Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, LOOK, A LEMMING JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
YEAH, WATCH... WHEN ONE LEMMING COMMITS SUICIDE, THEY ALL COMMIT SUICIDE.
LOSER.
OR MAYBE NOT.
I GET HIS CAR.
I GET HIS CONDO.
I GET HIS WIFE.
I GET HIS WIFE.

I THINK I'M GONNA OPEN UP MY OWN COFFEE SHOP.
I'LL HAVE A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY FOR EMPLOYEES WHO ARE RUDE TO CUSTOMERS.
REALLY?
YEAH. IF THEY'RE RUDE, I'D TOLERATE ZERO BEING DONE ABOUT IT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
HECK, I'D GIVE BONUSES.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE "MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD" DOS EQUIS ADS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM THE MOST INTERESTING COMIC STRIP CHARACTER IN THE WORLD.
WHY DID I KNOW THAT WAS COMING?
STAY LAUGHING, MY FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT.
IT'S ME, PIG.
WANT TO COME OVER?
I CAN'T, PIG. I'M GOING TO A WILD WEST THEME PARTY.
OOOH...
CAN I COME?
SURE. GOT A TEN-GALLON HAT?
MAYBE I'LL GO ALONE.

I HEAR YOU LOST YOUR RADIO JOB.
YES, SIR... I CLASHED WITH STATION MANAGEMENT.
WELL, I'LL GUARD DUCK, IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE, IT'S THAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
THEN I PICK ALL OF THEM.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
NOW THAT I'VE PICKED THEM, CAN I GO BACK AND FIGHT THEM?

LINE THREE, YOU'RE ON WITH G. D.
HI. WE HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE FREQUENTLY FOR DINNER. BUT THEY NEVER BRING WINE OR ANYTHING, AND THEY NEVER RECIPROCATE.
I SEE. WELL, ONE WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION IS TO SIMPLY TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.
ANOTHER IS TO MINE YOUR WALKWAY.
COMMERCIAL BREAK!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH GIVING THEM OPTIONS?

HEY, PIG, I GOTTA CALL RAT REAL QUICK. CAN YOU GIMME HIS NUMBER?
TWO.
TWO WHAT?
JUST TWO.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE ACTUAL PHONE NUMBERS BEYOND THE NUMBER THEY ARE ON YOUR SPEED DIAL.
WHOA...I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD ALL MY FRIENDS HAD SUCH CONVENIENT PHONE NUMBERS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. GIMME A TRIPLE BACON CHEESEBURGER.

ANYTHING ELSE?

HOW 'BOUT A LARGE ORDER OF CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

SURE. IS THAT ALL?
THROW IN A SALAD WITH CHUNKY BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. BUT MAKE SURE IT'S LOWFAT.
I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

LISTEN, ED, YOU REALLY NEED TO TONE DOWN THE VIOLENT STUFF. WE CAN'T HAVE THE HOST OF AN ETIQUETTE PROGRAM BE A "SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER" KINDA GUY.
I'M NOT, SIR.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I DON'T ASK QUESTIONS LATER.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE REACHING HIM.
NOW "SHOOT FIRST," SURE.

HEY, GOAT... DID YOU HEAR I'M FIGHTING HARD TO KICK THE CIRCUS OUT OF TOWN?... I DON'T LIKE HOW THEY TREAT THEIR ANIMALS.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. GO FOR THE JUGULAR.
WHY YOU PICKING ON THAT GUY?

GUARD DUCK'S ETIQUETTE PROGRAM
LISTEN, G.D. YESTERDAY YOU ADVISED SOME CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TOO EARLY. AND YOU JUST CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
UNDERSTOOD, SIR.
GREAT... MAYBE YOU CAN ADDRESS THAT ON THE AIR TODAY.
OF COURSE, SIR.
IN THREE... TWO...
FOLKS, YESTERDAY I ADVISED A CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TWO HOURS EARLY... AND THAT WAS WRONG.
SHOOT JUST OVER THEIR HEADS.
STATION BREAK!

GUARD DUCK GOT HIS OWN RADIO CALL-IN SHOW ALL ABOUT ETIQUETTE.
ETIQUETTE? WHAT'S HE KNOW ABOUT ETIQUETTE?
WELL, LIKE TODAY... SOME LISTENER CALLED IN ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE DINNER GUESTS WHO ARRIVE AT YOUR HOUSE TWO HOURS EARLY.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
SHOOT THEM.

HEY, COUNTRY DOCTOR JOE.
HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... ALL THEM H.M.O.'S IS BAD.
THEY'RE KILLING ME.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
H.M.O.'S... THEY'RE RUININ' MY PRACTICE.
MAKES ME SO MAD I GOTTA CHEW TAB TOBACCO.
THEY REALLY STRESS YOU OUT?
YESSSUH... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY STAFF... THEY IS A CIGAR CHEW.
YOU'RE SO STRESSED YOU HAVE TO SMOKE CIGARS?
YUP. BUT AIN'T NOTHIN' AS BAD AS THEM PATIENTS.
THEY IS SO BAD THEY HAVE TO CHEW THE FURRY RUG I HAS ON MY OFFICE FLOUR.
THEY'RE THAT BAD?
JUST LIKE THEY SAY.
WHAT DO THEY SAY?
THAT PATIENTS IS A FUR CHEW.
I VOTE WE EUTHANIZE HIM.

HEY, GOAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY CHIMP FRIEND, CHEAPO CHARLIE.
WHY DO YOU CALL HIM CHEAP?
WELL, LIKE RIGHT NOW, HE’S ONLY EATING HALF A DINNER, JUST SO HE CAN TAKE HOME THE OTHER HALF FOR LATER.
SWUUURP
SOUNDS WISE TO ME. WHY DOES THAT MAKE HIM CHEAP?
IT’S NOT HIS DINNER.
NEVER MIND.
DO YOU MIND?

RAT GOT A JOB AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK DOWNTOWN. HE’S ONE OF THOSE WALK-AROUND CHARACTERS.
WHICH ONE IS HE?
I DON’T KNOW. I THINK THEY LET HIM COME UP WITH HIS OWN…
HIS OWN? WHAT KIND OF LOVABLE CHARACTER COULD RAT DESIGN?
MEET DEPRESSO, THE OVERGROWN SAD KID

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA WATCHING?
THIS NEW STATION FROM BRITAIN. IT HAS ALL THESE STORIES ABOUT THE CHUNNEL.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE UNDERSEA RAIL TUNNEL THAT SPANS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL. IT'S ALL THIS NETWORK COVERS.
WHAT NETWORK?
THE ENGLISH CHANNEL CHUNNEL CHANNEL.
YOU SAD LITTLE MAN.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HEAVEN?
I KNOW IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT?
BECAUSE ONE TIME AT McDONALD'S, I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR A FAT GUY.
HE MUST BE SO GRATEFUL.
NOT REALLY... HE WALKED SO SLOW I LET THE DOOR CLOSE ON HIM AGAIN.

HEY, RAT. WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
IN HIS ROOM. HE JUST GOT A NEW MATTRESS.
WHAT KIND DID HE GET?
A QUEEN.
SHE'S MORE COMFORTABLE THAN SHE LOOKS.

'SUP, BRO?
NADA, YO. HELLA TIRED, THOUGH. YOU HOOK UP WITH LAUREN ?
I'M SORRY, BUT COULD YOU TWO MOVE?
I THINK I'M BREATHING SOME OF YOUR SECONDHAND STUPIDITY.
PEOPLE CAN BE SO INCONSIDERATE.

EXCUSE ME, RAT, BUT I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS ANTONIO. HE’S A PROFESSIONAL SOCCER PLAYER IN ITALY.
HEY. IT’S NICE TO—
MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA! HE BROKA MY LEG! HE BROKA MY LEG!
NOT ALL EUROPEAN SOCCER PLAYERS FAKE INJURIES.
CAN I BREAK HIS LEG FOR REAL?
PENALTY KICKOS! PENALTY KICKOS!

I NEED TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE. DO YOU THINK YOU TWO CAN PLAY SOMETHING NICE TOGETHER WHILE I'M GONE?
MEOW.
MEOW.
SOMETHING NICER.

HEY, GOAT...HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND BOBBY? HE'S ONE OF THOSE BLOW-UP FISH.
I THINK YOU MEAN PUFFER FISH.
KABOOM
NOPE.

HEY, PIG. IT'S GOAT.
WANT TO GET SOME COFFEE?
I CAN'T. I'M AT OLD MAN JOHNSON'S FARM AND I HAVE A BIT OF A CRISIS ON MY HANDS.
OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT HAPPENED?
THE POOR GUY KICKED THE BUCKET.
HE TOOK IT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

HEY THERE, MR. SNUFFLES... WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?
IT'S A LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT! OH, MR. SNUFFLES, WHY WOULD YOU WRITE SUCH A THING? YOU'RE SO YOUNG, DO YOU REALLY THINK SOMEONE LIKE YOU NEEDS THAT?
YOU ARE NOT KILLING HIM.
GRK*
RFFP*

Hullooo zeeba neighba.
Leesten... want come over, have bite of Happy Meal?
HAPPY MEAL? AS IN THE ONES FROM "McDONALD'S"?
As in prey who die wid smile.
We should have thrown in toy.