Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M EXPANDING PIG'S VOCABULARY. TODAY'S WORD WAS DEFENESTRATION, WHICH MEANS THE ACT OF THROWING SOMEONE OUT A WINDOW.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND IS THE BEST WAY OF TEACHING NEW WORDS?
LEARNING CAN BE A PAINFUL PROCESS.

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.
HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL.
ALL THE KING'S HORSES AND ALL THE KING'S MEN, COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN.
SO HUMPTY SUED THE KING'S MEN FOR MALPRACTICE.
AND SUED THE WALL'S ENGINEER FOR DEFECTIVE DESIGN.
AND SUED FOR NEGLIGENCE.
MAKING HUMPTY RICH.
AND SITTING ON THE WALL DIFFERENT.
WALLS HEIGHT NOT TO EXCEED SIX INCHES!
SITTING FEES REQUIRED
HELMET TO BE WORN AT ALL TIMES!
COMPLIMENTARY HAIR CUSHION
"SIT AT YOUR OWN RISK"
Tighten your strap, Timmy.
MUST SIGN WAIVER
THE LAWYER'S BOOK OF FAIRY TALES GIVES THEM AN UPDATED FEEL.
YAYYY FOR OUR LEGAL SYSTEM!!! YAYYY!!!

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON SUPERSTRING THEORY.
THERE'S A THEORY BEHIND THAT?
OF COURSE. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST INTRIGUING PROBLEMS IN ALL OF PHYSICS.
DON'T YOU JUST POINT THE CAN AND SPRAY?
YOU'RE THINKING OF SILLY STRING.
HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.

Okay, zeeba neighba. Crocs tried getting laughed at. Decide change image to interdimating warrior guy who wear facepaint.
YOU MEAN LIKE A NATIVE AMERICAN WARRIOR??
Yeah.
No.
Guy look sooooooooo intimidated.

HEY, ZEBRA, I'M AFRAID ONE OF YOUR OUTGOING PACKAGES WAS UNDELIVERABLE... IT JUST SAYS 'TO SOME PLACE VERY FAR AWAY.'
I DIDN'T SEND THAT. WHAT'S IN IT?
Meow.
SNUFFLES!

WHY ARE BALD, SKINNY GUYS WITH GLASSES AND NEATLY TRIMMED BEARDS ALWAYS SO AWKWARD AND LONELY?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED A BLATANT OVER-GENERALIZATION. AND WHEN YOU MAKE A STATEMENT LIKE THAT, IT MAKES YOU LOOK UNINFORMED.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WHY ARE HOMEY GOATS ALWAYS SO ARGUMENTATIVE?

LOOK, PIG... I GOT A REMOTE-CONTROLLED CAR FOR MY CATS TO PLAY WITH.
HOW CUTE. IS IT HELPING SNUFFLES BOND WITH THE NEW KITTY? :)
KSHHH
ZOOOOOOM
NOT SO MUCH.

LOOK, PIG... I GOT A NEW KITTY CAT TO KEEP MR. SNUFFLES COMPANY.
HOW ARE THE TWO OF THEM GETTING ALONG?
THEY'RE ADJUSTING.

Hey, Rat. What's up?
Did you 'poke' me on Facebook?
Yeah. I think I did. Why?
Run Run Run Run Run
KAPOOOSHHH
Poked you back.
Some trends have to be stopped.

BOY, THAT GIRL IS PRETTY.
PIG, STARING LIKE THAT MAKES WOMEN UNCOMFORTABLE... YOU HAVE TO BE SUBTLE ABOUT IT. WATCH HOW OTHER GUYS DO IT.
NEVER MIND.
SO THAT'S WHAT SUBTLE MEANS.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
BUYING A NEW CALENDAR FROM THE SCHOOL SUPPLY STORE. I LOST MY OLD ONE AND NEED TO KEEP TRACK OF MY SOCIAL LIFE.
HEY... SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY?
HMM... LET ME CHECK... NOPE. CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU GOT GOING ON?
BERYLLIUM.
PIG, YOU BOUGHT A PERIODIC TABLE.
I'D SAY SATURDAY, BUT IT'S LOOKING LIKE TUNGSTEN.

I HEAR THE CROC ARE TRYING A NEW WAY TO KILL YOU.
YEP. GUERRILLA WARFARE. BUT I DON'T THINK THEY REALLY GRASP THE CONCEPT.
You got beeg butt, Bob.
Shut mouf, Burt.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, CHICO THE UNBORN CHICK.
WHY HASN'T HE HATCHED YET?
BECAUSE THE WORLD'S FILLED WITH IDIOTS.
THIS COULD CATCH ON.

HEEEEEEEE, STORKEY STORK.
I SENSE NOT.
FLY TO HIM, STORKEY STORK, FLY!!

WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN A REPLICA OF THE ALAMO?
BECAUSE EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I AM BESIEGED BY MORONS. THIS IS MY LAST STAND AGAINST THEM.
THE ALAMO?
THE ALAMORON.
ALAMO? DON'T YOU GUYS RENT CARS?
AHHHH, REMEMBER THE ALAMORON!

SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE LEAVING YOU. I CANNOT TOLERATE YOU LIKE THIS.
Like whuh?
LOOK AT YOU. NO JOB. NO EDUCATION. YOUR HEAD IN A BEER MUG. YOU ARE, IN SHORT, WHAT SOCIETY MIGHT CALL A FAILURE.
I'm sorry. But goodbye.
Bye, Dad. Me sorry me no huh you wanted.
HE MAY BE A FAILURE, BUT HE'S MY FAILURE, GAT ** IT!!
Nicest ting anyone ever say 'bout me.
I KNOW. NOW GET YOUR A** OUT OF THE BEER MUG.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GOOD OLD-FASHIONED NAMES LIKE BOB AND ED AND JANE? HOW COME EVERY KID NOWADAYS HAS TO HAVE SOME UNIQUE, CUTESY NAME LIKE JAEDEN AND BRAYLEE AND JADEN AND SHAWN-LEE?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE NAMES?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S TRYING TO OUT-UNIQUE EVERYONE ELSE! WHERE DOES IT END? SOMEONE'S GONNA GET CARRIED AWAY AND NAME THEIR KID DINKY-McGOOGLE?
DID YOU CALL OUR SON'S NAME?
UHH... I DON'T THINK SO...
C'MON, DINK, HE MUST BE TALKING TO ANOTHER DINKY-McGOOGLE.

LARRY, YOUR MOTHER AND I PULLED MANY STRINGS SO YOU COULD MATRICULATE AT STANFORD... AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR EDUCATION?
Me trick you late?
MATRICULATE, LAWRENCE. MATRICULATE. AND WE PROVIDED YOU WITH $52,000 A YEAR FOR TUITION. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THOSE FUNDS?
It pretty gud invesment.

LARRY'S PARENTS COME FOR A VISIT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LARRENCE... YOUR MOTHER AND I COME FOR A ONE-WEEK VISIT AND THIS IS HOW WE FIND YOU?? WITH YOUR BACKSIDE SHOVED INTO A BEER MUG? IS THIS HOW YOU SPEND EVERY NIGHT?
No.
Sometimes me shove face in chicken bucket.
PERHAPS WE'LL LEAVE BEFORE DINNER.
Stay.
We got chicken.

CARRY.
Whuh you want, naomom? barry busy proving he can shove entire butt into beer mug.
YOUR PARENTS ARE HERE.
Harder den it looks.

MY IDIOT CROC NEIGHBOR, LARRY, IS HAVING HIS PARENTS OVER NEXT WEEK.
THAT BEER-SWILLING BEAST HAS PARENTS?
YEAH...CAN YOU IMAGINE THE KIND OF NEANDERTHAL GATHERING THAT'S GONNA BE?
AND MAY I TAKE ALONG THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SIR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?
IF, PERFORCE, YOU MUST, DEAR.

WHAT'S GOING ON, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
I'M TRAINING FOR A RACE. I NEED TO BE JUST THE RIGHT WEIGHT. ONE EXTRA POUND MEANS BEING 8% LESS EFFICIENT ON HILL CLIMBS.
BUT YOU'RE ALREADY SO FIT, AND YOUR BIKE IS AS LIGHT AS CAN BE... WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO TO DROP WEIGHT?
CHANGE THE SPELLING OF MY NAME FROM 'JEFF' TO 'JEF'.
ONE 'F' LIGHTER!
JEF THINKS OF EVERYTHING!

HEY THERE, PIG. I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW MATTRESS. MIND IF I HAVE A LOOK?
SURE. IT'S ONE OF THOSE MEMORY FOAM ONES.
OHHH, THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GREAT. DO YOU LIKE IT?
NO.
IT'S BAD.
BAD HOW?
AND REMEMBER THE TIME EVERYONE BUT YOU GOT A VALENTINE AND YOU CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME?
BAD MEMORIES.
OH. AND REMEMBER THE TIME YOU SPLIT YOUR PANTS PLAYING TETHERBALL?

HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THOSE ELECTRONIC SIGNS THE CITY PUTS BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TELLING YOU THE SPEED YOU'RE DRIVING?
YEAH. THEY'RE TO MAKE YOU SLOW DOWN.
OH.
'OH' WHAT?
I KEEP TRYING TO SET A SPEED RECORD.
PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME.
SO THE NUMBERS ARE NOT SENT TO THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS'?

Hullooo zeeba neighba. Leesten. Croc start barber shop. Want haircut?
I don't think I'd feel comfortable with your barber.
Whuh wrong wid barber?
Guy juss lack people skills.