Pearls Before Swine | Search

An Open Letter to Everyone in the World Who Writes Open Letters
No one cares what you think.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO REACH THOSE PEOPLE.

HEY.. YOU'RE FINALLY MOVING PEOPLE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU REVERSED MY COMIC STRIP.
NO, I MEAN GET THEM TO MOVE, LIKE, TO LOOK AT SOMETHING IN A MIRROR.
YOU MEAN AFFECT THEM EMOTIONALLY?
DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO MOVE PEOPLE WITH A COMIC STRIP?

WAAAHHHHH!
OH NO, BOOKIE BABY... IS YOUR WITTLE BOTTLE EMPTY? I’M AFRAID WE’RE OUT OF MILK!
THEN GIVE ME A JACK AND COKE.
THIS FEELS WRONG.

OKAY, PAL, THE RESORT SAYS I CAN GIVE YOU AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU WANT...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
OHMYGANDO! BURGERS! FRIES!! PIZZA! TACOS!!
I HAVE CHERRIES, OLIVES, AND A LIME WEDGE.
WE BARTENDERS HAVE LIMITED OPTIONS.

LISTEN, I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU SOME FOOD AND SAVE YOU FROM STARVING AND DYING A GRUESOME DEATH. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU GO ON YELP RIGHT NOW AND GIVE THIS RESORT A LITTLE BIT BETTER REVIEW.
OF COURSE! I'D LOVE TO! BUT MY IPHONE HAS NO CHARGE! CAN I YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET BACK TO CIVILIZATION AND CHARGE MY PHONE?
IT'S SAD YOU'RE BEING SO UNREASONABLE.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
SCOTCH AND SODA
WHO ARE YOU?
THE RESORT SENT ME. THEY SAID YOU GAVE THEM A BAD REVIEW ON 'YELP' AND THEY WANTED TO TRY TO FIX THINGS BY SETTING UP A BAR.
BUT I'M STARVING. I NEED FOOD.
YOU ARE SO HARD TO PLEASE.

A Summary of Life at its Various Stages
TODDLER
Life is unfamiliar.
TEEN
Life is aggravating.
20s
Life is to be conquered.
30s
Life cannot be conquered.
40s
Life has conquered me.
50s
Life, I’m starting to figure you out.
60s
Life, I’m going to savor every moment of you before it’s too late.
70s
Life is over.
WELL, THAT’S UPLIFTING.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT WE’RE NOT ALL BORN AS 70-YEAR-OLD BABIES.
SO THAT’S WHY OLD FOLKS WEAR DIAPERS!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A STUDY OF THE AMOUNT OF TIME I'VE LOST IN MY LIFE DUE TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T ACCELERATE AT GREEN LIGHTS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY DOING SOMETHING ON THEIR SMARTPHONE.
HOW MUCH TIME?
SEVEN MILLION YEARS.
THAT SEEMS HIGH.
THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE.

HEY, RAT. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
GIMME A RUM AND COKE. AND GIMME A GIN AND TONIC FOR MY BOOKIE.
SORRY, RAT, BUT I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE YOUR FRIEND'S I.D.
WHAT FOR?
HE LOOKS A LITTLE YOUNG.
IT'S THAT @#$%&* DIAPER.

HEY, RAT...THAT LITTLE BOOKIE BABY OF YOURS IS AT THE DOOR. HE SAYS YOU OWE HIM TWO GRAND ON THE PHILLY GAME.
WHO CARES? HE'S A BABY. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
WAAAAAAA
MY, YOU PAID HIM FAST.
BABIES CAN BE SO @#$%^& RUTHLESS.

LISTEN, LARRY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
STOP CHASING ME. I'M MUCH FASTER
THAN YOU ON LAND. YOUR ONLY
ADVANTAGE IS IN THE WATER. AND IT
WOULD TAKE A PRETTY BRILLIANT PLAN
TO GET ME TO JUMP IN THERE.
Help. Me drowning.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
ALRIGHT, LISTEN. IF YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE STRANDED ON THIS ISLAND WITH NO MEANS OF COMMUNICATION, NO SHELTER, AND NO FOOD, WE MIGHT AS WELL WORK TOGETHER IN THE SPIRIT OF A TEAM.
You lost me at 'no food!'
YOU'RE REALLY HURTING TEAM SPIRIT.

YOU KNOW, STEPH, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK ANY OF US ASKED YOU TO JOIN OUR BASKETBALL TEAM. WOULD YOU LIKE TO?
SURE, PIG. I PLAYED A LOT OF BASKETBALL IN THE EARLY '80s. MATTER OF FACT, I PROBABLY STILL HAVE MY OLD BASKETBALL SHORTS.
SHORTS ARE A LITTLE LONGER NOW, STEPH.
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

PARDON ME, BUT ALL THE TABLES IN THIS CAFE ARE FULL. MIND IF I SHARE YOURS?
SURE. GO AHEAD.
VRRRRRRRRR
VRRRRRR
CLANG
CURRENTLY IN ANTISOCIAL GLOBE O'GOODNESS
YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.
SORRY. CAN'T HEAR SQUAT.

I HATE HOW IN THIS P.C. AGE, WE ALL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EXPRESS OUR TRUE OPINIONS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO EXPRESS YOUR OPINION.
MEN WHO WEAR SWEATER VESTS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BREED.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THEIR KIND WILL NOT BE MISSED.

HEY, PIG... WHERE'S
PAT? I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA
WATCH THE GAME
WITH US.
HE FORGOT
TO PLACE A
BET WITH
HIS BOOKIE.
HE'S GOING TO
PLACE A BET
NOW? ISN'T IT
A BIT LATE?
HE SAYS HE
CAN STILL
REACH HIM.
TWO G'S ON PHILLY.

HEY, GOAT. I NEED CASH FAST... I’VE FALLEN BEHIND ON MY DEBT TO A BOOKIE.
OH, GOODNESS. IS HE THREATENING TO HURT YOU?
I WILL STAB YOU WITH MY DIAPER’S SAFETY PIN.
IT’S A LONG STORY.

MY BOOKIE'S COMING OVER. WANT TO PLACE ANY BETS?
I THOUGHT YOUR BOOKIE GOT ARRESTED.
HE DID. I GOT A NEW ONE...HE'S THE JOHNSON'S KID.
ISN'T HE A LITTLE YOUNG?
YOU TAKING PHILLY AND THE POINTS?
A LITTLE.
OH, ***, I THINK I MADE A POO-POO.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN, YOU AND I MIGHT BE STUCK ON THIS ISLAND, BUT NOT FOR LONG BECAUSE I HAVE AN iPHONE AND I CAN CAL-- HEY! WHY IS MY BATTERY AT ZERO?
Me was checking Facebook.
Me sort of addicted.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Wife kick me out of house. Me start swimming. Me get lost.
AND YOU SOMEHOW END UP 3000 MILES AWAY ON THE SAME TINY ISLAND I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING ON? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD THINK THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE
THAT HURTS.

ME AND MY BUDDY HERB TOOK FISHING LESSONS FROM FISHERMAN RICK TODAY.
OH, YEAH? THAT FISHERMAN RICK SURE IS A NICE GUY. YEAH, BUT THEN HERB STARTED EATING THE ANCHOVIES WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BAIT OUR HOOKS WITH.
OH, NO.
YEAH, SO WE EXCHANGED A FEW WORDS WITH FISHERMAN RICK AND HE KICKED US RIGHT OUT.
REALLY? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE RICK TO ME. TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID AND WHAT YOU SAID WHEN HE TOLD YOU TO BAIT YOUR HOOKS.
SIR. BAIT 'EM.
HERB ATE 'EM.
VERBATIM?
CUR.
HATE 'EM.

I LOVE READING THIS 'MISS MANNERS' COLUMN. SO FEW PEOPLE HAVE GOOD MANNERS.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE MANNERS?
MANNERS ARE THE THINGS WE USE TO HIDE OUR REAL INTENTIONS.
NO.
SEE, RIGHT NOW I WANT TO CRUSH GOAT, BUT I'LL BE POLITE AND JUST HIT HIM LIGHTLY.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I PAID FOR A FOUR-STAR ISLAND RESORT AND I GET THIS PLACE. WHAT MORE CAN GO WRONG?
NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, ZEBRA.. HOW DID YOU END UP ON THIS ISLAND?
THE RESORT PEOPLE DROPPED ME OFF HERE.
THE RESORT PEOPLE ABANDONED YOU ON A TINY DESERTED ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?
I HATE TO COMPLAIN..
HE IS SO POLITE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT ZEBRA WENT ON VACATION?
WHERE TO?
THE CARIBBEAN… HE WANTED AN ISLAND RESORT WITH A NICE VIEW AND A REMOTE LOCATION.
HOW REMOTE?
I EXPECTED MORE.