Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEIGHBORHOOD SWIMMING POOL.
GOOD FOR YOU. HOW'S IT GOING?
GREAT. I HEARD A 'FREAKONOMICS' PODCAST EXPLAINING THAT A BIG MOTIVE FOR CHARITABLE GIVING IS NOT ALTRUISM, BUT SOCIAL PRESSURE.
SO HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HOW YOU —
NEIGHBOR BOB IS A CHEAP #*!& WHO HAS NOT GIVEN ONE BUCK TO —
HAPPY?
WOW. THAT'S GENEROUS OF YOU, BOB.
FLEE THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BOB.

HEY THERE, GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, WILLIE.
WELL, HELLO, WILLIE... DO YOU ENJOY BEING A JOCKEY?
JOCKEY? I'M NOT A JOCKEY.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME THAT?
NOT EVERYONE SHORT IS A JOCKEY, YOU KNOW.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, DR. DONKEY... THE DOCTOR DID HIS UNDERGRADUATE WORK AT HARVARD, ATTAINED HIS MASTERS FROM OXFORD, AND RECEIVED HIS DOCTORATE AT BERKELEY.
SOUNDS LIKE A SMART ASS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY... LEGIT WORD FOR DONKEY, PAL.
ARRRGH... STUPID TECHNICALITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOE ?
IT'S ME AND MY WIFE'S 20th ANNIVERSARY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GET HER SOME FLOWERS.
WOW. TWENTY YEARS. WHAT'S THAT LIKE ?
PRETTY AMAZING, JOE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A SOUL MATE.
REALLY ?
REALLY. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOUR EVERY PREDILECTION, YOUR EVERY QUIRK. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR MATTRESS. HOW YOU LIKE YOUR SOCKS ARRANGED.
BUT ENOUGH OF THIS CHIT CHAT. I HAVE A GIFT TO GIVE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVELY WIFE.
WIFE ? I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.
PENGUINS ARE SO HARD TO TELL APART.

HEY, I JUST READ A MARCEL PROUST NOVEL AND IT BROUGHT UP AN INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION.
GOOD FOR YOU, READING PROUST. WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
IT'S WHICH IS WORSE... BEING BURIED ALIVE IN A PITCH-DARK CONCRETE VAULT FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH NO HOPE OF ESCAPE, OR READING PROUST.
YOU COULD JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.
SEE, IN THE DARK VAULT, YOU'D NEVER HAVE TO SEE A PROUST BOOK AGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY GIRL. I WISH I HAD THE COURAGE TO TALK TO HER.
LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TATTOOS. THOSE CAN BE A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER.
REALLY?
YEAH. TRY IT.
PARDON ME, BUT COOL TAT OF THAT DRUM SET ON FIRE. IS THAT THE LOGO OF SOME METAL BAND?
IT'S TO COMMEMORATE THE NIGHTCLUB FIRE THAT TRAGICALLY KILLED MY FAVORITE UNCLE.
THAT WENT WELL.
PLEASE SHUT UP.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... IN THE PAST, WE PENGUINS HAVE STOOD AROUND WHILE ONE OF US IS BEING EATEN BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS "AT LEAST IT'S NOT ME" MENTALITY. BUT NO MORE. FROM NOW ON, WE STAND UP FOR EACH OTHER.
I GUESS I'M OLD SCHOOL.

HEY, POLAR BEAR... INSTEAD OF EATING US PENGUINS, WE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE THIS BUCKET OF HERRING.
TOSS
CLOMP
IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO HAVE AN APPETIZER.

IF YOU COULD KNOW HOW AND WHEN YOU DIE, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
OF COURSE.
WHY?
TO AVOID IT.
I'M NOT A MORON.

HEY, MORTY. WANT TO HANG OUT?
CAN'T, GEORGE. GOTTA WATCH THIS EGG.
DOESN'T YOUR WIFE DO THAT?
NO. WITH EMPEROR PENGUINS, IT'S THE GUY WHO INCUBATES THE EGG.
SO WHAT DOES THE WIFE DO?
GEE, GEORGE, I DON'T KNOW. BUT EVOLUTIONARILY SPEAKING, I ASSUME IT'S SOMETHING CRITICAL TO OUR SPECIES' SURVIVAL.
COCKTAIL!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING WITH MY ROCK AND ROLL ACTION FIGURINES. THAT'S ROGER MCGUINN AND DAVID CROSBY OF THE BYRDS. AND THAT'S MICK JAGGER CLOSEST TO YOU.
OH, WOW... THE MICK JAGGER LOOKS SO COOL.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I KILLED TWO BYRDS WITH ONE STONE.
GOODBYE RUBY TOONBOY.

I'VE STARTED GOING TO CHURCH FOR ANSWERS TO LIFE'S BIG QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE IF I DIE AND GO TO HEAVEN, AND FIND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE, CAN I PUNCH THEM?
LET'S STOP TALKING NOW.
FUNNY. MY BIBLE STUDY GROUP SAID THE SAME THING.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT'S THAT THING OVERHEAD?
IT'S A SURVEILLANCE DRONE. IT'S BEEN FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.
BECAUSE YOU SMELL FUNNY.
OKAY. THAT WAS IMMATURE.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
IT'S A DRONE. THEY'RE REMOTE-CONTROLLED PLANES USED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO HUNT DOWN TERRORISTS.
WHY WOULD IT BE FOLLOWING US?
MUST BE SOME NEW DEFENSE DEPARTMENT EMPLOYEE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
THAT'S VERY INSULTING.

WELL, PIG. I'M OFF ON MY BIG TRIP TO SEE THE PARIS SIGHTS.
SOUNDS TERRIBLE.
WHY'S IT SOUND TERRIBLE.?
WHO PAYS MONEY TO SEE PARASITES.?
LET ME START OVER.
I COULD PROBABLY SHOW YOU A TAPEWORM FOR FREE.

HEY, POLAR BEAR, LOOK... THIS IS AN
ATLAS... WE PENGUINS LIVE HERE, SEE,
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GLOBE... AND
YOU POLAR BEARS ARE SUPPOSED TO
LIVE HERE, AT THE TOP OF THE GLOBE.
CLUMP
EDUCATION IS SO OVERRATED.

JACK AND JILL
WENT UP THE HILL
TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER.
JACK FELL DOWN
AND BROKE HIS CROWN
AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.
I TRIPPED THAT GUY,
SAID JILL WITH A SIGH,
TO GET JACK'S INHERITANCE SHARE.
I HEARD THAT BOAST,
SAID THE COP AT HIS POST
AND JILL GOT THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WRITE
CHILDREN'S NURSERY RHYMES.
HEY… IT
TEACHES
ACCOUNTABILITY.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS KEVIN. KEVIN IS WITH THE C.I.A.
AHHHHHHHHH!! THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS INVADING OUR HOMES!!
RUN!! FLEE!! HIDE!! THE FASCIST TAKEOVER OF OUR REPUBLIC HAS BEGUN!!
GUESS HE DOESN'T LIKE THE CULINARY INSTITUTE OF AMERICA.
COULD IT BE MY LINGUINE?

PARDON ME, SIR...BUT I BELIEVE THERE'S BEEN AN ATTACK ON THE HOME OF YOUR GOLDFISH.
AN ATTACK? HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HE'S NOT THAT SUBTLE.

I HAVE AN IDEA, GUYS... IF WE ALL JUST JUMP OFF DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE ICE AT THE SAME TIME, WE CAN CONFUSE THAT POLAR BEAR AND ALL GET AWAY.
LET'S DO IT!
GO!
CLOMP
I FEEL KINDA BAD ABOUT THAT.

CHECK IT OUT, POLAR BEAR. WE PEN-GUINS HAVE GOTTEN SMARTER. NOW WE
STAND IN ONE BIG COLUMN. THAT WAY,
WE ALL STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THE EDGE OF THE ICE AS POSSIBLE...
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
GULP
TOPPLE
WE'VE HAD BETTER IDEAS.

RAT'S BUILDING US A BARBED WIRE FENCE.
WHY DO YOU NEED A BARBED WIRE FENCE?
TO PROVIDE US WITH A LITTLE PROTECTION.
AGAINST WHOM?
THIS SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I DON’T KNOW… I WAS SITTING HERE WATCHING T.V. AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK.
LOOKS LIKE SOME-ONE HIT YOU ON THE HEAD. THERE’S A BIG BUMP.
WHO COULD HAVE HIT ME ON THE HEAD? THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE HOME.
NO ONE EVER SUSPECTS THE GOLDFISH.

OKAY, TEAM, WE NEED A TEAM NAME... I'M THINKING "THE MAULERS" OR "THE PILLAGERS"!
HOW ABOUT "THE CHANDRAGUPTAS"?
WHAT'S A "CHANDRAGUPTA", CARLA?
HE WAS A GREAT EMPEROR IN INDIA WHO VOLUNTARILY GAVE UP ALL HIS POWER TO BECOME A MONK. HE WOULD BE A WONDERFUL INSPIRATION FOR A TEAM THAT PLANS TO FORFEIT ALL ITS GAMES.
CARLA MIGHT NOT GET A LOT OF PLAYING TIME.
THEN AGAIN, HE DID STARVE HIMSELF TO DEATH.

AND THAT'S OUR PLAN FOR WINNING TODAY AGAINST RIBLET ELEMENTARY. ANY QUESTIONS?
YES, COACH. I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT, CARLA?
WELL, NOT TO GET TOO METAPHYSICAL, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK ALL HUMANITY IS ONE. YOU KNOW, ONE ENERGY. ONE LOVE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CARLA?
WELL, IT GOT ME TO THINKING...EVERY TIME WE WIN, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO LOSE. AND MAYBE THAT OTHER PERSON FEELS BAD.
SO?
SO IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE BROTHERHOOD OF HUMANITY, THAT SADNESS I CAUSE TO MY BROTHER BY WINNING IS ACTUALLY MY OWN.
AND HAS THIS GAME TO DO WITH NOT HAVING TO DO ANY PUSHUPS AFTER?
FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT!
MAYBE NEXT TIME I WON'T ASK FOR QUESTIONS.
TWEET! METAPHYSICA FORFEIT.