Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT KIND OF POKER GAME IS THIS? WE'VE GOT NO GRAPHICS CIGARS.
I HAVE SOME OLD ONES AT HOME. OR I CAN BUY SOME NEW ONES AT THE STORE.
FINE. AND WHERE ARE THE GRAPHICS POKER CHIPS?
I CAN BORROW SOME FROM MY NEIGHBOR. THEY'RE ALL BLUE, IF THAT'S OKAY.
SOMETHING OLD! SOMETHING NEW! SOMETHING BORROWED! SOMETHING BLUE!
SOME GUYS YOU JUST DON'T INVITE TO POKER NIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M TAKING GOMER GOLDFISH FOR A WALK... HE PUSHES AGAINST THE FRONT OF THE BOWL AND IT MAKES HIM ROLL FORWARD. I FIGURE IT'S A WAY FOR HIM TO SEE THE WORLD.
CURBS ARE TRICKY.

HONEY, I'VE CARVED A HOLE IN THE ICE SO YOU CAN FISH WITHOUT HAVING TO JUMP IN THE WATER AND CONFRONT THAT POLAR BEAR.
CLUMP
I SENSE A FLAW IN YOUR PLAN.

LOOK, DEAR... A GREENPEACE SHIP. THEY'RE THE GUYS WHO SAVE WHALES. SWIM OUT THERE AND SEE IF THEY SAVE PENGUINS, TOO.
HONEY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S AN ACTUAL GREEN- PEACE SHIP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I'M A GENIUS THAT WAY.

DO YOU EVER PRAY?
JUST THE GENIUS PRAYER.
WHAT'S THAT?
GOD GRANT ME THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT, SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I'VE CHANGED, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW I'M DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.
DON'T TRY USING IT. YOU DON'T QUALIFY.

COACH RAT... I HAVE A QUESTION. WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT THAT WE WIN?
BECAUSE, CARLA, WINNERS ARE LOVED. WINNERS ARE REMEMBERED. WINNERS ARE IMMORTAL.
OH, YEAH. LIKE THE TEAM THAT WON THE 1952 N.B.A. TITLE.
WHO'S THAT?
EXACTLY.
LET'S ALL GIVE THE SILENT TREATMENT TO CARLA.

OUR SOLE GOAL IS TO WIN.
BUT NOT JUST TO WIN. TO DOMINATE.
TO CRUSH OUR OPPONENT.
BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE WAR!
AND IN WAR, THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS!
SO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!
BECAUSE AS JOSEPH STALIN ONCE SAID, "YOU CAN’T MAKE AN OMELETTE WITHOUT BREAKING A FEW EGGS"!!!
HE REALLY SHOULDN’T BE COACHING A LITTLE GIRLS’ BASKETBALL TEAM.
WHO’S JOSEPH STALIN?

YO, BRO, WASSUP? YOU CATCH THAT GAME LAST NIGHT? IT WAS SICK.
I'M SORRY, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE THIS DISCUSSION.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I'M ON THE NATIONAL "DO NOT TALK" REGISTRY, AND YOU'RE VIOLATING IT.
HELLUVA WACK, BRO.
STOP NOW, OR YOU'LL BE FINED.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE AN OPTIMIST OR A PESSIMIST?
I'M AN OPTIMIST...
...WHO IS ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED.
I'M A DISAPPOINTIMIST.
NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND THAT.
IT'S OKAY. I'M OPTIMISTIC YOU'LL GET SMARTER.

GUYS, GUYS, I HAVE AN ADMISSION TO MAKE:
FOR 12 YEARS, I'VE BEEN ARTIFICIALLY
IMPROVING THE WRITING OF THIS STRIP
THROUGH THE PURCHASE AND USE OF H.E.D.s,
OR 'HUMOR ENHANCING DRUGS.'
I'M SORRY.
I'M ASHAMED.
AND I'M SURE YOU HAVE
QUESTIONS.
CAN YOU TRIPLE THE DOSAGE?
I'M ON PLENTY
ALREADY,
THANKS.
DOES 'ENHANCE'
MEAN
DECREASE?

LOOK, HONEY… A DEAD HERRING LYING THERE ON THAT ICE. GO OVER AND GET IT FOR US…
HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S NOT A TRICK OF THAT POLAR BEAR…?

NOT A TRICK
LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT A TRICK.

HONEY. I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE TODAY. I FEAR THAT BEAR IS NEAR.
HE'S NOT. I CAN SEE MUCH FURTHER THAN USUAL TODAY. AND I SEE NO SIGN OF HIM IN ANY DIRECTION.
THAT'S ODD. I CAN SEE FURTHER, TOO.
PERSPECTIVE IS SUCH A TRICKY THING.

I HEARD PIG BOUGHT HIS MOM ONE OF THOSE CHAIRS THAT YOU PLUG INTO THE WALL AND IT GIVES YOU THOSE GREAT MASSAGES.
YEAH, BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT IT.
WHY NOT?
I THINK IT'S HOW HE PRESENTED IT.
Hope you enjoy the electric chair!

HEY, PIG, LET ME GET A PHOTO OF THE TWO OF US TOGETHER IN THIS CAFE.
WHO YOU GONNA GET TO TAKE THE PHOTO?
ME. THE iPHONE HAS A LENS ON BOTH THE FRONT AND BACK. SO I JUST PICK THE FRONT LENS, AND LOOK, I CAN SEE THE BOTH OF US.
HOW NEAT.
YEAH... OKAY, NOW SMILE...
THAT FEATURE SHOULD COME WITH WARNINGS.

I JUST TRIED TO ASK THAT WOMAN OUT AND SHE CALLED ME A PATHETIC NERD.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
THANK YOU.
NOT FAIR TO PATHETIC NERDS.
UN-THANK YOU.
THEY HAVE MUCH MORE DIGNITY THAN YOU.

HEY, TOON BOY... INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS ARE GOING OFF ON YOUR POLAR BEAR / PENGUIN STRIPS. THEY SAY YOU'RE A MORON FOR NOT KNOWING THAT THE LATTER LIVE AT THE SOUTH POLE WHILE THE FORMER LIVE AT THE NORTH.
CRACK
THAT'S THE ONLY MATURE WAY OF HANDLING INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS.

DEAR, I KNOW YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT THERE AND CATCH FISH FOR YOU. BUT THAT POLAR BEAR IS STILL OUT THERE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT'S HIM?
I HAVE A FEEL FOR THESE THINGS.

HONEY, GO CATCH US SOME FISH. I'M HUNGRY.
DEAR... LOOK.
YOU'RE NOT HERE TO EAT US, ARE YOU?
UH... NO.
YOU'RE SAFE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, GOAT?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN AMAZED BY MADAME CURIE'S WORK ON RADIOACTIVITY. SO I THOUGHT I'D CREATE A TRIBUTE CITY. I CALL "IN AWE OF CURIE."
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
NOT REALLY. A STRAY CAT CHEWED ON SOME OF THE WIRES AND DIED.
SO CURIE AWE CITY KILLED THE CAT?
YOU RADIATE UNFUNNINESS.

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE.
SQUISH SQUISH
PLEASE DON'T ADD VERSES TO NURSERY RHYMES.
LIVING IN SHOES HAS ITS RISKS.

I HAVE TO RUN HOME AND WRITE A PAPER ON A FOREIGN DICTATOR FOR OUR CIVICS CLASS TOMORROW.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO TO WRITE ABOUT.
HMMM...
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT AND THEY GAVE HIM SOME PAINKILLER, SO HE'S LOOPY.
WAIT. HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT. THE PAIN GOES AWAY.
DON'T BE SAD, PIG. HE HAD HIS WISDOM TEETH TAKEN OUT. THE PAIN GOES AWAY.
HEY GUYS, IT SOUNDS LIKE THOSE DRUGS ARE MAKING YOU A LITTLE INSANE.
YEAH, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE YOU TO ME. YOU SOUND—
WELL, YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE IT TO ME.
GREAT IDEA, PIG. THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHAT THE @#!! JUST HAPPENED?
WELL... IT'S NO REASON TO SWEAR. THAT'S NOT NICE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET A GUY HERE NAMED BOB. I MET HIM ON FACEBOOK; BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
DOESN'T HE HAVE A PROFILE PHOTO?
HIS PHOTO IS JUST THAT "FACEBOOK" GUY WITH THE WHITE SILHOUETTE AGAINST A BLUE BACKGROUND.
I HATE THAT. IT ALWAYS MAKES ME WONDER WHAT THE PERSON REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
PIG?
BOB?
CHECK, PLEASE.

RATS "BEERNARD AMUSEMENT PARK"
HEY, DUDE, LET'S GO SEE THIS GREAT MOMENT WITH MR. WASHINGTON
YO, BRO, IS HE ONE OF THOSE MECHANICAL FIGURES LIKE LINCOLN?
YO, BRO, LIKE, NO.
DUDE, HE LOOKS ALMOST REAL.
POKE AND SEE.
POKE ME AND I KICK YOU IN THE OOOMP LOOMPAS.
GEORGE, GEORGE... ACT PRESIDENTIAL.

CHECK IT OUT, GOMER GOLDFISH. I GOT YOU SOME PLASTIC CORAL TO DECORATE YOUR FISH BOWL.
OH, WOW!...MAY I BORROW YOUR PHONE SO I CAN ASK MY PRIEST A QUESTION?
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO ASK?
IF I'VE DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
SARCASM MUST BE A GOLDFISH SPECIALTY.

GEORGE WASHINGTON AT A BAR
hey, george, you're really striking out with the ladies. why don't you -
hang on a sec... I want to leave a dollar for the bartender and -
and... whaddya know.. lookee whose face that is... must be quite the stud to have his face on the nation's currency.
women are so hard to impress.