THOSE HALF-LABRADOR, HALF-POODLE LABRADOODLES?
NO. A SAINT BERNARDSTER.
SAINT BERNARDSTER?
HALF SAINT BERNARD. HALF HAMSTER.
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FEED ME A REALLY LARGE SUNFLOWER SEED?

THANKS FOR COMING OVER FOR COFFEE, PIGITA. WE DON'T DO ENOUGH COUPLESS STUFF LIKE THIS.
I KNOW.. IT'S KIND OF ROMANTIC. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME CREAM FOR MY COFFEE?
SQUIRT
PLUNK
HAVE I KILLED THE MOOD?

HEY, GOAT! YOU GOTTA HELP ME WITH THAT GREEN ROOF WE INSTALLED!
THE ONE THAT ATTRACTED THE GRAZING COW…?
YES! THE COW CRASHED THROUGH.
THE WHOLE COW…?
JUST PART.
HEY, CLARABEL… GIMME A SQUIRT.

HEY, PIG, I HEARD YOU INSTALLED ONE OF THOSE GREEN ROOFING SYSTEMS WHERE THEY COVER YOUR ROOF WITH GRASS AND PLANTS AND STUFF.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT GOING WELL.
WHAT'S WRONG?
IT ATTRACTED A GRAZING COW.
MOOO
TIME TO USE THE CATTLE PROD AGAIN.

WHATCHA DOIN', RATT?
I GOT A JOB AS A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICER. RIGHT NOW, I'M REVIEWING THE APPLICANTS' ESSAYS.
My unique experience in the Amazon rainforest has prepared me for your university's excellent...
Assisting my uncle in overcoming physical challenges has taught me that an education at your great institution will...
My goal is to receive a broad-based liberal arts education and there is no better place to achieve that than at your fine...
YO. JUST NEED A PLACE TO PARTY FOR 4 YEARS.
ACCEPTED
I LIKE THE HONEST ONES.

HEY, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BILL. HE'S AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
THAT'S GREAT. FOR WHAT FOOTBALL TEAM?
NO FOOTBALL TEAM. HE'S JUST A COORDINATOR IN AN OFFICE.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
I AM, YOU FAT, STINKING, HOMELY GOAT.
HE'S A PRETTY OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
WANT MORE PROOF?
NO THANKS.

HIYA, GOAT...I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, ELIZABETH...
SHE'S WITH CHILD.
OH, HOW
WONDERFUL.
WHEN
ARE YOU
EXPECTING?
WHO SAID I WAS EXPECTING?
PERHAPS YOU
COULD USE A
DIFFERENT
EXPRESSION
NEXT TIME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH, "I'D
LIKE YOU TO
MEET MY
FRIEND?"

ARE YOU GONNA CLEAN THIS LIVING ROOM TODAY OR NOT? WE'VE GOT DUST BUNNIES ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
OH, SURE. I'LL GET TO IT RIGHT NOW.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M THINKING CLEANLINESS IS OVERRATED.

Okay, Bob...Where walking Oreo? Me want tweets off top, eat.
larry lose.
Lose? How you lose?
Me no lose nutting! Oreos say dey want find way back Antartcee home. So who know where dey go?
THIS FEELS LIKE A DEAD END, SAUL.
KEEP DIGGING, MORTY.

Hullooo, leetle oreo tings. Welcome to you new house. Want see jacoozee?
OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
YOUR JACUZZI IS A GIANT GLASS OF MILK.
Peese, Oreo. Take dip.

GEE, MORTY, I'M SO NERVOUS. WHAT WILL OUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS BE LIKE? WILL THEY BE LOVING? WILL THEY BE NICE? WILL THEY BE EASY TO GET ALONG WITH?
GEE, SAUL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE WONDERING ABOUT US?
AND HOW YOU GUNNA EAT OREO?
ME TWIST OFF TOP FIRST.

SO THEN I --
DARN. CALL GOT DROPPED. I BETTER...
CALL PIG BACK. BUT WHAT IF...
...HE TRIES TO CALL ME? THEN HE'LL JUST GO...
...TO VOICEMAIL. I'LL WAIT FOR HIM TO...
...CALL ME. BUT WHAT IF HE'S WAITING ALSO? THEN I'LL...
LOOK, DUDE. I BETTER...
CALL HIM.
HI. I'M NOT AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW. SO PLEASE--
AUGGGGHHH
THERE SHOULD BE A NAME FOR THAT PHENOMENON.

OUR TOWN IS SO POORLY RUN. WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE MAYOR FOR A DAY JUST SO YOU CAN FIX A FEW THINGS?
OH, YEAH. FIRST LAW - NO MORE PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT FOR MAGICIANS.
MAGICIANS?
NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SAW A WOMAN IN HALF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAYOR.
MURDER IS MURDER, NO MATTER HOW ENTERTAINING.

GOOD NEWS, MORTY. I THINK OUR DAYS OF LOOKING OUT FOR POLAR BEARS ARE OVER. I GOT OUR NAMES INCLUDED IN AN ADOPTION CATALOG.
WHAT'S THAT?!
IT'S THIS PUBLICATION READ IN FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES BY THOSE LOOKING TO ADOPT THE UNDERPRIVILEGED... AND I HEAR THERE'S ALREADY SOME INTEREST IN US.
REALLY? BY WHOM?
Geev me ten giant Oreos.

YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION, 'YOU GET THE FACE YOU DESERVE'?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING VERY WRONG.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.
DID YOU DROWN PUPPIES?

HEY, MORTY, I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO DISTINGUISH YOUR WIFE FROM ALL THE OTHER PENGUINS. ASK HER SOMETHING ONLY SHE WOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU.
GOOD IDEA, SAUL.
WHICH ONE OF YOU THINKS YOUR HUSBAND IS EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE?
NOT MUCH HELP, SAUL.

LOOK, SAUL... I FOUND A WAY TO DISTINGUISH OUR SIMILAR-LOOKING SPOUSES FROM ONE ANOTHER. I GIVE EACH OF THEM FUNNY HATS.
I WISH THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

CHECK THIS OUT, RAT.
IT'S A POSTER MADE BY THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT TO RAISE MORALE DURING WORLD WAR TWO.
KEEP CALM
AND
CARRY
ON
OH, YEAH?
I HAVE ONE JUST LIKE IT.
PANIC
AND
THROW
A
GINORMOUS
FIT
THAT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
I ADHERE TO IT OFTEN.