Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
BEING SMART.
HOW IS STANDING ON A BUCKET SMART?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, AND IT'S SO STUPID. SO WHAT IF TEMPS RISE ONE DEGREE? ALL THAT HAPPENS IS THAT THE OCEANS RISE A COUPLE FEET.
JUST STAND ON A BUCKET.
RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE ON A BUCKET? YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO PLACES, LIKE TO GET FOOD, AND SUPPLIES, AND WATER.
BRILLIANT.
THAT TRAIL LEADS TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
BEER RUN!

HEY, GOAT... LOOK... THIS IS ABOUT THE TIME EVERY NIGHT THAT PIG HAS A DREAM HE'S FALLING.
WHY'S HE DO THAT?
WHO KNOWS.

LOOK AT THOSE YOUNGSTERS SITTING AT THAT TABLE. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL OLD?
NOPE.
THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OLD?
YOU USE THE WORD YOUNGSTER.
THAT HURTS.
TRY THIS NEXT: 'HEY, YOU CHAPS! GET OFF MY LAWN!'

BAD NEWS, SAUL. I LOST MY WIFE.
OH MY GOODNESS, MORTY. SHE DIED?
NO. I LITERALLY CAN'T TELL WHICH ONE SHE IS.
WE REALLY SHOULD COME WITH NAMETAGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEIGHBORHOOD SWIMMING POOL.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT. I HEARD A 'FREAKONOMICS' PODCAST EXPLAINING THAT A BIG MOTIVE FOR CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT ALTRUISM, BUT SOCIAL PRESSURE.
SO HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HOW YOU —
NEIGHBOR BOB IS A CHEAP #*!& WHO HAS NOT GIVEN ONE BUCK TO —
HAPPY?
WOW. THAT'S GENEROUS OF YOU, BOB.
FLEE THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BOB.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, WILLIE.
WELL, HELLO, WILLIE... DO YOU ENJOY BEING A JOCKEY?
JOCKEY? I'M NOT A JOCKEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME THAT?
NOT EVERYONE SHORT IS A JOCKEY, YOU KNOW.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, DR. DONKEY... THE DOCTOR DID HIS UNDERGRADUATE WORK AT HARVARD, ATTAINED HIS MASTERS FROM OXFORD, AND RECEIVED HIS DOCTORATE AT BERKELEY.
SOUNDS LIKE A SMART ASS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY... LEGIT WORD FOR DONKEY, PAL.
ARRRGH... STUPID TECHNICALITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOE ?
IT'S ME AND MY WIFE'S 20th ANNIVERSARY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GET HER SOME FLOWERS.
WOW. TWENTY YEARS. WHAT'S THAT LIKE ?
PRETTY AMAZING, JOE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A SOUL MATE.
REALLY ?
REALLY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR EVERY PREDILECTION, YOUR EVERY QUIRK. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR MATTRESS. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR SOCKS ARRANGED.
BUT ENOUGH OF THIS CHIT CHAT. I HAVE A GIFT TO GIVE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVELY WIFE.
WIFE ? I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.
PENGUINS ARE SO HARD TO TELL APART.

HEY, I JUST READ A MARCEL PROUST NOVEL AND IT BROUGHT UP AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION.
GOOD FOR YOU, READING PROUST. WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
IT'S WHICH IS WORSE... BEING BURIED ALIVE IN A PITCH-DARK CONCRETE VAULT FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH NO HOPE OF ESCAPE, OR READING PROUST.
YOU COULD JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
SEE, IN THE DARK VAULT, YOU'D NEVER HAVE TO SEE A PROUST BOOK AGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY GIRL. I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER.
LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TATTOOS. THOSE CAN BE A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER.
REALLY?
YEAH. TRY IT.
PARDON ME, BUT COOL TAT OF THAT DRUM SET ON FIRE. IS THAT THE LOGO OF SOME METAL BAND?
IT'S TO COMMEMORATE THE NIGHTCLUB FIRE THAT TRAGICALLY KILLED MY FAVORITE UNCLE.
THAT WENT WELL.
PLEASE SHUT UP.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... IN THE PAST, WE PENGUINS HAVE STOOD AROUND WHILE ONE OF US IS BEING EATEN BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS "AT LEAST IT'S NOT ME" MENTALITY. BUT NO MORE. FROM NOW ON, WE STAND UP FOR EACH OTHER.
I GUESS I'M OLD SCHOOL.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... INSTEAD OF EATING US PENGUINS, WE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE THIS BUCKET OF HERRING.
TOSS
CLOMP
IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE AN APPETIZER.

IF YOU COULD KNOW HOW AND WHEN YOU DIE, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
OF COURSE.
WHY?
TO AVOID IT.
I'M NOT A MORON.

HEY, MORTY. WANT TO HANG OUT?
CAN'T, GEORGE. GOTTA WATCH THIS EGG.
DOESN'T YOUR WIFE DO THAT?
NO. WITH EMPEROR PENGUINS, IT'S THE GUY WHO INCUBATES THE EGG.
SO WHAT DOES THE WIFE DO?
GEE, GEORGE, I DON'T KNOW. BUT EVOLUTIONARILY SPEAKING, I ASSUME IT'S SOMETHING CRITICAL TO OUR SPECIES' SURVIVAL.
COCKTAIL!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY ROCK AND ROLL ACTION FIGURINES. THAT'S ROGER MCGUINN AND DAVID CROSBY OF THE BYRDS. AND THAT'S MICK JAGGER CLOSEST TO YOU.
OH, WOW... THE MICK JAGGER LOOKS SO COOL.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I KILLED TWO BYRDS WITH ONE STONE.
GOODBYE RUBY TOONBOY.

I'VE STARTED GOING TO CHURCH FOR ANSWERS TO LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE IF I DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN, AND FIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE, CAN I PUNCH THEM?
LET'S STOP TALKING NOW.
FUNNY. MY BIBLE STUDY GROUP SAID THE SAME THING.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THAT THING OVERHEAD?
IT'S A SURVEILLANCE DRONE. IT'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.
BECAUSE YOU SMELL FUNNY.
OKAY. THAT WAS IMMATURE.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
IT'S A DRONE. THEY'RE REMOTE-CONTROLLED PLANES USED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO HUNT DOWN TERRORISTS.
WHY WOULD IT BE FOLLOWING US?
MUST BE SOME NEW DEFENSE DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
THAT'S VERY INSULTING.

WELL, PIG. I'M OFF ON MY BIG TRIP TO SEE THE PARIS SIGHTS.
SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
WHY'S IT SOUND TERRIBLE.?
WHO PAYS MONEY TO SEE PARASITES.?
LET ME START OVER.
I COULD PROBABLY SHOW YOU A TAPEWORM FOR FREE.

HEY, POLAR BEAR, LOOK... THIS IS AN
ATLAS... WE PENGUINS LIVE HERE, SEE,
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GLOBE... AND
YOU POLAR BEARS ARE SUPPOSED TO
LIVE HERE, AT THE TOP OF THE GLOBE.
CLUMP
EDUCATION IS SO OVERRATED.

JACK AND JILL
WENT UP THE HILL
TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER.
JACK FELL DOWN
AND BROKE HIS CROWN
AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.
I TRIPPED THAT GUY,
SAID JILL WITH A SIGH,
TO GET JACK'S INHERITANCE SHARE.
I HEARD THAT BOAST,
SAID THE COP AT HIS POST
AND JILL GOT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE
CHILDREN'S NURSERY RHYMES.
HEY… IT
TEACHES
ACCOUNTABILITY.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS KEVIN. KEVIN IS WITH THE C.I.A.
AHHHHHHHHH!! THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS INVADING OUR HOMES!!
RUN!! FLEE!! HIDE!! THE FASCIST TAKEOVER OF OUR REPUBLIC HAS BEGUN!!
GUESS HE DOESN'T LIKE THE CULINARY INSTITUTE OF AMERICA.
COULD IT BE MY LINGUINE?

PARDON ME, SIR...BUT I BELIEVE THERE'S BEEN AN ATTACK ON THE HOME OF YOUR GOLDFISH.
AN ATTACK? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HE'S NOT THAT SUBTLE.

I HAVE AN IDEA, GUYS... IF WE ALL JUST JUMP OFF DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE ICE AT THE SAME TIME, WE CAN CONFUSE THAT POLAR BEAR AND ALL GET AWAY.
LET'S DO IT!
GO!
CLOMP
I FEEL KINDA BAD ABOUT THAT.

CHECK IT OUT, POLAR BEAR. WE PEN-GUINS HAVE GOTTEN SMARTER. NOW WE
STAND IN ONE BIG COLUMN. THAT WAY,
WE ALL STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THE ICE AS POSSIBLE...
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
GULP
TOPPLE
WE'VE HAD BETTER IDEAS.