Pearls Before Swine | Search

OKAY, BOYS, I'VE LINED UP A GAME AGAINST AN OPPONENT THAT I THINK IS BEATABLE.
WHY ARE THEY BEATABLE?
BECAUSE AT HALFTIME WE HAVE TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
THAT SHOULD HELP.
IT'S WHY YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OF LEMMINGS IN THE N.B.A.

HEY THERE, PIG... HOW'S THE BASKETBALL TEAM?
GOOD... MY LARGE BUTT HAS BEEN A BIG ADVANTAGE.
HOW CAN A LARGE--
DUNK
NEVER MIND.
AND THAT'S JUST BOUNCING OFF ONE CHEEK.

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten. Crocs now has zip line into you house.
HOW'D YOU LEARN ABOUT ZIP LINES?
None of you bisness. Point is you safe.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Oh? You no beleeve?
HEY, LARRY! YOU READY GRAB ZIP LINE, SHOW ZEEBA NEIGHBA WHUH EEDIOT HE EES!?
ME READY!
AUUUGHhhha
Whoa. Zip line got lot of zip.

THE MONOPOLY TOKENS DECIDE WHO GETS ELIMINATED
WELL, NOW THAT THE IRON IS GONE, I SUPPOSE IT'S TIME TO START PLANNING THE WELCOME PARTY FOR THE NEWEST TOKEN.
A CAT?
HOW WONDERFUL. WHAT'S THE NEW TOKEN?
I WILL CHEW SOMEONE'S LEG OFF FOR THIS.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD LEAVE SCOTTIE OFF THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE.

ALRIGHT. LET'S START WITH THE TOKENS WE KNOW ARE UNIVERSALLY LOVED. ME, THE SHIP, THE DOG.
WHOA. WHO SAYS THE DOG IS LOVED?
PLEASE. HE'S SO POPULAR WITH FANS THEY GAVE HIM A NICKNAME "SCOTTIE."
BIG DEAL. I HAVE A NICKNAME.
WHAT?
STUD BOY.
NO ONE CALLS YOU "STUD BOY."
SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE POOP MACHINE.
DO METAL DOGS POOP?

THE MAKERS OF "MONOPOLY" HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GETTING RID OF ONE OF THE TOKENS.
WHICH ONE?
THE IRON.
WHY'D THEY PICK THE IRON?
BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES IRONING.
OH. AND THIMBLES ARE GOSH-DARN FUN...!!
PLEASE, IRON. GO OUT WITH CLASS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE RICH?
I GUESS IT'S WHEN YOU OWN ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF.
LIKE WHAT?
CAR, SHIP, TOP HAT, DOG, WHEELBARROW, IRON, SHOE, AND THIMBLE.
YOU JUST LISTED ALL THE 'MONOPOLY' TOKENS.
IT'S ALL I KNOW ABOUT RICH PEOPLE.

WHERE WERE YOU?
TALKING TO CORMOR GOLDFISH. HE'S BORED OF ALWAYS SWIMMING AROUND IN CIRCLES, SO I TOLD HIM TO TAKE UP A NICE HOBBY.
THWACK
I THINK I'D DISCOURAGE AXE-THROWING.

HEY, PIG. WHERE YOU GOING?
I HAVE TO LEAVE. MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED.
OH, NO.
HER DRIVING TEST!
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BREAK THAT NEWS DIFFERENTLY.
MOM? DAD? ARE YOU SITTING DOWN? GRANDMA PASSED.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST!

NUTRITION, PIG. TREATING THE BODY AS THE TEMPLE THAT IT IS.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

LOW FAT. HIGH CARB. AND NOT JUST ANY CARBS. YOU WANT FRUITS, VEGETABLES, BEANS, RICE. WHOLE GRAIN BREADS.

WHAT ABOUT PROTEIN?

LEAN PROTEIN ONLY. LIKE FISH, AND DARK-MEAT CHICKEN. HALF A GRAM PER POUND OF BODY WEIGHT EVERY DAY.

WOW. YOU GUYS REALLY TREAT THE BODY AS A TEMPLE.

WE SURE DO, PIG--HEY, LOOK OVER THERE !

WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

SORRY, THOUGHT I SAW A BOWL OF GRANOLA.

GOAT SAID YOU THOUGHT JEJIO JUGSIED BECAUSE IT WAS POSSESSED BY A GHOST.
YEAH. PRETTY STUPID OF ME, HUH?
YEAH, WELL, HERE'S WHAT'S NOT STUPID. WHENEVER I RUB A BALLOON AGAINST THE FUR ON MY HEAD, THIS INSANE GHOST APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND PINS IT TO MY HEAD.
AHHHHHHHH
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM ABOUT STATIC ELECTRICITY?
PIPE DOWN, SCIENCE NERD.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A JELLO MOLD. BUT LOOK... EVERY TIME I SET IT DOWN, IT SHAKES LIKE CRAZY.
THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL. JELLO JUST JIGGLES.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR CALLING 'GHOST HUNTERS'.

HEY GOAT. WHICH DICTIONARY DO YOU LIKE TO REFER TO WHEN YOU HAVE TO LOOK UP A WORD?
THIS FRIEND OF MINE SAID TO USE THIS ONE.
WHY DO YOU LISTEN TO HIM?
WELL, HE WAS REALLY SMART. PLUS, HE DIED, SO IT'S PART OF MY WAY OF REMEMBERING HIM.
I SENSE A REFERENCE PREFERENCE DEFERENCE REMEMBRANCE.
HE'S VERY ANNOYING.

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, ALEX. HE'S JUST BACK FROM COLLEGE, WHERE HE'S A COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR.
WHAT DOES A COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR STUDY?
HOW TO BE UNEMPLOYED.
NO.
HEY! WE CAN TEACH YOU THAT!

HEY, CHEF BOB... YOUR MENU SAYS YOU HAVE LOCALLY-SOURCED BEEF... HOW LOCAL IS IT?
LET'S GO, FRED.
MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD.

MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA AND I HAD OUR BIG DATE AT THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE, BUT THERE WAS A HUGE STORM.
HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT?
I JUST PUT MY LIPS AGAINST HERS AND WE TOUCHED TONGUES.
WHY'D YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT?

HEY, GUYS. WHATCHA UP TO?
WE’RE GOING TO A COSTUME PARTY. I’M THE WRITER OF “THE ILIAD” AND “THE ODYSSEY.”
AND I’M A BASEBALL PLAYER.
OOOH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
NO, THE GREAT PART IS THAT THE HOST IS GOING TO GIVE AWAY A SPECIAL GIFT IF YOU WIN THIS GRAND PRIZE.
REALLY?
YEAH, BUT THE RULES ARE THAT WE HAVE TO STAY IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME TO WIN. IF THEY THINK YOU’RE NOT LIKE US WE ARE THE REAL GUYS.
OH. I’M SORRY…WELL, UH, GO OUT AND WRITE ANOTHER GREAT BOOK, SIR!
THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
OH, RIGHT…UM, GO OUT AND HIT A HOMER!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
I DON’T KNOW.
BLAME THE PIG.

ARMANDO! ARMANDO! I FIGURED OUT WHY ALL YOU ARMADILLOS GET RUN OVER!
REALLY? WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN A HUGE 18-WHEELER IS COMING, YOU GET SCARED AND JUMP A FOOT OFF THE GROUND, CAUSING YOU TO GET HIT BY THE TRUCK'S BUMPER. SO DO YOU SEE HOW YOU CAN FIX THAT?
JUMP HIGHER.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO LIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
NEIGHBOR BOB BORROWED MY SHOVEL WITHOUT ASKING, SO I'M GOING ON THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH POSSIBLE LEGAL REMEDIES.
THE INTERNET? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS GAVE UP INTERNET ACCESS BECAUSE THE BILL WAS TOO EXPENSIVE.
I'M STEALING BOB'S WI-FI.
THAT MIGHT BE HYPOCRITICAL.
IT'S NOT THE SAME IF IT'S FLOATING IN THE AIR!

OKAY, BOYS, REFS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY,
BUT I WAS ABLE TO LINE ONE UP FOR
OUR FIRST GAME. I'M ASSURED HE'LL
BE KNOWLEDGEABLE AND FAIR.
FAIR IS RELATIVE.
MAY I
PLEASE
FORFEIT
NOW :)
TWEEEET TWEEEET
EXCESSIVE
FATNESS.

OKAY, BOYS, HERE'S THE PLAY I'D LIKE TO RUN. WE'LL PLACE OUR TWO BEST DEFENDERS DOWN LOW. SIR, YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
A SUGGESTION.
DRAW DRAW DRAW
RUN "THE HAPPY GUY" PLAY.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW THAT WOULD WORK.
ME NEITHER, BUT WE SURE WOULD BE GIDDY.

HEY, MR. ARMADILLO, CARE TO JOIN OUR BASKETBALL TEAM?
I'D LIKE TO, BUT MY WIFE JUST GOT RUN OVER BY A TRUCK AND I'M AFRAID I NEED SOME TIME TO MOURN.
OKAY, I'M GOOD.
HE IS SO RESILIENT.

WHATCHA DOING, GUARD DUCK?
MEOW.
I'M STARTING A BASKET-BALL TEAM. MR. SNUFFLES IS MY CENTER. RIGHT NOW, I'M DRILLING HIM ON THE FINE POINTS OF STRATEGY AND SPORTSMANSHIP.
NO, YOU MAY NOT CUT AN OPPONENT WITH ANY KIND OF HUNTING KNIFE.
HE'S A SLOW LEARNER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
READING THIS TEXT FROM MY NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S THE ONE RAT ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS.
OH,YEAH? WHAT'S HE PROPOSE?
HE'S ASKING IF I THINK WE COULD HANDLE GETTING SOME COFFEE TOGETHER.
WHAT A NICE GESTURE. YOU SHOULD TELL HIM YOU'LL TREAT HIM.
OH,THAT WOULD BE SO SPECIAL...I'LL TELL HIM...I'...I'...I'... 'I'LL...
OOPS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
AUTOCORRECT.
I'll threaten you.
THAT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MESSAGE.
I'LL SAY SO. SPECIAL MESSAGE BACK.

HEY, ARMANDO ARMADILLO. WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A POPULAR ARMADILLO BOOK CALLED THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. READ ME A LITTLE.
I AM ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT
ROADKILL AUTOBIOGRAPHIES ARE RARELY LONG.