Pearls Before Swine | Search

I CAN'T BELIEVE RAT IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
HE'S JUST NOT HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT CANDIDATES. FOR ONE THING, EACH OF THEM WEARS A SINGLE FLAG PIN IN THEIR LAPEL.
SO.?
SO I HAVE 137.
MAYBE I'LL WRITE IN MYSELF FOR PRESIDENT.
DON'T DO IT. YOU HAVE NO FLAG PINS.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW CITIZENS...
IF YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES.
WHAT NOW?!
UNSATISFIED WITH THE CURRENT SLATE OF NOMINEES, I, RAT, AM DECLARING MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR BIG ISSUE?
BUILDING A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALONG THE BORDER TO KEEP OUT ALL THESE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
YOU'RE GONNA BUILD A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA TO TEXAS TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS?
NO. FROM WASHINGTON TO MAINE TO KEEP OUT CANADIANS.
SUDDENLY, MY VOTER APATHY IS GROWING.
HEY! DIDN'T CANADA JUST UNVEIL A NEW WEAPON BY SNEAKING ACROSS THE BORDER?
HE'S FROM CANADA?
I THOUGHT WE LOVED CANADA.
THEY'RE FREAKIN' CANUCKS FOR A REASON.

WHY DO WE ALLOW PEOPLE TO BRIBE CONGRESSMEN?
WE DON'T. IT'S ILLEGAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? RICH CORPORATIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVING THESE IDIOTS MONEY TO VOTE A CERTAIN WAY.
YEAH, BUT THOSE AREN'T BRIBES. THEY'RE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS.
FOR THE SMART GUY IN THE STRIP, YOU'RE PRETTY MORONIC.

ALRIGHT, GUYS, SO I'LL JUMP TO MY DEATH FIRST, AND THAT'LL BE BOB'S CUE TO JUMP NEXT, AND THAT'LL BE MURRAY'S CUE, AND SO ON AND SO ON...GOT IT?
GOT IT
GOT IT
FINGERS CROSSED.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
VISITING MY FRIEND, BOB. HE'S IN THE DOGHOUSE.
WHAT'D HE DO WRONG?
NOTHING.
THEN WHY'S HE IN THE DOGHOUSE?
HE'S A DOG.
ANTHROPOMORPHIC ANIMAL STRIPS ARE SO CONFUSING.

HERES THAT BOOK YOU LET ME BORROW. THANKS.
WHAT THE @#&*! YOU UNDERLINED SENTENCES.
OH, YEAH, SORRY. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKES TO UNDERLINE AS I READ. IT'S JUST PENCIL, THOUGH.
I CAN ERASE IT IF IT UPSETS YOU.
I SENSE IT UPSETS HIM.

ALRIGHT, GUYS, THIS IS IT... DOES ANYONE WANT TO REFLECT BACK ON OUR LIVES BEFORE WE LEAP TO OUR DEATHS?
YEAH. FRED OWES ME FIVE BUCKS.
PERHAPS A TAD MORE REFLECTIVE.

I WROTE A SCREENPLAY ABOUT THIS HEROIC GUY, BUT I THINK IT'S MISSING SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ADDING SOME STRONG HEROINE?
CRACK
SAY NO TO DRUGS.

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SMARTPHONES JUST GET BETTER AND BETTER.

OKAY, GUYS, IF I JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF TO MY DEATH, WE ALL JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF TO OUR DEATHS.
Okay
Okay
SUCKER.

HEY, LOOK, A LEMMING JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
YEAH, WATCH... WHEN ONE LEMMING COMMITS SUICIDE, THEY ALL COMMIT SUICIDE.
LOSER.
OR MAYBE NOT.
I GET HIS CAR.
I GET HIS CONDO.
I GET HIS WIFE.
I GET HIS WIFE.

I THINK I'M GONNA OPEN UP MY OWN COFFEE SHOP.
I'LL HAVE A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY FOR EMPLOYEES WHO ARE RUDE TO CUSTOMERS.
REALLY?
YEAH. IF THEY'RE RUDE, I'D TOLERATE ZERO BEING DONE ABOUT IT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
HECK, I'D GIVE BONUSES.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE "MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD" DOS EQUIS ADS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM THE MOST INTERESTING COMIC STRIP CHARACTER IN THE WORLD.
WHY DID I KNOW THAT WAS COMING?
STAY LAUGHING, MY FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT.
IT'S ME, PIG.
WANT TO COME OVER?
I CAN'T, PIG. I'M GOING TO A WILD WEST THEME PARTY.
OOOH...
CAN I COME?
SURE. GOT A TEN-GALLON HAT?
MAYBE I'LL GO ALONE.

I HEAR YOU LOST YOUR RADIO JOB.
YES, SIR... I CLASHED WITH STATION MANAGEMENT.
WELL, I'LL GUARD DUCK, IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE, IT'S THAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
THEN I PICK ALL OF THEM.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
NOW THAT I'VE PICKED THEM, CAN I GO BACK AND FIGHT THEM?

LINE THREE, YOU'RE ON WITH G. D.
HI. WE HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE FREQUENTLY FOR DINNER. BUT THEY NEVER BRING WINE OR ANYTHING, AND THEY NEVER RECIPROCATE.
I SEE. WELL, ONE WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION IS TO SIMPLY TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.
ANOTHER IS TO MINE YOUR WALKWAY.
COMMERCIAL BREAK!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH GIVING THEM OPTIONS?

HEY, PIG, I GOTTA CALL RAT REAL QUICK. CAN YOU GIMME HIS NUMBER?
TWO.
TWO WHAT?
JUST TWO.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE ACTUAL PHONE NUMBERS BEYOND THE NUMBER THEY ARE ON YOUR SPEED DIAL.
WHOA...I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD ALL MY FRIENDS HAD SUCH CONVENIENT PHONE NUMBERS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. GIMME A TRIPLE BACON CHEESEBURGER.

ANYTHING ELSE?

HOW 'BOUT A LARGE ORDER OF CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

SURE. IS THAT ALL?
THROW IN A SALAD WITH CHUNKY BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. BUT MAKE SURE IT'S LOWFAT.
I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

LISTEN, ED, YOU REALLY NEED TO TONE DOWN THE VIOLENT STUFF. WE CAN'T HAVE THE HOST OF AN ETIQUETTE PROGRAM BE A "SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER" KINDA GUY.
I'M NOT, SIR.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I DON'T ASK QUESTIONS LATER.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE REACHING HIM.
NOW "SHOOT FIRST," SURE.

HEY, GOAT... DID YOU HEAR I'M FIGHTING HARD TO KICK THE CIRCUS OUT OF TOWN?... I DON'T LIKE HOW THEY TREAT THEIR ANIMALS.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. GO FOR THE JUGULAR.
WHY YOU PICKING ON THAT GUY?

GUARD DUCK'S ETIQUETTE PROGRAM
LISTEN, G.D. YESTERDAY YOU ADVISED SOME CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TOO EARLY. AND YOU JUST CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
UNDERSTOOD, SIR.
GREAT... MAYBE YOU CAN ADDRESS THAT ON THE AIR TODAY.
OF COURSE, SIR.
IN THREE... TWO...
FOLKS, YESTERDAY I ADVISED A CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TWO HOURS EARLY... AND THAT WAS WRONG.
SHOOT JUST OVER THEIR HEADS.
STATION BREAK!

GUARD DUCK GOT HIS OWN RADIO CALL-IN SHOW ALL ABOUT ETIQUETTE.
ETIQUETTE? WHAT'S HE KNOW ABOUT ETIQUETTE?
WELL, LIKE TODAY... SOME LISTENER CALLED IN ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE DINNER GUESTS WHO ARRIVE AT YOUR HOUSE TWO HOURS EARLY.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
SHOOT THEM.

HEY, COUNTRY DOCTOR JOE.
HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... ALL THEM H.M.O.'S IS BAD.
THEY'RE KILLING ME.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
H.M.O.'S... THEY'RE RUININ' MY PRACTICE.
MAKES ME SO MAD I GOTTA CHEW TAB TOBACCO.
THEY REALLY STRESS YOU OUT?
YESSSUH... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY STAFF... THEY IS A CIGAR CHEW.
YOU'RE SO STRESSED YOU HAVE TO SMOKE CIGARS?
YUP. BUT AIN'T NOTHIN' AS BAD AS THEM PATIENTS.
THEY IS SO BAD THEY HAVE TO CHEW THE FURRY RUG I HAS ON MY OFFICE FLOUR.
THEY'RE THAT BAD?
JUST LIKE THEY SAY.
WHAT DO THEY SAY?
THAT PATIENTS IS A FUR CHEW.
I VOTE WE EUTHANIZE HIM.

HEY, GOAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY CHIMP FRIEND, CHEAPO CHARLIE.
WHY DO YOU CALL HIM CHEAP?
WELL, LIKE RIGHT NOW, HE’S ONLY EATING HALF A DINNER, JUST SO HE CAN TAKE HOME THE OTHER HALF FOR LATER.
SWUUURP
SOUNDS WISE TO ME. WHY DOES THAT MAKE HIM CHEAP?
IT’S NOT HIS DINNER.
NEVER MIND.
DO YOU MIND?

RAT GOT A JOB AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK DOWNTOWN. HE’S ONE OF THOSE WALK-AROUND CHARACTERS.
WHICH ONE IS HE?
I DON’T KNOW. I THINK THEY LET HIM COME UP WITH HIS OWN…
HIS OWN? WHAT KIND OF LOVABLE CHARACTER COULD RAT DESIGN?
MEET DEPRESSO, THE OVERGROWN SAD KID